June 24, 2007:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


World will end on 9/11/2007

                                                [courtesy the Sun]


Revolutionary grammatical advance
    You can now write in the 'fourth' person

                Mystic,  Connecticut – "Communication with extraterrestrials is becoming so com-
            plex that a new pronoun was required,"  said Professor Mark Steinmetz,  of the Alien
            Desk of Mystic University's English and Extraterrestrial Studies Department. . . . "The
            fourth person," he said at a sparsely attended press conference, "is 'blurg'." . . .

                                                                                             [courtesy Weekly World News]


Dumb news from Indiana:
Tyler  Dumstorf, 15, of Georgetown, got into another argument
with his mother,  shot two deputy sheriffs  from his upstairs win-
dow; posted "I just killed two cops. Goodbye" on his MySpace
site, and then took his own life (one of the deputies lived).

.
                                     [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A faucet factory  in  Greensburg  fired a National Guardsman on
duty in Iraq for being absent from work.

                                                      [courtesy Associated Press
]

A Connersville woman was killed by her own dog  (a part chow,
part Labrador retriever).

                [courtesy
Richmond Palladium-Item, Lance Farrell]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A bird built a nest in Lotte Vincent's newspaper box in Bee Spring,
and  so  the deliveryman has been leaving the paper on the ground,
beneath the box.
                                                      [courtesy Tabloid Headlines]

A 13-year-old girl's feet were chopped off by the Superman Tower
of Power ride at the Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom amusement park
in Louisville.
                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

Louisville hired a company to find a company to name its new bas-
ketball arena.
                                                          [courtesy Courier-Journal]

Birthdays:
Meryl Streep and Lindsay Wagner, 58

Borf's weekly BONUS:
Hares mating on the runways closed the airport in Milan, Italy,
for several hours. . . . L
ooters broke into the late Yasser Ara-
fat's home and stole his Nobel Peace Prize. . . . Judge Robert
Bork,  a "tort reform" advocate,  sued  the Yale Club of New
York for $1 million after he slipped and fell mounting a dais....
Mr. Wizard died. . . .  A 13-year-old British boy said "Thank
you," ending a ten-year vow of silence that began as a protest
of a tonsilectomy. . . A jockey kicked his horse after it reared
in the starting gate and struck the jockey  at Philadelphia Park
(both were ejected).  . . . The Vatican issued Ten Command-
ments of the Road.
                                           [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

Unopened e-mail last week included messages from:
"Brent Young" titled "cahill assai banal,"
"Kayla Perry" titled "cilia coronado algaecide,"
"Sabrina Mays" titled "air coalescent cuttlebone,"
"Thomas Henson" titled "cavendish buzzing accurate,"
"Debora Cummings" titled "beck collaborate casbah," and
"Allure性感女人網" titled "Yahoo雅虎拍賣!夏季絲襪特賣."

DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in  the  near  future  include Tyler Dumstorf's
mother and Donaldo Gonzalez.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,  "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines -- or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett



Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




June 17, 2007:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Babies living on board Titanic
                   [courtesy Weekly World News (and Eliza & Molly)]


Obama's secret affair
          with hot blonde!

                [courtesy the Globe]


OPRAH HITS 200 lbs.

                                           [courtesy the Globe]


Dumb news from Kentucky:
A reporter for the Louisville Courier-Journal was ejected from a college
championship baseball game for "broadcasting" it "live"  with minute-by-
minute  blog entries  (a reporter who did the same thing for the Portland
Oregonian, but from his newsroom while listening to the game on the ra-
dio, was not affected).
                                                                 [courtesy Courier-Journal]

Birthdays:
Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen, 21
Vic Damone, 79

Borf's weekly BONUS:
Two women have been injured by leaping sturgeon while boat-
ing way down upon the
Suwannee River in Florida  (one lost a
finger and a tooth, another was knocked unconscious). . . . Su-
zanne Marie Butts was charged with stealing toilet paper  from
Marshall County Courthouse in Iowa. . . .A "clearly deranged"
German tried to board the Popemobile in the Vatican and was
beaten by the Vigilanza. . . . School officials in Galesburg, Ohi-
o, withheld the diplomas of five seniors whose friends and fami-
lies cheered too loud at commencement. . . .  Spaniards  resist-
ed a government proposal to add lyrics to their national anthem.
.  .  .  Britain's Royal Society for the Protection of Birds banned
the word "cock" from its web site but allowed the continued use
of "tit" and "swallow." . . . Redheads in England were being taun-
ted with catcalls of "you ginger bastard" and "ginger whinger." . . .
"Fleeting  expletives"  on the air  were ruled permissible by a U.S.
Court of Appeals in New York.  .  .  .  A 115-year-old harpoon
was found in a whale caught off the coast of Alaska. . . . A vanil-
la ice cream  with chocolate chips and cherries  was being sold in
New York under the flavor name "Staten Island landfill." . . . Del-
cambre, Louisiana, banned the wearing of saggy pants. . . . "Nev-
eah"  became the  No. 1  name for newborns in the United States
(that's "Heaven" spelt backward).

                                                 [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Oswaldo Gonzalez.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,  "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines -- or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett



Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




June 10, 2007:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


God has had enough
 
Angels join war on terror

                                                                                [courtesy Weekly World News]


OPRAH DUMPED
 Her man falls for best friend

        [courtesy National Examiner]


Dick Cheney in call girl scandal

                                                                      [courtesy the Globe]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
FGDean@aol.com wrote Tues 5 Jun 2007 @10:36:47 PDT
re the barring of aluminum bats from youth baseball games:
What's the issue?  Safety?

Editor:   That's  their  issue.  They say that baseballs travel faster
off aluminum bats and are more likely to injure players in the field.

But that's not our issue.  We lost interest in baseball when the crack
of the bat was replaced by the pook of the bat.

Dumb news from Indiana:
Skippy, a 6-foot pet kangaroo, was killed with a tranquilizer dart as he hopped
through Fountaintown (he'd been let out of his cage by two teen-age girls).
. . .

Governor Mitch Daniels was bitten by a dog  as  he  rode  his motorcycle on a
farm in Greene County.
                                                     [courtesy Associated Press & Toni Seely]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
The governing body of Pike County authorized a lawsuit against the manufactu-
rer of OxyContin over the costs of addiction.    Sheriff Charles "Fuzzy" Keesee
said prescription drug abuse is so rampant  that the county jail got a $5.6 million
expansion in 2005 to deal with it.
                                                                                                  [courtesy AP]

Dumb news from Kentucky in Indiana:
Brother Jim Gilles,  of Symsonia,  Kentucky,  appealed to the United States Su-
preme Court over being barred from preaching on the library lawn at Vincennes
University.
                                                                                                  [courtesy AP]

Quotation of the week:
"There was something wrong with her."
                                                                – Fox  News'  Greta Van Susteren,  in live coverage of the
                                                                   court hearing in which Paris Hilton – twitching, shaking,
                                                                  
screaming, and crying – was ordered back to jail


"It's called extreme spoiled brat-itis."
                                                             – Fox News' anchor Shepard Smith

Borf's weekly BONUS:
A truck driver from Texas drove the entire 1-mile length of
the Lincoln Tunnel into Manhattan in a rig 6 iches too tall, rip-
ping off the top of his trailer  and  dislodging ceiling tiles.  .  .  .

The manager of the minor league Mississippi Braves piled dirt
on home plate,  threw third base into the outfield,  crawled on
his belly to the pitcher's mound  and lobbed the rosin bag as a
grenade at the umpire,  and  then  picked up second base  and
third base  before  exiting the stadium  through the outfield gate
in a loss at Chattanooga. . . .A male psychologist in New York
said that semen is a powerful antidepressant for women. ... The
United States was ranked the 96th most peaceful country in the
world and Iraq the 121st  (in a survey of 121 countries). . . . A
66-year-old man pinned by a fallen tree in Iowa Hill, California,
amputated his own leg with a pocket knife to free himself. . . . A
customer in San Jose, California,  attacked  a  pizzeria  manager
with a machete because his pizza delivery took so long.  .  .  .  A
Marysville, California,  man shot a famly's pet goose, Wee Wee,
and was charged with hunting without a license and taking goose
out of season. . . . Paramedics in West Lawn, Pennsylvania, res-
cued five ducklings that had fallen through a storm drain. ... Fire-
men in Plymouth,Wisconsin, rescued a 400-pound donkey from
a well. .  .  .  A woman was arrested for making faces at a police
dog in West Fairlee, Vermont.

   [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, Louisville Courier-Journal]

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Mikhail B.
    Khodorkovsky" titled "Hello Friend."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Humberto Gonzal-
es and Brother Jim.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett



Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




June 3, 2007:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


BUSH BLASTS QUEEN
        as she meddles in divorce war

                                             [courtesy the Globe]


Rachel Ray
  CAUGHT IN BED WITH ANOTHER MAN!

                                                                   [courtesy National Enquirer]


Baby born with fly eyes

            [courtesy Weekly World News]


Joan Collins:
    Linda Evans punched me out!

                                                                         [courtesy National Examiner]


Tiny baby found in avocado

             [courtesy Weekly World News]


Dumb news from Indiana:
A circuit judge who teaches business law at Purdue University
was charged with theft  for taking a student's cell phone during
class and failing to return it.   And, the special prosecutor's cell
phone went off at the judge's hearing.


                                                  [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
The state's Public Service Commission decided to chop western
Kentucky's telephone area code in two, forcing a million custom-
ers to change their numbers for the second time in nine years  (e-
ven though a vast majority expressed a desire for an  overlay  in-
stead of a split for a needed new area code).
                                                                           [courtesy AP]

Smart news from Pennsylvania:
A state representative introduced a bill to bar  aluminum  bats
from youth baseball games  (aluminum bats already have been
barred from high school games in New York City, and a simi-
lar measure is under consideration in New Jersey).

                                                                        [courtesy AP]

Quotation of the week
:
"Trying to hush up and punish fellow Americans for exercising the same
 democratic right we're trying to instill in Iraq is not what we're all about."
                                                                     -- Gary  Kurpius,  national  commander  of the Veterans
                                                                         of Foreign Wars, criticizing the Army for investigating
                                                                         Iraq veterans who wore their uniforms to war protests


Birthdays:  Stevie Nicks, 59


Borf's weekly BONUS:
The Conifer, Colorado, High School yearbook published photos
of students smoking marijuana and drinking beer  (Hannah Fred-
rickson,  the senior editor,  said people need to know what's go-
ing on). .  .  . Senator Richard Durbin said he reluctantly support-
ed the Iraq war funding bill because "we do not have it within our
power to make the will of America the law of the land."  .  .  .   A
sparrow shat on President Bush' shirt in the Rose Garden. . . . An
Irish soldier was court-martialed for auctioning his medal on ebay.
. . . The lethal injection of an obese prisoner in Oregon was delay-
ed 90 minutes as executioners looked for a vein. . . . A Wal-Mart
cashier in Almont,  Michigan,  was fired for suggesting on his My-
Space page that the average IQ  would  increase  if  bombs  were
dropped on the company's stores.  . . .  The  "wild  monster  hog"
hunted down  and  killed  by an 11-year-old boy in Alabama was
just a domestic pig named Fred,  its former owner told the Annis-
ton Star.
                                                 [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

Unopened e-mail last week included two messages from "Mr. David
        Anderson Jr," titled "Good day to you Sir,".


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include  Hannah  Fredrick-
son,  Alfredlo Gonzales,  and  John  Tsombikos,  the Washington
D.C. graffiti artist who signs his work "Borf."


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett



Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor