July 29, 2007:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


WORLD WAR!
                 IT'S  COMING,  AND
                 IT'S COMING SOON

                                                 [courtesy the Sun]


No more 'Bigfoot Love Slave'
on supermarket mag racks

The Weekly World News announced it will cease paper publication
and will be available only on the web.  Scott Simon laments the end
of an era. . . .
                                                    [courtesy Weekend Edition Saturday]


CHALLENGES AWAIT POST-ELECTION TURKEY

                                                  [courtesy Orange County Register (& T. Crow)]


Lindsay Lohan says she's innocent

                                        [courtesy National Enquirer]


Pygmy musicians housed at zoo

                 [courtesy San Francisco Chronicle (& F. Dean)]


Dumb news from Indiana:
An "anger management" counselor in Gary was charged with beating
his wife.

                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A 10-year-old girl was found beneath 11 fighting roosters in a car parked
at a Williamsburg gasoline station.
                                                         [courtesy Google News & WKYT]

Quotations of the week:
"If we had those 40 million children that were killed over the last 30 years, we
wouldn't need the illegal immigrants to fill the jobs that they are doing today."

                                                                                 – former Congressman Tom Delay, address-
                                                                                    ing college Republicans regarding abortion

"Bob Costas is a little midget man who knows nothing about baseball."
                                                                                                              – Barry Bonds

"As anyone can plainly see, I'm 5 feet 6 and a strapping 150 pounds,
 and unlike some people I came by all of it naturally."
                                                                                     – Bob Costas


Borf's weekly BONUS:
Chinese police on the Vietnam border  seized 270 smuggled
crocodiles apparently bound for leather factories.  . . .  Dick
Cheney became President for two hours and five minutes af-
ter George Bush signed an order to prohibit  some  kinds  of
CIA torture. . . . 
Police rescued a 7-week-old boy from the
middle of a road in Ohio where his naked mother had placed
him to appease Satan. . . .  Nicole Richie proclaimed that she
dates only circumcised men.  . . .  A man was jailed in Pensa-
cola, Florida, for dialing 911  292  times  just to chat with dis-
patchers. . . .A 50-pound chunk of ice fell through a woman's
roof in Dubuque, Iowa. . . . Pepsi admitted that its "Aquafina"
– like 40 per cent of all botttled water – is tap water. . . . The
Indian doctor arrested in Australia for terrorism  was  cleared
(he had given a phone SIM card to a second cousin who was
a brother of one of the Glasgow car bombers).... Two NASA
astronauts and a Russian cosmonaut  were  accused  of  OWI
(orbiting while intoxicated).

                                            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from ""
        titled "Ͻ غð ϼ."


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,  "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines -- or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett



Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




July 22, 2007:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Secret he's hiding from America
  BUSH
  HEART  ATTACK  DRAMA
     Stress, booze & divorce agony push Prez over the edge

                                                                                                  [courtesy the Globe]


EXPOSED: Jackie cheated on JFK
                           – with his brother

                                                                                  [courtesy National Examiner]


TV bosses tell Kirstie Alley:
    'YOU'RE TOO FAT!'

                                                          [courtesy National Enquirer]


Never smoke again:
   LUNG STAPLING

                                    [courtesy Weekly World News]


Dumb news from Indiana:
An Anderson couple went to prison for a  menage-a-quatre  with
two neighborhood boys aged 14 and 15. . . .

The Harrison County Prosecutor and State Police  were  investiga-
ting Caesars Indiana casino customers who walked off with $487,-
000 from a slot machine that was programmed for foreign currency
and gave gamblers a $10 credit for each dollar inserted. . . .

A  mailman  from Knightstown  who mysteriously left his pedestrian
postal route in Greenfield was found in a laundromat in Columbus.

                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Two girls, aged 17 and 16, overpowered the transportation officer taking
them from one juvenile center to another and took off in her car. . . .

Angela Comer, the teacher who drove a 14-year-old boy to Mexico and
later pleaded guilty for a 10-year sex crime sentence,  now  says  the boy
forced her at gunpoint.
                                                                                         [courtesy AP]

Quotation of the week:
"Let people enjoy their book, for Pete's sake!"
                                        – Melissa Anelli, www.the-leaky-cauldron.org webmaster, com-
                                            plaining of pre-release leaks of the final Harry Potter novel

Birthdays:  Vikki Carr, 66


Borf's weekly BONUS:
A 16-year-old girl was killed on the Air Glory ride at the Chris-
tian  "Lifest"  in Oskkosh, Wisconsin. . . .
A truck carrying 200
suicide  bomb  vests  was seized near the Syrian border in Iraq.
.  .  .  The British army  insisted  it  had not released man-eating
badgers in Basra.  .  .  .  John McCain was accused of violating
campaign and ethics law  by  making a fund-raising call from the
Senate Repbulican cloakroom. . . .A man woke his neighbors in
Hanover, Germany, by  hurling his computer into the street.  . . .
An 8-year-old Lab ate $750  in  Menomonie,  Wisconsin  ("The
dog ate my money," grieved its owner).

                                 [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Reuters, AP]

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Erick Ramey"
        titled "Re: Important."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future  include  Syvette Wimberly
(the original, not the porn star)  and  Tone Groven Holmboe.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett



Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




July 15, 2007:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


WYNONNA loses over 100 lbs.

                                                                   [courtesy National Examiner]


89-lb. DOLLY collapses

          [courtesy National Examiner]


Angel of DEATH visits Earth

                                                 [courtesy Weekly World News]


OPRAH: Only 6 years to live

                                                                        [courtesy the Globe]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Bob Hill wrote Mon 9 Jul 2007 07:28:47 EDT:
Has anyone found Tanya Tucker's 30 pounds yet?
Is there a reward?

Terry Crow wrote Tues 10 Jul 2007 @07:51:59 PDT:
From the "Don't ask, don't tell" sports column in
the Orange County Register:
"Left fielder Reggie Willits received several cuts
 and bruises while trying to make a catcher."

Dumb news from Indiana:
An Indianapolis mother whose 3-year-old son was found toddling
along I-465 pleaded guilty to child neglect.


                                                        [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
The new state education commissioner, already accused of lying on
her rsum, resigned before taking office -- she was accused of pil-
fering her own personnel file from her former job in Illinois.

                                          [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A second charter bus in a month crashed on I-65 south of Bowling
Green (no one died this time).
                                                                               [courtesy AP]


The continuing Ann Coulter award   
for Republican slut of the week to:   

Sara Taylor (does she swallow?)


Birthdays:  Ingmar Bergman, 89


Borf's weekly BONUS:
A Cape Cod man who avoided jury duty  by  claiming to be
homophobic, racist and mendacious  was referred to  prose-
cutors  by the presiding judge. .  .  . A bare bottom billboard
was banned on Broadway. . . .  The Mud Pit Belly Flop was
the most popular event at the 12th annual Redneck Games in
Georgia. .  .  .
Four Virginia family members and a farm hand
were asphyxiated in a manure pit (all but the first jumped in to
rescue the others). . . .  Australia's defense minister acknowl-
edged that securing oil  is one reason his country's troops re-
main in Iraq. .  .  . Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez,  in a
visit to Tehran,  called Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadine-
jad his "ideological brother." . . . Presidents George Bush and
Vladimir Putin rode Segway scooters together. . . . The Euro-
pean Commission posted a 44-second video of 18 orgasms to
YouTube in a film endorsement  despite  criticism  that the title,
"Let's Come Together," does not work in all EU languages. . . .
A  porn  film  star  took a former high school classmate's name,
Syvette Wimberly, for a stage name. . . . A Hong Kong woman
who blinded her boy friend in one eye six years ago  was  jailed
for jabbing a chopstick into his other eye. .  .  . Women in Pam-
plona demanded a running of the cows.

        [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, Reuters, Bruce Mitchell]


Unopened e-mail last week included messages from:
"5th Grader" titled "Smart People Wanted Hank!"  and

"Boris Lockhart" titled "Time to stop jerking and call one
      of our hot girls now. Get Laid tonight by a local slut."

DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Herbert Saxon and
Dirk Minniefield (but not on the same Sunday -- each has refused
to appear with the other).


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett



Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




July 8, 2007:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


JFK Jr. CRASH COVER-UP
           Shocking new documents reveal who wanted him dead

                                                                                            [courtesy National Examiner]


Prince Harry demands DNA test
            in desperate search for REAL DAD

                                                 [courtesy National Examiner]


TANYA TUCKER LOSES 30 LBS.

                                                                       [courtesy National Examiner]


Billy Graham nightmare
    Wife buried in wrong grave

                                                      [courtesy National Examiner]


July 4 shocker!
    Jefferson fathered alien love child

                                                                                        [courtesy Weekly World News]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
A. K. Hatfield wrote Tues 3 July 2007 @12:13:15 EDT:
Thanks for the headlines. . . . Keep 'em comin'.

Terry Crow wrote Tues 3 July 2007 @10:24:52 PDT:
Re  Discussion  group:   Did you also invite  Herbert  Saxon
and Dirk Minnifield? If not, I must cancel my air reservation.
Sorry – we invited them, but they refused to attend.  We'll keep
trying. Ed.


David Foster wrote Thurs 5 Jul 2007 @19:50:58 EDT:
I'm sorry to be the one to ask, but what's with all the Gonzalezez
– or however you pluralize it – invited to the Sunday meeting?
No offense, but you are not the first to ask.  Bruce Mitchell asked after
the first insertion,  in the May 20 issue:  "Who is Hernando Gonzalez?"

What we were doing was previewing the confirmation testimony of all
of Alberto Gonzalez' brothers, uncles, nephews and cousins as Attor-
ney General nominees.    But none of the anticipated nominations ever
happened.  See last item in this week's "Borf's weekly bonus."  – Ed.

Dumb news from Indiana:
His cell phone beeped to signal  a  low  battery;  he was trying to plug
it in and did not see that traffic was stopped
on the Indiana Toll Road,
and his semitrailer ploughed into it,  killing
eight persons.   No charges
were filed.

                                                             [courtesy Associated Press]

Quotation
of the week:
"In Indiana we don't have negligent homicide."
                                                                           –  Elkhart County Prosecutor Curtis T. Hill Jr.

Bumper sticker of the week:
SANTA IS A TEAMSTER
                              seen in Sweeden, Kentucky

Dumb news from Kentucky:
The Brown-Forman distillery, in Louisville, was producing a new version
of its Wodford Reserve bourbon whiskey aged in wine barrels. . . .

Evangelist Brother Jim Gilles lost his federal court bid to speak at Murray
State University without a campus sponsor. . . .

A 47-year-old mother  and her 28-year-old son  shot each other to death
in their Louisville apartment.
                                             [courtesy AP, Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf's weekly BONUS:
An empty dog food can from  Paris  Hilton's  garbage  was
sold for $305 on e-Bay.
. . . A buzzard assailed a jogger in
Scotland,  puncturing his scalp with its talons. .  .  . A dead
camel was found on the side of a highway in Sweden.
.  .  .
A ton of dinosaur bones were dug up and ground into soup
in China's Henan province.
  . . . A fisherman caught a piran-
ha in the Catawba River in North Carolina. .  .  . The CIA's
"Family  Jewels"  revealed interception of Jane Fonda's mail.
.  .  . A state forensics analyst in Lansing, Michigan, was un-
der discipline for doing a DNA test on her husband's under-
pants. . . . Albanian Kosovars threw toilet paper at the Parl-
iament in Pristina. . . .Yesterday's Live Aid concert in Rio de
Janeiro was canceled by court order for security reasons.. . .
Hair hackers struck again in
Araraquara, Brazil. . . .  Alberto
Gonzalez was still the Attorney General.


                                         [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Lesa Chaney"
        titled "Find that hot local whore in your city now."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include  Brother Jim  (and,
we've asked Herbert Saxon if he would appear  for money.  We
know that Dirk Minniefield would).


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




July 1, 2007:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


CHARLES DUMPS CAMILLA
                          for new mistress

           [courtesy National Examiner]


Honeymoon couple attacked by goldfish

                                                        [courtesy Weekly World News]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Herbert Saxon wrote Sun 24 Jun 2007 @11:34:46 EDT:
Thanks for the tabloid exerpts,  but I was looking for
my old friend and distant kin John Dean.        Do you
know I spent at least 3 minutes composing my most
erudite and profound prose to impress you with  after
all these years  and all I got for my efforts was a place
on your blog mailing list?  Oh the shame!!!
It's not a blog; it's a newsletter. – Ed.

Dumb news from Indiana:
A new law taking effect today requires residents of mobile homes to
have weather radios.

                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

[Indiana has required boaters to have life jackets for years, and motor-
 ists to wear seat belts for the last two decades. Tabloid Headlines has
 learned that bills will be introduced in next year's General Assembly to
 
require (1) swimmers to wear water wings  and (2) mobile home resi-
 dents to turn on their radios
Ed.]

Quotation of the week:
"You have to know that the storm is coming."
                                                                        – Kathryn  Martin,  whose 2-year-old son,  C.J.,
                                                                           was the youngest  of  dozens of fatalities in a
                                                                           tornado that hit Evansville, Indiana, in 2005.
                                                                           Ms. Martin  said she does not understand the
                                                                           resistance  to  the new weather radio require-
                                                                           ment,  which has been dubbed "C.J.'s law."

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Nine children were found hiding in the crawl space of an unlicensed day
care house in Frankfort.
                                                                                      [courtesy AP]

A repo man was shot and killed as he drove away in the purchaser's au-
tomobile in Lexington.
                                                                                      [courtesy AP]

Former University of Kentucky basketball guard  Dirk  Minniefield  said
the reason his team lost to the University of Louisville  in  1983  was that
he and some teammates had smoked marijuana the night before.

                               [courtesy Rick Bozich, Louisville Courier-Journal]

Really stupid news from Massachusetts:

The U.S. Justice Department was pressuring Boston election officials  to
translate candidates' names into Chinese  in precincts with large Chinese-
speaking populations.  But there are no Chinese characters for American
names; so translators were seeking characters matching the sounds of the
syllables  in the names,  and thus "Mitt Romney" might be read as "Sticky
Rice," "Fred Thompson" as "Virtue Soup,"  and "Barack Obama" as "Oh
Bus Horse."
                                                                                        [courtesy AP]


Borf's weekly BONUS:
A Georgia camper who killed a 300-pound black bear threat-
ening his family by throwing a piece of firewood at it was cited
for failing to secure his campsite. . . . 
Sweden's Supreme Ad-
ministrative Court held that prisons have no authority  to  with-
hold pornographic magazines from sex offenders.  .  .  . A tuna
shortage induced Japanese chefs to  consider  deer  and  horse
for sushi. .  .  . 110 North Koreans foraging for gasoline from a
pipeline were killed in an explosion. . . . Iwo Jima was renamed
Iwo To (its prewar name).  .  .  . 
Lydia Playfoot, 16, petitioned
the British High Court to allow her to wear a "purity ring,"  sym-
bolizing chastity,  to school.  .  .  .  Inflation reached 11,000 per
cent in Zimbabwe and was projected  to  reach  1.5 million  per
cent by year's end. . . .  A man in Penn Hills, Pennsylvania, who
admitted to "anger management issues," punched a 19-year-old
female clerk in the face  through  a fast-food drive-through win-
dow because she did not say "please" and "thank you.". . . Four
stitches were required to close the head wound of a 9-year-old
girl struck by a  PowerBar  thrown from the blufftop compound
of saxophonist Kenny G in Malibu, California.

                                             [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the  near  future  include  Kathryn  Martin,
Lydia  Playfoot,  and  Tomaso Gonzalez.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor