October 28, 2007: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:


NASCAR rigged!

                          [courtesy the Globe]


JFK Jr. autopsy cover-up exposed!
                                                                             [courtesy Nathaniel Examiner]


NEW $3 MILLION STATE LOTTERY!
            Pays $3 a year for a million years

                                                                               [courtesy Netta News]


PRINCE HARRY ADDICTED

                                    [courtesy the Globe]


David Hasselhoff flees rehab and gets drunk

                                                                                [courtesy National Enquirer]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 21 Oct 2007 @08:46:23 PDT:
Who the bloody Hell is Madeleine McCann?    (I guess
I've gotta get out more.)

Madeleine McCann is the 21st century's JonBenet Ramsey  –  a
4-year-old English girl lost in Portugal.  After a 5-month "Maddy
watch
,"  suspicion has focused on her parents.  You gotta get out
more. – Ed.

P.S.   Are you aware that JonBenet Ramsey's father and Natalee
Holloway's mother are now linked romantically?

Dumb news from Indiana:
The Dalai Lama, in an address at Purdue University, said he did not know how to
bring peace to Iraq.
                                                                               [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
The name of a star running back for the Ballard High School football team in Lou-
isville is  Sir Weakley  (don't ask).  For more dumb high school sports news from
Louisville, here's a photo below of Sacred Heart Academy's state champion girls
field hockey team.



                                                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal
]

Dumb news from Kentucky and Wisconsin:
Archery is now prohibited at Archery Park in Eau Claire,Wisconsin, where
it had been allowed for decades, and where the
city had developed earthen
berms and a practice tower for deer hunters.

The converse is the Highway 70 Sports Complex in Brownsville, Kentucky,
one of only two places in town where skateboarding is allowed -- but a sign
at the entrance prohibits skateboarding on the tennis courts.  (Not to worry -
there are no tennis courts.)
                                                      [courtesy AP, Tabloid Headlines staff]

Quotation of the week:
"People who have to deal with black employees find this is not true."
                                 -- James Watson, co-discoverer of DNA, on the
                                     notion that blacks are as intelligent as whites

Borf's weekly BONUS:
An 8-year-old boy riding with his mother in Vancouver, Wash-
inton,  called 911 to report her erratic driving,  and she was ar-
rested for DUI. . . . Arkansas's legislature retained a rule allow-
ing  chewing  tobacco  and dipping snuff  in its chambers.  .  .  .
Lynn Cheney admitted that her  husband  and  Barack  Obama
are eighth cousins,  and  Obama  responded,   "Everyone has a
black sheep in the family."  .  .  .  A  poll  concluded that 49 per
cent of New Jersey's adult population would prefer to live else-
where, and a second poll concluded that 79 per cent planned to
leave the state eventually. .  .  . A 2004 Lexus and a 2004 Mer-
cury Marquis got stuck in  freshly  poured  concrete  when they
drove around a barrier during rush hour in  Mequon, Wisconsin
(eight other cars followed them but managed to back out). .  .  .
A jury in Naples,  Florida,  found  a mother not guilty of child a-
buse for having her 13-year-old daughter's  genitalia  pierced  to
make sex uncomfortable  (the girl's experience included sex with
the mother's boy friend, for whom an arrest warant was issued).

                                              [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "xs" titled "xinxin slate."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include James Watson and
Barack Obama.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett



Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




October 21, 2007: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:


OSAMA DEAD!
            Stunning secret government
             doesn't want YOU to know


                                                                   [courtesy the Sun]
 

'Panties for Peace'
  Protesters flood Burmese embassies
            with
female underwear

                                                [courtesy the Guardian]


'I WON'T BE KING!'
        Prince William rejects throne for love

                                                            [courtesy the Globe]


Affair could wreck John Edwards' campaign

                                                                  [courtesy National Enquirer]


MADELEINE McCANN report!
 
PARENTS DRUGGED HER
         and she died of overdose


                      [courtesy National Examiner]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
FGDean@aol.com wrote Mon 15 Oct 2007 @10:13:04 PDT:
And were charges filed against the teacher's aide who stapled
the post-it to the little girl's head in Plymouth, Indiana?

Ed.:  Not that we know of.  The teacher's aide did resign.  Here's a
blog posting on the incident that reflects your view:
I wonder if anyone in Indiana has heard of assault?????

A guy goes into a bathroom in Minnesota and makes some
lewd gestures and gets prosecuted.


A 9-year-old kid gets a piece of paper stapled to his [actually,
her] head in Indiana and no charges are filed????


Dumb news from Indiana, Pennsylvania:
A Pepsi-Cola deliveryman punched a Coca-Cola deliveryman in the
face at a Wal-Mart.
                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Brazil, Indiana:
A drive-by shooter fired into the window of a grade school cafeteria.

                                                                                 [courtesy
AP]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
More than two dozen catalytic converters were stolen from cars park-
ed at a hospital in Pike County. Such theft requires only a few minutes
with a power saw under a vehicle.  The devices contain small amounts
of valuable platinum, palladium and rhodium.
                                                                                   [courtesy AP]

Dumb burglars in Alabama:
Kim Ledford returned to her home in Decatur after a long absence to
find a strange man in her bed and a woman wearing her clothes. Then
another man walked up and asked what she was doing in his house....

Adrian and Tiffany McKinnon returned to their home  in Montgomery
after a week away to find that thieves had emptied  almost  everything
they owned onto the floor.   Tiffany went to her sister's for safety while
Adrian inspected the mess,  and a man walked in wearing Adrian's hat.
The  McKinnons  forced the man,  at  gunpoint,  to put things back the
way he had found them -- and the man complained to the police about
being forced to clean up the McKinnons' home.
                                                                                    [courtesy
AP]

Quotation of the week:
"You can't prosecute somebody for swearing at a cop or a toilet."
                    -- Mary Catherine Roper, a Philadelphia lawyer
                        hired by the ACLU to represent Dawn Herb


Borf's weekly BONUS:
Sheriff's deputies stopped a man walking by the courthouse in
Tulsa,  Oklahoma,  with  a  set of handcuffs dangling from one
wrist  – but he was just making a Goth fashion statement.  . . .
Ramzi  Yousef,  the 1993 World Trade Center bomber doing
time in SuperMax, said he had become a Christian. . . . Two-
thirds of American CEO's think American CEO's are overpaid
according to a poll. . . . Mexican police found a woman's torso
in her lover's closet, one of her legs in his refrigerator, bones in
a cereal box, chunks of unidentified fried meat in a skillet,  and
his draft of a novel titled  "Cannibalistic Instincts.". . . A motor-
ist  "texting"  on  his cell phone  ran into a moving freight train in
Eugene, Oregon. . . . Rescuers used a wrecker to pull a 1,200-
pound  horse  from a swimming pool  in  Knoxville,  Tennessee.
.  .  .   A woman in Brooklyn found a 7-foot python in her toilet.
.  .  .  Britney Spears ran over a TMZ.com photographer's foot.
.  .  . Dawn Herb, of Scranton, Pennsylvania, was charged with
disorderly  conduct  for cussing out her overflowing toilet within
the hearing of a neighbor. . . . Jenna Bush wrote a book.

                 [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, the New Yorker]

Note:    Some of our readers may remember an item in Borf's weekly
          BONUS in the June 11, 2006, issue of Tabloid Headlines say-
          ing,  "A woman married a cobra in Orissa, India."   Such items
           – which one of our readers termed "factoids,"  perhaps not to-
          tally inaccurately or maliciously –  are gleaned each week from
          journals all over the world,  most of them gathered by Harper's
          magazine and the Associated Press.

               There is at least some truth, if not the whole truth, in each of
          these items.  We have found instructive, and you may too, an in-
          tensive investigation of this very item reported in a 12-page arti-
          cle  (more than 9 full pages by column count)  in the November
          issue of Harper's.   In sum,  it's true,  more or less,  and sort of.
          The  article  is  on line,  but it may be available only to
Harper's
         
subscribersSo,  hie thee to a newsstand,  if you are interested
          and not a subscriber.


Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Jdavie Reinaldo"
    titled "All famous products for male activity, special prices & offers"
    and from "destitutely Wagner" titled "sofittaebs Erectile Dysfuinction?
    Free FeidEx."


E-mail that not even Pete Falcon would open last week included a
    message from "Floyd Nguyen" titled "Ever wanted a fuck-friend?"


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Dawn Herb, Mary
Roper, and a representative of the prosecuting attorney of Scran-
ton, Pennsylvania (Ms. Herb's neighbor declined our invitation).


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




October 14, 2007: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:


GONZALEZ HIRES DEFENSE ATTORNEY

                                                                                          [courtesy USA Today]


Angelina Jolie to adopt Britney Spears tots

                                                                                          [courtesy propeller.com]


Serial killer slashes Scott Peterson

                                                     [courtesy the Globe]


Old bridge falls during demolition

      [Duh! courtesy Louisville Courier Journal]


Dumb news from Indiana:
A fourth-grader in Plymouth picked up a  post-it  from the floor
and  stuck it on her forehead,  and a teacher's aide stapled  it to
the girl's forehead when she refused to remove it. . . .

A Fort Wayne strip dancer was ruled eligible for double workers
compensation for a herniated disk suffered performing on a pole.

                                                     [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Two liquor stores and three grocery stores sued to set aside an e-
lection in which four Louisville precincts voted to go dry.   Irregu-
larities cited in the suits included allowing sales of alocholic bever-
ages on election day.
                                       [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Governor Ernie, a Baptist preacher running for re-election, and his
opponent, the son and grandson of Baptist preachers,  were mud-
slinging each other over "family values" in ads on Christian radio.

                                                                              [courtesy AP]

Quotations of the week:
"Saddam Hussein clearly had had WMD. . . . Can I have
 a round of applause?"
                                       – Fred Thompson, on the stump in Iowa

"It was a sobering experience."
                                                    Lindsey Lohan, just out of rehab

Birthdays:   Tanya Tucker, 49


Borf's weekly BONUS:
A 10-year-old boy stole a school bus in Dumas, Arkansas, and
led police on a chase
through three counties. .  .  . A 6-year-old
boy  put his booster seat behind the steering wheel of his grand-
mother's car and took off for Applebee's  in Broomfield,  Colo-
rado (but drove only 75 feet before crashing). . . .An 8th-grader
in Nepal who felt sorry for policemen  invented a crowd-control
robot that can charge a mob with a baton, use water canon,  lob
tear gas,  and shoot.  .  .  .  The mother of a bullied schoolboy in
Jacksonville, Florida, brandished a gun at his bus stop and asked
his companions,  "Does anyone have something to say?" .  .  .  A
woman was jailed for two months in Tampa, Florida, for posses-
sion of methamphetamine until tests showed  that  the  vial  in  her
purse contained dehydrated cat urine (as she had said -- she said
she had bought it from a veterinary  for her son's science project).

. . . Senator Larry Craig was selected for the Idaho Hall of Fame.
.  .  .  An Australian hospital that had run out of medicinal alcohol
drip-fed vodka to a patient.  . . . The libertarian Middlebury Insti-
tute,  of  New  England,  which opposes the war in Iraq,  and  the
League  of the South,  which has the Confederate battle flag on its
banner, met in Tennessee to discuss their shared goal of secession
from the union.  .  .  . A dog in Greenville,  Maine,  rescued a man
from a fire started by a cat.
                                                  [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "조회기록없이ㄷㅐ출"
        titled "ihh음.. 신청만해도. 계좌로입금.마21786788"  (we've been
        getting a lot of these).


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Governer Ernie and
Fred Thompson.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,  "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines -- or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


ONE-TIME LIMITED OFFER:

    Until midnight Monday  (GMT)  you can stop your subscription to
Tabloid Headlines just by asking (you don't even have to say please).
Just  e-mail  us.  This  limited  offer  is made in deference to two new
subscibers this week,  but is open to all.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




October 7, 2007 :  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:


WOMAN  HANGED  IN  'DO IT
YOURSELF' NECK TRACTION
        Husband's assistance under investigation

            [courtesy Mysterious Journal -- see similar
                        item in Borf's Weekly Bonus, below
]


                            and a special Bimbo section this week!


Boozing Angelina collapses!

                               [courtesy National Enquirer]


Pregnant Nicole in rehab again!

                                                               [courtesy National Enquirer]


Britney hits rock bottom

                                             [courtesy the Star]


Britney suicide watch

                                [courtesy OK! Weekly]


                          and a Beyond Bimbos section:


Liz Taylor passes out!
   collapses on eve of wedding No. 9

                                                    [courtesy the Globe]


Barbara Walters vows to
'destroy' Rosie O'Donnell

                   [courtesy National Examiner]


Jodie Foster going deaf!
                 She wears hearing aid

                                    [courtesy National Examiner]


Dumb news from Indiana:
Protesters in Uniontown, Jackson County, were photographing por-
nography shop customers and posting their photos on the internet.

                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky and Tennessee
:
A barber in Clarksville, Tennessee, who served soldiers at Fort Camp-
bell, Kentucky (and had been commended by General Petraeus),  shot
himself in the head and died at a city council meeting when  his  request
to rezone his home for a bigger shop was denied.  
                                                                                     [courtesy AP]

Quotation of the week
:
"Y'all  have  put  me under – I'm out of here."
                                                                        – Clarkesville (Tenn.) barber Ronald
                                                                           
"Bo" Ward, as he pulled the trigger

Borf's weekly BONUS:
A surrogate mother in Brazil gave birth to her own grandchil-
dren.
.  .  .  Russell "Rock Bottom" Byars skipped a stone 51
times  at the mouth of French Creek  into the Allegheny River
in Pennsylvania. . . .  Cincinnati tentatively approved the Ben-
gals' request to shoot  pooping  pigeons  in their football stadi-
um.
  .  .  .  A fund-raiser for Rudolph Giuliani was held in Palo
Alto, California, with an admission charge of $9.11 .  .  . Brit-
ney Spears lost custody of her children. . . .  Paris Hilton plan-
ned a good will mission to Rwanda. . . . The High Court of In-
dia ordered a judge back to law school.  .  .  . U.S. marshals
refused to let a woman enter a federal courthouse in Coeur D'-
Alene, Idaho, until she removed a bra that had triggered a met-
al detector. . . .  A negligent homicide charge was dismissed a-
gainst a woman in Lake Jackson,  Texas,  who  had  given  her
husband a sherry enema that led to alcohol poisoning. . . . O. J.
Simpson's Rolex,  seized by attorneys for Fred Goldman,  was
ordered returned after it was found to be a knockoff   made  in
China.
                      [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Pitawas Andrews."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Dana Perino,  Dina
Temple-Raston,  and Russell "Rock Bottom" Byars.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor