February 24, 2008:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – this week's headlines:


LINDSAY LOHAN POSES NUDE
              for New York magazine

                                                              [courtesy National Enquirer]


NASA receives song from space!
             'Universal Bop' by the Arcturian Comets

                                                            [courtesy Strange Times]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Dean Anthony-Q10902 wrote Mon 18 Feb 2008 10:28:49 CST:
Just so I understand, Gary Logsdon said "corporal," not "corporeal"?

Yes,  and that usage seems to be correct,  by our understanding.  "Corporal"
means of the human body, or physical;  and "corporeal" means pertaining to
the body.  You can look it up.  An example of the usage of "corporeal" in one
of our dictionaries is "corporeal appetite."

What those of us present for the event recall having heard Mr. Logsdon actually
say, however, was "since Jesus was a corporal"!  – Ed.

Dumb news from Indiana:
A teller at a New Albany credit union pleaded guilty  to embezzling
$7 million – more than $150,000 a month – to finance her gambling
habit at Indiana's riverboat casinos.

                                          [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A Pikeville hospital that received $3.4 million in disputed Medicaid
claims just  two  months  before Governor Ernie left office last year
has hired the former Governor Ernie, a physician, as a "consultant."
. . .  The state House of Representatives voted 98 to 0 for "In God
We Trust" license plates. .  .  . Another surprise birthday party was
announced in the local paper in Brownsville.

                              [courtesy Courier-Journal, Edmonson News]

Dumb cat news from all over:
Miko fled a house fire in Albuquerque,  New Mexico,  and turned
up a month later at an animal shelter in Pueblo, Colorado (she was
identified by a microchip in her neck. .  .  . Meatloaf wandered into
a container in Pompano Beach, Florida, and turned up three weeks
later in Phoenix, Arizona. . . .  Georgia fled her carrier on a subway
platform in New York  and was found by transit workers  25  days
later.
                                                         [courtesy Associated Press]


Dumb cow news
:
A steer in Saginaw County, Michigan, with a spot the shape of Mich-
igan on his left flank,  and 
named  Michigan,  was offered for sale as
promotional or mascot material  (take a look).  .  .  . 
A policeman in
Rogers, Arkansas, tasered a cow for a joke video.
                                                                                  [courtesy AP]

Birthdays:
Dakota Fanning, 14
Charlotte Church, 22
Molly Ringwald,  40

Borf's weekly BONUS:
A Minnesota man claimed  that  Barack Obama and he took
cocaine and had sex with each other in Chicago in 1999. . . .
A federal bankruptcy judge in Boston  (a "family values" Bush
appointee)  resigned after being arrested in Boston for DUI in
drag. . . . . Hair from the first 12 U.S. presidents  was display-
ed at the Academy of Natural Sciences in Philadelphia.  .   .   .
Officials in Washington, D.C., embezzled $346,700 through a
dummy firm called Bilkemor LLC. . . .  Britney Spears was al-
lowed a three-hour visitation with her sons. . . . Lindsay Lohan
got two "worst actress" awards at the Razzies for her dual role
in  "I Know Who Killed Me,"  which was voted worst picture,
and Eddie Murphy was named worst actor,  worst supporting
actor and worst supporting actress for his roles in "Norbit." . . .
PETA named Aretha Franklin the "worst-dressed celebrity" at
the Grammys for wearing  "yet another vulgar fur"  (see  photo
below) and asked her to show a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T for ani-
mals. . . .  Patty Hearst took her French bulldog,  Diva,  to the
Westminster dog show. .  .  . Scientists in Madagascar found a
fossil of a "devil toad" the size of a bowling ball.  .  .  .  German
scientists sent 72 cichlids (small fish) on a 10-minute rocket ride
into space from Sweden, to study motion sickness.

                     [courtesy Propeller.com, Harper's Weekly, AP]

Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Gamaliel Sam"
    titled "Discounts & Bonuses: Quality Drugs for your health,"  and
    from "Gradey Cadmus" titled "Seven Niggers and Linsey Lohan."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guests lined up
for next Sunday are Miko, Meatloaf, Georgia, Diva and that "Old
Devil Toad."   In a later meeting,  we'll have at least seven cichlids
from Sweden   (we invited the cows,  too,  but one of them won't
leave Michigan,  and the other has not yet recovered).


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,  "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines -- or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett





Previous issue

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Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




February 17, 2008:     Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – this week's headlines:


Oprah love triangle – Stedman's jealous rage:
  'IT'S OBAMA OR ME'


                                                                     [courtesy National Examiner]


SECRET CLINTON DIVORCE DEAL
     Marriage over if Hillary loses election

                                                                          [courtesy the Globe]


Britney claims:
   My mom slept with my husband

                                                                              [courtesy In Touch]


Granny, 75, BUSTED at McDonald's drive-thru
                 — for not pulling forward!

                                          [courtesy National Examiner]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Plaxico Burress wrote Sun 10 Feb 2008 @23:47:12 PST:
I ain't tracing no Puerto Vallartians, me or any of my entourage,
including my viruses!!!!!!!!!!!  I ain't got no fight with those Val-
lartians.  And, a capital B, please.

Bruce Mitchell wrote Mon 11 Feb 2008 @15:25:40 PST:
I nominate Fred Dean for the Pulitzer Prize in Political Poetry.

Dumb news from Indiana:
The NCAA accused Indiana University basketball coach Kelvin
Sampson, who arrived last season on probation for recruiting vi-
olations at Oklahoma, of similar violations at Indiana. . . .

A rotten-egg stench hung over Morgan, Monroe, Lawrence and
Orange counties in Southern Indiana.

                                                      [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Abraham Lincoln's 199th birthday party in Larue County, which was to be
attended by Laura Bush,  was canceled on account of snow, sleet and rain
(approximately the same weather as on the day of  Lincoln's  birth  there in
1809.)
                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal
, Indianapolis Star]

Quotation of the week:
"Judge, this case has been around since Jesus was corporal."
– attorney Gary S. Logsdon, in Edmonson Circuit Court, Brownsville, Ky.


Borf's weekly BONUS:
Mitt Romeny won primary elections  in states in which he has
owned homes. .  .  .  Scientists meeting at Arizona State Uni-
versity objected to NASA's beaming the Beatles' "Across the
Universe" into outer space on  grounds  that  no research
had
been
done on how extraterrestrials,  if any,  might react to the
message. .  .  .
Tom Jones insured his chest hair for $7 million.
. . .  A retiree in Oceanside,  California,  author of two books,
revealed  that  he  had graduated from high school and college
and taught high school for 17 years while he was illiterate.  . . .
Beyonce Knowles introduced Tina Turner as the "queen" at the
Grammys,  and Aretha Franklin called that a  "cheap shot." . . .
Jane Fonda said "cunt" on the Today show. . . . Roger Clemens
admitted that his wife had taken injections of human growth hor-
mone  (in preparation for
a Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot).

                                               [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

Unopened e-mail last week  included messages from "Kenton Dunham" titled
    "deorusumduction," from "Doctor Major" titled "Dear Dagrande," and from
    "Polly" titled "Mia Hills drools all over the . . . [never mind]."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for a meeting in the near future include Beyonce Knowles,
Aretha Franklin, Tina Turner, Li'l  Kim and Mary J. Bilge.  Plaxico
Burress will moderate.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,  "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines -- or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




February 10, 2008:     Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – this week's headlines:


Britney Spears released

                          [courtesy Baltimore Sun]


Paris Hilton goes to Harvard

                                            [courtesy Washington Post]


Heath Ledger's death ruled accidental

                                                                    [courtesy Dallas Morning News]
    [Six-drug  combo:  Two  pain-killers – OxyContin  and  hydrocodone;
     two tranqs – Xanax and Valium,  and two sleeping pills – Restoril and
     Unisom.  "ACCIDENTAL"?  Funny way to spell "death wish." – Ed.]


Oral disease epidemic
    Plaxico burress virus traced to Puerto Vallarta

                                                                                       [courtesy Nathaniel Enquirer]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Fred Dean wrote from California on Weds 6 Feb 2008 @10:35 a.m. PST:
I cast my vote for Obama:
He cares 'bout you and your mama;
And he can't be accused of high drama,
Like, he never mentions Osama.

Steve Yates wrote from Sunfish on Fri 8 Feb 2008 @ 2:00 pm CST.
Thank you for Tabloid Headlines.  That's where I get all my news.

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A "surprise" birthday party for Thelma Vincent was announced in the
local paper, with her picture.


                                                              [courtesy Edmonson News]

Quotation of the week:
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on cologne
 and they go out and smell each other."
                                                                           – Karl, age 5

Birthdays:
Gary Coleman, 40
Mamie Van Doren, 77

Borf's weekly BONUS:
A camping web site was selling canned cheeseburgers. . . .
Hungry Haitians were eating cookies made of mud. .  .  . A
Pennsylvania woman locked her 10-year-old grandson in a
dog crate for spiking family drinks with lamp oil and cleans-
er. . . .  A Florida grandmother was arrested hiding cocaine
in her bra.  . . . A woman arrested for DUI in St. Augustine,
Florida,  had a case of  Busch  beer  strapped in with a seat
belt beside her but  an  unbuckled 
16-month-old  girl  in her
mother's lap in the back seat. . . .  A judge appointed Britney
Spears' father conservator of her finances  and prohibited her
from contacting her manager.  . . . Woolworth's in Britain quit
selling a bed for 6-year-old girls called the  Lolita  Midsleeper.
.  .  .  As Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of California was
endorsing John McCain for President, his wife, Maria Shriver,
was endorsing Barack Obama.

                                            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Briana B. Rhoades,"
    "Briana E. Rhoades," and "Briana K. Rhoades."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Briana Z. Rhoades..


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett



Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




February 3, 2008:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Britney HOOKED ON METH!

                                                                                         [courtesy National Enquirer]


Jamie Lynn runs away from home

                                                                            [courtesy National Enquirer]


Scammer poses as Heath's father

                                             [courtesy National Enquirer]


JFK Jr. love child found
Kennedy clan fears he'll seize family fortune

                                            [courtesy National Examiner]


KUCINICH, GIULIANI & EDWARDS FORM TROIKA

                                                                                               [courtesy Strange Times]


Dr. Phil facing jail in fraud probe

                                                      [courtesy the Globe]


Dumb news from Indiana:
Two fourth-grade boys on flag duty at their school in Chesterton got
their tongues
frozen to the flagpole.
                                                                         [courtesy
MSNBC]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A political action committee disclosed that a casino operator spent more
than a million dollars last year to help elect Governor  Stevie,  who cam-
paigned on a pro-casino platform.
                                                                 [courtesy Associated Press]

Quotation of the week:
"You cannot ignore yourself."
                                                – Yahoo! Games error message

Birthdays:
Sarah McLachlan, 40
Oprah Winfrey, 54

Borf's weekly BONUS:
Gazans  pouring  into Egypt  through  Hamas'  holes  in  the
wall purchased camels, candy, cement, chairs, cheese, ciga-
rettes, computers,  cows,  doughnuts,  gasoline,  generators,
goats,  mattresses,  medicine,  motorcycles,  pistols,  potato
chips,  sheep,  snack cakes,  soap,  and television sets,  and
married Egyptians. . . . The Liberian born-again Christian e-
vangelist Milton Blayee, a/k/a General Butt Naked,  confes-
sed to war crimes  that he and his Butt Naked Battalion had
committed in the nude. . . . Dwarf thieves smuggled into bus-
es in carry-on sports bags  were  rifling Swedish passengers'
belongings in the luggage racks above the seats. . . . Senator
Daniel Inouye, 83, is getting married. .  .  .  Animal control a-
gents removed 100 ferrets, a dog, a bird, three cats,   a dead
cat, a dead rat, a dead otter and 89 dead ferrets from a home
in Virginia Beach, Virginia  (and later euthanized 61 of the live
ferrets, who were in poor health). . . .  Two hundred nine cats
and three dogs were removed from a home in Bonham, Texas.
. . . Two passenger trains got stuck in Donner Pass;  and three
cables were severed in the Mediterranean Sea, cutting internet
service to India. . . .  Marin County discharged 2 million gal-
lons of sewage into San Francisco Bay. . . .  Meltdown, a bal-
let about Britney Spears, opened in London. . . . Lithuania was
considering changing its name.

       [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, National Public Radio]


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "emadisonnucoko"  titled  "Hello dear
    Natty Bumppo," and messages from Abdul Wolf, Abdul Valentine, and Susan Bourgeois.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.   Today's  guest
speaker will be  Osama  bin  Laden,  who is expected to endorse
one  (or, perhaps, both)  of  the Democratic candidates for Presi-
dent.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett



Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor