May 25, 2008:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Mel Gibson, Britney Spears
  cavort off to Costa Rica
               With his wife and her father

                                             [courtesy the Buzz]


Lisa Simpson's voice sues for divorce

                                                     [courtesy National Enquirer]


Jimmy Hoffa found in Manson dig

                                                                                            [courtesy Strange Times]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Publius Leget wrote Sun 18 May 2008 @10:04:26 PDT:
Yeah, Who were baroque.  So were the Jefferson Airplane,
Traffic and the Beatles.  But, get back, man!  Bill Haley and
the Comets did Gregorian chants.

What was Elvis?

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 18 May 2008 @12:54:06 PDT in re
the National Examiner headline "Bill wants Hillary to lose":
Bill Clinton as saboteur?  Why else would the former  "first black
president"  go out of his  way  to piss off half the black leadership
and preachers in the Carolinas, engage in constant finger wagging
and continuously make  idiotic  statements  on every subject.   Al
Gore's biggest mistake was  not  using  him  to campaign in 2000.
Hillary's was in not putting him  out  to  pasture.   He's best left to
traveling to corners of the world where he's still respected . . . .

Dumb news from Indiana:
The Clinton for President campaign left Bloomington in April with $55,000
owed and yet unpaid to Indiana University for sound, security and other fa-
cilities.   The  university  knew  there  was a risk the bills would not be paid,
said IU spokesman Larry MacIntyre.
                                                                     [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Cartoon by Marc Murphy in Louisville Courier-Journal
(used with permission; all rights reserved)
:



Quotations of the week:
"So you'll walk me down the aisle?  Is that what you're saying?"
– Ellen DeGeneres, who is engaged to her girl friend, to John McCain,
    who opposes gay marriage but
wished Ellen "every happiness"

"Even Wilt Chamberlain kept playing ball, babe!"
Eric Crawford,  Louisville Courier-Journal sports columnist,  on
    the custom of retiring 3-year-old Kentucky Derby
winners to stud

Birthdays:  Jim Lehrer, 74


Borf's weekly BONUS:
Montana Governor  Brian Schweitzer  gave the commence-
ment address at Opheim High School,  to  Jeff  Greenwood
(who was in a class by himself).  .  .  . The yearbook at Mc-
Kinney High School in Texas  was recalled for heads photo-
swapped to other bodies,  a girl with a an arm missing,   and
another girl's head placed  on  a  nude  body.  .  .  . A javelin
speared a newspaper photographer at the Utah  high  school
track and field championship. . . .Gretchen Wilson, 34, grad-
uated from high school. . . .
John Tyler Hammons, a 19-year-
old college freshman elected mayor of Muskogee, Oklahoma,
is president  of  both  the Young Republicans  and  the Young
Democrats at the University of Oklahoma. . . .Billions of hairy,
reddish-brown "crazy Rasberry ants" (named for a local exter-
minator)  were swarming through Houston.  "You  know  what
it's like to sit down on the commode with crazy ants running ev-
erywhere?" one resident asked. . . . Yosuke Nakamura,  a par-
rot lost in Nagareyama, Japan, chatted up his name and address
safely and got home safely.  .  .  . Israeli fighters intercepted a jet
carrying Tony Blair. . . . Hillary Clinton "misspoke" again.

                                 [courtesy the Buzz, Harper's Weekly, AP]

Unopened e-mail last week included messages from
    "Miguel Rice" titled "Win Fred's money" and from
    "Hoshikawa Kanae" titled "Šm”F‚‚Š‚‚‚‚�B";
    messages with attachments but no titles from "bumppo
    @borfents.com" and "borf @borfents.com" (those were
    "spoofs" – i.e., messages from spamsters counterfeiting
    our return addresses – beware),  and  messages  from
    "Abel Cain"  and  "bald corlene."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for a meeting in the near future include Hillary Clinton and
Ethel Kennedy.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,  "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines -- or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett



Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




May 18, 2008:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Eddy Arnold dies of broken heart

                                                                                      [courtesy the Globe]


O.J.'s girl friend run over

                                          [courtesy National Enquirer]


Revealed: Bill wants Hillary to lose

                                                     [courtesy National Examiner]


True confessions:
                                                                [courtesy National Examiner]


California court rules cat
can be man's best friend

                                          [courtesy Strange Times]


Dumb news from Kentucky:
The  chippie  half  of  a morning radio disk jockey duo in Bowling
Green referred to Snoop Dogg  as  "Mr. D-O-jism-jism!"

                 [courtesy WUHU-FM 107.1 (she actually said that)]

Four former governors endorsed  Hillary Clinton  for President;  the
present governor has not endorsed anyone,  and the lieutenant gov-
ernor has endorsed Barack Obama.
                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

Quotation of the week:
Indiana University, facing NCAA sanctions and claiming to be a victim
of its fired basketball coach,  Kelvin  Sampson,  is  "like letting Britney
Spears baby-sit your kids, then saying you're shocked when they wind
up in Tijuana covered with tattoos."
 Eric Crawford, Louisville Courier-Journal sports columnist

Sobering thought of the week:
Putting one little word after another, and,  if  the  Eagles  are classic rock,
what were the Who?  Baroque?

Birthdays:
Debra Winger, 53
Wavy Gravy, 72

Borf's weekly BONUS:
Three home-schooled teen-agers in Texas dug up the corpse
of an 11-year-old boy and used his skull for a bong. . . .A 9-
year-old girl went to a hospital in Greece with stomach pains
and was found to be carrying her embryonic twin.  .  .  . Two
dozen  giant  beetles – some the size of a child's hand – were
intercepted at the post office in Mohnton,  Pennsylvania,  in a
package from Taiwan labeled toys, gifts and jellies.

                                          [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Lindsey Shea"
    titled "Please read on."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Roger Daltrey, Eric
Crawford, Snoop Dogg, Kelvin Sampson, and Bobby Knight.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett


More softball hotties (photos courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal):




Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




May 11, 2008:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Oprah to Rachel Ray:
 'YOU MAKE ME SICK'


                                                             [courtesy National Enquirer]


JFK Jr. MURDERED!
   New proof he was poisoned before he flew plane

                                                              [courtesy National Examiner]


Bill's jealous rage over
   Hillary gay scandal
         'It's her or me!' he fumes

                               [courtesy the Globe]


Nicole Kidman fights to keep
     kids from Scientology


                                           [courtesy the Globe]


Redheads reported in danger of extinction

                                                             [courtesy Deedle Dee News]


Dumb news from Indiana:
A 6th-grader was detained in Ingalls, in eastern Indiana, for dealing
marijuana to his classmates.

                                                         [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A Mount Washington man died from a  fall  off his girl friend's Honda
Accord. He had been jumping on the glass sun roof, arguing with her,
when she accelerated. . . .
Thirty-five  workers  at the Somerset Hardwood and Flooring factory
were charged with having false Social Security numbers.

                                              [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal
]

Quotations of the week:
"She is in a somewhat delusional state."
– Chicago St. Xavier University history professor
   Peter  Kirstein,   speaking  of  Hillary  Clinton

"This is a very strange country."
– Shari Villarosa, U.S. Charg d'Affaires in Burma ("Myanmar")

"You  know,  that's the great thing about town hall meetings,  sir,
  but there's people here who don't respect that kind of language."
– John McCain, asked by Iowa Baptist minister Marty Parrish
    if McCain had called his wife, Cindy, a cunt in 1992

Birthdays:
Traci Lords, 39
Willie Mays, 77

Borf's weekly BONUS:
An man who lost 105 of his 413 pounds awaiting trial for mur-
der sued his Arkansas jail for underfeeding him. . . . The sister-
in-law of the Austrian who kept his daughter a sex slave for 24
years blamed the man's wife,  her sister,  for getting fat and un-
attractive. . . .Police in Germany discovered the bodies of three
dead babies in a cellar freezer  where the family's older children
had gone rummaging for a frozen pizza. .  .  . A former Mr. Gay
United Kingdom charged with murder was accused of eating his
victim's leg. . . . A Japanese government employee was found to
have viewed pornography on line at work  more  than  780,000
times in nine months. . . . Western Australia's Liberal Party lead-
er, Troy Buswell, admitted to having sniffed the chair of a female
staffer in 2005.  . . . Fox News broadcast an image of Abraham
Lincoln facing off  Frederick  Douglass  to  illustrate the Lincoln-
Douglas debates.  . . . Brazilian football star Ronaldo was black-
mailed by three transvestite prostitutes. . . .France expanded the
geographical definition of Champagne  from 370 communities to
410. .  .  . Cindy McCain refused to release her tax returns  (she
and her husband file separately). .  .  . A sinkhole in southeastern
Texas  900 feet long and 260 feet deep  swallowed oil tanks and
barrels, tires and telephone poles, and several vehicles. . . .A 55-
year-old man in Omaha, Nebraska,  unable to breathe and afraid
the ambulance would not arrive in time, performed a tracheotomy
on himself with a steak knife (for the second time in two years). ...
A $5 million lottery winner  in  Dublin,  Georgia,  was  stabbed  to
death by her boy friend.  . . . Scientists reported that echo-locating
bats emit sounds louder than those at rock concerts.

              [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, NPR, Propeller.com]

Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Pavlov
    Waylin," "Kurtis Scarface" and "Timotheus Kimbell."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the  Weekly  World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books  outside Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Marty Parrish, Troy
Buswell, and Shari Villarosa.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,  "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines -- or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)

    Welcome to new subscriber Notty Bumbo, of San Francisco.  As
a new subscriber, he gets a one-time free pass on these restrictions.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett


Dumb towns in Kentucky:




Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




May 4, 2008:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Hillary gay love scandal revealed!
                   The sexy beauty, aide Huma Abedin,
                        who's with her day and night


                                                              [courtesy the Globe]


Obama marriage EXPLODES!

                            [courtesy National Enquirer]


Anna Nicole KILLED HER SON

                                                                               [courtesy the Globe]


Human embryo generated from chopped liver

                                                                                             [courtesy Strange Times]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
As we reported,  we had  "technical difficulties"  (obstruction by the thought police)
in transmitting Tabloid Headlines last Sunday.  Here is some of the reader response:

A. K. Hatfield wrote Sun 27 Apr 2008 @12:56:49 EDT:
Just checked my e-mail.  No message from the Tabloids.  It's not nice to inter-
rupt the regular routine of the elderly.   Have  I  been  McCARTHYIZED????
I hope you are just taking a sabbatical.

campquest-mi@comcast.net wrote Sun 27 Apr 2008 @20:42:47 EDT (after distribu-
tion restored):
Thanks!    I was getting a bit worried when I hadn't received my usual Sunday morning dose of Tabloids.  Hope all bugs are eradicated.

Dick  Freeman  wrote Sun 27 Apr 2008 @16:50:52 PDT re our plea on third trans-
mission "Please let us know if you don't get this transmission":
i got the message ......unfortunately......

Bruce  Mitchell  wrote Sun 27 Apr 2008 @18:33:15 PDT:
I didn't get this transmission. Thought you should know.

Dumb news from Indiana:
Indiana University law students in Indianapolis wore empty holsters to
class,   joining others around the country in a protest to allow students
to carry concealed firearms. . . .

Tony Zirkle,  a congressional candidate from Crown  Point,  spoke to
Nazis in Chicago celebrating Hitler's birthday.    "I'll speak before any
group that invites me,"  he said.  "I've spoken on an African-American
radio station in Atlanta."
                                                              [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Eight Belles came in second in the Kentucky Derby and was euthanized.

                                      [courtesy National Broadcasting Company
]

Dumb news not too far from Kentucky:
Home folks are promoting  Rutherford County,  North Carolina,  as  the
birthplace of Abraham Lincoln instead of Larue County, Kentucky (they
say that Abe was the illegitimate son of Nancy Hanks before she moved
to Kentucky and married Tom Lincoln).
                                                                                       [courtesy AP]

Borf's weekly BONUS:
Miley Cyrus changed her mind about the propriety of a sug-
gestive  photograph  of her in the upcoming issue  of  Vanity
Fair. . . .An Austrian woman missing for 24 years, since she
was 18, had been held by her father
in the basement, where
she bore him six children.  .  .  . A 17-year-old girl in Basra,
Iraq, was stomped, suffocated, and stabbed to death by her
father, who accused her of having an affair with a British sol-
dier. . . . A governor in northern Saudi Arabia ordered hair-
cuts for men flirting with girls in public.  .  .  .  Students  with
vertical  lines  shaved in their eyebrows  were ordered home
from Centennial High School in Portland,  Oregon. . . . East-
ern Oregonians announced plans to secede. . . . Penis shrink-
ers and penis thieves were arrested in the Congo.  . . . Albert
Hofmann, the discoverer of LSD,  died in Switzerland at 102.
. . . A newspaper delivery man in Marion, Illinois, rescued an
84-year old woman pinned under her husband who had died
four days earlier in their living room. . . .  A man was arrested
for  forgery  in Fort Worth,  Texas,  after trying to negotiate a
$360  billion  check  on his girl friend's mother's account.  . . .
Three residents of the island of Lesbos sued a gay rights group
in Greece to remove "Lesbian" from its name.

                                            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

Unopened e-mail last week included messages from
"Kendra Hull" titled "Hi piramid in your pants," and
"webmaster@postcards.org" titled "You have received a card from a family member."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't   forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the  Weekly  World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books  outside Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Tony Zirkle and Mi-
ley Cyrus ("Hanna Montana").


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett


Dumb town in Kentucky:




Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor