Terry Crow wrote Sun 22 June 2008 @08:13:54 PDT:

Regarding "Clinton mistress revealed: Bill cheated constantly
while Hillary ran for Prez" – This is supposed to be stuff that
you would never know  unless you browsed the tabloids.   I
believe that this is common knowledge.

Sorry – we thought he had reformed. – Ed.


Stephen Yates wrote Tues 24 June 2008 @13:21:55 CDT:

We in Sunfish, Kentucky – where the men are men and the sheep
are EXITED! – were pleased to see the sheep getting their due.

Motorists complained of hour-long lines at toll booths, high gasoline
prices,  filthy restrooms,  and the i-Zoom Girl mascot on the Indiana
Toll Road, owned and operated by a Spanish-Australian consortium
since 2006  (sorry,  no pix yet of the buxom i-Zoom Girl  –  and half
our sources were TV stations!   That's even dumber news from Indi-
ana). . . .

A  woman  in  Roy,  Utah,  received two rat snakes in the mail  from
Mooresville,  Indiana –  along with the oxygen generator she had or-
dered.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

The state attorney general's "identity" was stolen for thousands of dollars
worth of computers, Vonage phone service and postage  charged  to his
credit card. . . .

Thirty-one per cent more Kentuckians than Hoosiers believe the "word of
God is literally true,"  according to a national survey  (which,  nonetheless,
put Hoosiers 6 per cent above the national average on this question).

                                             [courtesy AP, Louisville Courier-Journal]

Gus, a pedigreed Chinese crested from St. Petersburg, Flo-
rida, with three legs, one eye and no hair except for a white
tuft on the top of his head,  won  the World's  Ugliest  Dog
contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Petaluma,California. ...
An inmate trying to escape from the city jail in Alton,  Texas,
through air conditioning ducts fell into the police chief's office.
. . .  Thirty giant iguanas surrounded Florida Fish and Wildlife
Commissioner Bob Kanjian at a golf course in LakeWorth. ...
A forensic pathologist  and an anthropologist  concluded  that
what appeared to be the sixth human foot  washed  ashore  at
Canada's Vancouver Island  was an animal paw and seaweed
stuffed in a sock. . . . China made plans to turn an earthquake-
created lake into a tourist attraction.  .  .  . A "pregnancy pact"
was uncovered at the  high  school  in  Gloucester,  Massachu-
setts (where 17 girls have been knocked up this year,  compar-
ed to 4 last year). .  .  . The New Mexico Court of Appeals re-
fused to let a man named Variable  change  his  name  to  Fuck
Censorship.  .  .  . The Romanian Senate passed a bill requiring
radio and television stations to give good news equal time.

                                            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 15 Jun 2008 @21:01:22 PDT re
the 8-year-old girl who swallowed steel balls and magnets:

Huh?   Haley Lents swallowed what she thought was
candy?  She didn't lick, suck or chew it, like a normal
8-year-old?  Is she big as a house?

Sorry,  no  pix.  You'll have to come meet her at the Weekly
World News Round Table.  We'll let everyone know the ex-
act date date when she confirms.  – Ed.


Bob Hill wrote Mon 16 Jun 2008 @07:01:49 EDT:

If anybody asks, I've got Priscilla Presley's old face here
in a jar in Utica, Indiana.

A 2-year-old boy was abandoned by his mother  at a Wal-Mart  in
Frankfort.
                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

A woman driving an SUV shot a motorcyclist in the chest with a .38
revolver in a bit of road rage in Jeffersonsville.

                                                             [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"You need to let people know you're famous."

– Jeanie Munsee, Edmonson County (Kentucky) Librarian

Barry Manilow, 62
Jane Russell, 87

A vasectomy was reversed on a horse at the Smithsonian Zoo.
.  .  .   Geneticists were developing insects that eat wood chips
and excrete petroleum. . . . Alligators were found in the Chica-
go River and in a drain pipe in Cookeville, Tennessee.  .  .  . A
judge reduced Leona Helmsley's little dog's trust fund from $12
million to $2 million. . . . A German sportswriter, late for a flight
toVienna to cover the European soccer tournament, was arrest-
ed for telephoning in a bomb threat to delay his plane. . . . Mint,
clove  and  vanilla  would be banned as  flavor  additives  as the
Food & Drug Administration takes over cigarette regulation  un-
der a bill in Congress,  while  menthol  – preferred by more than
75 per cent of black smokers  but by fewer than 25 per cent  of
whites – would be exempt.  .  .  . Six  severed  human  feet  have
washed up on Canada's Vancouver Island since last August – the
latest last week in an Adidas running shoe  (they represent at least
five victims, as five of the six were right feet).  .  .  . Britney Spears
returned to Los Angeles,  where a bodyguard immediately shoved
a camera into a paparazzo's face.

                                                  [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 8 Jun 2008 @09:13:25 PDT re the
casinos opening in Anderson and Shelbville, Indiana:

But – but – don't a ribber hab to run through it – or under it?
Dere ain't no ribber in Anderson or Shelbybille am dere?

Well, the upper West Fork of the "White" River runs through Ander-
son,  and Shelbyville lies on the "Big Blue" River.   But there is  some
doubt whether either would support a "riverboat";  and,  in any event,
neither horse track nor either casino is on the banks of either river, let
alone on either river.  Just call it Las Vegas in the heartland in which in
God we trust  (have you seen the new license plates?).  –  Ed.

A wireless internet "connection" at a hotel in Rushville failed,  delaying
transmission of Tabloid Headlines to dozens of anxious subscribers. ...

An 8-year-old Huntingburg girl, Haley Lents,  swallowed 20 steel balls
and 10 magnets from a "Magnetix"  toy  kit.   Haley,  who gets A's and
B's in school,  said the metal looked like candy.

                                                               [courtesy Associated Press]

Two women and a 12-year-old boy were killed in a head-on crash of  two
pickup trucks near Dawson Springs.
                                                                                           [courtesy AP]

"I regret that I have but one life to give for your country."

                                        – Khalid Shaikh Mohammed

Scientists darkened the breast feathers  of male barn swallows
with magic marker and found that they attracted more females,
lost weight,  and exuded more testosterone.  .  .  .  Two dozen
vandals who partied in Robert Frost's home were sentenced to
take a class on his poetry.  Frost  biographer  Jay Parini taught
them  "The  Road  Not  Taken"  --  "You come to a path in the
woods,"  he said,  "where you can say,  'Shall I go to this party
and get drunk out of my mind?'  Everything  in  life  is choices."
. . .  A messenger delivered a handwritten note from John Mc-
Cain to Barack Obama's Chicago office inviting him to a series
of debates;  and Obama aide Bill  Burton  told  the  messenger,
"You know, you could have just e-mailed this." . . . An Austra-
lian judge aborted a drug trial  after  some jurors were found to
have been playing sudoku during testimony. . . .Mayawati, min-
ister of the Indian state Uttar Pradesh and five feet tall, ordered
a 12-foot statue of herself replaced with a  larger  one  because
hers was three feet shorter than nearby statues  of other leaders.
. . . Congressman Dennis Kucinich presented impeachment arti-
cles against President Bush. .  .  . Three "day hikers" got caught
in a blizzard on Mount Rainier, and one of them died.
 
                                             [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

The Hoosier Park horse race track opened a casino in Anderson, and
Indiana Downs will open a casino in Shelbyville this week. . . .

A 13-year-old girl in Bloomington, suspected of giving marijuana-laced
brownies  to Indiana University dormitory workers,  explained to police
that they had been baked with lavender, in a school project in which she
had to make Swedish food.
                                                                 [courtesy Associated Press]

A Kentucky grand jury is investigating the theft of a 12-ton boulder from
the Ohio River by a historian in Portsmouth, Ohio.
                                                                                       [courtesy AP]

A medical examiner reported that the17-year-old boy killed by a tiger that
escaped from the San Francisco Zoo had marijuana and alcohol in his sys-
tem.
                                                                                          [courtesy AP]

"I had no horse."

– Kent Desormeaux, Big Brown's jockey

A computer spelling checker produced the following names  in
the Middletown (Pennsylvania) High School yearbook:  Kathy
Airbag,  Alexandria Impolite,  and Max Supernova (instead of
Carbaugh, Ippolito, and Zupanovic, respectively).  . . .  A resi-
dent of Hugo, Minnesota,  said he saw a tornado unwind a roll
of toilet paper in his bathroom, drape it across the counter, and
then rewind it in the sink. .  .  . Scott McClellan's memoir states
that he does not believe the Bush administration "deliberately or
consciously sought to deceive the American people" when it dis-
pensed  with  "honesty and candor."  .  .  .  British archaeologists
found that Stonehenge was a cemetery for the elite. . . .A Dutch-
man cut his ass severely mooning a restaurant window in Utrecht
(the glass broke).  .  .  . More than 70 cases of salmonella in nine
states were traced to fresh tomatoes of undetermined origin,  and
Tyson Foods destroyed 15,000 hens exposed to bird flu  in Ark-
ansas. . . .An 8-foot plaster statue of Jesus was stolen from a cru-
cifix at the Church of the Messiah in Detroit. . . .Charlie the 8-foot
wooden Tuna statue welcoming visitors was stolen from the bridge
entering the fishing village of Charleston, Oregon. . . . Universal an-
nounced it will produce Creature from the Black Lagoon the mu-
sical. . . . La Scala will produce An Inconvenient Truth the opera.
Big Brown failed to show in the Triple Crown.

                    [courtesy Harper's Weekly, National Enquirer, AP]

"cluelessingz @macgregor-group.com" titled "You feel up my senses,"
"Schnathorst Zenor" titled "greenroom interionic,"
"Lyman Reilly" titled "win fred's money," and
"augy orson" titled "You look really stupid bumppo."

Zeke Webb <sweeden@aol.com> wrote Mon 26 May 2008 @18:03:26 CDT:

Aw, man, that's so easy!  Elvis was Renaissance rock!  Still is!  The fucker
lives!  (Saw him just yesterday.)

A workman clearing debris from the track, under the yellow flag, was killed
by a race car at the "Little 500" in Anderson.
                                                                      [courtesy Associated Press]

Files of 312 traffic cases were missing and reported stolen from the basement
of the old jail building in Louisville.
                                                          [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"You know that feeling when you're so excited you have to pee? I'm feeling that. In
  my heart."
                               – Lola Pellegrino,  graduating senior at Wesleyan Univer-
                                  sity in Connecticut,  where Barack Obama delivered the
                                  commencement address  (subbing for Teddy Kennedy)


Lindsay Lohan's romantic relationship with  Samantha Robinson  "is evident to anyone
with half a brain."
                                                                          – Michael Lohan (Lindsay's father)


"The next President . . . can . . . work out a way to extricate our people from the desert.
  If a Democrat does it,  it will be appeasement;  and if  a  Republican  does it,  it will go
  down as a courageous act of statesmanship; but, one way or the other, it will be done."

                                                                                                       – Garrison Keillor

Carroll Baker, 77
Clint Eastwood, 78

A 12-year-old girl reaching for a watermelon  at  a Wal-Mart
in West Virginia  was stung by a scorpion. . . . A 34-year-old
farmer in Kumamoto, Japan, killed himself by ingesting the ag-
ricultural chemical chloropicrin and poisoned 54 other persons
by vomiting chlorine gas before he died.  .  .  .  A 61-year-old
woman near Jackson,  Tennessee,  kept alive on an  iron  lung
since contracting polio at age  3,  died  when  a  power  failure
shut the device down. . . .The FBI Joint Terrorism Task Force
preparing for the Republican National Convention  in  St. Paul
was recruiting personnel to infiltrate vegan potluck dinners. . . .
Steven Barber, a Navy veteran of Iraq,  was expelled from the
University of Virginia at Wise after writing  a  story  of the mur-
der of a man resembling his English instructor,  the  son  of  Su-
preme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, and three guns were found
in his car  (he was reinstated after promising to write in future a-
bout butterflies and rainbows). .  .  . The Czechs printed photos
of the Latvian team and the Latvian flag in the program and play-
ed Latvia's national anthem before the match –  but  their  soccer
opponent was Lithuania  (the Czechs won, 2-0, and apologized).
. . . Right-handed pitcher John Odom was traded by the Calgary
Vipers of the Golden League  to the Laredo Broncos of the Uni-
ted League for 10 baseball bats  (it was not reported whether he
is any kin  to the Oakland A's 1970's World Series pitching hero
John "Blue  Moon" Odom, also a right-hander,  but news photo-
graphs indicate that they are of different color). .  .  . Amy Wine-
house showed up an hour late in Lisbon,  and with a sore throat,
for her first concert since rehab. . . . Jessica Simpson cut a coun-
try record.
                                                [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]