Sixteen persons in Bloomfield chipped in $100 apiece, for Rotary's Po-
lioPlus, to trim 72-year-old Si Burgher's eyebrows, some of them com-
ing away with strands 3 inches long. . . .

Four teen-agers waiting for the bus to school in north central Indianapo-
lis, in four separate incidents, were pistol-whipped and robbied of MP3
players, cell phones, book bags, shoes and lunch money. . . .

Fifteen bonnethead sharks died of an ozone overdose at the Indianapo-
lis Zoo.
                                  [courtesy Indianapolis Star, Associated Press]

It is against the law in Pendleton County, in northern Kentucky:

• For a felon to own a dog that weighs more than 20 pounds.
• To walk too slow.
  

                               [courtesy Edwin F. Kagin, attorney at law]

"I've never had a problem with drugs, only with policemen."
                                                                                            – Keith Richards

A new bookstore in Bowling Green, Kentucky, has a shelf labeled
"Chick Lit."  Titles include:

• Rebecca Wells' novel Ya-Yas in Bloom
• Diane Johnson's trilogy Le Mariage, L'Affaire, and Le Divorce
• Kim Green, Is That a Moose in Your Pocket?
• Valerie Frankel, The Accidental Virgin
• Rita Rudner, Tickled Pink
  
• Nancy Warren, MaryJanice Davidson and Karen Kelley,
  Bad Boys with Expensive Toys
  

Samantha Geimer, 45
Linda Blair, 50
Nastassja Kinski, 50

Remarks on communism and dissent were deleted from Chi-
nese translations of President Obama's inaugural address. . ..
Enviromentalists postulated that doing  two  Google searches
generates as much carbon dioxide as boiling a kettle of water.
.  .  .  Boy  George  got 15 months in prison for handcuffing a
Norwegian escort to a bed and beating him with a chain.  . . .
A rider was knocked over and trampled by a cow on a bicy-
cle trail in South Boulder, Colorado. . . .  The Parents Televi-
sion Council is up in arms over Britney Spears' new single  "If
You Seek Amy" (just say it out loud a few times, dragging out
the two syllables of "Amy";  you'll get it).  .  .  . A 39-year-old
woman in Independence, Iowa, was arrested for not returning
a book she borrowed from the public library  last  April.  .  .  .
Tens of millions  of  short,  black  caterpillars  were devouring
crops and driving people from their homes in Nigeria. . . . The
girls of Covenant High School beat Dallas Academy 100-0 in
basketball  (it was 59-0 at halftime). . . .  Fans of Serbian ten-
nis star Novak Djokovic and Bosnian-born Amer Delic threw
chairs at one another  after their match  at the Australian Open
(Djokovic won the match). . . . Natasha Rzanca, a 5th grader,
was refused readmittance to Sawyer Elementary in Gwinn, Mi-
chigan, when she showed up with pink hair.  . . . Kosovo hired
a public relations firm.
                                             [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

Hospital officials refuse   to confirm or deny report                     [courtesy the Globe]

David Foster, a banker, wrote from Augusta, the capital of Maine:

The "topless coffee shop" is all of about five miles from my house, but
I'm not out there that much. I am familiar, however, with the property,
as a certain collection department in a local bank – which shall remain
unnamed - auctioned it off in the not too distant past.  It's just over the
Augusta line toVassalboro;  so I would speculate that legislators might
flock there.

At least one Portland radio station was debating what the servers may
look  like,  given  that  Vassalboro could politely be described as rural
central Maine, with a population that fits right in  (and I mean no disre-
spect; I have to live here).

The columnist formerly known as Bob Hill wrote Tues 13 Jan 2009 @10:40:28 EST:

Clearly the Bluegrass Airport employes who ran up $4,500 in company credit
card bills in a Texas strip club were just researching the new Homeland Secur-
ity airport dress code.

An Indianapolis juvenile court judge sent a 14-year-old murder suspect
to Nebraska's Boys Town (he had acknowledged three armed robber-
ies but police did not tell the judge he was suspected also of the murder
of a jewelry store manager who had been robbed). . . .

A man who cut to the front  of  the  service  desk  line  at a Wal-Mart in
Muncie was arrested by an off-duty cop who was waiting in the line. . . .

The tongue of a 10-year-old boy in Hammond got frozen stuck to a met-
al light pole he licked.
                                                                  [courtesy Associated Press]

A gunman tried to rob a bank in Jessamine County, but he was in
the district water company office  (which is housed in  the  former
Farmers Bank building).
                                                                             [courtesy AP]

Kungu Njuguna, an assistant county prosecutor in Louisville, was
arrested for driving three blocks with a woman on the hood of his
car.
                                       [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"Commentators are letting fly with the word miracle  for the airbus landing on the Hudson
 River. It's not a frickin' miracle; it's a human triumph – the result of cool-headed, steady
 piloting.  Now if all the luggage is returned to its owners, that would be a miracle."

                                                                              – Peter Lloyd, intelligent creationist

"Not having weapons of mass destruction was a significant disappointment."
                                                                                                                        – George W. Bush

Muntadhar al-Zeidi, 30
Kirstie Alley and Rush Limbaugh, both 58

The "mainstream media" received quite a "wake up call"  from the National En-
quirer when they had to realize that John Edwards had,  in  fact,  been sleeping
with his cinematographer – as the Enquirer had been reporting for months, with
no attention paid by the "MSM."

Now we see  (and so must our regular readers)  that the Globe will not let go of
the rumor (we would call it myth, but it could be true) that Barack Obama is not
a "natural born citizen" of the United States.

Given the  new  credibility  of the tabloids established by the dogged investigative
reporting by the National Enquirer, and given the corruption seemingly inherent in
Illinois politics, we cannot totally discredit or even credibly discount these contin-
uing reports from the Globe.

But we at Tabloid Headlines are not greatly concerned.  For starters, it is arguable
that Mr. Obama's  principal  opponent  in the 2008 American presidential election,
John McCain,  who was born in Panama,  had even a lesser claim to "natural born
citizenship" than did Mr. Obama.  "Sauce for the goose . . . ," you know.

But more significantly  (and with an even finer resort to argument ad hominem),  it
seems to us that Mr. Obama is a decent  fellow – not to mention above average in-
telligence – with the interests of his country (native or adopted) at heart.  Let's  give
him – and peace – a  chance.

And let's not overlook another possibility.    There is an exception to the criterion of
"natural born citizen"  in Article II, Section 1, of the Constitution,  allowing  "a citizen
of the United States at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution," wherever born,
to become President.  There are two arguments to be made here:

1.  The most recent amendment to the Constitution  was  ratified  on  May  7,  1992.
That is the effective "time of the Adoption of this Constitution," and there is no credi-
ble question that both John McCain and Barack Obama were citizens then, by habit,
custom, service, laches, estoppel and desuetude, if not by birth or "naturalization."

2.  Consider the faux folk song "Barack the Magic Negro,"  promoted by Rush Lim-
baugh and Chip Saltsman.  If Barack Obama is, indeed, a magic Negro,  then surely
he was a citizen of the United States on June 21, 1788,  the date the original Consti-
tution was ratified.

Tom Jones insured his chest hair for $7 million. .  .  . Structures
built for the 2004 Olympics in Athens were falling into ruin. . . .
A fire in South Dakota killed 13,000 turkeys. .  .  . PETA pro-
posed renaming  fish  "sea  kittens"  to discourage people from
eating them. . . . Joe the Plumber said he was leaving for Gaza
to report on the war there. . . . The Army sent 7,000 letters to
dead soldiers' families beginning "Dear John Doe." .  .  .  Larry
Flynt sought a $5 billion government bailout  for  pornography.
. . . An Australian woman who doused her sleepings husband's
genitals with alcohol  and set them afire  said she didn't mean to
kill him (she's charged with murder). . . . A 6-year-old boy and
a 5-year-old girl eloped  in Germany  (the boy's 7-year-old sis-
ter went with them as witness). .  .  . Peru's top court reinstated
a maid who was fired for being drunk on the job. ... A 77-year-
old woman crashed her car into a man on a scooter  in Boynton
Beach, Florida, and just kept driving – to keep her hair appoint-
ment.  .  .  .  A shoplifter in Cape Coral,  Florida,  was run over
twice by her getaway driver as she tried to board the car, but fi-
nally got in and escaped. . . .  A transvestite veterinarian was ar-
rested for practicing without a license in Vineland, New Jersey.

                                                  

                        [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, WHAM radio]

Postscript:  Our editors found no confirmation of a report on the
Bob & Sheri morning radio show that  Consuela  Guenther,  19,
was arrested for running naked through an  IHOP  in  Wisconsin.
If there is,  indeed,  such a person,  and she was not arrested  or
did not run through an IHOP  with her panties around her ankles,
Tabloid Headlines apologizes for spreading this heinous rumor.

David Foster wrote Tues 6 Jan 2009 @19:44:53 EST:

Are you testing the waters  for a possible new feature  "Dumb
news from Cincinnati"?  Three references in the Bonus section
and then a curtain call for two of them in the Discussion Group.

The Indianapolis Colts' receiver Marvin Harrison has escaped indict-
ment because,  although it was determined that a man who was shot
at his car wash in Philadelphia last April was shot with his gun,  wit-
nesses differ on who pulled the trigger  (the victim says it was Harri-
son).
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

The exectutive director and two other employes of the Blue Grass Air-
port in Lexington ran up $4,500 in charges at a Texas strip club on air-
port credit cards.
                                                                                     [courtesy AP]

An Associated Press search of environmental records revealed that
Indiana, Kentucky, Ohio, Georgia and Alabama all have more toxic
coal ash stored in power plant ponds than Tennessee, where a dam
broke last month spilling the stuff in a river and over highways, hous-
es and farms.
                                                                                 [courtesy AP]

"We are the senator."
                                    – Roland Burris

Michelle Wie, 20
Ronnie Hawkins, 74

Two sushi bar owners – one from Hong Kong,  the other in
Japan –  paid more than $100,000 for a 282-pound tuna at
a fish auction in Tokyo.  . . . Otolaryngologists warned golf-
ers they could go deaf  from using a new titanium driver that
creates a loud boom on impact with the ball. .  .  . Maria de
Jesus, the latest world's oldest living person,  died at the age
of 115  (and she lived in Portugal, not in Shelbyville, Indiana
– the newest oldest person, 114,  lives in Los Angeles). . . .
A red-browed Amazon parrot  at  a wildlife conservatory in
Loxahatchee Groves, Florida,  terrorized by New Year fire-
works,  beat itself to death against its cage. . . .  A man shot
by his stepfather wound up in the same jail with him in Jack-
sonville, North Carolina, after police found outstanding war-
rants for his arrest.  .  .  .  A 6-year-old boy who missed his
bus in Wicomico Church, Virginia, took off for school in the
family car, but crashed six miles down the road (police took
him the rest of the way). .  .  . A 4-year-old boy in Jackson,
Ohio,  shot his 18-year-old baby sitter  for  stepping  on  his
foot.  .  .  . A masked gunman waited in line to rob a bank in
Stow, Ohio. . . . An "eternal flame" at a new veterans memo-
rial park in Bullhead City,  Arizona,  burnt  only  until the first
gas bill arrived,  for $961. . . . A 55-year-old woman in Og-
den, Utah, was rescued after spending more than a day trap-
ped head down in an air vent she was trying to vacuum. .  .  .
A Long Island doctor going through a divorce demanded that
his wife return a kidney he had donated to her  –  or $1.5 mil-
lion in compensation. . . .  A seal broke into a fish hatchery on
Cape Cod. .  .  . A city board approved a topless coffee shop
in Vassalboro, Maine.
                                            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

"beryllium Mcbride" titled "Drugs delivery with cheep mail,"
"borfents @ windstream.net" titled "A bazooka in my pants," and
"MSN @ 2511online.com" titled "Menthol Viagra? fresh breath and fresh impressions!"

The Columnist formerly known as Bob Hill wrote Sun 28 Dec 2008 @11:52:41 EST:

Naaaa – you got it wrong again – that was 18 Indiana counties exceeded "suit"
levels, a virtually unknown commodity in most Indiana communties.  Not "soot"
levels.

Stephen Yates wrote Mon 29 Dec 2008 @13:12:25 CST:

Rahm Emanuel is right!  How do you think Dick Cheney accomplished his goals?

Merry Fredmas.

A special prosecutor was investigating the shooting of a deputy prosecutor
just elected judge in La Porte County.  Her  husband  said she accidentally
shot  herself  in  the  head  at their home three days before Christmas.  Her
wound was a grazing not considered serious.
                                                                     [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A 15-year-old Middlesboro High School cheerleader became  the  ninth
teen-ager killed in traffic in southeastern Kentucky's Bell County in 2008.                                                  

                                                                  [courtesy Associated Press]

Brothers  from  Louisville masquerading as ZZ Top were arrested for robbing a bank in Austin, Indiana.     [courtesy WHAS-TV]

"I mean, for goodness' sakes, good historians are still writing books
about George Washington."   
                                            – Condoleezza Rice, suggesting it's too early for history to
                                                judge the administration of President George W. Bush

"Absolutely – fundamentally . . . basically."
                                                                    – Lourdes  Garcia - Navarro,
                                                                       National Public Radio's Baghdad
                                                                       bureau chief (click for sound clip)

J.D. Salinger, 90
Donna Summer, 60

A 21-year-old man missing since December 19 emerged from
the attic of a stranger's home in suburban Wilkes-Barre, Penn-
sylvania, wearing the owner's daughter's pants. . . . A 15-year-
old girl in the Bronx was charged with the murders of two men,
one of whose  dismembered  remains  were found in a garbage
can. . . . A man in Pittsburgh was charged with assault for neg-
lecting to change his little boy's diaper for three days.  . . . One
man shot another in a  movie  audience  in Philadelphia for ma-
king too much noise. . . . The CIA was bribing tribal leaders in
Afghanistan with Viagra. . . . An 8-year-old Saudi girl was de-
nied a divorce from her 58-year-old husband because she was
too young to file suit. .  .  . An 88-year-old woman in Portland,
Oregon,  grabbed  a  naked intruder into her home by the balls
and squeezed. He left. . . . Former Tennessee Republican chair
Chip Saltsman,  a  candidate  for Republican national chairman,
sent out a holiday song CD  with "Barack the Magic Negro" on
it. . . . Norman Holmes got 90 days in jail for stealing a tube of
toothpaste from a drug store in Cincinnati; it was his 109th mis-
demeanor conviction. . . .Ralph Evegan, a 45-year-old paraple-
gic, was arrested  in  Cincinnati  for ramming his wheelchair into
a policeman, spitting on him,  and throwing urine from his cathe-
ter bag at a patrol car.  .  .  . An 89-year-old Cincinnati woman
was arrested for confiscating a boy's football  that  landed in her
yard and then sued the boy's parents for emotional distress over
the football and other playthings landing on her property. .  .  . A
man in Athens,  Alabama,  was arrested for accepting gift certifi-
cates for illegal drugs. . . .A Long Island boy earned all 121 mer-
it badges offered by the Boy Scouts.

                                               [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]