• She doesn't pay for ANY of her kids
• Inside her filthy home – 14 kids in 3 bedrooms
  

Publius Leget wrote Sun 15 Feb 2009 @09:37:23 CST:

You boobs!  You  misspelled  "their"  in  "Twenty-two dogs
crammed into a station wagon with there owner were seized
in Pottsboro, Texas."

Oops!  Our "spellcheck" didn't catch that – "there" seems to be
a real word. – Ed.

In a consolidation of Muhlenberg County's two high schools,
Muhlenberg North will become the West campus, and Muh-
lenberg South will become the East campus.

                                   [courtesy Kentucky Network News]

"The audience is on their feet."
                                                 – Margaret Juntwait, Live from the Met

A 41-year-old former man pleaded guilty  to  exercising
her 73-year-old husband to death in a swimming pool in
Middlefield,  Ohio. . . . A man captured a woman in De-
troit,  Michigan,  and held her captive in handcuffs and a
diaper in his home in Toledo, Ohio,  for three days while
he read to her from the Bible. . . . A Pakistani  who with
his Pakistani wife operated  a  TV  network  in Orchard
Park, New York, to dispel Muslim stereotypes  behead-
ed his wife  after she filed for divorce. .  .  . Hillary Tran-
sue, 17,  who had no record,  got three months in deten-
tion for a  MySpace  page  poking fun at her high school
principal's assistant, from one of the Pennsylvania judges
who were getting kickbacks  for sending juveniles to pri-
vately operated detention facilities.  . . .  Hackers broad-
cast vulgarities over Taco Bell's  drive-through  radio  in
Sedalia, Missouri. . . . Two man-made satellites collided
in space,  and two nuclear-armed submarines collided in
the Atlantic Ocean. . . . Laurie Cohen scored 230 points
with one word in a scrabble tournament in Phoenix,  Ari-
zona.

   The "word" with which Laurie Cohen scored 230 points in a
game of Scrabble was  "jobnames."   To survive a challenge in
Scrabble,  that has to be in a dictionary somewhere now  (and
Ms. Cohen said it was added to "our lexicon" about two years
ago).

   But back in the Days When People Knew How to Write and
Talk,  "job name" was  two  words. So was "file name";  and so
were "on line" and "web site." [back]

   And come on, Margaret Juntwait: The audience was on its feet.
Or would you rather say,  "The audience  are  on their feet"  (or,
"is on its foot")?  If you can't handle any of the correct construc-
tions,  try  "The  members  of the audience are on their feet"  (or
"The spectators are on their feet").  [back]

1.  All entries must be submitted in
      mp3PRO format (32,000 Hz, 32
      kbs), in the entrant's own voice
      (all entries will be attached to
      next week's edition).

2.   You must state your name in
      your submission (e.g., "This is
      David Foster, and I think the
      pronunciation is [whatever]," or
      "The pronunciation is [whatev-
      er] – Steve Yates").

3.  Employees, editors, officers and
      correspondents of Tabloid Head-
      lines and relatives of employees,
      editors, officers, and correspon-
      dents are not eligible.

4.  Residents and former  residents
      of northeast Ohio and relatives
      of residents and former residents
      are not eligible.

5.  It is against the rules to telephone
      the Geauga County Public Library
      (440-286-6811, 440-834-1856, 440-
      564-7131), the Geauga West Libra-
      ry (440-729-4250), the Geauga
      County Commissioners office (440-
      285-2222, 440-834-1856, 440-564-
      7131), the Chardon (Ohio) Town-
      ship Hall (440-286-3711), the Mid-
      dlefield Village Hall (440-632-5248),
      the Chardon Township Road Ga-
      rage (440-285-9002), the Township
      Cemetery Sexton (440-286-9741) or
      any of the Township Trustees (440-
      286-1500, 440-286-1655, 440-285-
      8727), the Chardon Post Office (440-
      286-6128, 440-286-3424), or the Mid-
      dlefield Post Office (440-632-0192)
      for information, hints, or sugges-
      tions on how to pronounce "Geau-
      ga."

6.  All entries will be final and will be-
      come the property of Tabloid
      Headlines upon receipt. [back]

• Hearing voices again – they won't go away
• Justin found out about pregnancy after the abortion
• Will be together with Kevin again, NO MATTER WHAT!
  

• Treated like VIP at inauguration
  
• Unlawfully in U.S. for 5 years
  
• Taxpayers footing her bills
  

Township trustees rallied against a bill in the General Assembly to a-
bolish townships. Each county in Indiana is divided into half a dozen
to a dozen-and-a-half townships,  more and less,  which had tax as-
sessors,  justices of the peace,  and constables,  too.  Trustees, who
used to administer schools in the townships,  still  administer  fire de-
partments and poor relief. . . .

Anderson High School's basketball coach threatened to quit over a
proposal to close the expensive 9,000-seat Wigwam, said to be the
second largest high school gymnasium in the world  (behind only the
Fieldhouse in New Castle, Indiana).
                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

Beer and whiskey trucks circled the State Capitol  in Frankfort
as the House of Representatives debated an  added  tax  on al-
coholic beverage.
                                      [ courtesy Kentucky Network News]


A middle school teacher was arrested with a camera under the
bleachers at a high school basketball game in Mayfield,  taking
pictures under cheerleaders' skirts.
                                                                        [courtesy AP]

"I think we've had enough boobs in the White House."
                                                                                     – Dolly Parton, when asked at the
                                                                                        National Press Club if she'd ever
                                                                                        considsidered running for President

Sergio Mendes, 68
Leslie Nielsen, 83
Charles Darwin and Abraham Lincoln, 200 (posthumous, same date)

"A-Rod" admitted using steroids  (but not with Madonna). . . .
A 66-year-old man in Boynton Beach,  Florida,  called 911 to
complain that a Burger King had no lemonade, and a 40-year-
old man in Zephyr Hills, Florida, called 911 to complain about
a shop clerk who refused to sell him beer (both were arrested).
.  .  . Botox announced a layoff of 5 per cent of its work force.
. . .  Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales blamed a fal-
tering economy for his difficulty in finding a new job. .  .  . Iran
denied visas to a group of U.S. female badminton players invi-
ted to a competition there. . . . A woman sued a Florida abor-
tion clinic that, she said,  brought forth a a live baby girl,  put it
in a biohazard bag with placenta and afterbirth,  and threw it a-
way. . . . A Chinaman was killed by an exploding cell phone in
which he had just changed batteries. . . . A Detroit mother was
arrested when her 4-year-old daughter told police, "Mom puts
me in the oven and cooks me like a turkey."  .  .  . A 4th-grade
teacher missed school Tuesday afternoon in Bellefontaine, Ohi-
o, after she was arrested turning tricks at a Super 8 Motel.  . . .
More than 100 chickens, rabbits, rodents, iguanas, and tarantu-
las were removed from a couple's  two-bedroom  apartment  in
Buffalo, New York. . . . Twenty-two dogs crammed into a sta-
tion wagon with there owner were seized in Pottsboro, Texas....
A man who asked police  in  Barnstable,  Massachusetts,  to re-
move handcuffs his sister had put on him at a party was arrested
on outstanding warrants. . .  The Cow Protection Department of
the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh in India announced  plans  to
market a soft drink based on cattle urine. . . . Blackwater chang-
ed its name to Xe. . . . George W. Bush was dead for three sec-
onds on South African TV.

                         [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

All 365 rooms of Purdue University's new luxury dormitory,  costing
each  resident  (or, more likely, his or her parents)  $13,800  a  year,
were grabbed on the first two days of registration.  Amenities include
flat screen TV, private bath, and wireless internet in each room,  plus
laundry and cleaning services.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Messages  posted  on  i-hacked.com  helped miscreants reprogram a
portable electric highway sign in Carmel to say, "RAPTORS AHEAD
- CAUTION!"   A sign in Austin, Texas, said "ZOMBIES IN AREA!
RUN!"   In Lubbock it was "OMG THE BRITISH R COMING!"  In
St.  Louis,  Missouri,  it  was  "DAILY LANE CLOSURES DUE TO
ZOMBIES."
                         [courtesy National Public Radio, Indianapolis Star]

The state's attorney general sued the town of Portsmouth, Ohio,
in federal court to get back the rock that was taken from the O-
hio River.
                                                                          [courtesy AP]

"I always wanted to be a superstar, and now I'm a superstar."
                                                                                                – Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes

"It was worser than Janet Jackson."
                                                          – various  media  critics  regarding the Super Bowl
                                                             performances of Faith Hill. Jennifer Hudson and
                                                             Kurt Warner (where were Ray Charles, Jose Feli-
                                                             ciano and Otto Graham when we needed them?)

"There is no leash law for snakes."
                                                        – Police Sgt. Kurt Hixenbaugh, of San Luis Obispo, California,
                                                           explaining why no citation was issued to a resident who let a
                                                           23-foot, 130-pound python escape and roam the neigborhood

"One day a peacock, the next day a feather duster."
                                                                                – Patrick J. Quinn, new governor of Illinois

Mamie Van Doren, 78
Wilma Lee Cooper, 88
Zsa Zsa Gabor, 92
Fabian, 66

Coca-Cola said it will remove "classic" from its brand. . . .
The British Medical Journal acknowledged  that there is no
such thing  as  "cello  scrotum,"  a syndrome it reported 34
years ago. . . . A cable channel in Tucscon, Arizona,  inter-
rupted the Super Bowl with pornography  when the Cardi-
nals scored their last touchdown. . . . Wisconsin's Supreme
Court held that cheerleading is a contact sport. . . . An Aus-
tralian returning from Dubai was caught with two pigeons in
his pants,  eggs in a vitamin container,  seeds  in  his  money
belt,  and an undeclared eggplant. .  .  . Two Germans were
arrested for changing their clothes in an airport lobby at Sal-
vador, Brazil  (they said said they thought it was "normal" to
change clothes like that in Brazil,  especially in a beach city).
 . . . Ty Girlz renamed its Malia and Sasha dolls Mariah and
Sydney, respectively.  .  .  . The Southern California woman
who had octuplets is single and unemployed and had six em-
bryos  implanted  for  her  pregnancy.  .  .  . Julie and Hillary
Goodridge,  pioneer lesbian wife and wife in Massachusetts,
filed for divorce.
                                        [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

A bride was beaten up at her reception in Hebron by her sister who
wasn't invited to the wedding (she lost veritable clumps of hair). . . .

A 300-pound  bell  was stolen from the memorial marking the site of
the former Union Mills High School in LaPorte County.  Snowmobile
tracks led to and from the scene of the crime.

                                                             [courtesy Associated Press]

An ice storm knocked out electric power to half a million homes and
businesses.  Some  were  told not to expect restoration  before  mid-
February.

                                                                                                                           [Tabloid Headlines photos]

"The only thing former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich
  is guilty of is impersonating an Elvis impersonator."
                                                                                             – John M. Greer

"I enjoy acting, and I really like sex."
                                                            – Kelli McCarty, Miss USA 1991 (see weekly bonus,  below)

Sarah McLachlan, 41
Bridget Fonda, 45
Bob Uecker, 74

A 14-year-old boy in Chicago put on a uniform, walked into a
police station, and got an assignment in a patrol car. .  .  . Two
Chinamen were sentenced to death for their roles in the tainted
milk scandal  (but the inventor of the  childproof  medicine  cap
was allowed a  natural  death).  . . .  Mexican billionaire Carlos
Slim bought 17 per cent of the New York Times. . . .The 1991
Miss USA, Kelli McCarty,  is starring in the film From Beauty
Queen to Porn Queen. . . .  Sam Adams,  mayor of  Portland,
Oregon, admitted having sex with Beau Breedlove, but said the
boy had already turned 18 when it happened. . . . Drum Major
John  Coleman  was suspended from the Cleveland Firefighters
Memorial Pipes & Drums Corps for nodding and waving to the
President in the inaugural parade. . . .The St. Lucie County fire-
fighter  who took a severed foot from an I-95 crash scene  last
year  has been charged with theft (she said she needed the foot
to train her cadaver-sniffing dog). . . .  Police took hundreds of
wild dogs and cats, living and dead,  from a man's mobile home
in Temecula, California. . . . A woman gave birth to a litter of 8
in Bellflower, California. .  .  . The judge declared a mistrial in a
kidnapping and robbery case in San Diego  after  the defendant
smeared human feces on his public defender's face and hair and
threw some at the jury. . . .A man in Victorville, California, took
a knife to his former lover  to remove the breast implants he had
paid for. . . .Birmingham, England's second-largest city, decided
to drop apostrophes from all street signs,saying they're confusing
and old-fashioned  (the Queen's English has become the Queens
English).
                                              [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]