B. Richards wrote Sun 19 Jul 2009 @08:55:44 CDT:

Trying to enjoy my Sunday breakfast but it is very
difficult without my Tabloid news!!!  Please hurry.

A passenger on a flight from Phoenix was stung by a scorpion as he
went through his carry-on luuggage while landing in Indianapolis. . . .

A teen-ager was jailed for stealing a champion mini-lop bunny at the
Madison County Fair.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

The new Miss Kentucky, Mallory Ervin, was teaming up with the state
Department of Agriculture in a campaign against tobacco use.

                                                                [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"Half a mouse is better than one."
                                                        – Bombaj the Cat

Yusuf Islam, 61
Larry Craig, 64
Mikulski, 73
J-Lo, 40
Lynda Carter, 58
Katie Rabbet, 49

An armless man was arrested for driving a motor scooter arm-
less in Jimo, China (he had special equipment that made it pos-
ble – "Seemed armless to me,"  commented Eric Shackle,  our
contributor). . . . The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile crashed into
a house in Mount Pleasant,Wisconsin. . . . A 31-year-old man
was arrested for breaking into a fitness clinic in Duluth, Minne-
sota, and slashing inflatable rubber exercise balls, which he ad-
mitted gave him a sexual thrill.  . . . Pope Benedict slipped and
fell in the bathroom of his vacation chalet in the Alps and broke
his wrist. . . . Harry and Pepper,  the San Francisco Zoo's gay
penguins,  broke  up  after Harry was seduced by Linda,  a re-
cently widowed female penguin. . . . The maker of EATR, a bi-
omass-consuming  military robot,  issued a press release saying
the device is a vegetarian. . . . Divers at San Diego were attack-
ed by giant flying squid.  .  .  . A British man was arrested in Hil-
desheim, Germany,  for selling potatoes as I-Pods (they were in
bags: "pig in a poke," you know). . . . Kelly Katrina Hildebrandt,
of Miami, Florida, and Kelly Carl Hildebrandt, of Lubbock, Tex-
as, who met on Facebook, announced their engagement. . . .  E-
vangelist  Tony  Alamo  was  convicted of marrying and diddling
five little girls,  as young as 8.  .  .  .  Police freed 110 chihuahuas
from a home in Dearborn,  Michigan,  and found  the  bodies  of
150 more in freezers. .  .  . Angry French workers were commit-
ting "bossnappings."

                          [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

• He STARVED himself to death
• Body riddled with NEEDLE marks
• He was BALD!
  

Brown clumps were clogging the White River.

                                                  [courtesy Associated Press]

Senator  Jim  Bunning,  Hall of Fame ex-pitcher for the Detroit
Tigers and Phladelphia Phillies who still sells autographed base-
balls for $35 apiece,  refused to sign the cast of a Congression-
al Quarterly reporter who has a broken arm. . . .

Rep. John Yarmuth of Louisville  walked out on a Congression-
al moment of silence for Michael Jackson.

                                                     [courtesy Courier-Journal]

A Chihuahua ran off into the woods in Clay County with a huge
barbecue fork implanted in his head but emerged two days later
for rescue at a veterinary hospital.

                                              [courtesy Cable Network News]

DINER with Jumbo Shrimp Egg Roll $8.95

                                    [wall menu, the Great Wall carry-out
                                      Chinese restaurant, Bowling Green]

"Michael Jackson was no Elvis Presley."
                                                                – Hope McCorkle
                                                                – Paul Routledge (or his anonymous copy editor at the Mirror)
                                                                – Bobby Shufelt

                                                                    [This quotation has been attributed also to  Lisa  Marie  Presley,
                                                                      but Tabloid Headlines has been unable to verify that she said it]

Harrison Ford, 67
Roger McGuinn, 67
Gale Garnett, 67

Only about a thousand people  participated in the annual Am-
trak mooning in Laguna Niguel, California. . . . Britney Spears
was hearing voices and looking for unicorns. . . . A man in Or-
lando, Florida, asked his fifth grade son to help him dispose of
the body of a prostitute he had killed. . . . Five men were kick-
ed out of Chico's Tacos in El Paso,Texas, for "faggot stuff.". . .
The president of a private swimming club  in  Philadelphia  said
there was concern that recently admitted  black  children,  who
were  kicked  out,  "would  change  the  complexion . . . of  the
club." . . . A Slim Jim shortgage was forecast after an explosion
at a jerky factory  in  Garner,  North  Carolina,  that killed three
workers. . . . A teen-age girl fell into a manhole while texting on
Staten Island. . . . A London cabdriver decapitated himself with
a rope around his neck tied to a post as he drove off. .  .  . A 3-
year-old boy drove  his  battery-powered  truck  into the Peace
River in British Columbia, Canada,  and floated 7½ miles down-
stream before being rescued by a boater. . . .Melissa Block and
Me-Shell Norris were dumped from National Public Radio's All
Things Considererd. . . .  A man who swiped his Visa debit card
for a pack of cigarettes at a store  in  Manchester,  New  Hamp-
shire, got a bill for $23,148,855,308,184,500.23 (that's 23 qua-
drillion and change, including overdraft fee). . . . A dozen women
were arrested for wearing pants in Khartoum  (some  were  flog-
ged). . . . Michael Jackson was buried without his brain.

                [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP, NPR]

DISCUSSION GROUP:       Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns- ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers lined up for meetings in the near future include the dogs of Nation- al Public Radio -- Lisa Autry, Audie Cornish, and Tracy Samilton. Click  this  mp3  to hear public "reddio's" Lisa Autry speak with a "perfessor" about the "veh-otes," the "Dimicrats," and the "Sinit."

• Celos
• Odio
• Venganza
  

Terry Crow wrote Sun 5 Jul 2009 @10:03:45 PDT:

The item about wallabies getting high lends a whole new
meaning to "Tie Me Kangaroo Down!"

A judge in Greene County had to rule in a custody battle over a
couple's dead 11-year-old son.  The mother wanted him buried
beside his best friend, who died from the same fire, and the fath-
er wanted him cremated and divided (if you must know how the
judge ruled, here's a link). . . .

A motorist who drove through a flock of feeding fowl in a Lafay-
ette park, killing ten ducks and a goose, was convicted by a jury
of murdering migratory birds, and drew 60 days in jail. . . .

Twenty-two unmanned railroad cars full of potash barreled down
the line near Sullivan before crashing into a barrier and derailing at
the bottom (tampering was suspected). . . .

An unmanned fire truck ran over two pedestrians and into an occu-
pied parked car at a July 4 fireworks celebration at Lake Santee in
Decatur County.
                                                         [courtesy Associated Press]

Amish factory workers in and around Shipshewana said life had im-
proved since they were laid off.  Freeman Miller now makes wood-
den caskets for pets, by hand.
                                                      [courtesy Wall Street Journal]

Churchill Downs had such a boffo turnout for its first racing bill after
dark that it is considering holding the Kentucky Derby at  night  next
year.
                                             [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal
                                               (next thing you know, they'll put lights
                                                up at Chicago's Wrigley Field – Ed.)]

The Lexington Tree Board removed the ash from trees approved for
planting because the emerald ash borer has been found in seven cen-
tral Kentucky counties. . . .

A prisoner sent letters purporting to contain anthrax to dozens of fed-
eral officials, including four Kentucky congressmen.
                                                                                   [courtesy AP]

"Don't fucking touch me!"
                                          – Debbie Rowe, mother of Michael Jackson's children, to paparazzi

Tzipi Livni, 51
Shelley Duvall, 60

An Alaskan woman dialed 911 for help with her fucking cows
on the loose  [transcript]. . . . An Elk Grove, California, grade
school teacher sent her pupils home for the summer with a vid-
eo of class memories that included six seconds of her engaging
in sex on a couch.  .  .  . Pants without pockets were issued to
personnel at the Kathmandu airport to discourage bribery.  . . .
Glasgow repealed its 30-year ban on  the  Monty  Python  film
Life of Brian. . .  . Michael Jackson's dermatologist refused to
deny that he is the father of Jackson's children. .  .  .  Residents
voted nearly unanimously to prohibit the sale of bottled water in
Bundanoon, Australia. . . .A Nevada motorist won a three-year
court battle to keep his "HOE" license plate on his 1999 Chevy
Tahoe. . . .Pamplona's running of the bulls recorded its first (hu-
man) death in 15 years. . . . Britney Spears was seen wearing a
Star of David, and was said to be considering converting to Ju-
daism (WWBD). . . .The victim of a counterfeit crack purchase
in Clearwater,  Florida,  called police to report she was robbed
(everyone's in jail, now). .  .  . A worker died in a vat of choco-
late at a factory in Camden, New Jersey.  .  .  . A study conclu-
ded that perceived signs of guilt in dogs may just be reactions to
cues from their owners: "The most guilty look," Barnard College
Professor Alexandra Horowitz said, "was when the owner scol-
ded an innocent dog."

                        [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

• Gayle is more than a friend – MUCH MORE!
• Stedman will leave if he discovers the truth
• Eating binges getting worse – a whole cake & fried chicken
  

Len wrote Sun 28 Jun 2009 @09:03:55 EDT:

Michael who?  Do you mean the "King of Pedophiles"?

Gee, we dunno.  Did he ever grow up?  Is it still pedophilia
when committed by a child?

They have a chart for these things in the rape and sodomy
statutes, but it seems to discriminate by age.  – Ed.

A pink tropical bird resembling a flamingo, but smaller, has been
observed in Greene County, in western Indiana. . . .

Former State Rep. Dennie Oxley II, who lost last year's election
for  lieutenant  governor  and  did not run  for  re-election  to the
House of Representatives, claimed legislative immunity when ar-
rested for public intoxication last week at an  Indianapolis  gaso-
line station. . . .

Two women running a puppy mill in Mauckport were charged with
tax evasion.
                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

A 19-year-old nurse's aide in Dawson Springs was indicted for video
voyeurism and abuse for making a movie  of  a  naked  nursing  home
resident on her cell phone.
                                                                                  [courtesy AP]

A masked burglar shot to death by a homeowner  in Louisville  turned
out to be the homeowner's grandson. . . .

Bullitt County lost  $415,000  in an internet banking scam perpetrated
by a hacker in the Ukraine. . . .

The University of the Cumberlands, a Baptist college in Williamsburg,
rescinded  an  invitation  to a youth group from the Broadway Baptist
Church in Fort Worth, Texas,  to help its students build homes for the
poor when it learned that the Texas church had been kicked out of the
Southern Baptist Convention for failing to condemn homosexuals. . . .

PETA sought permission to display a 5½-foot-tall statue of a wounded
chicken on crutches in downtown Louisville as a protest against KFC.

                                                                [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"Sheep go to Heaven; goats go to Hell."
                                                                 – Cake

Gina Lollobrigida, 82
Eva Marie Saint, 85
Abigail Van Buren, 91
Lena Horne, 92
Olivia de Havilland, 93
Georgi Parvanov, 52

A man trying to run his wife down in a dump truck near Port-
land, Maine, crashed into a thicket. . . . Michael Jackson was
survived by two sons,  Michael,  12,  and Michael,  7,  and a
daughter,  Michael,  11. . . . A burglar in Suffolk, Virginia, ac-
cidentally  photographed  himself  trying to make a call on the
victim's cell phone, which he left behind. .  .  .  A McDonald's
customer in Clackamas, Oregon, was arrested for calling 911
to complain that his order was not filled  (you can listen to the
call). . . . A 20-year-old Jacksonsville Floridian dialed 911 to
report he was sick on marijuana,  and  again  hours later for a
police escort to a rap concert  (here's a transcript).  . . . Colo-
rado legalized salvaging rainwater.  . . . Wallabies were getting
high on poppies in Tasmania. . . . A Chattanooga Tennesseean
was charged with sexual exploitation for Photoshopping the fa-
ces of two local girls and Miley Cyrus  onto the bodies of nude
women. . . . An 8-foot pet python in Oxford, Florida, strangled
a 2-year-old girl in her bedroom.  .  .  . Six children were found
locked in a tool shed at an unlicensed day care center  in Sealy,
Texas. . . . A 16-year-old girl in Torrington, Connecticut, over-
heard her mother screaming and being slapped during sex, con-
cluded  that  she was being assaulted,  and rounded up three of
her friends to help her beat her mother's lover to a pulp.  .   .   .
President Morales of Bolivia  called President Obama of the U-
nited States a liar.  . . . Whites were reported fleeing MySpace-
.com for Facebook.com.  . . . Cosmetic nipple surgery became
the rage in England.

                        [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]