• Blackouts
• Blinding headaches
• Shortness of breath                                                                                       
  

A 16-year-old hunter who accidentally shot himself in the shoulder
in Crawford County told hospital personnel he was the victim of a
drive-by shooting.
                                                       [courtesy Associated Press]

Kentucky ranked first among the states in child abuse deaths (South
Dakota was a close second; Indiana finished eighth). . . .

Coyotes on the playground at Villa Hills, near the Greater Cincinnati
Airport, send schoolchildren indoors for recess. . . .

An amublance rushing a woman to a hospital collided with a cow  in
Adair County.
                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

"Oh, them bases on balls!"
                                            – Frankie  Frisch,  third  baseman  and
                                               player-manager of the St. Louis Cardinals

" . . . and them hit by pitches."
                                                   – Joe Torre, Los Angeles Dodgers manager (more recently)

Chuck Berry, 83
José Padilla, 39
Amy Carter, 42

The director of The Simpsons was considering sending Bart on
a wild helium balloon ride for the TV show's  20th  anniversary
episode. . . . A spot in northwestern South Dakota midway be-
tween the towns of Meadow, in Perkins County, and Glad Val-
ley, in Ziebach County, was identified by an artist as the farthest
place from a McDonald's in the 48 contiguous States:  the "Mc-
Farthest  Point"  (you won't find  either  hamlet  in the Rand Mc-
Nally Road Atlas). . . .  A Baptist Church in Canton, North Ca-
rolina, planned to burn post - King James versions of  the  Bible
on Halloween. .  .  . Filets of chicken breasts were being sold as
"boneless  wings"  in sports bars from  Sarasota  to  Seattle. . . .
Bodies  of bunnies  culled from parks in Stockholm were  being
burned for fuel in a heating plant.  . . . Gang warfare in a slum of
Rio de Janeiro  only five miles from a 2016 Olympics venue  left
21 dead.

         [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC, AP]

Len wrote Sun 11 Oct 2009 @11:08:04 EDT:

Add to the list of  "most  annoying  expressions"
the much-loathed "agree to disagree" nonsense. 

A collision with a drunk driver slammed a police car into a church
in Indianapolis (and the congregation, praying inside, went, "Oh!").

                                                       [courtesy Associated Press]

Drive-by flu shots were offered at Papa John's Stadium and Slugger
field in Louisville.
                                           [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"I am absolutely the politician most persecuted by prosecutors in the entire
 history of the world throughout the ages."
                                                                                 – Silvio Berlusconi


"You guys said we did this for the show."
                                                                – Falcon Heene,  6,  who was hiding in the attic of the
                                                                   family garage (and was not on a flying saucer balloon)

Why do we give a shit (or not), but take a piss?

An Afghan girl was killed  by an information box dropped from
a British airplane. . . .The United States bombed the moon. . . .
Government ministers in the Maldives, which will be uninhabita-
ble by 2100 from rising sea levels, were taking SCUBA lessons
and practicing hand signals in order to hold cabinet meetings un-
der water. .  .  . Scientists announced a cocaine vaccine that will
keep users from getting high. . . . The report that Mahmoud Ah-
madinejad was Jewish by birth was discounted by the Guardian.
.  .  .  A flock of sheep burst into flames and was incinerated  by
the explosion of an underground methane leak in Jordan. . . . An
evicted passenger mooning a departing train got his pants caught
in the carriage door and was dragged onto the tracks  in  Lauen-
brueck, Germany. . . . A robber who dropped his wallet phoned
the victim to ask him  to  return  it  (and now he's in jail,  in  Little
Rock, Arkansas). . . . A penniless woman being driven around in
a limousine and posing as a lottery winner triggered a riot at a clo-
thing store in Columbus,  Ohio,  by offering to pay for everyone's
purchase. . . . A 7-year-old boy playing football in a back yard in
Wintersville, Ohio, was tackled by a deer. . . . A woman was but-
ted by a wild deer she was trying to pet in Teller County,  Colora-
do.  . . .  A family found a dead deer dressed in a  clown suit  and
wig on their front porch in Sioux City, Iowa. . . . A dead man mis-
taken by neighbors for a Halloween decoration  sat on his balcony
for three days in Marina del Rey,  California. .  .  .  A 45-year-old
woman lived for a week with her dead lover  in Big Sandy,  Texas.
.  .  .  A man was found sleeping with his dead friend in a closet  in
Houston,Texas. . . . Pigs caught the flu from children at the Minne-
sota State Fair. .  .  . Cesar Lopez was looking for his lid inside his
cap at a convience store in Lebanon, Pennsylvania, but it was plas-
tered to his forehead  (and  noticed  by a policeman,  who arrested
him).
                            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

Edwin Kagin, an internationally known lawyer, wrote Sat 3 Oct 2009 @19:05:45 EDT
about the man charged with rape for crawling into bed with his friend's girl friend:

Seems to me that this is quite defendable.  She willingly had sex with whoever he
was, didn’t she?

Who pissed on your banjo?

Good question, and an even better choice of instruments in which to couch it.  As it hap-
pened, we attended the annual "International Festival" in Bowling Green, Kentucky.  On
stage was an "Irish" band,  consisting of guitar, banjo, and electric bass,  with the guy on
banjo doing the vocals on traditional Irish tunes.  But all you could hear was the bass.

                                                                                                                       – Editor

A pickup truck struck an animal control officer who was trying to catch a
dog running loose on I-65 near Columbus.
                                                                  [courtesy Associated Press]

"If they have Obama, we have Pele."
                                                           – Pele

Putting one little word after another, and don't you think that the "wild
card" slot in the major league sports playoffs should go not to the sec-
ond place team with the best record,  but  to  the  team that missed its
division championship  by the narrowest margin?   That  would  mean,
for example, that in baseball's American League, the Boston Red Sox
would be out (they trailed the champion New York Yankees by eight
games in their division)  and the Detroit Tigers would be  in  (they lost
their division by only one game and it took a "pre"-playoff game to de-
termine that – they tied with the Minnesota Twins for the championship
in regular season play).

Or maybe we should just go back to the 1950's, when they did it right:
The team that won the most games in the league won the pennant, and
went to the World Series.   Two of this year's "second place" teams –
the Red Sox and the Texas Rangers –  each won more games than ei-
ther the Tigers or the Twins in the regular season. . . .


Why have  "health care providers"  been selected as first recipients of the
swine flu vaccine?  If the vaccine were for salmonella, wouldn't food pro-
viders get it first?  If it were for syphilis, wouldn't it go first to prostitutes?
For swine flu, why not to pig farmers and hog jackers?

                                                   – your humble and concerned Editor

Sigourney Weaver, 60
Sarah Fisher, 29

A Marist poll reported on National Public Radio's All Things
Considered found that the  interjection  "Whatever"  was  the
most  annoying  expression  to Americans –  but only among
a choice of five.  "Whatever" drew 47 per cent; "You know,"
25 per cent;  "It is what it is,"  11 per cent;  "Anyway,"  7 per
cent,  and "At the end of the day," 2 per cent  (for the remain-
ing 8 per cent,  we guess it was, like, whatever . . . ).  "What-
ever"  was Tabloid Headlines'  buzz  word  that needed a nap
August 2;  and  our consultant Buzzword Smith  used  "At the
end of the day" in a sentence in the same issue.

An Alabama woman was arrested for having her 13-year-old
daughter ride in a cardboard box atop her minivan  on a state
highway – she explained that the box was too big to go inside
the van and her daughter was in the box to hold it down. ... A
student threw a shoe at an International Monetary Fund direc-
tor in Istanbul. . . . The last survivor of the Silhouettes {"Get a
Job!") died. . . . Mahmoud Ahmadinejad inadvertently reveal-
ed that his original, Jewish surname is Sabourjian. .  .  . A wo-
man placed a forged $50 check in the  collection  plate  at the
First Presbyterian Church in New Brighton,Pennsylvania, and
stole a wallet from a woman in the next pew. . . .Tom DeLay
quit Dancing with the Stars with stress fractures in both feet....
An  alligator  took off the arm of a golfer reaching into a pond
to retrieve his ball in Beaufort, South Carolina. . . . Levi John-
ston will appear nude in a forthcoming issue of Playgirl.

                    [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

• Obama will order ALL our troops back home!
• Hillary will announce final split with cheating Bill
• Fatima angel will reveal God's new plan for peace
  

Len wrote Sun 27 Sep 2009 @12:49:43 EDT re the "Holy Roller"
in Erie County, Ohio:

Did he roll the joint in a page from the Book of  Numbers?
Or maybe from Doobieteronomy . . . .

Jethroe Scriabin wrote Sun 27 Sep 2009 @20:19:01 CDT:

The kid may have had a Revelation; but he should have made
an Exodus,  and now he has to deal with  Judges.   Mark  my
Word, John, now he's going to get his Peter slapped.  For his
Acts.

cesium133@newwavecomm.net wrote Mon 28 Sep 2009 @10:55:43 EDT
re the census worker lynched in Kentucky with "Fed" scrawled on his chest :

The above item gets the "So What's Your Point?" note in red pen from
the teacher.

Do you think that taking a census of a pot field should count as hazard-
ous duty?  Would ACORN volunteer for that?  More power to them!

An emergency medical technician in Jeffersonsville was charged with
murder for unsuccessfully treating his 24-year-old wife himself  for a
seizure  instead of taking her to a doctor or a hospital  (his treatment
included the drugs hydrocodone and Phenergan).

                                           [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Indianapolis ranks among the  top  five  cities in the United States for
dog fighting,  according to the Louisville Courier-Journal and WRTV
(Channel 6) in Indianpolis  (we found no authoritative confirmation).

Kentucky State University,  in Frankfort,  previously the state's uni-
versity for Negroes and still 60 per cent black, elected its first white
homecoming queen.
                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

A man in Louisville was charged with rape for crawling into a friend's
bed and having sex with the friend's girl friend,  who  did  not  realize
who was in bed with her.
                                                            [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"What business is it of yours to tell us what to do or not?"
                                                                                       – Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, to the United Nations


"You are the ones who burned the Jews, not us."
                                                                               – Moammar Gadhafi, to the United Nations


Tabloid Headlines quiz contest  (for a free subscription,
to the first subscriber to answer the question correctly):

        Which of the two Muslim leaders quoted above does not deny the Holocaust?

Who in the outdoor music production business decided
that the audience wanted to hear nothing but the bass?

Brigitte Bardot, 75
Johnny Mathis, 74
Jimmy Carter, 85

Pittsburgh freed 300 prisoners to make cells available for G-20
protesters, but wound up arresting only 149. . . .  A $1,000 re-
ward was offered in Philadelphia  for the conviction of whoever
wrapped an entire cat in duct tape. . . . Marilyn Manson reveal-
ed he had swine flu but denied he had had sex with a pig. . . . A
streak of light in the night sky was said by  NASA  to be a fort-
night's astronaut urine. . . . Jon Gosselin was fired from the TLC
TV reality series Jon & Kate + 8,  which now will be called just
Kate + 8. . . . A Michigan woman who watched children for an
hour each morning until they caught their school bus – just  as  a
favor to her neighbors - was accused of operating an unlicensed
day care center. .  .  . A van carrying bee hives was in a two-ve-
hicle crash in Marmaris, Turkey, that sent 20 persons to the hos-
pital – including rescue workers stung by bees (one person died,
but the cause of death was not disclosed). . . . A woman in Pas-
adena,  Texas,  whose  former boy friend took back the jewelry
he had given her,  took seven goldfish from his apartment  – and
fried them up and ate them. . . .Newt Gingrich's American Solu-
tions for Winning the Future gave its Entrepreneur of the Year a-
ward to a topless club in Texas. . . . An automated call to homes
of absent  students went out to the homes of all 475 pupils  at the
middle school in Martin, Tennessee  (there were more than a few
concerned parrents). . . . Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds died. .. .
An autopsy found Michael Jackson generally healthy.

                           [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

OSAMA BIN LADEN
OBAMA SIN LADEN
OLAMA SAN BIDEN

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett