January 31, 2010:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Startling new autopsy proof
 Michael is alive
         Following Elvis' footsteps
         – hiding out in Las Vegas

                                          [courtesy the Sun - Weekly World News]


Animal-in-Chief
  Obama's drunken White House parties!

                                                                                                           [courtesy the Globe]


Garth & Trisha ADDICTED TO FOOD!

                                                                                                 [courtesy the Globe]


KIRSTIE'S

                                                                            [courtesy National Enquirer]


Cosmonaut has baby conceived in space
        – and it may not be human!

                                                                                      [courtesy the Sun - Weekly World News]


New phone app tells why baby cries

                                                                                                          [courtesy the Sun]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Tony Dean wrote Sun 24 Jan 2010 @14:52:05 CST re last week's item about
a proposal to prohibit importation of Burmese pythons and other large snakes:
This is not surprising.  The February issue of Scientific American says
that pythons,  originally imported as pets,  are replacing alligators in the
Evererglades as the dominant predator.

Yes.  Tabloid Headlines and Interior Secretary Ken Salazar thank you  and  the
Scientific American for the validation.

That item was inserted in last week's  "Borf's  weekly  bonus"  partly to reassure
our Florida reader Connie Harbeson, whose letter of concern about the invasive
Burmese pythons was published in our January 10 issue.

The "weekly bonus," by the way,  is not intended as a "Dumb news from all over"
section equivalent to "Dumb news from Indiana" or "Dumb news from Kentucky."
Nothing is dumber than dumb news from Indiana, and Kentucky tries harder.  It's
true that many of the items in the "weekly bonus" are dumb, especially those from
Florida and California; but some are merely ironic or funny.   In our view the only
dumb thing about the python/constrictor/anaconda item was the pythons,  not  the
Interior Department.

And, we try never to miss a good snake story in the "weekly bonus."  Thanks for
writing.
                                                                                                     – The Editor

Dumb news from Indiana:
A 43-year-old baby-sitter in Muncie was out running errands when a
4-month-old boy in her care died in her home  –  and he was the sec-
ond child to die in her home in 11 weeks. . . .

The state House of Representatives passed a bill to prohibit employers
from prohibiting employees from bringing guns to work.

                                                               [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
An 8-month-old boy in Jeffersontown drowned in the bathtub his moth-
er left him in. . . .

A federal mine safety inspector posted "Hang a tree hugger today" on a
coal group's Facebook site.
                                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Quotation of the week:
"You're facilitating the problem:  If you give an animal
  or a person ample food supply, they will reproduce."
                                                                                   – Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer of South
                                                                                      Carolina, speaking out on government giveaways

Birthdays:
"Johnny Rotten" Lydon, 53
Nolan Ryan, 63
Philip Glass, 73
Ernie Banks, 79
Carol Channing, 89

Buzz words that need a nap:  (Dangling Participle Dept.):  "That said . . . "


Borf's weekly BONUS:
Faith Comes by Hearing,  of New Mexico,  sent 600 solar-pow-
ered Creole audio Bibles to Haiti. . . . A 42-year-old man in Tai-
wan died after watching Avatar, in 3-D. . . . A British health club
warned "fatties" they would be the first to be eaten by aliens.  . . .
Chicago teen-ager Lauren McClusky's petition to call her Special
Olympics fund-raiser McFest was challenged by McDonald's. . . .
A mortician in Katowice, Poland,  opened a coffin to retrieve per-
sonal effects for family members and found a 76-year-old man in-
side still alive. . . .  A family celebrating a 14-year-old son's birth-
day at a Fairfield Inn in Livonia,  Michigan,  were surprised by an
18-inch snake  at poolside  (which had been seen by guests twice
before). . . . A teacher and her aide in Milford,  Ohio,  braided an
11-year-old boy's  long  hair  and got other pupils to call him girls'
names. . . .  Two groups of teen-age girls engaged in an argument
on Facebook met outside a Philadelphia high school for  a  brawl,
in which two young men and a girl were shot. . . .  An auto mech-
anic in Sanibel, Florida,  flipped and totaled a customer's Porsche
taking it for a test drive at 164 miles an hour. .  .  . Southern Cali-
fornia's  "Geezer  Bandit"  robbed his sixth bank in six months,  in
San Diego.














  
[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Bette Siverling"
        titled "Greetings from Bette Siverling."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include  Lisa  Schlein  and
Barbara Klein.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett





Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187          Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 24, 2010:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:


KIRSTIE GOES BERSERK!
                    Meltdown over her weight

                                                         [courtesy National Enquirer]


Lose weight instantly with the
EXPLODING STOMACH DIET
                                                                                        [courtesy the Sun - Weekly World News]


Tiger begs wife 'Take me back'
as he's treated for sex addiction

                                                                   [courtesy the Globe]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Ted Fiskevold wrote Weds 20 Jan 2010 @17:26:34 CST:
The  "Gay-rod"  English pronunciation of  "Garrard"  does not surprise
me.    I knew a Maggie May in England who had an Audi and a Lotus
Elan parked in her "gay-rodge" – I didn't realize she was talking about
her garage until about the fourth time she said it.

Dumb news from Indiana:
An Indianapolis policeman ran over  a  pedestrian  who  had  already
been run over (the pedestrian died). . . .

The legislature is in session.  A pending bill would prohibit the promo-
tion of third-graders who can't read.

                                                             [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A man on trial for burglary in London, in eastern Kentucky, went to the
bathroom and didn't come back. . . .

A 17-year-old orthodox Jew flying from New York to visit  his  grand-
mother in Louisville
alarmed the flight crew with a tefillin prayer and the
airliner
was diverted to Philadelphia, where antiterrorist agents boarded
the plane with guns drawn. . . .

The legislature is in session. 

                                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Quotation of the week:
"HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS – KEEP TEXTING IF YOU WANT TO MEET HIM"

                                                                                – bumper sticker for sale on e-Bay

Sobering thought of the week:
Putting one little word after another, and, what region of Pakistan
is not "tribal"?

Birthdays:
Mary Lou Retton, 42
Nastassja Kinski, 50 (or 49, or 51; depends on your data base)

Buzz words that need a nap:  (Dangling Participle Dept.):  "That being said"


Borf's weekly BONUS:
Alfredo and Ana Cruz, of South Ocala, Florida,  named their
two-assed chicken J-Lo. . . .Weapons inspector Scott Ritter
was charged with masturbating on a webcam for a police of-
ficer posing as a 15-year-old girl. . . . Austrian scientists sus-
pended an experiment of burying live pigs in snow and moni-
toring their deaths. . . . An Australian study found that watch-
ing 4 hours of television a day raises the risk of fatal heart dis-
ease by 80 per cent. . . . A west Pennsylvania man was fined
$50 for writing "I suck" with his finger in the dust on a boating
officer's truck. . . . A Pittsburgh school bus driver was arrest-
ed for DUI on a field trip.  .  .  .  A man shot himself in the leg
practicing quick draw in Cape Coral, Florida. . . . A 25-year-
old man tried to commit suicide in Buffalo, New York,  by ta-
king a bath with a clock radio, electric clippers,  a curling iron
and a clothes iron.  . . .  A mother in Warm Springs,  Georgia,
was jailed  for making her 12-year-old son kill his pet hamster
with a hammer when he brought bad grades home.  .  .  .  The
purple-clad artist formerly  and  once  again  known as Prince
penned a new fight anthem  for the purple-clad Minnesota Vi-
kings,  once and once again contenders for the National Foot-
ball League's Super Bowl.  . . . Interior Secretary Ken Salazar
proposed prohibiting the importation of Burmese pythons, boa
constrictors, four species of anaconda, and three other species
of python.
[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP, TedF]


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Fred Pryor Seminars"
        titled "How to Supervise People."
                                                                [What would someone named Fred
                                                                  know about supervision?  – Ed.
]


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Martha Coakley.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,  "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines – or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett





Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187          Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 17, 2010:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Hillary escapes assassin
        Man gunned down by cops in Nairobi

                                                                                [courtesy the Globe]


Al Qaeda bomb misses by minutes
 Terrorist plot to kill Clinton
                                  
(Bill, that is)

                                                                                      [courtesy National Examiner]


Michelle Obama runs
off with Tiger Woods
       Laura Bush seen lip-locking Elin

                                                                   [courtesy Strange Times]


Young Hollywood out of control
  
WHO'LL DIE NEXT?
           Lindsay Lohan breaks down
              as drugs kill another pal

        . Dead:  Casey Johnson
        . Dead:  Brittany Murphy
        . In danger:  Paris Hilton
                               Kirsten Dunst
                               Britney Spears
                               Eminem
                                                               [courtesy the Globe]


John Edwards caught cheating AGAIN

                                                                                         [courtesy National Enquirer]


Britney headed back to psych ward

                                                                                     [courtesy National Enquirer]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Nolan Porterfield wrote Sun 10 Jan 2010 @11:10:38 CST  re  last week's
dumb news from Garrard County, Kentucky (actually re our admonishment
"Don't even try to pronounce 'Garrard' "):
I once owned a Garrard turntable – several of 'em,  as a matter of
fact.  A friend and I got into a discussion about whether it was pro-
nounced  "Grrr-ard"  or  "Jay-rard."    We took the matter to a Brit
friend  (Garrards were made in England),  and he said, "Oh,  I think
'Gay-rod' will do."
That at least informs the way they say it in Kentucky,  which is "Gared"  (it
rhymes with the masculine given name Jared).  – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana:
A carjacking victim stormed off the witness stand in Fort Wayne and
threatened to kill the defendant, who is accused of shooting her in the
stomach (the judge declared a mistrial). . . .

Notre Dame's student newspaper apologized for a cartoon supposed
to condemn violence against homosexuals that was perceived, in fact,
as anti-gay. . . .

Anderson's sole remaining high school  will  continue  to be known as
Anderson High School.
                                                             [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb obituaries from Indiana and Kentucky:
Franklin "Frank" Durham, 75
Thomas "Tom" Garbrough, 68
Jeffery W. "Jeff" Trowell, 39
James "Jimmy" Tucker, 66
Elizabeth "Liz" Hoffman Downey, 60
Amanda "Mandy" Stanley, 32
Gracie Sue "Susie" Johns, 56
Fran "Fran T" Thomas, 37
Mary Louise "Miss Mary" Zellich, 102
William "Bill" Gardner, 83
Charles E. "Chuck" Kellis, 72
Lawrence "Larry" Thomas, 65
William F. "Smitty" Smith, 90
Lewis P. "Bommer" Bommersbach, 67
Winford Raymond "W. R." Prindle, 80
James Thomas "J. T." Williams, 80

                                                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Quotations of the week:
"It's downstream from Goinbad."
                                                        – Jeanetta  Girard,  helping  us  locate  Gonabad,  the
                                                           remote town in
Iran to which a journalist was exiled

Birthdays:
Mary J. Bilge, 39
Jack Jones, 72

Buzz words that need a nap:  (Dangling Participle Dept.):  "Having said that"


Borf's weekly BONUS:
A 12-year-old boy robbed a store with a  wooden-barrel  toy
long gun in Walton County,  Florida. . . .  Jesus' face was seen
on a naan rogan josh at a curry house in Esher, England.  .  .  .
The image of Jesus was found in a sliced orange  in  Lockport,
New York. . . . An English artist created a replica of the Cruci-
fixion from 153 slices of burnt  toast. . . . Fox News' Brit Hume
said Tiger Woods should become a Christian. . . .A 4-year-old
boy in Taranto, Italy, dialed 911 (or whatever number they dial
in Italy) to give up his pacifiers. . . . An auto was repossessed in
San Jose, California, with the owner's 2-year-old son inside. . . .
A prostitute in Tampa, Florida, left her 3-month-old baby in the
car while she turned a trick.  . . .  A 33-year-old woman traded
her 2-year-old daughter for a gun in Mesa,  Arizona. . . . A 35-
year-old woman in Sitges, Spain,  was trapped for 8 days in an
elevator in her apartment building. . . .  A man was convicted of
raping his girl friend's pet rabbit in Massachusetts. ... A 66-year-
old man was mauled to death by his 666-pound pet tiger  in On-
tario. . . .  Denver schools recalled their Martin Luther King Day
lunch menu of chicken & biscuits, collard greens and peach crisp.
.  .  . Knoxville, Tennessee, residents forced a hearing on a neigh-
bor's plan to turn his home into a  music conseratory  and  Jewish
sperm bank. . . . A real-life Mrs. Robinson  was found married to
Northern Ireland's prime minister.  .  .  .  Child Abuse Watch and
Protect Our Children asked the National Football League  to  tell
theWho to leave Pete Townshend home when they perform at the
Super Bowl. . . . The  Beaver,  Canada's second oldest magazine,
changed its name to Canada's History to avert pornography filters
on line. .  .  . British bobbies were reprimanded for snow-sledding
on their shields (it was on YouTube). . . . A sixth-grader, 11 years
old, driving the family car in Fresno, California, with his mother, his
6-year-old sister,  and 34-year-old family friend Froylon Gonzalez
aboard, ran a stop sign and crashed into another vehicle, killing ev-
eryone except Gonzalez and the other motorist.

     [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "avko937j7@aim.com"
        titled "Have you heard about my bad day?"


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Froylon Gonzalez.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett





Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187          Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 10, 2010:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Obama marriage EXPLODES!
                                                                     [courtesy the Globe]


Tom Cruise's  kid  in
JonBenet bombshell
    Darling daughter Suri linked to tragic little beauty queen

                                                                                   [courtesy the Globe]


Reveals past lives
  Helen Reddy:  'I'm a psychic healer'

                                                                                   [courtesy National Examiner]


Pharmacist fights drugs

            [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal – that was the headline in print.  On line it was:]
                           Addicted pharmacist gets clean and tells the tale



LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Connie Harbeson wrote from Florida Sun 3 Jan 2010 @12:40:48 EST:
Re: "Burmese refugees migrating to Fort Wayne dropped from about 800
in 2007 to only 300 in 2009 . . . "     Please tell me that,  as they migrated,
they didn't smuggle in any of their invasive, deadly, predatory, invulnerable
goddamned pythons!  (our good gov deputized dozens of hunters to shoot
the things from the air, you know – they haven't bagged very many . . . the
things are everywhere).

And are we to deduce that your enduring vigorously fine health is due to the
outstanding  "practices"  of  the good doctor whose merry holiday card you
received?

We didn't get a card – that was his Christmas ad in the Local Astonisher.   He's  a
"dentist,"  not a "doctor";  and we have not attributed any recent good health to his
"practices." But his daughter (if that is the minx we see in the ad) seems to be quite
the tonic!  – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana:
In response to KFC's donation of $7,500 worth of fire extinguish-
ers and hydrants to Indianapolis and Brazil (Indiana) – with
Colo-
nel Sanders' face on them –
PETA offered $7,500 for ads on city
fire trucks
showing plucked and scalded chickens. . . .

A LaPorte County Superior Court judge was acquitted by a jury of
obstruction of justice  in reporting she accidentally shot herself in the
head after an argument with her husband.

                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:

More than 20 cell phone calls to 911  in Casey, Lincoln and Garrard
counties, in central Kentucky, were received by emergency dispatch-
ers in Edmonson County, a hundred miles to the southwest  and  in  a
different dialing code area.
                                                             [courtesy Edmonson News]

P.S.  Don't even try to pronounce "Garrard."  – Ed.


The chairman of the Environment Committee,  who just happens to be
an officer of a coal mining construction company,   introduced a reso-
lution in the State House of Representatives  to  prohibit  state and lo-
cal agencies' imposing limits on carbon dioxide emissions. . . .


A sexually abused 4-year-old boy murdered in Louisville was found to
have had a blood alcohol content over .21 per cent. . . .


Kyle Volp, 34,  and his wife, Loretta Volp, 35,  were arrested on char-
ges of robbing a dozen businesses in the Louisville area in December.


                                     [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal
]

The "Bowl Championship Series" reduced the field of unbeaten college football teams to two, who won't play each other.  Here are all the scores:
Air Force 47, Alabama 37, Arizona 0, Arkansas 20, Auburn 38, Boise State 17, Boston College 13, Bowling Green State (Ohio) 42, BYU 44, California 27, Central Michigan 44, Cincinnati 24, Clemson 21, Connecticut 20, East Carolina 17, Florida 51, Florida State 33, Fresno State 28, Georgia 44, Georgia Tech 14, Houston 20, Idaho 43, Iowa 24, Iowa State 14, Kentucky 13, LSU 17, Marshall 21, Miami 14, Michigan State 31, Middle Tennessee State 42, Minnesota 13, Mississippi 21, Missouri 13, Navy 35, Nebraska 33, Nevada 10, North Carolina 17, Northern Illinois 3, Northwestern 35, Ohio State 26, Ohio U. 17, Oklahoma 31, Okalahoma State 7, Oregon 17, Oregon State 20, Penn State 19, Pittsburgh 19, Rutgers 45, SMU 45, South Carolina 7, South Florida 27, Southern California 24, Southern Miss 32, Stanford 27, TCU 10, Temple 21, Tennessee 14, Texas 21, Texas A&M 20, Texas Tech 41, Troy 41, USC 24, UCLA 30, Utah 37, Virginia Tech 37, West Virginia 21, Wisconsin 20, Wyoming 35.
P.S.  We hope you caught, early in the telecast of the FedEx "Orange" Bowl, the presentation of:
        "The Merrill Lynch wealth management starting defense for the Iowa Hawkeyes."

Answers to bowl questions:

Quotation of the week
:

"I write books; I don't read 'em."
                                                      – Bill Russell, former Boston
                                                         Celtics  basketball  center

Birthdays:
Crystal Gayle, 59
Joan Baez, 69
Elvis Presley, 75

Buzz words that need a nap:  "transition" (as a verb)


Sobering thoughts for the week:  The 14 countries from which airline passengers to the
        United States will in future face full body searches do not include:

Borf's weekly BONUS:
A 92-year-old man plowed his sedan into a Biscuits 'N' Gra-
vy & More restaurant in Port Orange, Florida, and sat down
and ordered his breakfast.  . . .  A 66-year-old diner at a fast
food restaurant in El Cajon, California, was killed by an SUV
driven into the building by a 74-year-old man. . . .A 17-year-
old girl killed her 16-year-old brother in a game of pedestrian
chicken  in the parking lot of  the Superstition Springs Mall  in
Mesa, Arizona. . . . An Iranian journalist sentenced to 6 years
in prison  was ordered to spend an additional five years there-
after in exile in Gonabad. . . .  A 22-year-old man in Portland,
Oregon,  was accused of  snipping  hair  from women sitting in
front of him on the bus. .  .  . Fifteen Arab-American members
of the Class of '11 at a high school in Dearborn, Michican, de-
signed and wore class sweatshirts with a 9/11 theme. . . . A fu-
neral home in Albuquerque, New Mexico, included a woman's
brain in a bag of personal effects returned to her family.  . . .  A
1-year-old Chinese boy playing with chopsticks wound up with
one stuck up his nose  and  implanted in his brain  (surgeons re-
moved it). .  .  . A 41-year-old woman bit off her lover's lip in a
New Year's kiss in Dallas, Texas. .  .  . A man in Midwest City,
Oklahoma,was arrested early New Year's Day for smashing his
former girl friend's 72-inch TV with his butt. . . .Union and Con-
federate civil war re-enactors inVirginia charged each other with
assault.  .  .  .
A minor league baseball player in Estero,  Florida,
was  suspended  for a blood alcohol content higher than his bat-
ting average (.234 to .216).

                             [courtesy Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "aj8447129," "d5o4182rt" and "d4gu3347g"
        @aim.com titled "Happy New Year!"


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future  include Kyle and Lorretta
Volp.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett





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Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187          Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 3, 2010:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Tiger nude photos scandal!

                                                                                        [courtesy the Globe]


FOUND! BUSH LOVE LETTERS TO CONDI
                        Final straw for Laura

                                                                 [courtesy the Globe]


Judge rules proceedings public
    Bristol loses Round 1 in baby battle with Levi

                                                                                                 [courtesy National Enquirer]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
STEPHEN YATES wrote Sun 27 Dec 2009 @10:45:58 CST:
You forgot the Haircut Bowl.

B Woods wrote Thurs 31 Dec 2009 @ 19:58:0 CST:
Not to mention the Soup Bowl, and the Punch Bowl.

Publius Leget wrote Sun 27 Dec 2009 @10:04:26 CST:
You made up that list of bowl games, right?

Actually,  we made up only the last eight of the 54 on  last week's list.
We did, however, list past as well as present sponsors of many of the
"real" college bowl football games.

Questions – get 'em all right for a free subscription to Tabloid Headlines:
Of all the "bowls," however, the "International" Bowl may be the dumbest.  It was played in Toronto,
Canada, on Jan. 2 between the University of Northern Illinois (7-5; second in its division of its own
conference, fourth over all in its conference) and the University of South Florida (7-5;  fifth  in its
own conference).  USF won 27-3 (making it 8-5, Northern Illinois 7-6).

This game was actually worth watching, just for how poorly both teams played (particularly UNI).
If you're curious, and can find a replay on line, the 5th and 6th minutes of the 4th quarter will do.
The most interesting aspect of the telecast, however, was a 4th quarter break feature on the mea-
sures USF took to secure visas for its coaches, players, and cheerleaders (as if anyone gave a shit
about the band – most of whom were probably from Canada anyway).

We'll bring you all the scores next week.  And there'll be a special prize – Honorary Editor – for any-
one who can give us an accurate count of all the empty seats.   – Editor


Len wrote Sun 27 Dec 2009 @16:30:27 EST also:
Reports from Nazareth  [such as the archaeological find
of Jesus' neighbors' house]  are greatly exaggerated and
presumptuous.   There is no compelling evidence to sup-
port the claim that the Jesus spoken of in the gospel was
(a) a real person or (b) raised in Nazareth. For that mat-
ter there is no archaeological evidence that Nazareth (or
Bethlehem) existed prior to the 2nd century CE (late 1st
century pottery shards  may have been transported there
during settlement). . . .

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 27 Dec 2009 @05:15:11 PST (as
did Stephen Yates and Len also):
"A Chinaman was attached by monkeys . . . ?"  What
 was the Chinaman attached to?

Not to the copyreader, obviously.  – Ed.

Dumb news from Indiana:
Burmese refugees migrating to Fort Wayne dropped from about 800
in 2007  to only 300 in 2009  (the city is believed to have the largest
Burmese community in the United States, estimated at 5,000). . . .

A man wearing a pair of women's panties for a face mask  robbed  a
convenience store in Franklin. . . .

A worker fell 80 feet to his death in a  grain company  silo  in Adams
County.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A University of Kentucky psychologist found that acetaminophen  (the
active ingredient in Tylenol)  eases social pain.
                                                                            [courtesy Harper's]

A staffer  for  Rand  Paul,  candidate for the Republican nomination for
U.S. Senator, resigned because Paul prohibited his staff from criticizing
the Republican Party. . . .

A Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader whose  day  job  is teaching school in
northern Kentucky  sued  thedirty.com,  a gossip site on the web,  over
an article titled  "The Dirty Bengals Cheerleader,"  which  reported  that
she had been exposed to venereal disease.
                                                                                      [courtesy AP]

Quotation of the week:
"It's all bad."
                            – Jeanetta Girard

Birthdays:
Tiger Woods, 34
Patti Smith, 63
J. D. Salinger, 91

Buzz words that need a nap:  "task force"


Borf's weekly BONUS:
A life-size Jesus shot a life-size Santa Claus  in a lawn dis-
play in San Luis Obispo County,  California.  .  .  .  Orna-
ments
  depicting  Mao Tse-tung  and  drag queen  Hedda
Lettuce were  among  800  hung  on the Christmas tree in
theWhite House. . . .  A GPS sent a couple's SUV down
a remote forest road in eastern Oregon on Christmas Day,
stranding them in snow for three days.  . . . Jasper Schurin-
ga, the Dutch passenger who tackled Umar Farouk Abdul-
mutallab on Flight 253 on Christmas Day, sold a story and
cell phone photos to CNN, ABC and the New York Post
for $18,000. . . . Jesus' face appeared on a banana in sub-
urban Sydney,  Australia. . . . A mortuary in Rome,  Geor-
gia, offered free funerals and burials to drunk drivers killed
on New Year's Eve.  .  .  . A woman in Manchester dialed
999  (Britain's 911)  to complain that her squalling cat was
giving her a headache. .  .  . A bill was under consideration
in theWisconsin legislature to name  Lactococcus lactis  the
state microbe  (it's what turns milk to cheese). . . . Custody
of a 7-year old girl was taken from her mother,  Lisa,  who
moved from Vermont toVirginia, renounced homosexuality
and  became an Evangelical Christian,  and awarded to Li-
sa's ex-spouse,  Janet. . . . Brazilian doctors decided to let
nine of  31 needles remain in a 2-year-old boy's body  (in-
jected by his stepfather,  who has not been charged with a
crime). . . .Vandals burned 1,137 cars in what has become
a NewYear's Eve tradition in France. . . . Eleven of 19 py-
thons
survived a mobile home fire in St. George, Utah. . . .
A woman was found slumped over the steering wheel of a
stolen delivery van in Meade County, South Dakota,  with
a blood alcohol content over .70 per cent.  .  .  . The Holy
See sought to trademark and copyright the title, name, and
image of the Pope.




   Concerned father takes revenge







[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]





2010 the Vatican
[used without permission]



Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "fh2v252h1@aim.com"
        titled "Undelivered mail accepted."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include  Jasper  Schuringa
and Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
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have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett





Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187          Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor