Dumb news from Indiana: The Martin County Zoning Board nixed plans for a rural nudist camp between Franklin and Martinsville. . . . Four tigers were seized at a tattoo parlor in Gary. . . . Danica  Patrick  was  booed  at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway after blaming a  poor  qualifying  run  on her car.                                       [courtesy Associated Press]

Governor  Stevie  called a special session of the General Assembly to
consider expanding the number of bourbon-tasting licenses (along with
a state budget, which the legislature failed to pass in its regular 60-day
session that ended in April). . . .

A former baseball coach at the Breathitt County Christian school that
got a $100,000 appropriation  from the state's House of Representa-
tives was arrested for child sex abuse. . . .

Mr. Cocky-Doodle-Doo, a little red rooster in the back yard of a cul-
de-sac residence in Erlanger,  who not only does what roosters do  at
the crack of dawn  but also chased dogs and little children through the
neighborhood, failed to win an exemption from the city's "No livestock
or poultry" ordinance.
                                                                                    [courtesy AP]

"To say that Sarah Palin is a politician mistakes a splashy debut for the breathless
 melodrama that now constantly engulfs her.   It's like saying that Paris Hilton is a
 hotel heiress or that Jon Gosselin is a husband."
                                                                                   – Jack Hitt, in Harper's

"Maybe sometimes accidents happen."
                                                              – Rand Paul, Republican nominee for Senator
                                                                 from Kentucky, referring to the BP oil spill

"Oh, well, that's California.''
                                              – Jeanetta Girard, in reference to the following photo news item

Name that haircut!  It's not a mullet.  What is it?

Winner gets a free subscription to Tabloid Headlines.

John Hinckley, 55
Pam Grier, 61
Hank Williams Jr., 61
Gale Sayers, 67
Carroll Baker, 79

Hundreds of rats, some the size of 5-month-old kittens, were removed from a home in Las Cruces, New Mexico. . . .Elec- tion officials have prohibited wearing chicken suits outside the polls in Nevada  (but voting in a chicken suit will be allowed). . . . A Spanish matador was gored in the roof of his mouth. ... The opening of the Dostoevsky metro station in Moscow was delayed after people complained  that  mosaics (including one of a man striking a woman with an axe and one of a man hold- ding a gun to his head) were depressing. . . . Researchers con- cluded that women who marry much older men or much youn- ger men have increased risks of death. . . .  Austrian traffic en- gineers hired druids to drain  negative  energy  from high-acci- dent areas. . . . A Chinese martial arts expert pulled a half-ton airplane five meters with a rope attached to his eyelids. ... The "teacher of the year" in Gwinnett County, Georgia,  seduced a 17-year-old student who went to her for help with  his  home- work. . . . A history teacher in Lumpkin County,Georgia, said she  regretted  allowing students to parade through the school cafeteria dressed as the Ku Klux Klan  for a film project  ("In hindsight,"  she said, . . .).  A high school senior in Bartlett, Illi- nois, said he regretted spreading oil on the hall floors,  causing a severe back injury to a custodian  and less serious injuries to several students ("In hindsight," he said, . . .).  A second grader who ordered a digital yearbook in Homosassa, Florida, got in- stead  a DVD of her teacher's husband's  pornography  collec- tion. . . .An elderly Chicago couple were found buried alive un- der mounds of garbage in their South Side home. . . .A woman called 911 in Eau Claire,  Wisconsin,  to complain that her hus- band was not divorced from his first wife. . . . A man was fined for setting his bull python free in the hall of a "pet friendly" Holi- day Inn in Mason City,  Iowa. . . .Two persons died climbing a frozen waterfall in Yellowstone National Park. .  .  . Willie Nel- son got a haircut.

                            [courtesy Harper's, Snopes, Obscure, AP]

Republican Mark Souder became the latest "family values" Congress-
man to admit having an affair with a staffer (and he resigned). . . .

The state Supreme Court opened a Twitter account.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

A Louisville policewoman accused of embezzling $1,600 from an offi-
cers association treasury and found to have produced a forged receipt
for the money was suspended for 20 days. . . .

A dead woman got 1,002 votes in the primary election for city council
in Georgetown, promoting her to the general election in November. . . .

The baby giraffe was named Crosby.

                                              [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"Critics always note that Nixon looked crummy in the debates – the 5 o'clock shadow,
 the sweats, the sideways glances, the tugging at his infamous dewlaps.   But those ges-
 tures were merely symptoms of what Nixon was doing.  And Nixon was the last poli-
 tician ever to do it on live TV.  He was thinking."
                                                                                            – Jack Hitt, in Harper's

"Wait for the long gloomy nights and dark days soaked with blood.  What is happening
 to you nowadays is just a drizzle."
                                                      – Iraqi insurgent Lideen Allah Abu Suleiman, celebrating
                                                         recent terrorist bombings that left 119 people dead

"Sinking somebody else's boat in peacetime is clearly an act of war."

                                                      – Daniel Schorr,, on National Public Radio

Jewel Kilcher, 36
Pat Hurst (no, not Patty Hearst), 41
Bernie Taupin, 60
Misty Morgan, 65
Ted Kaczynski, 68
Jim Lehrer, 76
Mac Wiseman, 85

Two signs saying "Yeild to bikes" were taken down in Sparks, Nevada.  .  .  . On a dare,  an outfielder on the Powell Valley, Virginia, high school  baseball  team  pulled out his whang and pissed on the field during the National Anthem.  .  .  .  London Mayor Boris Johnson called the Liberal Democrats' parliamen- tary maneuvering "ludicrous skullduggery," and the resulting co- alition a "cross between a bulldog and a chihuahua." . . .  Beni- gno "Noynoy" Aquino III was expected to win the presidency of the Philippines while Ferdinand "Bongbong" Marcos Jr.,  I- melda Marcos,  President Gloria Arroyo,  and  boxer  Manny Pacquiao  were elected to Congress.  .  .  .  A prostitute at the Hotel Valley Ho  in Scottsdale,  Arizona,  punctured  a  valet's scalp  with her stiletto heel  after he called a regular yellow cab for her instead of a  sedan.  . . .  Contractors were building 1,- 100  new houses  in Las Vegas as more than 15,000 new and foreclosed houses remained empty. . . . A 24-year-old man in Chicopee,  Massachusetts,  offered an employee at a conveni- ence store his 3-month-old daughter in trade for two 40-ounce beers (the child's mother was inside the store buying cigarettes). .  .  .  A math teacher in Birmingham, Alabama, diagrammed an Obama assassination attempt to demonstrate a geometry lesson. . . . A school bus driver in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, was found to be crapping in plastic bags and throwing them from the bus (and a man in the neighborhood caught her on video). .  .  .  A school bus taking children to an amusement park in Attica,Ohio, driven by a drunk, wound up in a ditch. . . . Lindsay Lohan blamed her father, who was not traveling with her, for losing her passport in France (WWBD?). . . . Lauren Tilo, 30, an assistant principal at a high school in Tampa, Florida, was arrested for sending a nude photo of herself  to a 14-year-old boy she'd met in a game on line.

    [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Stephen Quick II, 32, and Samantha Light, 26, of Veedersburg, each got 125 years in prison for molesting children  2 months old and videotaping the activity.    Light said at her sentencing that Quick coerced her, but she appeared to be having a good time  in the videos.                     [courtesy Associated Press]

In a  preview  of his eighth place finish aboard Kentucky Derby
winner Super Saver in the Preakness, jockey Calvin Borel rode
Grand Traverse to a fourth-place finish  in the James Whitcomb
Riley Stakes at Indiana Downs in Shelbyville.

                                                    [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

The Murray State University News published a "Special SEXtion"
including statistics and anecdotes from 114 students responding to
intimate questions. . . .

Gurley Martin,  86,  a candidate for the United States Senate who
has never held public office,  pledged to limit himself to two terms.

                                                       [courtesy Associated Press]

A 45-year-old Edmonson County man was arrested  for shooting
at a school bus his wife was driving. . . .

A 39-year-old Edmonson County man was arrested  for  keeping
his girl friend's 4-year-old son in a doghouse. . . .

Nineteen motor vehicles in a row  ran a new stop sign in Browns-
ville in a demonstration of civil disobedience.

 [courtesy Edmonson News and Bowling Green radio stations]

"Watching the White House Correspondents Dinner,  we  could
 feast on journalists schmoozing with mostly B-list show business
 folk – and sometimes C-list, as in Kim Kardashian."
                                                                                      – Frank Rich, in the New York Times

"Why should we feed some pirates?"
                                                            – Aleksei Kuznetsov, Russian defense ministry spokesman,
                                                               explaining why captured Somali pirates were set free

Emilio Estevez, 48
Ron Simmons, 52
Billy Swan, 68
Anna Maria Alberghetti, 74

A mother of 15 left her 3-year-old daughter at a Wal-Mart in
Cincinnati, Ohio,  overnight,  not realizing the girl was missing
until a relative told her she had seen the child in the news. . . .
A Rastafarian refused to pay the San Diego County, Califor-
nia, fire department  $27,552  for clearing what it considered
combustible weeds from his property. .  .  .  A man drove his
burning truck to the firehouse in McMinnville, Oregon. . . . A
man in Charles County,  Maryland,  out of minutes on his cell
phone,  dialed 911  for a ride home,  telling the police he had
been robbed. .  .  .  A woman who demanded a reward for a
cell phone she found at a crash scene in Williamstown,  Penn-
sylvania,  was arrested for theft. .  .  .  A 7th grade girl and an
8th grade boy were videoed by classmates as they engaged in
oral sex while other students watched a film at a school in Ox-
nard, California. . . . For $3.99 you can hear a neighbor of Ti-
ger Woods tell you what a jerk the golfer is, on his Behind the
Gates web site. . . . Thirty thousand "barbed tampons,"  inten-
ded to deter rape, will be given away at theWorld Cup soccer
tournament  in South Africa. . . . Police responding to a com-
plaint of sexual assault in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, stepped into
a home crawling with hundreds of reptiles,  including alligators
and anacondas 30 feet long. . . . A man was arrested in What-
com County, Washington, for having sex with a goat.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

• Where disaster will strike U.S.
• God's message of hope
• Much, much more!
  

Nine-year-old Talon Spell of Elizabethtown, 5 feet tall and once weigh-
ing 296 pounds, was down to 282 in his quest for normality  (he weigh-
ed only 5 pounds when he was born). . . .

The Dixie Belle tour boat  was knocked off its dock near Nicholasville
by another dock floating loose in the flood and took an unmanned tour
14 miles down the Kentucky River.
                                                               [courtesy Associated Press]

Explaining  his team's 2.025 combined grade point average,  the  lowest
in  the Southeastern Conference,  the University of Kentucky basketball
coach,  John  Calipari,  said the players were distracted by the hype sur-
rounding the school's 2,000th victory. . . .

An accident report revealed that the driver of a semi-trailer was talking
on his cell phone when his rig crossed the I-65 median  near  Munford-
ville in March and killed ten Mennonite family members on their way to
a wedding in Iowa (the truck driver also died). . . .

Moriah  Corey  is a basketball and track star  at  Louisville's Butler High
School. . . .

The list of names for a baby giraffe at the Louisville Zoo has been pared
to three:  Crosby, Sebastian, and Steve.

                                                  [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

See  headline  above  about the Baptist pastor who preached himself to
sleep  in  "Lyleville, Kentucky."  We have found no Lyleville, Kentucky,
in the Rand McNally Road Atlas, the Rand McNally Family World At-
las,  the Hammond World Atlas,  the  Kentucky  Almanac,  the  United
States Postal Guide, or by Google; and our ubiquitous lawyer, Edwin F.
Kagin, has not claimed ever to have had a case there.  That's not to say
there isn't one, you understand.  There's a Lyleville in Pennsylvania, and
there's a "Lyleville lot" in a "colored" cemetery in Paris, Kentucky.

                                                                                     [Editor's note]

"It's par for the course for what we have to do in Albany – fighting the forces
 of evil – these long-term, white supremacist, you know, Republican senators."

                                                    – New York State Senator Kevin Parker (D-Brooklyn)

"Nobody wants no oily shrimp."
                                                    – Jimmy Rowell, a distressed Gulf of Mexico fisherman

"Fuck off!"
                     – Felicia Collier, 18, to a nun at the Catholic high school she attended
                        in Massachusetts.  That's what got her expelled.  Then to her 73-year-
                        old grandmother, in Largo, Florida, when Granny told her to do her
                        homework, as she continued her education on line.   That's what got
                        her slapped.  And, that's what got Granny arrested.  Read all about it.

Michael Palin, 67
Sonny Curtis, 73

A report by the U.S. Commission on International Religious Freedom confirmed that Muslims hate Christians, Christians hate Muslims, and they all hate Jews. . . . Anita Smithey, of Ovideo,  Florida,  shot her husband after warning  him  that the sex was too rough. . . . A man altered a $10 check clo- sing out his bank account  to  $269,951  and deposited it in another bank's ATM in Cape Coral, Florida (he's in jail). ... A mother was holding hostage "Gossip Girl" books her teen daughter got at the library in  Lake Mary,  Florida.  .  .  .  A 19-year-old woman went to court in Lake County,  Illinois, wearing a T-shirt that said, "I have the Pussy, so I make the Rules"  (and then went straight to jail,  without  passing  Go). . . . A high speed police chase on the streets of Atlanta end- ed in a crash into a barber shop, injuring five men inside. . . . Police  tasered  a 17-year-old baseball fan who ran onto the field in Philadelphia. . . . A thunderstorm forecast helped po- lice talk a naked man down  from a billboard in  Fort Worth,  Texas. . . . Texas Governor Rick Perry shot a coyote.

                   [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Obscure.com, AP]

DISCUSSION GROUP:       Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns- ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday. Guest  speakers lined up for meetings in the near future include Felicia Collier, Fai- sal Shahzad, and Anita Smithey. "Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary   entertainment" -- Karen Crockett

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 25 Apr 2010 @11:35:58 PDT
re San Diego's "Geezer Bandit":

OK, I confess.  It's me.  The photographic evidence is
conclusive.

A 32-year-old employee was killed at a Kroger store  in  Franklin
by a pallet of bottled water that fell on her. . . .

Toni Morrison's novel Song of Solomon was recalled from 50 juni-
ors to whom it was assigned at Franklin High School  after a school
board member complained about its descriptive sex, profanity,  and
suicide. . . .

State and local police are running special patrols in 20 rural counties
looking for motorists not wearing seat belts

                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

Rascal  Flatts'  singing of the "Star Spangled Banner"  at  the  Kentucky
Derby.
                                                            [thanks a lot, NBC television]

"If aliens visit us, the outcome would be much as when Columbus landed in
 America, which didn't turn out well for the Native Americans."
                                                                                                    – Stephen Hawking

"I think I need a lawyer."

         – Francis Howard, whose house was demolished by mistake in Denton, Texas

"My daughter is a roller girl who skated for the Atomic Bombshells –
 which is kind of interesting."
                                                – St. Paul, Minnesota, City Councilman Dave Thune
                                                   to a delegation visiting from Nagasaki, Japan

Judy Collins, 71
Rita Coolidge, 66
Ray Parker Jr., 56
Brad Richards, 30

Archie Comics will introduce a gay classmate, Kevin Keller,
in the September issue of Veronica. . . . Refried bean swas-
tikas were pasted on the windows of the Arizona state cap-
itol. . . . The California Highway Patrol's South Lake Tahoe
office was shut down when officers mistook an arrestee's a-
nal vibrator for a bomb. . . .  Philippine President Gloria Ar-
royo appointed her manicurist to the national housing board.
. . . Vacation was declared a human right in Europe.  . . .  A
woman dialed 911 six times in New Haven, Connecticut, for
a ride home from a night club. .  .  . A blind man was barred
from a restaurant in Sydney,  Australia,  by a waiter who be-
lieved his guide dog  was  gay. . . .  Meggie, a cat in San Di-
ego, has her own blog.  .  .  .  A crew demolished the wrong
house – at 724 Ruddell Street in Denton,  Texas,  instead of
the condemned No. 721 across the street. .  .  . A mother in
Cleveland, Ohio, was arrested for making her daughter hog-
tie her 8-year-old son with duct tape  and tie him to a coffee
table every night while she slept.  .  .  .  An 18-year-old boy
dug up a "Jew girl's" corpse at a a private cemetery in Dallas,
Texas, chopped off a foot with a hatchet, put in in a bag, and
took it to the police.  . . .  A man stabbed his wife to death in
Phoenix, Arizona, and drove her corpse to the police.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett

"I'm not for the death penalty; I just don't think we ought to feed them."

                                                                                                                – Jeanetta Girard