November 28, 2010:  Things you would never know if you did
not browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines (this week's issue
brought to you by Lepidopteresta,  which will help you sleep –
and, it's not a drug!  It's a pillow stuffed with the fluffy wings of
luna moths):



'Don't ruin Kate's big day'
  WILLIAM BANS CHARLES' GAY LOVER

                                                                                                             [courtesy the Globe]


Prince William's marriage a mistake
       Why he's engaged to the wrong person

                                                                        [courtesy National Enquirer]


Cher's sex-swap son grows a beard

                                                                                                [courtesy
the Globe]


One year after Tiger caught cheating
  Elin's having a baby!
                   He's crushed over news

                                                    [courtesy
National Enquirer]


Arsons to train trestles worry railroad

                                                                   [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


Funeral set for soldier killed in Afghanistan

                                                           [courtesy Courier-Journal]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Bruce Mitchell wrote Mon 11/22/2010 @16:51 PST:
Geez, already there's an invasion of alligator-eating monster pythons in the
Everglades. Now croc-eating piranhas are invading as well?!

We don't know that the crocodile-eating devil fish have developed a taste for alliga-
tor. We haven't tried either, ourselves; but we've heard there is a comparison some-
what like beef to horse meat. – Ed.

Dumb news from Indiana:
Police used a stun gun on a man waterboarding a 22-month-old child
at his former girl friend's house in Princeton.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
By the end of October the state had already set a record for metham-
phetamine labs discovered in a year,  919,  surpassing 2009's 741 (if
you know of another, you can call 1-800-DOPE-TIP).

                                                             [courtesy Courier-Journal
]

Quotations of the week:
"When are we going to start awarding the Medal of Honor once again for soldiers
 who kill people and break things, so our families can sleep safely at night?"
 
                                                                –
Bryan Fischer, syndicated Christian columnist,
                                                                  
who complained that the medal has been "femi-
                                                                  
nized" by its award to rescuers instead of killers


"
If Elton John and Madonna had a baby, it would be Lady Gaga."
                                                                                                          – Jon Bon Jovi

Quotations of the weak:
"Haha your so gay.  What I've seen pictures of,
 your disgusting . . . stfu. Your such a faggot."
                                                                             – Willow Palin, on Facebook, to a "friend"
                                                                                who criticized Sarah Palin's new TV show

"My goal is to make sure that, by 2014, we have transitioned."
                                                                                                 – President Obama

Birthdays:  Miley Cyrus, 18


Borf's weekly BONUS:
An Iraq veteran was expelled from a community college  in
Catonsville, Maryland, for writing an essay about the effect
of war on an infantryman. . . .
Researchers found the game
tetris  to help prevent flashbacks  associated with the onset
of post-traumatic stress disorder, calling it a “cognitive vac-
cine." . . . The corpses of nearly two thousand fetuses were
found at a Buddhist temple in Bangkok,  illegally aborted o-
ver the last year and buried in plastic bags. . . .  Dirty Dan-
cing
star  Jennifer  Grey,  now 50,  won the latest Dancing
with the Stars competition (Bristol Palin came in third). . . .
A  Black  Friday  shopper threatened to shoot other shop-
pers as she moved to the front of the line at  Toys R Us  in
Madison,  Wisconsin,  Thanksgiving night. .  . . The school
district of Johnson County,  North Carolina,  was requiring
only parental permission for students to carry Chapstick to
school (previously it took a doctor's order). . . . A German
who walled himself into his own basement freed himself  by
drilling through a firewall into his neighbors' basement.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes,
Obscure.com, AP]

Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Kiera Penrod"
        and "Kelli Meller."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Mohamed Moham-
ud.







"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett




Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187          Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



November 21, 2010:  Things you would never know if you did
not browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


CLOWNS ELECTED TO CONGRESS
    35 new members form costume caucus

                                                 [courtesy the Sun - Weekly World News]


Croc-eating piranhas headed to America
    5-foot, 100-pound water beast caught in Congo

                                                                             [courtesy the Sun - Weekly World News]


Wheel of Fortune RIGGED

                                          [courtesy the Globe]


Willow Palin pregnancy surprise

                               [courtesy National Enquirer]


Wacky new campus fad
  
College kids swap cell phones for CB radios

                                                                   [courtesy the Sun - Weekly World News]


Dumb news from Indiana:
Allen County spent $1.25 million cleaning pigeon poop from the lime-
stone exterior of its courthouse in Fort Wayne. . . .

A man fell from a vehicle traveling on I-465 in Indianapolis ad died.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Six city employees were fired by the mayor of Manchester after she lost
her bid for re-election  (they got their jobs back with an immediate fed-
eral lawsuit). . . .

The supervisor of the sex offender treatment center  at  the mental hos-
pital for prisoners in  LaGrange  was arrested for indecent exposure at
a traffic light in Louisville  –  and his lawyer said he was merely dealing
with an extreme case of poison ivy. . . .

In a fight over a tractor being sold, an Anderson County man was forci-
bly shaved and forced to eat his beard.
                                                                                     [courtesy
AP]
Quotation of the week:
"Don't touch my junk."
                                      –
John Tyner

"A millionaire is not a commoner."
                                                         – Jeanetta Girard

Quotation of the weak:
"The Earth will end only when God declares it's time to be over.  Man will not
 destroy this Earth. This Earth will not be destroyed by a flood."

                                                         – Rep. John Shimkus (R-Ill.), a candidate for chairman
                                                            of the House Energy and Commerce Committee

Birthdays:
Alexis May McCaughey, 13
Brandon James McCaughey, 13
Joel Steven McCaughey, 13
Kelsey Ann McCaughey, 13
Kenneth Robert McCaughey, 13
Natalie Sue McCaughey, 13
Nathaniel Roy McCaughey, 13
Stan Musial, 90

Buzz words that need a nap:  "It's good to be with you."  It's a response to a radio
        or TV host's "Thank you" in lieu of
"Thank you for having me," which itself is
        a cloying substitute for  "You're welcome."   In an egregious extension of this
        new diction,  English writer
Katie Nicholl, reporting to National Public Radio
        on the upcoming nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton,  said, in her
       
clipped British accent, mushily delivered, "It's lovely to be with you."



Borf's weekly BONUS:
Luxury hotel suites for pilgrims were going for $6,000 a night
in Mecca. .  .  .  In Seneca,  South Carolina,  a deputy sheriff
tasered a burglar found lying face down, naked, with a mouse
in his rectum. .  .  .
The FBI announced a $20,000 reward for
information on  the  "random"  shootings  of the Pentagon and
other military sites. . . . Newsweek was acquired by the Daily
Beast. .  .  . A couple in their 30's were charged with riding a
motorized Wal-Mart shopping scooter to a strip club  in Hun-
tington, West Virginia. . . . Two sixth-grade teachers in North
Brookfield,  Texas,  prohibited students from carrying pencils.
. . .  The Air Force warned its personnel that their Facebook
usage might be tipping the enemy off about their location. . . .
. . . Megan Baumann, a social studies teacher at Clinton High
School in Tennessee,  got three years in prison for having sex
with one male student,  fondling  another,  and  sending  nude
photos of herself to others by cell phone.







 
[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes,
Obscure.com, AP]

Annie's Mailbox:
  More advice for the man whose wife was going to "sleepovers" with
          her best friend,  "Suzy":
Dear Alone:  Share your wife's enthusiasm and tell her you wish to sleep over
                      at Suzy's house the next night.  – Keith Durbin

Dear Alone:  If you just go out to a bar, pick up a chick and get laid, you'll get
                      over it in no time.  – Fred Dean

Dear Alone:  Remember what Tommy Toilet says!  Wipe your ass!  – Steve
                      Yates

Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Viviyan Pelikan"
        and "Devonna Tulikangas."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Sharyn Alfonsi.



"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187          Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



November 14, 2010:  Things you would never know if you did
not browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Wynonna STOMACH STAPLE SCANDAL

                                                                                              [courtesy the Globe]


John Edwards' mistress cheating on him

                                                                                                                 [courtesy National Enquirer]


Chilean miner falls down manhole in NYC marathon

                                                                         [courtesy the Sun - Weekly World News]


Dumb news from Indiana and Kentucky
:
Police searched a landfill in Southern Indiana for the body of a college
student from Carmel who died having sex with a neighbor in
Louisville,
who told police he had continued having sex with the corpse  and then
threw it in a dumpster.


                                               [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Dumb news from Indiana:
The Indianapolis Police Department released the transcript of texting be-
tween patrolman David Bisard,  shortly before his squad car plowed in-
to two parked motorcycles August 6,  killing a motoryclist,  and another
officer:

Bisard:  Ha.

Other officer:  Don't show up with ketchup & mustard all over your shirt.

Bisard:  Why not?

Other officer:  It's not tactical.

Dumb news from Kentucky:
The National Collegiate Athletic Association refused to let the Universi-
ty of Kentucky play a professional basketball player from Turkey,  who
was paid not merely $33,033 playing basketball in Turkey in the 2008-
2009 season but $33,033 more than his "expenses."

                                               [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


Dumber news from Kentucky:


Quotation of the week
:

"It's tough to deny Justin Bieber his dreams, but it'd probably be best if he
 just stopped."
                               – Jeffrey Lee Puckett, Louisville Courier-Journal


Quotation of the weak:
"We've got to begin to turn the tide – and turn it in a different direction."

                                                                                 – new Congressman-elect Jim
                                                                                   Renacci, Republican of Ohio

Birthdays:
Mackenzie Phillips, 51
Neil Young, 65
Charles Manson, 76
Boutros Boutros-Ghali, 88
Sargent Shriver, 95

Buzz words that need a nap:  "quantitative easing"


Borf's weekly BONUS:
The city council of Castellammare di Stabia, Italy, banned
football games in public parks,  blasphemy  out loud,  and
skimpy clothes. . . . Two years after hiring a waste-dispo-
sal company to search through 12,000 gallons of sewage,
a British woman was reunited with the  diamond  ring  she
had flushed down the toilet. .  .  .  A virgin boa constrictor
gave birth to 22 snakelets. . . . Mr. Goodwrench was laid
off. .  .  . A court petition was filed in Gainesville,  Florida,
seeking restraining orders against President Obama, Jesus
and former University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow.
. . . A man was arrested for throwing oranges at airplanes
at the municipal airport in Mesa, Arizona. .  .  . A woman
who skipped her bill repeatedly at a restaurant in Gurnee,
Illinois, attacked an investigating policeman with what the
police report termed a "a rigid feminine pleasure device."
. . . Pony-tailed transient Carey Sterling, being sentenced
for theft of a meter reader scooter in Missoula, Montana,
and told by Judge Dusty Deschamps  she'd have to keep
herself under control," replied, "I have a paradigm shift in
my motivation for being in society." . . . A cat napping on
a toaster oven in Port Townsend, Washington, set the kit-
chen on fire by depressing the "on" lever. . . .  Ariel Shar-
on went home from the hospital.  . . .  Aung San Suu Kyi
went out. . . .The mystery missile launch in Southern Cal-
ifornia was dismissed by government and military officials
as a random event.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

The sports:  Indiana and Wisconsin combined for 103 points in
        a college football game in Madison.


Be an advice columnist for a day!  A Tabloid Headlines participatory stunt.  What follows is
a recent letter to "Annie's Mailbox,"  the continuation of the column of the late Ann Landers,
and the columnists' answer:

Dear Annie:  My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for four. We have
a wonderful 11-year-old son.

We got together while we were in high school.  Neither of us ever had many close friends
or much of a social life. But all of a sudden, my wife has become a social butterfly. I hard-
ly see her without her best friend,  "Suzy."   In the past three weeks,  I've had exactly one
meal with my family without Suzy present.

Now my wife wants to stay overnight at Suzy's house. I've told her that I don't mind hav-
ing Suzy around occasionally, but not all the time, and I don't agree with this staying over
night business.   I trust my wife,  but she should sleep at home.  Every time I mention my
feelings,  she gets angry and says I'm jealous and don't want her to have any friends,  or
she closes up tight and won't speak to me for days.

I love my wife, but I married her, not Suzy. I want her to have friends and have fun, but
am I wrong to expect her home at a reasonable hour, and to let me know where she's
going? — Home Alone

Dear Alone:  Married women do not make a habit of sleeping over at a girl friend's
house unless there are problems in the marriage —  and it sounds as if there may be.
Couples that get together in high school can sometimes feel they've missed out,  and
Suzy appears to provide excitement.  Your wife owes you complete honesty.  Insist
on it.
Now, the fun!  Write your own answer to "Home Alone" and send it to Tabloid Headlines.
Here are a couple of starters, for examples:
Dear Alone:  Your wife has become a lesbian.  Live with it.

Dear Alone:  Let's all go to Suzy's.
Send us your advice!


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Aylin Willis"
        titled "Mayture Lady Is Smoking In Only Pantyhose."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Yunji de Nies.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187          Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



November 7, 2010:   Things you would never know if you did
not browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


From America's most respected psychics and evangelists
  100 STUNNING PREDICTIONS
   FOR  THE  NEXT  100  DAYS


                                                                           [courtesy the Sun]
    A sampling:
 18.  A health insurance company will brainwash a suicide bomber to attack Congress.

 43.  A swarm of beetles,  electrically modified to be remote-controlled listening devices,
        will escape from a defense lab and interfere with cell phones, radio and the internet.

 52.  Sharks will shatter the Plexiglas windows of a trendy, high tech underwater resort.

 77.  A tsunami will create an inland sea along the San Andreas fault in California.

 82.  Jerry Falwell will step out of the grave to proclaim universal tolerance.

 83.  George W. Bush will announce his new career as a preacher.

 93.  A Northern state will pass a law making school prayer mandatory before standard-
         ized tests.

100.  A televangelist will be struck by lightning while begging God to take vengeance on
         the unjustly wealthy.

In new bombshell book
 WHAT BUSH IS HIDING
                                                        [courtesy the Globe]


Angelic white butterfly guided
two Chilean miners to refuge

                                                                    [courtesy the Sun]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:

Publius Leget wrote Sun 31 October 2010
@12:53:46 CDT, re last week's item about
toilet paper and paper towels without woo-
woos:

                                  What's a woo-woo?


Editor:  It's the cardboard tube that forms
the center of the roll of paper.

We  once  investigated this question  thor-
oughly.    It was back in the Chicago days
when  everyone was hanging out  at  Ted and Marcia's  apart-
ment in Georgian Court.  That's  where  we played our music,
smoked our dope,  and dropped our LSD.   We had a bong
made of one of those cardboard cylinders, and, in the course
of producing more, wondered what to call that particular part.
No one knew.  We looked it up.  No answer.

Finally we wrote the Scott Paper Company,  in  Philadelphia,
Pennsylvania, asking, "What do you call that cardboard cylin-
inder placed inside a roll of toilet paper?"     And we got a re-
ply!  From  the  vice  president  for  public  relations,  himself.
"Curiously," he wrote,  "it's called the cardboard cylinder that
goes inside a roll of toilet paper.   Thank you for your interest
in our products!   A token of our appreciation is on the way."
And soon, by special delivery by semitrailer, we got a lifetime
supply of paper towels.

But we weren't satisfied; and we were still studying the matter
months later, at Ted and Marcia's, when Marcia's hippie bro-
ther,  Buddy,  came in from Florida.    "Don't you know what
that is?"  he asked.  "That's a woo-woo."

"A 'woo-woo'?" we asked.  "What's the etymology of that?"

"Don't you remember when you were kids?"  Buddy  asked.
"And ran through the house with those things,  blowing   into
them,  yelling through them,  with your hand flapping the far
end,  going,  'Woo, woo!  Woo, woo!'?"

Since that time, Kimberly-Clark, of Dallas, Texas, the man-
facturer that has begun marketing woo-wooless toilet paper
and paper towels, has taken over  the Scott paper brand.

Dumb news from Indiana:
Eight African-Americans attacked eight Asian-Americans on the Indi-
ana University campus in Bloomington,  calling them Chinks,  robbing
them,  and breaking the jaw of one of them.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
You know.

Quotation of the week:
"I really like people who are passionate and confident even if they're completely
 wrong.  Actually,  when they're completely wrong,  I'm more attracted to them
 because I'm so full of doubt.  I'm never certain that I'm right.  And people who
 are so certain of it,  I'm kind of in awe of them.    I don't want them calling me,
 necessarily, but I like to sit behind them in restaurants."
                                                                                             David Sedaris


Quotation of the weak:
"Deutschland über alles."
                                          – Sebastian  Pinera,  President  of  Chile,  in
                                             German President Christian Wulff's guest book


Birthdays:
Natalie Cole, 60
Burt Hooton, 60
k. d. lang, 49

Borf's weekly BONUS:
Lynette Marie Layton, 39,  was arrested twice in ten days
for standing naked at major intersections in Raleigh, North
Carolina.  .  .  .  A man waterboarded his girl friend in Lin-
coln, Nebraska. . . . The trapped Chilean miners were de-
feated by their rescuers in a soccer game, 3-2. . . . A pas-
tor in South Africa declared that Jesus was  HIV-positive.
... A 10-year-old girl who went to Spain for welfare gave
birth  to  a daughter  (the 13-year-old father stayed home
in Romania).  . . .  A Lutheran church called police in Des
Peres,  Missouri,  to  help it evict a man dressed as Jesus.
.  .  .   A man was accused of sexual abuse of a miniature
horse whose tail hair was found tied to a post  in Wilmer,
Alabama. . . .A bank robber in Columbus, Ohio, was im-
peded by his saggy pants and dropped his loot on his get-
away.  .  .  .  A blow-up Barack Obama sex doll was on
sale in China.  .  .  .  The "random" shooting through win-
dows at the Pentagon was followed by random shootings
of a Marine museum near Quantico  and  two military re-
cruiting stations in the D.C. area,  including  a Marine re-
cruiting station  (and the FBI has asked "the" shooter  to
give it a call).

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes,
Obscure.com, AP]






Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Kiera Penrod,"
        "Kelli Meller," and "Dorise Diemer."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Keith Olbermann.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187          Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor