• Organized a team of snipers
• Set up Oswald as fall guy
  

Terry Crow wrote Mon 4/18/11 @08:19 PDT:

J-Lo the world's most beautiful woman?  Only if you stop at the waist.

Butt, from which direction?  – Ed.

"The Times policy," the paper wrote, "is to withhold the names of criminal suspects younger than 18,  unless waived to adult court." Well, the 16-year-old Valparaiso girl accused of sexually preying on a retarded 17-year-old boy,  reported  in  last week's Tabloid Headlines, was sent to an adult court on felony charges;  so – the paper printed not only her name, but also her pitture. Here she is:                                       [discourtesy Northwest Indiana Times]

April Kuchta

Bobby Knight, former Indiana University basketball coach, apolo-
gized for saying Kentucky started five players in the 2010 NCAA
tournament that had not been to class that semester. . . .

Harrison County was getting ready for its second annual "Bark for
Life" dog walk to benefit the American Cancer Society. . . .

Attendants at a conference on earthquake safety at the Greenfield
Public Library were sent scurrying when lightning set the building
on fire.
                                                              [courtesy Associated Press]

Two students were stabbed in the feet in separate incidents as they sat
at desks in the University of Kentucky library.
                                                                                     [courtesy AP]

A 30-year-old elementary school science teacher in Lewis County was
arrested for cell phoning nude photos of himself to a former pupil,  now
a 15-year-old high school girl.
                                                   [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

"The girl told a very painful and moving story."
                                                                          – Silvio Berlusconi (see weekly bonus)

"Good morning, it's 10 minutes after 4, Central time."
                                                                                     – Joe Corcoran, WKYU-FM
                                                                                        radio, Bowling Green, Ky.
                                                                                        –   at  3:48  a.m.  (CDT)

Bernadette Devlin, 64
John Waters, 65
Hayley Mills, 65

Silvio Berlusconi  said he gave Ruby Heartthrob 45,000 euros
to open a beauty parlor,  not  for  sex,  because he thought she
was Hosni Mubarek's granddaughter and he was trying to help
her escape a life of prostitution. . . . A new book suggests that
the Last Supper was taken  not on Monday Thursday  but  on
Tuesday Wednesday. .  .  . Scientists seeking the brain section
for embarrassment asked subjects to listen to their own karao-
ke renditions of "My Girl" played back without instrumental ac-
companiment. .  .  . Geoffrey Mutai of Kenya broke the world
record in winning the Boston Marathon,  but it won't count be-
cause Boston's marathon is downhill.  .  .  .  A kindergartner in
Houston accidentally shot himself and another pupil  with a gun
he brought to school. . . .  $8 million Reds pitcher Mike Leake
was arrested for shoplifting T-shirts at Macy's in Cincinnati. . . .
E-mail complaints from PETA and others, after the event went
Facebook, prompted a Tacoma (Washington) tavern to cancel
its weekly goldfish races.  . . . Gangs in Durban,  South Africa,
were stealing anti-AIDS drugs to make the popular street drug
whoonga. . . . Termites ate 10 million rupees at a bank in Uttar
Pradesh, India. . . . Li-Lo was sent back to jail for two months.
.  .  . A man with a panoramic tattoo of a gang murder he com-
mitted, stretching from chin to chest and arm to arm,  was con-
victed in Los Angeles, California.  .  .  . The Pope went on TV
Good Friday to answer questions submitted on line.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Dear Jeanetta:

I am 21 and have a baby with my boy friend, "Emmett." He is
19.  I love him deeply,  but he won't work.  Jobs are available,
but he keeps saying he is "waiting for something better,"  and
all he does is sleep and party.   And I have two children,  and
no help.  What can I do?
                                          Enamored of Emmett in Emeryville

Dear Ena:
                       Keep your legs crossed.

• Announcement after the honeymoon
• If it's a girl, they'll name her Diana
  

StephenYates wrote Fri 15 April 2011 @ 10:31:16 CDT: It hurt my feelings a bit, not that one of your readers  said  I looked like  a  second-grade teacher,  but  that  I did not look  at  all  like Muammar  Qadaffi.   I would like to submit this re-entry in your lookalike contest.

Publius Leget wrote Sun 10 April 2011 @10:04:26 CDT:

What's "weak" about the Ari Shapiro quotation  "Any middle school
government student knows that passing the budget is the job of Con-
gress, not the President"?

Well.  For starters, middle schools don't have students.  They  have  pupils.
And "government" is not part of the curriculum of the typical middle school.
Nor is "civics."  "Social studies," maybe.  So,  there's  no  such  thing  as  a
"middle school government student" in the first place.

And then, how many average citizens do you know – from middle school
graduates through Ph.D.'s –  who have a walking awareness of the respec-
tive roles and duties of legislators and executives in government?

Finally,  is Mr. Shapiro,  National Public Radio's "White House correspon-
dent,"  not  aware (1) that the budget originates in the White House, not in
the Congress, and (2) that it cannot be enacted without the President's sig-
nature?

We interviewed some middle schoolers before writing the above. A num-
ber of them didn't even know what a budget is.
                                                                                                 – Editor

The school board  rejected  the  superintendent's recommen-
dation  to fire Jefferson High School baseball coach Al Rabe
for referring to the University of Louisville basketball team as
"yard  apes"  in an inspirational talk to his team. but  required
him to apologize to the community  and  get  racial  sensitivity
training.
                             [courtesy Clark County Evening News]

A man from Charlestown, Indiana, driving a car stolen in Dick-
inson, North Dakota, to a funeral in Wisconsin stopped at the
police station in West Fargo, North Dakota, to ask for a cha-
rity gasoline voucher.  He was arrested for grand theft auto....

A drunken man drowned in a hot tub at a pool party in Evans-
ville.
                                                    [courtesy Associated Press]

A committee of the state House of Representatives ap- proved a new Congressional district that would stretch from the suburbs of Indianapolis to the suburbs of Lou- isville, Kentucky. . . . Girls aged 16 and 14 in Valparaiso were arrested for "sexually battering" a retarded 17-year-old boy. . . . A man shot two other patrons at a gun show in Evansville.                                         [courtesy AP, Indianapolis Star]

Indiana legislators study various redistricting proposals.
                                                                                                   [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A scrawny co-worker  of  Tabloid Headlines' secretary's hus-
band was nearly blown off a roof under construction in Bow-
ling Green in what weather reporters called a "gustnado."

                                                     [courtesy Jeanetta Girard]

Gun advocates asked Governor Stevie to cancel a policy re-
quring armed visitors to the State Capitol  to wear dime-size
red stickers, saying they felt "demonized" (see Quotations of
the weak, below). . . .

The parents of the 6-year-old girl patted down by the  TSA
(see Borf's weekly bonus, below) – a doctor and his wife in
Bowling Green, Ky.,  who complained of the possible effect
on  their  daughter  –  are the ones who uploaded a video of
the incident on YouTube.
                                                                         [courtesy AP]

A political blogger in Louisville, fed up with the defamation he
was getting from an anonymous opposing blogger, filed suit to
force the other blogger to reveal his identity.

                                      [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]



    TWIN MOTHERS PLEAD NOT GUILTY

Twin sisters Jeanette Allen (left) and Janet Doughty pleaded not
guilty to child abuse in Louisville.  Their 2-year-old sons, Chris-
topher  (Jeanette's)  and Wyatt  (Janet's)  were found in squalid
conditions in a house the twins inherited from their late mother.
In an agreement with social workers, the twins gave custody to
their older sister,  Nereida  Allen  –  who,  with her boy friend,
Joshua Peacher, was later convicted of  murder and assault in
the beatings of Christopher (to death) and Wyatt, which occur-
red less than a week after Nereida gained custody.

The twin mothers were indicted only after their older sister was
convicted.     Janet's attorney suggested that the indictment was
returned to "conceal mistakes" made by the social workers.

The two boys had the same father  (and thus were not only first
cousins, but also half-brothers).
                                                        [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"About the only person who has had a worse year is Tiger Woods.  But Todd's had
  the opportunity to play more golf than Tiger has."
                                                                                    – Steve  Hamrick,  a Disciples of
                                                                                       Christ minister, in a candidates'
                                                                                       debate against Kentucky State
                                                                                       Treasurer Todd Hollenbach

"That's not even legal."
                                       – Jeanetta Girard

"I think there's this sense of relief that finally we are at a point where we can
 be taken seriously as women who enjoy bourbon and the life style  that  ac-
 companies it – that it's just not for men anymore."
                                                                                – Mary Quinn Ramer, founding
                                                                                   member of Bourbon Women

"What is the justification for putting a brand on legally armed citizens that's
 not required of anyone else?"
                                                  – Charles Riggs, leader of the Concealed-Carry
                                                     Coalition (see Dumb news from Kentucky, above)

"Like Joe and I."
                            – Terry Reagan, WKYU-FM radio, Bowling Green, Ky.

Princess Eléonore of Belgium, 3
Olivia Hussey, 60
Julie Christie, 71
Loretta Lynn, 76 (or 81)
The Pope, 84

A credit card thief in Rhode Island  used $65 of his purloined
wealth to send flowers to the card owner,  with  the  message
"thnx for ur money." . . . A 6-year-old girl got a full body pat-
down and a drug test  from a Transportation Security Admin-
istration agent at the New Orleans International Airport.  .  .  .
A clown from Kansas known as the "Bunny  Lady" opened a
confetti-filled plastic egg over a TSA agent's head at the Phil-
adelphia International Airport. . . . U.S. and Australian wom-
en's tennis champion  Kim  Clijsters  sprained her ankle dan-
cing at a nephew's wedding in her native Belgium. . . . Biolo-
gists found  that  liberals' brains have a greater ability to deal
with conflicting information  and conservatives' brains have a
greater ability to recognize threats. . . . Archaeologists repor-
ted finding evidence of a gay cave man. .  .  . Harper's maga-
zine spells Qaddafi with a Q, no G, no K, no H, two D's and
one F.   The Library of Congress has listed 72 different ways
to spell the Libyan nutball's surname – not counting the many
ways to spell his first name or the multitudinous combinations.
It's Muamar Qadafi on Facebook.  . . .  A city councilman in
Vermont, Wisconsin,  was found guilty of disorderly conduct
for shooting his TV set during a performance  by  Bristol  Pa-
lin  on Dancing with the Stars.

[courtesy  Harper's Weekly,  Snopes,  Obscure.com,  AP]

You explain it photo dept.

"It's Texas."
                       – Jeanetta Girard

• Extreme surgery!
• Cocaine & pills!
• Kirstie's secret husband
  

LETTERS to the EDITOR: Len wrote Sun 4/3/11 @11:43 EDT re the Muammar Qadafi lookalike entrant: No.  He does not look like Qadafi.   He looks more like a second-grade teacher.

contestant

The photo arrived here without designation or identification; but whom it looks like is
our roving reporter,  Stephen  Yates,  who is an archaeologist,  biochemist,  museum
host and musician.  His daughter will be in the second grade this fall, but we have not
seen any degrading photographs of her on his Facebook page. – Ed.

Indiana Downs and Casino in Shelbyville filed for bankruptcy. . . .

An 11-year-old girl whose grandmother allowed her to drive the fami-
ly van around home in Clarksville ran over her 6-year-old brother.

                                                              [courtesy Associated Press]

Molly Ringwald, the child star who won't go away, will be the keynote
speaker at the annual Tapestry festival  at  IPFW  – Indiana University
and Purdue University at Fort Wayne,  in a combined campus.  (How
do you pronounce IPFW?   Let's see. The combo-university in India-
napolis is called IUPUI,  pronounced "Ooey-Pooey."  For IPFW,  try
"ip" with a Bronx cheer.)

                 [courtesy Indiana University Alumni Association News]

At least 13 residents brought documents to the County Recorder pro-
claiming them to be citizens of the Moorish Empire.
                                                                                    [courtesy AP]

A 61-year-old woman was arrested for prostitution at a massage par-
lor. . . .

A woman sued the city after Bodo the police dog  bit  her 2-year-old
son instead of the suspect police were pursuing.

                                          [courtesy Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette]

The 300-million-year-old fossil of a 25-foot shark was found by a coal
miner in Webster County, near the Mississippi River.
                                                                                    [courtesy AP]

"A stale cookie beats a stale doughnut."
                                                                – Madry Chlopak

"Any middle school government student knows that passing the budget
 is the job of Congress, not the President."
                                                                    – Ari Shapiro, National Public Radio

Janis Ian, 60
Agnetha Faltskog, 61
Peggy Lennon, 70
Darlene Gillespie, 70
Tommy Cash, 71
Paul Krassner, 79
Ravi Shankar, 91
Jamie Lynn Spears, 20

Charlie Sheen opened his Violent Torpedo of Truth tour
45 minutes late in Detroit,  stumbled,  and got booed off
the stage. . . . Maksim Chmerkovskiy fell to the floor on
Dancing with the Stars,  taking Kirstie Alley  down  with
him. . . .  A woman pounded on Paul Gauguin's painting
"Two Tahitian Women" at the National Gallery of Art in
Washington, D.C.,  screaming,  "This is evil." . . . A 16-
year-old girl in Bloomington, Illinois,  who  "texted"  her
friends that she'd been robbed and shot on April Fool's
Day was cited by police for disorderly conduct and tru-
ancy. . . .  A patron called 911 when he was 86'd from
a bar in Naperville, Illinois.  . . .  A man called police in
Lancaster, Pennsylvania, after being "stiffed" by a pros-
titute  (sorry, just couldn't resist!  And, putting one little
word after another, would you call this not a "drive-off"
but a "fuck-off"?).  . . .  Donald Trump released a birth
certificate that was not a birth certificate. . . . South Af-
rica executed a baboon  that  jumped into tourists' cars
and snatched their food and luggage. . . .The face of Je-
sus appeared on a three-cheese pizza in Brisbane, Aus-
tralia. . . . A 25-year-old man cited for barking and his-
sing at a police dog in Mason, Ohio, complained,  "The
dog started it."  .  .  . Weather forecasters at  Colorado
State  University  say  there will be 16 named storms in
the Atlantic Ocean this year –  nine of them, hurricanes,
and five of those, major. . . . Seventeen neighbors join-
ed in a suit to revoke the zoning approval for a  "mega-
mosque" in Murfreesboro,  Tennessee. . . . A man who
died in a car crash  24 hours after his wife died of can-
cer  was buried holding the urn containing her ashes  in
Clio, Michigan. . . .  The showing of photos of oral sex
to a class  called  "Popular Culture and Counseling"  at
San Diego State University in California was described
as sex education by the teachers, not pornography. . . .
Hezbollah put a $2 million bounty on Terry Jones' head.
. . . Bob Dylan sold out in China.

[courtesy  Harper's Weekly,  Snopes,  Obscure,  AP]

• Marilyn Monroe SEDUCED her
  
• Two husbands BEAT her
  
• Her steamy tryst with JFK

• Oprah's confession about her love affair with Gayle
• Bald secret – Oprah lost ALL her hair
• Her deadly drugs to lose weight
• What REALLY happened to Oprah's baby – and where he is today

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 3/27/11 @12:59 EDT:

The National Aeronautics and Spade Administration?  (Not
many black astronauts, are there?)

It was a typo – and, perhaps, a Freudian slip (our linotypist might
have had the Sputnik era joke "The jig is up" in mind). – Editor

A 17-year-old girl who tried to beat a train to the crossing on Indiana
62 near Charlestown had to be cut out of her car and taken to a hos-
pital.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

The federal Drug Enforcement Administration  seized  Kentucky's
capital punishment drugs. . . .

A 30-year-old motorist was killed in a crash with a deer in Corinth.
Her two children in the car were not injured.  The condition  of  the
deer was not reported. . . .

A school secretary in Richmond,  out on bail on charges of rape and
sodomy,  was sent back to jail after violating her terms of release by
contacting a 15-year-old boy on Facebook.
                                                                                  [courtesy AP]

The Kentucky Department of Homeland Security says a new I-Phone
"app"  for reporting  "suspicious  activity"  is based on their own "app"
called "Eyes and Ears on Kentucky." . . .

Governor Stevie's wife, Janie, read stories via Skype to Appalachian
schoolchildren at the Blackberry Elementary School in Pike County.

                                                                                  [courtesy AP]

"She did a nice job, her little hooves tapping away."
                                                                                    – George Lopez, reviewing Kirstie Al-
                                                                                        ley's performance on Dancing with
                                                                                        the Stars. He later apologized, but . . .

"I don't want your apology.  I want your kidney, dude.  On behalf of your ex and all
 the women you've insulted.  Give it back."
                                                                                – Kirstie Alley (Lopez got a a kidney
                                                                                   donation from his wife in 2005)

"President Obama gives a national speech to the nation tonight."

                                                                            – Joe Corcoran, WKYU-FM
                                                                               radio, Bowling Green, Ky.

"They really execute you to death."
                                                        – Clark Kellogg

Rachel Maddow, 48
Samuel Alito, 61

Lady Gaga, 25
Norah Jones, 32
Picabo Street, 40
Celine Dion, 43
Lucy Lawless, 43
Tracy Chapman, 47
Emmylou Harris, 64
Shirley Jones, 77
Wally Moon, 81
Charlemagne, posthumous (b. 742)

Zsa Zsa Gabor was hospitalized with high blood pressure after
the death of Elizabeth Taylor. . . . A hacker reprogrammed an
electronic billboard in Moscow to show a pornographic movie.
. . . President Obama was locked out of the White House. . . .
OED editors traced "OMG" back to 1917. . . . A woman who
locked herself in the trunk of her car  in  Ravenna,  Ohio,  was
rescued after calling 911.  . . . A man called police in Franklin,
Illinois,  when  two  lap  dancers  did not show up at his motel
room as promised. .  .  . Rutgers University paid Jersey Shore
Snooki $32,000 for a campus appearance, compared to only
$30,000 to Toni Morrison for the commencement address. ...
A 70-year-old woman who "walked" her dog by  following  it
in her car got a $114 ticket in Madison,Wisconsin, for permit-
ting a dog to run at large. .  .  . A  first-grade teacher in Pater-
son, New Jersey, was suspended for referring to her pupils as
"future criminals"  on Facebook,  and a second-grade teacher
in Chicago, Illinois, was under investigation for posting a pho-
tograph of a pupil's strange hairdo on Facebook.

This is the only entry we got in our Muammar Qadafi look- alike contest. Just vote it up or down, OK?

    Theodore Best, president of the school board in Paterson,
New Jersey, who delivered the news to the first-grade teach-
er  that she had been suspended for calling her pupils  "future
criminals" on  Facebook,  remarked  that  when people used
to complain about their jobs over the back yard fence, it usu-
ally stayed between neighbors,  but when such comments are
placed on a  social  media  page,  people need to realize that
they have a much larger audience than they may intend.  "It's
a public act," he said.

    Does Facebook post a privacy warning?  Not exactly.  It
has privacy "settings" for your "account."  Are users aware of
these?  Some  of  them.   Is the average user smarter than the
average bear?  Good question.

    Should Facebook post a privacy warning? Ask Rand Paul.

                                                         [courtesy the Sun]