FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 5/22/11 @10:41 PDT re the injury to Gov-
ernor Mitch of Indiana:

Those out-of-control doors are why I have never gone to a fitness club.

Stephen Yates wrote Sun 5/22/11 @16:21 CDT:

Brittni Colleps is the ugliest of all the teachers sexing young boys so far.
Is she from Terre Haute?

Or Elizabethtown.  Here are some more photos, in which she does not look as
bad as she did in her mug shot.  And there's a little bit of video here, of her go-
ing to court with her husband, who was standing by his woman.  – Editor

Memorial Day will fall on Memorial Day this year, but the 500-Mile Race
in Indianapolis will fall again on Sunday, the day before the celebration of
Memorial Day on a Monday, Memorial Day. It's the 100th anniversary of
the race,  almost,  but the first race, in 1911, was held on Memorial Day,
May 30,  as were all the 500-Mile races until 1971 except when May 30
fell on a  Sunday,  in which years the race was held on Monday,  May 31.
Congress, after Memorial Day in 1968,  moved Memorial Day from May
30 to the last Monday in May (which happens to be May 30 in 2011) and
the 500-Mile Race was moved from May 30 to the Sunday before Mem-
orial Day in 1971.  In sum: Never on Sunday until 1971; always on a Sun-
day thereafter; always on Memorial Day until 1971 (unless  it fell on a Sun-
day);  never on Memorial Day after 1970  (except  when  May 31 fell on a
Monday and was  celebrated  as  Memorial Day),  and,  today  is  not  the
100th anniversary of the first 500-Mile Race.

Dumb news from Kentucky: A 2-year-old girl riding on her father's lap, along with her brother, was killed when she fell off and was run over by the lawn mower, in Lexington. . . . A 49-year-old woman lying on a rail- road in Harlan County was killed by a train,  but a 43-year-old man lying with her was merely severely injured. . . . Louisville's Assumption High School canceled a trip to France for 31 stu- dents  after  police  received a letter threatening kidnappings.              [courtesy Associated Press]

State champion miler Emma Brink,     of Louisville's Sacred Heart Acad-     emy, competes for the Karen Car-     penter Award.              [Aaron Borton, Courier-Journal]

"People are giving me water, and diapers, and things like that."
                                                                                                     – Angie Edwards, tornado
                                                                                                        victim in Joplin, Missouri
" . . . as they transition to democracy . . . ."
                                                                        – President Obama

"You crossed to the dying part of living . . . ."
                                                                           – first line of a memorial poem to a deceased
                                                                              loved one published in the classified ads
                                                                              of the Edmonson News, Brownsville, Ky.

"in real time" – submitted by Fred Dean
"in the wake of" – submitted by Len Zanger

(both contributors pointed out that everything that happens
 happens "in real time," and "in the wake of" something else)

Bob Dylan, 70
Annette, Cecile and Yvonne Dionne, 77 (Emelie and Marie are deceased)

Kate Gosselin was court-ordered to pay $10,000 to a marri-
age counselor who said she flew  from  Pennsylvania  to  Los
Angeles at the octomom's request in 2009 but didn't get paid.
. . .Watermelons on Hunan growth hormone continued to ex-
plode in China. . . . Events at the Brooklyn Folk Festival will
include a banjo toss (not to be confused with a banjo shoot).
... Kirstie Alley finished second in her Dancing with the Stars
competition (a place better than Bristol Palin finished in hers).
.  .  .  Amtrak threw a woman off the train in Salem, Oregon,
who wouldn't quit yapping on her cell phone. . . . A 15-year-
old girl shot her father  with  a  bow  and  arrow  in  Tahuya,
Washington, when he grounded her  and  took away her cell
phone.  .  .  .  A 10-year-old boy dragged a  6-foot  alligator
home from a canal in Rockledge, Florida. . . .  A bar in Dan-
ville, Iowa, was ticketed for mouse racing. . . .  A jail matron
in  Polk  County,  Florida,  was charged with producing child
pornography and other crimes for making two girls,  aged 10
and 17, strip naked and submit to paddlings with a tawse, vi-
deoing the beatings, and sending the video to a man on line....
MSNBC suspended commentator Ed Schultz for 10 days for
calling Dr. Laura  a  "right wing slut"  on his radio show.  .  .  .
NASCAR's Kyle Busch was ticketed for doing 128 in a 45 in
North Carolina ("How did the deputy pull him over?" an edito-
rial asked?) . . . Princess Beatrice' hat sold for $131,279 on e-
Bay (the winning bidder was not identified).

Is it against the law for a teacher to have sex with her students
in a middle college, even if they're over 18?
                                                                        Maybe Guilty at Gallaudet

Softball hotties:






"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

                     

                                                [courtesy the Sun - Weekly World News]


In the next 100 days

Terry Crow wrote Sun 5/15/11 @10:04 PDT:

You have reported a lot of stupid reasons to call 911.  However,
the need for beer is not one of them.  That is a real emergency.

Dennis Ditterline, 38, of Valparaiso, admitted shooting houses and moving cars with  a  BB gun because he was "frustrated with life." . . . Redistricting  left  Republican Congressman Todd Rokita's Indianapolis home 500 yards outside the 4th district he represents  –  but he said he would run for re-election from the 4th  district  anyway  (the  Constitution  says nothing about congressional districts). . . .

Indiana University fans were torn between adopting a bison or a bumpkin
for a sports mascot. . . .

Governor Mitch took 16 stitches to close a head wound caused by a door
that ran into him at a fitness club.
                                                                        [courtesy Associated Press]

Devlin Burke shouted "Sieg heil" as a judge found him guilty of a hate crime for assault outside a gay bar in Covington, and a woman in the courtroom yelled, "Mommy loves you!"                                                     [courtesy AP] A New York man sued the Hunt It All company of Louisville, complaining that he paid it $28,000 for an 18-day African safari on which  he  never saw a lion or a buffalo.               [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Remember when "junior high school"  became  "middle school"?  We  don't,
either.  Know what a "junior college" is?  We thought we did, too.  But now
there will be a "Middle College" in Madison County, Kentucky.

                                                            [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

"I’m convinced of an international plot.  Everyone knows his weakness
 is seduction, women.  That’s how they got him."
                                                                               – Michelle Sabban, a French government
                                                                                  supporter of Dominique Strauss-Kahn

"The world looks at a conflict that has grinded on and on . . . ."
                                                                                                            – President Obama

Redundancies that need a nap:                        "It is what it is" Birthdays: Al Franken, 60 Cher, 65 Sadaharu Oh, 71 Enya, 50 Borf's weekly BONUS:

A deputy sheriff called police and demanded to see employees' driver's licenses when they got  his  wife's  cheeseburger  order wrong at a Burger King in Lakeland, Florida. . . .Marshalltown High School in Iowa was giving wake-up telephone calls to ha- bitually tardy pupils. .  .  . Elsa Sallard, a barista at a Starbucks in El Paso, Texas, claimed she was fired for being a dwarf (sor- ry,  exact height not given,  and no pix released). . . . Brittni Ni- cole Colleps, a 27-year-old high school teacher in Fort Worth, Texas,  was arrested for having sex with five of her male pupils – but,  they're  all  18.  . . .  A study commissioned by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops  attributed the wave of sexual abuse by priests to the sexual revolution of the 1960's ("Blame it on the Stones"). . . .  A Chesapeake City, Maryland, man fi- nally was arrested  after dialing 911 for a 17th ambulance ride to Elkton to buy drugs. . . . A Michigan man who won $2 mil- lion in the state lottery nearly a year ago  was still getting food stamps. . . . A man in line at a bank in Columbus, Ohio, com- plied with a request to remove his hood  but went ahead  and robbed the bank. . . .The editors of Tabloid Headlines placed a telephone call to the International Space Station, but the line was busy.

                            [courtesy Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

What do you make of this?


                              
                                                                                         Mystified in Minneapolis

Not a hottie, Not a honey, But here's her beauty: She's pretty funny. By the way,  that's the April 30 Lu- ann strip.  See April 21 for context: –>

:




"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

                                                                                                                                            [courtesy Strange Times]

• Riddled by disease
• Had one year to live
  

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 5/8/11 @17:50 EDT:

Prince William's bride was commissioned a Kentucky Colonel?
At last a title we can figure out.

But there's another Kate Middleton, from Kentucky, who did not get the
honor.  In fact, Facebook took her down as an impostor.  – Editor


Publius Leget wrote Sun 8 May 2011 @10:07:36 CDT:

Who are all these weirdos you list as guest speakers at your
Weekly World News Round Table every Sunday?

Unlike most of the spammers listed in "unopened e-mail" of the week,
all the Weekly World News Round Table guests are real people.   A
majority are public radio correspondents and reporters  (although to-
day's are a professor and one of his graduate assistants).  For  proof,
and as a service to our readers, we have begun providing links to the
names of guests too obscure for quick recognition.   – Ed.

The Fort Wayne Memorial Coliseum was taking bids on curtains to
hide empty seats  – nine years after $34.5 million was spent to raise
the roof and add 2,000 seats.
                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

The principal of a Jeffersonville grade school,  once opposed to "char-
ter schools"  as a threat to public schools,  but now removed from her
job because of a drop in her school's standardized-test scores, has an-
nounced plans to form a charter school.

                                              [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Luxury box fans at the Kentucky Oaks,  the day before the Derby  at
Churchill Downs, had to wait in line 45 minutes to get mint juleps. . . .

The Sons of Confederate Veterans have applied for Kentucky, which
was a slave state but not a Confederate state,  to  issue  a specialty li-
cense plate bearing the Stars and Bars. . . .

              

                                                             [courtesy Courier-Journal]

A deaf University of Kentucky football fan sued to force the posting of
captions on the stadium scoreboard  of all announcements made on the
public address system, including play and penalty calls and lyrics to mu-
sic  (similar suits have gained traction against Ohio State University and
the National Football League's Washington Redskins).
                                                                                       [courtesy AP]

A 17-year-old boy shot himself in the leg at a funeral for a 19-year-old
friend who had been gunned down outside a bar in Lexington,  when a
.22-caliber pistol he had tucked in his pants discharged accidentally.

                                                   [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

"Yes, it improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary
  for medical reasons."
                                                                                – Bristol Palin

"Our deportation of criminals are up about 70 per cent.  Our deportation
 of noncriminals are down."
                                                                                        – President Obama

"It's a no-brainer not to take the light rail."
                                                                       – Sherry Palmer, light rail commuter in Denver, Colorado

"It means you believe in slavery."
                                                            – Senator Rand Paul, re belief in public health care

"I will vocally resist this and characterize it for what it is."

                                                                     – Kentucky State Senator Gerald Neal, re the
                                                                        proposed license plate with Confederate flag

"Let's just call apples 'oranges'."
                                                       – Madry Chlopak

"I will fumingly resist this."
                                               – Jeanetta Girard

Perttu Kivilaakso, 33
Vanessa Williams, 48
Shohreh Aghdashloo, 59
Billy Swan, 69
K. T. Oslin, 70
Lainie Kazan, 70 (or 69 or 71)
Donovan, 65

The Associated Press filed a Freedom of Information Act
request for all photos and video shot in the raid on Osama
bin Laden's compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan. . . . Am-
erican Indians objected to the code name Geronimo given
to bin Laden. ... Last year's cholera outbreak in Haiti was
blamed on improper disposal of UN troops' feces. ... Ad-
visers to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad were  arrested  for  sor-
cery in a rift with the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. . . . Two i-
mams were taken off a Delta airliner in Memphis, Tennes-
see, because the pilot found their garb a comfort risk. . . .
A teacher in Memphis  who had posted on her Facebook
page  the  sigh "Teaching high school students what not to
do or how to do it without  getting  caught  :-)" was arres-
ted for having sex with two male students. .  .  .  A boy in
Oak Park, Illinois, was arrested for posting sexual  ratings
of girls in his high school on Facebook,  and  printing  and
circulating hundreds of copies of the list at school. . . .Two
13-year-old boys were kicked off the school bus in Canal
Winchester, Ohio,  for farting (repeat offense). . . . A man
who would not get off the tracks stopped a train  in Madi-
sonville,  Ohio,  and then mooned it. . . .  A British climber
tweeted from the top of Mount Everest. . . . An Australian
soccer player whose  gelled Mohawk  haircut  was ruled a
danger was ousted from the field. . . .  A 65-year-old man
called 911 for beer in Bridgeport, Connecticut. . . . A can-
nibal in Kysak, Slovakia,who sought suicide volunteers on
the  internet  was wounded in a gun battle with police. .  .  .
Bristol Palin denied that recent jaw surgery,  narrowing her
face and raising her cheekbones,  was  cosmetic. .  .  . The
Houston Press published a  list,  with mug shots,  of the ten
hottest female sex offenders in Texas. . . .  Slutwalking was
sweeping the world.

 
  Magdalena Ivasecko and Sierra Chevy Harris at the first Toronto SlutWalk,
   called  after a policeman told students they should not dress like sluts if they
   did not want to be sexually assaulted.                                          [AP photo]
 
[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

The comics – caricatures of Muammar (sp.?) Ghadafi (sp.?) by Libyan youth (courtesy National Public Radio):



but are they any funnier than the real thing?

                                                                              [courtesy Poynter.org – there's more]

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 5/1/11 @10:24 PDT re the
Kentuckian who built a car that runs on bourbon:

A giant step forward in the search for alternative, do-
mestic energy sources.

Well, may-be.  But that's corn liquor, you know.   Have you
heard how "biofuels" are driving up food prices?   And  now,
more than ever, we fear, the price of whiskey. But at least he
brings fresh meaning to the expression "getting tanked." – Ed.


Dusty Hopkins wrote Thurs 4/28/11 @13:33 CDT:

Who is editing the spelling in Tabloid Headlines?
"Strait and narrow"?

"Strait"  is  correct.  The expression comes from the Sermon
on the Mount:  "Because strait is the gate,  and narrow is the
way, which leadeth unto life . . ." (Matt.7:14).  But that's not
redundant;  it's a poetic description of two different things as
narrow,  with  different words  (it's not because it's in the Bi-
ble, as our li'l Baptist chippie Jeanetta would have us believe,
that it's not redundant).

What happened, unfortunately, is that people took the Biblical
passage out of context to create the phrase "the strait and nar-
row,"  which is redundant.  And then some mistook "strait" for
"straight," giving the phrase a whole new meaning (if any), with-
out context or content.

("Strait" as a noun – sometimes  "straits,"  also  singular –  is a
narrow passage of water connecting two larger bodies of wat-
er – e.g., Bering Strait, Straits of Gibraltar.  As an adverb and
adjective,  it's a synonym for "narrow," or "confined" or "strict":
"strait-laced," "strait jacket.")
                                                                                  – Editor


Tracy Collins wrote Sun 5/1/11 8:57 CDT:

Thanks for the updates – was having a rough morning and
now I'm feeling ever-so-much better.   It's always refresh-
ing to know that no matter how crazy my own life is, there
is some dumb ass out there humiliating himself   for  my  a-
musement.

Senator Richard Lugar said the death of Osama bin Laden was wel-
come news. . . .

A frigid methane lake on Saturn's giant moon  Titan  was named Lake
Freeman after the northern Indiana lake where one of the moon lake's
discoverers, NASA's Robert Brown, vacationed as a child.

                                                                [courtesy Associated Press]

Rosie Napravnik (right), jockey aboard Pants on Fire, did not win the Kentucky Derby. . . . Governor Stevie caught hell from fellow Democrats, including prominent African-Americans, for not wel- coming President Obama to Fort Campbell,  which the President visited to welcome troops home from Afghanistan in the wake of the slaying of Osama bin Laden. The Governor instead kept the annual tradi- tion of attending the Kentucky Oaks,  a race for fil- lies the day before the Kentucky Derby. . . . Laurie  LaPenta  (right),  wife of the owner of Derby favorite Dialed In (who didn't win), won first prize in the prettiest horsey woman at the Derby and Kirstie Alley lookalike contests.                   [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Jordin Sparks,  2007 American Idol winner,  desecrated the National Anthem at the
Derby – but not as sorrily as Christina Aguilera did at the Super Bowl. . . .

Senator Rand Paul praised the Bush and Obama administrations for hunting down and
killing Osama bin Laden.
                                                                                                                    [courtesy AP]

Kate Middleton was commissioned a Kentucky Colonel.

                            [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader, St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times]



University of Louisville Marching Band percussionists Andrew Edel (left) and Peter
Anderson at Kentucky Derby Festival's Pegasus Parade.

                                                                [photo by Matt Stone, Courier-Journal]

"If this means there is one less death in the future, then I’m glad for that; but I just can’t
 find it in me to be glad one more person is dead, even if it is Osama bin Laden."

                                                                                            – Harry Waizer, a 9/11 survivor

"We shouldn't revel in revenge."
                                                        – Tom Brokaw

"Revenge is sweet to the tongue, but bitter to digest."
                                                                                           – Tarzan

"The report of my death was an exaggeration."
                                                                               – Mark Twain

"The report of Eleanor Roosevelt's death is an exaggeration."
                                                                                                   – John E. Stempel,  late Indiana
                                                                                                      University journalism professor

"The report of Elvis' death is an exaggeration."
                                                                           – commentators and impersonators too numerous to list

"The report of Princess Diana's death is an exaggeration."
                                                                                               – modern journalists and philosophers

"The report of my death was an exaggeration."
                                                                               – Osama bin Laden,  on a re-
                                                                                  cording soon to be released

"With my rifle, I will fight for my country."
                                                                            – Muammar Qaddafi (sp.?)

" . . . focus on, among other things . . . ."
                                                                    – Steve Inskeep, National Public Radio

Mary Hopkin, 61
Stella Parton, 62
Bob Seger, 66
Willie Mays, 80

The FBI removed the name of Osama bin Laden from its list
of 10 most wanted fugitives. ... The New York Times, which
normally calls everybody  "Mr.,"  referred to the deceased as
merely  "Bin Laden." . . . A high school teacher in a Houston,
Texas, suburb was suspended for asking a Muslim student  if
she was grieving because her uncle had died. . . .  A flag flew
at half-staff at a Hampton Inn in Springfield,Ohio, because of
a broken rope inside the pole;  and two dozen town residents
called to complain, including a woman who asked if the own-
ers were from Iraq, Iran or Pakistan (not).  .  .  .  A 19-year-
old man was found in his bedroom in Charleston, West Virgi-
nia, in bra and panties with a neighbor's dead goat. . . .  A ju-
venile petition was filed on a 6-year-old boy in Grant County,
Wisconsin,  who had played  "butt doctor"  with a 5-year-old
girl and grabbed his teen-aged baby sitters' breasts.  .  . . The
Large Hadron Collider was reported to have found the  "God
particle." . . .  Daniel Day-Lewis will play Abe and Sally Field
will play Mary Todd in a Spielberg film about Lincoln. . . .  A
10-foot alligator chomped  a  Sheriff's  cruiser  in  Gainesville,

 
Florida (and,  there's video). . . . Vigilantes in Oklahoma City
tattooed "RAPEST" on the forehead of an 18-year-old retar-
ded man they believed to be preying on little boys.  .  .  .  Jim
McGreevey, who had resigned as governor of New Jersey in
2004 saying he had cheated on his wife with a man, was turn-
ed down for the Episcopal priesthood – not for being gay, an
insider said,  "but for being a jackass." . . . India and Pakistan
both allowed transsexuals to list themselves as "other" on iden-
tity cards, and Pakistan created a distinct category for eunuchs.
. . . A crack customer in North Charleston, South Carolina, di-
aled 911 when he was short-changed (he was arrested, but the
dealer got away).  . . .  An Oregon woman woke up from oral
surgery with a British accent. . . .Mikey Poland, 18, was arres-
ted for disorderly conduct for floating down the river on an ice
floe in Fairbanks, Alaska, while talking on a cell phone.

  

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Paul Mallia, 55 (right), and Donald Poe, 68, were arrested for armed robbery at a McDonald's drive-through in Palmetto, Florida. [Sarasota Herald-Tribune]

Is Osama bin Laden really dead?
                                                        Scared in Sacramento

  Robin Lawler Pavia (left), of Stamford,  and her sister, Judi Lawler Hasak, of Stam-
  ford, note the remarkable similarity between the wedding dress each had worn to the
  dress worn by Kate Middleton for the royal wedding.   The sisters' mother,  Hedwig
  Kryswicka Lawler, had picked out the dress

• Actress stands in at royal wedding
• MI-5 sends out APB for Kate
  

• Druggie,
  
• Stripper,
• Cross-dresser
• and more                 

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 4/24/11 @14:32 PDT:

From the pitture at my church I knowd that  Jesus  was blond,
but how come ten of the twelve apostles shown in your pitture
of the last supper are blond?  That ain't right.  Them was Jews.

Two bodies wrapped in plastic were found in a 10-foot-high pile of
horse manure at a stable in Gary. . . .

Coyotes kidnapped a pet miniature pinscher in St. John, also in Lake
County. . . .

Forty starving llamas and forty llama carcasses were found on a farm
in Huntington County. . . .

A woman trying to get to the Horseshoe Casino on the flooded Ohio
River drove around a barricade  and  into water up to the roof of her
car (she was rescued).
                                                             [courtesy Associated Press]

A Bardstown man built a car powered by bourbon.

                                                                 [courtesy spyce.com]

The Louisville "dance rock band" Uh-Huh Baby Yeah! entered the
competition to open at Hard Rock's  Battle of the Bands 2011  in
London (i.e., London, England).

                                            [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"I want to see the original long-form certificate of Donald Trump's
 Republican registration."
                                            – Senator Rand Paul

"It's the worst name in the world.  The only person that had a dumber name
 than me was the Fresh Prince."
                                                         – Kid Rock

"It really forces the insurgents to resupply theirselves."
                                                                                     – Lt. Col. James Vizzard,  U.S. Army
                                                                                        battalion commander in Afghanistan

"There is empirical data . . . ."
                                                    – Alan Kaplinsky, attorney for the American                                                                                                   Bankers Association, at the Supreme Court

Uma Thurman, 41
Bobby Rydell, 69
Duane Eddy, 73

Phoebe Snow, 60
Hazel Dickens, 75

A "Don't say gay" bill, making it illegal for teachers to discuss
any sexual behavior other than hetero before the ninth grade,
cleared a state senate committee in Tennessee. . . . Husband-
and-wife teachers in Huntington Beach,  California,  aged 62
and 59, were arrested for diddling a 17-year-old boy. . . .Li-
Lo was bailed out in hours.  . . .  A Philadelphia pornography
purveyor acquired the rights to more than 1,700,000 toll-free
telephone numbers including 1-800-CADILLAC and 1-800-
WORSHIP. . . . President Obama published the  "long form"
of his birth certificate  (the story gathered 40,278 user "com-
ments" on Yahoo! news in less than 24 hours) – but "birthers"
still had questions.  .  .  .  New York led the states in 2010 in
government benefits per capita; West Virginia was second....
A 7-foot alligator surprised a woman in her bathroom in Pal-
metto, Florida,  after gaining access to the house by a doggie
door. . . . An 18-year-old man walking on all fours in a cow
costume shoplifted 26 gallons of milk at a Wal-Mart in Staf-
ford, Virginia. .  .  .  A vacant house in distress called 911 in
Marblehead, Massachusetts. . . .A man walked into a Chris-
tian radio station in Orlando, Florida, masturbated,  and sex-
ually assaulted the announcer as  she  read  morning  prayers
(her listeners called 911). . . .Governor Perry called for three
days of prayer to end a drought and wildfires in Texas.

A police sergeant convicted of exposing himself at a Sears in
Cincinnati, Ohio, said he had unzipped in an attempt to deter-
mine who would advise him that his zipper was down.

[courtesy Los Angeles Times, U.S.A. Today, AP, Harper's
         Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure Store Reading Room]

I am 9 years old.  I'm just starting to use the inter-
net,  and I don't understand some of the terms.   I
know what "BFF" and "LOL" mean,  but what is
"WTF"?
                                                           Little Clara