June 26, 2011:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Thorn from Jesus' crown
    carries deadly curse

    Visitors to Stonyhurst College exhibit suffer painful wounds

                                                                                                         [courtesy the Sun]


DNA  tests  reveal
Harry's real father
        Shocking lookalike photos
                   of Di's lover


                                 [courtesy National Examiner]


Husband fakes mugging to pacify wife
              Lied about having tickets to Oprah's last show

                                                           [courtesy the Sun - Weekly World News]




The
National
Enquirer
published
this photo of
Congressman
Anthony
Weiner,
said to
have been
taken by a
classmate
at SUNY
Plattsburgh
in 1982



LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Tony Dean wrote from Elgin, Ill., Sun 6/19/11 @10:10 CDT:
I find Lisa Autry's voice to be  charmingly  Southern,  e-
specially in an age when the standard radio voice is bor-
ingly  Midwestern,  and threatens to wipe away regional
accents.

Perhaps you can use your good offices to entice WFMT to lure
her charm to Chicago, where she could be the "cinter" of "attin-
tion"  (as she would say – in  this  sound  clip  she discusses the
"spinding" plans under "impordent" consideration  by the "giner-
al assimbly"  in "Jinuary,"  and the "sinator" who is a thorn in the
sides of  "Dimocrats" – and you can hear about the "timpatures"
in the "cintral" time zone). We down here in the Southern sticks,
starved for proper diction, could be spared.

Ms. Autry's "accint,"  by the way,  is  not  Southern.  People in
Tennessee do not say "Tinnissee,"  as she does;  and Southern-
ers do not say "reddio,"  which is the  opposite  of  a drawl of
"radio."    Her  "reddio"  is the result of omission of the second
tone of the diphthong that forms  the  long  A  sound.  WBUR-
Boston's Monica Brady-Myerov,  an Ivy League college grad-
uate,  shows the same lazy speech in a promo of the public ra-
dio show Here & Now,  calling it a  "delly"  news  digest  (for
daily, not for deli).  Southerners  say  "ray-EE-dio" and "day-
EE-lee,"  repeating the second tone of the diphthong.

Lisa  Autry's  accent  might  be  Hoosier  (they say "crick" for
"creek"  in  Indiana,  but  not  in  Kentucky).  We  don't  know
where she came from.  But at least she doesn't stutter, like Re-
ne Montagne
.
                                                                                    – Editor



Betty Stewart wrote June 16, 2011 (in a letter to the editor of the
Edmonson News,  Brownsville, Ky.,  not to the editor of Tabloid
Headlines):

I would like to express my opinion concerning "umpires" for
the Little League games at the ballpark on Hwy. 70.
   It ap-
pears that these umpires don't know very much about base-
ball.    This is not fair to the little ones that suffer in this heat
and/or  the parents  that pay money to get their child  on  a
team, spend their time at the park,  and use their gas taking
them to practice and games.

Dumb news from Indiana
:
A 26-year-old Amish man from Milroy who sent more than 600
"sext" messages
to a 12-year-old girl was  arrested  arriving  by
horse and buggy
for a date with her in Connersville.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky
:
Bob Farmer,  Democratic nominee for state agriculture commissioner
and self-styled humorist from Louisville, caught flak for a video on his
personal web site making fun of Eastern Kentuckians (e.g., "The FBI
don't do any work there  because all the DNA's alike  and there ain't
no dental records").  If Farmer's video is no longer on YouTube,  an
excerpt of it from his opponent's attack ad may still be; and there's a
display of the attack ad here, too.

                                                 [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Ann Bailey, a "behavior analyst" in Covington who lost 42 pounds in the
100 days before her wedding last year, was profiled in Brides magazine
sharing her seven weight loss lessons:  (1) Don't diet,  (2) don't deprive,
(3) find variety, (4) find accountability,  (5) don't leave it to chance,  (6)
know your triggers, and (7) stay full  (our advice columnist,  Dear Jean-
etta,  offered a one-step lesson:  Don't eat so much).

                                                             [courtesy Cincinnati Enquirer]

A man was knocked off a bridge into the Ohio River at Covington when
his car ran out of gas, another driver stopped to help,  and a third car hit
the second car  (he did not survive).
                                                                                         [courtesy AP]

Quotation of the week
:

"I know the computer is dangerous to everyone.  It brings the devil in the house."

                                                              
Vicku Hodja, a sympathetic former consti-
                                                                 
tuent of Congressman Anthony Weiner

Quotations of the weak:
"The final version of the guidelines are expected by the end of the year."

                                                                    – Yuki Noguchi, National Public Radio news

"He told me that he felt that there was a 90 per cent chance that he wouldn't make it
 out alive.  Now whether that was based on a premonition that he had, or whether it
 was based on his knowledge of what lied ahead, I don't know."

                                                                    – Toni  Kay,  mother of Christopher Fish-
                                                                       back, an American soldier killed in Iraq


"We're aware that our vast age difference is extremely controversial, but we're very
 much in love and want to get the message out that true love can be ageless."

                                – actor Doug Hutchison, 51, and his bride, Courtney Alexis Stodden, 16

Redundancies that need a nap"PIN number"


"There's an app for that!"
If you think your woman is running around,  the "stink
app" is just what you need.    With one touch you can
put a stink on her, wherever she is, that is so repellent
no man will touch her.

Next:  The "limp app."

Birthdays:
Frances McDormand, 54
Cyndi Lauper, 58
Meryl Streep, 62
Lindsay Wagner, 62
Chuck Robb, 72
Pooja Umashankar, 30
Ziggy, 40

Borf's weekly BONUS:
A woman was arrested for kicking and hitting a fireman try-
ing to force her from  her  burning  home  in Wesley Chapel,
Florida,  and yelling at him,  "Fuck  you!  I'm looking for my
cat!" . . . Dusty, a 5-year-old cat adopted from the Humane
Society, has pilfered hundreds of gloves,  towels,  shoes and
swimsuits in his neighborhood
in San Mateo,  California. . . .
Police in Shelby,Ohio, found a bestiality book (Dearest Pet)
and  a blow-up plastic sheep  in the apartment of a dog sitter
accused of having sex with three dogs and a horse.  .  .  .  A
rabbinical court in Jerusalem  sentenced  a  dog  to death by
stoning  for harboring the spirit of a deceased irreverent law-
yer. . . . Bristol Palin calls Levi Johnston a "gnat" in her mem-
oir just published. . . . Not wanting his girl friend to leave him,
a man lay under the car carrying her away in Orange County,
Florida – and got run over. .  .  .  The number 39 on a license
plate became the sign of a pimpmobile  in  Afghanistan.  .  .  .
Portland, Oregon, emptied a reservoir of 7.8 million gallons of
water after a man peed in it. .  .  .  A 7-year-old boy drove his
stepfather's car more than 20 miles,  at  speeds  up to 50 miles
an hour, to visit his father in Filion, Michigan. .  .  . France was
building two warships for Russia.
. . .  Lindsay Lohan was chi-
ded but not sanctioned by her judge for having rooftop parties
while under house arrest.
        [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]


Dear Jeanetta:
Can I use the remote from home to lock my wife's car doors
when she pulls in to the Wal-Mart parking lot?
                                                                            Going Broke in Birmingham
Dear Broker:
                            You'll need to disable the manual locks. Call
                            Click & Clack (or go to appsRus.com).


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Donetta Trim" titled
    "ForMannyYears,DepsresionAnnddOtherDisoderersOfMoodWereThouhghtTooBeAfflictitoonsOfOnlyAdluts."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Betty Stewart  and
William Reconsider Shipp Slipp
.





"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



June 19, 2011:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:



Dying ex-lover Randolph Cook says:
 
Drug-crazed Oprah
  craved kinky sex

                                           [courtesy National Enquirer]


Kirstie's new eating binge
        packs on 12 lbs. in 12 days after losing at Dancing with the Stars

                                                                                                [courtesy National Enquirer]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Peter Bontrager wrote Mon 13 June 2011 @13:45:26 EDT:
Why was last week's item about not playing  "The Star Spang-
led Banner" at sporting events at Goshen College presented as
"dumb news" from Indiana?    I heard about that also on public
radio
,  and I think it's pretty smart.

Gee, sorry.  We don't have a "smart news from Indiana" column. – Ed.

Dumb news from Indiana:
Secretary of State Charlie White's mother  announced plans to sue
Hamilton County prosecutors for emotional distress over her ques-
tioning before a grand jury that indicted her son for vote fraud (and
White asked a judge to rule
that his testimony before a state panel
considering whether he should remain in office be barred from use
against him in the criminal case). . . .

A 10-year-old girl  was  abducted  while riding her bicycle in Tipton
and was rescued five hours later,  but by then her great-grandmother
was reported missing. . . .

Eight semitrailers were involved in a chain reaction crash on I-70 near
Terre Haute.
. . .

An 8-year-old boy shot his 9-year-old sister in the leg with a pistol in
Clay County.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A 12-year-old in a group of boys ringing doorbells
and running was shot in the back by a homeowner
in Louisville, with a shotgun. . . .

Chad Meadows, a Vine Grove Elementary School
teacher, was arrested for propositioning a 13-year-
old girl on Facebook. . . .

Gatewood Galbraith, a pothead lawyer and peren-
nial candidate for governor, asked a circuit court to
allow printed signatures on his petition for  a  place
on  the  ballot  ("They don't teach cursive in school
any more," he remarked.) . . .

  Gatewood  (right)  with
  editor of Tabloid Head-
  lines at Kentucky Book
  Fair, 2006     (Kaginphoto)




Two homosexuals and the rest of their mentally retarded group were kicked out of
a public swimming pool in Hazard for hugging each other,  and preachers and other
Bible thumpers spoke out against a "fairness" ordinance for homosexuals at a hear-
ing in Berea (above).

                           [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal (Berea photo by Peter Smith)]

The NCAA asked the University of Kentucky to apologize  for celebrating basketball
coach John Calipari's 500th career victory last season – since 42 of those victories, at
the universities of Massachusetts and Memphis, were "taken away" from him  in  disci-
plinary actions.
                                                                        [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Quotations of the week
:

"They could do worse, and probably will."
                                                                    – Thomas B. Reed, Speaker of the House,
                                                                       when asked about the prospects of his
                                                                       nomination for the Presidency in 1896


"
I'm waiting for the word that LeBron James' puppy has run away back to
  Akron with the mailman."
                                                           – Rick Bozich, in the Courier-Journal


Quotations of the weak:
"The two best revivals, the musical Anything Goes and the play The Normal Heart,
 each captured three TONY's apiece."
                                                                – Jeff London, National Public Radio News

"Have some lay-affs . . . on a Purr-rair-ie Home Companion . . .  on public reddio."

                                                            – Lisa Autry, WKYU-FM radio, Bowling Green, Ky.
                                                                   (you have to hear this sound clip to believe it)

Redundancies that need a nap"fruit tree orchard"
  (Peter Kenyon, National Public Radio news)


Birthdays:
Barry Manilow, 68
Paul McCartney, 69
Nilsson, 70
Boy George, 50
Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen, 25

Borf's weekly BONUS:
Two thousand protesters including bikers disrupted aWestboro
Baptist Church demonstration at a marine's funeral in Nashville,
Tennessee. . . . Eight zebras escaped from a farm near Browns-
ville, Tennessee. .  .  .  Presidential candidate Herman Cain said
he would not sign any bill longer than three pages. . . .
Muammar
Qaddafi's daughter sued NATO. . . . Fake eviction notices were
posted on Detroit homes by a group opposed to eminent domain
for a new bridge. . . . A mosaic of the Virgin of Guadalupe riding
a  surfboard,  put up in an underpass in the middle of the night by
artists  costumed as construction workers,  begat a graffiti debate
in Encinitas, California. . . . Tacos made of grasshoppers and tor-
tillas imported from Oaxaca, Mexico,  were banned in San Fran-
cisco. .  .  . Leona Helsmley's dog died,  leaving the residue of his
$2 million to charity.  . . .  A 23-year-old man in Hooksett,  New
Hampshire,  faked a brain injury  to recruit a nurse to come to his
home to change his diapers. .  .  . A woman called 911 in Savan-
nah, Georgia, to report that a restaurant got her order wrong. . . .
An  armed  robber  at a Family Dollar store  in  Fort Lauderdale,
Florida,  paid  $1  for a pack of gum when cashiers told him they
couldn't open the cash register without a purchase. . . .  Brothers
in Sheboygan,Wisconsin, aged 32 and 27, were arrested for figh-
ting over a bottle of shampoo in their mother's home, where they
lived,  and sisters in their 60's living together in Plainfield,  Illinois,
wound up in court fighting over the thermostat setting. . . . A cou-
ple purchased a house for $180,000 in Rexburg, Idaho, to find it
infested with thousands of garter snakes when they moved in. . . .
A motorist was bitten by a rattlesnake he stopped to move off the
road in Tuckerton, New Jersey.  . . .  A dead fawn on a utility line
caused a power outage in Montana. . . . The photo of a senior on-
to whose smile had been photoshopped  two  gold  teeth  was cut
out of the high school yearbook in Saratoga Springs,  New York,
on the insistence of her father and lawyer  and with the permission
of another senior whose photo appeared opposite hers on the oth-
er side of the page. . . . A University of New Mexico football play-
er was barred from a flight in San Francisco and  ultimately  arrest-
ed after refusing to pull up his saggy pants.  .  .  .  On a history test
given to 12,400 high school seniors nationwide,  only  2  per  cent
knew what the case of Brown vs. Board of Education was  about,
even after being given an excerpt of  the  Supreme  Court  opinion
stating "separate educational facilities are inherently unequal."  .  .  .
Lady GaGa's meat dress  went on display at the Rock 'n' Roll Hall
of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio (after being treated for some dehydra-
tion that had made it look like a large piece of beef jerky). . . . The
Tennessee Valley Authority agreed to operate half a dozen "minia-
ture" nuclear power plants at Oak Ridge.
[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Snopes, Obscure, N.Y. Times, WPLN, AP]


The sports:
Bethanie Mattek-Sands,  of
Amer'ca,  showed up for the
Wimbledon tournament play-
ers party in a tennis ball dress
designed by Alex Noble, who
has done things for Lady Ga-
Ga. . . .

The Michigan State - Universi-
ty  of  North Carolina  football
game this fall will be played, on
Veterans Day, aboard the USS
Carl Vinson,  the aircraft carrier
from which Osama bin Laden's
body was dumped.


Dear Jeanetta:
Why is Tiger Woods on crutches?
                                                            Sports fan in Ohio
Dear Sport:
                          His mistress' mistress beat him up.


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Erica Barry"
        titled "Howzy."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Lisa Autry.




"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



June 12, 2011:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Anorexia shocker!
             William's bride Kate
             40 lbs. under weight


                                      [courtesy the Globe]

New fears of anorexia and heroin relapse
   Angelina 99 lbs.!


                                                              [courtesy the Star]



Just days before he's indicted 
  John Edwards dumped by mistress!


                                                                        [courtesy National Enquirer]


Bear teaches itself to read

                                [courtesy the Sun - Weekly World News]


Do you know more than Palin?

                                                           [courtesy Indianapolis Star]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:

Henry Velenosi wrote Tues 6/7/11 @ 17:02 PDT re last week's
question about the possible redundancy of "gays and lesbians":

I've been thinking about this since Sunday.   As a member of the GLBT
community  [gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender,  a/k/a LGBT]  I have a
couple of theories.
 
1.  When homosexuality started becoming a national issue  (rather than a
quick trip to a rest stop)  in the early 1970's the women's movement was
also very strong. I think the ladies didn't want to take the chance of being
called Gayettes or Gayenne's (Gayatrix?).
 
2.  Many lesbians are strong and manly,  even some of the most beautiful
(and there are many who are beautiful).  I think they may have been a lit-
tle offended by the "sissy" image of gay men.
 
3.  We may have refused to accept them.   We can be  very,  very  picky.
Let's admit it.  Dykes on Bikes do not have the greatest fashion sense.

Rachel wrote Sun 5 June 2011 @13:09:34 CDT re last week's
question about the redundancy of "gays and lesbians":
It's just not politically correct to associate us with those limp-wristed faggots.
It's "Man up, bitch!" for dykes.  You know?  Got it?

Dumb news from Indiana:

Former Governor and Senator Evan Bayh was hired  by  the  U.S.
Chamber of Commerce to assist promotion of ways to cut govern-
ment regulations – but he denied that he had become a lobbyist. . . .

Deaf people were howling about Governor Mitch's appointment of
three members to the board of the Indiana School for the Deaf who
are affiliated with an organization  opposed to American Sign Lang-
uage.
                                                             [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Goshen College, a 1,000-student Mennonite school, decided to a-
bandon "The Star Spangled Banner" at sporting events, after a one-
year trial.
                                                             [courtesy Associated Press]

A student wearing a hooded sweatshirt and latex gloves  sneaked a
blow-up sex doll into a girls' restroom at Rushville High School and
was taken away in handcuffs as a bombing suspect.

                                                    [courtesy WGN, WALB, WTHR]

Dumb news from Kentucky:

A black woman attorney from Lexington  was  arrested for public in-
toxication when she took her biracial child to a public swimming pool
in Clay County, in eastern Kentucky,  and  was  subjected to a body
cavity search at the jail (the charge was dismissed,  and she has sued
the jailer and two deputies).
                                                                                     [courtesy AP]

Included  among  the  136 graduates of Edmonson County High School
this year (as they appeared in the local paper – some of the names were
too long to fit in one line) were:

James Thonie Dakota But-
    ler
Shaune Thomas Conner
Shiloah Britten Crawford
Lea-Anne Herald
Rodney Asa James
    Hoffman
Jean-Luc Alexander
    Houchin
Aleah Beth Hughes
Silas Whitney Dakota
    Kinser

Brittany Montanna
    McGrew
Johnathon Cody Meredith
Kacy Rhea Miller
Kailee Marie Hiles Minton
Reinik Deniel Pidgeon
Michael Christopher
    Reeves
Dimitri Josephlee Jamar
    Wilson
Orbay Lee Wilson
    The class included also two Caitlyns, a Katelynn, two Kaitlyns, and
    a Katlyn (another resident of the County,  Chaundra Jones Vincent,
    graduated summa cum laude from Western Kentucky University).
                                                                  [courtesy Edmonson News]

Quotations of the week
:

"It was perhaps the most beautiful punch I ever threw,  a short left hook  coming
 from the body and rising to strike him flush in the right temple.  Whenever I con-
 nected with such power and precision,  a  tingling  sensation similar to an electric
 shock traveled directly from my hand to my shoulder.  It was a tremendous feel-
 ing,  and one every fighter feels when he lands the perfect shot."
                                                                                                        – Sugar Ray Leonard


"It's unclear whether the cucumber infected the people or the people infected the
 cucumber."
                                
German health official Holger Peach, speaking of an E. coli-con-
                                     taminated cucumber
found in a sick Saxony couple's compost

"Trying to make any sense of the hard-right Republican vendetta against Planned
 Parenthood is like sending a reconciliation commission to meet with the Hatfields
 and McCoys."
                                                                        – Dan Carpenter, The Indianapolis Star


Quotations of the weak:
"This is one of those 'You can't count your chickens before they've hatched' moments."

                                                                                    – Maya MacGuineas, of the Center
                                                                                       for a Responsible Federal Budget

"We need to incentivize here."
                                                      Sarah Palin, in a gubernatorial e-mail

Redundancies that need a nap"Arizona's eastern border with New Mexico"
                                                  (Dave Mattingly, National Public Radio News)


Birthdays:
Anna Kournikova, 30
Ally Sheedy, 49
Soraya Khashoggi, 71
Joo Gilberto, 80
George Bush pre, 87
Prince Philip, 90

Borf's weekly BONUS:
A second Hillary comic book hit the newsstands. . . . Wei-
ner admitted that it was his wiener  and that he sent the pit-
tures.
. . . Heterosexual husbands and wives dropped from
a majority of
couples living together to a minority in  31  of
the 50 states (from 44 to 13)  between the 2000 and 2010
censuses. .  .  .  An Australian senator meowed at a female
colleague. . . .  British intelligence hacked a new Al Qaeda
zine with cupcake recipes.  . . .  A
doctor and 32 pregnant
teenagers were arrested for trafficking in babies in Nigeria.
.  .  .  A Saudi woman was arrested for YouTubing herself
driving a car. . . . A contortionist,  5 feet 10 inches tall and
thin,  curled up in a large suitcase  on  a shuttle bus serving
the  airport  in  Barcelona,  Spain,  and left his bag to steal
from other passengers' luggage. .  .  .  A car struck a 440-
pound bear 25 miles north of Ottawa, Ontario,  sending  it
flying into an oncoming car, killing the driver and passenger
in the second car as it flew through the windshield  and out
the back window (the bear died too). . . . A Houston, Tex-
as, couple took a wrong turn on the way to their daughter's,
also in Houston,  and wound up  in  Florida. .  .  .  Dorothy
Dixon, a special education teacher hired to instruct troubled
teens in Coweta County, Georgia, was charged with having
sex with a 15-year-old male student.





  Latest troubled teacher

                [courtesy Lexington (Ky.) Herald-Leader, Har-
                 per's Weekly, Daily Snopes,
Obscure.com, AP]




Judge Julie Lynch,
who always wears
a dress to work,
refused to use the
stairs at the new
courthouse
in
Columbus, Ohio

[photo by Tom Dodge,
 Columbus Dispatch
]


Dear Jeanetta:

What do you call a married woman who has sex with
an unmarried man?
                                                                   Stephen
Dear Stevie:
                            A teacher.


Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Muffin Zaleskas"
        and "Mohamed Lindsay."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the  near  future  include 
Gretchen Cuda-
Kroen and Lisa Cimperman.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,  "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines – or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)





"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

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Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



June 5, 2011:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines  (this  week's
issue brought to you by the
Libya-NATO Coalition:  "Peo-
ple when you want them,  bombs when you don't"):






     THE OX-FILES
Declassified FBI report reveals
 how aliens mutated livestock

                          [courtesy the Sun - Weekly World News]


Palin walks out on hubby
    Moves into $1.7 million mansion in Arizona

                                                                                          [courtesy the Globe]


Brad & Angie in couples counseling

                                                            [courtesy National Enquirer]



LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Patricia M. wrote Sun 5/29/11 @08:36 PDT:
What woman in America wouldn't want to have sex with five 18-year-old
studs?  Everyone's just envious, that's all.

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 5/29/11 @11:14 PDT:
Excellent summary of Memorial Day vis-a-vis Indianapolis 500 Mile Race.
I hope there won't be a quiz during the discussion group meeting.

Dumb news from Indiana
:
The statue of a torch-bearing
woman atop the Soldiers and
Sailors Monument on the Cir-
cle in Indianapolis was decap-
itated for repairs. . . .

Gary Police Commander Tim-
othy Tatum ordered traffic of-
ficers to issue at least 10 cita-
tions a day each. . . .


Jackson County officials decided they need to replace an 1896
bridge, 36 feet long, over Lahrman Ditch; but they can't destroy
it because it's on a state list of historic bridges.  So they're mov-
ing it to the county fairgrounds in Brownstown. . . .

Two ambulances on separate emergency runs collided at a West
16th Street intersection in Indianapolis a half-hour before the 500
Mile Race. No one was hospitalized except a patient in one of the
vehicles,  who was on her way to the hospital anyway  (she made
the final leg of her journey in a third ambulance).

                           [courtesy Indianapolis Star, Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
An ambulance stolen in Lexington was found in an apartment building
parking lot in Georgetown. . . .

Eric Deters,  a lawyer in Independence, Ky.,  and commentator on
WLW radio  in Cincinnati,  Ohio,  posted a video on his Facebook
page saying, 
"If you want to conquer an African nation,  send white
women and pot," and remarked that every black member of his flag
football team was involved with white women and smoked pot. . . .

Nine Amish men lost their appeal of convictions for failing to display
orange safety triangles on the backs of their buggies. . . .

Carrie Shafer, the Louisville Manual High School teacher found un-
dressed in a car with a 17-year-old boy, was allowed to plead guil-
ty to custodial interference  for three years' probation  (and will not
be required to register as a sex offender).    The first link gives you
some great stills of this buxom hottie, and the second link gives you
a video of the court proceedings as well as the news story. . . .

Two high school sophomores signed letters of intent to play college
basketball for the University of Louisville women's team.

                                    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal, AP
]

Dumb news from Indiana and Kentucky:
In the largest deployment of the Kentucky National Guard  since
World War II,  1,300 troops are being sent to Iraq to help bring
troops home from Iraq  (they'll be trained at Camp Atterbury, in
Indiana, on the way). . . .

A 17-month-old Kentucky boy riding with his parents disappeared
when  their  kayak  overturned  in the Whitewater River in Franklin
County, Indiana.
                                                                                   [courtesy AP]
Quotations of the week:
"We'll find him – bloatin' 'n' floatin'."
                                                             – Franklin County sheriff's deputy Joe Whistelbaum

"I have a name that's easy to make fun of."
                                                                      – Congressman Anthony Weiner


"His mug shot doesn't strike you as that of a responsible,
 working citizen."

                                     – Stephen Ritland, of Flagstaff,
                                        Arizona, speaking of Randon
                                        Reed,  who was arrested  for
                                        shooting  Ritland's  airplane
                                        while it was parked at Deer
                                        Valley Airport  in  Phoenix



                               perp
Quotations of the weak:
"We absolutely want to make clear that the Department of Justice and this office
 prioritizes the investigation and prosecution of civil rights offenses."

                                                                        – David J. Hale, United States Attorney
                                                                           for the Western District of Kentucky


"There has been nearly eleven hundred fire calls in Texas since last November."

                                                                – Dave Mattingly, National Public Radio news

"It's the first day that gay and lesbian couples can apply for civil union licenses in Illinois."

                                                                – Craig Windham, National Public Radio news

                                                            [Putting one little word after another, and does the word
                                                             "gay" now apply only to male homosexuals? – Editor]
Buzz words that need a nap:  "officially"
(Mitt Romney did not "officially" enter the race for the
 Republican nomination for  President,  and  Shaquille
 O'Neal did not make his retirement from professional
 basketball  "official."    Neither is an officer,  and they
 merely made announcements  –  and not in any office,
 public or private.)
Birthdays:
Kenny G, 55
Christina Judd ("Wynonna"), 47
Alanis Morissette, 37

Borf's weekly BONUS:
A photo of a man's bulging underpants was tweeted from
New York Congressman AnthonyWeiner's account  to a
co-ed in Seattle, Washington,  that he had been following
on Twitter. . . . A teen-ager in Hall County, Georgia, was
arrested after his cell phone butt-dialed 911 during a drug
transaction. . . .
Colon cancer awareness billboards in Ya-
kima, Washington, asked, "What's up your butt?"  . . .  A
couple were arrested making love on a  diving  board  30
feet above a public pool in Gainesville, Florida. .  .  .
Sev-
enteen pyramids were discovered  in Egypt.  .  .  .  Police
sent a helicopter to catch a 15-year-old boy  who kicked
a soccer ball through a greenhouse pane in Chalgrove, En-
gland. .  .  . Melissa Gilbert was headed from Little House
on the Prairie to Dancing with the Stars. . . .  Jersey Shore
Snooki lost her international driver's license for crashing in-
to a police car in Florence,  Italy,  injuring two officers. . . .
A 4-foot-long snake slithered out of the toilet at a woman's
house in York, Pennsylvania, after she had "snaked" the toi-
let to relieve an overflow. . . . Eighth-graders from Berwick,
Pennsylvania,  on a field trip to Baltimore,  Maryland,  were
taken to Hooters for lunch. .  .  . Police shot a concrete alli-
gator
at a back yard pond in Independence, Missouri. .  .  .
Singer Avril Lavigne, encountering a dead mike at Tropica-
na Field  in St. Petersburg,  Florida,  opened  a  post-game
concert for Tampa Bay Rays fans with a string of F-bombs.





[courtesy
Google News, Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, MSNBC, AP]

The sports:


Dear Jeanetta:
                                Can one have a mistress if one is not married?
                                                                                                                  Edwin
Dear Edwin:
                             No.  And neither can one who is married.


Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Tabbitha Yafeh"
        and "Bobina Comeau."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future will include
Bhakti Petigara
Harp.






"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210      War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor