• Todd filing for divorce
• She WON'T run for President
  

Here are the entries for words and phrases that
rhyme with "potato chips":

bad acid trips
dictatorships
alligator clips
big freighter ships
long freighter trips
I don’t do flips
false labor trips
bad neighbor drips
good porno clips
inflator hips
old paper clips
radar blips
rotator blips
rotator clips
refrigerator drips
Rock Hudson skips
torpedo ships
tomato slips

Dave Surtees gets the prize for submitting the most  (seven).
The editorial board wanted to disqualify  two  of his submis-
sions ("I don't do flips" as fanciful, and "Rock Hudson skips"
as pornographic, and likely to get Tabloid Headlines censor-
ed for spam for the second week in a row)  – but we'll leave
the judging to the readers.

And here's an entry in verse, from Jay Cory:

I was contemplating relationships
Aboard battleships
During an apocalypse
While eating potato chips,
And I missed the eclipse.

Now, please vote!  Early and often!  For:

1. The closest legitimate rhyme.
2. The most surprising rhyme.
3. The dumbest rhyme.
4. Disqualifications.
   

Fred Dean wrote Mon 9/19/11 @10:18 PDT re the two NPR hotties
who do not know how to pronounce their own names:

As I listened to this, the first line of a classic Beatles song
came to mind:  "ME-chelle, ma belle . . . ."

In an e-mail thread several years ago on Michele Norris' pronunciation
of her given name,  the  conclusion  was that she got it from the Beatles
song.   The French profess not to accent any syllable of any word;  but
the fact is that they do accent, if only slightly in cases, the last syllable of
every multisyllabic word.  By their reckoning,  and from the structure of
the line in the song, you would get  "ME SHELL,  MA BELL"  for "Mi-
chelle, ma belle"  (not  exactly  "ME-shell").   And "ME SHELL"  (both
syllables accented)   actually is about the way  Michele  Norris  says her
name.   Or,  as Ted Fiskevold put it in that earlier thread,  "ME SHELL
sells SEA SHELLS by the SEA SHORE."

So, what about Tamara (she rhymes it with "camera") Keith?    What does
she think,  that  Tamara  is merely a Negroid set-up for the nickname Tam-
my?

Tamara is a real name.  It's Hebrew.  And it's pronounced "tah-MAH-rah."
"Tamera" Keith doesn't look Negroid.  Merely ignorant.

ME SHELL (Ma Bell) is Negroid.    – Editor


A former psych nurse wrote Mon 9/19/11 @06:05 EDT re
another reader's query "Detox includes drugs these days?":

Yup!   You  use  a  drug  taper  to smooth the withdrawal
symptoms.  Going cold turkey can kill.

Best done under medical supervision, too  –  not by giving
the drugs to the substance abusers to use themselves. Amy
Winehouse was either trying to detox  herself  with Librium
she got illegally or some stupid ass doctor wrote her a scrip
and didn't insist on a supervised withdrawal.

Librium is an old drug to use with alcohol withdrawal.  Best
medical alcohol withdrawal I've used is Valium.  Wonderful
drug – if not abused.

Opiate/opiod withdrawals often use methadone. . . .

Keith Durbin wrote Sun 9/18/11 @20:30 CDT:

Sorry I could not make it to Knockemstiff this morning but
the whole town has a restraining order against me.    There
was a misunderstanding about my lifting the Methodist min-
ister's daughter into a tree.

Superior Court Judge Loretta Rush,  in Lafayette,  emphasized pa-
rental drug use, in an interview, as a risk factor for children. "I had
a case where a child was born with drugs in his system,"  she  said.
"Both parents were using. We were looking to place the child with
relatives, but both sets of grandparents were using.   But the great-
grandmother was in the courtroom;  so  I asked her  if  she  would
pass a drug test.  And she said no."
                                                                [courtesy Funny Times]

John Dillinger's great-nephew threatened to move Dillinger heirlooms
from the boyhood home near Mooresville and get rid of the house af-
ter officials showed no interest in his plans for a museum.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky: Governor  Stevie  finally welcomed  the President to Kentucky – at Cincin- nati. . . . A registered sex offender in Fort Thomas was char- ged with using an unregis- tered Facebook account.

"Information on line is not linear."
                                                         – Madry Chlopak (to an internet user frustra-
                                                            ted trying to find a newspaper article on
                                                            line by seeking the page it was printed on)

"And they think they're doin' it right."
                                                            – Jonell Carder

"His body just exploded like a balloon full of meat."

                                            – Rose, Charlie Harper's neighbor in the CBS TV show 2½
                                               Men, describing the Charlie Sheen character's death slipping
                                               from a Metro platform into a the path of a train in Paris

"I think we have a wonderful foundation because across everybody I've met, there's a
 commitment to excellence, and there's a tradition to aspire to greatness."

                    – new University of Kentucky President Eli Capilouto, asked in an interview
                       what it would take to continue "significant recent strides" in education

Apple pulled its "Jewish or not" app from stores in France.

A survey found that the average American between 18 and 24
years of age sends 110 "text" messages a day. . . . The aviator
whose P-51 crashed into the spectators killing 11 persons, in-
cluding himself, was the 20th pilot to die at the Reno National
Championship Air Races in Nevada in their 47 years  (another
pilot died in a military T-28 crash  at a West Virginia air show
the next day). . . .Watching an episode of SpongeBob Square-
Pants diminished the attention spans of 4-year-olds  in a study.
. . . The world's largest sperm bank, in Denmark,  stopped ac-
cepting  donations  from  redheads  due to insufficient demand
(except in Ireland). . . . Police in Little Rock,  Arkansas,  were
looking for an unsolicited toe-sucker for the second time in 20
years. .  .  . NASA upped the likelihood that debris from a fall-
ing satellite would hit a person on Earth from 1 in 3,800 to 1 in
3,200 after taking a look at the 2010 census,  then revised it to
1 in a million after no one was injured. . . . A drunken Oregoni-
an, mistaking a police station in Lincoln,  Nebraska,  for a casi-
no, spent the night in the poky after asking for poker chips. . . .
A  high  school  student  in Benton City, Washington,  got a re-
straining order against his principal,  who had threatened to cut
off the kid's neck rosary with a pocket knife. . . . Six seismolo-
gists were on trial for manslaughter in Italy for failing to predict
the 2009 L'Aquila earthquake that killed 309 persons.  . . .  A
boy brought a crack pipe  and a bag of crystal meth to kinder-
garten in Sweet Springs,  Missouri,  for show-and-tell.  . . .  A
hunter who died in an attack by a grizzly bear in Montana  was
killed not by the bear but by the gunshot of a companion trying
to save him. . . . A 77-year-old man collapsed and died just af-
ter winning a dumpling-eating contest in the Ukraine. . . . Broth-
ers Sylvester Primitivo Thompson, Durlentren Sylvester Thomp-
son  and Sylvester Andre Thompson  were  arrested  for  beer-
jacking in Alvin, Texas.

       [courtesy Harper's, Snopes, MSNBC, Funny Times, AP]

   Unlike the Texas beer boys, beer-jackers Nicholas Kalscheuer,
   Andy Huynh and Nicholas Fiumetto (left to right), all 19, of Covi-
   na, California, are not all named Sylvester (or Nicholas) and are
   not brothers,  but their getaway, like the Sylvesters', included a
   person trying to stop them riding on the hood of their car.

The Florida Marlins relief pitcher Leo Nuñez, a major league
baseball player  since  2005,  was found to be an illegal alien
with an ID falsifying both his name  and his age  (he's back in
the Dominican Republic).  .  .  .  A blind lower court judge is
the  public  address  announcer  at  the  Manual High School
football games in Louisville, Kentucky  (a lawyer friend feeds
him the calls).

   [courtesy Washington Post, Louisville Courier-Journal]

I have three cats.  Bella has been with me for ten years.  When
she was 2,  I adopted Felix;  and last year I took in Iris.   Felix
and Iris don't get along.  They growl and hiss at each other, and
occasionally one swats the other.   The other day  they  actually
started fighting.    I'm hoping you can communicate with them to
find out why they can't live together peacefully.
                                                                                    Jennifer

'Black Man' cookies fly off
 the shelves in Bucharest
                   
         Snack sensation in Turkey and Romania

• One night stand with Glen Rice
• Then playing for University of Michigan
  
• Her fetish for black men
  
• Husband's racial violence
• Her naked nights with young girls
  

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 9/11/11 @11:04 PDT:

666 twice in one issue – have you joined a Satanic cult?

Are you talkin' 'bout . . .

Birthdays:
                    Al Stewart, 66
                    José Feliciano, 66
                    Leo Kottke, 66  .  .  .  ?      – Editor

Henry Velenosi wrote Sun 9/11/11 @09:49 PDT:

Tabloid Headlines pictures are not coming through.  Happened
this week.  Happened last week.  When I download, Windows
doesn't recognize the file and can't open them.  What have you
done to piss off Microsoft?

Sorry 'bout that.  We've done everything we can to piss off Microsoft,
and Apple,  too.  You can always view Tabloid Headlines on the web.
Here's last week's issue,  and here's the index.

Are any other readers having this problem?           – Editor


Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 9/11/11 @11:06 PDT:

Detox includes drugs these days?

We meant to put Mitch Winehouse's remark in "Quotation of the week,"
but our typo "quotation of the weak" was apt, no?          – Editor

Quotation of the weak (last week):
    "She drank to excess and did detox to excess."
        – Mitch Winehouse, Amy's dad, explaining that he thought his daughter died
           from overdosing on alcohol detoxification, which included taking Librium

Muncie public schools imposed a dress code  prohibiting clothing with
holes or tears, ruling out trendy jeans with fashionable rips in the knees.
("I have one pair of jeans I can wear now,"  said Central High student
Kimbra Custard, 16.  "I do not like this new dress code.") . . .

                                                            [courtesy Muncie Star Press]

As the closing of the deteriorating Sherman Minton Bridge over the
Ohio River to Louisville turned 15-minute commutes into more than
two hours in Southern Indiana,  traffic on the Indiana Toll Road,  in
northern Indiana, was brought to a halt for six hours by the toppling
of a  construction  crane  (not only does it not rain in Indianapolis in
the summertime, as Roger Miller once sang, but neither can you get
from here to there in Indiana in the summertime).

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Nine Amish men in Graves County were sentenced to at least three
days in jail for refusing to pay fines they had incurred by not display-
ing orange safety triangles on their horse-drawn buggies. . . .

And now Louisville's Jewish community is questioning turning over the
management of Jewish Hospital to Catholic Health Initiatives, of Den-
ver, Colorado.
                                                         [courtesy the Courier-Journal]

"It's hard, getting recognized for the worst day of your life."

                                                          – Dakota Meyer, Medal of Honor recipient

"The essence of these commemorations are the reading of the names of
 those who died on 9/11."
                                              – Robert Siegel, National Public Radio

"It's First Solar – they're based out of Arizona."
                                                                            – David Baker, San Francisco Chronicle reporter

"StoryCorps is coming up next on Morning Edition."

                                                 – Joe Corcoran, WKYU-FM Radio, Bowling Green, Ky., at
                                                    4:20 a.m. Central time Friday, September 16  (Joe, the
                                                     local morning announcer during the splits from National Pub-
                                                     lic Radio, says this at 4:20 a.m. every Friday, or 20 minutes
                                                     into the first hour of Morning Edition – but StoryCorps never
                                                     airs until 5:25 a.m., or 25 minutes into the show's second hour)

David Greene, temporary replacement for Renée Montagne on NPR's
Morning Edition,  shows that he wants her job permanently, by stutter-
ing up an interview just as she does. . . .

And then there are the two NPR hotties who do not even know how to
pronounce their own names.

The FTC halted the sale of two apps touted to treat acne.

If you put the  ac-cent  on the second  syl-lab-le
(as most dictionaries do with this word),   "dicta-
torships" rhymes with "potato chips."  How many
words and phrases can you find  (in English)  that
rhyme with "potato chips"?

Free  subscriptions  to Tabloid Headlines  will  be
awarded to the readers who submit  (1)  the most
rhymes,  (2)  the closest legitimate rhyme,  (3)  the
most surprising rhyme, and (4) the dumbest rhyme.
In any category in which there is not a clear winner,
the judging will be submitted to a poll of the reader-
ship.

Otis Sistrunk, 65
Elgin Baylor, 77

Facebook  ranked  higher  than  flushing  toilets  in a survey  of
3,000  Brits  asked to list what they couldn't live without.  .  .  .
A cat  named Willow, missing from her family home in Boulder,
Colorado,  for  five  years,  was found wandering the streets of
lower  Manhattan  (New York,  not Kansas). . . . Twenty-four
persons were shot in 24 hours in New York City.  . . .  A 290-
pound New York stockbroker sued White Castle over its little
booths. .  .  .  Cantaloupes from Colorado sickened 24 people
(what did they expect?).  .  .  . France prohibited praying in the
street.

       [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC, AP]

I began dating a wonderful man – smart, good-natured, and
funny; and he definitely turns me on.  But recently he started
to tell me that he'd once been to an orgy.  I stopped him and
said I didn't want to know about it.  I'm not worried that he's
going to cheat on me or go have an orgy, but now this image
is floating around in my head.  Is this something that, if left a-
lone, I'll eventually realize is a natural part of his healthy sexu-
al past, or should I tell him how it makes me feel at the risk of
sounding like an irrational, insecure, jealous woman who does-
n't trust him?
                                                    Haunted by his Sexual Past

Good day, 164740 borfents!  I live next door to your
house and I was shocked after what I just saw last night –
a fat guy taking a skinny, blond slut in her butt and all that
nasty shit happening next to an opened window:
http://proximityexpress.com/images.php
Maybe you know him?:)

    Barb Boyce

[We did resist opening the link; and maybe you will, too.]

[courtesy the Sun] GADHAFI'S MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TO CONDI    Madman's SICK love letters to her                                                 [courtesy the Globe] COPS PROBE OBAMA             Sheriff Joe investigates              phony birth certificate                                    [courtesy the Globe]

The University of Notre Dame  evacuated 80,000 fans  from  its
football stadium twice during a game with South Florida because
of threatening weather. . . .

A  pony cart  carrying six children in Amish country was struck by
an SUV in Elkhart County, killing a 10-year-old and a 7-year-old
and severely injuring the 10-year-old at the reins, a 9-year-old and
a 4-year-old. . . .

An Indianapolis man was charged with  child abuse  for forcing his
three grandsons, aged 12, 9 and 8, to walk on ulcerated blisters in
a Grand Canyon hike,  denying them water despite their lips' being
sunburned off,  and denying them underwear. . . .

A fountain built outside City Hall in Noblesville in 2006 was soaped
for the sixth time in six years.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

A couple living in a Clarksville motel with their six children were ar-
rested for operating a meth lab there.

                                             [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Dumb news from Kentucky: Kenneth Downs, 67,  was ar- rested  for stalking a 15-year- old girl  in his Louisville neigh- borhood   by   leaving   mash notes for her  tacked to utility poles along her walk to a bus stop.     [courtesy the Courier-Journal]

Downs

"She drank to excess and did detox to excess."
                                                                            – Mitch Winehouse, Amy's dad, explain-
                                                                               ing that he thought his daughter died
                                                                               from overdosing on alcohol detoxica-
                                                                               tion, which included taking Librium

"In Detroit yesterday the President stood next to Jimmy Hoffa, the Teamsters Union leader,
 who spoke of the debate over the economy as a war."
                                                                                        – Steve Inskeep, of National Public Radio,
                                                                                           on Morning Edition, September 6, 2011

"People are not dumb."
                                           – Alton Brown, host of television's Good Eats show



                 

Al Stewart, 66
José Feliciano, 66
Leo Kottke, 66

An 11th dismembered foot washed up on the Pacific Northwest shore,
in Vancouver, British Columbia.  . . .  A motorist with a cable wrapped
around his neck, the other end tied to a tree, decapitated himself by ac-
celerating his vehicle as police approached in Yorktown, Virginia.  .  .  .
The average ratio of CEO-to-worker compensation rose to  325  to  1,
the Institute of Policy Studies reported.  .  .  .  The Canadian Broadcast
Standards Council allowed radio stations to  resume  broadcasting Dire
Straits'  song  "Money for Nothing,"  which had been banned in January
for its inclusion of the word "faggot." . . . A hair salon in Edmonton,  Al-
berta,  took heat for an ad showing a woman with a black eye with cap-
tion  "Look good in all you do." . . .  The AARP Bulletin advised people
over 50 to avoid the word "panties."  . . .  A nightclub in Dublin was off-
ering free drinks to patrons for surrendering their underwear.  .  .  .  The
Guinness Book of World Records acknowledged that  Tajikistan  had a
taller flagpole than Azerbaijan's.  . . .  A man arrested in 2002 for having
sex with an inflatable pumpkin was arrested again, in Hamilton, Ohio, for
having sex with an inflatable swimming pool raft. .  .  . The principal of an
elementary school in suburban Sacramento,  California,  was arrested for
sitting girls aged 4 to 7 on his lap when they visited his office  and  touch-
ing  them  in  certain  places.  . . .  A 42-year-old Dutchwoman who tele-
phoned her former lover 65,000 times in a year was arrested for stalking.
.  .  . A moose in Sweden got drunk eating fermenting apples and wound
up stuck in the tree. .  .  . Bemidji,  Minnesota,  has been losing about 15
Stoner Avenue street signs a year to vandals.

              [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

[photo by Marty Pearl,  the Courier-Journal,  at  Louisville's annual Zombie Walk, Aug. 29, 2011] And then there are the Who Cares Bears: Grumpa Bear Grimma Bear Little Miss Pouponia Bear Little Crappypants Bear Grinnin Bearit Snarly Bear Asif  I. Carebear Askmeif  I. Carebear Well Who Cares About It Anyway Bear Who Gives a Rat's Ass Bear

Dumb news from Indiana: Juanita Fisher, 34, of Charlestown, was charged with using an 8-year- old boy for sexual gratification. . . . A 14-year-old Clarksville girl was arrested for DUI after plowing the family SUV into a couple's home. Dumb news from Indiana and Kentucky: Melody Sullivan, 33, who has a 33- citation criminal record but little jail time served since she was 17, shot her father in New Albany,  Indiana, and was hunted down and arrested in Bullitt County, Kentucky (her fa- ther is doing well, thank you).     [courtesy the Courier-Journal]

Juanita              Melody

A 78-year-old man  ran his 82-year-old  brother  and 83-year-old
sister off the road in a two-vehicle incident  in  Rockcastle  County,
killing the sister. . . .

A reporter for the student newspaper at the University of Kentucky
was barred from a media event with basketball players for breaking
an unwritten rule prohibiting reporters from interviewing student ath-
letes without first going through the media relations department  (the
reporter, a student, chatted up a couple of fellow students – you un-
derstand).
                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

Western Kentucky University's opening home football game, against
the University of Kentucky,  was played at the NFL  Tennessee  Ti-
tans' 69,000-seat stadium in Nashville  out of fear the Hilltoppers' L.
T. Smith stadium in Bowling Green, which seats only 22,000, would
not be able to handle the crowd. A total of 24,599 fans watched the
"home" team lose to the UK Wildcats, 14-3. . . .

Sterilizations can no longer be performed  at  the University of Louis-
ville Hospital or at Louisville's Jewish Hospital, since they mortgaged
their management to Catholic Health Initiatives;  but the university cut
a deal that will allow its doctors to tie tubes at Baptist Hospital East.

                                                        [courtesy the Courier-Journal]

Thousands clogged Bardstown Road for Louisville's annual Zombie Walk:

                                                [photos by Marty Pearl, Louisville Courier-Journal]

"They concluded that it is child abuse to hurt your child as an audition for a television show."

             – Alaska Prosecutor Cynthia Franklin (see first item in Borf's weekly bonus, below)

"The way the law is written makes it really difficult for a parent to discipline your kids and
  not be subject to other people's subjective ideas of what is right or wrong."

                                                                   – defense attorney William Ingaldson (same item)

"Some of them in Congress right now with this Tea Party movement would love to see you
 and me hanging on a tree."
                                                                      – Congressman André Carson (D-Ind.), Black
                                                                         Caucus whip, at a caucus rally in Miami

"Dick Cheney's memoirs . . . provide troubling information about the early moments of the
 9/11 attacks  in which Mr. Cheney's assumption of power makes Alexander Haig's 'I am
 in control here' moment look like child's play."

                                                                            – The Courier-Journal, in an editorial

"Colin Powell will vote for Obama, there's no doubt.  Melanin is thicker than
 water, folks."
                                – Rush Limbaugh

"Libyans celebrated in Tripoli  on what would have been the 42nd anniversary of
 Gadhafi's rise to power."  [Like, it wasn't still the anniversary? Just because Gad-
 hafi didn't join the celebration?]
                                                         – Shay Stevens, National Public Radio News

"I am so fucked."
                            – Rebecca Ward, 19, of London, high on liquor and Lunesta, upon her
                               arrest in Boulder, Colorado, after crashing into three parked cars

Japan's Kajimoto Laboratory has created a tongue-kissing machine,
equipped with straws, that enables lovers to suck face via the internet.

Beyoncé, 30
Me'Shell NdegéOcello, 42
Barry Gibb, 65
Lily Tomlin, 72
Irene Pappas, 85
Mort Walker, 88
Kitty Wells, 92

A jury in Anchorage, Alaska,  convicted a woman who had sent
"Dr. Phil" a video of herself  disciplining her screaming foster son
with hot sauce and a cold shower. . . .Nancy Grace, Chaz Bono
and Hope Solo were selected for Dancing With The Stars. ...  A
high school football player in Gravette, Arkansas, was distracted
by a foot-long snake in his helmet. . . .A male juror in a civil case
in Fort Worth, Texas,  was held in contempt of court for trying to
"friend" the female defendant on Facebook. . . . An album of pho-
tographs of Condoleezza Rice was found among Moammar Gad-
hafi's stuff. . . . The federal Fish & Wildlife Service raided Gibson
Guitars in Tennessee looking for illegal wood. .  .  . Steam  and  a
foul  odor  brought "hazmat" crews to an I-65 ramp  in  Nashville,
Tennessee,  where four canisters  of  bull  semen  had  fallen off a
Greyhound bus.  . . .  A man on his first airplane ride spotted two
burglars carrying stuff from his home in Bay, Arkansas,  and blew
the 911 whistle just in time. .  .  . Burglars kept billionaires uncon-
scious with gas as they ransacked a resort on Sardinia.  .  .  . Iran
complained that Korans purchased from  printers  in  China  were
littered with misspellings. .  .  .  A 3-foot python underwent emer-
gency surgery after being bitten by a man in Sacramento,  Califor-
nia. .  .  .  The lead singer for the punk rock band Green Day was
booted  from a  Southwest  Airlines  flight  in Oakland, California,
for  saggy  pants. .  .  . Streetwalkers were being required to feed
the meter in Bonn, Germany.

   [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

University of Miami football players who  received  gifts and were treated to T&A shows by a rich booster were suspended for a few games and ordered to pay "restitu- tion,"  the Associated Press reported.  (Restitution?  To the rich guy who corrupted them, who is now doing 20 years in prison for a Ponzi scheme?  The AP didn't say). Forget  about the guy who gave back the  home  run  ball: The New York Yankees sold the bases from the baseball game in which Derek Jeter got his 3,000th hit  for $7,500 apiece; 30 game balls (all unsigned) for $2,000 each; half- ounce containers of dirt  from second base  at $250 each, and Jeter's socks, for $1,000. Soccer hottie Hope Solo will be on Dancing With The Stars. –>

I am a 17-year-old girl, and I think there might be something
wrong with me. . . .
                                                                                Detroit

Don't  forget!  Readers  interested  in  intel- lectual  dissection  of important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books out- side Brownsville,  Kentucky,  just after church every  Sunday.  Guest  speakers  lined  up  for meetings in the near future include the stammer- ing yammerers of  public  broadcasting,  Renée Montagne and Jeffrey Brown.