February 26, 2012:    Things you would never know if you did not browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket (this week's issue brought to you by e-pluribus, a/k/a the "world wide web"): Drones down angel over Iran        [courtesy the Sun - Weekly World News]   Titanic ghosts attack Navy sub

One of our devoted readers

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 2/19/2012 @19:02 EST re the Heart
Attack Grill in Las Vegas:

And in the middle of consuming a triple patty burger  with
12 slices of bacon and a heap of cheese, a male customer
had a heart attack.

The consensus is that the patron's heart attack was a publicity stunt
conjured up by the proprietor.    The only "medical" evidence came
from a waitress named Bridget costumed as a nurse.  – Editor


Ted Fiskevold, graduate cum laude of Bemidji State University and resi-
dent of Detroit Lakes, Minnesota, wrote Sun 2/19/12 @12:43 CST:

It was the Bemidji Woolen Mills that Rick Santorum visited.
Many Minnesotans  (the same ones who say "woursch ma-
chine" for washing machine) put a little bit of r between the
e and the m, or between the B and the e, and say "Buhrmid-
ji" or "Bruhmidji."  In the same vein the town Two Inlets be-
comes  "Twinlets";  the French Canadian town of Roseau is
rhymed with  Bozo  (kind of  like "Glazgo," and would never
be recognized as anything French  by  Inspector  Clouseau);
New Prague is New Prag (rhymes with brag),  people from
Alexandria live in "Alec" not "Alex," and anybody who is hip
to Minnesotan refers to Detroit Lakes as "DL."

The state election commission voted  4-0  to keep Rick
Sanctimonium Sanatorium Santorum  on the Republican
presidential primary ballot  even though he did not get e-
nough signatures on petitions filed in Marion County (In-
dianapolis),  and  to  allow  Richard Lugar to run for re-
election as senator even though he has lived  in  Virginia
since 1977. . . .

State Representative Bob Morris of Fort Wayne wrote a
letter to fellow Republicans calling the Girl Scouts a "tacti-
cal arm" of Planned Parenthood,  promoting abortion and
homosexuality. . . .

A move to return Indiana to the Central time zone was ta-
bled in a legislative committee. . . .

A 2-year-old boy in day care at the Praise and Worship
Assembly of God church in Indianapolis drowned in the
baptismal pool. . . .

Fall classes will begin on August 20 at Indiana University.

                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Residents of a Daviess County precinct voted 21 to 21 in a
local option election, and a 50-cent piece tossed by County
Clerk David “Oz” Osborne landed tails up, deciding that the
precinct  would  remain  "dry"  (65 of the 82 precincts in the
county,  which contains Owensboro and the Wathen's bour-
bon distillery,  are "wet").

                           [courtesy Owensboro Messenger-Inquirer]

Conservators applied new patina to Rodin's Thinker  at the U-
niversity of Louisville (said to be the "first cast from the original
sculpture," whatever that means).

                                                   [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"You stupid little brat, it's a tomato plant!"
                                                                    – Angela Cartwright, of Holly Hill, Florida, who
                                                                       caught a 15-year-old boy who thought he had
                                                                       stolen a pot plant from her kitchen window

"Then go North!"
                                – Jeanetta Girard, our screaming Southern Baptist
                                   (see first item in Borf's weekly bonus, below)

"Snow and rain continuing throughout the day . . . ."

                                            – John  Campbell,  WKYU-FM radio,  Bowling Green, Ky.
                                               (it wasn't snowing or raining when he said that, at 8:30 a.m.;
                                                it hadn't,  and it didn't  –  if he or the weatherman who wrote
                                                the script had looked out the window, they might have known)

Dakota Fanning, 18
Ellen Page, 25
Louise Woodward, 34
Kurt Rambis, 54
Lieberman, 70
Joanie Sommers, 71
Renata Scotto, 78
Abe Vigoda, 91

A committee of the Southern Baptist Convention recommen-
ded adding "Great Commission Baptists" to the denomination
name, for the benefit of churches uncomfortable with the term
"Southern."  .  .  .  Amanda Knox's Italian boy friend Raffaele
Sollecito was negotiating with publishers to sell his own mem-
oir on his alleged non-role in the murder of Meredith Kercher.
.  .  . A Swede was rescued from a car buried in the snow for
nearly two months. . . . Oliver  Stone's  son  Sean  (now  Ali)
converted to Islam in Tehran.  .  .  .  Virginia's House of Dele-
gates passed a  "personhood"  bill  conferring human rights on
embryos (it died in the state senate). . . . Six weeks after sign-
ing the Shark Conservation Act,  President Obama  had lunch
at a restaurant in San Francisco, California,  that serves shark-
fin soup.  . . . The Trinidad Moruga scorpion was deemed the
hottest pepper on earth  by the Chile [sic] Pepper Institute  at
New Mexico State University  (it  burned through latex gloves
of those assigned to pick it). . . . A Scotch musician was bitten
"down under" (in the testicle) by a tiger snake while urinating in
a Tasmanian garden (it was not reported whether he was wear-
ing a kilt – but it was reported,  Edwin,  that a male companion
refused to suck out the venom).  . . . German academics voted
"shitstorm" the most useful English loan word of 2011.  .  .  . A
BBC weather man forecast  "bucket loads of cunt"  for  central
England. . . . Adele flipped the bird at the Brit awards. ... Chan-
dra Bahadur Dangi, 72, of Nepal, will be measured by Guinness
World Records for designation as the world's  shortest  man,  at
1 foot, 10 inches. . . .A court in Cincinnati, Ohio, ordered a man
who trashed his wife on Facebook to apologize to her on  Face-
book. . . . A woman in Sioux City, Iowa, got a chicken McNug-
get at McDonald's that appeared to her to resemble, no, not Je-
sus,  and, no, not the Virgin Mary,  but,  George  Washington
– and she's selling it on e-Bay to help her church.  .  .  . The Su-
preme Court declined Phil Spector's appeal.

  [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

Two British boxers engaged in fisticuffs at a press conference after
a bout in Munich, Germany, in which only one of them fought (and
lost). . . . The Denver Bronco who didn't get the job  Tim  Tebow
got apologized for saying Tebow's expression of faith didn't "seem
very humble to me"  and  other  unflattering things about America's
favorite Christian quarterback. .  .  . Major league baseball arbitra-
tors reversed  the  50-game  suspension  of National League most
valuable player Ryan Braun for using testosterone. . . .A former U-
niversity of Virginia lacrosse player was found guilty  of  murder  in
the death of a girl friend who had a relationship with another lacros-
se  player.  . . .  A Tabloid Headlines poll:  Which is more amazing?
That basketball star Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks  is  (a) an
Asian-American or (b) a graduate of Harvard?

I am down to my last nerve with my husband of 30 years. He has
become a lazy slob I can no longer tolerate. The last two years he
has worked a total of six weeks, and he has taken only one show-
er in the last four months, which also was the only time he changed
his clothes.   I work full time,  and "Evan" sits in front of the TV all
day long.   He does not care that I am struggling to pay the bills.

He seems to be a hypochondriac also  but refuses to see a doctor
for any of his supposed symptoms. I think my only option now is a
divorce  and  not to worry about what happens to him.   What  are
your thoughts?
                                                Disgusted and Tired of Being Used

                                                                                                                    [courtesy Funny Times]


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

J. Ewing wrote Sun 2/12/12 @10:19 EST:

The Southeast Christian Church of Louisville is attended
by an average of 22,500 every Sunday? Can the alleged
attendees wear ankle bracelets, with GPS capabilities, so
that this claim can be documented?   Then SCC of L'ville
can donate $25 to the ACLU  for every claimed member
found still curled up in bed on Sunday.

Len wrote Sun 2/12/12 @11:23 EST:

What's a "Super Bowl"?   Will it hold an entire box of corn
flakes?

Publius Leget wrote Sun 2/12/12 @13:47:56 CST:

So, what does silver reflective tape do for the safety of Amish
buggies in the daytime?

D. Hopkins wrote Sun 2/12/12 @14:04:26 CST  re the new Indiana
law allowing people to resist police entering their homes illegally:

Who wants to be the first to test it?

Four voters challenged Rick Santorum's appearance on the
presidential primary election ballot because he fell eight sig-
natures short of the number needed from the congressional
district containing Indianapolis.
                                                 [courtesy Associated Press]

Kentucky Opera conductor Joe Mechavich quit  rather  than
lead non-union musicians in a production of The Merry Wid-
ow. . . .

Governor  Stevie  named Daviess,  Warren,  and Woodford
counties  "work  ready  communities"  and Russell County as
getting ready (designation criteria include high school gradua-
tion rate and "digital literacy"). . . .

The state Arts Council designated Horse Cave, Paducah, Be-
rea, Covington and Danville as seats of  cultural districts  (de-
fined  as  "well-recognized, labeled, mixed use areas of  com-
munities featuring high concentrations of cultural amenities that
attract local residents and visitors alike").
                                                                        [courtesy AP]

As Governor Stevie submitted a budget cutting state university
funds by 6½ per cent, the legislature was moving to add anoth-
er university to the system.
                                              [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]



   Kentuckians for the Commonwealth and their guests protest mountaintop removal and pipelines
   at state capitol in Frankfort                  [photos for the Courier-Journal by Jonathan Palmer]

"Behave yourselves!  Behave yourselves!  Behave yourselves!  Behave yourselves!  Behave
 yourselves!  Behave yourselves!  Behave   yourself!  Behave  yourself!  You are freaks and
 animals!  You  are  freaks  and  animals!  Behave yourself!  Behave yourself!  Behave your-
 self!  Behave yourself!  Behave yourself!  Behave yourself!  Behave yourself!  Behave your-
 self!  Behave yourself!  Behave  yourself!  Behave  yourself!  Behave yourself!  Learn to be-
 have yourselves!  Stop raping people!  Stop raping people!  Stop  raping  people!  Stop ra-
 ping the people!  You freaks!  You filthy, filthy, raping, murdering freaks!"

                                                                            – Andrew Breitbart, to Occupy Washington

"Why should I resign?  The video I watched was of a woman
 being raped by four people. It was not porn."
                                                                            – Laxman Savadi, a minister in the Indian
                                                                               state Karnataka, caught viewing the clip
                                                                               with the minister for women and children

"It's a little creepy."
                                    – Jim Haussler,  public schools activities director in Bismarck,
                                       North Dakota, speaking of the 250-pound "piggyback bandit,"
                                       who has jumped on the backs of high school athletes in five states

"I don't give a shit."
                                    – M.I.A., as she flipped the bird in her Super Bowl hip-hop halftime song

"Crack is whack."
                                – the late Whitney Houston

It is not acceptable to rhyme the second syllable of "Glasgow"
with "cow,"  but it is acceptable to pronounce the second syl-
lable of "Moscow" that way.    And,  the last letter of the first
syllable of "Glasgow" is to be pronounced as a  z.

Sources:  Random House and Oxford New American diction-
aries.

Caveat: All bets are off in Barren County (Glasgow), Kentucky,
and Rush County (Moscow), Indiana.

Molly Ringwald, 44
Hana Mandlikova, 50
Juice Newton, 60
Smokey Robinson, 72
Mary Ann Mobley, 73
Yoko Ono, 79
Kim Novak, 79
Jim McElreath, 84
Hal Holbrook, 87
Hugh Downs, 91

Apartment complex managers in Sioux  Falls,  South  Dakota,
announced plans to use DNA to trace dog poop to its deposi-
tors.  . . . Mormons baptized the late parents of the late Simon
Wiesenthal. . . .  Rick Santorum toured a sweater-vest factory
in Bemidji,  Minnesota. . . . Buildings burned down in rioting in
Athens, Greece, included a Starbucks and a theater once used
by the Gestapo for a torture chamber. . . . A mother who sur-
prised a Valentine's party dressed as Mickey Mouse caused a
school lockdown in Canfield, Ohio. . . . Amanda Knox signed
a  $4,000,000  deal with Harper-Collins to write a memoir  a-
bout her trial for allegedly not murdering a woman in Italy. . . .
Governor Chrissy ordered American flags  flown  at  half-staff
for Whitney Houston's funeral.  .  .  . The Heart Attack Grill in
Las Vegas, Nevada, was serving up a "triple bypass burger."



[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

The sports  (fair warning):  Mary J. Bilge will sing "The Star         Spangled Banner" at the National Basketball Associa-         tion "all-star" game next Sunday.   Everest  will  do the         Canadian national anthem.  Nicki  Minaj  (who was so         horrified at M.I.A. flipping the bird at the Super Bowl)         will sing a medley of her hits as the players are announ-         ced.  And Pitbull,  Ne-Yo  and Nayer  will perform at         halftime.

Nicki

My wife, "Jane,"  has an identical twin sister named
"Jordan."  They're best friends.  Jordan comes over
four or five times a week.

Jane has an 8-year-old son from a previous relation-
ship whose middle name  is  Jordan,  after  his  aunt.
Now Jane is pregnant with our first child, and she is
determined to name it  Jordan,  regardless of its sex.
Don't  get  me  wrong:  I love Jane;  I love her sister,
and I love my stepson.  But, don't you think . . . ?

                                                          Joe in Toledo

Len wrote Sun 2/5/12 @19:29 EST  (you can tell he wasn't watching
the Super Bowl):

Regarding my comments recorded in last week's issue, I want to
make sure the record is clear that I am  pro-banjo:   I  own  and
play a couple of banjos,  and  I  encourage  banjo ownership as
guaranteed under the 1st and 10th Amendments  (if not also the
2nd).   My humorously intended mention of a banjo in reference
to your idiot Senator Rand Paul was not meant to disparage this
fine tradition in any way.

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 2/5/12 @11:10 PST re last week's "basket-
ball hotties":
                        She could give me a tongue lashing any time.

In a state court of appeals hearing over a New Albany policeman's
suspension for saying,  "The biggest mistake that government made
was giving those people civil rights," his attorney argued that the re-
mark was not racist.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

The  Kentucky Opera  scheduled The Merry Widow this week
with orchestra to be staffed by scabs amateurs as Louisville Or-
chestra musicians remained without a contract. . . .

The owner of a gay bar in Louisville unnerved a large number of
his constituents with an internet posting of an image  likening  the
President to a chimpanzee. . . .

Jefferson Starship was booked to play Louisville's annual Beatles
festival in late May  (they  wouldn't  say  who makes up the band
these days,  but here's a pitture):



                                                            [courtesy Courier-Journal]

Otis "Bullman" Hensley,  who campaigned for governor in 2007
riding a fiberglass bull around the State Capitol to emphasize his
slogan "Get the bull out of Frankfort"  (Hensley got out when: he
came in last),  rode around the Capitol in  a  coffin   last week to
suggest that "the economy is killing us." . . .

The Southeast Christian Church of Louisville,  attended by an av-
erage  of  22,500  every Sunday,  begins televising its services to-
day to reach out further. . . .

The state senate approved a bill that would  allow  the  Amish  to
mark their buggies with gray or silver reflective tape instead of or-
ange triangles for safety.
                                                                             [courtesy AP]

"My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time."

                                                                                    – Gisele Bundchen (Tom Brady's wife)

"It was the Giants' second Super Bowl victory in the last four years."

                                                                        – Dave Mattingly, National Public Radio (not
                                                                            quite: February 3, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011,
                                                                            February 5, 2012 – funny way to say "five")

Sheryl Crow, 50
Robert Wagner, 82
Leontyne Price, 85

Kids Rock baby shirts saying,  "Help,  I'm being kidnapped!
These are not my parents!" were pulled from the market. . . .
Another gun show attendant shot himself in the leg, in Savan-
nah, Georgia. .  .  . The Manneken-Pis, a statue of a boy uri-
nating  in Brussels,  was shut down by sub-zero temperature.
.  .  . One-fourth of American cats were termed obese.  .  .  .
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie called a gay state repre-
sentative a  "numbnuts."  . . .  A West Virginia college student
sued for injury he said was caused by the detonation of a bot-
tle rocket in another student's rectum.  . . . The Dutch bedding
company  Snurk  designed covers resembling cardboard box-
es (and tried to placate critics by donating profits to the home-
less).  . . . The "morning after Plan B pill" was being dispensed
from a vending machine at Shippensburg University in Pennsyl-
vania. . . . A drug cartel posted a banner in Guanajuato, Mexi-
co,  warning a rival gang to keep its hands off the Pope  when
he visits next month.  .  .  .  A motorist in Ashland, Massachu-
setts,  was  arrested  for tossing a handful of pennies into a car
that had honked at him. . . . Some didn't get the pro-immigrant
joke  when  a populist Mississippi legislator introduced a bill to
change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the  Gulf of America.
. . . A teacher's aide in Brooklyn, New York,  videoed himself
spanking a naked child and fondling another in a classroom. . . .
The entire 120-person staff  of a Los Angeles,  California,  ele-
mentary school was dismissed  in a case of lewdness that inclu-
ded semen-coated cookies.  . . .  Officials had to deny that fris-
bee and football had been banned on beaches  in  Los Angeles,
California (National Public Radio's Steve Inskeep  was  among
those who broadcast the falsehood).

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

A Broadway play, Magic/Bird, will recall the rivalry and friend-
ship of basketball's Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. . . .  Ameri-
can League baseball's Oakland A's,  who  were  previously the
Kansas City A's,  who  were  previously  the  Philadelphia  A's,
sought permission to move to  San  Jose  (where they would be
known as the San Hose A's?).

I am a college freshman.  My sister is a sophomore
in high school,  and I am on good terms with many
of her friends, including "Jessie," who recently mes-
aged me on Facebook  that  she had transferred to
a private school because the public school  "wasn't
good for rebels." She said she drank, attended cra-
zy parties, often did her homework while "hammer-
ed" and was writing me during Spanish class. I told
my sister.   She said if I sent this to Jessie's parents,
it would cause a rift, and I should send it to Jessie's
school instead. What should I do?
                                                              Confused

First thing that comes to mind is a banjo. On his knee.  – Len Zanger

That "sexy blonde" fresh from "boozing in the arms" of the
captain of the Italian cruise ship. – Connie Harbeson

A vial of Aqua Buddha. – Stephen Yates

Never mind . . . .  – Len

Promoters feared state law prohibiting package liquor sales on
Sundays might crimp today's Super Bowl festivities. . . .

Secretary of State Charlie White, the state's chief election offi-
cial, was convicted by a Hamilton County jury of three counts
of voter fraud, two counts of perjury and one count of theft in
his  own  election  in 2010,  and consequently lost his job (the
theft charge related to his taking a salary as  town  councilman
in  Fishers  even after he had moved into his girl friend's house
out of town). . . .
                                                    [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Fresh from passage of a "right to work" law,  the state senate approved a bill to allow the teaching of  "creationism"  in sci- ence classes.                       [courtesy          Associated Press] Ayanna Brown  took the cake in Indiana Regional Yoga Asana competition in Clarksville.

                                    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A back yard  "therapeu- tic playhouse" built for a 3-year-old with cerebral palsy  ran afoul of home- owners association regu- lations in Lexington.      [courtesy Lexington             Herald-Leader] Occupy Louisville's Cur- tis Huffines sports Mitch McConnell mask in pro- test of Defense Authori- zation Act, which allows the  indefinite  jailing  of terrorism suspects with- out trial. . . . Former  University  of Kentucky   basketball star Richie Farmer ap- plied for unemployment benefits  when  his  sec- ond  four-year  term  as elected  state agriculture commissioner ended.

[courtesy Courier-Journal]

"Don't quit your day job."
                                            – Simon Cowell,   to Mitt Romney
                                               (actually we made that one up – Ed.)

Jennifer Yates, 39
Dan Quayle, 65
Melanie, 65
Marty Balin, 70
Philip Glass, 75
Carol Channing, 91

By a vote of 193 to 0 the Pennsylvania House of Represen-
tatives proclaimed 2012 the "year of the Bible." .  .  .  Fuzzy
boots were banned at the Pottsdown, Pennsylvania,  middle
school because students might hide cell phones in them.  . . .
A woman strode topless down the middle of Main Street  in
Monongahela,  Pennsylvania,  and  was  taking off her pants
and throwing her shoes at other people when arrested. .  .  .
A Chicago tax lawyer concluded  that  Newt  Gingrich  had
cheated on his taxes. .  .  .  Forbes magazine concluded that
Warren Buffett's secretary makes $200,000 to $500,000  a
year. .  .  . The  cat  of a Democrat Arkansas congressman's
campaign manager was killed and left at the family door with
"liberal" painted on its corpse.  .  .  .  A copyright held by the
State of Bavaria  held up in court  to prevent distribution of a
new publication of  Mein   Kampf.  . . .  K'Naan objected to
the use of his recording "Wavin' Flag" by Mitt Romney, at his
victory speech in Florida. . . . A Vermont prison inmate in the
license plate manufacturing section managed  to  spot  a  cow
with  the  image  of  a  pig  on a state police cruiser decal.

     

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

Basketball hotties!

                   [Louisville Courier-Journal photos by David R. Lutman]


                                           [Courier-Journal photo by Sam Upshaw Jr.]


A high school footballer signed with Auburn instead of Clemson
because Clemson "had no Chick-Fil-A on campus."

I am a professional in real estate.  Several years ago I had an
accident that damaged my spine, and now I'm hopelessly ad-
dicted to strong pain medications.   When the economy went
bad, so did my business,  and we lost our health insurance.  I
can't depend on my wife – she doesn't have a job. I've begun
to have suicidal thoughts.  Please give me a new perspective.

                                                        Ruler of a Fallen Empire

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett