March 25, 2012:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Who's really running?
  ROMNEY HAS SECRET TWIN
                                                                                        [courtesy the Sun - Weekly World News]


Sarah Palin at war with Tom Hanks
           over his movie branding her stupid and unstable

                                                                                 [courtesy the Globe]


'I could have saved her'

  Bobby Brown tell-all:
    The TRUTH about
      WHITNEY & ME
                                                          [courtesy National Enquirer]


Daughter Bobbi Kristina
MARRYING WHITNEY'S
       DRUG DEALER


                                               [courtesy National Enquirer]


PAULA DEEN'S RACIAL SLURS!

    Former manager of her Savannah restaurant says in lawsuit she was asked to plan a
    "true Southern plantation" wedding for Deen's brother Bubba,  and  that  Deen said,
    when asked how to dress  the  servers,  "What I would really like is a bunch of little
    niggers to wear long-sleeved white shirts, black shorts, and black bow ties . . . you
    know, in the Shirley Temple days, they used to tap dance around" (the lawsuit com-
    plained in part of Bubba's calling the manager "my little Jew girl"  and
  harassing  her
    sexually).
                                                                                    [courtesy National Enquirer]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Toni wrote Sun 3/18/12 @14:24 EDT:

            Tabloid Headlines!!!

Tony wrote Weds 3/21/12 @11:30 CDT: 
Congratulations on Tabloid's 10th anniversary of truly bizarre and sarcastic humor!

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 3/18/12 @09:51 PDT:
Whew! Lucky the woman who fell down the garbage chute
didn't get compacted along with the trash.

"Along with"?  How do we know she wasn't trash?  – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana
:
Senator Richard Lugar, who has had no home in the state since he
sold his Indianapolis residence  in 1977,  agreed to repay the U.S.
Treasury $4,500 for hotel stays in Indiana. . . .

The Bureau of Motor Vehicles granted a specialty license plate to a
gay rights organization, the Indiana Youth Group,  and  then,  under
pressure from the state senate, rescinded it, and rescinded specialty
plates for the 4-H and Greentree foundations as well. . . .

A deputy sheriff speeding to the scene of a motor vehicle crash near
Fort Wayne struck a van in the side, killing the driver of the van and
injuring two passengers in the van.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

As many as 40 per of women reported exercise-induced orgasm in a
study reported by the
Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana
University, an affiliate of the Kinsey Institute.
                                                                                    [ABC News]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
The General Assembly passed a bill to require seat belts  in  vans
carrying 15 passengers or fewer (buses can wait). . . .

And (speaking of buses) the state senate passed a bill to allow par-
ents to send their children to schools nearest their homes (in an at-
tempt to undo half a century of desegregation).
                                                                                 [courtesy AP]

     
    Jefferson County constable David Whitlock, who shot a shop-
    lifting suspect in a Wal-Mart parking lot in suburban Louisville,
    awaits court hearing on
charges of assault and wanton endan-
    germent (he claims it was an accident). [Courier-Journal photo]

Quotations of the week:
"Our political system is so methodically and deliberately stupid."
                                                                                                        – Newt Gingrich


"The dangers of carbon dioxide?  Tell that to a plant, how
 dangerous carbon dioxide is."
                                                                – Rick Santorum

Quotations of the weak:
"The earthquake was felt as far south as Gualemala."
                                                                                        – Shay Stevens, National Public Radio News

"eleanorbeardsleynprnews"
                                                – Eleanor Beardsley, NPR News, Paris

Birthdays: 
Paul Michael Glaser (Starsky, or Hutch?), 69
Roger Bannister, 83


Borf's weekly BONUS:
According to the think tank 24/7 Wall Street and Harper's
magazine, George Washington was more than 2 times as
wealthy as Mitt Romney in inflation-adjusted dollars.  .  .  .
The legal team defending accused Afghan massacrist Rob-
ert Bales will be led by the lawyer who defended Ted Bun-
dy
. . . . Syrian
President Bashar al-Assad e-mailed his wife
lyrics to Blake Shelton's "God Gave Me You," which goes,
" . . . I've made a mess of me  –  The person that I've been
lately – Ain't who I wanna be . . . "  . . . A post mortem re-
port concluded that Whitney Houston drowned  (in a bath-
tub) under the influence of heart disease and cocaine. . . .A
Nigerian woman was arrested at Dulles Airport with nearly
five pounds of heroin in her stomach  (in  180  thumb-sized
pellets, some of which she passed while being charged). . . .
Dick Cheney canceled a trip to Toronto, considering Cana-
da too dangerous – and then took heart. . . . A bill to make
the Cairn terrier (Toto's breed) Kansas' state dog  died in a
legislative committee  (PETA was opposed). . . .  A cat fell
from the 19th floor of a high-rise in Boston, Massachusetts,
landed in a tiny patch of mulch, and scampered back to the
building. . . . Passing motorists picked up nearly all the $5,-
700  in bills and coins  that fell from an armored truck on I-
270  in  Maryland  (none of it was reported returned). .  .  .
Schoolchildren in Union County, North Carolina, were ask-
ed to dress in "African American attire" (or animal prints) on
Black History Day. . . . Four employees were fired by a law
firm in Deerfield Beach, Florida, for wearing orange shirts on
Fridays.
                  Examples of "African American attire" ––––––––>


           Jay-Z


    Al Sharpton


    Donna Britt


Trayvon Martin


       Whitney



 Katy Perry warned a London bride-to-be, "Don't get married!"

                     [courtesy Harper's Weekly, MSNBC.com, AP]

The sports:

Tebow traded to New York Jets

  The First Temptation of Tim

           Will he bite the Big Apple,
                or will it bite him?


                                        [courtesy National Enquirer]


University of Florida  basketball  coach
Billy Donovan challenges Bashar al-As-
sad for "penis with ears" lookalike title:


  
– what else you missed if you didn't watch
    the NCAA basketball tournament on TV:



Dear Eleanor:
I made a terrible mistake.   I had an affair and got
pregnant.  I didn't tell my husband; but he's acting
strange, and I think he suspects. Will he find out I
cheated?  Should I confess?
                                               Worried in Winnetka
Dear Winnie:
                            Nah!  Unless the kid is born with a trunk,
                            or something like that.


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "維修部 - Jack <yah-oo4@umail.hinet.net>" titled
    "◤雲端通訊設備的 Skype 電話系統 精采登場◢,國內、外電信通話費每小時 2.34 元起2."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future  include
  Uwe Dempewolf
and George Zimmerman.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



March 18, 2012:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:


DIG UP WHITNEY!
        New autopsy will prove she was murdered


                                                                                           [courtesy the Globe]


301-lb. Chaz Bono's
life-saving surgery!
 Worried Cher suffers anxiety attack


                                                    [courtesy National Enquirer]


[Great news from Canada!]
  Celine Dion will never sing again


                                                                                           [courtesy the Globe]


Arizona sheriff delivers
 
Obama birth certificate was forged
                – and cops know who did it

                                                                                   [courtesy the Globe]


Dumb news from Indiana:
A school bus ran into the supporting wall of an underpass in Indianap-
olis, killing the driver and a child.


Perp of the week:
David Earl Ison,  of
Glenwood, pleaded
guilty  to  last year's
Oxycodone  killings
of  five  persons  in
and  around  Laurel
for a life sentence.

  [courtesy Associated Press]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A school bus driver was arrested for DUI (of a loaded school bus)
in Butler County. . . .

Another bridge over Kentucky Lake was struck by a barge.

                                                                                 [courtesy AP]


                          Scenes from the courthouse square in Brownsville
    [Tabloid Headlines photos]


Quotation of the week:
"Better to be a dictator than gay."
                                                          –
Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus

Quotations of the weak:
" . . . the momentum of his speed . . . ."
                                                                  – Clark Kellogg, broadcasting the first game
                                                                     of the NCAA basketball tournament


"Son of a bitch!  Why is this happening?"
                                                                      – Rachael Plath, weather girl, KRDO-TV,
                                                                         Colorado Springs  (here's the video)


"There's an app for that!"
Facebook and Twitter were among 20  "app"  providers
named defendants in  a  class  action  suit  filed in Austin,
Texas, for misusing personal information including names,
telephone numbers, email addresses, job titles, and birth-
days.

Birthdays: 
Mia Hamm, 40
Liza Minnelli, 66
Tabloid Headlines, 10

Borf's weekly BONUS:
A tour bus collided with a tunnel wall in the Swiss Alps, kill-
ing  the  driver  and 27 of the Dutch and Belgian passengers,
including 22 children.  . . . 
A  school  bus  collided head-on
with a Pepsi truck near Somerset,  Pennsylvania,  killing  the
truck driver and injuring 23 students. . . .
Four young Amish
whose buggy collided with a police car in Chautauqua Coun-
ty, New York, 
were charged with illegal possession of alco-
hol.  .  .  .
A woman fell down her apartment's garbage chute
trying to retrieve a cell phone in Dunwoody, Georgia (her fall
was stopped by a trash compactor). . . .
NATO military offi-
cers were friended on Facebook by Chinese spies.  .  .  . "E-
mo" hit lists circulated in Iraq. . . . A move to raise the age of
criminal responsibility from 7 to 12 in
Pakistan was opposed
by authorities arguing that spicy food made their children ma-
ture earlier.  .  .  . Austrian  restaurateurs  proposed renaming
"gypsy schnitzel"  and  "Moor’s  shirt"  as  "cutlet with pepper
sauce"  and "chocolate dessert with cream,"  respectively. . . .
The $8,100 winning e-bidder on a Chicken McNugget adver-
tised to be shaped like GeorgeWashington's head  backed out
on the deal. . . . Pat Robertson suggested that Jesus would not
have been opposed to the use of marijuana. . . . A 9-year-old,
250-pound boy was tasered for playing hooky in Mount Sterl-
ing, Ohio.
. . .  President Obama and Prime Minister Cameron
dined on bison Wellington in theWhite House. . . . The world's
tallest man, 
Turkey's 8-foot, 3-inch Sulfan Kosen, 29,  under-
went pituitary gland surgery at the University of Virginia to stop
growing. . . .Lindsay Lohan denied scraping a man's knee with
her black Porsche as she left a Hollywood night club surround-
ed by paparazzi at 12:30 in the morning.  .  .  .  Marie Osmond
peed her pants on
a cruise ship stage. .  .  . Two  different  girls
born in Alberta, Canada, last year were named Unique.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes,
MSNBC.com, AP]

The sports – more basketball hotties:

        University of Kentucky's Terence Jones                          University of Louisville's Shoni Schimmel

                [photo by Michael Clevenger                  courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal                  photo by David Lee Hartlage]


Dear Eleanor:
My dad has a bumper sticker on his car  that  says
"LUPIESZ  NA  BUTACH."   My Uncle Bogdan
says it's a Polish joke, but I don't understand. Can
you explain it?
                                                                Janina
Dear Janka:
It's feminine hygiene. Use an anti-dandruff shampoo.

Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Gertrude Tribble"
        and "Trina Ribeiro."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Lucy Nalpathanchil.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



March 11, 2012:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:


SUICIDE
                                                                                                                      [courtesy the Star]


Whitney's daughter caught
in shocking new drug video

                                                                                [courtesy the Globe]


Whitney's SHOCKING SECRET LIFE
                                                                                                    [courtesy the Globe]


and – she's NOT DEAD YET, folks!

                                                                                   [courtesy Strange Times]


Brad Pitt's grandma, 89,
in FILTHY nursing home

    He hasn't seen her for FOUR YEARS


                                             [courtesy the Globe]


REGIS HOOKED ON SLEEPING PILLS

                                     [courtesy the Globe]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
J. Ewing wrote Sun 3/4/12 @10:47:56 EST re recent legis-
lative proposals to confer "personhood" upon sperm:
Someone commented in the Democratic Underground
that if the resolution adopted by the Wilmington, Dela-
ware, City Council caught fire, every teen-age boy with
surging hormones and a Playboy  would be a mass mur-
derer, and spring break in Key West would exceed the
Holocaust.

Councilwoman Loretta Walsh of Wilmington and State Senator
Constance Johnson of Oklahoma have become "heroines of hy-
perbole," taking huge risks of being taken seriously.   –  Editor

Dumb news from Indiana
:
The LaPorte County Jail released a third inmate by mistake in
five weeks. . . .

Ninety-eight cats – 14 of them dead – were removed from a
condemned house in Fort Wayne. . . .

A Jewish professor of political science at the Calumet campus
of Purdue University in Hammond was the subject of an anti-
Semitic cartoon
in the student newspaper. . . .

Peyton Manning choked up as he broke up with the Indianap-
olis Colts.

                                                     [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A Somerset woman seeking shelter during a tornado
warning died in her closet  after the doorknob broke
and she couldn't get out – of starvation? thirst? heart
attack?  (she had a heart problem,  and did not have
her medicine with her)  smothered by blankets? – no
one could say, or how long she had been there – and
it "will not be recorded as a storm-related death"  by
the National Weather Service,  as her house was not
damaged. . . .

A 31-year-old Lawrence County woman lied about be-
ing a tornado victim to get a free cabin in a park, where
she held a wild party. . . .

Four men allowed into a  storm  damage  area  of Laurel
County to help clean up  were arrested for stealing metal
from leveled homes. . . .

Having finally given in on orange safety triangles on horse-
drawn buggies, state legislators seemed less than eager to
take on Amish tractors with unrubbered metal wheels dig-
ging ruts in blacktop roads  (perhaps Sandra Fluke should
be invited to address the General Assembly on the issue).

                                                                   [courtesy AP]

Secretary of State Alison Lundergan Grimes revealed
that she had selected 1,127 persons to be "Kentucky
Colonels" (the commissioning of which is a  preroga-
tive of the Governor's) in her first two months in off-
ice, of whom 675 were donors to her 2011 election
campaign.

"Given  that  her father was a past head of the state
 Democratic party, she is well versed in politics. Of
 course he was also convicted of  bilking   the  state
 with his catering company  and  of  jury tampering.
 So I guess she learned how to play loose . . . ."
  – reader comment to Louisville Courier-Journal.


          Grimes

              [courtesy
   Courier-Journal
]
[In fuller disclosure, we must admit that being a Kentucky Colonel is no big
 deal:  The editor of Tabloid Headlines is a Kentucky Colonel.  – Ed.]

Buzz words that need a nap"absolutely"  (we have railed against the misuse of this word before
        (and before):  Have you ever noticed that when people say "absolutely" they almost always
        mean "relatively,"  which is, in logic, the opposite of "absolutely"?   This most recent exam-
        ple comes from National Public Radio's  "Science  Friday"  in host Ira Flatow's interview of
        Barb Stuckey, author of Taste What You're Missing: The Passionate Eater's Guide.


Quotations of the week:
"You have to play cards on Yahoo! to realize how stupid
 people are.  Or watch the election returns."
                                                                         – Snotta Gupta


"It's a landfill election."
                                      – Leonard Pitts, Miami Herald columnist

Quotation of the weak:
"I feel that it's OK because I have no income, and I have bills to pay.
 I have two houses."
                                    – Amanda Clayton,  of suburban Detroit,  who won $1 million
                                       in the Michigan lottery and continued to collect food stamps


Birthdays: 
Bow Wow, 25
Shaquille O'Neal, 40
Kiki Dee, 65
Micky Dolenz, 67
Chuck Norris, 72
Lloyd Price, 79
Keely Smith, 80

Ornette Coleman, 82
Ara Parseghian, 89

Borf's weekly BONUS:
Passenger trains collided head-on in southern Poland
(16 persons died). . . . The top U.S. District Judge of Montana acknowledged forwarding e-mail suggesting
that President Obama's father could have been a dog.
. . .
Obama's transgender former nanny was hounded
by the press in Jakarta, Indonesia.
. . .Maryland Con-
gressman Roscoe Bartlett denied supporting a tax de-
duction for mustaches.
. . . A cannibal and a  vampire
doing life in  Swedish  prisons  fell in love on an inter-
net chat line and planned to marry. . . . A sixth-grade
girl who told a teacher,  "I don't have time for this,"
was handcuffed and taken to "Juvenile" in suburban
Denver,  Colorado.  . . . A nurse's aide in Portland,
Oregon, 
was jailed for posting photographs on her Facebook page of elderly patients  using  bed  pans.
. . . A Seattle, Washington,
man with one too many
friends on Facebook was charged with bigamy. . . .
Osama  bin  Laden's  three  widows  were charged
with illegal immigration in Pakistan. . . . An
Oxnard,
California,
junior high school science teacher, identi-
fied by the Smoking Gun as Stacie Halas,  was sus-
pended on  suspicion of moonlighting as hard-core
internet porn actress Tiffany Six.


       Amanda Clayton


                 Bartlett


    Tiffany Six (Stacie?)
[courtesy Harper's Weekly, MSNBC.com, News of the Weird, AP]


Dear Eleanor:
I recently turned 50, and I hate it.  I've had to quit
playing sports.    I was well on my way to depres-
sion when a woman half my age came into my life.

I love my wife.  We have been together more than
25 years.  I would never cheat on her.   But I can't
seem to get "Wanda" out of my head.   We  e-mail
each other and have gone out for lunch a couple of
times, and I find myself growing quite fond of her.

Is this what they call  midlife  crisis?   I  don't  know
what to do. Well, I do know what to do. I just need
to hear it from someone else.
                                                  Desperate for Help
Dear Des:
                          Am I listening to a country song?


Unopened e-mail last week included a  message from "Hesther Dudek"
        and "Sharell Schlotter."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Ruby de Luna.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



March 4, 2012:     Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Whitney Houston autopsy secrets
  PROOF it was MURDER

                                                                   [courtesy the Globe]


Whitney Houston's life reported in danger

                                                                                                      [courtesy Nathaniel Enquirer]


Whitney Houston reported not breathing

                                                                                            [courtesy Strange Times]


Whitney Houston reported  DEAD

                                                                      [courtesy the Nation Snooze]


New Whitney Museum planned in Newark

                                                                                                          [courtesy Strange Times]



White House intern Mimi Alford
 'My secret affair with JFK!'
  • Drug party with Bing Crosby
  • Sex in Jackie's bedroom
                                                                                                   [courtesy National Examiner]


Dumb news from Indiana:
Tornadoes leveled the Clark County towns of Marysville and Hen-
ryville
and killed more than two dozen persons in Southern Indiana
and Kentucky.
                                             [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

The Anderson "racino" Hoosier Park was fixing to bid on Indiana
Downs, the bankrupt "racino" at Shelbyville. . . .

A 24-year-old male Spanish teacher, a 24-year-old
male band di-
rector, and a 20-year-old
male aide were charged with having sex
with a 16-year-old boy
at North Putnam High School in Greencas-
tle.
. . .

Brown and Owen were among rural counties  returning to gravel
roads
because they can no longer afford asphalt (although maybe
that's  smart  news:  "Dirt roads are self-policing,"  Tim  Brookes
wrote in The Driveway Diaries: A Dirt Road Almanac). . . .

A dead 4-foot alligator with its chops taped shut was found in a
log jam by fishermen on the Kankakee River in Starke County.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
ESPN hottie Erin Andrews will deliver the keynote address at the
Kentucky Derby Festival's "They’re Off!" luncheon April 20. . . .

New Kentucky Secretary of State Alison Lundergan Grimes thank-
ed her campaign contributors by making them "Kentucky colonels"
– even though such commissions, supposed to be nonpolitical, must
be issued by the Governor (the Secretary of State's role is to regis-
ter
the commissions).
                                                             [courtesy Courier-Journal]

The state tourism commissioner resigned in a flap over over a contract
with a PR firm that marketed Kentucky to British tourists  with  a  web
site describing "road kill bingo."
                                                 [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Quotations of the week:
"When there are too many midwives, the baby comes out backward."
                                                                                                                – Afghan proverb


"There are too many fucking Tories in here."
                                                                        – Labour M.P. Eric Joyce, shortly before he head-
                                                                           butted Tory M.P. Stuart Andrew and slugged
                                                                           three others at a House of Commons bar

Quotations of the weak:
"I challenge you to distinguish a naked prostitute
 from any other naked woman."
                                                           – Henri Leclerc, attorney for Dominique Strauss-Kahn

"I have some great friends who are NASCAR team owners."
                                                                                                    – Mitt Romney

"There's an app for that!":  See last two items in Borf's weekly bonus, below.


Feb. 29 birthdays:
Bart Stupak, 15
Tempest Storm, 21
Rossini (1792-1868) would have been 53. (The linked Guardian blog err-
    ed initially  in calculating some leap birthday anniversaries,  pointing out
    that years ending in 00 – centenary years – normally are not leap years,
    but overlooking that centenary years divisible by 400, including the year
    2000,  are  leap  years.  The blog was corrected.  For further reference,
    renew your subscription to Scientific American – or,  see  any  reputable
    dictionary.  – Ed.)

Other birthdays in the last week: 
Justin Bieber, 18
Josh Groban, 31
Lou Reed, 70

Vivaldi (1678-1741)
Karen Carpenter (1950-1983)

Borf's weekly BONUS:
Louise Estes, of Provo,Utah,  gave birth to a third straight Leap
Day baby .  .  . Armed  guards  were stationed at the grave of
Whitney Houston,  who was buried in $300,000 worth of bling.
. . .
A Michigan man whose son died in Iraq burned a New Jer-
sey flag on his outdoor grill when he learned that American flags
were ordered flown at half-staff for Houston's funeral. . . .Hous-
ton was found to have been the subject of  10  per cent  of U.S.
media coverage in the week after her death.  .  .  . Target stores
discontinued a Whitney Houston greeting card (which had been

   

available long before her death). .  .  . Martina Navratilova was
headed  for Dancing with the Stars  (along  with,  we  presume,
Whitney Houston). . . .An Egyptian poker dealer in Las Vegas,
ready to change careers, hired another man to design a hitman-
forhire.net
web site for him  and  then  turned to Google to find
ways to kill people. . . . Padge Victoria Windslowe was arrest-
ed  in  Philadelphia,  Pennsylvania,  as  she was about to hold a
butt enhancement injection "pumping party." . . . The same Can-
adian dentist who paid $31,000 for John Lennon's pulled molar
four months ago got a gold crown  from  Elvis  Presley's  mouth
for only $10,000 at auction. . . .  Sperm and ova were declared
persons in a resolution passed by the city council of Wilmington,
Delaware. . . . A Frenchman sued Google over a "Street View"
photo of him pissing in his front yard.  . . . The "auto-correction"
of a student's intercepted text message resulted in the lockdown
of two schools in Gainesville,  Georgia  –  "gunna be at west hall
today" was "corrected" to "gunman . . . "  (our "spell check" sug-
gests "gonna" – Ed.).

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

    

The sports:


Dear Eleanor:
My husband, "Harry," and I have been married for
32 years.  Recently Harry lost his job to disability.

Six months ago Harry suggested we sell the house
and move to his home town two hours away. I re-
fused  because of my two jobs  and  our  children,
who live near us.  Harry says he spends too much
time alone while I work.   I have tried to find hob-
bies for him,  but now he says he is going  "home"
without me.  He said he still wants to "date" me.

Does Harry still love me? Will I have to find a third
job to make the house payments?
                                                            Nervous Nell
Dear Nellie:
                        What a coincidence!  My husband's name
                        is Harry!  But he works.

                        I'm concerned that you're  not  concerned
                        about losing Harry;  you're  concerned  a-
                        bout losing his disability check.  Get a job.



Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Carlye Allain"
        and "Gabriela Delaper."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't   forget!   Readers  interested  in  intellectual
dissection  of  important  current  events  are invited to
attend  the  Weekly World News Round Table  at  the
offices of Borf Books outside Brownsville,  Kentucky,
just after church every Sunday.    Guest speakers lined
up for meetings in the near future include
Sandra Fluke. >

                            'Slut'


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


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