Hollywood moms out of control (Enq)

J. Ewing wrote Sun 2/17/2013 @10:37 EST:

In response to last week's item about oxygen and smoking in Indiana: Imagine yourself in the early 1980's, sitting in a boring continuing education class when one of the instructors utters the fateful words: "If anyone is interested in going with a group of nurses for a clinical tour of the U.S.S.R., see me during the break." A wild hair is suddenly lodged in your ass: It distinctly says, "You need to stand in Red Square."

You  experience an out-of-body moment  as you find yourself at the
break asking questions about just what one has to do to go to RUS-
SIA!

Your Dad drives you to the airport where you will get your connect-
ing flight to NYC and on to Commie Land.  Your Dad breaks down
in tears as he knows this is the last time he will have seen his insolent
young pup because she will mouth something off to a Russian spy and
will be stuck in Siberia for life.  You  assure your Dad  that  after  one
week they'll pay him to take you back.  He  believes  you.  You then
become acquainted with the wonderful features of Aeroflot:

• High percentages of crashes and planes that disappear
• Landing wheels without tread
• The stewardess who looks like a linebacker for the Green Bay Packers
• Lipstick on the rim of the glass of in-flight murky water you are given
• Decades of dried shit on the walls of the one bathroom in the tail section
• Fighting flies who love the shit on the walls
• Tying on your shredded seat belt on
• Seats loosely bolted to the floor for easy removal in military emergency
• The upside down dead pig in the aisle, that you are now eye to eye with
• Fast vertical takeoff
• Pilots boarding the plane with wine bottles in their string bags

Etc., etc., etc.   Anyway, somewhere in the skies between Baku and Kiev
you happen to spot a little old lady with a cigarette in her hand. You then
notice that she has her elbow propped up on the one oxygen tank in the
plane.  Your life flashes before you.  She speaks no English. You and sev-
eral others gently try to speak The King's English slow enough so that she
might somehow magically comprehend a foreign language, and you all use
smooth flowing gestures  –  so as to not frighten her  –  trying your best to
pantomime, "PUT YOUR CIGARETTE DOWN,  YOU BOLSHEVIK
BITCH,  OR YOU ARE GOING TO BLOW US ALL UP!!!!"    She
just smiles and nods and takes another puff.   The Packers linebacker ap-
pears and brusquely tells us Yankee Dogs to leave Comrade Svetlana a-
lone.

But you land, on wheels.  After being used and abused and jostled in an
airport bus,  taking  you  to  what you expect to be another flying coffin,
emblazoned with winged hammer and sickle, you round a bend to see a
FinnAir plane.  The bus occupants break out in spontaneous applause.
You shake the hands of the stewardesses that don't look like football
players.   You  giggle  and  smile  at various remarks heard around the
craft:  "Look, my seat belt buckles!" – "There's NO FLIES in here!" –
"My glass is clean!". . . .

              To be continued . . . (NEXT:  Jan's adventures in Red Square)

        
A Fort Wayne man who called police for help in remov-
ing a stray cat from his home  was  arrested  for  animal
cruelty when it was found cowering behind a bed, miss-
ing a tooth. . . . .

A hair stylist who bought lottery tickets for eight co-work-
ers in a  salon  pool  claimed to have purchased the $9.5-
million winning ticket for herself, separately.

                                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A Louisville man accused of shooting and killing his fi-
ancée at their shared house claimed that she shot at him
first (Oscar Pistorius, he's not). . . .

Maker's Mark, in a retreat reminiscent of that of Coca-
Cola's in the wake of its introduction of the New Coke,
reversed  its plan  to  reduce  the  proof  of  its  premier
bourbon from 90 to 84.
                                          [courtesy Courier-Journal]

A Rockfield man who bit off the head of a baby bird in
a YouTube video was found guilty of animal cruelty.

                                    [courtesy Park City Daily News]

Lexington's most wanted Heather Curtis, WF, 24, 5'2", 180 lbs

                                                                                [courtesy Herald-Leader]

"It was eerie.  So we stood there.  And then somebody joked, 'Now the green men
 will crawl out and say hello'."
                                                            – Ms. Borchininova, Chelyabinsk barmaid

"That's just awful, Bradley."
                                                – YouTube voice-over of man biting bird's head off

"Society has accepted social media as a major form of communication, and so have I."

    – a Clayton County, Georgia, policeman who notified a woman of her 30-year-old son's
       death by posting on her Clutterbook Facebook page (because the message did not come
       from a "friend," it wound up in an "Other" folder and the mother did not see it for a month –
       besides which, it was posted by a "Misty Hancock" with a profile picture of the rapper TI)

Did you hear about the new 1-atom microchip?  One electron
moves to indicate "on" or "off."  E.g:

Old McDonald had a farm in Silicon Valley;
He sang, "I-O-I-O-0."
Farm now fits on postage stamp,
McDonald's head in cloud.

                                                                                            – D. Hopkins

Saint Jadwiga, Queen of Poland (1374-1399)
Copernicus (1473-1543)
Chopin (1810-1849)
Yoko Ono, 80
Louise Woodward, 35
Lee Boyd Malvo, 28

The Jiangdu District of China ordered kindergarten teachers
to hug each pupil twice a day  –  unless a kid's parents have
failed to pay the $12.80 monthly hugging fee.  . . .  A Texas
woman was pulled over by police  near  Memphis,  Tennes-
see, who mistook an Ohio State University Buckeye sticker
on her car for a marijuana logo. . . . Bud Light was found to
be the most popular alcoholic drink among people under 21
years of age. . . . "Patient  John,"  volunteer  booster  of the
Heart Attack Grill  in  Las Vegas,  Nevada,  died of a heart
attack waiting for a bus outside the café. .  .  . Angela Mer-
kel was depicted on a carnival float in Cologne,  Germany,
as a sow suckling lesser European nations. . . .Clutterbook
Facebook apologized for a user's inability to post her actu-
al birth year, 1908.

The Board of Adjustment  of Clyde Hill,  Washington,  sided
with John Olerud in ordering removal of two trees on a neigh-
bor's property that blocked the former baseball star's view of
the Seattle skyline. . . .

Oscar  Pistorius  was nominated for the  2013  Dog  Ate  My
Homework  award. . . .

         

Ugly white boy Skylar McBee, starting guard for the University of Tennessee basketball team, is a candidate for this year's Kurt Rambis award

I am a grandmother, in my 60's.  I was excited
to learn about Facebook and start conversing
with friends and relatives.  I love seeing all of
their pictures and videos and reading of their
statuses and comments.  I always make com-
ments and give compliments on their pictures
etc.  But is it wrong for me to be hurt and re-
sentful when some of them completely ignore
me in return?

I believe you can find out a lot about people by
friending them on Facebook.  You discover
which ones are really interested in you and
which ones simply like to post pictures of
themselves.  It is so self-centered.

                                            – Hurt in Virginia

Herbert Saxon Unretired prof at Ivy Tech Community College Add Friend

Eric C. Yates Owner at Yates Music Co Add Friend

Len wrote Sun 2/10/13 @07:50 EST:

Re "Pastor" Bell, I have exactly as much claim to the title of Rev. Dr.,
UCTAA Bishop of Oakland County, Michigan. You may address me
as such.  Or not.  Whatever.  I'm going to try this at Applebee's later.

One passenger lit a cigarette as another puffed on oxygen in a car on
I-70 near Centerville, and BOOM!  The car exploded, killing the two
and injuring the driver and another passenger.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

An 8-year-old boy was dropped off the school bus at his old home on
Indianapolis' West Side, three miles from his new home (strangers pick-
ed him up and gave him a ride home).
                                                                [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A Louisville man charged with murder was  having  trouble
getting a lawyer after running through eight attorneys in five
years, threatening to kill two of them.

                                                  [courtesy Courier-Journal]

Jamie  Coots,  pastor of the Full Gospel Tabernacle in Jesus
Name Church in Middlesboro,  was returning from Alabama
with three copperheads and two rattlesnakes he had acquired
for his services; they were seized in Knoxville, Tennessee, and
he wants them back. . . .

Lexington's most wanted Jennifer Owens, WF, 23, 5'4", 110 lbs, Jurika Wade, BF, 23, 5"4", 230 lbs. Jennifer Bishop, WF, 40, 5'3", 120 lbs

                                                                                                [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

"Karl Rove is 'a total loser,' scoffed Donald Trump, who knows a thing
 or two about losing."                                                                                  – Clarence Page

"This is a disaster area, and you will be treated as such."
                                                                                          – Mississippi tornado relief administrator

"This is not about he and I."
                                               – Rand Paul

Listing:

• as a ship, or leaning (as a Baptist), or
  
• as in "bulleting," or numbering.

                                                                  – D. Hopkins

Alex Jones, 39
Sarah Palin, 49
Sheryl Crow, 51
Melissa Manchester, 62
Joyce Penelope Wilhelmina Frankenberg ("Jane Seymour"), 62
Ron Cey, 65
Kim Novak, 80

Josh White (1914-1969)

The Stars & Bars flew for two more hours over the Missi-
sippi Supreme Court building  (it was a  mistake,  officials
said). . . . Porn star Annie Sprinkle conducted a sex sem-
inar at a University of Illinois dormitory,  including an "or-
gasm workshop." .  .  .  A veteran police officer shot him-
self in the foot in Upper Gwynedd, Pennsylvania. . . . Sy-
rian soldiers bobbed and swayed to  Usher's  R & B  hit
"Yeah!" . . .  Mahmoud Ahmadinejad vowed to follow I-
ran's monkey into space.  . . .  A black couple sued Dis-
neyland for racism  after  the  White  Rabbit  refused  to
touch their children. . . .A Hawaiian albatross said to be
the world's oldest bird hatched a chick at 62. . . . An e-
mu was rustled from a wildlife park at  Doonside,  Aus-
tralia. . . . Swedes found that fish got the munchies from
tranquilizers that passed through sewage treatment.  . . .
Ernest Evans, more famously known as "Chubby Check-
er," sued Hewlett-Packard over a penis-sizing app called
the "chubby checker."

The Judge revoked the bond of the University of Alaba-
ma fan accused of poisoning Auburn's oak trees,  after
learning that he had been arrested in Louisiana  (trial is
scheduled April 8). . . .

Kangaroos delay (others') play the Australian Women's Golf Open Tournament at Canberra

WE ARE GETTING TIRED  OF  PEOPLE
TELLING US  THAT THE USE OF CAPI-
TAL LETTERS IN OUR E-MAIL MEANS
WE ARE  "SHOUTING"  AT  THEM.  WE
ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED AND HAVE
FRIENDS WITH EYE CANCER, GLAU-
COMA, CATARACTS, AND MACULAR
DEGENERATION. WE ARE LUCKY WE
CAN STILL USE COMPUTERS BUT WE
ARE  UNABLE  TO  READ  THE SMALL
PRINT OF MOST MESSAGES.  WE AP-
PRECIATE  AND  NEED  THE CAPITAL
LETTERS.
                                                        – WENDY

Homeland security: Fighting terrorism since 1492

 

Celebrity lookalikes: James Taylor, Stanwood Fred Elkus

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 2/3/13 @13:39 EST:

Oprah Winfrey, 69?

Despite how much you may love to hate her, "Okra" is one decade
younger than you reported.

That's a wrong mistake,  all  right.  She was born in 1954;  and the year of
birth was our source, not a report of her age itself.  We have not maintain-
ed adequate records to tell you whether the mistake was a typo  or a result
of doing the arithmetic in our head  (we'd like to call it the former;  but no
excuse, either way).  So, do we need a copy reader,  a "fact checker,"  or a
proofreader?  We'd like to have all three.  Any volunteers?  Ten per cent of
the profits.   – Ed.


J. Ewing wrote Sun 2/3/13 @07:01 EST re the pastor who was "autotipped"
18 per cent at Applebee's:

It appears that "his bill" should be "her bill" (Alois Bell).  The word
"pastor"  also appears to be  a  self-appointed title  adopted by Bell
sometime  after  she  “gave her life to Christ in 1997 while she was
pregnant and homeless with her youngest son.”  The  Smoking  Gun
further notes, "Living at the time in a Catholic homeless shelter, Bell
recalled that she was laying in her bed one afternoon when 'the Lord
touched her heart and she invited him in'."  Perhaps  if  "Pastor" Bell
had not previously invited others into her heart and bed,  she  would
not have found herself pregnant, homeless and a guest of the Catho-
lics?

"Pastor" Bell, who is also an "author," heads a 15-member storefront
church.  Going out to eat appears to be a  post-"church"  activity  for
her and her flock – 10 of whom (5 adults and 5 children) were dining
with her at Applebee's on that fateful day.  "Pastor" Bell  lodged  the
complaint with the management of Applebee's  saying  she had been
"mortified"  and  her  reputation  "ruined"  by the on-line post of her
snarky  note  on  the  receipt.  Gawker noted, "The pastor called it a
'lapse in my character and judgment' that 'has been blown out of pro-
portion.'   Somewhat an ironic statement coming from someone who
ordered Applebee's to fire everyone who came into contact with the
receipt."

Other titles have also been recently assigned to "Pastor" Bell, such as
"cheap," "sanctimonious," "arrogant" and "rude."  Some of the head-
lines over this incident:

• Alois Bell Applebee's debacle detonates explosive reactions against Christianity
• Pastor stiffs Applebee's server, uses tithing as excuse, gets server fired
• Web slams pastor after posted image of cheapskate receipt gets waitress fired
• Applebee's waitress fired for sharing rude tip receipt
• God's gratuity: Not tipping in the name of the Lord
• Holier-than-thou pastor refuses to tip waitress, then gets her fired

Yeah, well, our bad.  Alois is one of those unisex names, and we did not read
deep enough into the story to see the pronoun "she" (applied to her).

But let us say this about that:  We're all for the  pastor,  and all over the res-
taurant.  In the first place, the standard tip is still 15 per cent, not 18 per cent.
Ask Emily Post.  It's 20 per cent or more if you get good service or feel gen-
erous.

And adding the "gratuity" to a bill is the restaurant's way of ensuring it is com-
plying with minimum wage law while dodging minimum wage law.  It's  Apple-
bee's face that should be red all over the web,  not Pastor Bell's.  Our message
on scratching out the automatically added 18 per cent would have been secular:
"Earn it, bitch"  (and, "If your employer must embarrass you by billing the tip
we would gladly give you for good service – and, in cash, so it would not show
up on your W-2 form at the end of the year – report it to your state's wage and
hour enforcement agency").

As for "pastor," who needs credentials?  Do you need credentials to be an athe-
ist?  Was Jesus ordained?

And as for the "Smoking Gun," it's lying in bed, not "laying in bed,"  you dumb
sons of bitches.
                                                                                    – Editor, Tabloid Headlines

Tony Dean wrote Sun 2/3/13 @11:18 CST:

LOL about  "methodology."  That's one of those jargon terms you just
get used to using in the biz.  Seems  like  "methodology"  should mean
"the study of methods" rather than a hyped-up term for method. In the
late  '90's,  communications engineers began referring to the dozens of
numbers describing a communications protocol as its "numerology."  I
always thought it was tongue-in-cheek to do so,  but maybe not – en-
gineers only privately admit to a sense of humor.

By the way,  given the analysis following quotations of the weak,  do
you  think  IBM  should be considered plural?   I certainly agree that
"boy scouts" is plural,  but "Boy Scouts" is just a nickname for "Boy
Scouts of America corporation."

Given that International Business Machines "is" rarely referred to  as anything
but "IBM," we're comfortable with "IBM is."  It doesn't grate, as "Boy Scouts
does."  And there's another reason to treat IBM as singular:  Its full name is In-
ternational Business Machines Corporation (you won't find this on IBM's own
web  site,  but you will in the Kentucky Secretary of State's data base  and, we
presume, in other official data bases).  So when you say IBM, it's short not for
just International Business Machines, but for International Business Machines
Corporation (singular).  ("Corporation" is not part of Boy Scouts of America's
full corporate name.)

But you have raised a valid issue,  as you did with "numerology" (and L. Ron
Hubbard did with "scientology").
                                                                                                                – Editor


Joy Vermillion Goins,  of Mount Washington, Ky.,  wrote to the Editor of
the Louisville Courier-Journal on Saturday 2/2/13:

Kentucky's Senators Mitch McConnell  and Rand Paul  are  exactly
why the rest of the country holds such low opinions about Kentuck-
ians – that we are hillbillies.

Most of the media reported that a 22-year-old Anderson man was
sentenced to 12 to 18 years in prison for shooting a police dog but
he got only 2 years for killing the dog – the rest of the 18-year sen-
tence,  of which 6 were to be served on probation,  was  for  bank
robbery and other associated felonies.

                                                 [courtesy Anderson Herald-Bulletin]

Tonik, the poodle / Shih Tzu with a human face found in a kill shelter in Kentucky, wound up waiting for adoption at a rescue shelter in Mishawaka, Indiana

Karl Rove's American Crossroads super PAC unleashed an attack
ad on Ashley Judd, who is not running but is being urged to run for
Senator against Mitch McConnell, pointing out that she lives in Ten-
nessee and hobnobs with liberals (such as Barack Obama and Nan-
cy Pelosi).
                                            [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Sarah  Jones,  the saucy former Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader cum
Kentucky high school teacher cum teen-age boy seducer, was found
to have violated her probation by going to Ohio for a  TV  interview,
and was ordered to wear an ankle bracelet. . . .

Lexington's most wanted: Janai Grey, 25, BF, 5'2", 150 lbs, Linlee Shipp, 29, WF, 5'4", 125 lbs, Stephanie Burchett, 21, WF, 5'3", 115 lbs (We want Stephanie! - Ed.)

                                                            [courtesy Herald-Leader]

"A slight monkey on a suborbital flight is nothing to get excited about."

                                            – George Washington University "space policy professor" John
                                                Logsden, commenting on Iran's recent venture into space

"There was no goldfish boiled, there was no hamster taped to the ceiling."

                          – the aunt of an Irish boy whose home was trashed by 170 drunken teens
                             who arrived for his 16th birthday party pursuant to invitation published on
                             Clutterbook Facebook, denying some damage reports that had gone "viral"

"The winter weather advisory for the eastern portion of our listening area ends this
 morning at 7 6 Central."
                                           – weather girl on WKYU-FM, Bowling Green, Ky., no part of whose
                                              "eastern" listening area lies in the Central time zone – and this
                                              recorded announcement continued periodically past 8 a.m. Cen-
                                              tral (9 Eastern – you have to listen to this dipshit to believe her)

"The Iraqi government, when you talk to them,  blames the increase in attacks on other
 countries, on Baathists . . . .  They say there's no coordination left between intelligence
 services or the Iraqi army or any of the police forces . .  .  .  All of the political tension
 that we've seen for a long time is now married with unrest on the ground."

                                                                – Jane Arraf, of the Christian Science Monitor and Al
                                                                   Jazeera, on National Public Radio's Morning Edition

"More than 50 Burmese pythons were captured in the Florida Everglades in a
 month-long manhunt."
                                        – Dave Mattingly, NPR News

"If you know how many guns you have, you don’t have enough."

                                                – bumper sticker on car of Congressman Thomas Massie (R-Ky.)

"Autograph":  Shouldn't this mean a depiction of a car?
                                                                                        – D. Hopkins

Dan Quisenberry (1953-1998)
Mary Steenburgen, 60
Alice Cooper, 65
Dan Quayle, 66
Al Kooper, 69
Stompin' Tom Connors, 76
Roberta Flack, 76
Leontyne Price, 86
Claude King, 90
Belle Starr (1848-1889)

Frito-Lay brought out Taco Bell Doritos,  which  they  said
will taste like Taco Bell's  Doritos  Loco  tacos,  which  are
supposed to taste like Doritos. ... A man on trial in Ottawa,
Canada,  for stabbing a couple in their home,  testified  that
the SUV he was driving with bloody knives in the back seat
had been given to him by a mysterious stranger he met while
out  buying  milk  ("I was pretty excited about it,"  he said –
"free car, you know"). . . .  Penelope Soto, 18, arrested for
illegally possessing Xanax in Miami, Florida, gave the judge
the finger at a bond hearing – and,  guess what?   Her bond
was raised,  and she was sentenced to  a  month  in jail  for
contempt of court (and, guess what else! It's on video!). ...
Second-graders  in  Buffalo,  New York,  were assigned to
spell-check  "tweets"  by  National Football League players
(catches included "dieing,"  "alot,"  and "wit" for with).  . . .
Monopoly players voted on line to add a cat to the dilcods
and retire the iron. . .  . A factory maintenance worker quit
his job  in  Clarksville,  Tennessee,  because his W-2 form
was serial numbered 666 ("It would mean I worked for the
Devil,"  said Walter Slonopas).  . . . The same circus PETA
complained about in Indiana canceled a  boxing  match be-
tween a clown and a kangaroo in Oxford,  Tennessee. . . .
The  pastor  of Christ the King Lutheran Church  of  New-
town, Connecticut, was chastised by the governing Missou-
ri Lutheran Synod  for giving the benediction at an interfaith
vigil after the Sandy Hook school massacre –  attended  by
President Obama and Connecticut's governor – thus  giving
the impression that he condoned joint worship. . . . An Am-
ish sect leader convicted in a series of beard-cutting attacks
in Ohio was sentenced to  15  years  in prison  (prosecutors
had asked for a life sentence). . . .City workers painted lines
around a legally parked car in Tel Aviv, Israel, painted a han-
dicap marker beneath it, towed the car, and fined the owner
and slapped her with tow and storage fees. . . .An MRI ma-
chine in a doctor's office being investigated for a burglary  in
Carol Stream, Illinois, sucked up a policeman's gun. . . .Flo-
rida incurred feminist wrath with a new business recruitment
logo featuring a man's necktie.
                    

Manti Te'o tied with Lance Armstrong in a Forbes/Nielsen poll for least
liked  athlete  in  America,  each with a 15 per cent appeal rating.  Tiger
Woods was third, with 19 per cent,  followed by Jay Cutler  and  Metta
World Peace,  21 per cent apiece,  Alex Rodriguez,  22 per cent,   and
Michael Vick, who moved up to 23 per cent.  Kurt Busch,  Tony Romo
and Kobe Bryant also made the bottom ten, but LeBron James and Plax-
ico Burress dropped out; and Ray Lewis wasn't there, either. . . .

The more-than-half-hour power outage at the Super Bowl (at New Or-
leans' Superdome)  was traced to a new electric relay of which the sole
purpose was to prevent power outages.

And where were Bush and "Brownie" when the power outage suspend-
ed play? Ah, well, New Orleans was doin' a hell of a job without them.
Remember the politicians who caught hell for suggesting  letting  New
Orleans go after Hurricane Katrina?  They were right.  And . . .

Leave it to Beyoncé to come up with the trashiest and most forgettable
halftime show in Super Bowl history.  Beyoncé  is  history.  Henceforth
she will be referred to in Tabloid Headlines as "Beyondsay."

And leave it to Alicia Keys  to come up with the most lugubrious rendi-
tion of the Star Spangled Banner – 2 minutes and 45 seconds for a 32-
bar 3/4 song,  including a 15-seccond coda that put Francis Scott Key
back  to  sleep  after  he  rolled  over.  The U.S. Marine band typically
does it in 1:10, and that's dragging it a bit.  Here's the way it should be
done, in an anonymous version from the 1940's at 1:05. (The tradition
of  personal  and  awful  began with José Feliciano at the 1968 World
Series).

My 50-something male cousin has taken a 20-
something  learning-disabled female cousin  in
to live with him.  He  calls it  "mentoring,"  but
some in the family are concerned. What's your
take?
                                                        – Wondering

 

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines – or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)

J. Ewing wrote Sun 1/27/13 @11:05 EST re last week's
cat "link with photo":

Oh, dear god.  What is underneath that poor cat?  Why,
it looks like common DIRT!911! DIRT WITH ROCKS!
If that sweet little kitty had been  LOVED  and  CARED
FOR,  it would have been provided with this:
http://japandailypress.com/housing-company-designs-home-to-keep-cats-and-their-owners-happy-2522215
I'm calling the ASPCA!!!  RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!

That is our famous author, Pecker the Cat.  And it is not actually
her death photo (even though it's file-named "deadcat.gif").  She
was just rolling around in the dirt, for fun!  She died some years
later of being eaten by a coon hound.  Whom we tracked down
and executed, she was so enormously loved.
                                                                                     – Editor

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 1/27/13 @11:20 PST:

Dumb news from Kentucky last week beat the Indiana e-
quivalent hands down: 8 to 4!

The Editor replied, in a private e-mail:

Quantitatively, perhaps – but Kentucky could not match pro-
hibiting kangaroo boxing in Connersville or 60-mile teen girl
Clutterbook Facebook rage.

To which Mr. Dean replied Mon 1/18/13 @10:33 PST:

True,  dat.  The story of the dippy teen-ager's long drive to
beat up her Facebook adversary gives new meaning to the
Mafia cautionary "We know where you live."

And we failed to mention in last week's item that she drove the 60
miles in a pickup truck!  We apologize to our readers for omitting
this redneck element.
                                                                                            –Editor

Charges against the Lafayette woman accused of posting her 14-
year-old daughter's nude photo on Clutterbook Facebook were
dismissed because the trail of digital evidence was lost in cyber-
space. . . .
                                      [courtesy Lafayette Journal & Courier]

A house fire in Indianapolis killed 11 dogs and 4 cats as fire fight-
ers could not get through hoarded clutter to save them  (the  lone
human resident, awakened by the dogs, escaped). . . .

                                                                    [courtesy WDRB-TV]

A Connersville couple was in trouble for rescuing an injured fawn,
and the Department of Natural Resources was seeking to  "put  it
down" (but the DNR relented after a media storm of sympathy)....

                                                                [courtesy the Inquisitor]

A motorist was slapped and a pedestrian was stabbed in separate
road rage incidents on Indianapolis' northwest side. . . .

                                                        [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

In  a  poll  conducted by the Louisville Courier-Journal
and SurveyUSA, 33 per cent of Kentuckians said Ash-
ley Judd would be a better senator than Mitch McCon-
nell, 45 per cent said she's not qualified to be a United
States senator,  19 per cent said they didn't  care  and
there are better candidates than  "her" (sic)  to be talk-
ing about, and 2 per cent said her pending divorce will
free her to return to Kentucky  and  run.  (Your editor
tried to vote for "all of the above," but that option was
not available.)
                                        [courtesy Courier-Journal]

  

Lexington's most wanted: Paige Howard, 24, WF, 5'5", 140 lbs

                [courtesy Herald-Leader]

"We must stop being the stupid party."
                                                                – Bobby Jindal

"I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would agree with me if he were alive today,  that if African-
 Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from Day One of the country’s
 founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history."

                                                                     – Larry Ward, chairman, "Gun Appreciation Day"

"We were last on civil rights, but we can be first on human rights."

                                                                        – Mississippi anti-abortion activist Terri Herring

"The Boy Scouts of America is wrestling with whether to change its national policy on gays."

                                                                                    – Renée Montagne, National Public Radio

"Brooks says he doesn't want the Boy Scouts to change its policy."

                                                                    – Kathy Lohr, National Public Radio

Joe Brooks, of Buchanan, Georgia, himself said, "I think they should be able to have the right
to say"  (emphasis added).  Note:  "Boy Scouts of America" is the name of a Title 36 congres-
sionally chartered corporation. But the term includes also scouts, scoutmasters, directors and
the corporation itself.   Plural,  please.   Scouts are (whether of America or elsewhere).  If you
want to say "is," in reference to the organization and not its members, you can say, "The Boy
Scouts of America corporation is . . . ."

If you want people to say "is" and "has" about you,  include "Corporation" or "Inc." or "Asso-
ciation" (or "Corp." or "Assn." or somesuch) in your name:  Note to a certain lawyer we know
for American Atheists Inc., who wants to use the term American Atheists without the Inc. yet
still wants, and wants others, to use singular verbs with simply "American Atheists" ("is"). Re-
minds us of our college roommate  Charles  A.  T.  Foreman,  who signed his name exactly that
way but got disappointed when people did not call him Tom  (the T. stood for "Tommie,"   his
actual third given name – the A. stood for "Arthur").

                                                                                                        – Tabloid Headlines grammar Nazi

I was using the internet long before Al Gore invented it, and at
least a decade before the "world wide web" (a/k/a "The Web")
made the scene. The internet is the network and the web utili-
zes the network to post html pages.

                    – Stephen Yates, Sun 1/27/13 @09:22 CST
 

The "Internet" is short for "internet protocol"  (a nickname for TCP/IP),
which is a communications protocol derived from ARPANET, originally
developed by DARPA.  Imagine  that!  The Internet used to be military!
And Al Gore may have actually had something to to with ARPANET.

The  internet  protocol  is a commonly accepted methodology for trans-
mitting files and messages between remote locations  and is pretty mun-
dane.  The Word Wide Web, however, is a higher layer protocol which
uses internet protocol  as  a  conveyance.  It was developed by Sir Tim
Berners-Lee  (not   Al),  and supports the use of  hyperlinks,  those little
thingies (such as the one in the opening paragraph)  which  allow  us  to
bounce willy-nilly from page to page.   It's sort of like the difference be-
tween the "L" in Chicago  and the actual train  that rides on the elevated
railway. We say we "take the L," but we really mean that we ride a train
on the elevated railway.
                                        – Tony Dean, Mon 1/28/13 @11:46 CST

Good points, all.  We especially like that analogy to the "L" (they have one of
those in New York, too,  did you know?).  We might point out also that trans-
mission  and  receipt  of e-mail and software updates,  transmission  of  some
"viruses" and "worms," and "cloud" storage are functions of the internet that
do  not  directly  involve  the hypertext markup language (html) pages posted
on the "web."

But in the notion of something seen or posted "on the internet,"  which was
the focus of our question last week  (however unclearly we expressed that),
it's a "distinction without a difference," as lawyers like to say.  Same thing.

And, are we using the words "web" and "world wide web" too restrictively?
Consider this definition of "web" from the Compact Oxford English Diction-
ary On Line:
                            2. a complex system of interconnected elements . . .
                            (the Web) the World Wide Web  or  the Internet [em-
                            phasis added]
                                                        even though it defines "World Wide Web"
as "an information system  on  the Internet  [emphasis added] . . . ."
                                                                                                                            – Editor
P.S.  "Methodology"?  Funny way to spell "method."

A happiness app developed by a psychologist  costs
only 99 cents (but it works only on an I-Phone – i.e.,
you may have to have an I-Phone to be happy).

Jennifer Yates, 39
Sarah McLachlan, 45
Oprah Winfrey, 69
Germaine Greer, 74
Eleanor Smeal, 74
Ray Sawyer ("Dr. Hook"), 76
Ernie Banks, 82
Mr. Acker Bilk, 84

A woman's torso was found in a garbage bin in Kitchener,
Ontario, wearing a T-shirt bearing the slogan "Forget prin-
cess I want to be a vampire." . . . Women chanting "Jesus,
Jesus,  Jesus"  scared a robber out of the house of  a  wo-
man  holding  a jewelry party  in  Lake  City,  Florida. . . .
Danilo Jacques,  member of the band whose pyrotechnics
started a fire that  killed  231  persons  in a Brazilian night
club, died when he went back in to retrieve his accordion.
.  .  . A 75-year-old retired barber shot and killed his 52-
year-old urologist  in the doctor's exam room in Newport
Beach, California. . . . A 24-year-old man from Boaz, Al-
abama, was injured in an automobile accident, was taken
to the hospital in an ambulance, then stole a running ambu-
lance to escape because he was suspected of DUI, crash-
ed the ambulance, entered a barn and failed an attempt to
saddle two horses to continue his getaway, stole an SUV,
crashed and totaled it, stole another SUV,  drove it home,
then got arrested  when he returned to the hospital the fol-
lowing day for treatment of his initial injuries. . . . A pastor
of the World Deliverance Ministries Church of Granite Ci-
ty, Illinois,  scratched out the 18 per cent tip automatically
added to his bill at an Applebee's restaurant  in St. Louis,
Missouri, and wrote in "I give God 10% Why do you get
18?";  the waitress posted a copy on line,  and – she was
fired. ... An 18-pound cat was going swimming to reduce
weight in Dulles, Virginia. . . . Iceland's Blaer Bjarkardot-
tir,  known officially as Stulka ("Girl") the first 15 years of
her life because Blaer was not on an approved list, won a
court decision allowing her to use her given name.  . . .  A
truck driver butt-dialed 911 in Orange City, Florida, while
having a conversation with two passengers about  dealing,
and got busted. . . .  A correction from Harper's Weekly:
It was belatedly reported that the  cleaning  woman  who
took a  joy  ride  on the commuter railroad in Stockholm,
Sweden, started the train by accident.

      [courtesy Harper's Weekly, HuffPost, MSNBC, AP]

Alicia  Keys  has been engaged to sing the National Anthem
at today's Super Bowl  (Beyoncé, who has been engaged for
the halftime show this year,  sang it at the Super Bowl  press
conference  Thursday,  a  capella,  and  live).  "Prop bets" in-
clude how long it will take Keys to sing the 3/4, 16-bar song
(and in what manner she will fuck it up).  Listen, please, and
give us your impressions. . . .

San Francisco 49ers cornerback Chris Culliver will begin sen-
sitivity training immediately after the Super Bowl, his PR man
said  (Culliver said,  at "Super Bowl Media Day" last Tuesday,
that there were no homosexuals on his team and that he would
not welcome one). . . .

         

Basketball hottie Monique Reid, University of Louisville forward, sneaks between U. of Cincinnati defenders Jeanise Randolph (33) and Chelsea Jamison (Courier-Journal photo by Michael Clevenger)

We recently lost our dear dog, "Buster," and are
considering getting another dog.    I want to find
one  who is the same breed and color,  call  him
"Buster,"  and  go  on  as if his predecessor  had
not died, but, rather, had a stroke and needed to
be retrained.

My wife thinks I'm crazy.  What do you think?

                                                                – Ralph