Jonathan Polacheck wrote Sun 8/18/13 @21:34 CDT re the judge
who ordered a feuding couple to rename their child, Messiah:

Commas count!

For another letter to the editor, see "Roots and grafts," below.

A  56-year-old  woman riding in the back of a pickup truck in Maren-
go was killed when the truck ran into a tree while being chased by po-
lice for defective tail lights.
                                                                [courtesy Associated Press]

A 22-year-old man walking the railroad tracks and listening to music
on headphones east of Michigan City was struck by an Amtrak train
going 110 miles per hour – and lived.
                                                                         [courtesy WMAQ-TV]

A 13-year-old Indianapolis girl threatened, on Clutterbook Facebook,
to kill another girl at her school by cutting off her head, putting it on the
porch and scattering her body parts in the yard. She said she knew "99
ways to kill and never get caught."
                                                                [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A 44-year-old woman jumped from a moving car driven by her 20-year-
old son in Franklin and was run over by a rear wheel and killed. . . .

Army scientists found a new use for Kentucky tobacco:  Hosting a bio-
tic found effective against Ebola.
                                                        [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Hottie of the week: Molly Adam, computer teacher at Tully Elementary in Louisville on first day of school

Runner-up: Toni Konz, education reporter, Louisville Courier-Journal

Lexington's most wanted: Kristy Redmon, WF, 34, 5'3", 110 lbs, Erica Velazquez, WF, 28, 5'0", 230 lbs

                                                                                                      [courtesy Herald-Leader]
We want Kristy.  They can have Erica.  – Editor

"There is room for everyone in Egypt, and we are cautious about every drop
  of Egyptian blood."
                                                                     – General Abdul Fattah al-Sisi

"We don't have anything that we didn't receive."

                                                            – Russell Moore, president of the Southern Baptist Con-
                                                               vention Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission

"Olympian Oscar Pistorius has been formally indicted . . . ."

                                                                               – Dave Mattingly, National Public Radio
                                                                               – Jean Cochran, National Public Radio

"There's a little 20 per cent chance of rain today . . . ."

                                                                  – Joe Corcoran, WKYU-FM, Bowling Green, Ky.

"In the [courtroom] audience, Kim Camm's parents and Camm's
  relatives sobbed quietly."
                                                                – Grace Schneider, in the Louisville Courier-Journal

Henry Velenosi wrote Sun 8/18/13 @08:25 PDT:

Prior to 1959,   the height limit for buildings in Los Angeles  was
13  stories  (except for City Hall,  which had 29).  For  the  next
10 or 12 years,  the TV newscasters and newspapers limited the
term "high rise" to buildings over 13 stories.  As time has passed,
the news definition of a high rise in LA has become anything over
three stories, as in "12 killed in fire in high-rise apartment building." 

Amy Fisher, 39
Marlee Matlin, 48
Mary Matalin, 60
Tipper Gore, 65
Bill Clinton, 67
Jackie DeShannon, 69
Barbara Eden, 82
Sean Connery, 83

A Toledo, Ohio, man who purchased a Mexican-made
safe on the internet found 285 pounds of  marijuana  in-
side. . . . A gun safety instructor accidentally shot a stu-
dent in the arm in Lancaster,  Ohio. . . . The "Syrian E-
lectronic Army"  hacked the Washington Post web site.
.  .  .   Jihadis handed out Teletubbies and Spider Man
dolls at a street fair in Aleppo. . . . Mark Zuckerberg's
personal Clutterbook Facebook page was hacked. . . .
State Senator Vicki Marble of Colorado drew fire  for
attributing African- and Mexican-American poverty, in
part, to eating fried chicken and barbecue.  . . .  A wo-
man showed up at a mental health clinic in Philadelphi-
a,  Pennsylvania,  after her family had buried a woman
they thought was she. . . . The family of James DiMag-
gio,  the shot-to-death volunteer uncle/lover/abductor
of  Hannah  Anderson,  wants the 16-year-old's DNA
tested to determine whether he was also her father.

The University of Kentucky has not won nine football
games in a single season since 1984;  Indiana has not
since 1967,  and Duke has not since 1941. . . .

Ashley Broussard, now a jockey, won her first race, at Ellis Park, near Henderson, Kentucky; you've seen her before in Tabloid Headlines

Victorious Russian sprinters denied that their victory kiss was lesbian

I am a 20-year-old college student and live at home
during the summer with my mom and stepdad.   My
stepdad is a porn addict.  He leaves girlie magazines
all over the house.   As if that isn't awkward enough,
he is always looking at my body.  He checks out my
sisters also. It is so unnerving that I can't wear shorts
around the house.  Or a swimsuit.  What can I do?

                                            Not So Home Sweet Home

Garden talk

Jay Cory wrote Mon 8/12/13 @10:39 EDT:

Man, parachuting from a 15-story building is cutting it a little
close for my tastes!  And, I should hope that a 15-story buil-
ding isn't Lexington's tallest.

We've been informed by another correspondent (Ms. Ewing) that
the Lexington Financial Center,  at  32  stories,  is the city's tallest.
You perhaps noticed,  nonetheless,  that the 15-storier was  refer-
red to in the news account we linked to  as  a  "high-rise."   (Is  it
dumb  enough  yet?  This news from Kentucky.)    – Editor

Monserrate Shirley asserted in a motion for separate trial that she was
abused by codefendant Mark Leonard  and was powerless to prevent
the explosion of her Southport home that killed two neighbors.

                                                                                [courtesy WRTV]

Jessica Price, 21, mother of the "healthy" dead baby left in the restroom of a department store in Louisville, was found and arrested (WLEX18)

                                                                                                               [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Lexington's most wanted: Melissa Fugate, WF, 33, 5'5", 115 lbs; Julia Griesbaum, WF, 19, 5'5", 180 lbs

"If I were just your average 23-year-old girl, and I called the police to say that
 there were strange men sleeping on my lawn and following me  to  Starbucks,
 they would leap into action.  But because I am a famous person,  it's,  'Sorry,
 ma'am,  there's nothing we can do'."
                                                                    – Jennifer Lawrence

"Everything is misspelled on Yahoo!"

     – "millineumgirl," a card player on line, explaining her inside-out spelling of "millennium"

Jennifer Lawrence, 23
Tim Tebow, 26
Plaxico Burress, 36
Wendy Palmer, 38 (this Wendy Palmer, not that Wendy Palmer)
Madonna Louise Ciccone, 55
Mark Knopfler, 64
Dash Crofts, 73
Dave ("Baby") Cortez, 75
Jim ("Mudcat") Grant, 78
Revoyda Frierson ("Ketty Lester"), 79
Julie Newmar, 80
Roman Polanski, 80
Fidel Castro, 87
Phyllis Schlafly, 89
Maureen O'Hara, 93

Professional hottie Kate Upton told Elle magazine that be-
ing the cover girl on Sports Illustrated 2012 swimsuit issue
made her feel like a sexual object. . . . Mikhail Gorbachev
denied that he was dead. . . . Procul Harum  Boko Haram
gunned down 44 persons praying at a mosque  in  Nigeria.
.  .  .  A survey found Germans to have the most organized
refrigerators in Europe. . . .  Middle East Respiratory Syn-
drome  was  challenging  Mortgage Electronic Registration
Systems for use of  the  acronym  MERS. . . . Penny Free-
man,  69,  reported being imprisoned in her cottage in East
Yorkshire, England, for four days by seagulls. . . . A resort
building near Disney World in Florida fell into a sinkhole....
Redheads marched for Ginger Pride in Edinburgh, Scotland.
. . . A child support judge in Cocke County, Tennessee (no,
that's not a typo),  ordered a feuding couple to rename their
child,  Messiah. . . .  A study found that drivers of blue cars
and BMW's were the most prone to road rage. . . .  A Ro-
manian princess was arrested for cockfighting in Oregon. ...
Demonstrators sang "Bye Bye Black Sheep" outside Presi-
dent Obama's speech in Phoenix, Arizona.

  
                  [courtesy Harper's Weekly, MSNBC.com, AP]

A West Virginia University football player committed a
home burglary and robbery in his team sweats with jer-
sey number (well, yeah, he was identified, and arrested).

My daughter is a bridesmaid for a sorority sister's fall
wedding.  She bought her dress, and the bridal show-
er is planned.

The bride's younger sister is the maid of honor.  Since
she is under 21, she will not be able to go to bars. So
the bride decided to go out of state  for the bachelor-
ette party for two days. The cost is $350 per person,
and that doesn't include meals or gasoline  for the 11-
hour trip that no one has offered to drive yet.

Needless to say,  this  is  way  over  budget;  but  my
daughter feels she has no alternative.   I've heard that
other bridesmaids also feel this is excessive but won't
speak up at this late date.  Isn't this asking a lot?

                                              Not Made Out of Money

Stephen Yates wrote Sun 8/4/13 @10:51 CDT re last week's "Most
wanted in Lexington":

Misty Breeding?  Is that a nickname?  Isn't her real name
Constantly?

J. Ewing wrote Sun 8/4/13 @13:03 EDT re the censorship at the PX:

Hark!  Is that the sound of Larry Flynt filing a lawsuit regarding
free speech,  interference with business on an equal basis,  and
preventing the provision of a healthier sexual outlet  than raping
the local girls in whatever country the U.S. has invaded?

Jeanetta wrote Mon 8/5/13 @ 09:15 CDT re "do it yourself" cookbooks:

Yeah, like, I take cookbooks with me to McDonald's to show
them how I want my steak.

Martin S. wrote Sat 8/10/13 @07:47 PDT:

Hey, that was a pretty cheap shot putting a dog's face in for a
portrait of Lauren Hanson.

We got the photo from Ms. Hanson's own Clutterbook Facebook
page.  We thought it was she.  Looks just like she does on TV.    – Editor

DePauw University, in Greencastle, dropped from 12th to 13th on
Princeton's list of the nation's top party schools  (but  was  the only
Indiana college to make the top 20).
                                                                [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

The Navy planned to name a new combat ship the USS Indianapolis,
in memory of the cruiser that sank near the end of World War II, kill-
ing nearly 900 sailors for the nation's greatest sea loss in history.  The
decision was announced at a reunion banquet of the survivors  in  In-
dianapolis.  (Calling all military,  active and retired:   Would you want
to serve on a ghost ship?)
                                                                [courtesy WRTV Channel 6]

Four hundred twelve I-Pads were stolen from a high school in Farm-
ersburg, forcing administrators and teachers to scrounge for old text-
books for students to share at the start of the school year.

                                                                [courtesy WXIN "FOX 59"]

Susan Lukjan, convicted twice (the second time on a guilty plea after a
successful appeal of the first conviction)  of  torching her St. Matthews
store for insurance money, was sentenced to 5 years' probation instead
of 15 years in prison, on an agreement not to appeal – and,  in her sen-
tencing statement, said she was innocent, that the prosecutors had "ma-
neuvered" the case, and "We'll never know what really happened." . . .

The body of a female newborn  was found in the restroom of a Louis-
ville department store, and police described her as "full term and heal-
thy"  ("Healthy"?  Funny way to spell "dead.") . . .

A popular Louisville graffiti artist saw his "tag" on T-shirts for sale  at a
trendy 4th Street store, shoved the owner, and made off with the shirts
(he was arrested for robbery and criminal mischief,  and he declined  a
newspaper interview request). . . .

                                                    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Two men in their 30's were arrested for criminal trespass for parachu-
ting from the top of Lexington's 15-story First National Building  (not
the city's tallest)  and landing on the lawn of a neighboring building.

                                                                                    [courtesy WKYT]




                                                                                                               [courtesy Herald-Leader]

"There are clearly hundreds of thousands of  deceased  people  on the voters roll.
  Either that or Japan does not have the oldest-age population in the world. There
  are thousands of 114-year-olds."
                                                                        – an unidentified election monitor in Zimbabwe

" . . . on this Thursday, August 7th . . . ."

                                    – Renée Montagne, National Public Radio, on Wednesday, August 7

"I’ll cut you loose with a warning.  Just take it easy, go ahead and shut your glove
 compartment, and don’t play with your firearm, OK?

I’ll cut you loose with a warning. Just take it easy, go ahead and shut your glove compartment and don’t play with your firearm, ok?” - See more at: http://inforney.com/home/local-news/item/1182-george-zimmerman-stopped-in-forney-texas-for-speeding#sthash.F2WD9csB.dpuf

I’ll cut you loose with a warning. Just take it easy, go ahead and shut your glove compartment and don’t play with your firearm, ok? - See more at: http://inforney.com/home/local-news/item/1182-george-zimmerman-stopped-in-forney-texas-for-speeding#sthash.F2WD9csB.dpuf

"

                    – the policeman who stopped George Zimmerman for speeding in Forney, Texas

You can "Meowbify" any web page and populate it with photos and
videos of cats.  Here:  Copy this link and take it to Meowbify.

Soleil Moon Frye, 37
Patrick Ewing, 51
Jim Kiick, 67
B. J. Thomas, 71
Connie Stevens, 75
Dustin Hoffman, 76
Rocky Colavito, 80
Don Larsen, 84
Arlene Dahl, 88
Marilyn Louis ("Rhonda Fleming"), 90

Rahsaan Roland Kirk (1935-1977)

A man  dialed 911  in the Florida Keys to report that his
wife had been kidnapped by two men driving a U-Haul,
but the cops got there before the guy's girl friend had ac-
tually moved out. .  .  .  Russia canceled a concert by the
American band Bloodhound Gang after "Evil Jared" Has-
selhoff, the bassist, shoved a Russian flag down his pants
and said "Don't tell Putin" at a concert in the Ukraine. . . .
A Sharia committee issued a  fatwa against croissants  in
Aleppo. . . . A policeman rescued four chickens left unat-
tended in a hot car in the English village of Cranleigh. . . .
A Portuguese court ruled that a trash collector could not
be fired for being drunk on the job. .  .  .  A 12-year-old
boy held up a 10-year-old's lemonade stand with  a  BB
gun in Johnstown,  Pennsylvania. . . . A Detroit preacher
was  shot to death  when he asked partying neighbors to
quiet down. . . .A Minnesota State Senate male employe
who was fired for having an affair with the majority lead-
er,  a woman,  filed  a  sex discrimination suit against the
Senate,  arguing  that  male senators have affairs with fe-
male employees with impunity. .  .  .  A python escaped
from a pet store in New Brunswick, Canada, and killed
two boys, aged 7 and 5, in an adjoining apartment.  . . .
Police herded demonstrators into a pub   in  Birmingham,
England, to cool them down. . . .The estate of a motorist
killed  by  a  train  in  Canada  was sued for half a million
dollars for repairs to the tracks. . . .More than a hundred
singers have been arrested or cited at the Wisconsin state
capitol in the last two weeks in a daily "Solidarity Sing-A-
long" protest against Governor Scott Walker that began in
May, 2011. . . . Li-Lo was reported to be "seeing" a man
she met in rehab. . . . Paula Deen declined an invitation to
Dancing with the Stars.

Publius Leget wrote Sun 8/4/13@13:55 CDT:

Hey, wha'd'ya mean, "Korean Women's Open Golf Tourna-
ment"?  That was the British Open.

Uh, oh – did our correspondent miss the point?  Here it is – in black,
white,  and yellow:  There are more Koreans in the LPGA,  propor-
tionately to their population base, than there are Negroes in the NBA.
All women's golf tournaments are "Korean" opens.

It turned out that an American,  Stacy Lewis,  won the tourney at St.
Andrews, stopping the Korean Imbee Park's bid to become the first
golfer, man or woman,  to win four consecutive "majors" in the same
year (she barely made the "cut," and finished a dismal 46th).  Ameri-
cans  outnumbered  Koreans  8 to 5  in the top 25,  17 to 14  among
the finishers, and 39 to 21 among the entrants (but two of the Amer-
icans  are  Korean-American,  and  another  is  Chinese-American).
There were 8 Japanese and 3 Chinese in the tournament.
                                                                                                 – Editor

Our daughter was asked to be maid of honor at her
friend's wedding. She was very excited about it. We
planned a small shower for her closest friends and
family. Now the bride and her mother have given us
a list of 78 women to invite. I checked the etiquette
book and found no encouragement for such a large
event. The same 78 women are also invited to the
wedding reception.  We simply cannot afford such
a large shower,  and the bride’s parents know it.  I
do not understand how they could expect us to han-
dle such a large event.  Our daughter doesn’t want
to lose the bride’s friendship.  Should she bow out
of the wedding?
                                                        Anxious Parent

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 7/28/13 @12:11 EDT re

the 12-unit, 6-letter, 2-digit, 1-syllable number twelve:

How about a few six-letter, one-syllable number-cousins:
Fourth, eighth, twelfth?   I hasten to add another one-syl-
lable word of six letters (though not a number): Thwart.  I
realize there must be more. . . .

Here are some with seven letters:  Trumped, thumped, and – twelfth!   – Ed.

Len wrote Sun 7/28/2013 @11:30 EDT:

"Who reads all of the funnies?"  I do.  It's the only edu-
cational part of the newspaper, providing us with an in-
formed view of the human condition  (that's where the
"funny" part comes in).

A woman hit, bit and kicked police removing her from the men's room
at the Casba,  a bar downstairs from the Usual Suspects bar in Broad
Ripple.
                                                                [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Attorneys for the City of Evansville and the West Side Christian Church
were puzzled by a federal judge's ruling that a display of  31  crosses  6
feet tall on the public front of the Ohio River would violate the constitu-
tional prohibition of governmental establishment of religion. . . .

Attorney General Greg Zoeller was co-author with the attorney general
of Texas of a brief filed in the U.S. Supreme Court by 23 states seeking
to overturn a ruling by a federal appeals court prohibiting  a  New York
town from beginning council meetings with a Christian prayer. . . .

                                                                 [courtesy Associated Press]

A United States Court of Appeals found that a traveling Kentucky evan-
gelist's right to free speech might have been violated by the University of
Tennessee's prohibition of his preaching there without sponsorship.

                                                                                        [courtesy AP]

Redneck ramen (photos of Tabloid Headlines' editor Natty Bumppo, by the roving reporter, Steve Yates)

Kentucky  Senator  Rand  Paul  and New Jersey Governor Chris
Christie,  both eyed as contenders for the 2016 Republican nomi-
nation for President,  were  trading  jabs  on CNN.  Christie said
that Paul should share  his  libertarian  views  on national security
with the widows and orphans of 9/11 and that Paul, critical of aid
to Hurricane Sandy sufferers,  was really interested only in "bring-
ing home the bacon" to his own constituents.  Paul retorted, "This
is the king of bacon talking about bacon." . . .

A state circuit court judge in Louisville asked  the  state's  Attorney
General for a brief on whether the state's spousal immunity law  ex-
empts a lesbian from testifying against her partner in a case in which
they formed a "civil union" in Vermont (the judge, the prosecuting at-
torney and the defense attorney also all are women).

                                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Democratic Secretary of State Alice in Wonderland's Groin Alison
Lundergan Grimes  launched  her campaign for Mitch McConnell's
U.S. Senate seat. . . .

A barefoot bandit wielding a knife and wearing shorts, T-shirt, sun-
glasses and a hard hat took a cash register from a gasoline station
in Lexington. . . .

 

Evy, 9
Hilary Swank, 39
Simon Baker, 44
J. K. Rowling, 48
Francis Guzzo ("Frankie Ford"), 74
Garth Hudson, 76
Edd Byrnes, 80
Peter O'Toole, 81
Shimon Peres, 90
Theodosia Burr Goodman ("Theda Bara," anagram of "Arab death," 1885-1955)

Bonnie Brown, 76
Buddy Guy, 77
Elliot Charles Adnopoz ("Ramblin' Jack Elliott"), 82

Lollyphile introduced human breast milk lollypops (and you
can get three different flavors of Grumppuccino from Grum-
py Cat Coffee).  .  .  . George H. W. Bush shaved his head.
.  .  . Lindsay Lohan was reported to have made a list of 80
friends who have been bad influences on her, whom she will
"dis" once she's out of rehab. . . . A 15-year-old girl, whose
boy friend counselors encouraged to  kiss  her  at a summer
camp in Massachusetts, was called a slut and kicked out by
the owner. . . .The National Security Agency asked a repor-
er to modify a Freedom of Information Act request because
it had "no central method to search an e-mail.". . . Scientists
confirmed  that suspected Chinese drones over India turned
out to be Jupiter and Venus. .  .  . A Michigan man who had
"Kill Kathie Kill Kathie Kill Kathie!!!!!"  written on his com-
puter "to do" list when he killed his wife was sued for wrong-
ful death. . . . A Japanese mountaineer who bludgeoned five
senior citizens to death and then torched their homes  had  a
haiku on his window saying "Setting a fire / smoke gives de-
light / to a country fellow."  . . .  A passenger on a Delta Air
Lines flight to New York  left his bags at the airport in Seat-
tle to avoid $1,400 in overweight fees. . . .George Zimmer-
man was stopped for speeding in north Texas (and, yes, he
was armed). . . .  A businessman from Dallas,  Texas,  was
stabbed to death  by a member of the band  at  a  karaoke
bar in Thailand when he and his son refused to quit singing
and leave the stage. . . . Bears were videoed "twerking" on
a tree in a park in Alberta. . . . A man  called  911  in East
Albany, Georgia, to complain that he had gotten only six of
seven hamburgers he ordered  at  McDonald's  (he said he
had walked back in to complain to an employee,  but "She
was trying to get an attitude with me" – and he was the one
arrested).  . . . The Army and Air Force Exchange Service
dropped 891 periodicals, including the New York Review
of Books,  SpongeBob Comics,  and Playboy,  Penthouse
and 46 other PX-rated magazines.  . . . Texas,  which  has
executed 11 convicts this year and has  7 more  scheduled
for capital punishment, will run out of pentobarbital in Sep-
tember without resupply available.

Riley Cooper, a white wide receiver (this is a rarity in the
National Football League)  for  the  Philadelphia  Eagles,
apologized for calling a security guard "Nigger" at a Ken-
ny Chesney concert  (Eagles black quarterback Michael
Vick  defended  Cooper  in the face  of  Vick's  brother
Marcus' offering a $1,000 bounty to any defensive play-
er "laying Cooper out" in a game). . . .

A jockey was suspended for trying to throw a race at
Fairmount Park in Illinois to 70-year-old jockey R. A.
"Cowboy" Jones,  who  by  winning  (he only placed)
would have been the  first  jockey  to have won horse
races in seven different decades  (he hasn't won since
2004). . . .

Seventeen foreigners were among the top 25  at the end
of the second round of the Korean Women's Open Golf
Tournament at St. Andrew's in Scotland.

My 20-year-old son "Ted" has a 19-year-old girl friend,
"Dahlia."  Dahlia is very well-endowed and rarely wears
a bra.  She wears low-cut clothing and often looks as if
she's about  to  "fall  out."  The dress she wore last night
was  so  tight  she couldn't zip it up all the way,  and she
was very close to a nip slip.   When she walked in,  she
looked at me, shrugged her shoulders and said, "I know
this is a low-cut dress" as if she knew she was coming to
my house,  knew what my expectations were,  and came
that way anyway.

She's going on vacation with us in a week.  I don't want
to seem prudish,  but I want to get it through to her that
this type of dress isn't appropriate for places we'll be go-
ing and people we'll be seeing.   I'll be asking her before
we leave if she's got bras in her suitcase,  and I'm ready
to leave her behind if she doesn't,  or make her go out
and buy a few,  or buy them for her.  But how do I do
this without alienating her?
                                             Concerned Mom in Mobile