Political lookalikes: United States Senator from Kentucky Rand Paul, Ambassador to United States from Poland Ryszard Schnepf

Publius Leget wrote Sun 10/20/13 @11:19 CDT:

You're getting a little over the top,  aren't you (or under the
hem), with your sexism?  I mean,  come on,  the Louisville
Courier-Journal could get a prettier gossip columnist? Just
what does the way Emily Hagedorn looks have to do with
her journalism?

It's part of the job description:   Have you not seen Inside Edition
on TV, or Stephanie Bauer on Hollyscoop.com?  You know, you
have to be a hottie to dish and diss the hotties.    – Editor

(There's a bit of an inside family joke to that item, too. One of our
 regular correspondents had his first date with a classmate  named
 Aunda.  His Aunt Janet, the school librarian, commented, "Aunda
 is a nice girl, you know, but I think Fred could find someone else.")

In an upscale Indianapolis suburb apparently bereft of "issues," the bold pink lettering on this new business has left Carmel's civic leaaders with their pants in a wad

Going co-ed is "not on the radar" at Wabash College in Crawfords-
ville, said its new president, Gregory Hess (it's one of only three all-
male liberal arts colleges left in the United States – the  others  are
Hampden-Sydney, in Virginia, and Morehouse, in Georgia). . . .

The board chairman of the "Ivy Tech" Community College system
resigned in a flap over "politically incorrect" e-mail he had sent in-
cluding jokes comparing naked women to a cougar, spiders, and a
moose. . . .

A 37-year-old man was arrested at a Wal-Mart in Indianapolis for
taking cell phone photos up the dresses of an 11-year-old girl  and
a 21-year-old woman. . . .

Five Indianapolis women calling themselves the "Get Money Team"
were arrested for taking orders on  "social media"  and  committing
mass shoplifting, maintaining an inventory of their lifted ware  . . .

Denise Shannon, 26, was arrested for public intoxication and child neglect after leaving two children, aged 1 and 9, in her unlocked and running Volkswagen Beetle while she stepped into a tavern on Indianapolis' South Side to have another beer (how she avoided an additional preliminary charge of DUI, you will have to ask the police)

                                                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Lexington's most wanted: Ashley Storey, BF, 27, 5'3", 160 lbs; Sheila Troxell, WF, 43, 5'2", 150 lba; Krystal Marshall, BF, 40, 5'7", 125 lbs

In Georgetown, a day care worker was caught on video jerking a 2-
year-old child's chair from under her, causing the child to fall, suffer-
ing a broken collar bone; and a police officer was cited for roughing
up a 13-year-old referee at a youth soccer game. . . .

The state Commission on Human Rights approved a settlement,  in-
cluding $5,000 in compensation, between a Frankfort movie theater
and a woman with a hearing deficit who complained that the theater
should have given her a hearing aid or provided captions on screen.

                                                                     [courtesy Herald-Leader]

A herpetologist at the Kentucky Reptile Zoo in Slade accused serpent
sermonizers of mistreating their snakes, rendering them unlikely to be
harmful.
                                                          [courtesy National Public Radio]

A survey conducted by the on-line dating service Cupid.com found
the "South'n Drawwwl " to be overwhelmingly the most attractive A-
merican accent (36.5 per cent),  followed by Nyew Yahk (16.5%),
Western (wherever that is, 13%), Bahstun ("New England," 10.5%),
Noo Joisey (7%), Canadian (7%), "Midwestern" (5.5%)  and Mid-
Atlantic (4% – "O, Baltimore"? ).  The  "Hoosier  Twang"  did  not
place (and it's not "Midwestern,"  as anyone who knows a Hoosier
knows – for example, they say "creek" in Ohio, Michigan, Wiscon-
sin, Minnesota, Iowa and Illinois – and even in Kentucky  – but  in
Indiana it's "crick").

We cannot help but sympathize with the various peoples
trapped in the Egyptian chaos,  with sisters and brothers
at each other's throats,  and no seeming way out.

But there is a way out.  Moses showed the way, 3,500
years ago.  The only sane thing to do is to get  the  hell
out  of that hellhole known as Egypt.

"The Republicans are burning themselves so bad, even
  Joe Biden could win an election."
                                                                – Anthony K. Dean

"I do own a license – that of my kingdom."
                                                                       – Peter Fitzek, self-anointed king of New
                                                                          Germany, a 22-acre plot in Saxony-Anhalt,
                                                                          at his trial for driving without a license

   Webster's 1828 dictionary:

• cap:  A part of dress made to cover the head.
• hat:   A covering for the head; a garment made of different materials, and worn by men or women for defending the head from rain or heat, or for ornament.  Hats for men are usually made of fur or wool, and formed with a crown and brim.  Hats for females are made of straw or grass braid, and various other materials.  Of these the ever varying forms admit of no description that can long be correct.

    American College Dictionary (Random House), 1957:

• cap:  A covering for the head, especially one fitting closely and made of softer material than a hat, and having little or no brim.
• hat:  A shaped covering for the head, usually with a crown and a brim, usually worn outdoors.
  
• fez:  A felt cap, usually of a red color, having the shape of a truncated cone, and ornamented with a long flat tassel [emphasis added].
  

    Random House College Dictionary, 1984:

• cap:  A covering for the head, made of soft, usually close-fitting material, and having a small visor [emphasis added to language added since 1957].
  
• hat:   [same as 1957 definition, with phrase "usually worn outdoors" omitted].
  
• fez:   A cap, shaped like a truncated cone, usually of red felt and ornamented with a black tassel, worn especially by men in the Near East [emphasis added].

   Oxford Dictionary on Line:

• cap:  A kind of soft, flat hat without a brim, and typically with a peak [emphasis added].
• hat:   A covering for the head, especially one with a shaped crown and brim.
• fez:   A flat-topped conical red hat with a black tassel on top, worn by men in some Muslim countries [emphasis added].

   American Heritage Dictionary:

• cap:  A usually soft and close-fitting head covering, either having no brim or with a visor.
• hat:   A covering for the head, especially one with a shaped crown and brim.
• fez:   A man's felt cap in the shape of a flat-topped cone, usually red with a black tassel hanging from the crown, worn chiefly in the eastern Mediterranean region [emphasis added].

    Merriam-Webster Dictionary on Line:

• cap:  A head covering, especially with a visor and no brim.
• hat:   A covering for the head usually having a shaped crown and brim.
• fez:   A brimless cone-shaped flat-crowned hat that usually has a tassel, is usually made of red felt, and is worn especially by men in eastern Mediterranean countries [emphasis added].

Los Angeles Times crossword puzzle, Oct. 11, 2013:

• 33-A:  Hat, e.g.:  FEZ.

Next week's questions:

• Is a beret a cap or a hat?
• Do the Boston Red Sox wear baseball caps or baseball hats?
• Do rednecks wear baseball caps or baseball hats?
  

Katy Perry, 29
Midori, 42
Weird Al Yankowic, 54
Carrie Fisher, 57
Dwight Yoakam, 57
Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, 65
Whitey Ford, 85
John Birks "Dizzy" Gillespie (1917-1993: born 11 days after Thelonious Monk, died 11 years after)

Sonny Terry (1911-1986)

A hanged prisoner who awoke in a mortuary in Iran  was
sent to a hospital to recuperate sufficiently to be hanged a-
gain. . . . Fukushima Industries named its new egg mascot
Fukuppy. . . . "Hazmat" crews were called out in Las Cru-
ces, New Mexico, to battle a habanero chili pepper cloud
emanating from a food producer. .  .  .  A  6-foot  alligator
greeted late night customers at Wal-Mart in Apopka, Flor-
ida.  . . .  A 7-foot SpongeBob SquarePants stone over a
female Iraq veteran's grave  was ordered removed from a
cemetery in Cincinnati, Ohio. . . .The Tennessee Board of
Judicial Conduct filed charges against the judge who ord-
ered a baby's name changed from Messiah to Martin (the
order already had been overturned on appeal).

The  St. Louis Cardinals,  regarded by some as the
best fielding team in baseball, committed four errors
(only two of them  called,  both  on shortstop Peter
Kozma, who was benched the next day) in the first
two innings in game 1,  in  Boston,  as the Red Sox
took a 5-0 lead  and went on to win the game 8-1.
In one of the two errors ruled base hits,  a  pop  fly
dropped  between Adam Wainwright,  the  pitcher,
and Yadier Molina,  regarded by many as the best
catcher in baseball, without either extending a hand
to catch it (in the other third baseman David Freese
let a grounder under his glove  into  left  field).

In game 2:

1. James Taylor mangled the Star Spangled Banner, and
2. The Cardinals pulled even, winning 4-2 with the help of two Boston errors on one play at the plate in the seventh inning.

And in game 3, in St. Louis:

1. Boston's Jacoby Ellsbury dropped Matt Holliday's routine fly ball to center field but threw Holliday out at first base as Holliday took a wide turn loafing around the bag ("E8, 8-3" if you're scoring),
2. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, the play-by-play announcers for Fox TV, called the Red Sox "the White Sox" at least three times, and
3. The "Orioles" won, 5-4, on an umpire's error in the ninth inning, calling the Red Sox third baseman for interference with a runner who was not even on the base path. . . .
   

ZZ Top's Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill were rooting
for the scruffy Sox.  Frank Beard, the only member
of the band without a beard, hadn't committed.


In dumb sports news from Texas, a football player's father filed a
bullying  complaint  with the school district against the coach of a
Fort Worth high school team that beat his son's team 91-0.

There is a young couple in our church that spends the
entire mass making out.  They kiss, tickle, rub and ca-
ress each other every minute of the service.   It's very
distracting.  It is distracting  also  to see other people
in church snickering and rolling their eyes. I am pray-
ing  that these two read your column  and get a PDA
wakeup call.
                                                                – Massed Out

Dusty Hopkins wrote Tues 10/15/13:

No.  It wouldn't fit over the towel, and it would cover the
dot, both probably against the respective religions.

FGDean@aol.com  wrote Sun 10/13/13 @11:24 PDT  re  the
Indiana middle school choir director suspended for duct-taping
pupils and making them do push-ups:

So  what's  the  big  deal?  I did the same thing as a choral
teacher at an Indianapolis high school back  in  the 1960's.
The football coach thanked me for toughening up the mem-
bers of his team who sang in the choir.

Ted Fiskevold wrote Sun 10/13/13 @01:44 CDT:

Your editorial about who's in the World Series and how they
got there brought back memories of the easy days of life  as
they began to get harder.  Our 6th grade teacher, Gerry Say-
lor, was new to Pengilly Grade School in the fall of '65, and
he taxed our brains to prepare us for leaving that cozy home
town atmosphere to move on to junior high school in Bovey
the following year where our 17 girls and 8 boys would com-
mingle with a much larger class of about 175 kids from seven
other Iron Range towns and farms.

Mr. Saylor taught us to think about things we had not yet
thought about and to think harder  about  things  we  had
thought about.  He introduced us to "new math," read us
whole novels like Huckleberry Finn (unabridged), and
gave us all the background on Vietnam.

And he taught us how two out of 20 teams got  to  play  in
the World Series as we all followed the  Minnesota  Twins
to their first attempt at winning it in that fall of '65.  The "in-
side baseball" of that was pretty simple: One team out of 10
won the National League pennant – the Dodgers that year,
and one team out of 10 won the American League pennant
– the Twins. We got to listen to games (or parts of games)
on the radio. The principal, and sometimes Mr. Saylor him-
self,  would announce scores  and highlights  to  the  whole
school over the intercom,  and the Twins  vs.  the Dodgers
was as big an event as John Glenn going around the world
three times or the week of the JFK assassination. We clip-
ped  the Duluth News Tribune  and  the  Hibbing  Daily
News for Twins news to bring to school  along with Twins
pennants and 8-by-10 black and white glossies of Harmon
Killebrew, Tony Oliva, Jim Kaat, and Zoilo Versalles.  Mr.
Saylor kept the scores  of  all  seven  games  on the black-
board in blue and white chalk. He said early that the Twins
would easily win the World Series  (well,  they  won  three
games).  It was a big time and a great learning experience. 

By the time the Twins finally got to the World Series  again
in 1987 (and won)  and once more 1991  (and won again),
the "inside baseball" of how they got there was indeed more
complicated,  as your editorial nicely illustrates.  The  Twins
had to win the Western Division, then the American League,
and then the World Series.  But the hoopla, loyalty, and fes-
tive atmosphere did not change.  By those times (both in '87
and '91) I was working in state government in St. Paul. The
day the Twins came home as World Series champions, Gov.
Rudy Perpich gave all state employees a day off with pay.
Fond memories of '65, '87, and '91 are what keep Minne-
sotans Twins fans as we wait to see if they might yet get to
the World Series once again, some fall day;  and  as  more
backdoor opportunities continue to be added, the chances
are greater.

You reckon?  The records show that the Twins won their division
(the "Central," where they were realigned from the "West")  again
in 2002, 2003, 2004, 2006, 2009 and 2010,  and the "wild card"
in 2008, without moving on to the World Series. That almost puts
them in a league with Pittsburgh, no?

Incidentally,  your editor nearly got kicked out of the Metrodome in
1984 for lighting up a Lucky Strike at a Twins game. When he look-
ed around,  he didn't see any burning cigars, either.   No cigars?  At
a baseball "stadium"?  It's one of the greatest arguments ever made
against playing baseball indoors.

We hear that the Twins have been playing outdoors again (at Target
Field) since 2010.  We guess they couldn't afford holes being poked
in the roof by pop-ups from the likes of Frank Howard.
                                                                                                – Editor

An electronic billboard showing President Obama with a Hitler mustache had a weekend run in Kendallville (Kendallville News-Sun, London Daily Mail)

The Louisville Courier-Journal, which routinely states, in reporting child abuse, that it does not print the names of under-age victims, printed not only the name of this 17-year-old girl, Ashley Hilger, but also her photograph, on the front page, along with a video, on its web site, of a public statement she made with her mother for the Courier-Journal. Ashley and her foster sisters said they were abused by foster brothers their parents had unwittingly taken into the home.

Emily Hagedorn The Buzz is the Louisville Courier-Journal's new gossip columnist (she's a nice girl, but don't you think they could have found someone prettier?)

Two more school buses collided in Louisville on Thursday  (no injuries re-
ported),  and a school bus, a truck and a car collided the next day in Lou-
isville (one person in the car was injured).
                                                                        [courtesy Courier-Journal]

A prosecutor in Covington concluded that  no  crime  was committed by
a male high school band director who exchanged  690 "texts"  with a 15-
year-old girl in three weeks, including one that said "night baby, love you"
(it was not reported what horn the girl blew). . . .

The mother and sister-in-law of a slain pawn shop owner wore Superman T-shirts to the arraignment in Danville of the Baptist pastor (also a gold dealer) charged with his murder and the murder of the slain man's wife (co-owner of the pawn shop) and another gold dealer (Superman was the slain owner's favorite superhero, his mother said)

                                                                               [courtesy Herald-Leader]

"All it is is a bunch of little boys arguing that they
 want their way."
                                                    – Jennifer Jeffries, a mother unable to get her WIC
                                                       benefits in North Carolina on account of the
                                                       government shutdown, speaking of Congress

"There's always a Barney Fife around; you just need an Andy Griffith
 to control him."                                                                                             – Anthony K. Dean

"That [Nobel peace] prize should have been given to me."
                                                                                                   – Bashar al-Assad

"She was really annoying."
                                                – an 11-year-old boy convicted of conspiring
                                                   to murder a classmate in Colville, Colorado

Amy Carter, 46
John W. Dean III, 75
Karoline Wilhelmine Charlotte Blamauer ("Lotte Lenya," 1898-1981)

John Rocker, 39
Dave Guard (of the Kingston Trio, 1934-1991)
Bert Kaempfert (1923-1980)

The Vatican recalled 6,000 medals recounting a story about
"Lesus." .  .  . Four Seventh Day Adventists in France were
arrested for kidnapping,  starving  and crucifying a 19-year-
old woman to exorcise evil spirits  (they didn't kill her). . . .
Two rabbis were arrested in Brooklyn,  New York,  for fa-
cilitating the kidnapping and torture of Jewish husbands  re-
luctant to give their wives permission to divorce. . . .  Ama-
zon.com removed the e-books Daddy, Stop, It Hurts  and
Taking My Stepdaughter’s Virginity from its web site. . . .
A federal judge in New York ruled that a  TV intern  whose
buttocks were squeezed by a supervisor in a hotel room had
no sexual harassment case because she was not a  paid  em-
ployee. .  .  . A federal air marshal was busted at the interna-
tional airport in Nashville, Tennessee, for taking photographs
under women's skirts with his cell phone. . . . A man set him-
self on fire erecting a burning cross for a  Halloween  display
in Palm Bay, Florida.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Huffington Post, MSNBC.com, AP]

St. Louis Cardinals center fielder Jon Jay let three catchable
fly balls drop in front of and beside him  and muffed another
in the third game of the National League baseball playoffs a-
gainst the Los Angeles Dodgers, without being charged with
an error;  and the Cardinals' Daniel Descalso,  inserted  into
the game as a pinch runner, was doubled off second base on
a routine fly ball to left field, as the Dodgers won 3-0.

I am upset with myself for getting my granddaughter the
cell phone she begged me for.   I wish the phone compa-
nies  would  put  restrictions on them.  I  wondered  why
she was feeling tired in the mornings  until  I  caught  her
on the phone at 4 a.m.  She can't get dressed in the morn-
ing because she's texting every two minutes.

When her friend, with whom she was always very active,
came  over,  she wound up watching a movie with me be-
cause my granddaughter would not stop texting in her bed-
room.
                                                 Frustrated Grandma in Fresno

The Rhode Island Library Association has introduced a tattooed librarians calendar for 2014; that's Emily Grace Mehrer on the right

Connie Harbeson wrote Tues 10/8/13 @14:16 EDT:

The Camden Astonisher?  Love this.  Probably the
best newspaper name ever!  

I spent four crazy years reading The Atmore (Ala-
bama) Advance,  whatever that was supposed to
mean.  And, naturally, everyone placed the stress
on the first syllable – the "AD-vance."

Hate to disappoint you, but we sorta made that up.  The linked
article and several others we read referred only  to  the  former
"Camden newspapers," without mentioning names.  We looked
high and low for the names, without finding any.

Our newspaper here in the County is the Edmonson News; but it
has a nickname also, right on the nameplate – The Gimlet – with
a drawing of a gimlet piercing "Edmonson News>" and the printed
legend  "It  bores  in."  Most of us who read it would leave the "in"
out of that legend. It's pretty tame. Our friend Ann Martha Durbin,
of Sunfish,  former postmaster of Bee Spring,  has long called our
local paper "The Astonisher," out of an abundance of sarcasm. So
let's  credit  Ann Martha with naming the Camden (Indiana) news-
paper!

That Gimlet link above will give you not only a pitture of the Gimlet
nameplate but will take you also to a list  of  interesting  newspaper
names including  the  Anniston  (Alabama)  Star,  which used to be
known as the Star and Hot Blast.

There's a made-up newspaper in Ideas for a Better America called
the Chicago Sometimes.
                                           – Editor

P.S.  We found out in a telephone call and e-mail to editors, histori-
ans and librarians in Carroll County, Indiana,  that the first Camden
paper was known as the Expositor  (that's almost as good as the A-
stonisher!) and that later there were the Camden Record, the Cam-
den News and the Camden Record-News.

Dusty Hopkins wrote Mon 9/30/13 re the Paul Ryan / Novak Djokovic celebrity lookalike photos: Aren't these the winners of the Weiner lookalike contests?

Amanda Griffin, choir director at a middle school in Carmel, was
escorted from class by the principal and an assistant principal and
later suspended for duct-taping pupils to their chairs  and  making
them do push-ups.
                                                                        [courtesy Fox59-TV]

A 24-year-old Edinburgh man, just convicted of child molestation by
a  jury  in Franklin,  was Tasered by a bailiff when he tried to hug his
family before returning to jail.

A teen-ager and an 8-year-old boy "carjacked" a 2008 Dodge Char-
ger on Indianapolis' West Side.
                                                                [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

The pastor of a Baptist church in Burnside, who also runs the Gold
Rush Buyers jewelry store in adjacent Somerset,  was arrested for
the murders of the two owners and a customer  at  a pawn shop in
Danville  (friend and former business associate of the shop owners,
he attended their funeral). . . .

High school sports teams were directed to abandon the tradition of
shaking opponents' hands after games  because  of  more than two
dozen outbreaks of fighting during the procedure in  the  last  three
years.
                                            [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Two school buses  slapped  mirrors  at an intersection in Louisville
(one pupil was cut by broken glass).
                                                                        [courtesy WDRB-TV]

     

A state representative sued for sexual harassment by Nicole Cusic, a Legislative Research Commission employee, filed a response saying Cusic talked dirty at the state Capitol

     ^{. . .}

^{Lexington's most wanted: Kayla Noe, WF, 24, 5'3", 100 lbs}

An eastern Kentucky judge was reprimanded for remarks he made
in sentencing a teacher in the sexual abuse of five 13- and 14-year-
old girls, including "The defendant was not blind and only human,"
and, to the teacher's attorney, "This is a statutory offense, but is it
your understanding that all of the acts that occurred were consen-
sual?"  The  judge  said  also  that girls should not come to school
wearing low-cut blouses and short skirts;  he questioned the dress
code, and he granted probation to the teacher after he served eight
months of a seven-year sentence.
                                                                 [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Indianapolis' Crown Hill Cemetery is said to be the third largest non-
governmental burial ground in the United States, with 555 acres, 25
miles of paved roads and 200,000 graves, including those of Benja-
min Harrison, James Whitcomb Riley and John Dillinger.

A new ruling by the Internal Revenue Service, effective next year,
will classify "added gratuities" on restaurant bills as restaurant ser-
vice charges,  not tips,  taxable to the restaurants, not to the wait-
ers,  but to be added to the waiters' W-2 earnings.

                                                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

"You're incomparable, like a –––– ."
                                                                – Bo Burnham

"Next time we'll have our skin black also so we can win, too."

                                                                   – Italian gymnast Carlotta Ferlito, to teammate
                                                                     Vanessa Ferrari, who both lost to black American
                                                                     Simone Biles in the world championships in Belgium

Sean Lennon, 38 (born 35 years to the day after his father)
Jackson Browne, 65
Oliver North, 70
Chevy Chase, 70
Joy Behar, 71
Huey "Piano" Smith, 79
Dick Gregory, 81
Yusef Lateef, 93
John Lennon (1940-1980)
Thelonious Monk (1917-1982: born 7 years and a day after Yusef Lateef)

A Ukraine couple copulating on the railroad tracks were
run over by a train killing the woman and cutting off both
legs of the man.  . . .  A  Brazilian  was crushed by half a
ton of marijuana;  a Swede was crushed by half a ton of
bacon,  and a Spaniard was crushed by 5 tons of grapes
(the Swede lived).  .  .  .  Tennessee was found to be the
most dangerous state in the nation. . . .  A woman dialed
911 in Billings, Montana, to complain she was too drunk
to get out of her car. .  .  . Firemen helped a man extract
his penis from a toaster in London,  England. . . . A wo-
man was ticketed in Melbourne, Florida,  for walking her
wheelchair-bound cat without a leash (sorry, Ms. Ewing,
the video is slow to load). . . . An Ohio man declared le-
gally dead in 1996 cannot be declared  alive  now,  even
thought he returned home, alive and healthy,  in 2005,  a
court ruled.

A Brazilian smuggler was crushed by a half-ton of marijuana, a Swedish man was crushed by a half-ton of bacon, and a Spanish man was crushed by five and a half tons of grapes. - See more at: http://harpers.org/blog/2013/10/weeklyreview2013-10-08/#sthash.8L5OaNZ1.dpuf

My 64-year-old father-in-law sends his middle-aged son – my
husband – pornographic pictures by e-mail.  My husband and
I share the same e-mail address, and the last few photos have
been extremely explicit.

My husband does not check his e-mail regularly and often ig-
nores mail from his father. I don't feel entitled to delete the e-
mail from this creep.  What can I do?
                                                                 Offended Wife

  . . .

The Olympic flame was blown out in a wind tunnel in Moscow. . . .

Detroit Tigers pitcher Anibal Sanchez struck out  four  batters  in the
first  inning  of  last night's American League baseball "playoff" game
against the Boston Red Sox  – and was taken out of the game in the
seventh inning with a no-hitter going, ahead 1 to 0 (a fourth relief pit-
cher blew the no-hitter with one out in the ninth inning but the Tigers
held on to win). . . .


Editorial:

Back in the good old days, when we were children, there was only
one "postseason" baseball series  (no "wild card games,"  no  "AL-
DS," "NLDS," "ALCS" or "NLCS").  It was called the "World Se-
ries."  Little matter that it included only professional teams from the
United States of America:  Professional  baseball  was yet in its in-
fancy in Venezuela,  Cuba,  Mexico,  the Dominican Republic  and
Japan; and baseball had not been yet heard of in Canada  (not to
mention in Russia, which during the "Cold War" claimed the inven-
tion of '"beisbol").

And it was on television! And on television in the high school stu-
dy hall!   There was no "fall break" from school in those days  (we
did not begin the school year in the middle of summer)  or  "World
Series break."   We caught the first inning or two  during  lunch,  at
home (a good example is the Yankee Don Larsen's "perfect game"
of 1956,  which was a mutual no-hitter between him and the Dod-
gers' Sal Maglie for the first three innings).  When we got back to
school,  if we had no classes  (i.e., if we were consigned to "study
hall"),  we got to watch (and hear) the rest of the game  on  a  big
black-and-white console mounted at the front of the room.

Now it is not so simple. There are not merely two teams vying for the
"world championship";  there are ten.  The previous two eight-team
leagues have been expanded into six "divisions."  Each "division" has
a "champion" (whoever won the most games over a 162-game seas-
on, which was a 154-game season when they had only two leagues,
no divisions,  and Babe Ruth),  entitling  three  teams  in each league
to a part in postseason play,  plus a  fourth  team  in each of the two
"leagues," to enable tournament-style elimination playoffs – the team
in the league with the best record among those that did not win a di-
vision title.  This entrant was called the "wild card" team.

That  made  eight.  But that was not good enough for  good  "market-
ing."   So last year they added:  The two teams with the best records
in each league not among division winners  go to a one-game playoff
to see which gets to be the "wild card"  "division series"  playoff team
(there's your "ALDS," "ALCS" – it's not the "playoffs" any more;  it's
the "American League Division Series,"  followed  by  the "American
League Championship Series,"  etc.)

Thus it came to involve at least 10 teams (not the two of yore – e.g.,
the New York Yankees, American League pennant winners,  vs. the
Brooklyn Dodgers, National League champs).

But this year it came to 11:  The St. Petersburg "Tampa Bay" "Rays,"
of the American League's "Eastern" Division,  tied with the Arlington
"Texas" Rangers, of the AL "Western," for the second best record of
teams that did not win a division championship.  And,  therefore,  the
Rays and the Rangers had to have a one-game playoff  before  either
of them had the right to play the Cleveland Indians  –  the non-winner
of a division title with the best record – in  a  preliminary  one-game
playoff to see who got to go to the next bigger dance.

And none of this was on television.  It was only on cable  (and satel-
lite).  And, because it rained, we did not get to see it.  Our satellite re-
ception here in the forest  (we don't have "cable")  is disrupted by the
rain.  (Maybe it was broadcast in the study hall,  but  we  graduated
from school several years ago.  Oops, we forgot!  It's not broadcast
in school any more!   Only two "postseason" games were scheduled
in the daytime on a weekday,  and it was a day the schools were on
"fall break.")

"And," observed Jonell Carder, a former editorial assistant at Tab-
loid Headlines, "they think they're doin' it right."
                                                                                – The Editors

House of Turds: D.C. cess-pols shut down government, they get paid while nation suffers (NY Daily News)

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sat 9/28/13 @09:18 PDT:

So who is this Norman Voiles?  Do you know him?

He's a guy who writes continuing long-winded,  stupid  letters
to the editor of the Rushville (Indiana) Republican.  His letters
were annoying the hell out of one of our Rushville subscribers,
who asked us if anything could be done about him.  Sure! we
said.  The fool subscribed his letters with his e-mail address a-
long with his name; so it was easy picking.  – Editor

Keith Durbin wrote Weds 10/2/13 @07:36 CDT:

Last week's item on dog porn gives a whole new meaning
to the phrase "lucky dog."

Stephen Yates wrote Sun 9/29/13 @10:51 CDT:

I don't get it with last week's "Op-Ed page."   You had a "guest
columnist" with her picture, but you didn't print her column.

Well, she didn't really have anything to say.  But she had a face that just
couldn't be left out of Tabloid Headlines!  Or, call it more soft porn for
Mr. Porterfield.   – Editor

Len wrote Sun 9/29/13 @19:22 EDT:

"White power?"  How do you get that into an envelope?

Thank you for catching a typo.  Would you like a job as copy reader
or proofreader for Tabloid Headlines?  Pays nothing, but – just think
of the prestige!    – Editor

Ted Fiskevold wrote Sun 9/29/13 @13:14 CDT in reply to last week's
dumb geographical trivia from Indiana:

Since where I was born and grew up in Minnesota we reached
for the vermilion color crayon in the Crayola box  to color tires
on automobiles  and  denote  mud or dirt in our coloring books
or when we made pictures in school, I feel obliged to ring in on
this one.   Whether in Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Minnesota, or any
other part of the world,  when Vermilion is used in a name it's a
pretty  safe  bet  that the red in the flora, fauna, hair, rock, land,
sky or water of whatever is being named  Vermilion  has some-
thing to do with the reason for the name.  But as with any other
naming, it is not a safe bet that proper spelling will be used.

Anyway,  dumb geographical and historical trivia from Minneso-
ta:   The  Vermilion  is one of the three iron ranges in Minnesota
from where over two-thirds of the world's iron supply came  in
the 100 years spanning approximately 1880 to 1980, and from
where a large portion of the world's iron supply still comes. The
Mesabi and Cuyuna are the other two – all three collectively re-
ferred to politically, socially and geographically as "the Range.")
Lake  Vermilion  in  Minnesota,  where I go annually to fish for
wall-eyes with Ranger buddies,  is the fifth largest lake of Min-
nesota's storied 10,000 (actually there are nearly 12,000 lakes
in Minnesota of 10 acres or more in area  –  not counting Lake
Superior and Lake of the Woods,  which are not entirely within
the borders although their portions in Minnesota would put them
at Nos. 1 and 2, pushing Lake Vermilion down to seventh.

There are also townships, creeks, trails,  red-haired women  (and
other animals),  maybe some men,  at least one red-haired female
stripper, bars, cafés, clubs, a college,  and countless other critters,
places and things in Minnesota with Vermilion in their names. And
I've yet to see a double L in a Minnesota Vermilion,  even though
Minnesota (which could be called Minesoda for all the iron mines)
is spelled with a double N.

But you may expect to encounter a woman named Vermylyin ere
long. . . .

And we will expect her to be a black woman, with red hair.  – Editor

"Have a nice day."
                               – Hassan Rouhani, to Barack Obama

"Khodahafez."
                            – Obama

Martina Hingis, 33
Britt-Marie Eklund ("Britt Ekland"), 71
Jill Corey, 78
Johnny Mathis, 78
Elie Wiesel, 85
Jimmy Carter, 89

Jakiya McKoy, 7, "Little Miss Hispanic Delaware, was
stripped of her title for failing to submit proof that she is
at least 25 per cent Latina. . . . President Rouhani's mo-
torcade was pelted with eggs and shoes on his return to
Tehran from the United Nations. . . . Burger King intro-
duced "satisfries."  . . . Visitors to an English safari park
were asked not to wear animal prints. . . . Thirteen mo-
torists in Moreno Valley, California, were cited for fail-
ing to stop for a deputy sheriff dressed as a 7-foot-tall
gingerbread   man  in  a  crosswalk. . . .  A new guide-
book published in China advised those traveling to for-
eign lands not to pick their noses  in public,  urinate  in
pools or steal airline life jackets. . . .Pennsylvania Gov-
ernor Tom Corbett likened gay marriage to a marriage
of brother and sister. . . .

Defensive star Donte Whitner of the National Football League's
San Francisco 49'ers filed a legal petition to change his name to
Donte Hitner.

I started dating "Zach" 18 months ago and have been liv-
ing with him for almost a year.  Things are perfect except
for one thing.

Zach dated another girl for three years before he met me.
She was horrible, and hurtful toward him. When I began
seeing Zach, the ex started harassing me to the point that
I had to take out a restraining order against her.

And Zach's older sister  is still in constant contact with the
ex.  She talks about her in front of me and even allows the
ex to baby-sit her children.  She invites the ex to go places
with her,  and posts pictures of the two of them on Clutter-
book Facebook.

Zach has had fights with his sister about this, telling her how
hurtful it is to both of us; yet she still continues to do it.  I've
tried everything possible to make his sister like me but I can-
not compete with the ex.  It's causing a strain between Zach
and his sister. I don’t have issues with anyone else in his fam-
ily. What can I do to get the ex out of the picture permanent-
ly?
                                                The Current Woman in his Life

American government official to challenge Bashar al-Assad in 2013 'penis with ears' lookalike contest: Kevin Weiss, assistant secretary for engergy, Department of the Air Force, recipient of a Partnership for Public Service 'Sammie' award (PBS Newshour)