January 26, 2014:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket  –  this week's headlines
:


Li-Lo goes lez! Plans to marry on TV to boost reality show ratings (Enquirer); Author reveals: Jackie & RFK shared same lover, a ballet hunk, while JFK lived (Globe); Bruce Jenner has surgery to become a man! (Enquirer)
Li-Lo goes lez! Plans to marry on TV to boost reality show ratings (Enquirer); Author reveals: Jackie & RFK shared same lover, a ballet hunk, while JFK lived (Globe); Bruce Jenner has surgery to become a man! (Enquirer)


Dumb news from Indiana
:

A 12.3-foot semitrailer got stuck in a 12.2-foot underpass in Fort
Wayne.
                                                        [courtesy WANE Channel 15]

Eighteen semitrailers and two trucks sandwiched more than two doz-
en passenger cars in a chain reaction crash on snowy  I-94  near Mi-
chigan City  (3 persons and a dog were killed,  and at least 20 more
persons were injured).  In the meantime three semitrailers jackknifed
on I-65, closing that interstate highway near Lebanon.

                                [courtesy Los Angeles Times and other sources]

Police reported another road rage shooting on I-80 in Gary.


                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]
Destiny Hoffman, 34, of Jeffersonsville, served 154 days on a 48-hour sentence as her case fell through the cracks of the courthouse floor (is she pissed?) (Clark County News & Tribune)
Destiny Hoffman, 34, of Jeffersonsville, served 154 days on a 48-hour sentence as her case fell through the cracks of the courthouse floor (is she pissed?) (Clark County News & Tribune)

Dumb news from Kentucky:
The owner of the private Louisville company school bus that blew a
tire and crashed last June injuring 23,  mostly students,  testified in a
deposition that he did not know the bus was riding  on  11-year-old
tires that came from a scrap bin ("Oh, yeah?" asked Jeanetta: "Who
bought the tires,  and put them on the bus?").  The deposition gave
little  comfort,  said one of the plaintiffs in the lawsuit in which the
deposition was taken, the mother of a 16-year-old girl whose back,
elbow, sternum and ankle were broken, and who suffered a concus-
sion and other head wounds that required staples. . . .

State  Senator  John  Schickel,  a Boone County Republican,  drew
howls with a bill to allow the use of  service   monkeys  for the dis-
abled.
                                                   [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]
Lexington's most wanted: Lernana Mullins, BF, 38, 5'4", 170 lbs
Lexington's most wanted: Lernana Mullins, BF, 38, 5'4", 170 lbs
                                [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Quotations of the week:
"The key to overcoming resentment is being able to forget."
                                                                                                   Evan SelingerProfessor of
                                                                                                      the Philosophy of Technology


"If somebody is trying to get your goat, you should hide your goat."
                                                                                                                  – Leonard Simon,
                                                                                                                     Son of Sunfish

Quotations of the weak
(give ditzes and numbnocks a microphone, and they'll speak into it):
"I did not know I was pregnant; I only felt a stomach pain."

     – an unnamed 31-year-old Salvadorean nun
at the Little Disciples of Jesus convent in Cam-
        porno, Italy,
who had a baby boy (she named the baby Francis and said she would keep him)

"Me and history put them in those worlds
."
                                                                           Jay Cantor , author of Forgiving the
                                                                              Angel: Four Stories for Franz Kafka

"This bill is an idea that's time has come."
                                                                          – Kentucky State Auditor Adam Edelen
Birthdays:
Jeremiah Suleman, 5
Josiah Suleman, 5
Makai Suleman, 5
Jonah Suleman, 5
Nariyah Suleman, 5
Isaiah Suleman, 5
Maliyah Suleman, 5
Noah
Suleman, 5
Emma Bunton ("Baby Spice"), 38
Elvis Presley Jr., 41
Mary Lou Retton, 46
Linda Blair, 55
Ellen, 56
Lucinda Williams, 61
Neil Diamond, 73
Ray Stevens, 75
Ray Anthony, 92
"Rockers":
"Sleepy John" Estes (1899-1977)

Borf
's weekly BONUS:
A 54-year-old woman nÚ man offered a Bible-thumping
city councilman in Shreveport,  Louisiana,  the first stone
with which to put her to death. . . .
A man shot himself in
the leg in a road rage incident on I-4 near Orlando, Flor-
ida. . . . Farrah Abraham, MTV "Teen Mom" of Council
Bluffs, Iowa, turned porn star turned author (autobiogra-
phy),  announced plans for two more books  – an erotic
novel  and a Christian parenting guide. . . . Rhode Island
parents were warned their children could get  nose mag-
gots
  from snorting Smarties candies. . . . A German far-
mer caught a runaway bull by spiking a bucket  of  grain
with two bottles of vodka (after one proved not enough).

. . . Courtney Love was sued by her lawyer for  "Twibel"
(libel on Twitter).  . . . Justin Bieber was arrested in Mia-
mi, Florida, for drag racing under the influence.

  
[courtesy Harper's Weekly,
HuffPost, Raw Story, AP]

The sports:
Leah Shafer set a new low for a "recording artist's"  rendition  of
the Star Spangled Banner,  at the American Football Conference
championship game in Denver.  Here's a a YouTube link  (posted
37 minutes after the travesty),  and  here  is our attempt at a pho-
netic spelling of her delivery:
JosÚ kin you zee, baa though dawn's eerilyly lat,
Wutso prow-odely we helled hat thuh twalat's lest glee-me-ing,

Whose brad straps and bry-height stars through-who thuh peril-less fat,
Or thuh rampa-hearts we wah-hah-ahtched, were so gallant-lee streaming?
Hand the rockits' hred gla-hair, thuh bah-hombs bursting hinayer,
Gay-ave proo-uff through the nigh-i-ight n'that our flagg wuz still theyer;
JosÚ does thayat star-spengled banner yet way-ave,
Or thuh nuh-la-hand huv thuh freeeeeeeeeeeeeee hand thuh-uh home huv thuh brev?
Ann Wilson did a slightly more credible job at the NFC champion-
ship game, until she got to "free," on which she missed the pitch by
about five intervals.  And she,  too,  mispronounced  "perilous"  as
"peril-less," which has the exact opposite meaning. Fortunately she
could barely be heard above the crowd noise at the stadium in Se-
attle.   Here's the YouTube (it took only 7 minutes to get up).

POP QUIZ:  What pre-rock'n'roll crooner and country & western
star both scored hits in 1969 with the Hugo Montenegro song "Se-
attle"?  NO GOOGLING or YOUTUBING.

Canadian tennis player  Frank  Dancevic  had a  hallucination  of
Snoopy before passing out in 108░ heat in a match at the Austra-
lian Open in Melbourne  (he came to and finished his match,  los-
ing in straight sets).

Peyton Manning was considering entering the 2014 Penis With Ears Lookalike Contest
Peyton Manning was considering entering the 2014 Penis With Ears Lookalike Contest

Dear Eleanor:

I'm getting married to a wonderful man.  At a recent dinner
with his parents,  his mother asked if I would wear a neck-
lace that has been passed down to the women in her family
on their wedding days. It does not suit my dress, and I had
not planned to wear a necklace at all.  This is not  a  simple
chain with pendant or a strand of pearls; it is a large "state-
ment" piece.  It's got  huge  knobs  on it that look a bit like
the maces medieval knights used to break through armor. I
really don't want to wear it, but I'm wondering if this is one
of those things I just need to suck up and do?

                                                                Hate the Heirloom
Dear Hattie:
                            Here's how we handle this,  honey.  Your father,
                            or your grandfather, or at least one of your male
                            ancestors was a military veteran, right? You can
                            ask the groom to wear  your  family's  heirloom
                            combat boots to the wedding.  Or you can just
                            show up at the wedding rehearsal wearing Son-
                            ny's mama's heirloom necklace  and  your  fami-
                            ly's  heirloom combat boots.  Things will get re-
                            solved.


Unopened e-mail last week included
messages from "Tatum Speth"
        and "Abby Foulds."


DISCUSSION GROUP:


      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Asma Khalid.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


'Horses are so dumb!' (photo courtesy Bruce Mitchell)
'Horses are so dumb!' (photo courtesy Bruce Mitchell)

Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 19, 2014:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket  –  this week's headlines:



Nicole Richie's tragic relapse, ANOREXIC AGAIN, down to 88 lbs (Star); Aaron Rodgers betrayed by hunk, NFL star in gay scandal (Globe); Sex in a tree is a bad idea (Huffington Post)
Nicole Richie's tragic relapse, ANOREXIC AGAIN, down to 88 lbs (Star); Aaron Rodgers betrayed by hunk, NFL star in gay scandal (Globe); Sex in a tree is a bad idea (Huffington Post)


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Steve Yates wrote Sun 1/12/14 @10:26 CST:
Here's  one  for  Len and Bruce:  The epitome of confusion is
Father's Day in Detroit.

William Skaggs wrote Sun 1/12/14 @12:37 CST:
The most frequently heard phrase after a Kentucky girl loses her
virginity is, "Get off me now, Daddy, you'll crush my cigarettes."

J. Ewing wrote Mon 1/13/14 @19:31 EST re last week's listing of Jan-
uary 8 birthdays:
Soupy Sales (1926-2009).

NÚ Milton Supman.  A good old Huntington, W.Va., boy.  Grad-
uated from the same high school as my mom and dad  –  et  moi.
His photo is in my mom's yearbook.  And he worked at a jewel-
ry store with my mom's childhood friend Thelma (my godmother).
Graduated from Marshall University.

Fred Dean wrote Mon 1/13/14 @11:38 PST re the listing of January 8
birthdays, which included Elvis' (and Mr. Dean's hisself):
And "Ish Kabibble" I read somewhere, but I know not his given
name.

Ish  Kabibble's  birthday  was January 19 (today),  not January 8.  His
maiden name was Merwyn Bogue.  As Andrei Codrescu said,  "Don't
ask
me anything you can Google!"

We do not know whether Ish Kabibble was any kin to Ibby Caputo, who
was listed in last week's issue of Tabloid Headlines  (along with the Janu-
ary 8 birthdays) as an upcoming guest speaker at the Weekly World News
Round Table.  We kinda doubt it.  She is a staffer at National Public Radi-
o's WGBH affiliate in Boston  and reports occasionally for NPR news.

                                                                                                            – Editor
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Beam Inc., whose bourbon brands include Jim Beam and Maker's
Mark
, was being acquired by a Japanese corporation (never mind –
Beam's headquarters already is in Deerfield, Illinois). . . .
Lexington's most wanted:  Angela Adams, WF, 35, 5'4", 130 lbs
Lexington's most wanted:  Angela Adams, WF, 35, 5'4", 130 lbs
                                                      [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Dumb news from Indiana:
The driver of a silver Dodge Ram pickup truck shot the driver of a red
Dodge Ram in a road rage incident on I-80 in Gary.

                                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Quotation of the week:
"It would be like inviting Hitler to lunch."
                                                                    – Congressman Eliot Engel (D-N.Y.) on Dennis
                                                                       Rodman's playing basketball for Kim Jong-un

Quotation of the weak
(give a numbnock a microphone, and he'll speak into it):
"I am very good at working with Jews."
                                                                   Chen Guangbiao, a Chinese tycoon
                                                                      hoping to buy the Wall Street Journal

Redundancies that need a nap:  "Winding Way Trail"


Roots and grafts:
  The  Merriam-Webster  Dictionary  defines  "kissing
                             cousin" as "a relative whom one knows well enough
                            
to  kiss more or less formally  upon  meeting."   The
                             Oxford  dictionaries  say it is "a relative known well
                             enough to be given a kiss in greeting." 
But the Am-
                             erican Heritage Dictionary  defines it as  "a  distant
                             relative known well enough to be kissed when gree-
                             ted" (our emphasis).

                             We're with the American Heritage definition.  If you
                             are kissing  your  first  cousins,  you are getting  too
                             close to incest.  Marriage  with relatives as close as
                             first cousins  is prohibited in most jurisdictions  (see
                             Dear Eleanor's column on this in  our  May 5, 2013,
                             issue). What do our readers have to say about this?


Birthdays:
Michelle Obama, 50
Nina Totenberg, 70
Betty White, 92
Merwyn Bogue ("Ish Kabibble," 1908-1993)

"Rockers":
Liz Anderson (1930-2011)

Borf
's weekly BONUS:
Colorado changed the 420 mile marker on I-70  to  419.99
in an effort to avert theft,  and changed the 69 mile marker
on another highway to 68.5. . . .
A British biologist conclu-
ded that cats think their owners are large cats. .  .  .  Good
news  for central West Virginia:   Bad  news  downstream?
(let's see: There' s Huntington,  Cincinnati,  Louisville,  Pa-
ducah, Memphis, Baton Rouge, New Orleans,  and  places
in between and beyond – like Ghana, and France). . . . A
a pimp serving a prison sentence in Oregon  for stomping a
john with his Jordans sued Nike for failing to label the snea-
kers dangerous.  .  .  .  Zambian opposition politician Frank
Bwalya  was  arrested  for calling President Michael Sata a
sweet potato. . . .  A doctor drowned a cockroach stuck in
a man’s ear in Darwin, Australia, in olive oil,  and  rescuers
used olive oil  to free a nude man stuck in a washing mach-
ine
in Mooroopna,  Australia. . . . A woman was found not
guilty  of  DUGG  (driving  under  the  influence  of  Google
Glass
) in San Diego, California.
                            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]


A Tabloid Headlines editorial (re Chris Christiegate):
Putting one little word after another,  and would someone
please explain why a Democratic mayor was expected to
endorse a Republican governor for re-election  in the first
place?

Dear Eleanor:
Do you think people should go to their high school reunions?
I skipped my 10th,  and there were people who couldn't un-
derstand it.

I just don't see any reason to go.  I'm  not  curious  about any-
one.  I was bullied.  And I would go only to be a braggy brag-
gerson (I live in New York City now, and celebrities and mus-
icians know my name and say hi to me),  and  my  classmates'
responses  all would be,  "How many kids do you have,  and
how big is your house?"
                                                Big Enough for Three of You
Dear Braggy:
                            Go when you no longer give a shit – maybe
                            your 20th or 30th.  You might enjoy it (and
                            you might learn something about yourself).


The sports:
Canadian gets hang of hoops, Morehead center Chad Posthumus glares at Xavier's Isiah Philmore as he takes control of a rebound during their November game in Cincinnati, Morehead is a state university in Kentucky, but Chad's from Winnipeg, Manitoba – and, "He's just a beast," says teammate Drew Kelly (AP)
Canadian gets hang of hoops, Morehead center Chad Posthumus glares at Xavier's Isiah Philmore as he takes control of a rebound during their November game in Cincinnati, Morehead is a state university in Kentucky, but Chad's from Winnipeg, Manitoba – and, "He's just a beast," says teammate Drew Kelly (AP)
Basketball hotties: Miranda Maples, Eastern Kentucky University; Jennifer O'Neill, University of Kentucky
Basketball hotties: Miranda Maples, Eastern Kentucky University; Jennifer O'Neill, University of Kentucky
Dennis Rodman checked into rehab.

No news is good news dept.:  Velveeta.


Unopened e-mail last week included
messages from "Essence Newell"
        and "Karlie Dawe."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Umaru Fofanah.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 12, 2014:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket  –  this week's headlines:



Feud that tore Everly Brothers apart, Older brother Don not at Phil's deathbed, 'They really hated each other's guts' (Enquirer)
Feud that tore Everly Brothers apart, Older brother Don not at Phil's deathbed, 'They really hated each other's guts' (Enquirer)


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Len wrote Sun 1/5/14 @12:18 EST:
Bruce Mitchell asked and answered last week:
"Q:  What's the definition of a virgin, in the South?
"A:  A girl who can run faster than her brother."
And her father and uncles, he might add. . . .
And where do these guys get their expertise on Southern culture,
you ask?   Well,  both are from Detroit and,  therefore,  grew  up
with Southerners.  – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana:
I-94 and I-65 were closed under nearly a foot of snow.

                                                     [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
An inmate with only two months to go for parole  escaped
from the Blackburn prison near Lexington but turned him-
self back in after a night and less than  a  day  in  tempera-
tures down to 4 below zero. . . .

State  Representative  Leslie  Combs,  a  blonde Democrat
from Pikeville, discharged a pistol in her office in the Cap-
itol Annex in Frankfort (she said it was an accident). . . .

Guy Padraic Hamilton-Smith graduated in the top third of
his class at the University of Kentucky School of Law but
was denied admission to the bar because he is  a  register-
ed sex offender. . . .
           Lexington's most wanted: Tabitha Ann Lea, WF, 34, 5'4", 120 lbs                                                                    
Lexington's most wanted: Tabitha Ann Lea, WF, 34, 5'4", 120 lbs
                             [courtesy Herald-Leader]
Jessica Boyers, 25, former Highland Middle School teacher in Louisville, admitted she kissed and straddled a 13-year-old male student in her car, in a park and in her house but denied having sex with him
Jessica Boyers, 25, former Highland Middle School teacher in Louisville, admitted she kissed and straddled a 13-year-old male student in her car, in a park and in her house but denied having sex with him
                                           [courtesy Courier-Journal
                    –  Jessica's  arrest was reported in the A-
                    pril 14, 2013,
issue of Tabloid Headlines]

Quotation of the week:
"We got a bunch of leaders who don’t stand up and piss against
 the wall like a man."
                                                    – The Rev. Steven L. Anderson 

Redundancies that need a nap:  "Winding Way Lane"


Roots and grafts:
  Several of our readers have asked us to define the measure
                             "dollop,"  which appeared in Hank Hebhoe's  holiday  chili
                             recipe in our December 1 issue.  A dollop is approximately
                             1/48 of a glop.

January 8 birthdays:
Bruce Sutter, 61
David Robert Jones ("Bowie"), 67
Robby Krieger, 68
Stephen Hawking, 72
Yvette Mimieux, 72
Little Anthony Gourdine (of the Imperials), 73
Elvis Aron Presley (1935-1977)
Jesse Garon Presley (1935-1935)
Soupy Sales (1926-2009)
Gret Palucca (1902-1993)
Other birthdays in the last week:
Mary J. Bilge, 43
Howard Stern, 60
Scott McKenzie (1939-2012)
Bernardine Dohrn, 72
Paul Revere Dick (of the Raiders), 76
Glenn Yarbrough, 84
"Country singers":
Sandy Denny (1947-1978)
"Rockers":
Domenico Modugno (1928-1994)

Borf
's weekly BONUS:
Janice Keihanaikukauakahihulihe'ekahaunaele got a dri-
ver's license in Hawaii. . . .
Hery Martial Rakotoariman-
ana Rajaonarimampianina
was elected president of Ma-
dagascar. .  .  .  Wal-Mart recalled "Five Spice" donkey
meat
that had been contaminated with fox meat in Chi-
na. . . .  Mary Kay LeTourneau was jailed in Seattle for
missing a suspended driver's license hearing. . . . Janua-
ry 10 was declared  Houseplant  Appreciation  Day  by
the Gardener's Network. . . . New mayor Bill de Blasio
caught hell from fellow New Yorkers for digging  into  a
Staten Island pizza with knife and fork.
[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Denise Noe, Snopes, HuffPost, AP]


The sports:
The Indiana Supreme Court took up a lawsuit against the
Gary SouthShore RailCats minor league baseball team by
a fan whose face was fractured by a foul ball. . . .

The college football championship game ("BCS") was not
on TV,  but only on cable and satellite ("ESPN").  In  case
you are curious, Florida State won. . . .

Dennis Rodman apologized. . . .
      Basketball hotshot: Morehead State University senior forward Chad Posthumus is second in the nation in rebounds (12.4 per game) (Associated Press photo) 
Basketball hotshot: Morehead State University senior forward Chad Posthumus is second in the nation in rebounds (12.4 per game) (Associated Press photo)

Dear Eleanor:

You've printed a few letters about  married  couples  who
are not enjoying a good sex life.  I think there is more ad-
vice you should give on this subject.  First of all,  married
couples should not sleep in the same bed.  Sleeping toge-
ther causes people to become  overly  familiar  with each
other,  leading to boredom.  It  should  be  special.  Each
spouse  should  sleep  in a separate room  and use a sepa-
rate bathroom.

There are many reasons for low libido; but for men it's food
preservatives, which often contain saltpeter. Men who want
to stay virile must avoid packaged foods.

Besides overfamiliarity and physical problems, there is the
issue  of what to do in bed.   Couples who explore the per-
secutor-victim-rescuer  story   are  usually able to develop
some very exciting scripts.   This  makes  the bedroom ex-
perience much more intellectually stimulating and fun.  It's
not just a random experience but, rather,  a planned game
that both people can look forward to.
                                                                                Randi
Dear Ran:
                    You're fucking nuts!

                    But I like the bedroom/boredom anagram.


Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Priscila Prestwood"
        and "Gisselle Ott."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Rachel Gotbaum,
Holly Otterbein and Ibby Caputo.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 5, 2014:     Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines (Editor's note: All mail-
ing of Tabloid headlines to AOL mailboxes bounced last week –
write your congressman):



Elvis lives! 16-year-old Quebec kid is reincarnation of the King (Enquirer); Dick Clark GAY shocker, Bandstand dancers tell all (Globe); Phil gets revenge on 'Duck Dynasty' betrayal - always hated the show (Enquirer); Indiana inmate dies after attempting suicide in cell (Columbus Republic - uh, er, putting one little word after another, and, we guess he succeeded, no?)
Elvis lives! 16-year-old Quebec kid is reincarnation of the King (Enquirer); Dick Clark GAY shocker, Bandstand dancers tell all (Globe); Phil gets revenge on 'Duck Dynasty' betrayal - always hated the show (Enquirer); Indiana inmate dies after attempting suicide in cell (Columbus Republic - uh, er, putting one little word after another, and, we guess he succeeded, no?)


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Bruce Mitchell did not have an answer for last week's legal conun-
drum about the couple that got married in Kentucky and divorced
in West Virginia,  but he did present a conundrum of his own.  He
wrote Sun 12/29/13 @13:33 PST:
Q:  What's the definition of a virgin, in the South?

A:  A girl who can run faster than her brother.

Dumb news from Indiana
:
A 21-year-old Indianapolis man  was  arrested  for stealing jars of
dead mental patients' brain tissue from the Indiana Medical History
Museum and selling them on e-Bay. . . .

A woman in Valparaiso called police to report her children, 5 and 3,
missing after she entered a neighbor's house thinking it was hers.
. . .

A Gary woman admitted accepting money to let a man take porn-
ographic photos of her daughters, aged 1 and 4, to post on line. . . .

A woman in Muncie was charged with three counts of neglect of a
vertebrate animal
for locking her cats in a garage and  letting  them
starve to death (and here's your photographic link, Jan). . . .

The comedian Gallagher officiated at a New Year's Eve 14-water-
melon drop in Vincennes.
                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

A 1-year-old Amish girl was fatally injured in a  buggy  rollover
near Fountain City when the horse got spooked while being un-
hooked (no motor vehicle involved).
                                                                [courtesy Associated Press]
Bonita Lynn Vela, 35, of Franklin, sliced her daughter's boy friend's penis with a box cutter, believing, high on marijuana, that he had molested her 2-year-old son (Indianapolis Star)
Bonita Lynn Vela, 35, of Franklin, sliced her daughter's boy friend's penis with a box cutter, believing, high on marijuana, that he had molested her 2-year-old son (Indianapolis Star)

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Mitch McConnell . . .

Rand Paul . . .

Mitch McConnell . . .

Rand Paul . . .

Mitch McConnell . . .

Alice-in-Wonderland's Groin.

                                                  [courtesy the political parties, and the voters]

Quotation of the week:
"I invite even nonbelievers to desire peace."
                                                                          – Pope Jorge, in his first Urbi et Orbi address

Quotation of the weak (give a ditz a microphone, and she'll speak into it):
"I've read a lot of butlers' memoirs, and what I've found particularly fascinating was
 how it revealed how butlers were so butlery."
                                                                               Lucy Lethbridge, author of  Servants:
                                                                                  A Downstairs History of Britain from
                                                                                  the 19th Century to Modern Times 

Redundancies that need a nap:  "Broadway Boulevard."


Roots and grafts:  "peacekeeper" – funny way to spell "soldier."


Birthdays:
Laila Ali, 36
A. J. Pierzynski, 37
Eldrick Tont ("Tiger") Woods, 38
Patty Loveless, 57
Mel Gibson, 58
Diane Keaton, 68
Joseph Allen ("Country Joe") McDonald, 71


Borf
's weekly BONUS:
A shoe containing a human foot was found on  Jupiter  Is-
land in South Florida.
. . .  A statue of a nude man with an
erection being eaten by a bear was shrouded by  a  wood
fence at a sculpture park in the Queens, New York. . . .
A
Catholic church in Manhattan  answered complaints about
ringing Christmas bells all day by ringing them all night too.
. . . Vandals burned down the 43-foot-tall, 3.6-ton Christ-
mas straw goat in Gavle, Sweden,  for the 27th time since
1966. . . .
A judge denied PETA's petition to stop a New
Year's Eve possum drop in Brasstown, North Carolina....
A giant rubber duck, one of several distributed by a Dutch
artist,  exploded  in a Taiwan harbor on  New  Year's  Eve
(investigators sought an eagle of interest reported  to  have
pecked the big little bird).
           [courtesy Harper's Weekly, HuffPost, MSNBC.com, AP]


Dear Eleanor:
I have a problem,  and I'm not sure how my family will react.
I'm attracted to transsexuals – well, to one in particular – but
I'm not gay.

Some of the transsexuals I've spoken to don't look as if they
are male at all. They easily could pass for female since birth.
I don't want my family to think  I'm  gay,  because  I'm  not.
How do I tell them?
                                                                Pennsylvania Pete
Dear Pete:
                    Better you don't.  If and when they figure it out, you
                    can act as surprised as they are.

                    You're a pistol, Pete!


The sports:
Bowling Green High School's Nacarius Fant was named
Mr. Football in Kentucky.

                                [courtesy Columbus (Ind.) Republic]

Unopened e-mail last week included
messages from "Krista Doty"
        and "wel jotup."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Sabir Mustafa and
Nacarius Fant.


Poster seen on local Post Office wall:
Have you seen any of these missing children? Eliginethe Cardona, b 9/13/96, missing 6/28/12, Hannah Hatswell, b 10/17/94, missing 6/8/12, Linnea Lomax, born 6/8/93, missing 6/26/12, Child? Nearly 16 on date missing, nearly 17-1/2 now; child? age 17-1/2 on date missing, 19 now, child? age 19 on date missing, 20-1/2 now - these are not "missing children," they're runaway hotties! - Editor; Please call the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, Hot line 1-800-843-5678, TDD 1-800-826-7653 (poster issued August 2012)
Have you seen any of these missing children? Eliginethe Cardona, b 9/13/96, missing 6/28/12, Hannah Hatswell, b 10/17/94, missing 6/8/12, Linnea Lomax, born 6/8/93, missing 6/26/12, Child? Nearly 16 on date missing, nearly 17-1/2 now; child? age 17-1/2 on date missing, 19 now, child? age 19 on date missing, 20-1/2 now - these are not "missing children," they're runaway hotties! - Editor; Please call the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, Hot line 1-800-843-5678, TDD 1-800-826-7653 (poster issued August 2012)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


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