March 30, 2014:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket  –  this week's headlines:


'Object of interest' reported by New Zealand air craft in search for flight 370 (NBC-TV)

Mystery of flight 370 solved, both pilots were terror recruits (Enquirer); Putin protecting him, Diana's killer hiding in Russia (Globe); Study: Restaurant salds have more calories than fast food burgers (Examiner); Elvis fans in outrage over Britney's Graceland wedding (Globe)
'Object of interest' reported by New Zealand air craft in search for flight 370 (NBC-TV); Mystery of flight 370 solved, both pilots were terror recruits (Enquirer); Putin protecting him, Diana's killer hiding in Russia (Globe); Study: Restaurant salds have more calories than fast food burgers (Examiner); Elvis fans in outrage over Britney's Graceland wedding (Globe)


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Publius Leget wrote Sun 3/23/14 @11:49 CDT:
Hey.   I want to be one of Lindsay Lohan's lovers.   And I went
to that web site you linked, and it didn't work.  It was retarded.
And it wanted me to sign up to be a member of something.
Try Photoslop.  That's how we did it.  – Editor


Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 3/23/14 @12:42 PDT:

All the news fit to link.

Er – we'll take that for a compliment.  Thanks (we think).  – Ed.

Dumb news from Indiana
:
A Good Samaritan waving traffic away from the body of a pedestrian
who  had just been struck and killed north of South Bend  was  killed
when struck by a hit-and-run motorist.
                                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]
South Bend's most wanted: Samantha Wood, WF, 5'5", 125 lbs, possession of methamphetamine
South Bend's most wanted: Samantha Wood, WF, 5'5", 125 lbs, possession of methamphetamine

Dumb news from Indiana and Kentucky:
A Hoosier from Jeffersonville flagged down a cop in Louisville to help
him jump-start a stolen car (the Hoosier was arrested).

                                                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
In a national poll conducted by the Tarrance Group and Lake Research,
38 per cent of the voters  had a favorable opinion of Kentucky Senator
Rand  Paul,  only 31 per cent had an unfavorable opinion,  and a whop-
ping 17 per cent said they had never heard of him! . . .

A re-election campaign video for Mitch McConnell contained a film clip
of a Duke University basketball team identified as the University of Ken-
tucky celebrating a victory. . . .

Louisville had an old fashioned race riot.
                                                                        [courtesy Courier-Journal]

        The Blue Apple Players, a youth theater group in Louisille, perform "No More Secrets" (Kevin McGloshen photo, Courier-Journal)
The Blue Apple Players, a youth theater group in Louisille, perform "No More Secrets" (Kevin McGloshen photo, Courier-Journal)

A giant vacuum cleaner was engaged in the effort to remove the last three
of eight cars from a sinkhole at the National Corvette Museum in Bowling
Green.
                                                                  [courtesy Park City Daily News]

Morehead recently became the sixth Kentucky city to adopt a fairy housing
ordinance.
                                                                                            [courtesy ACLU]

Quotations of the week
:
"The G7 nations suspended their participation in the G8."
                                                                                                – Jacob Z. Gross, Harper's magazine

"I guess this means my spring break in Siberia is off."
                                                                                       – John McCain, his Russian visa suspended

"
The only things that interest me in the U.S. are Tupac Shakur, Allen Ginsberg and Jackson
 
Pollock.  I don’t need a visa to access their work."
                                                                                     Vladislav  Surkov,  aide to Vladimir
                                                                                        Putin, his American visa suspended

"
When I want to communicate with a foreign leader privately, I type or write a letter myself,
  take it to the post office, and mail it."
                                                                    – Jimmy Carter

"Thank you very much for the invitation, and for the attention to my country."

                     – Moldovan ambassador Igor Munteanu, to interviewer Linda Wertheimer on Na-
                        tional Public Radio (i.e., not "Thank you so much" or "Thank you for having me")

Quotation of the weak (give a numbnock a microphone, and he'll speak into it):
"I think it's a no-brainer."
                                             – Ken Lipke, survey respondent, WTVF Channel 5, Nash-
                                                ville,  Tennessee  (putting one little word after another,
                                                and,
uh, er, if it's a no-brainer, why is he thinking about it?)

Pick-up line of the week:
"I promised my daughter I would be faithful, but, oh, you kid!"
                                                                                                        – Chester the Molester

Quotations of the Wheat (pick-up lines):
"Excuse me, Miss – did anyone ever tell you you look better than a
 government check?"
                                            – Leonard Simon


"There's an app for that!"
A research team at Purdue University's Weldon School of Biomedical
Engineering was teaching "smart" phones how to drive a car.

R.I.P. Edwin F. Kagin, 73, national legal director of American Atheists Inc.
         
(he knows now about heaven and hell, if he knows anything).


Birthdays:
Lady Gag-a, 28
Norah Jones, 35
Lucy Lawless, 46
Reginald Kenneth Dwight ("Elton John"), 67
Diana Ross, 70
Charlie McCoy, 73
Astrud Gilberto, 74
Gloria Steinem, 80
Bob Elliott, 91
Ray Goulding (1922-1990 –
woulda been 92 six days before Bob turned 91)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Three elephants spooked by a loud noise escaped  a  cir-
cus in St. Charles County, Missouri, and stomped cars in
the parking lot. . . .
"Tweets" from Turkey shot up by 138
per cent after Prime Minister
Recep Tayyip Erdogan had
blocked Twitter in Turkey (he thought). . . . Five hundred
twenty-nine Muslim Brothers were sentenced to death in
Egypt. . . . 
A California National Guardsman was arrest-
ed on his way to Canada after posting a pledge to Allah's
Army on Instagram. . . . Fourteen condoms filled with co-
caine were found in a shipment of cushions to the Vatican.
.  .  . The same zoo that recently offed a giraffe to prevent
"inbreeding," in Copenhagen, Denmark,  has offed four li-
ons
two old males "euthanized" in a "generational shift,"
and two cubs also because they were not  old  enough  to
fend for themselves  and "anyway would have been killed
by the new lion." . . .  A man who served 15 years in pris-
on for robbing a shoe store in Toms River,  New  Jersey,
went back and robbed the same store  a day after his re-
lease. . . . Kim Jong-un  haircuts  became mandatory for
men in North Korea  (remember the Nehru jacket?  Tab-
loid Headlines predicts that the Kim Jong-un haircut will
become a fashion statement in the West).
    [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Huffington Post, Raw Story, AP]


The sports (Tabloid Headlines editorials):
Putting one little word after another, and, uh, er, how did:
San Antonio and Spokane wind up as two of the four hosts for entry to the East regional of the NCAA men's basketball tournament?

Wisconsin
wind up playing Oregon in Milwaukee for an entry to the West regional?

Mercer (that's in Georgia) wind up playing Tennessee in Raleigh for entry to the Midwest regional?

Orlando
wind up with Raleigh as two of the four hosts for entry to the Midwest regional?

Dayton wind up playing Syracuse in Buffalo for entry to the South regional?

Kansas wind up playing Stanford in St. Louis for entry to the South regional?

San Diego
, St. Louis and Buffalo wind up as three of the four hosts for entry to the South regional?
Or is this why they call it "March madness"?
Early entrant in 2014 Penis with Ears Lookalike contest: Archie Miller, University of Dayton Flyers basketball coach; Contenders: Billy Donovan, University of Florida, Sean Miller (Archie's brother), University of Arizona
Early entrant in 2014 Penis with Ears Lookalike contest: Archie Miller, University of Dayton Flyers basketball coach; Contenders: Billy Donovan, University of Florida, Sean Miller (Archie's brother), University of Arizona
        By the way, fully half of the four "Elite Eight" games were not on television.

So, why was the Northwestern University football team the first to form a union? They, of all teams, did not need one to go on strike!
So, why was the Northwestern University football team the first to form a union? They, of all teams, did not need one to go on strike!
Dear Eleanor:
My husband and I got into a big argument after spending the
night at a friend's house.  I  started  to make the bed;  and he
said,  "Don't do that!  It's rude!"

I went ahead and made the bed, and he wouldn't speak to me
all the way home.  What's rude about making a bed?

                                                                Sylvia in Schenectady
Dear Sylly:
                      Your husband is right.  It is rude to make a guest bed
                      before leaving after a visit.  It implies that your hosts
                      would turn the bed over to  the  next  guests  without
                      changing the sheets.

                      If you are staying more than one night,  it  would  be
                      rude not to make the bed  each  morning  before the
                      last day of your visit.  But on the last day it's the oth-
                      er way around.


This week's movie:  New things to avoid.     
Ally commercial new 3
Ally commercial new 3

Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Pamera Dougal"
        and "Reino Tallent."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Britney Spears.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



March 23, 2014:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket  –  this week's headlines:


Watch out, Hollywood: She wrote it all down!, 36 famous lovers EXPOSED, Dozens of top stars panic as Lindsay Lohan's secret list of hookups, found at the Beverly Hills Hotel, is revealed, Justin Timberlake, Adam Levine, Colin Farrell, Zac Efron, Joaquin Phoenix, Heath Ledger, more names next week, guess the Oscar winner! (In Touch)
Watch out, Hollywood: She wrote it all down!, 36 famous lovers EXPOSED, Dozens of top stars panic as Lindsay Lohan's secret list of hookups, found at the Beverly Hills Hotel, is revealed, Justin Timberlake, Adam Levine, Colin Farrell, Zac Efron, Joaquin Phoenix, Heath Ledger, more names next week, guess the Oscar winner! (In Touch)


Dumb news from Indiana:
A fire truck got stuck in a sinkhole in a street in Indianapolis. . . .

A man stole an ambulance in Gary and drove it to Chicago. . . .

Four state legislators sent a letter to the president of Ball State Univer-
sity criticizing her prohibition of teaching "intelligent design." . . .

The cast kept their clothes on in a recent production of the 1960s mu-
sical Hair in Evansville.
                                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A man suspected of  stealing  clothes  he was trying on at a store in
Richmond took them off when confronted by employees  and  then
was charged with indecent exposure. . . .

Texas Governor Rick Perry endorsed Kentucky Senator Mitch Mc-
Connell for re-election. . . .

A Lexington policeman who shot his neighbor's dog avoided criminal
charges. . . .
   Lexington's most wanted: Adrianna Kenley, BF, 24, 5'8", 150 lbs
Lexington's most wanted: Adrianna Kenley, BF, 24, 5'8", 150 lbs
                                                                      [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Quotations of the week
:
"Let's all vote in agreement!"
                                                    North Korean election slogan (and Crimean?)

"So, what, it took us 100 years to find the Titanic?  It took us 2,000 years to find Noah's
 Ark.  Do we ever find flight 370?"
                                                                Bill Hemmer, Fox News

"You know the Noah movie is bad when God is a bigger dick than Russell Crowe."
                                                                                                                                      Bill Maher

Quotations of the weak (give a numbnock a microphone, and he'll speak into it):
"There are very serious repercussions that can flow out of this.  There are a broad array of
 options that are available, not just to the United States but to our allies."
                                                                                                                        John Kerry

"
We already have, ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know how many museums for women,
 all over the country:  They are called malls."
                                                                                Rush Limbaugh

Pick-up line of the week
:
"Did it hurt?  When you fell, from heaven?"
                                                                             – TV  commercial
Pick-up lines of the Wheat:
"Are those the new 'mirror pants' you're wearing?  Because I can see myself
  gettin' in 'em."
                                         – Leonard Simon

"There's an app for that!"  (Who's next on Lindsay Lohan's lovers list?)
Put yourself here
Put yourself here

 


Birthdays:
Mia Hamm, 42
Queen Latifah, 44
Irene Cara, 55
Dr. Livingstone (we presume; 1813-1873)

"Rockers":
Maurice Stans (1908-1998)

Borf
's weekly BONUS:
A baby with two heads was born in India. . . . A man who
woke up in a body bag  in  February  at  a funeral home in
Lexington, Mississippi, was pronounced dead again.  .  .  .
The Senate passed a bill to eliminate the "good soldier" de-
fense in military sexual assault cases. . . . A Marquette Uni-
versity professor diagnosed  Scooby  Doo  with  "rhotic re-
placement" speech disorder. . . .  Veterinarians  in  the state
of Washington reported a canine plague of  cannabis  pois-
oning. . . . Etymologists and Snopes debunked a meme sug-
gesting that "Hello" was the surname of Alexander Graham
Bell's mistress  (see  previous discussion  in Tabloid Head-
lines). . . . A 5th grade teacher in Linden,  Michigan,  gave
her students a taste of O'Doul's nonalcoholic beer  in a his-
tory lesson on 18th century ale.
        [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Huffington Post, Raw Story, AP]


This week's movie:  New things to avoid.
Ally new 2
Allynew2

Dear Eleanor:
My husband and I are arguing about his desire to work
from home.   He has an office job that he can accomp-
lish remotely,  and working at home saves him an hour
a day commuting.

But I don't want him working at home.   I have to admit
that the main reason is I want him out of the house more.
Does that make me a terrible wife?

I work a part-time job that allows me to be home in time
for the school bus.    I take an occasional phone meeting
at home,  but  now  I have to take those calls in the bed-
room.
                                                                        Please help
Dear Helen:
                       
Would it work as well if he stayed out at night?
                        Maybe you could find him a girl friend.

Celebrity lookalikes: Mohamed Morsi, Jonathan Polacheck
Celebrity lookalikes: Mohamed Morsi, Jonathan Polacheck

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Steve Rogers" titled "welcome
        to anal sex forum (OUR FORUMS ARE RUN BY VOLUNTEERS)."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
 Gigi Douban (for
a return engagement).


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:


    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines – or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



March 16, 2014:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket  –  this week's headlines:


Divorce bombshell, Ellen & Portia, jealousy, drinking and fighting, Ellen can't stop flirting with younger women, Portia pressured to have plastic surgery (Star); Obama at war with Hollywood (Enquirer); Diabetes time bomb, Paula Deen boozing and binge-eating, gains 40 lbs (Enquirer)
Divorce bombshell, Ellen & Portia, jealousy, drinking and fighting, Ellen can't stop flirting with younger women, Portia pressured to have plastic surgery (Star); Obama at war with Hollywood (Enquirer); Diabetes time bomb, Paula Deen boozing and binge-eating, gains 40 lbs (Enquirer)


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 3/9/14 @08:47 PDT:
Give the WKYU-FM weather girl a break.   Most weather
apps these days report the  "feels  like"  temperature along
with actual temperature. Maybe she felt colder than it real-
ly was that morning.
As  if  she were outdoors in the wind, and not in the comfort of a
radio studio.  Our guess is that her forecast was recorded the day
or the night before.      – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana
:
A 15-year-old boy visiting Butler University in Indianapolis with
his high school band did not show up for the return trip to Texas
and was found a week later walking the road in Mooresville, 20
miles south of Indianapolis.  He did not have much to say about
why he missed the bus and what he had been doing, and report-
ers were scratching their heads about  how he had amused him-
self for a week in central Indiana.
                                                            [
courtesy Associated Press]

"Honest to Goodness Indiana" was under attack already.

                                                 [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A Head Start teacher in Williamsburg who pleaded guilty to biting a 15-
month-old child in her charge was sentenced to anger management.

                              [courtesy Corbin News-Journal - Whitley Republican]

Street gangs were plaguing La Grange (pop. 8,000).

                                                 [courtesy La Grange News, Oldham Era]

Kentucky celebrity mirror lookalikes: Melissa Weaver, Oldham County choir director; Lisa Ford Meredith Price, Bowling Green socialite
Kentucky celebrity mirror lookalikes: Melissa Weaver, Oldham County choir director; Lisa Ford Meredith Price, Bowling Green socialite

A  bill  written by AT&T that would let it,  Windstream  and  Cincinnati
Bell drop land-line telephone service was unanimously approved by the
state House of Representatives Economic Development Committee.

                                                                   [courtesy Cincinnati Enquirer]

The General Assembly was working on a bill to allow schools to forget
about making up  10  of  the  days they have lost to snow and cold this
year  (Lawrence County, in eastern Kentucky, has lost 32 days). . . .

The 2010 Miss Kentucky, Djuan Trent, came out  (surely you remem-
ber Djuan  1  2  3  4 ). . . .

Lexington's most wanted: No new faces this week, but last week's pin-up girl, Darlinea Hobbs, WF, 41, 5'1", 140 lbs, is this week's featured fugitive; and we have information about her: She is wanted for first degree perjury
Lexington's most wanted: No new faces this week, but last week's pin-up girl, Darlinea Hobbs, WF, 41, 5'1", 140 lbs, is this week's featured fugitive; and we have information about her: She is wanted for first degree perjury

                                  [courtesy Herald-Leader]

A sinkhole closed a street in Bowling Green.

                                                            [courtesy Park City Daily News]


Pick-up line of the week:
"If you weren't married, I'd be hittin' on you from every direction."
                                                                                                              – a certain visitor to a
                                                                                                                 certain staff member
                                                                                                                 of Tabloid Headlines


Quotation of the weak (give a numbnock a "Twitter" account, and he'll "tweet"):
"Let's be honest, 70 per cent of the teams in the National Basketball Association could
 fold tomorrow and nobody would notice a difference except  for  a  possible  increase
 in street crime."
                                – Minnesota State Rep. Pat Garofalo (R-Framington) – he did hold the
                                   
"tweet" to 140 characters:   He abbreviated "per cent" ("%"), "National
                                   
Basketball Association" ("NBA"), "and" ("+") and "except for a possi-
                                   
ble" ("w/possible exception of"), and he spelled "street crime" as one word

Pick-up lines of the Wheat:
"Those must be 'space pants' you're wearing – because your ass is out
 of this world
."
                                                                                       – Leonard Simon

Birthdays:
Nancy Wilson, 60 (no, not that Nancy Wilson; this Nancy Wilson)
Darryl Strawberry, 62
James Taylor, 66
Mitt Romney, 67
Liza Minelli, 68
Carlos Ray ("Chuck") Norris, 74

"Rockers":
Bix Beiderbecke (1903-1931)

Borf
's weekly BONUS:
Satoshi Nakamoto,  long believed to be a pseudonym for
the inventor of the Bitcoin, was found to b a 64-year-old
Californian named Satoshi Nakamoto. . . . The U.S. Sen-
ate Intelligence Committee  was investigating the Central
Intelligence Agency's surveillance  of  the  Senate  Intelli-
gence  Committee.  .  .  .  A day after Massachusetts' Su-
preme Court ruled that "upskirt" photos  were  legal,  the
state legislature outlawed them. . . . Both  the  pilot  of  a
small  airplane  and  a  skydiver  survived a collision that
threw both to the ground near Tampa, Florida. . . .
A wo-
man gave birth to a healthy son while she,  her lover and
her two daughters were in the hospital in Tampa over ea-
ting steak laced with LSD,  purchased  at Wal-Mart. . . .
A 2-year-old girl was suspended from day care  in  Otta-
wa,  Ontario,  for sneaking in  a  cheese  sandwich.  .  .  .
News reports  of allegations of  "sexual  activity"  among
four  kindergartners  at a school in Georgia  did  not  say
whether they were suspected of "doing it"  or just  "play-
ing doctor." .  .  .  A bird carried a lit cigarette to its roof-
top nest in South London and set the building on fire. . . .
A couple in Portland,  Oregon,  locked themselves,  their
baby and their dog inside their bedroom and called police
after their 22-pound pet cat attacked the baby (they kept
the cat and are taking it to an anger management veterina-
rian). . . . The ex-cop who shot the texter in a movie thea-
ter in Dade City, Florida,  also was texting, it was learned
(but, apparently, before the previews began).

                                        [courtesy Harper's Weekly,
AP]

Editorial:
Putting one little word after another, and if that Malaysian
Airlines  777  was  hijacked,  why hasn't it  landed  some-
where?  Have they searched the airport in Grayson Coun-
ty?

The sports:
Names in the Kentucky high school Sweet 16: Lakyn Mullins, Laken Grey, Laken's twin sister Essence
Names in the Kentucky high school Sweet 16: Lakyn Mullins, Laken Grey, Laken's twin sister Essence

Haley-Sue Foutch, Shelby Gransberry, DeAsia Outlaw (photos 1, 2 & 5 by Alex Slitz, Park City Daily News, 3, 4 & 6 by Kevin Goldy, Ashland Independent) (sorry, no photos available of Alyvia Walker)
Haley-Sue Foutch, Shelby Gransberry, DeAsia Outlaw (photos 1, 2 & 5 by Alex Slitz, Park City Daily News, 3, 4 & 6 by Kevin Goldy, Ashland Independent) (sorry, no photos available of Alyvia Walker)
Wait! Here are a couple . . . Bree Gover, Alyvia, Emily Alexander; Alyvia, Savannah Honaker (photos by Tim Webb, Alex Slitz, Daily News)
Wait! Here are a couple . . . Bree Gover, Alyvia, Emily Alexander; Alyvia, Savannah Honaker (photos by Tim Webb, Alex Slitz, Daily News)

Sophia Hoffman (center) lost the Jackson County Spelling Bee in Kansas City, Missouri, after going 47 rounds over two weeks with another cofinalist (she tripped on "stifling," and she gets the bad news from the chief judge, whose name is Kaite [sic] Stover.
Sophia Hoffman (center) lost the Jackson County Spelling Bee in Kansas City, Missouri, after going 47 rounds over two weeks with another cofinalist (she tripped on "stifling," and she gets the bad news from the chief judge, whose name is Kaite [sic] Stover.

Dear Eleanor:
My parents, both from West Virginia, met in college and set-
tled in New York.  We spent our childhood summers on our
grandparents' farms,  and I couldn't wait to go back – but  I
now work as a special education teacher and live in a small
village in the Blue Ridge Mountains.

Every  summer  my  sisters  and I get together in New York.
Last summer, we met at the home of the sister who married
into wealth.  Although I had ignored her occasional criticism
of my hair, makeup, clothes and shoes for decades,  this sum-
mer was difficult.  Late one evening she began a long satirical
monologue about how cheap and ugly my shoes were. A few
others chimed in,  but I don't hold it against them.  They were
doing it to avoid being her next target.  They live near her and
have to endure her ostentatious behavior often.

I couldn't wait to leave.  I value family, especially now that we
are older  and two of my siblings have passed away.   But I am
beginning  to  wonder.  By the time I leave these gatherings,  I
feel disrespected and diminished.  I have close friends in West
Virginia who love and value me.  Should  I  bow  out  of these
summer reunions and limit my exposure to Christmas only?

                                                        Thank God I'm a Country Girl
Dear CG:
                    You don't get abused by your sisters at Christmas?
                    Here's what to do:  Invite  the  gang  to your home
                    this summer.  When SisAbuse can't make it up the
                    hill  to  your  house  in  her high heels and Lincoln
                    Town  Car,  tell  her,  "Get a Jeep,  Honey – and a
                    pair of clodhoppers."  Here's a song by  Dick  and
                    Ann Albin, "Walk on the Path," that may give you
                    a little inspiration.

                    Now that you have found your way back to your
                    roots, maybe you oughta just stay there.


This week's movie:  New things to avoid.
Ally commercial hair


Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Iesha Masuen"
        and "Hollis Yoder."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
 Aarti Shahani.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



March 9, 2014:     Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket  –  this week's headlines:



Royals going broke! Charles & Camilla: $350 million divorce, Willaim & Kate: Pinching pennies, Prince Harry: Partying away fortune (Globe); What Hillary's hiding (Enquirer)
Royals going broke! Charles & Camilla: $350 million divorce, Willaim & Kate: Pinching pennies, Prince Harry: Partying away fortune (Globe); What Hillary's hiding (Enquirer)


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Publius Leget wrote Sun 3/2/14 @11:15 CST:
Hey.  You dopes.  It's March 2.  Not "February 30."  Never
was, never will be a "February 30."
Relax,  pal.  Call it March 2 if you like;  we were just having a little
fun – commenting on the length of the severe winter we've had.  Or
call it art.

And there was a February 30, in Sweden and the Soviet Union. Did
you know that?

And George Washington was born on February 11, not February 22
– did you know that?  – Editor


Bruce Mitchell wrote Weds 3/5/14 @17:24 PST:
What multimillion-dollar home in a posh,  secure  walled
compound in South Africa has such paper-thin walls that
a crying  Oscar  Pistorius  or his screaming victim can be
heard by neighbors more than a football field away? Can
the developer be sued?

Dumb news from Indiana
:
A 17-month-old girl died in a playpen in a fire at a day care center in
Sullivan (counseling was provided for the firefighters). . . .

The Warrick County Election Board reported 3,791 votes uncounted
in its 2012 election. . . .

The Indiana Downs horse racing track in Shelbyville and its Indiana
Grand Casino changed their names to a  combined  Indiana  Grand
Racing & Casino
. . . .

The state Department of Health issued a press release warning peo-
ple not to eat Skittles after two persons became ill in Richmond, then
a day later reported that Skittles were OK. . . .

Update:  Purdue caved.
                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

A sign at the entrance to the Mounds Mall asking patrons to lower their hoodies has generated some controversy in Anderson (NBC TV, Herald-Bulletin)
A sign at the entrance to the Mounds Mall asking patrons to lower their hoodies has generated some controversy in Anderson (NBC TV, Herald-Bulletin)

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Kentucky was ranked the "second most miserable state to live in" for
the fifth year in a row in a Gallup poll (North Dakota was best; West
Virginia remained last).

               [courtesy Central Kentucky News-Journal, Campbellsville]

Muhlenberg County added 27 minutes to each of its remaining school
days
to make up for 14 snow-outs  (there've  been  18  in  Edmonson
County).
                                                    [courtesy Central City Leader-News]

Governor Stevie said he would appeal a federal judge's decision re-
quiring Kentucky to recognize  gay  marriages  sanctioned  in other
states,  a  decision  Attorney General Jack Conway declined to ap-
peal.   Beshear (the Governor),  an  attorney  himself  and a former
Kentucky  Attorney  General,  said he would hire  private  lawyers
at $125 an  hour to pursue the appeal.  He did not say whom,  and
he did not say where he  would  find  lawyers who would work for
the state for $125 an hour. . . .

A bill was filed in the state Senate that would allow  Rand  Paul  to
run for President and re-election to the United States Senate simul-
taneously in 2016.
Lexington's most wanted: Darlinea Hobbs, WF, 51, 5'1", 141 lbs
Lexington's most wanted: Darlinea Hobbs, WF, 51, 5'1", 141 lbs
                                                             [courtesy Herald-Leader]
 

 Kentucky map highlighting Sand Cave, Georgetown, and Johnson County
A filmmaker from Georgetown (in the Bluegrass, central Kentucky)
was combing  Johnson County  (in the Appalachians,  eastern Ken-
tucky)  for a good cave from which to make a movie  about  Floyd
Collins,  whose famous death in Sand Cave,  in Barren County  (in
Mammoth Cave country,  southern Kentucky)  became an early ra-
dio spectacle in 1925.
                                                            [courtesy Paintsville Herald]
Kentucky map highlighting Sand Cave, Georgetown, and Johnson County

Celebrity lookalikes: Flora Stuart, Attorney at Law, Bowling Green, Ky.; Shaida Kuchenbrod, hula dancer, Mystic Hips Belly Dance, Louisville
Celebrity lookalikes: Flora Stuart, Attorney at Law, Bowling Green, Ky.; Shaida Kuchenbrod, hula dancer, Mystic Hips Belly Dance, Louisville
Here's a gallery of previous lookalikes in Tabloid Headlines:

Quotations of the week:
"Ninety-nine per cent of the all of the white people in here are going to raise their hand that they
 are against abortion.   On the other hand,  99 percent of the whites who are sitting in here now,
 if their daughter got pregnant by a black man, they are going to make their daughter have an a-
 bortion.  They ain't going to let her have the baby."
                                                                                        Alvin Holmes (B-Montgomery), on
                                                                                           the floor
of the Alabama House of
                                                                                           Representatives, in
debate on a bill,
                                                                                           passed 73-29, that would pro
hibit abor-
                                                                                           tion after
detection of a fetal heartbeat

"The robot lobby hits with tweets."
                                                              
Recep Tayyip Erdogan, prime minister of Turkey

Quotations of the weak (give a ditz a microphone, and she'll speak into it):
"Michael Sam said, 'I don't want to be known as a gay football player.'  I know
 exactly what he’s saying."                                                                                        – Paula Deen

"Highs today in the upper 40's . . . ."

                                                                – WKYU-FM weather girl, Bowling Green, Ky.
                                                                   (51 was shown on the thermometer as she
                                                                   spoke – all she had to do was look out the
                                                                   window – or maybe she needs a weather rock)

Quotations of the Wheat:
"Look out for No. 1 – and don't step in No. 2."
                                                                                      – Leonard Simon

"There's an app for that!"
                                                You can insert yourself into the famous "selfie" taken by actor Bradley Cooper under Ellen DeGeneres' direction at the Oscars, including Ellen, Jennifer Lawrence, Meryl Tweet Streep, Julia Roberts, Lupita Nyong'o, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Jared Leto, Kevin Spacey and others "tweeted" and "retweeted" to nearly three million "followers" and "refollowers." That black guy in the right foreground, by the way – unidentified in most major media reproductions of the "selfie" – is Junior Nyong'o, Lupita's younger brother (she's right behind him, in the background). Tabloid Headlines' publisher and staff have been inserted in the foreground of the image above (the Editor was too proud).
You can insert yourself into the famous "selfie" taken by actor Bradley Cooper under Ellen DeGeneres' direction at the Oscars, including Ellen, Jennifer Lawrence, Meryl Tweet Streep, Julia Roberts, Lupita Nyong'o, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Jared Leto, Kevin Spacey and others "tweeted" and "retweeted" to nearly three million "followers" and "refollowers." That black guy in the right foreground, by the way – unidentified in most major media reproductions of the "selfie" – is Junior Nyong'o, Lupita's younger brother (she's right behind him, in the background). Tabloid Headlines' publisher and staff have been inserted in the foreground of the image above (the Editor was too proud).


Birthdays:
Bobbi Kristina Brown, 21
Chaz Bono, 45
Janet Guthrie, 76
Willard Scott, 80
Anthony Armstrong-Jones, Lord Snowdon, 84

Cyrano de Bergerac,  "famous nose,  playwright"  (1619-1655)

        [Although  Cyrano de Bergerac was a bit of  a  playwright,
         he was more famous as a play, by the playwright Edmund
         Rostand,  written  in  1897;  and his nose was much more
         prominent in the play than it was in real life.]

John of God (1495-1550)


Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A 43-year-old man who called the Sheriff's office 2,927
times
in 18 months in Tampa, Florida, to complain about
being harassed by dispatchers and deputies  pleaded  no
contest to harassment. . . .The Crimean government was
debating moving clocks to Moscow time  (2  hours  later
than the present local time, based on Kiev's; but Crimea
is midway between Kiev and Moscow in longitude). . . .
The Uganda tabloid Red Pepper published names of the
country's "200 top homos." . . . Pope Jorge unintention-
ally said "fuck" in Italian.  . . .  A 60-year-old man in his
garage in Orlando, Florida, showing a man how to clean
his .380 handgun,  accidentally discharged it,  striking  a
neighbor  girl,  12,  in the arm  as she rode in the passing
family car, then accidentally shot himself in the thigh.  . . .
A judge in Pensacola,  Florida,  denied  the  "stand  your
ground
" defense pleaded by a man accused of shooting a
policeman.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly,
Huffington Post, Raw Story]

The sports (a Tabloid Headlines editorial):
As South Africa gets into the trial of its Olympic "blade runner,"
Oscar  Pistorius,  we are again confronted with the irony of  his
defense  –  that he shot his supermodel girl friend  thinking  she
was  a  burglar  who  had broken into his home to use the bath-
room (he shot four times through the door, he said, without see-
ing his victim).  This is far beyond "The dog ate my homework."
In the first place, how many of us have experienced such a bur-
glary?  And,  in the second,  if such a break-in  should  occur,
who would be more likely than an acquaintance – say, a lover,
yet – to break into your home to use the bathroom?

Oh, they lived together, you say,  and he thought she was lying
in the bed at the time.  But she wasn't, was she?

Dear Eleanor:
I have an amazing dad.  He coaches my  lacrosse  team
and is always up for a game in the yard. But I am grow-
ing nervous about his health.

Dad eats fast food every day at work  and comes home
to enjoy a home-cooked meal  topped with a large dose
of salt.  He then sits in front of the TV with a huge bowl
of buttered popcorn and a beer.

He's tall,  and weight does not show on him as it does on
someone else.  But I happen to know that his cholesterol
level is horrible.  I want my dad to be healthy, but I don't
want him to think he's  being  bossed  by  his 12-year-old
daughter.  Any ideas?
                                                      Ignored in Louisville
Dear Iggylou:
                            He's not being bossed by the likes of you, you
                            little brat; and he knows it.  Bitch up and treat
                            your dad like a man.


How to handle your boss:
                                            Snickers commercial
Snickers commercial


Unopened e-mail last week included
a message from "spam"
        titled "And only then."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Eve Troeh.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:


    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines – or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



February 30, 2014:    Things you would never know if you did
not browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket  –  this week's headlines:



Ellen's $40 million mansion HAUNTED; How Shirley Temple rescued daughter from heroin HELL (Enquirer)
Ellen's $40 million mansion HAUNTED; How Shirley Temple rescued daughter from heroin HELL (Enquirer)


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Stephen Yates wrote Sun 2/23/14 @06:44 CST:
Are you sure Shaida Kuchen-broad (intentional misspelling)
does not represent Mystic Hips Beer-belly Dance?

Jeanie Ruckle wrote Sun 2/23/14 @08:33 EST:
What kind of greens were those in the photos of the back of
the car in last week's issue?
Let's just say the photos were taken in Colorado.  But it might be Ken-
tucky in the near future,  where a "medical marijuana" bill  just cleared
committee
in the House of Representatives.  That vehicle was an ambu-
lance, right?  It was white.  – Editor


Publius Leget wrote Sun 2/23/14 @11:15 CST:
Who is Mar ni Nixon?
You  know.  When  we  did not put a space between the r and the n,
our regular font (and almost all fonts) made it look like "Mami" Nix-
on.  Then we would have got a ton of e-mail asking "Who is Mamie
Nixon?"  (as if Tricky Dick had had something to do with Ike's First
Lady).  So we inserted a space between the r and the n and reduced
the space as much as we could.

You've heard of the legendary Amie's Army of pro golf, right?

One might think, now in the middle of the second decade of the 21st
century (and more than half a millennium after Gutenberg),  that the
r+n = m collision might no longer be a problem – but  remember,  as
we "progress,"  there are no standards.    – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana
:

A couple who made a $12,500 donation to Purdue University has
threatened to sue if the words  "to better the world through the un-
derstanding of God's physical laws"  are  not  engraved on a com-
memorative plaque in a School of Mechanical Engineering confer-
ence room. . . .
A 9-year-old girl and her 6-year-old brother  were  hit  by  a  school
bus
they were running to catch when they ran in front of it as it was
taking off from a stop in Taylorsville. . . .

Twelve vehicles piled up on a county road north of Nappannee. . . .

Hendricks County will hold a "Mayberry in the Midwest" festival in
Danville in May. . . .

More than a  thousand  hogs  died in a fire that swept three barns in
Carroll County (a fourth barn, which was unpigulated, did not catch
fire). . . .

A federal appeals court ruled that Greensburg schools could not en-
force a regulation  requiring  boys  on the basketball teams  to have
hair cut above the ears  (sorry,  no photos – the son of the plaintiffs,
identified only as "A. H.", age 14,  in court documents,  is said
now
to be 17 and playing for a high school in Ossian, near Fort Wayne). . . .

A car being chased by police for false license plates hit a pedestrian
in South Bend, breaking his leg.

                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

A policeman rushing to a bank that reported a robbery  crashed into
a passenger car at an intersection in Jeffersonville, hospitalizing both
the policeman and the woman driving the other car.

                                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A new kind of sinkhole was reported in Mammoth Cave National Park:
A horse-and-rider trail was closed  after riders reported horses' sinking
up to their bellies in a "mud-mire hole."

                                 [courtesy Edmonson News, Park City Daily News]
 
      Melissa Weaver directs the Oldham County Singers
Melissa Weaver directs the Oldham County Singers

Quotations of the week
:
"It's like we entered Berlin and seized the Reichstag."

                        –
Oleksiy Tiunov, one of thousands of Ukrainians storming president Viktor Yan-
                           ukovych's 345-acre compound on the Dnieper including golf course and zoo


"You look old."
                            – Kang Neung-hwan, 93, of South Korea, to his son,
                               Kang Jong-kuk, 64, of North Korea,  at a reunion

Quotation of the weak (give a ditz a microphone, and she'll speak into it):
". . . high in the mid tupper 40's."
                                                              – WKYU-FM weather girl, Bowling Green, Ky.

Quotations of the Wheat:
"You can't count on but three things:  A '69 Z-28, a good crack whore,
 and the quotations of the Wheat."

                                                                              – Leonard Simon

Birthdays:
Justin Bieber, 20
Louise Woodward, 36
Kurt Rambis, 56
Opie, 60
Joannie Sommers, 73
Ralph Nader, 80
Fats Domino, 86
Harry Belafonte, 87
Ralph Stanley, 87

Correction of an entry in last week's issue:
The life span of Saint Jadwiga, Queen of Poland,
was  1374-1399   (not  1379,  as  typoed).   And
Wikipedia reports that while she may have been
born  on February 18, 1374,  as reported by our
source, the Famous Birthdays web site, her date
of birth is uncertain,  in a range from  October 3,
1373,  to February 18, 1374.

Borf
's weekly BONUS:
Muslim clerics in the United Arab Emirates issued a fatwa
prohibiting one-way travel  to  Mars. .  .  .  Seven women
demonstrating against a ban  of  lacy  underwear  were ar-
rested in Kazakhstan. . . .
A 40-year-old woman sitting in
a shopping cart in a store parking lot in Boca Raton, Flor-
ida,  called 911 three times when a store employee asked
her to give the cart up – the third time with a cop standing
right next to her (yeah, she finally got a ticket – and failed
to appear in court). . . . A large plastic bag full of marijua-
na was found in clothing donated to the Salvation Army in
Sugarcreek, Pennsylvania. . . .
A Connecticut man was ar-
rested for having sex with a cow in New York as a buddy
videoed the event.  The friend left the scene as a TV crew
arrived but was arrested later;  and the cow also fled, and
got killed when struck by three cars on a passing road (dri-
vers of two of the cars were injured and taken to hospital).
.  .  .  A man arrested for DUI in West Hartford, Connecti-
cut, blamed his GPS for going up the off-ramp to I-84.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly,
Huffington Post, Raw Story]

The sports:
Dale Earnhardt Jr. finally joined Twitter, as he promised,
after winning NASCAR's Daytona 500  (he already had
230,000 "followers" waiting – but in the meantime Dan-
ica Patrick  became the first NASCAR driver with more
than 1,000,000 followers).


  Most wanted by the FBI: I Gusti Agung Bimantaraputra, b. July 21, 2005 (FBI poster)
Most wanted by the FBI: I Gusti Agung Bimantaraputra, b. July 21, 2005 (FBI poster)

Uh . . . er . . . putting one little word after another, and,
this kid is wanted for kidnapping his daddy?

Fitness program:
                              (dance break)
dance break


Dear Eleanor:

My girl friend  of  two  years  has just asked whether we
should move in together.   I am currently living  with  my
parents;  so we would be living at her place.

I don't want her to think I don't like her;  but,  at the age
of 27, I still wet the bed. Whenever I am at her place,  I
never let myself fall asleep  for  fear  of  soiling her mat-
tress and our relationship both. I always find a reason to
leave before morning. How do I broach this subject with
her?
                                                                        –  Bedwetter

Dear Ledbetter:
                                 OK, let's see if I've got this right:  She is 2
                                 years old, but you're 27 and still living "at
                                 home" with your parents?

                                 Here's my advice:  Get fitted for a diaper.


Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Osvald Bublitz"
        and "Gabrielle Goldstein."


DISCUSSION GROUP:


      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future  include
  Cecile  McLorin
Salvant.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor