Blenster wrote Sun 6/22/14 @23:39 EDT in comment on the Uni-
sys "stealth solution" slogan "You can't hack what you can't see":

"Stealth" is probably not being used accurately in that sense;
they are talking about double-encrypted data streams  which
are hard to read but not hidden.   One can go "stealthish" by
turning off extra services  and network sockets  (which  any
good admin will do)  and you can remap popular services to
different ports. . . .  But  even  going  "stealth"  often isn't e-
nough to stop a determined hacker . . . .

For what it's worth, the hardware can be very secure; it's u-
sually the people who are vulnerable.   They click a link in
an e-mail,  they download an EXE file and run it,  they an-
swer the phone  and  try to be helpful  to the person on the
other end who says they are the "County Password Inspec-
tor"  or some sales guy  who needs to demo to a client  and
"can't get the VPN working," whatever. Simply showing up
with a hard hat, a measuring device and a clipboard has got-
ten people into locked server cages alone  to  do  whatever
they like . . . .
                     [click here for the full text of Blenster's letter]

A  $5,000  reward was offered for the arrest and conviction of the
murderer of a whooping crane on the White River in Greene Coun-
ty.
                                                                        [courtesy WISH-TV]

An Indianapolis high school chemistry teacher was arrested  for sug-
gesting to a student to repeat an experiment the student had seen on
You-Tube, pouring alcohol on her hand and lighting it.

                                                                [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

While 186 homosexual couples were wed in Indianapolis the day a
federal  judge  held the state's homosexual marriage ban unconstitu-
tional,  the Daviess County Clerk,  in Washington, Indiana,  refused
to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples on the  basis  of  her
own religious belief. . . .

State excise police arrested 21 persons,  including  14 minors,  at  a
tractor and truck pull fund-raiser for the Grassy Fork Volunteer Fire
Department in Jackson County,  for  illegal  consumption  of alcohol
and tobacco.
                                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Shawntalia Perry, 5'9", 180 lbs, fraud (x2); Annette Jackson, 5'9", 180 lbs, Escape

                                                                         [courtesy Michiana Crime Stoppers]

Most wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Kortnee Gross-Payton, WF, Larceny in a building, unauthorized use of credit cards; Rashonda Trinette Daughtery, WF, Unauthorized use of a motor vehicle; Stacey Lynn Napier, WF, Medicaid fraud; Seantel Sanders, BF, Larceny of a financial transaction device

Lap-sitting and twerking are prohibited in a revised code of conduct for
Fayette County schools (Lexington). . . .

A patient hijacked an ambulance in Franklin County. . . .

Lexington's most wanted: Maria Rico-Deleon, HF, 31, 5'3", 135 lbs; Chestina Coffey, BF, 43, 5'5", 103 lbs

                                                    [courtesy Herald-Leader]

"We should have some quality time with this guy."
                                                                                – Senator Lindsey Graham,  re Ahmed Abu
                                                                                   Khattala, arrested as the Benghazi ringleader

"I'd bring him to Guantánamo."
                                                        – Senator John McCain

"Oh, my God!"
                            – Senator Patrick Leahy

"Hee hee, that tickles."
                                             – Russell the giant robot giraffe as President Obama stroked his chin

"The United States was founded on the Biblical principle of one man and one woman
 in marriage."
                          – Sherri Healey, Daviess County (Indiana) Clerk

Quotations of the Wheat: "You know what that white stuff on chicken shit is?  It's  chicken shit."                                    – Leonard Simon

We were criticized by one of our readers recently for hyphen-
ating "maker"  (at the end of a line)  between the "a" and the
"k" ("ma-ker") instead of between the "k" and the "e" ("mak-
er") as the dictionaries do it.   We submit that the dictionaries
are wrong here. The dictionary hyphenation would render the
pronunciation of the first syllable "mack" rather than "may."

Cf. the word  "paper."  The dictionaries hyphenate the noun
"pa-per."   Most  of  the  more than a dozen dictionaries we
checked do not list a separate spelling of  the  verb  "paper"
(meaning "to adorn a wall," etc.),  and, thus, no separate di-
rection for hyphenation of the verb; but the American Heri-
tage and Merriam-Webster dictionaries do, hyphenating the
verb also between the "a" and the "p."  Sauce for the goose
("pa-per"),  slop for the gander ("mak-er")?

Perhaps even more instructive is the word "taper."  The  verb
("to become smaller at one end") and its derivative noun (for
"candle")  are hyphenated "ta-per"  in the dictionaries,  as  is
the noun "ta-pir"; but the verbal noun "taper" (meaning "one
who splices or records") is hyphenated "tap-er" in the diction-
aries.  Why  the  difference?  Same  pronunciation,  verb and
both nouns.

The dictionaries make the same mistake with "bak-er,"  "rak-
er" and "tak-er" they make with "mak-er" and "tap-er" – not
to mention "Bak-ers-field" (but they get it right on "Sir Fran-
cis Ba-con").  Yes,  Susan,  dictionaries can be wrong.  Let's
make it "ba-ker," "ma-ker," "pa-per," "ra-ker," "ta-ker," "ta-
per" and "ta-pir," in all instances.

"Yo" greets friends in zero characters.

Kellie Pickler, 28
Khloe Kardashian, 30
Derek Jeter, 40
Juli Inkster, 54
Patty Smyth (no, not Patti Smith), 57
Eva ("Little Eva") Boyd (1943-2003)
Stuart Sutcliffe (1940-1962)
H. Ross Perot, 84

Jerome Solon Felder ("Doc Pomus," 1925-1991)

Arrested in Lubbock, Texas: Victor Rajjaunh Harvey, 33, domestic violence, intentional injury to child, resisting arrest (Lubbock County Detention Center photo)

The CIA was reported to have worked since 2005 on an
Osama bin Laden action figure for Pakistani children that
would dissolve into a devil. . . . A crowd-surfer was ejec-
ted, by the crowd, from a concert in Bristol, England. . . .
An American student got stuck in a giant vagina sculpture
in Tübingen, Germany. . . . The U.S. Court of Appeals in
Chicago ruled that the copyright has expired on Sherlock
Holmes and Dr. Watson. . . .An unruly monk hotline was
introduced in Thailand. .  .  . An Albuquerque, New Mex-
ico, man saw an image of Jesus holding a baby lamb on a
Fuji apple, but you won't (unless you really believe). . . .
 ISIS / ISIL was suffering an identity crisis as it took over
western and northern Iraq. . . . A burglar in St. Paul, Min-
nesota,  checked his Clutterbook  Facebook account  on
his victim's computer while in the home and  neglected  to
log off (he was caught). . . . Northwestern  University,  in
Evanston, Illinois,  issued 30 diplomas to graduates of the
"Medill School of Journalism, Media, Itegrated [sic] Mar-
keting Communications." . . .  A bicyclist in Ottawa,  On-
tario, Canada, suffered a concussion and a broken cheek
bone in an attack by a goose. .  .  . In a low-speed chase
in Cheboygan, Michigan, a shirtless tractor driver hit a po-
lice car on his third try. . . .Three carjackers failed in their
mission in Seattle, Washington, when they found that their
loot was a  stick-shift,  which none of them knew how to
drive. . . .A 12-year-old boy took a school bus for a 14-
mile joy ride in Panama City Beach, Florida.  . . .  A wo-
man climbed a barrier at the zoo in Memphis, Tennessee,
clawed her way through thorn bushes, and sang to the li-
ons as she offered them  cookies  through a fence of pia-
no wire (the lions, spooked, backed off).  . . .  A former
Chick-fil-A employe held up a KFC in Rock Hill, South
Carolina.
                    [courtesy Harper's, Snopes, NBC.com, AP]

My husband calls me the "Throwaway Queen." I have gotten into
hot water for not asking before I trashed something.  Now I think
I've made a huge mistake.

My husband is now far into dementia. We are thinking of moving;
so I started cleaning out storage bins.   I threw away two items of
my husband's that had been in those bins for years. Last week his
son came over to help and asked for the items I tossed.  They ap-
parently were of sentimental value to him.

I acted as if I hadn't a clue what he was talking about, but I feel guilty.
This is a burden on my conscience.  I don't want to lie to him, but I'm
afraid to confess. What should I do?
                                                                        – California Stepmother

Correction:  Hope Solo was arrested in Kirkland, Washington,  not in Des Moines, Iowa,  as
   we reported last week.  She was jailed in Des Moines, Washington,  where she was book-
   ed as "Hope Amelia Stevens"  (married name).  She is the goalkeeper for the Seattle Reign
   of the  National  Women's  Soccer  League.  She did not join the U.S. women's team until a
   year after its World Cup victory in 1999, in which Mia Hamm starred and Brandi Chastain
   ripped off her shirt in celebration.  


Another Tabloid Headlines poll:

So let us,  the readers of Tabloid Headlines,  come
up with a new name for the Washington Redskins!

__ Native Americans
__ Americans
__ Senators
__ Representatives
__ Congressmen
__ Presidents
__ Politicians
__ Lobbyists
__ Think Tanks
__ Brinks Banks
__ Hunks
__ Hunkies
__ Honkies
__ Niggers
__ other (write one in!)

Len wrote Sun 6/15/14 @10:36 EDT in response
to last week's "I don't give a [bleep]" survey:

All the above – George Clooney deserves credit
simply for using "whom" correctly.

Actually, he doesn't.  We edited his copy.  He said, "Who
does it hurt . . . ?" according to the National Examiner.

                                                                                  – Editor

Remember, children, "who" for subjects,  "whom" for ob-
jects.  Parsed, the statement is "It hurts whom" – "whom"
is the object of the verb "hurt."  Same deal with "I"  (sub-
jective")  and "me"  (objective).  Thus the statement  "It's
me" and the phrase "for you and I" (a lyric found in many
popular songs)  are wrong  ("It is I" and "for you and me"
are the proper forms).  Likewise,  "Woe is me"  is  incor-
rect.  It should be Woe Is I  (actually, "Woe am I").

"For you and I" is not even necessary to the rhyme scheme
in most of those songs. The one that keeps running through
the back of our mind is the Doors' "Touch Me," which con-
cludes:
                " . . . I'm gonna love you
                 Till the stars fall from the sky
                 For you and I!"

It could as easily have been  " . . . Till the heavens part the
sea, For you and me!"  (the preceding lines are "I'm gonna
love you, Till the heavens stop the rain . . . ").

Lady Gag-a has better excuses in "You and I" (rhymes with
"guy": " . . . Something, baby, about you and I,"  and  " . . .
I'd rather die,  Without you and I").   But we'll bet you can
correct that too, Len – you've got to be a better songwriter
than Lady Gag-a.

The top vote-getter in our "I don't give a [bleep]" poll,  by
the way,  was "I don't give a fucking shit"  ("rat's ass" and
"Johnson rod" tied for second).

The Spanish-Australian conglomerate the Indiana Toll Road was leased
to eight years ago was in financial trouble. . . .

A federal judge upheld a state law prohibiting cold beer sales in grocery
and convenience stores. . . .

A woman sticking her head out a car window to vomit in Osceola was
struck on the head by something and killed (of all the ways there are to
die, that's one of them).
                                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Geese settled in retaining ponds have fowled fouled Clarksville's town
hall grounds with their poop.
                                                [courtesy Jeffersonville News & Tribune]

   

South Bend's most wanted: Brianna Tinzley, BF, theft; Vira Carter, BF, 5'4", 160 lbs, hair black, eyes brown, welfare fraud (x2) (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Most wanted in Niles, Michigan.: Tanita Rochell Crockett, BF, assault with a dangerous weapon; Jessica Lynn Smith-Johnson, larceny by conversion (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

A Lexington middle school teacher not only lost his job and got a prison
term for sexual abuse of four boys,  but also was stripped of his  Zumba
instructor's license. . . .

Lexington's most wanted: Amber Thomas, WF, 23, 5'2", 130 lbs; Karen Meade, WF, 41, 5'1", 104 lbs

                                                                             [courtesy Herald-Leader]

   

Alice-in-Wonderland's Groin Alison Lundergan Grimes gets grimy in underground coal mine in Floyd County (Senate campaign photo)

"Even limited attempts to legalize recreational drugs are not only highly questionable from a
 legislative standpoint, but they fail to produce the desired effects."
                                                                                                                – Pope Jorge  (sorta begs
                                                                                                                   the question, doesn't it?)

"Actually, yeah."
                                  – Reid Sagehorn, 18, on Twaddle Twitter, when asked whether he had
                                     ever  "made out"  with a certain 28-year-old teacher at the Rogers,
                                     Minnesota, High School  – it got him  suspended   for  seven  weeks
                                     (sorry,  no pittures of the hottie in question;  but there's a gallery,  at
                                     the link, of 41 teachers in trouble for sexual favors given to students)

"Come early and get a back pew."
                                                             – Brownsville (Ky.) Missionary Baptist Church mobile sign

"You can't hack what you can't see."
                                                                 – Unisys "stealth solution" slogan  – how dumb is that?
                                                                    We would like our tech-savvy readers to weigh in on
                                                                    this question:  Ben, Len, Gerry, Tony,  Lance,  Jonath-
                                                                    an, that means you.

                                                                    And here is another challenge: Can you hack Tabloid
                                                                    Headlines' "Roots and grafts" column? You can see it
                                                                    once it's published, of course; but can you hack it be-
                                                                    fore it's published?

                                                                    Try it both ways:  Throw an obvious grammatical or
                                                                    etymological error into a "Roots and grafts" column
                                                                    already published,  and  get  100  free subscriptions
                                                                    (transferable) to Tabloid Headlines.  Throw one into
                                                                    a column before it's published,  and  get  1,000  free
                                                                    subscriptions (transferable).

                                                                    Caveat:  You'll have to know what is grammatically
                                                                    and etymologically right and what is wrong.  If  you
                                                                    hack in something right thinking it's wrong, you will
                                                                    not get the prize.
                                                            

Quotations of the Wheat: "I almost got some last night:  I asked this girl, and she   said no."                                                             – Leonard Simon

Your editor took two excursions from his office  last  Monday –
one in his car, one in his truck.  He was accompanied by a wasp
("wasper," in the local vernacular)  in the cab in both instances.
The wasp seemed to want out, in both instances; so your editor
rolled the windows down,  on both sides of the cab,  in both in-
stances,  and left them down, in transit and parked.  The wasps
stayed with him, in both instances,  threatening him  (he found
himself wishing he would  be  stung  so that he would have law
of justification to shoot them).   Question:  Are  dumb  animals
required to be stupid?

Salman Rushdie, 67
Aung San Suu Kyi, 69
Sandy Posey, 70
Elaine ("Spanky") McFarlane, 72
Kris Kristofferson, 78
Jean-Marie le Pen, 86
Geronimo (1829-1909)

                           

A 3-year-old girl whose face was scarred by a pit bull was
kicked out of a KFC in Jackson, Mississippi,  because her
appearance might alarm other customers.  .  .  .  Bashar al-
Assad pardoned 1,500 prisoners,  including one  who  had
served 21 years  for defeating Assad's brother  in  a  horse
race.  . . . Software designed by Russian and Ukrainian en-
gineers convinced 33 per cent of its keyboard interrogators
that it was a 13-year-old Ukrainian boy. . . . A 10-year-old
boy graduated from home school in Sacramento, California.
. . . Pope Jorge abandoned the Popemobile. . . . Baby pan-
das at the Chengdu zoo in China  were forbidden to predict
World Cup soccer scores. . . .A foreclosure law firm inWo-
burn, Massachusetts, got an eviction notice for failing to pay
its office rent. .  .  .  A couple cleaning up a basement apart-
ment that had just been vacated on Long Island, New York,
found a 3-foot python in the couch. .  .  .  A priest was shot
to death in Phoenix, Arizona, with a fellow priest's handgun,
which had been wrested from the fellow priest's hands by a
burglar. . . .  A TV reporter reporting on a purse-theft mug-
ging in Oakland,  California,  lost her purse,  which she had
left in the TV truck parked near the police station, to a thief.
. . .  A public park ranger in Chattanooga,  Tennessee,  was
fired after a visitor posted a video of him dancing on the job
on Clutterbook Facebook. . . . A 12-year-old boy hiding in
order to avoid an appointment with the dentist in St. Gervais,
France, told police who found him that he had been kidnap-
ped. . . .  A matchmaker on line was using  face  recognition
software to pair you with people that look like your exes (as
if that's what you wanted?) – and it costs only $5,000.

U.S. soccer hottie Hope Solo was arrested for domestic violence
against her sister and sister's son in Kirkland, Washington. . . .

The gossip web site thedirty.com won its appeal of a defamation
suit by former Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader Sarah Jones. . . .

The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office canceled trademark reg-
istrations for the Washington Redskins. . . .

People seem to have difficulty  unfriending  others  on  Facebook.
I'd like to share with your readers how easy it is to avoid that.

You can limit Facebook friends by making some friends "acquain-
tances." You can elect to share posts with "friends except acquain-
tances."  That way,  not everyone will see what you post,  but  the
people in your network won't know whether they are "friends"  or
"acquaintances,"  and there won't be any hurt feelings.

You also don't have to "unfriend" someone  you aren't that close to.
There are other categories, as well. I have a special list called "fam-
ily."   I think sometimes Facebook users are too quick to add every-
one who asks to their "friend" list.
                                                                    Facebook Extraordinaire

George  Clooney,  when asked about his sexuality,  replied,
"Whom does it hurt if someone thinks I'm gay?  I'll be long
dead, and there will still be people who say I'm gay. I don't
give  a  $%^&"  (censorship by the National Examiner, not
by Tabloid Headlines).  Here's  the  survey: What  do  you
think was the bleeped word or phrase?

__ darn
__ damn
__ diddly damn
__ fuck
__ flying fuck
__ fucking shit
__ shit
__ rat's ass
__ Johnson rod

Fill in the survey twice, please:  Once with what you think
George said, then with the phrase of your preference. You
may use words and phrases not on the list above (write-ins
allowed).  We already have five entries.  All  entrants  will
get free, transferable subscriptions to Tabloid Headlines.

Emory Litella wrote Sun 6/8/14 @09:37 EDT:

I don't get it:   What's all this fuss about caribou
emissions?  I thought that was strictly a Canadi-
an problem.

                                          

A tractor square dance troupe from Rochester was making appearances at
county fairs all over (here's video).
                                                            [courtesy Logansport Pharos-Tribune]

After a low-speed chase across a state line,  an Adams County man was
arrested on his disabled farm tractor in Ohio for eluding police. . . .

The couple who shot three persons to death in Las Vegas,  Nevada,  and
wound up in a murder-suicide were from Lafayette, Indiana. . . .

A 25-year-old Gary woman got 24 years in prison for hiring out her daugh-
ters, aged 3 years and 4 months, for pornography. . . .

Armadillos were sighted as far north as Parke County.

                                                                    [courtesy Columbus Republic]

A grand jury will hear the case of a "raccoon drag" at the Boyle County
Fair in Danville,  in which,  after a coon dog treeing contest,  dogs were
allowed to fight over a raccoon in a horse ring. . . .

  

Lexington's most wanted: Featured fugitive Lashanda Lightfoot, BF, 31, 5'4", 154 lbs, Second degree assault; Brianeeka Day, BF, 26, 5'4", 115 lbs (Herald-Leader)

The Brown-Forman Corporation, of Louisville, whose brands include Early
Times, Old Forester and Woodford Reserve bourbons,  was in a legal battle
with the British liquor conglomerate Diageo PLC over the definition of Ten-
nessee whiskey.   Brown-Forman owns the  Jack  Daniel's  Tennessee "sour
mash" brand, and Diageo owns the competing George Dickel brand. Brown-
Forman produces also Southern Comfort and Canadian Mist  (a liqueur and
a  whisky,  respectively,  that are neither Kentucky bourbon  nor Tennessee
sour mash),  Finlandia vodka,  and Pepe Lopez tequila.  Diageo  owns  also
Johnny Walker and J&B scotches, Bushmills (Irish whiskey), Crown Royal
(a Canadian whisky),  Smirnoff  vodka,  and Guinness stout,  among  other
brands.  George Dickel whiskey is distilled in Tennessee  but  aged  in Ken-
tucky.   And  remember,  Jim Beam Inc.,  which produces perhaps the most
famous Kentucky bourbons, Jim Beam and Maker's Mark, is now a subsid-
iary of a corporation in Japan. . . .

In a budgetary move, the Louisville Courier-Journal laid off its managing edi-
tor  (with 31 years at the paper),  its  metro  editor  (13 years),  its multimedia
manager  (15  years),  the graphic designer,  the data desk manager,  and  two
copy editors  (the executive editor, who announced the layoffs, was hired last
September).
                                                                                                [Courier-Journal]

"Twenty-year-olds make stupid decisions.  I don’t think we’ll say if you make a stupid decision
 we'll leave you in the hands of the Taliban."

                                     – John B. Bellinger, State Department lawyer in the George W. Bush pres-
                                         idency, speaking of the negotiated release of POW Bowe Bergdahl

"Sometimes I get so pissed off at TV I go read."
                                                                                – Barry Wood ("B-Woo")

"We thought that virility looked like five hundred thousand or a million views within the year.
 We thought that was success. We had 120 million views in five days."

                                                  – Jason Russell, founder of Invisible Children, producer of the
                                                     the "Kony 2012" YouTube video that went "viral"   (perhaps
                                                     he meant "virulence":  "Virility" looks like Sylvester Stallone)

"Think of how many lives . . . have been saved . . . .  How many people would these cops have
 killed had they not been killed?”
                                                            – internet radio's Adam Kokesh on the slayings in Las Vegas

Quotations of the Wheat (pick-up lines): "Stop the grinnin' and drop the linen."                                                                 – Leonard Simon

For no apparent reason, the spelling "whisky" refers to
Scotch and Canadian grain spirits,  the spelling  "whis-
key,"  to Irish and American grain spirits.   Thus Black
& White  and Seagram's VO  are  whiskies,  Bushmills
and Bulleitt  (and moonshine)  are  whiskeys  (all Dia-
geo products except for moonshine).

And yes, Henrietta, we realize that the phrase "Ken-
tucky bourbon" is redundant; we were merely trying
to help our less educated readers geographically.

Ashley Olsen, 28
Mary-Kate Olsen, 28
Frank Beard, 65
Gene Wilder, 81
George H. W. Bush, 90
Lester William Polsfuss ("Les Paul," 1915-2009)

                     
Thousands participated in the 11th annual World Naked Bi-
cycle Ride in Portland,  Oregon. . . . Nine sets of twins  and
one set of triplets  are  among the 369 graduating from John
F. Kennedy High School in Plainview, New York. .  .  . The
CIA joined Twaddle Twitter. .  .  .  Egypt's Abdul Fattah al-
Sisi outpolled Syria's Bashar al-Assad 97 per cent to 89 per
cent in national elections. . . . Boko Haram entered Attagara,
Nigeria, wearing army uniforms and gathered villagers promi-
sing to protect them from Boko Haram, then opened fire and
killed at least 42 of them.  . . . Two 12-year-old girls in Wau-
kesha,  Wisconsin,  stabbed a 12-year-old friend 19 times in
an attack police thought was inspired by  the  internet  horror
figure Slender Man. . . .Thailand prohibited a three-finger sa-
lute adopted by protesters from The Hunger Games, as the
junta introduced a "Return Happiness to the People"  project
featuring  horse-petting,  distribution of free "happy omelets,"
and concerts  with scantily clad female dancers.  .  .  .  Jabre
White, a black high school student in Des Moines, Iowa, who
said  "Yes,  sir"  to a white teacher,  was reprimanded by the
teacher, "You meant to say,  'Yes, master'." . . . A rat lab ex-
periment concluded that  rats  sometimes  regret  their deci-
sions. . . . Abdullah Abdullah, grandson of Abdullah and Ab-
dullah, son of Abdullah II,  father of Abdullah Abdullah Ab-
dullah,  and grandfather of Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Ab-
dullah,  was running for president of Afghanistan.

    [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Raw Story, AP]

I have a 24-year-old daughter by a former girl friend.  When "Tif-
fany" was a child,  her  mother  made it difficult for me to see her.
At one point her attorney sent me a letter saying I would not have
to pay child support if I gave up parental rights.   I refused. When
Tiffany  was  9 years old,  she and her mother  moved  to  another
state without telling me. I found her through her former neighbors.
After  that  I was able to see Tiffany only for a couple of weeks in
the summer.

Considering all of her mother's obstructions,  I  think  Tiffany and I
have a good relationship.  I  attended  her  high school  and college
graduations, and she comes to visit me once a year. I call her every
month to see how she's doing.

Tiffany is getting married next year and just told me that,  although
she doesn't want to hurt me,  she  wants  her  mother  to  walk  her
down  the  aisle.  She said her Mom has always been there for her.
Tiffany did suggest that I could wait at the front pew in the church
and actually give her away to her groom.

I am very hurt by this, and I think Tiffany is being unfair to me. Do
you have any suggestions?
                                                                                       Heartbroken

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 6/1/14 @14:14 PDT:

It seems that Barack is confusing football metaphors
with baseball metaphors.   But he's primarily a bask-
etball guy; so I guess we can overlook it.

That's kind of racist, isn't it?

Yeah, you don't advance the ball in baseball; you advance
the runner, if you can.  You advance the  ball  in  football,
both Am'r'c'n and FIFA.
                                                                            – Editor


Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 6/1/14 @16:06 PDT re the "Land
Zeppelin"  in Greensburg,  Indiana,  "a see-through, football-
shaped plastic cover that keeps bicyclists dry in the rain":

Where's the picture? This is a vital piece of who, what,
where, when, why and how not reported.

Here's the picture,  found by means of the link within
your link,  leading to the original source:

 

Yes, there was a link (http://bit.ly/1rk2lG5) in the article we linked
that took you to an article in the Greensburg Daily News  that dis-
played the pitture you have forwarded.  Finding it was easier than
finding violinists on a tarmac. . . .

We at the 'Lines tend to avoid posting pittures ourselves that don't
feature pretty (or ugly) girls. . . .

And,  we were a little disappointed with this particular pitture for
other  reasons.  It's out of focus,  and the Zep covers only half the
rider's body and very little of the bicycle.  Better to leave it to the
reader's imagination  (see dumb news from Kentucky, below,  for
an example of another photo that probably should not have been
published).
                                                                                            – Editor

                                                                        [courtesy NBC.com]

A man walking the streets of Lafayette with a rifle strapped to his
torso, protesting the suspension of his driver's license, was struck
by a pickup truck in what he said was an intentional  hit  and  run
(he said he was carrying the rifle for protection because  he  does
not have a handgun permit). . . .

A car carrying four persons plunged into a sinkhole on a street in
Evansville.
                                                         [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Jeffrey Smith, WM, 5'9", 150 lbs, hair brown, eyes blue, habitual traffic offender; Denise Culp, WF, 5'8", 135 lbs, hair brown, eyes blue, Methamphetamine (yup, white FEMALE); Lawrence Baker, 6'2", 260 lbs, hair blond, eyes brown, child molestation (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

    
This photo was printed in last Saturday's Louisville Courier-Journal,  o-
ver a caption stating, "The sight of coal-laden barges on the Ohio River
is a common one,"   and  an article on the proposed new power plant e-
mission rules for the nation. But these barges don't look exactly "laden"
with coal to us; they seem closer to empty.  What do you say,   readers?
The paper later published what may be a better  photo  example,  in  its
edition on line  (but it, too, is miscaptioned, saying,  "A barge [emphasis
added] carries coal on the Ohio River . . . " (we count 15 barges in that
photo, as in the photo above). . . .

It was reported that U.S. Senate nominee Alice-in-Wonderland's Groin
Alison Lundergan Grimes had accepted a campaign contribution from
an environmentalist.
                                                                       [courtesy Courier-Journal]

State House of Representatives Speaker  Greg  Stumbo,  a  Democrat
from the coal fields of Floyd County, called President Obama's power
plant emissions plan a "dumb ass policy." . . .

A coal company in  Harlan  County  was cited by the state's Natural Re-
sources Department for killing fish in Seagraves Creek and the Cumber-
land River by releasing a chemical  intended  to  stop  coal  slurry  from
leaching into the streams. . . .

Lexington's most wanted: Tracey Harmon, WF, 28, 5'3", 115 lbs; Featured fugitive, Michelle Pierce, BF, 33, 5'7", 160 lbs, wanted for wanton endangerment (1st degree, 2 counts) & criminal mischief

                [courtesy Herald-Leader]

University of Louisville pitcher Nick Burdi said he was "pissed" to be
taken 46th in the major league baseball draft, by the Minnesota Twins
in the second round. . . .

Shelby Osborne, a 5' 6", 140-pound girl who  played  cornerback  for
the Jeffersonville (Ind.) High School football team, has been signed to
play football at Campbellsville (Ky.) University.

A 91-year-old Army veteran reads (barely) "President" Eisenhower's
message declaring the end of World War II in Europe (it appears that
it was the Courier-Journal's error, not the old man's, not knowing that
Dwight Eisenhower was not yet President in 1945).

"In the Golden Age of the internet – approximately 1999 to 2009 – communication was never
 easier,  with e-mail and 'bulletin boards.'  You didn't even have to interrupt anyone with a tel-
 ephone call.  Then came "instant messaging," Clutterbook, Twaddle and Instacrap, and the in-
 nernet became unnavigable, let alone unintelligible.  Makes you long for the the days of more
 efficient communication, like the Pony Express,  and writing a message,  putting it in a bottle,
 and throwing it into the ocean.  You didn't have to  'download'  anything for the U.S. mail  or
 the bottle."
                                                                                                – Snowball the Cat, London, Ohio

"For the first time, scientists have expanded life's genetic alphabet, by inserting two unnatur-
 al, man-made 'letters' into a bacterium's DNA, and by showing that the cell's machinery can
 copy  them.   The  advance  means that scientists have a new tool for exploring how life en-
 codes information,  which could help them understand life's origins.  What's  more,  this is a
 step towards giving living cells new abilities,  like  being able to make more and better medi-
 cines,  cheaper and faster.  The instructions in DNA really are written in a kind of code.  It's
 made of strings of molecules that go by the letters A, C, T, and G.  Life has been happy with
 this code for billions of years; but to Floyd Romesberg, a chemist at the Scripps Research In-
 stitute in La Jolla, California, it seems really limited.  'Imagine,' he says, 'if the English alpha-
 bet only had four letters. If you could have a couple extra letters, there's more that you could
 write.'  His team has created a pair of unnatural, synthetic letters that can be inserted into D-
 NA, right alongside the usual letters."
                                                                        – Nell "Greenfieldboyce," National Public Radio

Quotations of the Wheat: "If  you ain't eatin' your old lady and jacking your dog, Wheat'll  take 'em both away from you."                                                                 – Leonard Simon

Iggy Azalea, 24
Bonnie Tyler, 63
Holly Near, 65
Gail Davies, 66
Bill Moyers, 80
Van Lingle Mungo (1911-1985)

Memphis Minnie (1897-1973)


                                                                        [TMI from USA Today]

"Iggy Azalea," a "rapper" born Amethyst Azalea Kelly in Australia, had the two top recordings on Billboard. You've heard, of course,  of the misspelled "Lil' Kim," and even, perhaps, Nicki Minaj; but had you heard of Iggy Azalea, and Rapsody, and PTAF, and Lee Mazin, and Nitty Scott, and Nyemiah Supreme, and Snow Tha Product?

A man was convicted of slavery in Niger for taking a fifth
wife. . . . A teacher shaved a 14-year-old girl's armpits in
a "life skills" class in Victoria,  Australia. . . . All ATM ma-
chines in Sweden broke down simultaneously.  . . .  A U-
krainian TV reporter's latest stunt  was  striking Brad Pitt
in the face. . . . Macaulay Culkin's band the Pizza Under-
ground was booed off the stage in Nottingham,  England.
. . . A Los Angeles, California, man was charged with re-
ceiving disability benefits  while  starring  as  a  dancing
hamster  in a Kia commercial.  .  .  .  A 62-year-old man
drove his van from New Mexico home to Warren, Mich-
igan, with his dead girl friend in the passenger seat  (and
his 93-year-old mother in a wheel chair in the back). . . .
A live copy of  Van  Gogh's  ear,  made on a 3-D printer
from cells donated by a living great-great-nephew of the
Dutch artist, was on display at a museum in Berlin,Ger-
many. . . . Teen-agers shooting BB guns at other motor-
ists' windshields in Santa Fe,  New Mexico,  called  911
when one of their targets chased them (they were arres-
ted). . . .  The Westboro Baptist Church failed to picket
funeral services for Maya Angelou because they could-
n't find them.

            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Snopes, NBC.com, AP]

Louisville Ky.'s Mercy Academy softball team celebrates a tournament victory (photo by John Sommeers for Courier-Journal)

NASCAR driver Joey Logano said his sport is safer than football. . . .

California Choke failed to win the Triple Crown. . . .

North Korea developed a "sports drink" from mushrooms to help athletes
recover from exertion. . . .

Horsey woman: J. J. Hysell is a horse race handicapper and writer for the Louisville Courier-Journal

My 95-year-old father, "Fred,"  lives on his own, far away from
his three children.  Until now Dad has been in good health, even
still driving.  My siblings and I have been trying to convince Dad
to move near one of us so we can care for him, but he refuses.

Dad has a girl friend, "Gina," whom he met right after Mom died
seven years ago.  Gina is 20 years younger than Dad.   At first it
was companionship that kept them together; but recently Gina is
more of a care giver.   Dad is increasingly dependent on this wo-
man and seems unable to make a decision without consulting her
first (they do not live together).

We see Dad's health deteriorating,  both mentally  and physically,
and don't think he is getting the basic care he needs. How do we
get him to give up Gina and come live with one of us?

                                                                    Confused Daughter

We neglected to report last week that the bus on which a
crocodile was injured in Russia was a circus bus, that the
accountant who fell on the croc was a woman,  and  that
she weighed 265 pounds.

Surveyors were trying to establish the state's 105-mile northern bor-
der  with Michigan,  previously based on wooden stakes driven into
the ground in 1827.  The southern border,  with  Kentucky,  is even
screwier:  It's the low water mark on the right bank of the Ohio Riv-
er – which changes course from time to time.  For example, the Ellis
Downs horse race track at Henderson, Ky., is on the Indiana side of
the  river  (but it's in Kentucky).  The Indiana-Kentucky border has
been to the United States Supreme Court at least twice (in 1820 and
1980). . . .

The Bloomington park board approved a contract to hire sharpshoo-
ters to  eliminate  100  deer  in a city nature preserve.  In season,  of
course. . . .

Tafsir Awal's  Monsoon Properties Inc.  bought Hoagy Carmichael's
fire-damaged house in Bloomington for a rental property. . . .

The dread pest fish gizzard shad survived an icy winter in LaGrange
County's Royer.Lake, to the disappointment of wildlife officials. . . .

A civil engineer in Greensburg was touting his "Land Zeppelin," a
see-through, football-shaped  plastic  cover  that keeps bicyclists
dry in the rain.

Police in the upscale Indianapolis suburb of Carmel  were  investiga-
ting "sexting" in the schools.
                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Kesha Jastrzembski, WF, 5'5", 120 lbs, hair brown, eyes hazel, Theft; Gina Neuman, WF, 5'1", 135 lbs, hair brown, eyes hazel, Forgery; Toni Thornton, WF, 5'5", 140 lbs, hair brown, eyes brown, Theft (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Just three months after serpent-handling sermonizer  Jamie  Coots,
42, died of snakebite (his last words were "Sweet Jesus!"), his son,
Cody Coots, 21, the fourth-generation snake-handling pastor at his
late father's church,  the Full Gospel Tabernacle in Jesus' Name,  in
Middelsboro,  was bitten by a rattlesnake. . . .

Lexington's most wanted: Featured fugitive Jesse Williams, WM, 21, 6'1", 180 lbs, wanted for burglary in the third degree; Kimberly Jackson, BF, 38, 5'0", 110 lbs

                                                                                    [courtesy Herald-Leader]

A former disk jockey at Louisville's WAKY-AM ("Wacky!") radio
has been named chief executive officer of National Public Radio.

                                                            [courtesy Courier-Journal]

Indiana was ranked the eighth dumbest state in the Union, and
Kentucky, the fourth,  by the New York publication the Street
(West Virginia and Arkansas were 1 and 2).

[courtesy KFOR-TV, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma – No. 9 –
  Hey! Hoosiers! How does it feel to be dumber than Oklahomans?]

"Am I?  I am not a fucking 'woman in music'; I'm a fucking
 musician in music!"
                                            – singer Neko Case, responding to Playboy magazine's "tweeted"
                                               minireview of her new album, "Neko Case is breaking the mold
                                               of what women in the music industry should be"

"The Culture War is over, and we won."
                                                                        – Bill Maher

"The comment I made about singles and doubles is only a partial quote  . . .  there's a lot of
 blocking and tackling to foreign policy, to change sports metaphors, or, if you want to stick
 to baseball, . . . a lot of what you want to do is to advance the ball . . . advance the ball . . .
 advance the ball . . . . "
                                            – Barack Obama

"I don’t care who runs against Obama, I’ll vote for him.  I don’t care if it’s a Democrat, a Re-
 publican, an Indian, a Pakistani – even a Frenchman!"
                                                                                            – food stamp recipient Jim Feltner,
                                                                                               of Wolfe County, Kentucky

"I believe God's payback [for an abortion she had years before] was to
 give my son autism."
                                        – singer Toni Braxton, in her autobiography Unbreak My Heart

"Man up and come back to the United States."
                                                                                – John Kerry (to Edward Snowden)

Quotations of the Wheat: "I've never had anything that hasn't been fucked or had a  brick thrown through it."                                                  – Leonard Simon

As Native Americans have drawn their bows on the sports team
name Washington Redskins,  the Politically Correct Police have
urged them to take aim  also  at the Cleveland Indians  (the only
good one is a dead one,  and the Cleveland Indians are the epit-
ome of death),  the Atlanta Braves  (talk about your tomahawks
and scalpers),  and the Kansas City Chiefs.

And the PCP have urged PETA to tomahawk:

• the Detroit Lions
• the Detroit Tigers
• the Cincinnati Bengals
• the Jacksonville Jaguars
• the Florida Panthers
• the Carolina Panthers
• the Charlotte Bobcats
• the Minnesota Timberwolves
• the Phoenix Coyotes
• the Memphis Grizzlies
• the Boston Bruins
• the Chicago Bears
• the Chicago Cubs
• the Chicago Bulls
• the Dallas Mavericks
• the Milwaukee Bucks
• the Denver Broncos
• the Indianapolis Colts
• the St. Louis Rams
• the St. Louis Cardinals
• the Detroit Red Wings
• the Toronto Blue Jays
• the Baltimore Orioles
• the Baltimore Ravens
• the New Orleans Pelicans
• the Pittsburgh Penguins
• the Anaheim Ducks
• the Toronto Raptors
• the Philadelphia Eagles
• the Atlanta Falcons
• the Atlanta Hawks
• the Chicago Blackhawks
• the Seattle Seahawks
• the Nashville Predators
• the Miami Dolphins
• the Florida Marlins
• the Tampa Bay Rays
• the San Jose Sharks
• and the Arizona Diamondbacks.

The Rattle Snakes of America have coiled up around major league
baseball's Diamondbacks (for Huitzilopochtli's sake).

Brooke Shields, 49
Christina ("Wynonna") Judd, 50
John Hinckley Jr., 59
Stevie Nicks, 66
John Fogerty, 69
Annette Dionne, 80
Cecile Dionne Langlois, 80
Dr. Joseph-Ignace Guillotin (1738-1814)

The French national railroad company ordered 2,000 new
trains two wide for many depot platforms,  requiring reno-
vation at hundreds of stations. .  .  . An unopposed candi-
date's name was left off the ballot for city council  in  Ben-
wood, West Virginia, and another councilman's name was
on the ballot  in his district  (meaning the other councilman
will hold two seats now?) . . . A robotic research boat (ro-
boat?  drone boat?)  designed as a crocodile  was  chased
down the Mara River in Kenya by  a  2½-ton  hippopota-
mus).  . . . Taylor Swift canceled a Bangkok performance
"due to recent events in Thailand." . . . Victims' survivors
complained that a gift shop at the National September 11
Memorial Museum was selling New York Fire Dept. dog
vests and earrings made from trees that survived the 9/11
attack. . . .The serial stabber-shooter  at the University of
California at Santa Barbara  was the son of an assistant
director of The Hunger Games. . . .  A business profes-
sor at Polk State College in Winger Haven, Florida, was
arrested after it was discovered that he had faked a tran-
script submitted with his application in 2009 and display-
ed  a  diploma  from the University of South Florida with
the name of the president and  "baord"  misspelled. . . .
An honor student at a high school in Clay County, Geor-
gia, was banned from the "senior walk" for posting at her
picture in the yearbook "Barium, carbon, potassium, tho-
rium,   astatine,   arsenic,   sulfur,  uranium,  phosphorus,"
which, if you will spell it out by the  atomic  symbols  Ba,
C, K, Th, At, As, S, U and P, says,  "Back  that  ass  up!"
. . . You can get a Burmese python massage at the Cebu
City Zoo in the Philippines. . . . Matthew Mglej, 25, was
arrested for playing the violin in the nude outside the fed-
eral courthouse in Portland, Oregon. . . .  A man was ar-
rested for taking his clothes off outside the White House
fence  in  Washington,  D.C.  . . . The body of Georgina
Chervony Lloren,  80,  lay not in a coffin  but was prop-
ped up in her  red-cushioned rocking chair  at her wake
in San Juan, Puerto Rico. . . . A woman from whom 18
cats were confiscated in Onalaska, Wisconsin, broke in
to the Humane Society and kitnapped 15  cats  back –
but only 8 of them her own (there are kittens in the em-
bedded video, Jan). . . .A volunteer rescue squad mem-
ber in Rock Hill, South Carolina, was accused of using
his emergency lights in  pizza  deliveries. . . . A woman
bought 80 tons of sand to make a beach out of her yard
at her home in Kansas City, Missouri,  so she would no
longer have to water and mow her lawn  (not all neigh-
bors were pleased). . . .  Mark Zuckerberg was ordered
by a court in Iran to appear to answer complaints of in-
vasion of privacy.

I'm starting to wonder about my son-in-law, "Pete."  He married
my daughter some 40 years ago . . . .
                                                                            Worried in Wisconsin

The latest butchering of the National Anthem at a U.S. sporting event
(maybe the worst ever, easily the worst by a white girl) was rendered
by LeAnn Rimes at the Indianapolis 500 Mile Race. . . .

And, putting one little word after another, has Jim Nabors always sung
the wrong words to "Back Home Again in Indiana" at the 500?   ". . .
The candles burning bright . . .Through the fields I used to roam
. . . How I long for my Indiana home."  Apparently so, according to
Wikipedia.   (This was his last year to sing at the race.)

Serena Williams was knocked out of the French Open tennis tourna-
ment in the second round,  and  the  Associated Press  report  on the
match did not bother to mention the name of the player who beat her
until  the  next-to-last  line  of a long third paragraph  (it was Garbine
Muguruza, of Spain).  Venus Williams, too, was knocked out (by An-
na Schmiedlova, of Slovakia). . . .