:

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 9/21/14 @06:46 PDT:

Uncle Clem left out Saudi Arabia, where people get behead-
ed in much, much greater numbers on a regular basis.

"There is no Plan B, because there is no Planet B."
                                                                                        – Ban Ki-moon

"All the Islamic State can do is cut off heads, they have nothing
 to do with Islam."
                                                – Mustafa Saleh, a Syrian Kurd refugee

"The stakes are the future of the planet, and so far we've seen essentially no action from world
 leaders that matter."
                                       – Professor Bill McKibben, environmental activist

"Kenya's president said today that Kenyan troops will stay the course until peace and stability
 is restored."
                            – Giles Snider, National Public Radio

"I say shoot the idiots and call the coroner."

                                             – David Scott Gregory, coroner of Winston County, Mississippi

Quotations of the Wheat: "Why would I care if she didn't get a nut?  She started the same  time I did, didn't she?" – Leonard Simon

Avril Lavigne, 30
Gwyneth Paltrow, 42
Moon Unit Zappa, 47
Debby Boone, 58
Bruce Springsteen, 65
Cheryl Tiegs, 67
Ben E. King, 76

Ian Tyson, 81

Medical marijuana patients were getting THC-laced  piz-
zas  by delivery in Los Angeles.  .  .  .  The World Health
Organization reported a black market in the blood  of  E-
bola survivors. .  .  .  An Auschwitz guard,  now 93,  was
charged with 300,000 counts of accessory to murder. . . .
Six  Iranians  were sentenced to 91 lashes and prison for
posting a video on line showing them dancing to Pharrell
Williams' song "Happy.". . . Jasmine Tridevil,  a 21-year-
old Florida massage therapist, had a third breast implant-
ed surgically to make herself unattractive. . . . The Calif-
ornia state bar recommended discipline  for a Los Ange-
les lady lawyer who pasted her image into celebrity pho-
tographs on her web site.  .  .  . A county coroner denied
that he was trying to drum up business  when he advised
homeowners to shoot home intruders. . . . A 24-year-old
preschool teacher in Woodbridge,Virginia, bit a year-old
boy to punish him for biting a teacher. . . . Nonagenarians
were scrambling for voter identification under new state
laws. . . . Fort Hood shootist Nidal Hassan petitioned the
Islamic State for citizenship. . . .  It was reported just last
week that the  groundhog  dropped by New York Mayor
Bill de Blasio at a ceremony at the Staten Island Zoo on
February 2 died of internal injuries a week later. . . .Two
women who rented a car in Boston, Massachusetts,  dis-
covered a ball python in the trunk  when they arrived in
Kennebunkport,  Maine. .   .  .  Jesus  appeared in a tree
trunk to a sawmill owner in Memphis, Tennessee.

The movies:  Eggos

           

[An editorial:]  So,  let's all remember  Derek  Jeter,  New
York Yankee shortstop retiring today, as the guy who sent
Alex Rodriguez to third base. . . .

Tony Stewart was no-billed by the Ontario County grand
jury in New York  (and the race car driver-turned-pedes-
trian he killed on a dirt track was found to have been un-
der the influence of dope). . . .

Volleyball hottie, Elly Crittenden, junior, Seneca High School, Louisville, Ky., also serves as assistant trainer for football team on Friday nights (Courier-Journal photo by Alto Strupp)

My daughter has been married for 14 years  to a won-
derful, successful, caring husband; and they have four
beautiful children; but she recently moved out.  I can't
believe it.

Everyone could tell the marriage wasn't going that well
in the last year,  but we thought it was the usual ups and
downs.  Then my daughter started spending a lot of eve-
nings with her girl friends and staying out until the wee
hours.  She also became secretive and not the loving, o-
pen daughter she had been.

I asked her to see a doctor,  thinking she was depressed,
but also to check her thyroid because I have hypothyroid-
ism and so did my mother. But she told me to stay out of
it, that it's between her and her husband. She said there's
no abuse, drugs or alcohol; and I believe her. But I think
she is seeing someone on the side.  She said she just does
not love her husband anymore.

I asked her to please go to counseling or speak to the pas-
tor, and she said no.  She told me to leave them alone and
let them work it out.  Now she says the split is permanent.
I am devastated and angry with her.  She left the kids with
her husband,  and she's moved in with her sister.  I cannot
believe she would do this.

I see the kids two or three times a week, when I baby-sit.
My daughter has asked me to support her in this decision,
but I just can't. What do I do?
                                                                        Beyond Sad

  (this week's issue
brought to you by the Kentucky Bourbon Festival):

surteesdn@aol.com wrote Sun 9/14/14 @07:35 PDT:

Just to let you know:  Three of your photos today ap-
peared  at the bottom of the e-mail.  The others ap-
peared where I think you intended.

Thanks.  We'd be concerned if you were not on AOL.    – Editor


Publius Leget wrote Sun 9/14/14 @11:35 CDT:

Other common "ible"s are "audible," "visible," "di-
visible,"  "invisible" and "indivisible."  Two I'd like
to see are "viible" and "pliible."

Hope Ann Kindis wrote Mon 8/11/14:

Here are two words for discussion in "Roots 'n' Grafts":

incunabulum (pl. -a):  There are several definitions, all
pertaining to ancient or early events or things,  such as
art of an early epoch,  books printed before 1501,  and
the early stages of something.  This  is  from  the  huge
dictionary in our library,  so big and heavy  that  I have
never attempted to close it to look at the cover.

reify (v).:  I ran across this word repeatedly in a book ti-
tled  The  Quantum  and  the Lotus:  A  Journey  to  the
Frontiers  Where  Science  and  Buddhism  Meet.   This
word was  not  in  my  Merriam-Webster "New Edition"
(2004) Dictionary,  or  in my tattered Oxford American
Desk Dictionary  and Thesaurus  (copyright page miss-
ing).  I  found  it  in  a  "crossword  puzzle  dictionary,"
which said it means  "to  make  real  or  concrete."   In
Quantum the Buddhist said, "The notion of inconceiv-
ability helps to drive  away  the  reifying  instinct  that
makes us see  phenomena  as autonomous real entities
. . . ."

Although there's a squiggly red line under "reify" as we type
(the program is Mozilla's Thunderbird),  you'll  be  happy  to
know  that both your words are in our 1957 edition  of  Ran-
dom House'  American College Dictionary  –  which lists the
first word in the plural,  "incunabula"  (say: "in-kyoo-NAB-
yә-lә "),  indicating that the plural is the form to use,  listing
the singular (-lum) as an afterthought.  The definition is  "1.
books produced in the  infancy  of  printing  (before  1500)
from movable type.  2.  the earliest stages or first traces of
anything"  (from the Latin for "swaddling clothes," it adds;
our Latin-English dictionary confirms – think "incubate").

"Reify,"  says our dictionary,  means  "to convert into or re-
gard as a concrete thing: to reify an abstract concept." The
root is "res," Latin for "thing."

Both words appear also in our 1983 edition of the Random
House College Dictionary  (same  publication;  new name)
and in our 2001 New Oxford American Dictionary  (which
is  about  twice the size of a standard "college" dictionary).
All  list  the plural "incunabula," with the singular ("-lum")
as  a  footnote.  So does our "pocket-size" edition of Web-
ster's  New World Dictionary  (Warner  Bros.,  1984),  but
it does not have "reify."   Our Webster's Pocket Dictionary
and Thesaurus (Nichols, 1999) lists "incunabulum (pl. -la)"
and defines it as "a book printed before 1501."  It too does
not list "reify."

It's pretty simple:

• You don't want beheaded, don't go to Syria (or Iraq).
• You don't want blown up in a building, don't work in New York (or Kabul).
• You don't want your paycheck garnished, don't buy on credit.
• You don't want cancer, don't smoke (or eat).
• You don't want arrested, don't break the law (or shuffle).
• You don't want divorced, don't get married.
• You don't want punched out by a National Football League star, don't get on the elevator with your fiancé or your husband.
  

A woman who commutes to work on a bicycle from Nicholas-
ville to Lexington (18 miles one way),  Cherokee Schill,   was
found guilty of reckless driving and days later was arrested for
wanton endangerment;  and two men were arrested for DUI on
lawn mowers in Pulaski County.
                                                                     [courtesy WKYT-TV]

An 11-year-old girl was charged with a felony for threatening to
bomb Greenup County schools on a Clutterbook  Facebook post
over a fictitious name.
                                        [courtesy WSAZ-TV, Huntington, W. Va.]

A write-in candidate for Mitch McConnell's U.S. Senate seat pos-
ted signs in Boone County saying "With Jews we lose."

                [courtesy Jewish Political News & Updates, WLW-TV]

McConnell's Democrat challenger,  Alice-in-Wonderland's Groin
Allison Lundergan Grimes, trotted out her grandmother for anoth-
er televised political ad.
                                                                    [courtesy TheHill.com]

"Honest Gil" Fulbright  was  campaigning  to buy McConnell's
Senate seat. . . .

State Fair officials finally revoked the blue ribbon given to the
woman  who submitted her buttermilk pie with a prefabricated
Pillsbury pie crust  (but instead of awarding the ribbon to Gen-
eral Mills, owner of the Pillsbury brand, they gave it to the red
ribbon winner).
                                         [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Wanted in Edmonson: John Duvall, WM, 52, impersonation of a Lubbite (Lubbock County, Texas, Detention Center photo)

"Roger Goodell must stop apologizing to everyone who will listen and toughen up.  His street-
 smart players are laughing at him and the NFL."
                                                                                       – Donald Trump (i.e., "Man up, bitch!")

"What the fuck!"
                                 – a second-hand Barbie doll in North Wales

"The local news coverage, NPR programs like Morning Edition and All Things Considered,
 and music and weekend shows impact you on a daily basis."

                   – Lisa Autry, Kevin Willis and Emil Moffatt, WKYU-FM radio, Bowling Green, Ky.

Quotations of the Wheat: "Skin it back and scotch it with a cockleburr." – Leonard Simon

"Beep ball" enables the vision-impaired
 (even the blind) to play baseball.

Lance Armstrong, 43
Twiggy, 65
Sophia Loren, 80
Leonard Cohen, 80
Elgin Baylor, 80
B. B. King, 89

Sylvia Tyson, 74
Gogi Grant, 90

A 60-year-old woman was arrested in Grand Junction,  Col-
orado, for pointing a loaded rifle at an 11-year-old neighbor
boy practicing the clarinet in his back yard. .  .  .  Jesus  was
seen in a pierogi at a Catholic church festival in Ecorse, Mi-
chigan. . . . A man in Redding,  California,  killed his estran-
ged girl friend's dog, cooked it and fed it to her in a reconcil-
iation (of sorts). . . .A 67-year-old man who stabbed his wife
84 times (to death) and then covered her face with a pig mask
in Denville, New Jersey, was sentenced to 50 years in prison.
. . . A grade school teacher in Taylorsville, Utah, accidentally
shot herself in the leg and blew up a toilet  in a staff restroom
with a concealed handgun she carried. . . . A black man carry-
ing a toy samurai sword was shot in the back and killed by po-
lice outside a business in Saratoga Springs, Utah. . . . The co-
founder of  a  retirement  home  for  circus elephants in Hope,
Maine, was stepped on by one of his residents and died. . . . A
14-year-old boy who posted a photo of himself on Clutterbook
Facebook getting a blow job from a Jesus statue  was  charged
as a juvenile with criminal desecration of a  venerated  object.
.  .  . A 65-year-old woman committed suicide by jumping into
a crocodile pit at a reptile farm in Thailand.  .  .  . Texas' Court
of Criminal Appeals found the statute banning "upskirt" photos
to be an unconstitutional violation of  freedom of speech  ("It's
hard to see how you could make taking a picture a crime," com-
mented University of Houston law professor Peter Linzer).  . . .
Pabst Blue Ribbon,  Schlitz,  Old Milwaukee and Colt 45 brew-
eries were sold to a Russian firm.

[courtesy Harper's, Snopes, HuffPost, Raw Story, NBC.com, AP]

Western Kentucky University quarterback Brandon Doughty passed for a  Conference  USA
record 593 yards and led his team to 47 points – only to lose to Middle Tennessee State Uni-
iversity in football, 50-47. . . .

Colombian lady cyclists' uniforms were banned in Italy (but the girls are not quite as naked
as they look):


We figured out last Monday night why we can't see Monday night football on television any
more:  It's not on television. . . .

                                                                                                             
                                              Five more things you need to know about Anna Isaacson.

National Football League commissioner Roger ("Goody Two-Shoes") Goodell has hired a hottie, Anna Isaacson, as NFL "vice president for social responsibility" in the wake of recent allegations of spousal and child abuse against four players. She said she speaks with Goodell "probably six times a day."

I am a proud father of two young children,  who both mind
and respect me.  I know that kids get in trouble.  I wish my
wife  and  my ex  would take a little more responsibility  for
the discipline.  They can't seem to handle it.  It  hurts  to be
always the "mean parent."
                                                                     Adrian Peterson

Publius Leget wrote Sun 9/7/14 @10:20 CDT:

Why do you attach links to the signatures on the letters to "Dear Eleanor"?

Two  reasons:  So you can see (1) we don't  make these letters up,  and
(2) what the other advice columnists have to say in response to the wri-
ters'  queries.  The links are to the advice columns where we got the let-
ters.   – Editor


Nolan Porterfield wrote Mon 9/8/14 @15:35 CDT:

As a former resident of Lubbock (a/k/a "The Hub City"), I must inform
one and all that the way to refer to a resident of Lubbock is "a resident
of Lubbock."   Obviously this also will do:  "John Doe, Lubbock resi-
dent."  If one prefers to use more words, try "a person who resides in
Lubbock."

Since the Lubbock Hubbers, a bush league professional baseball team,
faded away in the late 1950's, no one there under the age of 70 knows,
or cares,  what "The Hub City" is all about.  As  a  last  resort,  "Texas
Techsan" will work if the person is affiliated with the city's university.

"Lubbockian," me, no "Lubbockians." I also once lived in Gallup, N.-
M.  Residents there never thought of being called "Gallupians."

There's  more  correspondence  here  – a letter from and a letter to one of
our regular correspondents,  too lengthy for inclusion in a regular issue of
this publication, and beating dead horses, in any event. But there are hon-
orable mentions of our other regular correspondents Jay Cory, Keith Dur-
bin,  Bruce Mitchell,  Nolan Porterfield,  Steve Yates and "the Wheat" in
our correspondent's letter;  so they,  at least,  might want to take a look at
the PDF of this correspondence we've uploaded  separately  on  line,  and
our other readers might enjoy it also.    – Editor

A motorist wielding scissors  and  suspected  in a stabbing  was
shot in the hip with a handgun by a Barren County deputy sher-
iff after the deputy's Taser failed to fire. . . .

A Bowling Green policewoman  who  punched  a  handcuffed
woman after the woman kicked her and spat on her was found
not guilty of assault and unnecessary use of force  in a hearing
by  the  City Commission  (the police chief had recommended
her dismissal).

            [courtesy Park City Daily News of Bowling Green, Ky.]

Lexington's most wanted: Traci Greene, WF, 31, 5'7", 150 lbs (it doesn't say what she's charged with, but you can see why she's wanted) (Herald-Leader)

  

Most wanted in Warren: J. B. Hines, 18, 6' 2", 170 lbs, DUI, molesting an animal, attempted mobery (Plum Springs Detention Center photo)

Indiana University was ranked 76th  (tied with Clark University
in Worcester, Massachusetts)  among "national universities"  by
U.S. News & World Report (only Michigan State, 85th, and Neb-
raska,  99th,  ranked lower in the Big Ten;  Purdue ranked 62nd).
The University of Kentucky was ranked 129th.   Centre  College,
in Danville, Kentucky, was ranked 45th among liberal arts colle-
ges,   in a five-way tie with Bard College,  in Annandale on Hud-
son, New York,  Trinity College, in Hartford, Connecticut,  Con-
necticut College,  in New London,  and Sewanee - University of
the South, in Sewanee, Tennessee  –  higher than any in Indiana:
DePauw University,  in  Greencastle,  Indiana,  was tied for 51st
with Denison University,  in Granville,  Ohio;  and Wabash Col-
lege,  in Crawfordsville,  Indiana,  was tied for 61st with Beloit
(Wisconsin) College and Hobart and William Smith Colleges, in
Geneva,  New York.  Ball State University,  in Muncie,  Indiana,
and Indiana State University (in Terre Haute) were listed as "na-
tional universities"  (ranked 173rd  and unranked,  respectively);
but Murray (Kentucky) State University, Western Kentucky Uni-
versity (in Bowling Green), Morehead (Kentucky) State Univer-
sity and Eastern Kentucky University (in Richmond) were listed
as  "regional universities  (South)"  (ranked 26th, 31st, 53rd and
62nd,  respectively).

The Daily Beast named the Gatton Academy of Mathematics and
Science,  affiliated with Western Kentucky University in Bowling
Green, Kentucky, the top high school in the nation, and the Signa-
ture School, a charter school in Evansville, Indiana, 5th.

Roots and grafts:

We learned only recently,  in a crossword puzzle,  that "bole" is another word
for "clay." And, putting one little word after another, that got us to wondering
if Muhammad Ali, né Cassius Clay, was any kin to the late 7-foot, 7-inch bas-
ketball player Manute Bol . . . ?

"Mama, don' fip me wif a tree!"
                                                        – Tony Dean, age 3, being chased down the side-
                                                            walk by his mother with a switch, in 1949

"You can eradicate ditch weed as well as
  you can eradicate dandelion."
                                                           – Indiana State Police Captain David Bursten

"I think the message is, take the stairs."
                                                                   – Brian Kilmeade,  Fox & Friends,
                                                                      re the Ray Rice elevator incident

Quotations of the Wheat: "Feed the monkey and watch him shit." – Leonard Simon

Jennifer Nettles, 40
Bashar al-Assad, 49
Amy Irving, 61
Joe Theismann, 65
José Feliciano, 69
Maria Muldaur, 71
Arnold Palmer, 85
Rin Tin Tin (1918-1932)
Marie Laveau (1801-1881)

A day care center in Fort Worth, Texas, was sued for duct-
taping a 2-year-old boy to a mat at nap time. . . . A 9-year-
old boy in his pajamas took a  city bus  for a joy ride from
the city garage in Saskatoon,  Saskatchewan. . . . Two deer
took a stroll on the Golden Gate Bridge  in  San Francisco,
backing up traffic. . . .The Mad Fresh Bistro in Fort Myers,
Florida,  was refusing to allow patrons over 10 years old to
use ketchup on any parts of their meals. . . .  A macaque in
Shimla, India, stole a money bag from a building under con-
truction and rained currency on people from a rooftop and a
treetop. .  .  .  A blue-eyed albino monocled cobra without a
monocle was captured after  terrorizing  a  neighborhood  in
Los Angeles, California. . . . The  still  anonymous  hackster
who started  the  "Fappening"  internet thread,  posting nude
photos of Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton, Kirsten Dunst and
other stars,  complained that a Washington Post profile inva-
ded  his  privacy.  .  .  .  A woman was killed by a falling gar-
goyle on South Michigan Avenue in Chicago. .  .  . The Alle-
gheny County,  Pennsylvania (Pittsburgh),  County Council
voted 8 to 6 not to post the natinoal motto "In God We Trust"
in its chambers.

A Tabloid Headlines editorial:

    The proper penalties, in the Ray Rice and Jim Irsay affairs,  would
be to reduce Rice's suspension to six games so that his wife and form-
er victim could continue to live the high life to which she has become
accustomed,  to require Irsay to assume Rice's position  in  the  Balti-
more Ravens' backfield for the next six games,  where  all the rapists
on the opposing teams' defenses could beat him to a pulp three hours
each week, and to elect Pete Rose to replace Roger Goodell as com-
missioner of the National Football League.    (Next  week:  Should  a
running back be indicted for whipping his child?)

I am 26 years old.  I love my husband and  would  do
anything for him,  and  he  would do anything for me.
But I contacted an old friend  after learning his uncle
had died.  This guy was my first love.  I only reached
out to him to offer condolence.  But the conversation
went further, and we wound up reminiscing.

Since then we've been talking and texting, and recent-
ly we began to talk about having sex. I know I should-
n't give in to these impulses, but, really, I want to.  My
friend has not pressured me;  so  I  don’t  understand
why I feel this way. What should I do?
                                                                Nameless in the U.S.A.

Shaun, left, was believed by the two farmers who found him in Tasmania to be the world's wooliest sheep, but Sheep Shrek, right, of New Zealand, held the title

Hope Ann Kindis wrote Mon 8/11/14:

Your series of "arrested in Lubbock" got me to wonder-
ing what a resident of Lubbock, Texas, is called – Lub-
bockite? Lubbockian? Lubbocker? Lubber? Lummox?

Lubbite.    – Editor

10.  "Thank you so much."
  9.  "Thank you so much."
  8.  "Thank you for having me." *
  7.  "My pleasure." *
  6.  "There's a 20 per cent chance of snow." *
  5.  "It's 5 a.m." (at 4:59).
  4.  "It's good to be with you" (as if).
  3.  "Glad you're here" (but you're not:  You're there).
  2.  "Stay with us."
  1.  "Thanks for listening."

A teacher was indicted for having cocaine delivered to her at a
middle school in Covington.
                                                    [courtesy Cincinnati Enquirer]

The blue ribbon buttermilk pie at the Kentucky State Fair was under
investigation after the baker told a reporter she used a Pillsbury crust
instead of making her own.
                                                       [courtesy KVUE-TV, Austin, Texas]

A van hydroplaned into nine motorcyclists seeking shelter from the
rain under an I-75 overpass in Scott County.
                                                                            [courtesy WTVQ-TV]

Crystal Chappell, 24, a math teacher at Bullitt County High School, was arrested for having sex with a 17-year-old male student (WDRB)

Lexington's most wanted: Wlliam Smith: First degree burglary (thanks to our roving reporter, Steve Yates, for digging these ouf ot the newly secret archives of the Herald-Leader, which, it seems, did not see fit to provide names of the two ladies or vital statistics for any of these "wanted")

"Don't affirm what you don't want.  'Hands up – see me!' would be a better slogan."

                                                                    – Oprah Network "life coach" Iyanla Vanzant

"If I want, I take Kiev in two weeks."
                                                                       – Vladimir Putin

"It's time for women who really want to be women, who want to be feminine, who
 want to be what God designed them to be."
                                                                        – Gina Loudon, host of Politichicks, on Fox TV

"You kind of wonder how long do you keep it around forever."

       – American tourist Steve Taylor, discussing Hadrian's Wall (if you follow the link, you'll
          have to listen to the audio, at 02:50 – the transcript has been dressed up to make it ap-
          pear that he said, "You kind of wonder how long do you keep it around?  Forever?")

Quotations of the Wheat: "If it flies, floats or fucks, it's cheaper to rent it." – Leonard Simon

Beyondsay, 33
Charlie Sheen, 49
Lily Tomlin, 75
Bill Mazeroski, 78
Mitzi Gaynor, 83
Whitey Bulger, 85
Bob Newhart, 85

Memphis Slim (1915-1988)

 

Squiggly lane lines confused motorists on I-66 in Virginia

Il Tempo of Rome reported that the Islamic State (ISIS, IS-
IL) had targeted the Pope. . . . A police dog urinated on a
makeshift memorial  in  Ferguson,  Missouri,  on the street
where Michael Brown was shot . .  .  . MIT scientists used
laser beams to change bad memories  of  mice  to pleasant.
. . . A brewery in Austin, Texas, introduced the 99-pack. . . .
Miss Asia Pacific World 2014, May Myat Noe of Myanmar
(that's Burma to you, Jim), was stripped of her title for be-
ing "rude and dishonest" (and proved it by running off with
the $100,000 crown). . . . McDonald's in Sedona, Arizona,
had to abandon the golden arches for  turquoise  to comply
with a zoning ordinance. . . . A woman was hospitalized 6
days in Shepton Mallet, England, with wounds inflicted by
her daughter's Persian cat,  whom she was trying to give a
flea bath. . . . Five geckos sent into space for sex  by  Rus-
sian scientists returned to Earth dead. .  .  . NBC News re-
ported  that a cow fled a slaughterhouse  in  Germany,  ran
through Munich to grounds being prepared for Oktoberfest
and  gored  a woman jogging  on the way  (question: What
kind of cow has horns?). . . .Tony Bennett and Lady Gag-a
have recorded an album together,  "Cheek to Cheek,"   due
for release September 23. . . . Britney Spears was single a-
gain. 
                        [courtesy Harper's, Snopes, NBC.com, AP]

Tennis hotskies, notskies and oinkskies: Caroline Wozniacki, a Dane of Polish parentage, is not to be confused with (or maybe she is) tennis hottie Kristina Mladenovic, a Frenchnwoman of Serbian parentage living in Switzerland; the difference is, the sportscasters (ESPN, CBS et al) know how to pronounce Mladenovic (well, almost, they say "mlah-DEN-o-vitch"; it's "mlah-DEN-o-veech") but not Wozniacki (they say "voz-NYACK-y," but the correct pronunciation is "voz-NYAT-ski"). What's so difficult? Wozniacki oinked her way into the quarterfinals of the U.S. Open agains Maria Sharapova, a Russian of Russian parentage living in Florida, who whooped her way (like a goose) through the entire match (Wozniacki did not begin grunting on every shot until the third set)

Chukyo High School finally scored in the 50th inning to beat Su-
doku Sotoku High School 3-0  in a game that lasted four days  in
the  Japanese  Junior High School  Rubber Baseball Tournament
(both starting pitchers went the distance; Taiga Matsui threw 709
pitches for Chukyo). . . .

Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay was suspended for six games
by National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell for a
DUI (our sports staff tells us this means that Irsay will not be al-
lowed to take a snap or touch the ball during the suspension).

The new next-door neighbors call themselves "practicing
athletes"  and  drop  400-pound  barbells  on the concrete
floor of their garage for 45 minutes every night. Each drop
is deafening and jolts our home.  I've spoken with the "ath-
letes." They don't seem to care, and their two young daugh-
ters  began  ringing  our  doorbell  and dashing back home.
They did it so often we had to have the bell disconnected.

We've called the police, but they tell us people in our sub-
division can make noise until 8 p.m.

What can I do?  I am an 82-year-old woman, and I have tin-
nitus, which manifests itself in a constant loud ringing in my
head.  Now it's worse.
                                                    – Going Deaf in Michigan

DeadDoreen Laveau.

Granny and Her Pet Cloud
                            (it rains Skittles)

           

Our apologies; we gave you a defective link for
last week's movie,  McCoffee.  Try  this  if you
were not able to see it. It's only 8 seconds long,
and we believe you will enjoy it.  All our "mo-
vies"  are funny, brief clips from TV and inter-
net  commercials.  Granny and Her Pet Cloud
(above) runs 27 seconds.