No. 6 on the Onion's list of ten people who made no difference in 2014: Jennifer Friedman: Not only did this 6-year-old native of Mount Vernon, Illinois, contribute absolutely nothing to her home town, her country or the world as a whole in 2014, but she took up precious resources that could have been used by other people who actually matter

Publius Leget wrote Sun 12/21/14 @10:25 CST re the Dale Warland Christmas carol:

        How 'bout "disharmony"?

Steve Yates wrote Sun 12/21/14 @10:26 CST:

        How 'bout "caterwauling"?

Leonard Simon wrote Sun 12/21/14 @10:27 CST:

        How 'bout "cacophony"?

Tony Dean wrote Sun 12/21/14 @10:30 CST:

        I'd call it "highly sophisticated harmony."

Here's the deal: Who can come up with a Kim Jong-un cartoon that will get Tabloid Headlines hacked by North Korea? It's a new Tabloid Headlines conest! (Edwin Kagin's 2012 cartoon, right, is an inspiration, along with Sony).

Lexington's most wanted: Amanda Pergram, WF, 35, 5'11", 150 lbs; and in Winchester, Lillian Barnett, WF, 18, was arrested for murder (Herald-Leader)

Arrested in Edmonson County:  Hai V. Ho, YM, 48:  Reckless driving.

              [courtesy Edmonson News, Edmonson District Court Clerk]

Motorists were confused by new diagonal parking spaces, replacing parallel parking, outside the Chevy Chase shopping center in Lexington, meant for backing into, with a sign so instructing (Herald-Leader)

A woman attending "Shop with a Cop" with her son at a Wal-Mart
in Manchester was arrested  for  shoplifting  (it's an annual Christ-
mas  event in which police help underprivileged children buy gifts
for their families,  and the store was full of cops).

                                                    [courtesy Kentucky Sports Radio]

Rickey Henderson, 56
Annie Lenox, 60
Karl Rove, 64
Sissy Spacek, 64
Barbara Mandrell, 66
Merry Clayton, 66
Jimmy Buffett, 68
Ken Stabler, 69
Rod Serling (1924-1975)
Humphrey Bogart (1899-1957)
Ripley (1890-1949)
Clara Barton (1821-1912)
Isaac Newton (1642-1726)
Jesus, 2,010

Shaska Combs, 39
Karla Bonoff, 62
Tracy Nelson, 70
Phil Spector, 75

Johannes Kepler (1571-1630)

John Robert "Joe" Cocker, 70
Daniel Butler "D. B." Crady, 91
Florine "Flo" McDonald, 89
Eugene "Gene" McEnaney, 76
Francis "Frank" Perrin, 86
Rose Mary "Rosie" Winkel, 82

Adv. Snorgtees: If you're having trouble reading the bottom line, we'll reveal it in the next issue. Or, let's make it a Tabloid Headlines contest! Submit your entry by e-mail by Friday. It won't do you any good to cheat by looking the ad up on line because our prize - a free one-year subscription to Tabloid Headlines - will go to the reader who submits the most creative answer.

"Six out of Seven Dwarfs Are Not Happy."
                                                                            – SnorgTees shirt

"There is no guarantee that some stupid Dalai Lama won’t
  come next."
                            – Tenzin Gyatso, the longest-serving Dalai Lama in history, sug-
                                gesting that the six-century lineage might well end with him

"I very much support Putin.  Whom else is there to support?"

                                                                                   – Valentina Roshupkina,of Gryaz, Russia

"It's Science Friday this afternoon, and every Friday on WKU public radio."

  – morning host Joe Corcoran, on Monday, Dec. 22, and Tuesday, Dec. 23 (and Friday, Dec. 26)

"Christmas Eve marks the anniversary of the signing of the Treaty of Jent."
                                                                                                                            – Joe Corcoran
"So we send a team of diplomats over; and they meet in Holland, at Jent."

                           – Jack Thacker, professor of European history, Western Kentucky University

"A 'dream team' of diplomats . . . John Quincy Adams, Henry Clay, Daniel Webster and Albert
 Gallatin . . . these four are our negotiators at Jent."
                                                                                            – Glenn W. LaFantasie,  professor of
                                                                                               American history, Western Ky. Univ.
    [All three apparently were referring to Ghent – hard
     G – a city in Flanders (now Belgium), not Holland.]

"Her basketball IQ is out the roof."
                                                            – Edmonson County (Ky.) High School girls coach
                                                               Ted Hill,  on senior guard Brandi Lindsey

Quotations of the Wheat: "There are two things I hate to hear – a grown man whine,   and a fat lady fart." – Leonard Simon

"If a frog could fly he'd be fucking buzzards."
                                                                              – C. H. Logsdon

Two hangings in Pakistan were said to be the country's
"first executions  since  2008" (guess Taliban activities
and other beheadings  and assassinations  don't  count).
.  .  .  The District Attorney of Milwaukee,  Wisconsin,
decided that a man named Dontre Hamilton had it com-
ing (Ismaaiyl Brinsley shot himself). . . . A city official
in  St.  Petersburg,  Russia,  said  he  threw away his I-
Phone6 when Apple CEO Tim Cook came out because
it was smelling of  "gay stuff." . . . An 8-year-old blind
boy who hit another pupil  with  his  cane  on a school
bus in Kansas City, Missouri, was given a pool noodle
in place of the cane. . . . A man bit a dog in Cambridge,
England. . . . A 330-pound man who sat on a donkey in
a Nativity scene  in  Lucena,  Spain,  was charged with
animal cruelty when the donkey collapsed and died. ...
The Detroit chapter of  the  Satanic  Temple  erected a
Snaketivity  scene  on the Michigan State Capitol lawn
in Lansing (a state representative then put up a Nativity
scene on the opposie side of the building). .  .  . A zom-
bie nativity scene outside a home in a suburb of Cincin-
nati,  Ohio,  was ordered taken down as a zoning viola-
tion. . . . "Jesus is the reason for the season," proclaim-
ed city councilman Bud Williams at a menorah lighting
celebrating the onset of Hanukkah in Springfield, Mas-
sachusetts. . . .  A Santa Claus at a home decor store in
Lee's Summit, Missouri, who had a record of indecent
exposure and child molesting  was arrested for failing
to report his employment. .  .  . Police arrested 60 pro-
testers  at the Black Pete Festival  in  Amsterdam. . . .
"Jingle Bells" ' cover was blown:  It's a Thanksgiving
drinking song not a Christmas song. . . .And Jesus was
not born in a stable.
                                [courtesy Harper's, HuffPost, AP]

The Bahamas Bowl was played before more than  300  fans
on Christmas Eve in Nassau, between the Western Kentucky
and Central Michigan university football teams. . . .

Straight No Chaser,  an  a cappella  chorus consisting of ten
Indiana University alumni,  was chosen to sing "Back Home
Again in Indiana" at the 500 Mile Race in Indianapolis,  fol-
lowing Jim Nabors' 35-year stint.

I love trees, and I love animals.  But my husband calls
me a "tree hugger" – rather sarcastically; and my sons,
who are avid hunters (as is their father),  call me "ani-
mal lover,"  with obvious contempt.  They are  all,  of
course,  serial  killers.   How do I deal with these nim-
rods?
                                                            Flora de Fauna

Yuletide hottie: Tiara Taylor shuffles Christmas packages at Louisville (Ky.) post office (Philip Scott Andrews photo for Courier-Journal)

There must be a name for the weird harmony sung by the Dale Warland Singers
in this rendition of "O Come All Ye Faithful" (arrangement by Stephen Paulus).
What do you call that?

And speaking of strange renditions of this carol, listen to the Vienna Boys Choir
sing it in Latin – sort of  (the link is to an .mp3 on our own web site – you get to
hear donkeys and sheep chirping in the background – but you need to go to You-
Tube to to see the angelic little choir boys mispronounce the vowels  and to see
angelic little girls fondling and lusting for the sheep and donkeys). Spelled pho-
netically (the caps are for vowel sounds, not syllable stress):

            A-des-TEE fi-DEAL-es,
            Laeti triumphantes,
            Venite, venite in BEE-ETH-le-hem; . . .

            Venite a-do-REAM-us,
            Venite a-do-REAM-us, . . . .

Len Zanger wrote Sat 12/13/14 @22:33 EST:

"No atheists in Hell"?   Photographic evidence to the contrary:

Welcome to Hell, Michigan: Left to right, Edwin Kagin, Helen Kagin, Len Zanger

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 12/14/14 @09:01 EST:

My husband's doctor,  a Catholic from India,  says he doesn't believe in a-
theists.

The Columnist Formerly Known as Bob Hill wrote Sun 12/14/14 @03:21 EST:

Unable to sleep Sunday morning, I got up to read my e-mail; and there was
my Sunday paper in an electronic brown wrapper. When I got back to bed,
the large red letters on my digital clock read  3:16.  Is  there  some  sort  of
message  here?

Gots to be.    – Editor


and Connie Harbeson wrote also on Sun 12/14/14 @09:11 EST:

What ever became of the phrase "We're here; we're queer; get used to it"?

Last heard in 1992.    – Ed.

A fire truck rushing to the scene of a traffic accident in Anderson
County ran into a tree, injuring six firemen.
                                                                            [courtesy WTVQ]

Rand Paul,  who already has announced his bid for re-election to
the United States Senate from Kentucky in 2016, has not yet said
whether he will be running for President, too;  but it's a bit obvi-
ous. The problem is, state law prohibits running for two separate
offices in the same election.  But Paul says there's a way around
that.   Kentucky Secretary of State Alice-in-Wonderland's Groin
Alison Lundergan Grimes, the state's chief election officer (who
lost her bid  for  the  Senate  in this year's election against Mitch
McConnell),  says there isn't.
                                                                    [courtesy USA Today]

Jennifer Lawrence (J-Law) is,  so  far,  the most Googled person
of 2014 (Rand Paul trailed both Barack Obama and Chris Chris-
tie).
                                          [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Lexington's most wanted: Shellia (sic) Crawford, WF, 28, 5'2", 100 lbs (pulled kicking & screaming from the Herald-Leader)

"We fully understand that this looks bad."
                                                                      –Greenpeace,  apologizing for defacing Peru's
                                                                        Nazca Lines with an environmental protest sign

"I failed to raise her properly."
                                                        – Cho Yang-ho, Korean Air Lines chairman, apologizing
                                                           for his daughter's ordering a plane back to the gate to
                                                           kick off the head steward for serving her macadamia
                                                           nuts in their bag rather than on a plate

"I just went a little too far."
                                                    – Ellen Crawley, 23, who admitted she broke into her 62-
                                                       year-old grandmother's apartment in Louisville, Ky.,
                                                       through a window, knocked her down with a skillet,
                                                       "choked her out," and dumped her body in the garbage

"Don't jerk and drive."
                                           – South Dakota Department of Public Safety, in a campaign
                                              to deter not . . . ,  but steering overcorrection on icy roads

"ME-thane."
                          – Marian Marshall, Jonathan Amos, BBC

Quotations of the Wheat: "The recent legalization of marijuana in some states is doobie-us." – Leonard Simon

"And, also too . . . ."
                                        – Keith Durbin

"Midlife Crisis," by Donna Hughes:  "I was his true love; you were his midlife crisis . . . ."

Jennifer Beals, 51
Chris Evert, 60
Cindy Birdsong, 75
Pope Jorge, 78
Cicely Tyson, 81
Little Jimmy Dickens, 94
Émile Faguet (1847-1916)
Prince Rupert of the Rhine (1619-1682)

Dollree Mapp, 91
Richard C. Hottelet, 97
                                                [the Los Angeles and New York Timeses]

Daniel "Danny" Divine, 78
Albert "Al" Gibbs, 86
Rebecca "Becky" Fields, 60
Amanda "Mandy" Horton, 37
Patricia "Patty" Hughes, 66
Imogene "Jean" (not "Gene"?) Laxton, 89
Thomas "Tommie" Oldfield Sr., 90
Jay B. "Rusty" Rust, 85
Yvaughn Erichardt "Erich" Steilbert, 45
Anine "Honey" Huettig Chumbley, 93
William Thomas "Booger Bill" Pearson, 72
Tumpy Heflin, 62
                                  [Courier-Journal]

The spending bill passed by Congress prohibits adding the Western
sage grouse to the endangered species list. . . . An undercover high-
way patrol officer who had infiltrated protests in Oakland, Califor-
nia, pulled his gun on demonstrators after they discovered his iden-
tity.  . . . Peppers in the cargo  hold  set off the fire alarm on an Air
France Boeing 747 headed for Paris from the Dominican Republic,
causing an emergency landing  in Shannon,  Ireland,  with 142 pas-
sengers and 12 crew aboard.  . . .  A 4-year-old boy got a toy Nazi
ring from a vending machine at a Family Dollar store in Tulsa, Ok-
lahoma. . . . Kuzya,  a Siberian tiger released into the wild in May
by Russian President Vladimir Putin,  was  filmed  eating a dog in
China. . . . A restaurant in Tokyo declared it would refuse service
to couples on Christmas Eve because they would discomfort sing-
les. . . . Oklahoma and Nebraska sued Colorado over the legaliza-
tion of marijuana. .  .  .  Hazel Grace Campbell was born at 10:11
12/13/14 (a.m. EST) in Cleveland, Ohio.

                                                 [courtesy Harper's, NBC.com, AP]

The "Hoosier Classic," a holiday college basketball tournament among
Indiana, Purdue, Notre Dame and Butler from 1948 to 1959,  has been
revived as the "Crossroads Classic"  (they  can't  call it  "Hoosier"  any
more because that is the nickname of one the school's teams (and what
did they call Indiana University teams in the 1940's  and '50's?   That's
right,  the Hoosiers). . . .

A five-year study  of the National Football League draft   found  that
thugs outperformed law-abiders relative to their selection levels.

I recently returned to work after the birth of my second child.
My husband and I arranged to have a young woman live rent-
free in our basement  in exchange for being our family helper.
She drives the kids to preschool,  cooks  dinner  occasionally,
and cleans the house.  This girl is a great fit, and we are hap-
py  to help her out as she goes to college.   But:  She  is  very
sexy,  and dresses in a way that leaves little  to  the  imagina-
tion:  Skin-tight leggings; spaghetti-strap tank tops with noth-
ing underneath.  I don't get the feeling from my husband that
he even notices,  but it  wigs  me  out.  Should I just acknow-
ledge this as no threat  and  work  on  my own insecurities or
ask her to cover up?
                                               `    Help Me with the Helper

Howard DeFerrari wrote Mon 12/8/14 @18:52 CST:

Think I went to high school with Cathy Lee Crosby.  When
a new school was built,  high rent district,  she transferred.
Oh,  well.  I wound up at Acalanes High School,  in Lafay-
ette;  she  went  to  Miramonte,  in Orinda  (both in Contra
Costa County,  California – across the Bay from San Fran-
cisco,  but north and east of Berkeley and Oakland,  which
are in Alameda County).  Think this may have changed my
life.

Publius Leget wrote Sun 12/7/14 @11:23 CST:

The latest from "the Wheat" – "If a frog had wings, it would-
n't wear its ass out hopping" – is that a tautology, a platitude,
or merely a statement of the obvious?

All of the above,  if  you will.  But it's a useful tautology,  in  rejoin-
der  to other tautologies.  For example,  when the card player wails
to his partner, "If I had had the ace of spades, I wouldn't have been
set,"  the partner brings up the frog in rebuttal.

And you only have to use the full expression once.  Thereafter  all
that need be said is,  "If a frog had wings . . . ."
                                                                                                Editor


Edwin Kagin (1940-2014) wrote September 12, 2005,  re Dear
Eleanor's remark that there are no atheists in hell:

The companion myth that there are no atheists in foxholes
has been proved untrue.

Thank you, our dear Edwin, we were hoping that someone would
make the comparison;  and we knew we could rely on you,  even
from beyond.  "Atheists in foxholes" is a somewhat different mat-
ter,  of  course:  A foxhole may seem like a living hell,  and  some
not fully committed atheists  will  turn  to  prayer  in that environ-
ment, under the "it can't hurt" rationale.  But the truly committed
atheist will rely on his own heroism, the heroism of his comrades,
and good fortune.  An atheist who finds himself in hell,  however,
knowing  he has already died,  and  believing  he is truly in Hell,
has, by operation of logic, reconfigured his belief  (if he does not
believe he is in hell,   of course,  he's still an atheist – so,  there's
your rebuttal to Dear Eleanor's proposition).

Dear Eleanor does not claim authorship of the phrase "There are
no atheists in hell," by the way.  She saw it on one of those letter-
board  signs  outside the Missionary Baptist Church  in  Browns-
ville, Kentucky.  We don't know who wrote it (but some attribute
it to the late British Particular Baptist preacher  Charles Haddon
Spurgeon, 1834-1892).
                                                                                              Editor

Jennifer  Lawrence  ("J-Law"),  native of Louisville,  swamped  Ken-
tucky's  senators,  Rand Paul and Mitch McConnell,  and  nosed  out
Taylor Swift in Time magazine's "Person of the Year" poll;  but none
of them made the final cut.   Here are the top five in the poll and the
magazine's short list  of  eight  (which did not include all the top five
in the poll). Taylor Swift made the cut to the final eight, but the "per-
son" of the year was (were?) the doctors, nurses,  ambulance drivers
and others fighting Ebola in Africa. . . .

Beam Suntory Inc.,  maker of Maker's Mark bourbon whiskey  in Lor-
etto, Ky., was sued by class action in federal court in San Diego, Cali-
fornia,  by two consumers who claimed that the  "handmade"  inscrip-
tion on the label  and the side label inscription  "Maker's Mark is Am-
erica's only handmade bourbon whisky, never mass produced" consti-
tute  false  advertising  under California's false advertising and unfair
competition  law  (our correspondent Wheatley wants to know which
other distillery has sponsored this lawsuit).

And  also  too,  as our friend Keith Durbin would say,  it's  misspelled.
"Whisky," without the "e," usually means Scotch or Canadian; "whis-
key"  is the spelling usually given to the American  and Irish  bevera-
ges.    – Editor

Lexington's most wanted: Jerry Eldridge, BM, 24, 6'1", 160 lbs; Ryan Bradley, featured fugitive of the week, WM, 20, 5'8", 160 lbs, theft by failure to make required disposition; KatieAnn Griffin, WF, 25, 5'5", 140 lbs; Tiffany Davis, WF, 34, 5'4", 150 lbs; Chelsea Owens, WF, 18, 5'5", 147 lbs; Shebrea Commodore, BF, 26, 5'3", 190 lbs; too bad KatieAnn did not show up in time to be listed in last week's Kathie/Cathy/Griffin/Gifford disambiguation panel, we'll add her (Herald-Leader)

The obituaries:

• Thomas "Tom Cat" Barrett, 59
• Randall "Randy" Bennett Jr., 53
  
• Desmond "Des" Brooks, 22
• Arthur L. "A. L." Brown Jr., 93
• Edward "Ed" Freedle, 71
• Mildred "Millie" Hill, 94
  
• Dorothy "Dot" McMurray, 92
• Robert D. "Dave" Orman Jr., 43
• Chester "Tuck" Tucker," 70
  
• Emmett N. "Wally" Wallace, 74
  
• Patricia "Patsy" Zorn, 78

                                                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"Let's just say I wasn't a choir boy when I was in college."
                                                                                                  – Rand Paul (but, did he inhale?)

"Thank God you can't sink this ship."
                                                              – message on 16 billboards being erected to pro-
                                                                 mote a replica of Noah's Ark and the Answers
                                                                 in Genesis theme park in Northern Kentucky
"Molotov!"
                        – Hanukkah greeting from Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker

Quotations of the Wheat: "If a cow gave butter you wouldn't have to chur n." – Leonard Simon

"That's fuckin' amazin'!"    – Darrell Pippin

"That's exactly right!"    – Rollie Renfrow

"And they think they're doin' it right."    – Jonell Carder

" 'at's not right."    – Clint Young

" 'aaat's right!"    – Darrell Riggs

Taylor Swift, 25
Erica Dahm, 37
Jaclyn Dahm, 37
Nicole Dahm, 37
Tracy Austin, 52
Kim Basinger, 61
Dionne Warwick, 74
David Gates, 75
Tom Hayden, 75
James Galway, 75
Connie Francis, 76
Dick Van Dyke, 89
Nedenia Marjorie Hutton ("Dina Merrill"), 90
Bob Barker, 91
Kirk Douglas, 98

John Milton (1608-1674); James I of Scotland (1394-1437)

Jerry Butler, 75
David Houston (1935-1993)
Jean Ritchie, 92

A policeman shot an unarmed black man to death in Phoe-
nix,  Arizona. . . . A white lady prosecutor quoted (but did
not sing or whistle) "Dixie"  in a closing  argument against
a black man on trial for sex offenses in Canyon County, I-
daho  (a public defender has appealed the  man's  20-year
sentence). . . . Robert  Mugabe  of Zimbabwe accused his
vice  president  of asking a witch doctor to cast a spell on
him.  . . .  LeBron James put his arm around Kate Middle-
ton,  Duchess of Cambridge,  in a photo op. . . . The two-
faced cat Frank and Louie died at 15 in Worcester,  Mas-
sachusetts. . . . North Koreans named  Kim Jong-un  (ex-
cept the dear leader) were ordered to change their names.
.  .  .  Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban  demanded
drug testing of journalists (and politicians). . . . Yellow tri-
angle badges were  issued  to  the  homeless  in  Marseille,
France.
                                                      [courtesy Harper's, AP]

The athletic director of little Western Kentucky University,
in  Bowling Green,  was scrambling to make sure all of his
football players had passports to be able to play in the "Ba-
hamas Bowl" against little Central Michigan University, of
Mount Pleasant, in Nassau at 12 noon Christmas Eve local
and Central Michigan time – Eastern,   or 11 a.m. Western
Kentucky time – Central  (Central Michigan,  at longitude
84.7675,  is west of Western Kentucky,  longitude 86.4444,
by the way).  Both teams have 7-5 season records, and met
two years ago in the  "Little Caesars Pizza Bowl"  (Detroit,
Michigan,  at 7:30 p.m. Eastern time, December 26, 2012),
won by Central Michigan, 24-21.

Duh.  Do any of our readers remember the days of anticipa-
tion of only four "bowl" games – the Sugar, the Cotton, the
Rose and the Orange  –  all played on New Year's Day  be-
fore the Orange Bowl moved to January 2  (it's now on De-
cember 31,  and it's not the "Orange Bowl"  any  more;  it's
the "Capital One Orange Bowl") – and how easy it was, in
those days, to figure out who was "national champion"?

Now there are 39  "bowl"  games  including three "College
Football Playoff championship"  games,  the  first  two  of
which might be characterized as  "pre-bowl"  games  New
Year's Day,  among four teams  (count 'em: 4 – cf. 64-plus
in NCAA basketball's "March Madness") selected by poll-
sters including Condoleezza Rice. "And they think they're
doin' it right."

My husband and I have been married more than 40 years.
We are retired, have no debts, and have a great family.

Due to age and medical conditions, my husband is almost
completely impotent; but he won't stop trying. I have done
everything I can think of to discourage him.   I dress mod-
estly day and night.   I rarely let him see me undressed.   I
turn off any TV program that makes any reference  to love
or sex  as soon as he comes into the room.  I never partici-
pate in any pastime that he enjoys.  I always make sure I'm
reading or applying hand lotion when I come to bed, and I
push him away any time he approaches me.  I don't answer
his inquiries as to why he is so repulsive to me or what he
could do to make his approaches less objectionable.  I do
not want it to be "better."  I want him to stop.

I suggested separate bedrooms,  and he said,  "Then move
out."  In spite of all this, every six or eight weeks he wants
to grope me for half the night.    He expects me to respond
– even to participate.  When I don't,  he gets upset,  moody
and sometimes terribly angry.  I have normal, sexually ori-
ented  dreams,  but I want him  to  leave  me  alone.  What
more can I do?
                                                                        `    Sick of It

The State Fair Coliseum,  site of an under-the-bleachers
propane explosion that killed 74 people in 1963, known
as the "Pepsi Coliseum" from 1991 until 2012, reopened
in April after 18 months of reconstruction and now home
to IUPUI (say "Ooey-Pooey") basketball  and  the  minor
league  hockey  team  "Indy Fuel,"  has been renamed the
"Indiana Farmers Coliseum" for the Indiana Farmers Mu-
tual  Insurance  Company,   which bought the right for ten
years for $6 million  (a big image of Garfield the Cat, In-
diana Farmers' mascot, will grace the roof). . . .

A Benton County farmer found the body of a 22-year-old
man ejected from a vehicle dead  in  his  corn  field  (his
car had rolled about 40 yards in from the highway). . . .

A 40-year-old Indianapolis man was sentenced to life in
prison  for shooting and killing a 23-year-old Indianapo-
lis woman to death in a corn field in Hancock County. . . .

Veterinarians were treating a coyote that jumped from the
fourth story of a parking garage in Gary and broke a leg.

                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Most wanted in South Bend: Sara Annis, WF, 5'9", 175 lbs, theft; Angela Nesbitt, BF, 5'9", 150 lbs, DUI; . . . and in Berrien County, Michigan: Chelsey Marie Clements, WF, welfare fraud; Robert Lee Corzine, WM, stalking Chelsey (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Obituaries:

• Anthony "Tony" Collie, 55
  
• Anthony "Tony" Cox, 60
• LuShawn "Lu" Crawford, 30
  
• Judith "Judy" Hamilton, 82
• Michael "Mike" Jones, 56
• Joseph "Joey" Lyvers, 47
  
• Charles "Charlie" Metcalf, 66
• John P. Son, 64
  
• James T. "J. T." Ward, 97
  

                                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Lexington's most wanted: Mya Gray, BF, 34, 5'3", 155 lbs, aggravated mobery; Andy Kwan, AM, 32, 5'4", 150 lbs, yellow peril second degree; Kayla Bess, BF, 25, 5'2", 110 lbs, cruelty to animals (Herald-Leader)

"I can't breathe. . . . I can't breathe. . . . I can't breathe. . . . I can't breathe. . . . I can't breathe. . . .
  I can't breathe. . . . I can't breathe. . . . I can't breathe. . . . I can't breathe. . . . I can't breathe. . . .
  I can't breathe. . . . "
                                          – Eric Garner

"Russia's currency is down nearly 5 per cent to the dollar this morning, conjuring bad
  memories of Russia's 1998 currency crisis."
                                                                           – David  Brancaccio,  American Public Media's
                                                                              Marketplace Morning Report for December 1

"Temperatures in the 50's today, dropping to the low 40's by
  sunset."
                    – Joe Corcoran,  morning announcer on WKYU-FM radio, Bowling Green,  Ky.  (it
                        was 50° at sunrise, and already down to 41 when he said this at 8:20 a.m. Monday,
                        December 1 – all he had to do was look out the studio window at the thermometer)

"What you were doing is allowing words to affect you more than listening to what was actually
  being said."
                        – Dr. Ben Carson, who thinks he may be a presidential candidate

A Frenchman was selling a pill he invented that
he says makes farts smell like chocolate.

Britney Spears, 33
Sarah Silverman, 44
Cathy Lee Crosby, 70
Harry Reid, 75
Dianne Lennon, 75
Lee Trevino, 75
Jean-Luc Godard, 84
Georges Seurat (1859-1891)

More than 13,000 Finns left the state Lutheran Church
in protest of recognition of gay marriage. . . . San Di-
ego State University fraternity brothers waved dildos
at  marchers  in  an  anti-rape  parade.  . . . Marijuana
merchants celebrated "Green Friday" in Colorado. . . .
Puns were outlawed in China. .  .  . Malaysia Airlines
apologized for "tweeting" "Want to go somewhere but
don't know where?" . . . Two school buses collided in
Knoxville, Tennessee,  killing two pupils and a teach-
er's aide and injuring 27 more pupils. . . . A horse pul-
ling an Amish buggy was killed in a drive-by shooting
in Lancaster County,  Pennsylvania. . . .  Axl Rose de-
nied that he had died.

    

Wanted in Wichita: Calvin T. Williams Jr., BM, 25, 5'6", 135 lbs, tattoos on both arms, aggravated mobery robbery (Wichita Eagle)

I am a middle school student, and one of my friends is
depressed.  She and her family are atheists,  and  they
have been harassed to the point  that  she  fears  dying
and going to hell.  We got her to the school counselor,
who told her she had made mistakes and needed to be
careful,  instead of recommending psychiatric care.  I
do not trust the school to help. What are we supposed
to do?
                                                                     Powerless

Every day is a bad hair day for Providence University basketball coach Ed Cooley (the speculation is that he has alopecia areata or vitiligo, but he has not said)

St. Louis police demanded discipline of the five players of
the local Rams National Football League team for going on
field displaying the "Hands up! Don't shoot!" gesture.

        titled "Hey;) It is dr. Xoasei!"