Stephen Yates wrote Sun 2/15/2015 @08:18 CST:

Had to get my TH online today.  I never got the email.

How timely.  We always post on line about 30 seconds before we e-mail.
Last Sunday's edition was uploaded at 08:12:25 CST,  e-mailed  at 08:14
(our e-mail is on a different clock and does not show seconds).    – Ed.


Stephen Yates wrote Sun 2/15/2015 @08:23 CST:

This Allen Pierce guy seems to think he is "The Dude,"  or maybe
"His Dudeness" – i.e., from The Big Lebowski.

Natty Bumppo wrote Sat 2/14/15 to the Louisville Couier-Journal:

Re the "stray horses" you reported in print  and  the "roaming
horses" you reported on line, devastating the plains of eastern
Kentucky, the correct terminology is:

• "wild horses,"
• "stray dogs,"
• "feral cats," and
• "Roaming in the Gloaming."
  

Putting one little word after another, and when did "emoticons"
become "emojis"?

Current hit songs to avoid:

"Diamond Rings and Old Barstools" (Tim McGraw)
"Something to Be Proud Of" (Montgomery Gentry)
"All Over the Road" (Easton Corbin)
"God Made Girls" ("RaeLynn")
"I Got a Car" (George Strait)
"Take It On Back" (Chase Bryant)

and countless others,   no doubt,   that we have not had the mis-
fortune to hear.   Just to give you one idea, "All Over the Road"
is about the guy's sweet honey  who  cannot keep her hands off
him while he's driving. It's time for those Nashville cats to quit
writing new songs and go back to what they had.

Celebrity lookalikes: John Simon, Orson Welles

A tanker truck spilled 300 gallons of raw sewage eight inches
deep on an I-65 exit ramp north of Lafayette; then it froze and
blocked the ramp several hours before highway crews hauled
it away in a dump truck. . . .

Three Purdue University students running for the West Lafay-
ette City Council, in a district encompassing the campus, were
required by the school to get permits  before knocking on dor-
mitory doors seeking votes,  and  to get a dorm staff escort  to
accompany them in each dorm. . . .

A woman was arrested for forgery in New Castle  for  faking
doctors' notes to excuse her 11-year-old son's repeated absen-
ces from school.
                                                  [courtesy Columbus Republic]

High school basketball games were postponed in Southern
Indiana because of the weather.
                                                            [the Courier-Journal]

Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Sandra Lacriesha Walker, theft of a credit card; Jack Michael Schram, maintaining a meth lab; Jennifer Jean Myers, assault on police officer (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

The State Senate passed a bill,  30-4,  to give students "freedom
of speech" to pray at school functions,  including athletic events
(the legislature is in session – but a bill to deter transgender stu-
dents from using the bathrooms of their choice  died in commit-
tee).
                                              [Associated Press, Huffington Post]

Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall (Camilla) were plan-
ning to visit Louisville, and the Courier-Journal was conducting a
poll of its readers to say where Bonnie Prince Charlie should have
a beer.

A foot of snow in three days,  a low of -12° (high of +12°),  and
a weather trailer on Channel 13 (WBKO-TV) news  in  Bowling
Green proclaiming "Edmonson County: CLOSED ALL WEEK"
(not  just  "Edmonson County schools"). . . . The storm was call-
ed "Snowmageddon" by the Louisville Courier-Journal. . . . The
annual "polar plunge" fund-raiser for the Special Olympics was
moved indoors for a "no splash bash" in Lexington. . . .The Har-
lan Police Department issued an arrest warrant  for  Queen  Elsa,
of Disney's Frozen.

[courtesy Courier-Journal, Herald-Leader, New York Daily News]

Lexington's most wanted: Danny Hall, WM, 26, 5'5", 190 lbs; Alexander Whitaker, WM, 27, 5'11", 160 lbs; Leon Banks Jr., BM, 51, 5'11", 180 lbs; Brandon Overpeck, WM, 24, 6'1", 165 lbs (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Indiana ranked 48th and Kentucky 49th among the 50 states in
the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index  (West  Virginia  came
in last). But Kentucky ranked 8th in church attendance (just be-
hind Tennessee – Utah led;  Vermont came in last;  Indiana  tied
for 14th with four other states).

  [Courier-Journal, Park City (Bowling Green, Ky.) Daily News]

" 'Death to America' is not meant to suggest harming American
  people.  This is just a slogan."
                                                               – Saleh Ali al-Sammad, the senior Houthi leader in Yemen

"Hello."
                    – Pussy Riot's Nadya Tolokonnikova, on NPR's Weekend Edition Saturday, in re-
                       sponse to host Scott Simon's welcome, "Thank you so much for being with us"

"I got those kids; they were after me, and I got them."
                                                                                             – Eric Nowsch, 19, accused in a "road
                                                                                                rage" shooting in Las Vegas, Nevada

" . . . every weekday afternoon, Monday through Thursday."

                                                                                     – Joe Corcoran, WKYU-FM, Bowling Green, Ky.

Quotations of the Wheat: "Peace and hypochristians." – Leonard Simon

"He cut a chobie."
                                    – C. H. Logsdon

David Lazarus, Los Angeles Times, david.lazarus@latimes.com, has entered this year's penis with ears lookalike contest! follow David Lazarus; . . . and perennial favorite Billy Donovan, University of Florida basketball coach, has entered again

                   

An infant in Hong Kong was diagnosed with "fetus-in-
fetu" as doctors found two of her  siblings  gestating in
her abdomen. . . . Zubair Khan, 28, a Pakistani, and Be-
ata Szilagyi, 33,  a Hungarian,  were arrested for immi-
gration  violation  in Hull, England,  when he could not
remember her name at a sham wedding. . . . A teacher
with a phobia of young children lost an appeal accusing
her Ohio district of failing to accommodate her disabili-
ty. . . . A teen-ager about to start working for a pizzeria
in  Mansfield,  Texas,  lost her job before it began after
profanely dreading its beginning on Twaddle Twitter. ...
Ninety thousand Italians signed a petition to outlaw re-
possession of cats.  . . .  A guilt-ridden thief returned a
kitten he had taken from a pet store in Roseville,  Min-
nesota. . . . A  beagle  from British Columbia won best
in show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show  in
New York.  .  .  .  A  Republican  politician  in  Michigan
shot herself in the eye – fatally – adjusting her bra hol-
ster.
                                        [courtesy Harper's, Snopes, AP]

I stayed at my cousin's home over the holidays.  She has
a daughter and a son.  The son is 14 years old.  I noticed
that the  boy's  grandmother  slept  with  him.   She con-
stantly touches him and rubs him on the back,  and she
has to sit next to him.    She pays very little attention to
the granddaughter, who is younger.  Worse,  the grand-
daughter  told  me  that  her  mother  also  sometimes
sleeps with her brother.

And this young man still sleeps with his  baby  blanket.
Isn't he too old for this?  And what is wrong with these
women?  Should I say something?
                                                          A Little Grossed Out

Yayuk Rahayu Add Friend

Hotties from Macy's in black and white, Thalia Sodi, Kensie, Calvin Klein

                                                                                    (happy Valentine's Day).

Roots and grafts:

Aside from the issue of whether "snowstorm" is one word or two, what
about "dayslong"?  The Hypochristian Dictionary defines it as the male
reproductive member in a "nooner," which is a common event in occur-
ences of snow storms. . . .

The recent arrest of the rapper Marion "Suge" Knight reminds us  that  the
diminutive of "Sugar" is unspellable!  Suge Sug Shug Shoog . . . .

The problem with the world today is that office supplies manufacturers have made staplers and staples too strong. An old-fashioned "destapler" will not remove them;  it  now  takes screwdri- vers, claw hammers, channel locks and various other heavy equipment,  and office injuries are skyrocketing. Write Nationwide.

Nolan Porterfield wrote Sun 2/8/15 @16:38 CST:

Idina Menzel the ugliest singer, etc.?   Rosanne???

Larry Petrey wrote Sat 2/7/15 to the Louisville Courier-Journal:

If Rand Paul becomes President, will taxes be voluntary?

Lexington's most wanted: Featured fugitive, Allen Pierce, WM, 46, 5'9:, 150 lbs, failure of registered sex offender to report new address; Jackie Stidham, WF, 37, 5'6", 160 lbs, firewater; Jackie George Jr., BM, 20, 6'1", 155 lbs, police will be looking for him at the penis with ears lookalike contest (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

A 15-year-old boy fell 300 feet from a cliff over Lake Cum-
berland  but  survived  when his coat snagged a tree limb on
the way down.
                                                                      [courtesy WAVE]

The state Supreme Court heard arguments to decide whether
teen-agers both under the age of consent  can  be  prosecuted
for consensual sex with each other.
                                                              [courtesy USA Today]

Louisville celebrated Valentine's Day with an "undie run."

Kentucky's state veterinarian banned imports of captive deer
from Indiana over concern about chronic wasting disease.

                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

"It's incumbent on us as citizens to cover up whatever we don’t want filmed in public places."

                                 – Mark Lawrence, attorney at law, who successfully defended an Oregon man
                                    prosecuted for "upskirt" photography of a 13-year-old girl in a Target store

"This might not be for her."
                                                             – Los Angeles Clippers guard Chris Paul, on Lauren Holtkamp's
                                                                employment as a National Basketball Association referee

"Here are the numbers: 23, 39, and 66."
                                                                                 – David Brancaccio, Marketplace Morn-
                                                                                    ing Report, American Public Media

"Journalists, like a pack of wolves, are trying to take down Brian Williams."
                                                                                                                                                    – Mia Farrow

"There's a lot less chance of any lethality."
                                                                                    – Pat Hurt,  of Barren River Area Safe Space,  en-
                                                                                       dorsing Kentucky "dating protection" legislation

Quotations of the Wheat: "Peace and hippies." – Leonard Simon

"He was nervous as a whore in church."
                                                                        – C. H. Logsdon

Putting one little word after another, and why would this writer allow his photograph to run with his column? David Lazarus, Los Angeles Times, follow David Lazarus david.lazarus@latimes.com

Wanted in Wichita: Billy J. Gayer, WM, 39, 5'10", 190 lbs, tattoos face, chest, both arms, possession of narcotics (Wichita Eagle)

A Cub Scout pack took a hike through a nudist beach in
San Diego,  California. . . . Cops who busted a pizza de-
livery man in Oswego, Illinois, delivered the pizza (they
protect and serve). . . .Two imams were executed in Mo-
sul  (by firing squad)  for condemning an IS (ISIS, ISIL)
execution  (by fire). . . . An Irani cleric said IS (ISIS, IS-
IL) was created by Western nations  to promote "an ugly
picture of Islam." . . . Seductresses  from  outside helped
two dozen Brazilians escape from prison. . . . A  man  in
Japan  was  arrested  for drugging and raping  a  hun-
dred women in a clinical sleep study. . . . The mother,
aunt and grandmother of a 6-year-old boy  they  consid-
ered dangerously nice to strangers engaged a co-worker
of the aunt to kidnap the boy in Lincoln County, Missou-
ri,  and threaten to nail him to a wall. . . . Firemen res-
cued a horse stuck in a bathtub in Orangevale,  Califor-
nia. . . . Police in Beaver Dam, Wisconsin, asked a wo-
man with a baby kangaroo to leave a McDonald's.  . . .
An owl was decapping joggers at a city park in Salem,
Oregon. . . . Thousands of cats smuggled into Vietnam
for food were buried alive  (here's your frightened cute
kitty photolink,  Jan). . . . A monkey fell into a pond at
the zoo in Bristol, England, and was eaten by otters. . . .
A warty pig named Elvis ate his mate's piglets and their
mother at the same zoo.  . . . Two men beat up monkeys
with sticks at the zoo in Alexandria, Egypt,  and ate the
monkeys' bananas. . . . Little Wang,  a 19-year-old Chi-
naman, chopped off his left hand in an effort to end his
internet addiction. . . . An airline crew drew a dick and
balls in the snow at the airport in Dublin, Ireland.

                                      [courtesy Harper's, Snopes, AP]

  

Lauren Holtkamp, hottie / rookie National Basketball Association referee, called a technical foul on the L..A. Clippers' Chris Paul, who was fined $25,000 by the league for questioning her creds (ESPN)

Other basketball hotties: Shelbi Hendricks, Washington & Lee (in her high school days, at Louisville, Ky., Country Day); Devanny King, Georgetown (Ky.) College (from Medina Ohio)

I would like to know why frail, elderly people get to
"choose to stay in their homes" while the rest of the
family  runs  in  circles  trying  to meet  their  needs.
This  is  like  asking  a  2-year-old whether he wants
his broccoli.
                                                                       Stressed

Dhieta Sasta Add Friend

Dhieta Sasta

Honkin de Spain wrote Mon 1/26/15:

Translation, please: "Snoppen och snippan."

The article on the Swedish video of penises and vaginas dan-
cing and bopping along to music did not say, but Free Trans-
lation On Line renders it "penis and snippan."  We think you
will get the idea.    – Ed.


Gary Logsdon wrote Mon 2/2/15 @17:00 CST:

So, who paid for Fiat's Super Bowl commercial?  Fiat,
or Viagra?  (or both?) . . . .

Nolan Porterfield wrote Sun 2/1/15 @22:06 CST:

Stupid ad lines that capitalist running dogs think will
impress stupid us:

Delta:  "Keep climbing."
Ford:  "Go further."
Zillow:  "Find your way home."
Subaru:  "Love:  It's what makes a Subaru a Subaru."
Nationwide Insurance:  "Make safe happen."
Staples:  "Make more happen."
Unisys:  "You can't hack what you can't see."
Ooma ("ooma"):  "The smart phone for your business."
Capital One:  "What's in your wallet?"
Independence Bank:  "We believe banking should be fair and honest"
    (the stupidest of the stupid – why would anyone put money in a
     bank that believes banking should be unfair and dishonest?).

My ad line to the wise ad people:  "Take your job and shove it."

Roots and grafts:    

"Love:  It's what makes a Subaru,  a Subaru."  That's how it appears
 in print in the ads (with a comma), and that's the way it's said in ra-
 dio and TV commercials (with a pause).  WRONG!  (Note that Mr.
 Porterfield, even though panning it, punctuated it correctly.)

Would you say, "That's what makes me, happy"?  Would a certain
 former President say, "That's what makes me,  Bill Clinton?"  Or,
 "That's what makes Bill Clinton, Bill Clinton?"   No.  The former
 by Bill Clinton, perhaps,  if he meant "Bill Clinton" as an apposi-
 tive – i.e., "That's what makes me – I'm Bill Clinton."

But the second "Subaru" in the quoted ad line is a form of what is
 called a "close appositive."  A normal (or "loose") appositive is a
 mere modifier that can, technically, be dispensed with – e.g., "my
 dog,  Tige" (or Tom Brady's "wife, Gisele" in the headline above).
 But a "close" appositive  is necessary to the meaning of the utter-
 ance, cannot be dispensed with, and is not set off with a pause or
 a comma – e.g., "my dog Lion" (differentiating him from Tige or
 others).  A good precedent for the Subaru construction is to "call
 a spade a spade"  (which is not racist in origin, by the way; it can
 be traced to the ancient Greek, predating American Negro slavery
 by centuries).  Close appositive.  No comma.  

It's a bit similar to indirect object / direct object – no  comma  in
 between:  "Do me a favor."  "Make me happy."  "Harry gave me
 the flu."  "Tige gave me a bite."  "I gave my Subaru a paint job."
 "God gave my baby girl a baby girl."

Dumb news from Indiana:

Michelle Ladd, 41, a teacher in Miami County, was arrested for having sex with two 17-year-old boys and giving them thousands of dollars' worth of gifts, including alcohol, guns and cars. She began her affair with the first boy five years ago (that's when he was 17) when she and her husband hired him to work on their farm (Indianapolis Star)

A New Castle man with hepatitis C who spit blood into a
policeman's face got 3 years in prison for battery by bod-
ily waste. . . .

The Indianapolis man  who reported his 6-week-old ba-
by abducted by strangers last August  was  arrested  for
murdering the child, and police said the descriptions he
gave of the abductors yielded sketches of  thugs  in  the
video game Grand Theft Auto. . . .

The Humane Society of Indianapolis  dumped  GoDad-
dy for a new web site host  over the puppies ad GoDad-
dy prepared for the Stupid Bowl but pulled. . . .

A bill was under consideration in the House Elections
Committee to allow absentee ballots to count  even  if
the voters who sent them in die  before  Election  Day
(the legislature is in session). . . .

The  John  Dillinger  Museum  will  open  March 3 in
Crown Point. . . .

An Associated Press article on plans by civic leaders to
improve Terre Haute's image makes no  mention  of the
city's sordid past as a haven for whore houses and polit-
ical corruption  (nor  does  a linked article  in  the Terre
Haute Tribune-Star).
                                         [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Kimberly Watson Ervin, interfering with electronic communications; Nycole Elaine Kent, welfare fraud; Brooke Ann Rodriguez, larceny in a building, credit card theft, concealing stolen property, and wanted for being hot (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

           

Wykenna Hilohi Swift, witness intimidation (and botched head transplant); Wanted in Elkhart, Indiana, Kurt Dwain Eby, 6'4", 250 lbs, theft

The Answers in Genesis ministry sued the state for $18 mil-
ion in tax incentives denied  for its construction of a Noah's
Ark  theme  park,  claiming an infringement of freedoms of
speech and religion.
                                                    [courtesy Washington Post]

A "golden alert" was issued for a missing 83-year-old Madi-
son County man (how long has this been going on?).

                                                                    [courtesy WKYT]

Thousands of wild horses grazing on reclaimed surface coal
mines  were  impeding  traffic,  damaging crops and houses
and concerning animal lovers in eastern Kentucky. . . .

A misspelled horse, American Pharoah, will compete in this
year's Kentucky Derby (or maybe that's just the way Ameri-
cans spell pharaoh).
                                                           [courtesy  Courier-Journal]

District Court news: Zachariah Dylan Mesker, evading po-
lice, wanton endangerment, pleaded  not  guilty;  Zackery
Robert Woodcock, evading police, wanton endangerment,
criminal  mischief,   reckless  driving,   improper  passing,
pleaded not guilty;  Zakary N. Bossom Caldeira, speeding,
failing to notify Department of Transportation of address
change, pleaded guilty.
                                                            [courtesy Edmonson News]

The value of inmate labor provided by the Simpson Coun-
ty Jail in Franklin  to city, county, schools and nonprofit a-
gencies was valued at $1.1 million last year.    But  the  in-
mates  don't  get  paid,  and they are billed  for  room  and
board once they are freed, at up to $50 a day.  "Think of it
as  student loans,"  commented  Tabloid  Headlines'  legal
correspondent, Brownsville, Ky., lawyer Gary S. Logsdon.
"Or Nazi death camps.  'Arbeit macht frei'."

              [courtesy Park City Daily News, Bowling Green, Ky.]

"If you keep those inmates inside a building,
 they're not going to learn anything."
                                                                            – Simpson County (Ky.) Jailer Eric Vaughn

"Police investigating death of 19-year-old Monroe County man; no foul play suspected."

                                     – Lexington Herald-Leader  (putting one little word after another and,
                                         ah, er, if no "foul play" is suspected, why are the police investigating?)

Quotations of the Wheat: "When you have to shit, nothing else matters." – Leonard Simon

"He's tore up like a sow's bed."
                                                        – C. H. Logsdon

                   

Secretary of State John Kerry was fined $50 for not
shoveling the snow beside his home in Boston. . . .
A British Lord speaking in Parliament blamed the
rise of IS (ISIS, ISIL) on Snapchat and WhatsAPP.
.  .  . Rand Paul, Carly Fiorina, Sarah Palin, Hillary
Clinton and Chris Christie  said vaccination should
be voluntary (and Barack Obama was not so sure in
2008). . . .  "Black History Month"  (February)  was
celebrated by someone at a high school in South Ca-
rolina who painted "Happy Nigger Month" on a rock
outside the school in Rock Point,  signing  it  "KKK."
. . .  A 29-year-old Romanian who offered to sell his
virginity got no offers.  . . .  A 3-year-old boy reach-
ing for an I-Pod pulled a gun from his mother's purse
and shot his father in  the  butt  and his mother in the
shoulder  in Albuquerque,  New Mexico  (both  with
one bullet). .  .  .  A Florida teen-ager playing with a
gun shot himself in the dick.  . . . The Federal Trade
Commission came down on a man charging women
money to remove nude photos of them he had post-
ed on the internet. . . .  A convict sued Taylor Swift
for telling his life story in her 1989 songs. . . . Lind-
say Lohan and her mother sued Fox News, Michelle
Fields and Sean Hannity for saying they did coke to-
gether. . . . Did you know that Miley Cyrus is a sing-
er,  songwriter  and  actress?  (and  all this time  we
thought she was merely a celebrity). . . . The  Penta-
gon concluded in 2008  that Vladimir Putin has As-
perger's syndrome.

[courtesy Harper's, Snopes, HuffPost, Raw Story, AP]

Wanted in Wichita: Angela S. Thompson, WF, 33, 5'2", 160 lbs, a/k/a Angela Jarboe, scars on left leg, right arm, tattoos on both shoulders: Burglary

My daughter and her husband are using a surrogate
to have their first child.  What do I do for a shower?

                                                                                  Grandma

Nationwide Insurance  had the  dumbest  Stupid  Bowl
commercial – bring back GoDaddy's puppies (but nev-
er mind, it was not as dumb as the Katy Perry halftime
show). . . .

  
Idina Menzel's rendition of the National Anthem at the
Stupid Bowl was typically blasphemous, but not extra-
ordinary.  The true travesty lay in the fact that she was
perhaps the ugliest singer ever to deliver the Star Span-
gled Banner at a major sporting event.

Publius Leget wrote Sun 1/25/15 @11:55 CST:

How 'bout we do establish the second Monday of October
as "Indigenous Peoples Day"  (or call it "Native American
Day"  or "Honest Injun Day" or "Redskin Day,"  whatever)
and return Columbus Day to October 12?  And every sev-
en years, on average (beginning this year,  when October
12 falls on the second Monday of the month) they would
get together, as they mighta shoulda to begin with.

Dzioreta Sekretarka wrote Mon 1/26/15 @09:30 CST:

And people still get into taxicabs in New York?

Wiley Erudice wrote Tues 1/27/15 @07:10 EST:

Maybe the reason we say "pre-war" instead of
"ante-war"  is  that the latter would sound like
"anti-war."

Roots and grafts:     

Contrary to what you may have heard on the radio and TV,  not  all
storms in the Northeast are "nor'easters."  A "nor'easter" (small
n)  is a wind that  blows  from  the  northeast  (small n);  and the
"northeast"  in  that  definition   means  the  direction  the  wind
comes  from,  not  the  section of the United States that is known
as the Northeast (capital N).   It's  sailors'  jargon,  and it's in the
dictionary  (where it is listed also spelled in full – "northeaster,"
without apostrophe).  Last  week's  Northeastern  storm  in  the
news, like most weather, came from the west.

Ms. Plus America:   


Dumb news from Indiana:

Governor Mike Pence' mother said Mikey is not ready to run for
President. . . .

Governor Mikey announced plans to launch a state news service,
"Just IN,"  then ditched the idea after a groundswell of criticism,
including "Pravda on the Plains: Indiana's New Propaganda Ma-
chine" from the Atlantic.
                                                          [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Angie's  List  made a pitch for $18 million in government funds
to help finance expansion of its headquarters in Indianapolis. . . .

Bloomington was shielding its parking meters from  cow  crow
droppings. . . .

A committee in the state House of Representatives passed a bill
to exempt Amish from photos on their driver's licenses. . . . An-
other committee entertained a bill to allow  nursing  homes  and
retirement communities to serve alcoholic beverage without a li-
cense. . . . (The legislature is in session.) . . .

In a plea bargain a 43-year-old New Castle woman got 2½ years
in prison for biting a policeman (other charges, including battery
by bodily waste, were dropped).
                                                        [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Clarksville (pop. 21,000), an across-the-river suburb of Louis-
ville,  Ky.,  was ranked the second most dangerous city in Indi-
ana  by  Movoto Real Estate,  behind  Gary,  and the sixth most
dangerous suburb in the United States,  behind  Miami  Beach,
Florida,  and others.
                                                                [courtesy the Courier-Journal]
 

South Bend's most wanted: Shannon Dixon, WF, 5'3", 150 lbs, theft; Eby Corbin, WM, 6'2", 145 lbs, cocaine; Bianca Wine, BF, 5'5", 120 lbs, marijuana, common nuisance (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

The new majority whip in the House of Representatives, Dem-
ocrat Johnny Bell of Glasgow,  was accused by a former legis-
lative staffer of illegally obtaining Xanax,  keeping moonshine
in his office, and wanting sex. . . .

A bill in the legislature would give foreign language credit to
students completing courses in  computer  code  (the General
Assembly is in session).
                                                        [courtesy Courier-Journal]

A high school girl engaged in a fight  fell  out  of  a  moving
school bus as it made a turn in Louisville.
                                                                      [courtesy WDRB]

Grayson County's teen-aged "Bonnie and Clyde" got their pit-
tures in the National Enquirer.
                                                      [courtesy National Enquirer]

Alice-in-Wonderland's Groin Alison Lundergan Grimes, who
lost last year's Senate election to  Mitch  McConnell,  made a
big deal out of filing for re-election as Kentucky Secretary of
State.
                                              [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

"I'm here so I won't get fined."
                                                             – Marshawn Lynch, 21 times, at Super Bowl "Media Day"

"To be quite honest, I prefer waffles."
                                                                         – Brooke Pancake

"I was asked to hold a hot potato, and I did that."

                              – Antonis Samaras, former prime minister of Greece

"Good news!  They're now going to send me to investigate the prison-industrial complex."

                                       – journalist Barrett Brown, sentenced to five years in prison in Texas for
                                          leaking information hacked from the private intelligence firm Stratfor

"The Kentucky State Police is about 100 troopers short of its authorized
 staffing level."
                                   – the Associated Press, and Joe Corcoran, WKYU-FM, Bowling Green, Ky.

"Kentucky State Police has trooper shortage."
                                                                                           – Lexington Herald-Leader

    [Roots and grafts:  Come on, folks; "police" is a collective plural noun, accord-
        ing to all reputable dictionaries.  "The police  are  short of their authorized
        staffing."  If you want to use "is," "its" and "has,"  say "police force" (or "po-
        lice department").]

"[The late former Kentucky Governor and Senator Wendell] Ford's body lied in state
   in the Capitol rotunda for several hours Sunday."
                                                                                                        – Joe Corcoran

    [Roots and grafts:  I.e., did the late politician "lie like a rug"?  Or, "Let sleeping
        politicians lie"?  Never mind; let's just let sleeping dogs lay. . . .]

"They are being fair.  They no longer want money."

            – Kenji Goto, the Japanese hostage initially spared beheading by IS (ISIS, ISIL),but yet held for the
               release of a Jordanian prisoner and not for $200,000,000  (and eventually beheaded nonetheless)

"We've got our bread; we've got our milk; we've got our water; we've got my mother coming
  over today, and I'd ask every Rhode Islander to do that."
                                                                                                                    – Governor Gina Raimondo

"I don't vaccinate my child because it's my right to decide what eliminated diseases
 come roaring back."
                                                – Andrea Martin (in the Onion)

Quotations of the Wheat: "Her legs made a perfect ass of themselves." – Leonard Simon

"I have a load backed up."
                                                – Shawn French (whose ass would shame a Missouri mule)

Republican  Roger Wicker  of Mississippi  was  the  only
Senator to vote against a resolution "that climate change
is real and not a hoax"  (even Senator Jim Inhofe of Ok-
lahoma voted aye). .  .  . Four  prisoners  protesting their
treatment in New Guinea  swallowed  razor  blades  and
another 20 sewed their mouths shut in a hunger strike. ...
A hermaphroditic Chihuahua  underwent sex change
surgery in Idaho,  and  a  hermaphroditic  kitten  was
scheduled for surgery in Newfoundland. . . . Male run-
way models exposed their penises in Paris. . . . Chem-
ists  managed  to  unboil  egg  whites. . . . New Hamp-
shire was selling bacon-scented lottery tickets.

                                                    [courtesy Harper's, AP]

Wanted in Wichita: Sherry M. Snow, WF, 43, 5'8", 200 lbs, burglary and theft (Wichita Eagle)

Marshawn Lynch, running back for the National Foot-
balls League's Seattle Seahawks,  was  fined  $20,000
last season for grabbing his crotch in the end zone, in
a touchdown celebration,  and $100,000  for avoiding
interviews with the media. . . .

With Super Bowl XLIX (that's 49 if translating Roman
numerals tires you)  only  hours  away  now,  the long-
shot betting was on the  Indianapolis  Colts,  who still
had a shot at getting into the game  against  Seattle  if
the  NFL  would  just  rule  on the penalty for the New
England Patriots' using deflated footballs  two weeks
ago in their American Football Conference champion-
ship victory over the Colts  (a  forfeit  would  put  the
Colts in the Super Bowl).

My  boyfriend  and I are in our 60's  and  have  known
each other since high school.  We reconnected 5 years
ago and have been living together the last 18 months.

At first my boyfriend was loving and sweet  and  prom-
ised all sorts of dreams for our future. But after several
months he changed.  He became distant,  sometimes e-
ven cruel.  I begged him to tell me if there was another
woman; but he always denied it, in spite of rumors and
the fact things just seemed off.

I still have moments I’m convinced he had a fling with
a certain woman, and I can’t get over it. He still denies
it, and I am confused and hurt.  But when I ask, he will
respond by withdrawing from me for months.

I believe he did have an affair  and never got over her,
and that’s why we have so little intimacy now.  I have
been praying  and am seeing a counselor,  but  I  can’t
seem to let it go.  Is there something wrong with me?

                                                                      Louise in Louisville

           

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