February 28, 2016:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – the week's headlines
:
One child left behind ("Jeb" Bush)
One child left behind ("Jeb" Bush)
TV whistleblowers tell all, Judge Judy court is rigged, show is a hoax, no one loses, even those found guilty get paid (Globe); Justice Scalia was murdered (Enquirer); Andy Griffith was murdered (Examiner); What your kitten would say if it could talk, 'sponsored content' (a certain cat food) (Enquirer)
TV whistleblowers tell all, Judge Judy court is rigged, show is a hoax, no one loses, even those found guilty get paid (Globe); Justice Scalia was murdered (Enquirer); Andy Griffith was murdered (Examiner); What your kitten would say if it could talk, 'sponsored content' (a certain cat food) (Enquirer)


LETTERS to the EDITOR
:
Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 2/21/16 @01:12 PST
re the "All Writs Law":
Bravo,  Apple!   Glad to hear someone is
trying to protect personal privacy.

Unisex name of the week:  Joyce.


Dumb news from Indiana:
The state Senate adopted a resolution to name a 16-mile stretch
of I-65 through Seymour "John Mellenkamp Way." . . .

Three Manchester University students from Africa were killed
and a fourth was injured when, standing outside their disabled
car on I-69 in Grant County, they were struck by a van, driven
by a man later charged with DUI and reckless homicide. . . .

A bill sponsored by 22 of the 31 women in the state legislature
was adopted replacing "he," "his" and "him"  in  statutes  spell-
ing out official duties with the name  of  the  office  (e.g.,  "The
Attorney General is the chief law officer of the state  .  .  .  and
when  requested  shall provide the attorney general's written o-
pinion  .  .  .  ").   The  bill  passed  without  a  dissenting vote.
Five of the state's seven statewide offices are  held  by  wom-
en.
                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Enrique Otey, BM, 5'3", 145 lbs, residential entry; Latonya Polite, BF, 6'0", 250 lbs, identity deception, false informing, possession of marijuana; Jennifer Scott, WF, 5'8", 150 lbs, forgery, firewater abuse; Christopher McAllister, WM, 6'1", 185 lbs, forgery, FTA (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
South Bend's most wanted: Enrique Otey, BM, 5'3", 145 lbs, residential entry; Latonya Polite, BF, 6'0", 250 lbs, identity deception, false informing, possession of marijuana; Jennifer Scott, WF, 5'8", 150 lbs, forgery, firewater abuse; Christopher McAllister, WM, 6'1", 185 lbs, forgery, FTA (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A "home Bible study director" for the Greater Faith Apos-
tolic Church in Lexington  was charged with the rape of a
16-year-old girl he had nurtured since she was 10.

                                                    [courtesy Herald-Leader]

ead more here: http://www.kentucky.com/news/local/counties/fayette-county/article61934297.html#storylink=cpy
Dr. Parson, even after South Carolina and Nevada, leads all
Republican candidates for President in Kentucky  in  "likes"
on Clutterbook Facebook (he leads Burnie Sandman, too).

                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Parents in Kentucky and Southern Indiana were  hiring  the
"Last Chance K9 Service"  to send dogs into their teen-age
children's rooms sniffing for drugs.
                                                         [courtesy Parent Herald]

Edmonson News, page 6, February 17, 2016, Brownsville, Ky.; Congratulations to Edmonson County Middle School's February 2016 Students of the Month - 8th grader Caitlan Poteet (left) and 7th grader Chaz Wilson (right), pictured with Principal Brandon Prunty - and a brand new way to spell Caitlyn / Caitlin / Katelyn / Katelin / Catelyn / Catelin -- now, Caitlan! Maybe Caitlyn etc. is a variant of Brittany / Britany / Britney / Brittney / Britni / Brittni / Britny / Britainy etc. And, Chaz?! We are not even going there! (We're not so sure about Brandon, either -- we found it in a baby names book, but only as a variant of Brendan; and we found neither of those in a dictionary.) - Editor, Tabloid Headlines
Edmonson News, page 6, February 17, 2016, Brownsville, Ky.; Congratulations to Edmonson County Middle School's February 2016 Students of the Month - 8th grader Caitlan Poteet (left) and 7th grader Chaz Wilson (right), pictured with Principal Brandon Prunty - and a brand new way to spell Caitlyn / Caitlin / Katelyn / Katelin / Catelyn / Catelin -- now, Caitlan! Maybe Caitlyn etc. is a variant of Brittany / Britany / Britney / Brittney / Britni / Brittni / Britny / Britainy etc. And, Chaz?! We are not even going there! (We're not so sure about Brandon, either -- we found it in a baby names book, but only as a variant of Brendan; and we found neither of those in a dictionary.) - Editor, Tabloid Headlines

Quotations of the week:
"Make the whole country seethe with a high-pitched campaign for producing greenhouse
 vegetables."
                                one of 375 new slogans composed for North Korea's Workers Party Congress

"God knows I'm a Hall-of-Famer."
                                                                        Barry Bonds

Quotations of the weak:
"There are dozens and dozens and dozens of states that follow."

                              Burnie Sandman  (that's at least 72,  not counting Iowa, New Hampshire and
                                 Nevada that had already been – and, children, just how many states are there?)

"And what happens is you get hepatitis C, tuberculosis, AIDS, HIV, the ziki fly, all these other foreign
 type of diseases that find a way to our land."
                                                                                – Governor  Paul  LePage,  complaining  that
                                                                                   asylum seekers are Maine's biggest problem
Quotations of the Wheat:
"I stopped at the Corner Market to get some rubbers, and the lady said, 'Do you want a
 bag with those?' and I said, 'No, thanks, she's not that ugly'."

– Leonard Simon


Misnomers that need a nap:
Senator Rand Paul said it would be a "conflict of interest" for President Obama to appoint
a Supreme Court justice before the end of his term, to fill the vacancy left by the death of
Antonin Scalia,  because  it  would  garner Obama support for challenged executive initia-
tives.  Funny way to spell "confluence of interests."

Funny beer brands:  Angry Orchard.

                                                                    Stacy Hooks, 38, a math teacher at a middle school in Sebring, Florida, was arrested for having sex with a 14-year-old boy who was in one of her classes (where were these hot babes when I was in school? - Editor) (New York Daily News)

Birthdays:
                    February 22:  Julius Erving, 66
                                           Mar ni Nixon, 86
                                           [NOT George Washington (Feb. 11, 1732, Julian, to Dec. 14, 1799, Gregorian)]
                    February 23:  Ed "Too Tall" Jones, 65
                    February 24:  Fred Dean, 64 (the football player, not Frederick of East Hollywood)
                                          
Joanie Sommers, 75
                    February 25:  Ralph Stanley, 89
                                           George Harrison (1943-2001)
                                           Pierre-Auguste Renoir (1841-1919)
                    February 26:  Antoine "Fats" Domino, 88
                    February 27:  Josh Groban, 35
                                           Ralph Nader, 82
                                           Joanne Woodward, 86
                    February 28:  Bernadette Peters, 68
Pierre-Auguste Renoir (1841-1919)

Deaths:
                Sonny James, 87
                Antonin Scalia
, 79
                Yvonne "Von" Boone, 61
                Suk Jack, 68
                Norma Newby Yankey, 79
                                                                    [Louisville Courier-Journal]


                Most wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Dennis Dewayne Sanders, WM, failure to pay child support; Rene Marie Smithers-McCluskey, WF, assault with a dangerous weapon; Jack Leeroy Burks, WM, failure to register as sex offender, 2nd offense (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Most wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Dennis Dewayne Sanders, WM, failure to pay child support; Rene Marie Smithers-McCluskey, WF, assault with a dangerous weapon; Jack Leeroy Burks, WM, failure to register as sex offender, 2nd offense (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Tap  water  was  running  black  in  Crystal  City,  Texas
(where the mayor, the city manager, the mayor pro tem-
pore, two of the three city councilman and a former city
councilman were arrested by the FBI for bribery).  .  .  .
radio preacher  was accused of slapping a woman on
the butt at a Target  in Toledo,  Ohio  (and was found to
have the sharp end of a screwdriver in his pocket  and a
jar of Vaseline in his sock). . . . A monkey was captured
after drinking at a bar  in  Paraiba,  Brazil,  and  chasing
patrons with a knife.  . . .  A postman was trapped in his
truck by wild turkeys in Hillsdale, New Jersey. . . . Mal-
achi A. Love-Robinson, 18, of West Palm Beach, Flori-
da,  was arrested  a  third  time  for practicing medicine
without a license (he said he had a Ph.D., but he would
not say in what  or from where  –  "That is not the issue
here," he said).
                                      [courtesy Harper's,
Raw Story]

Faith:
Mr. Jesus World (statue in Korea)
Mr. Jesus World (statue in Korea)

The sports:
"Black Lives Matter"  demonstrators  far  outnumbered
three protesters of Beyond-Say's  Black Panther  Super
Bowl  halftime show  outside National Football League
headquarters in New York.

The movies:  Torrid
     
Capsule  review: 
A girl may need
   to keep  control  of  her  weight
   to be hot, but she does not have
   to to be torrid!

Dear Eleanor:

My boy friend and I have been together for three years.  We
are both 29.


When we have a fight, the first thing he does is text-message
my parents and tell them everything.  I have asked him many
times please not
to involve them;  we are adults  and  should
be able to handle our problems without interference from my
parents.  I never have, and never would, complain
about him
to his mother.


His response is always "I can involve whoever I want." Who
is right?
                                                               Hurt in Santa Maria
Dear Maria:
                         Your boy friend is wrong.  It's  "whomever,"  not
                         "whoever."
 
        
Music:
College student unclear on the concept of folk music (Phi Delta Theta photo)

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from
 "Krasimira.Koeva@globalcar.toyota.bg"
        titled "ghost faucet inherent."



DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Jacqueline Froe-
lich.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"
Karen Crockett


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270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



February 21, 2016:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – the week's headlines
:


Found: Skyjacker D. B. Cooper, secret new life in Nepal (Globe); Princess Diana was murdered, survived Paris tunnel crash but died of fatal injection in ambulance on way to hospital, and Prince Charles hired the assassin (Globe); Comrade Berned, Bernie Sanders a Putin plant (Enquirer)
Found: Skyjacker D. B. Cooper, secret new life in Nepal (Globe); Princess Diana was murdered, survived Paris tunnel crash but died of fatal injection in ambulance on way to hospital, and Prince Charles hired the assassin (Globe); Comrade Berned, Bernie Sanders a Putin plant (Enquirer)
                                    

LETTERS to the EDITOR
:

stephenyates@windstream.net wrote Sun 2/14/16 @15:43 CST:

Simeon Spears is Ben Carson's "love child" out of Britney
Spears (named for his godfather, Leonard Simeon).

Department of fuller explanation:
Here's what National Public Radio and other news media did  not
tell you about the "1789 law" relied upon by the judge who order-
ed Apple to write  special  software  to gain access to the data on
the San Bernardino terrorist's I-phone:  It's  the  "All  Writs  Act,"
which states,
The  Supreme  Court  and  all courts established by Act of Con-
gress may issue all writs  necessary  or  appropriate  in aid of
their respective jurisdictions and agreeable to the usages and
principles of law.

Unisex name of the week:  Joey.


Dumb news from Indiana:
A 24-year-old female assistant at a nursing home in
Michigan City was suspended for posting  on  Slap-
crap
  Snapchat  a  video  of  an 85-year-old woman
sitting on a chair in the shower  and  being  sprayed
with water.
                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Ten persons were taken to hospitals  as  40  vehicles
crashed  on  snowy  I-65  north of Indianapolis,  and
another 30 vehicles crashed on I-74 between Greens-
burg and Shelbyville.
                                       [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

An 18-year-old Asian girl attending Brown County High
School was slashed in the back with a hatchet  in  down-
town Nashville  by a man bent on "ethnic cleansing."

                            [courtesy Bloomington Herald-Times]

Berrien County, Michigan's, most wanted: Lewerren Downdrell Washington, BM, assault with a dangerous weapon, larceny; South Bend's Chinderia Cole, BF, 5'1", 125 lbs, assisting a criminal (Michiana Crime Stoppers); Berrien County: Cameron James Stanton, WM, possession of a credit card without consent, and too damn pretty to be in the jail's men's section
Berrien County, Michigan's, most wanted: Lewerren Downdrell Washington, BM, assault with a dangerous weapon, larceny; South Bend's Chinderia Cole, BF, 5'1", 125 lbs, assisting a criminal (Michiana Crime Stoppers); Berrien County: Cameron James Stanton, WM, possession of a credit card without consent, and too damn pretty to be in the jail's men's section

Dumb news from Kentucky:
The Rabbit Hash General Store was destroyed by fire.

                                            [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Attorney General Andy Beshear and wife Britainy Beshear arrived at the viewing stand during the Governor's Inauguration Parade on Capital Avenue in Frankfort, Ky., on Dec. 8, 2015. Pablo Alcala - palcal@hearld-leader.com . . . and yet another way to spell Brittany, Britany, Britney, Brittney, Britni, Brittni, Britny, none of which is a real name in the first place according to dictionaries (except the first, which is a "department" of France). Maybe it's a variant of Caitlyn (Katelyn / Katelin / Catelyn / Catelin / Caitlin), which also is not a real name (and that is probably why there are so many ways to spell it). - Editor, Tabloid Headlines
Attorney General Andy Beshear and wife Britainy Beshear arrived at the viewing stand during the Governor's Inauguration Parade on Capital Avenue in Frankfort, Ky., on Dec. 8, 2015. Pablo Alcala - palcal@hearld-leader.com . . . and yet another way to spell Brittany, Britany, Britney, Brittney, Britni, Brittni, Britny, none of which is a real name in the first place according to dictionaries (except the first, which is a "department" of France). Maybe it's a variant of Caitlyn (Katelyn / Katelin / Catelyn / Catelin / Caitlin), which also is not a real name (and that is probably why there are so many ways to spell it). - Editor, Tabloid Headlines

Lexington's most wanted (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader): Justin Bowman, WM, 29, 5'8", 205 lbs, unlawfully happy; Stephanie Allison, WF, 34, 5'3", 165 lbs, even happier (suspected of being high; Wesley Shearer, BM, 50, 6'4", 225 lbs, sorta makes up for the first two, doesn't he?
Lexington's most wanted (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader): Justin Bowman, WM, 29, 5'8", 205 lbs, unlawfully happy; Stephanie Allison, WF, 34, 5'3", 165 lbs, even happier (suspected of being high; Wesley Shearer, BM, 50, 6'4", 225 lbs, sorta makes up for the first two, doesn't he?

In reaction to a new law  that requires women seeking abortions  to
have face-to-face con
sultations with physicians within 24 hours be-
fore the event, State Rep. Mary Lou Marzian, of Louisville,  filed a
bill to require
men seeking prescriptions for erectile dysfunction  to
(a) have  two  meetings  with doctors beforehand,  (b) make sworn
statements, hands on
Bibles, that they would use the drugs only for
sexual relations with their wives,  and (c) provide signed and dated
statements of consent
from the wives.
                                                              [courtesy Insider Louisville]


Quotations of the week
:

" . . . What better way to honor America’s greatest champion of original intent than by wiping your
  obstructionist ass on the very document he holds so dear?"

                                                                – Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee, speaking of
                                                                  
Senator Mitch McConnell (and the late Justice Scalia)

"A
person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges,
  is not Christian."
                                    Pope Jorge

Quotations of the candidates
:

"Unbelievable.  It's not a nice thing to say.  I'm a very good Christian."
                                                                                                                    Donal
d Strump
Quotations of the Wheat:
"Being miserable and treating others like shit is every American's
  God-given right."
– Leonard Simon



Quotations of the weak (give a copy editor a pencil or a keypad, and he'll write a headline . . . ):
"Court allows custody case pitting ex-gay couple to proceed."

                                                 Lexington Herald-Leader (what was "ex" was "couple" – the peti-
                                                    tioner remained lesbian although her ex-"wife" married a man)

"Locating a phone and gaining access to everything on it is
 not the same thing."

                                    Laura Sydell, National Public Radio (try "are," Laura)


Misnomers that need a nap:
"When you change the people who are included in the conversation, you are, by definition, going
 
to get different ideas, see things from a different point of view."

                                                 – Alison Overholt, new editor of ESPN the Magazine (by definition
                                                   
of what?  Change?  People?  Conversation?  Different?  Ideas?)


"I think it's sort of a global loss, given the popularity of the novel across the world."

                           
Wayne Flynt,  Auburn University history professor emeritus,  friend of Harper
                              
Lee, eulogist at her funeral and, apparently, a member of the Flat Earth Society

"The number of notes that I got from women who[m] I don't know at our own company who said
  'It's really important to us  to see the mother of a young child succeeding in an executive role  in
  our industry' – that just got me . . . ."
                                                                  – Alison Overholt  (i.e., sports journalism is an "industry")

Redundancies that need a nap:
" . . . anecdotal stories . . . ."
                                                  – Sue Klebold
  (@ 29:12 in the linked interview),  mother of Colum-
                                                     bine assassin Dylan Klebold and author of A Mother's Reckoning
Birthdays:
                    February 15:  Ron Cey, 68
                                           Susan Brownmiller, 81
                                           Galileo (1564-1642)
                    February 16:  Salvatore "Sonny" Bono (1935-1998)
                    February 17:  Paris Hilton, 35
                                           Tuesday Knight, 47
                                           Huey Newton (1942-1989)
                                           Wally Pipp (1893-1965)
                                           Thomas J. Watson (1874-1956)
                   
February 18:  Molly Ringwald, 48
                                           Vanna White, 59
                                           Judy Kay "Juice" Newton, 64
                                           Irma Thomas, 75
                                           Yoko Ono, 83
                                           Toni Morrison, 85
                                           St. Jadwiga, Queen of Poland (1374-1399)
                    February 19:  Hana Mandlikova, 54; Mikolaj Kopernik (Nicolaus Copernicus) (1473-1543)
                    February 20:  Cindy Crawford, 50
                                           Patty Hearst, 62
                                           J. Geils, 70
                                           Buffy Sainte-Marie, 75
                    February 21:  Charlotte Church, 30
Hana Mandlikova, 54; Mikolaj Kopernik (Nicolaus Copernicus) (1473-1543)

Deaths:
               
Boutros Boutros-Gali, 93
                Harper Lee, 89
                Umberto Eco, 84
                Antonin Scalia, 79
                Lura Hill, 81
                Clyde Swindler, 95
                Stephen
"Steve" "Scuba Steve" "Babe" "Big Guy" "D" "Poppy" "Dad" "Daddy" Thieneman, 64

                                                    [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Stupid business slogans:
SCA TENA Dry Comfort Extra pads:   In this case it's not the slogan,
it's the label on the package – " . . . Briefs * Culottes * Pañales . . . ."
– nowhere on the package will you find the word "diapers" (let alone
"adult").

Funny beer brands:  Full Sail.


Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Tez  Crud  pulled a campaign ad video after saying,  "I
approve this message,"  in which a part was played by
a "soft" porn actress. .  .  . Donald  Strump  entertained
talk jocks Alex Jones' and Michael Savage's notion that
the  Obama  administration  had  Supreme Court Justice
Antonin Scalia murdered.  . . . Hilarity  Clinton  barked
like a dog on the campaign trail.  . . . Hassan Khomeini,
grandson of the late Ayatollah, was excluded from Iran's
Assembly  of Experts  for  not  having  "enough  Islamic
knowledge." 
. . .  A goat was arrested in India (but was
released on bail)
. . . .  A customer threw a 3½-foot alli-
gator into a Wendy's drive-thru window in Palm Beach,
Florida.
                    [courtesy Harper's, the Frisky, Raw Story]

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Ashleigh Ford, BF, 27, 5'2", 205 lbs, theft; Arrested in Paducah (Kentucky), WPSD Channel 6 weather girl, Tori Shaw, 32, cultivation of marijuana (Abilene Crime Stoppers, Inside Edition)
Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Ashleigh Ford, BF, 27, 5'2", 205 lbs, theft; Arrested in Paducah (Kentucky), WPSD Channel 6 weather girl, Tori Shaw, 32, cultivation of marijuana (Abilene Crime Stoppers, Inside Edition)

Dear Eleanor:
Every time my wife gets upset or sad, she goes out and buys
an animal.  We have eight cats,  four bunnies,  six rats,  two
cows and two horses.  Our yard smells of manure,  and our
house smells of cat shit.  When we have company I can see
the guests gagging.  It's gross.  What can I do?
                                                                               Bugged
Dear Bugs:
                        Call the Humane Society.


The sports:
   Women pro tennis players having a conversation: AAHHHEEE!! So, how's the family? HHUUUAAA!! Good, yours? (Funny Times)
Women pro tennis players having a conversation: AAHHHEEE!! So, how's the family? HHUUUAAA!! Good, yours? (Funny Times)

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from
"webmaster"
        titled "AVERTED WIFES PUSSY CRIES? NO PROBLEM, LEARN HOW."



DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Ariana Tobin and
Jen Poyant.



The movies:  Snow Chick
  
Capsule review:  Don't you think the guy taking
this woman for a ride in this movie is a little too
young – and sappy – for her?

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

 
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above,
without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines
or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"
Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                 The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



February 14, 2016:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – the week's headlines
:


Prince Charles had affair with Catherine Zeta-Jones, while married to Diana, and sleeping with Camilla, Michael Douglas' wife (Globe); Bernie Sanders' hippie era love child, never married mother of his first kid (Enquuirer); Meg Ryan: Broke, alone & bulimic (Enquirer)
Prince Charles had affair with Catherine Zeta-Jones, while married to Diana, and sleeping with Camilla, Michael Douglas' wife (Globe); Bernie Sanders' hippie era love child, never married mother of his first kid (Enquuirer); Meg Ryan: Broke, alone & bulimic (Enquirer)
                                    

Editorial
:
Did any of the "news" media report how many  votes  Donald
Trump  or Bernie Sanders  (or any other candidate)  got?   All
we heard, or could read or find, was "points" and "per cents."
It would be kind of fun  to  compare  one front runner against
the other,  especially  in  an  "open  primary"  state  like  New
Hampshire.

LETTERS to the EDITOR
:
Jadwiga wrote Sun 2/7/16 @08:15 CST re the Jihadi Jesus:
Jesus, shotgun, no, no!

Lance Farrell wrote Sun 2/7/16 @10:22 EST:
Do you have to send "Your Sunday paper in a plain brown
wrapper" to everyone, or can I opt out of the brown wrap-
per edition?  I have always gotten the regular edition,  and
I don't mind its cologne sample smell.
Nah,  we can opt you out.  But that is not to say we can opt out any-
one not receiving "Tabloid Headlines" also.  You  know  the  rules.

                                                                                           – Editor
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)


FGDean@aol.com wrote Tues 2/9/16 @10:03 PST:
The idea of a woman undergoing in vitro fertilization  or  even
being impregnated by a man in the "old fashioned way" just to
have "her own baby"  is  absurd.  If the biological father is not
the mother's "partner,"  what's the point?   Those lezzies in last
week's "Dear Eleanor" column  could learn to love an adopted
baby just as much,  and we don't need  "new"  humans  in  this
overpopulated world.

Anthony Dean wrote Sun 2/7/16 17:08 EST (roots and grafts):
My pet peeve among misnomers is the misuse of the expres-
sion  "begs  the  question."  Even some of the most educated
people  I  know  (not to mention journalists)  think  it  means
"makes one want to ask" or "raises the question."
Thank you. As you probably know, to "beg the question" is the
English translation of the Latin "petitio principii," which trans-
lates less literally to  "assumption of the basis."   It  means,  as
you know,  circular reasoning in which the truth of the conclu-
sion is presumed to be true – e.g.,  "If such actions were not il-
legal,  then they would not be prohibited by the law,"  or:
Bill:  "God must exist."
Jill:   "How do you know?"
Bill:  "Because the Bible says so."
Jill:   "Why should I believe the Bible?"
Bill:  "Because God wrote it."
Less circularly it means,  as you know,  to base a conclusion on
a proposition  that  has  yet to be proved.  E.g.:  "Fox hunting is
not cruel, since the fox enjoys the pursuit" (Fowler).   – Editor


Publius Leget wrote Sun 2/7/16 @09:44 CST re the Kentucky
surveyor's quotations of the weak:
I don't get it (?).
Consider, sir (more roots and grafts):
  1. "Commencing" at a certain point and then 10 calls to "the POINT OF BEGINNING for this description; thence . . . " (emphasis in the original).
  2. The capitalization of a directional adjective, "South" (not to mention "North," "East" and "West" later in the description).  Well, shut mah mouf!  Ah we in da Souf?
  3. The phrase "in a Westerly direction":  Verbose.  Simply "westerly" is sufficient.
  4. The phrase "in the South R/W."  Perhaps the surveyor meant the south line of the right of way?  There is no "south right of way."  The right of way is a certain width – which the surveyor does not define – bounded by lines on both sides, of opposite directions.
  5. The use of the non-word "centerline" (as if a country road had a center line in the first place).
  6. The use of the same symbol – an apostrophe ( ' ) – to represent both minutes of the compass and feet in distance.
  7. The use of the word "meanders" following a road or a creek when the directional calls show that it meanders (it's redundant).  "Thence with the road" and "thence with the creek" are sufficient.
  8. The conjunction "; thence" to separate each call when the calls appear to be meant to continue with the "meanders of the road" (or creek – commas, not semicolons, and no "thence," would be appropriate).
  9. The phrases "existing iron pin" and "set iron pin":  Are the "set" iron pins in the description nonexistent?  No.  What the surveyor means is to distinguish between pins set by previous surveyors ("existing") and those set by him in the new survey.  That is meaningful to him as he conducts the survey, but it means nothing to one reading the survey later (it doesn't mean shit to a tree).  What might be meaningful (but not very) are the different identification caps on the various iron pins.
  10. The lack of spacing in many of the directional calls, e.g., "S[no space]04°[no space]11'[no space]41"[no space]E."
  11. "Thence with the meanders of said road bed . . . " (emphasis added):  Which said road bed?  The surveyor has called for five roads (including two road "beds") by this point in the description.
  12. The abbreviation "Dbk." for Deed Book, the capitalization of "page," and the failure to cite the records to which he alludes (these are references to records of a certain county clerk, and it would be helpful to know).
  13. The capitalization of types of trees ("White Oak") – as if they were names, like Whizzer White and White House.
  14. The reference to "the South side of a branch."  Branches (and creeks, and forks, and rivers) do not have north, south, east or west sides; they have left banks and right banks (reckoned by going downstream, not upstream).  By allusion to left bank or right bank, you do not have to continually recite which side of the stream you are on each time it changes course.
  15. " . . . to a point in the creek at the intersection of a spring . . . ":  Come, on!
And they think they're doing it right . . . .
                                                                        – Editor

Unisex name of the week:  Joy.


Dumb news from Indiana:
An East Chicago city councilman in jail without bail on char-
ges of drug crimes  and murder  may attend city council meet-
ings via the jail's video visitation system. . . .

A Ball State University study of 119 young deer in and around
Bloomington concluded that fawns have a better chance of sur-
vival in the city than in the country. . . .

The state's first case of Zika was reported in Grant County,  in
a person who recently traveled to Haiti (name, sex and age not
disclosed). . . .

The Fort Wayne Children's Zoo was recruiting toad and frog
trackers.
                                                   [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Sarah Stanley, WF, 5'6", possession of controlled substance, acne, and firewater; Simeone Spears, BM, 5'6", 140 lbs, violation of a court order ("wake up!"); Alice Chandleer, BF, 5'3", 150 lbs, identity deception (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
South Bend's most wanted: Sarah Stanley, WF, 5'6", possession of controlled substance, acne, and firewater; Simeone Spears, BM, 5'6", 140 lbs, violation of a court order ("wake up!"); Alice Chandler, BF, 5'3", 150 lbs, identity deception (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Berrien County, Michigan's: Stephnie (sic) Kay Beeney, WF, larceny in a building; Jeffrey Lynn Sterling, BM, failure to register as sex offender; Abigail Marie Leighty, WF, illegal use of a credit card (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Berrien County, Michigan's: Stephnie (sic) Kay Beeney, WF, larceny in a building; Jeffrey Lynn Sterling, BM, failure to register as sex offender; Abigail Marie Leighty, WF, illegal use of a credit card (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky
:
A parent-teacher council relaxed Lawrenceburg High
School's 
dress  code,  voting  to allow  pajama  pants,
yoga pants and stretch pants. . . .

A guy known for dancing in the aisles at University of
Kentucky basketball games dropped a girl  who  stood
up to dance with him  (we gots video).

                            [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Louisville's Judge Stevens granted a black defendant's
motion to dismiss a 41-juror panel that  included  only
three black persons, but the state Court of Appeals hal-
ted the trial.
                                                 [courtesy ABA Journal]

An Edmonson County constable, denied the authority to
use blue lights, sirens and county law enforcement radi-
o, stormed out of a county officials' meeting and left his
uniform in the Courthouse.
                                             [courtesy Edmonson Voice]

                          
The most interesting man in Edmonson County Dos Equis
The most interesting man in Edmonson County Dos Equis
Lexington's most wanted: Featured fugitive of the week, Clay Garrison, WM, 22, 6'3", 200 lbs, burglary; Dominique Shanks, BF, 36, 5'7", 160 lbs, firewater OD and accessory to mobery; Edward Kilpatrick, WM, 34, 6'1", 300 lbs, aggravated mobery; John Hampton, WM, 50, 5'9", 150 lbs, stole Clay Garrison's comb and threw it away (pulled kicking & screaming from the Herald-Leader)
Lexington's most wanted: Featured fugitive of the week, Clay Garrison, WM, 22, 6'3", 200 lbs, burglary; Dominique Shanks, BF, 36, 5'7", 160 lbs, firewater OD and accessory to mobery; Edward Kilpatrick, WM, 34, 6'1", 300 lbs, aggravated mobery; John Hampton, WM, 50, 5'9", 150 lbs, stole Clay Garrison's comb and threw it away (pulled kicking & screaming from the Herald-Leader)
Quotations of the week:
"Barack Obama is not Bernie Sanders."
                                                                    Bill Clinton

"Bernie Sanders is not Bill Clinton."
                                                                – Hillary

Quotations of the weak:
"I think the positive coverage of this topic is nothing less than interference in the personal
 lives of minors,  which is what hidden propaganda is,  and public, active imposition of ho-
 
mosexuality."
                             Alexei Krestyanov,  complaining about media coverage of a friendship
                                       between a tiger and a mountain goat at a safari park in eastern Russia

"So . . . .  So . . . .  So . . . .  So . . . .  So . . . .  So . . . ."

                        – economist Mohamed El-Erian, on National Public Radio's Morning Edition

"So . . . .  So, so . . . .  So . . . .  So . . . ."
                                                                        – David Greene, interviewing El-Erian

"Well . . . .  So . . . .  Now . . . .  But . . . .  Because, I mean . . . .  But . . . .  Well . . . .  So . . . .
  So . . . ."
                              Anna Fifield, Tokyo bureau chief, Washington Post, on NPR
Note:  This is not an account of how many times the speakers uttered the word  "so"
(and the other conjunctions and interjections in Fifield's report) but only a count of
the number of sentences begun  with those words.  For a greater count consider,  for
example,  David Greene's  "So, what you're describing is another side of this here in
the United States with the Fed keeping interest rates  so low  for so long,  and,  if  so,
because . . . ?"    – Editor

Quotations of the Wheat:
"I've got my mind on my money, and my money on my mind."
Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Fierce Blonde.


Birthdays:
                   
February  8:   Mary Steenburgen, 63
                                           Nick Nolte, 75
                                           Tom Rush, 75
                    February  9:    Mia Farrow, 71
                    February 10:   Robert Wagner, 86
                    February 11:   Sarah Palin, 52
                                            John Ellis "JEB" Bush, 63
                                            Sergio Mendes, 75
                                            Burt Reynolds, 80
                                            King Farouk (1920-1965)
                                            Eva Gabor (1919-1995)
                    February 12:   Joe Garagiola, 90
                                            Charles Van Doren, 90
                                            Nello Celio (1914-1995)
                                            Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
                                            Charles Darwin (1809-1882)
                    February 13:   Marilyn Pauline "Kim" Novak, 83
                    February 14:   Carl Bernstein, 72

Deaths:
               
Dan Hicks, 74
                Sylvester "Chicken Man" Slemmons, 86
                                                                                            [Louisville Courier-Journal]
Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas) smile, Bro'! John Carrion, BM, 57, 5'7", 180 lbs, injury to a child / Elderly / Disabled SW (?????); Michele Roney-Covarrubias, WF, 45, 5'10", 240 lbs, injury to a child; Gary Clinton, WM, 47, 6'2", 245 lbs, theft (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas) smile, Bro'! John Carrion, BM, 57, 5'7", 180 lbs, injury to a child / Elderly / Disabled SW (?????); Michele Roney-Covarrubias, WF, 45, 5'10", 240 lbs, injury to a child; Gary Clinton, WM, 47, 6'2", 245 lbs, theft (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A 58-year-old man died in  the  annual  "Krispy  Kreme
Challenge
" 5-mile race in North Carolina in which each
runner is required to eat a dozen big donuts. .  .  . Haiti's
President, Michel Martelly, in his last
week in office, re-
leased a song, "Give Them the Banana," directing sexual
ridicule at a female radio journalist  (Donald Strump has
his Megyn Kelly,  and
"Sweet Micky,"  his  Chantal  Elie.
. . .  A white Chicago policeman who fatally shot a black
teen-ager armed only with a baseball bat  and a neighbor
sued the youth's estate, arguing the shooting left him trau-
matized. . . .
Starbucks  in Riyadh refused to serve fe-
males. . . .North Korea was floating balloons over South
Korea containing used toilet paper. . . . A man was repor-
ted killed by a falling meteorite in
Vellore,  India.  . . .  A
woman and her boy friend were arrested in Balsam Lake,
Wisconsin, for having her 9-year-old daughter drive them
home.  .  .  .   A starving sea lion pup was rescued from a
booth in t
he Marine Room, an oceanfront restaurant in La
Jolla, California. . . . Hundreds received jury summonses
in Pascagoula, Mississippi,  with a sex hotline number to
call printed on it. . . .A
woman protesting the Trans Pacif-
ic Partnership in New Zealand threw a pink dildo into the
economic  minister's  face.  .  .  . 
A 13-year-old boy who
came to school dressed as Elsa, from the film Frozen, on
a "Disney day" in Menifee, California, was ordered to re-
move  his  costume  –  so he went back to school the next
week, with his mother's encouragement, wearing a blouse
and skirt. . . .  A  deaf  customer  honked his horn for nine
minutes in a McDonald's drive-through in Columbus,  Ne-
braska,  when he was not getting the service he thought he
deserved.

                                            [courtesy Harper's, Frisky,
AP]

Dear Eleanor:
I am a 23-year-old female who recently moved  to  a  new
town.  I have met a few guys, but it never seems to go any-
where.  I can't seem to find someone  who  wants  anything
more than sex.  I used to sleep around, but I'm more mature
now and I value myself enough not to throw my body at ev-
ery guy I meet.  I've learned from my mistakes.


Not a single man I've met in my age range is interested in a
real  relationship.   They expect me to hop into bed with no
commitment whatsoever.  I value relationships and commit-
ment, and have no intention of behaving like this. It irritates
me when I put myself out there  and meet someone I think is
different; but as soon as they learn that I'm not going to give
them sex, they forget all about me.


I know I'm still young and there are plenty of fish  in  the  sea,
but I am ready to settle down. I am far from perfect, but some-
times it seems as though I will never meet anyone worthwhile.


Is something wrong with me?  Or am I just attracting the wrong
type of guys?
                                                                Lost in a Small Town

Dear Lois:
                         Well,   yes,  there  is  something wrong with you.
                         You said yourself you are far from perfect.  Help
                         me find it.  Is it perhaps  because  you  are  ugly?
                         Bad breath?  Maybe you just talk too much. . . .
         

The sports:
Lady Gag-a fucked up the National Anthem (as they all do)
at the Super Bowl. . . .

Cam  Newton  did not bother to try to recover his own fum-
ble  in the Super Bowl,  and Johnny Manziel beat up his girl
friend. . . .
Celebrity lookalikes: 1976 Super Bowl baby, Tabloid Headlines reader Ted Fiskevold (with wife, Marysia)
Celebrity lookalikes: 1976 Super Bowl baby, Tabloid Headlines reader Ted Fiskevold (with wife, Marysia)
Worst Super Bowl commercial:  Heinz' "hot dogs."

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Vwhisenant"
        titled "amiable."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include 
Manoush Zomoro-
di
.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"
Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                 The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



February 7, 2016:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – the week's headlines
:


Secret grand jury indictments, Hillary's crimes, treason, bribery, perjury, fraud, espionage, embezzlement, 18 explosvie e-mails that will put her in prison for life (Globe); Bee Gees unmasked, the fights, the drugs, the guns (Examiner)
Secret grand jury indictments, Hillary's crimes, treason, bribery, perjury, fraud, espionage, embezzlement, 18 explosvie e-mails that will put her in prison for life (Globe); Bee Gees unmasked, the fights, the drugs, the guns (Examiner)
                                    

LETTERS to the EDITOR
:
Jonell Kerr wrote Sun 1/31/16 @10:16 EST re quotations Nos.
1, 2 and 3 from a Kentucky land survey:
An' they think they're doin' it right!

Unisex name of the week:  Josey (Josie).


Dumb news from Indiana:
Gary reported major drops in all  major  crimes  except
homicides. . . .

More than 50 gravestones were knocked over at a Jew-
ish cemetery
in Fort Wayne. . . .

A "holistic" veterinarian in Pine Village, Warren County,
accused by former employees  of  kicking  barking  dogs,
surrendered her license. . . .

Two dozen puppies were abandoned at a fire station on
Indianapolis' north side. . . .

An Indianapolis woman is on a mission to collect used
brassieres for homeless women. . . .

An Indianapolis grade school principal,  69,  was   killed
by a school bus that jumped a curb as she pushed pupils
to safety.
                                          [courtesy Columbus Republic]

 
Most wanted: Lexington, Ky., Lamar Boyd, BM, 33, 5'7", 180 lbs, too black, 2 fuzzy; South Bend, Ind., Jacquise Carter, BF, 5'5", 180 lbs, criminal trespassing; Berrien County, Michigan, Adam Matthew Beshires, WM, too white, 2 pretty, and failure to register as a sex offender, second offense (Lexington Herald-Leader, Michaiana Crime Stoppers)
Most wanted: Lexington, Ky., Lamar Boyd, BM, 33, 5'7", 180 lbs, too black, 2 fuzzy; South Bend, Ind., Jacquise Carter, BF, 5'5", 180 lbs, criminal trespassing; Berrien County, Michigan, Adam Matthew Beshires, WM, too white, 2 pretty, and failure to register as a sex offender, second offense (Lexington Herald-Leader, Michaiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky
:
Rant Pol led Jub Bosh, Curly Florina, John Casey-at-the-
Bat, Mikey Hucksterbe, Christopher Christobe and Ricky
Sanctimonium in the Iowa Republican caucuses for presi-
dential nomination, but trailed Tez Crud, Donald Strump,
Mario Rubicon and Dr. Parson, polling only half as many
votes as Parson, who polled only a third as many as Crud.
And then, Pol dropped his 2016 bid for the presidency,  e-
ven before the Kentucky Republican caucuses, scheduled
for March 5, which were created specifically to allow him
to run for President  and  re-election  to the Senate  in  the
same year.
                                       [courtesy CNN, Washington Post]

A  16-year-old  girl  died in a juvenile detention center in
Elizabethtown after an "Akido restraint" was used on her
when she refused to remove her sweatshirt for a search. . . .

You can see,  on surveillance video,  a  strangely  dressed
woman robbing a Lexington Quality Inn motel clerk (and
don't  skip  the  Sleep Outfitters ad,  starring University of
Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari).

                                   [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Political lookalikes (not to mention thinkalikes): Matt Bevin, new governor of Kentucky; Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas
Political lookalikes (not to mention thinkalikes): Matt Bevin, new governor of Kentucky; Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas

Quotations of the week:
"They don't understand design."
                                                        – Donald Meeker,  designer of the Clearview font,  dumped by
                                                           the Federal Highway Administration for a return to Highway
                                                           Gothic as the only font authorized for highway signs

"About half of all registered voters in the United States – 96 per cent of them white, 100 per cent of
 them residents of Iowa and New Hampshire – will now exercise their inalienable, God-given, legal-
 ly mandated right to choose the Presidential nominees of the two parties."
                                                                                                                                George Packer, in
                                                                                                                                   the New Yorker
"Anger is not a plan."
                                        – Marco Rubio

Quotation of the weak
(give a ditz a microphone, and she'll speak into it . . . ):

"So . . . uh . . . yeah . . . so . . . um, so . . . ."
                                                                            Laura Benshoff, radio announcer,
                                                                               WHYY, Philadelphia, Pa.


"We do love he . . . ."
                                            Sarah Palin

Quotations repeated every week
:
"That's exactly right."
                                             –
 
Shankar Vedantam
Quotations of the Wheat:
"All men's problems come down to two:  Finance and romance (money and
 honey)."
– Leonard Simon


Misnomers that need a nap (roots and grafts):
At least two journalists – Korva Coleman and Carrie Johnson, of National Public
Radio – encouraged, it seems, by an organization calling itself the "National Reg-
istry of 'Exonerations' " – are using the word "exonerate" as if it means only to re-
verse an affirmed conviction,  or to restore freedom and discharge only after con-
viction and imprisonment

You do not have to have been convicted, however, to be exonerated.  See any rep-
utable dictionary.  You can be exonerated simply from an accusation – e.g.,  by  a
grand jury before being brought to trial, by a jury finding you not guilty at trial, by
a prosecutor or a judge alone,  or by a board of inquiry in a military or civil case.
Please, write to NPR, to the editor if you you have seen this misuse in your news-
paper, to ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox and CNN,  if you have heard it there,  to the "Na-
tional Registry of Exonerations," before they can complete their hijacking of a per-
fectly good old word  (or, maybe they have already got away with it  – Wikipedia
seems to be leaning that way, at least).

Funny beer brands:  Daylight Cravings.


Birthdays:
                   
February 1:   Ronda Rousey, 29
                                          Don Everly, 79
                                          Rick James (1948-2004); celebrity lookalike (not her birthday) Whoopi Goldbert (b. 11/13/55)
                    February 2:   Bill Murray
                                          Tom Smothers, 79
                                          Red Schoendienst, 93
                    February 3:   Morgan Fairchild, 66
                    February 4:   Dan Quayle, 69
                                         Tadeusz
Koºciusko  (1746-1817)
                    February 5:   Hank Aaron, 82
                                         
Coert L van Beyma thoe Kingma (1753-1820)
                    February 6:  
Fabian Forte, 73
                                          Elmore Rual "Rip" Torn Jr., 85
                                         
Joan Lucille Olander ("Mamie Van Doren"), 85
                                         
Zsa Zsa Gabor, 99
                                          Natalie Cole (1950-2015)
                    February 7:   Garth Brooks, 54
                                          Burt Hooton, 66
Rick James (1948-2004); celebrity lookalike (not her birthday) Whoopi Goldbert (b. 11/13/55)

Deaths:
               
Bob Elliott, 92
                Helen Bleemel, 93
                James Richard "Bedstefar" Grayson, 84
                Wyolene Jones, 85
                Brabara Richards, 81
                                                                    [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Arrested in Abilene: (Texas, not Kansas): Lindsey Black, WF, 29, 5'4", 180 lbs, possession of heroin (and firewater); Scott Anderson, WM, 44, 5'11", 255 lbs, family assault; Kristal Smith, WF, 50, 5'6", 195 lbs, possession of meth (and firewater) with intent to deliver (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
Arrested in Abilene: (Texas, not Kansas): Lindsey Black, WF, 29, 5'4", 180 lbs, possession of heroin (and firewater); Scott Anderson, WM, 44, 5'11", 255 lbs, family assault; Kristal Smith, WF, 50, 5'6", 195 lbs, possession of meth (and firewater) with intent to deliver (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A mosquito-borne virus,  the "Zika,"  was challenging a
Hebrew prophet, Ezekiel, to hide his face, just as an as-
sociation of jihadists, ISIS, has shamed women and and
book stores named after the Egyptian goddess  Isis. . . .
vulture  with a 6½-foot wing span  and a tracking de-
vice on its tail, suspected of spy
ing for Mossad, was re-
turned to an Israeli game preserve by Lebanon  after  in-
tervention by United Nations peacekeepers. .  .  .
French
president  François Hollande  canceled lunch with
visit-
ing
Irani President Hassan Rouhani after Rouhani reques-
ted that no wine be served. . . .
Six animal lovers in Chi-
na were sentenced to prison  for  making  others  eat  cat
shit. .  .  . Bedbugs were found to have developed an im-
munity to pesticides  (and a Centers for Disease Control
official suggested bringing back DDT). . . . An Australi-
an woman ordered killed by her husband on a trip home
to Burundi surprised her husband at  her  memorial  ser-
vice in Melbourne.
                                                    [courtesy Harper's, AP]

Faith section:    Jihad Fucking Christ
Jihad Fucking Christ

Dear Eleanor:
My partner and I, who are in a gay relationship, are close
friends with a lesbian couple,  "Mary"  and  "Jean,"  who
want a baby;  and my partner elected to donate his sperm.
We have no interest in being  parents  but would be happy
to be uncles.  Unfortunately, Mary experienced an illness,
and Jane got laid off from work; and now they're worried
they can’t afford in vitro fertilization.   Mary  is  infertile,
and Jane is 38;  so, waiting fort their financial situation to
improve might not be an option.  Mary and Jane have now
asked  whether  Jane can conceive a baby with my partner
the old-fashioned way.  My partner and Jane used  to  date
in their 20's; so it won't be anything new.  I totally trust my
partner,  but this is a bit much for me.  Am I being too old-
fashioned?  Should I let this happen so that  my  two  won-
derful friends can become parents  without  spending  tens
of thousands of dollars?
                                                                            Concerned
Dear Cerny:
                        O, M, G!  In the first place, if you become "uncles,"
                        won't at least one of you be guilty of incest?

                        In the second place,  how many alternative identities
                        does "Jean" have besides "Jane," lez, LGBT and your
                        boy friend's ex-lover? (you said they "used to date . . .
                        so it won't be anything new" – uh, er, doesn't that mean
                        they used
to fuck?)

                        And,  third,  how come the girls have "names" and you
                        "boys"  don't?  Does any of you have any fucking idea
                        who or what he, she or it is?

                        "Old fahsioned?" Hell, yes! How about your boy friend
                        and Jane just get fucking married?


The weather rock is getting warmer,  and winter is over,  unless the critter got up  late
        last Tuesday – but, anyway, Punxsutawney Phil's predictions have been right on-
        ly 39 per cent of the time since 1887, according to the STORMFAX Weather Al-
        manac.
                        Happy Groundhog Day (photo by Matt Goins, Lexington Herald-Leader)
Happy Groundhog Day (photo by Matt Goins, Lexington Herald-Leader)


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Wwyfeme Vlu"
       
titled "recollect authorize bitter."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Melissa Mark-Vi-
verito.



HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

 
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above,
without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines
or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"
Karen Crockett


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