Publius Leget wrote Sun 3/20/16 @08:59 CST:

"Owshotski"?

That's what Bullwinkle said when he was shot by
a hunter – Sunday funnies, early '70's.    – Editor

A dye spill in downtown Fort Wayne turned the Maumee
River blue.
                                                [courtesy Journal-Gazette]

The  city of Portland was fined for discharging pollutants
into the Salamonie River, killing fish. . . .

Peru (i.e., the Indiana town named Peru) asked the Tucson,
Arizona,  police to return the Tommy gun stolen  from  Peru
police  by  John  Dillinger  (it's been on display  in  Tucson
since 1934, when Dillinger was arrested there). . . .

The LaPorte City Council passed an ordinance prohibiting
motorists' use of  cell phones  within 1,000 feet of schools
in session and school events. . . .

The 9-foot mulberry tree growing from the tower of the De-
catur County Courthouse in Greensburg ("Tree City") got a
clean bill of health.
                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Desiree Miller, WF, 5'5", 220 lbs, meth; Berrien County, Michigan's: Arielle Simone Gantzer, WF: Interfering with electronic communications (tagged Zachariah's ankle bracelet); Zachariah Christian Freeman, WM, home invasion (Arielle's and Kayonna's homes); Kayonna Marie Anderson, BF, uttering and publishing (Zachariah's face and name on Clutterbook) (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

   

Bobcat caught in Bee Spring: Troy Goins, of Bee Spring, caught a bobcat on Feb. 11 in the Bee Spring community (Edmonson County, Kentucky, News)

A 33-year-old Cave City panhandler pleaded guilty to faking
a stutter and mental disability to draw benefits. . . .

A 22-year-old woman died in a fall from a cliff  at Raven Run
Nature Sanctuary  in Fayette County,  and then the boat carry-
ing her body capsized in the Kentucky River (the body was re-
covered later by divers).
                                         [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

       

Michael Curtis, 26, and wife, Kayla Curtis, 30, were charged with murder in Harlan County

Lexington's most wanted: Brianna Smith, WF, 26, 5'7", 180 lbs; Tometta Board, BF, 5'3", 130 lbs (pulled kicking & screaming from the Herald-Leader)

"The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are
 full of confidence."
                                    – Charles Bukowski

"Belgium is . . . not the Belgium that you and I knew . . . from 20 years ago, which was one of the
 most beautiful cities and one of the safest cities in the world."
                                                                                                                 – Trumpty Dumpty

Quotations of the Wheat: "People often ask me, 'Wheat,  you grew up an infant prince, heir to the throne of the  Creator of the Universe, and became co-founder of the Sunfish Mafia, smothered in,  covered with, white privilege.  For the love of Pete and all things holy,  what's  it  all  about?'  What's it all about?  It's all about nouns." – Leonard Simon

March 21:  J. S. Bach (1685-1750)
                    March 22: 
                                       Billy Collins, 75
                                       Pat Robertson, 86
                                       Karl Malden (1912-2006)
                    March 23:  Prince Beltran, 17
                                       Jeronimo de Bosch Kemper (1808-1876)
                                       K'inich Janaab' Pakal, Ajaw of

Palenque, of Maya (603-683)
                    March 24:  Peyton Manning, 40
                                      
                                       Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle (1887-1933)
                    March 25:  Danica Patrick, 34
                                       Reginald Kenneth Dwight ("Elton John"), 69
                                       Aretha Franklin, 74
                                       Gloria Steinem, 82
                                       Bonnie "Guitar" Buckingham, 93
                                       Arnost of Pardubice (1297-1364)
                    March 26:  Erica Jong, 74
                                       Richard Dawkins, 75
                                       Duncan Hines (1880-1959)
                                       Robert Frost (1874-1963)
                                       A. E. Housman (1859-1936)
                                       Manuel Jeronimo Romero de Avila (1717-1779)
                    March 27: 

Wanted in Wichita: Deanna D. Allen, a/k/a Patience Martinez, WF, 38, 5'5", 120 lbs, drugs, firewater; Shayne A. Koontz, a/k/a April Gasper, WF, 21, 5'5", 140 lbs, brawling and fighting; Mary M. Little, a/k/a Little Marcey, WF, 46, 5'9", 110 lbs, improper left turn, inattentive driving, no insurance; Shelly R. McCloud, a/k/a Shelly Cummings, WF, 51, 5'3", 205 lbs, assault and battery (City of Wichita)

A disk jockey at a bar in Westfield, Massachusetts, known
as "DJ Boogy" was found guilty of disorderly conduct  for
playing the N.W.A. (Niggaz wit Attitudes) recording "Fuck
tha Police" during a police raid.  .  .  .  The Maryland state
senate voted to remove "Northern scum"  and lyrics refer-
ring to Abraham Lincoln as a tyrant and a despot from the
state song, "Maryland My Maryland." . . . A white man in
a surgical mask because, he said,  he was allergic to black
people,  picked a fight with a black man in Iowa City,  Io-
wa, . . . .A truck hauling 2,000 piglets overturned near Ra-
leigh, North Carolina,  spilling  them. . . . Sarah Palin sign-
ed a contract to produce a court TV show. . . . A  crew  de-
molished  the  wrong  tornado-damaged home  in Rowletts,
Texas ("It's not a big deal," the demo company owner said).

                                      [courtesy Harper's, NBC.com, AP]

I am a young man, yet in college.  When I was an infant
I was circumcised,  and I feel violated that  my  parents
decided to circumcise me without my consent. The doc-
tor performed the surgery took too much off, and it cau-
ses me pain.

When I was in grade school I was sexually  assaulted  by
an older boy,   but I feel more violated by the circumcis-
ion because it took a part of me that I can never get back.
I am filled with hate and anger toward my parents,  even
though I know it is unfair to them  because they believed
they were making the right choice at the time.

My parents know how I feel and are sorry,  but I still have
these negative feelings toward them because I can't get the
procedure undone. Do you have any suggestions how I can
overcome this?
                                                        Cut Short in California

                                   
      . . .

Ugliest player in NCAA 'March Madness' basketball tourney, Thomas Walkup, Stephen F. Austin University 'Lumberjacks"; . . . his ugly teammates, C. J. Williams, Clide Geffrard, Ty Charles, JaQuan Smith; and Zach Auguste, the ugliest player for Notre Dame, the team that knocked S. F. Austin out of the tournament

The entire University of Kentucky basketball team will enter this year's Na-
tional Basketball Association professional draft  except  for  two  freshmen
who are ineligible because they just turned 18.

The campaign:
                                                   

The columnist formerly known as Bob Hill wrote Sun
3/13/2016 @17:04 EDT:

I have spent way too much time lately thinking about
Donald Trump's  vice  presidential  pick,  someone to
softly  leaven  the  Donald bread:  Could it be Rocky
or Bullwinkle?

Publius Leget wrote Sun 3/13/16 @10:37 CDT:

What's with the arcane phrase "Dakota Meyer['s]
. . . baby out of Bristol Palin"?

It's Kentucky thoroughbredspeak:   The foal is "by" the
stud, "out of" the mare – e.g., "Risen Star, by Secretari-
at, out of Ribbon."    – Editor

A student from Terre Haute, one of the first males to enroll at
Saint Mary-of-the-Woods College,  died  in a fall from a park-
ing garage in Panama Beach, Florida, on spring break.

                                                                           [courtesy WTHI]

The General Assembly passed a bill to outlaw abortion based
on fetal disability, race or sex.
                                                            [courtesy LifeNews.com]

Two men who went over Cumberland Falls in kayaks were
ticketed by a state park ranger for trespassing. . . .

A police detective was pepper-sprayed by a shoplifting sus-
pect at a Lexington mall. . . .

Chuck E. Cheese's closed early in Lexington, unable to han-
dle a mob of kids.
                                      [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

A man inside the Buddy Bat mascot costume for Louisville's
minor league baseball team was suspended, facing  sex  alle-
gations in his other job as a teacher. . . .

 

The state's new governor, Matt Bevin, won TBS' Samantha Bee's 'Paperweight of the Month' award (Courier-Journal)

Laurel and Harlan counties' most wanted, Kimberly Wilder, 51, of London, was charged with speeding, reckless driving, improper passing, failing to wear a seat belt, driving on a DUI-suspended license (third offense), no insurance and resisting arrest after passing a deputy sheriff in a marked car and three other vehicles in a no passing zone and refusing to get out of her car when stopped (also there were warrants out for her arrest from two counties for disorderly conduct, intoxication, traffic in controlled substances, resisting arrest and failure to appear)

   

Zombie in the news: Restaurant columnist for Jobe Publishing Inc., which puts out weekly newspaper in half a dozen rural counties in south central Kentucky, Jennifer Moonsong

"If Mama Cass had only shared that ham sandwich with Karen Carpenter, they’d
  both be alive today."
                                        – Kinky Friedman

"I didn't know that it was illegal."
                                                          – Xiao   Mei,  mother of an 18-day-old girl
                                                             sold on line by the baby's teen-age father

"We're going to put a lot of coal miners and coal companies out of business."
                                                                                                                                  – Hillary Clinton

Quotations of the Wheat: "Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you get the nut." – Leonard Simon

Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Jasmine D. Smith, a/ki/a Jasmine Thomas, WF, 35, 5'4", 132 lbs, hit & run, fraudulent driver's license; Felicia K. Adame, a/k/a Felicia Adame-Martinez, WF, 30, 5'3", 200 lbs, escape; Crystal D. Straub, a/k/a "Cricket," WF, 53, 5'6", 165 lbs, possession of drugs and firewater (City of Wichita)

      

A human rights activist in Denmark  and her husband  were found guilty of "human trafficking" for giving rides, coffee and biscuits to  a  Syrian  family. . . . A 4-year-old boy was referred to police in England for drawing  a  picture  of  a "cucumber bomb"  (nursery staff thought he said "cooker bomb"). . . . President  Obama  grew half an inch taller in the last two years. . . .Utah's House of Representatives de- clared pornography a public health crisis. . . . A  northern Florida gun rights activist was shot in the back with a .45 handgun by her 4-year-old son as she drove a pickup truck. . . . A 6-year-old boy was shot at a birthday party in Gwin- nett County, Georgia. . . . The Georgia legislature passed a bill to legalize drinking on a raft. . . . The Reagan National Airport near Washington received 8,670  noise complaints in 2015 – including 6,500 from one person. . . .  A Roma- nian woman ripped out her husband's testicles when he re- fused to help with the housework on  International  Wom- en's Day. . . . An artist’s Infantspam Instagram account was discontinued after she posted videos of her finger penetra- ting and massaging a blood orange. . . . A Colombian wo- man was arrested at the airport in Frankfurt, Germany, for carrying a kilogram of cocaine in the place  of  her  breast implants. . . . Anna and Lucy DeCinque,  identical  twins, age 30,  of Perth,  Australia,  who share everything, inclu- ding  their boy friend,  Ben,  announced plans to get preg- nant by him at the same time, in an effort to produce iden- tical cousins.                                                       [courtesy Harper's, AP]

Wanted in Waco: Savanah Perez, HF, 32, 5'2", 224 lbs, meth and firewater; Deon Deshan Love, BM, 23, 5'9", 160 lbs, burglary; Natasha Hayenga, HF, 33, 4'11", 130 lbs, home trespassing (Waco Crime Stoppers)

Putting one little word after another, and was Louisiana State
University's decision not to play  in  a  postseason  basketball
tournament  really  to  give the team more time to prepare for
next season,  or to give freshman star  Ben  Simmons  a  head
start to the NBA? (and what cuts of the signing bonus will the
coach, the athletic director and the university president get?) . . .

     

Radical group seizes federal property and refuses to comply with law enforcement, no SCOTUS confirmations! (McConnell:) "Send snacks! We're digging in until 2017"; Mitch's Militia, M. Wuerker, Politico Universal Uclick

Stephen Yates wrote Sun 3/6/16 @11:19 CST:

Re last week's quotation of the week,  "Today it's the KKK;
tomorrow it's Black Lives Matter":  Is it not OK to discrim-
inate between love and hate?

Good question.  Can we censor  Lady Chatterley's Lover  and  not
Mein Kampf?  We once did (the former) and didn't (the latter).  Or
vice versa?

There are bigger issues in the "adopt a highway" case,  of course –
not mere censorship,  but also the partial letting of a public facility
(part of a highway) to an advocacy group. And then we have "spe-
cialty" license plates.

Here's a solution that even the so-called American  "Civil Liberties"
Union might be able to live with: Base the policy on  another clause
of the First Amendment. No religion should be allowed to "adopt" a
highway  or sponsor a license plate  (no establishment of religion by
the state).  The KKK claims to be religious;  it's out.  So is the West-
boro Baptist Church.
                                                                                             – Editor

Publius Leget wrote Sun 3/6/16 @10:37 CST:

What's the "IM" in the ID of Philomeno Marks in last week's
Wanted in Wichita?  Indian male?   Indonesian male?   Inde-
pendent male?

Alcoholic beverage sales were allowed until 4 a.m. last night, an
hour later than normal,  to ease the transition to Daylight Stupid
Time.
                                                        [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Indianapolis and surrounding counties went to 10-digit dialing on
local telephone calls.
                                                      [courtesy Indianapolis Recorder]

South Bend's most wanted: Tosha Roberts, WF, 5'8", 165 lbs, cocaine; Brittney Hanna, WF, 5'4", 135 lbs, cocaine; Angela Sessler, WF, 5'2", 115 lbs, leaving the scene; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas), Sasha Vaughn, WF, 47, 5'8", 200 lbs, robbery (Michiana and Abilene Crime Stoppers)

A "Bible literacy" course for Kentucky high schools was u-
nanimously approved by a state Senate committee.

                                                                    [courtesy WLKY]

Democrats won three of four seats in special elections to the
state House of Representatives to retain  their  only  majority
in a legislative chamber in the South.

                                      [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader] 

"Mexico will under no circumstance pay for the wall Mr. Trump is proposing."

                                                                                                  – Treasury Secretary Luis Videgaray

Quotations of the Wheat: "That Hank Hebhoe is so tight that when he farts, only his dog hears it." – Leonard Simon

                    March 9:  
                                      Robin Trower, 71
                                      Mickey Gilley, 80
                                      Lloyd Price, 83                                                                                                                Ernesto Miranda
                                     

Dorothy Keely ("Keely Smith"), 84
                                      Er nesto Miranda (1941-1976)
                                     
                    March 10:  Prince Edward, 52
                                      Osama bin Laden (1957-2011)
                    March 11:  Sam Donaldson, 82
                                      Antonin Scalia (1936-2016)
                    March 12:  James Taylor, 68
                                       Liza Minnelli, 70
                    March 13:  Neil Sedaka, 77
                                       María del Rosario Mercedes Pilar Martínez Molina Baeza ("Charo"), 75
                                            (or 69, or 67, or 65, depending on what she says at the moment)

Funny beer brands:
                                               

Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Angela D. Fischer, a/ki/a Angela Holt, WF, 37, 5'2", 125 lbs, no driver's license, speeding, theft by deception; Christopher S. Torrente, WM, 20, 5'10", 160 lbs, domestic battery, reverse mullet; Shequila D. Stanford, BF, 22, 5'5", 140 lbs, petty theft (City of Wichita)

Emden, Maine, was considering renaming Katie Crotch
Road  because it's costing hundreds of dollars a year to
replace the stolen signs. . . . A woman pulled over in E-
rie County,  New York,  for driving with a cardboard li-
cense plate was charged with forgery. . . .  A dog drove
a semitrailer into a parked car  in Mankato,  Minnesota.
.  .  .  A police dog found a burglary suspect hiding in a
doghouse in Discovery Bay, California. . . . Animals at
the Los Angeles, California, Zoo were taking selfies....
. . . A man taking a selfie pulling the trigger on his face
shot himself to death in Skagit County, Washington  (he
"didn't know the gun was loaded").  .  .  .  A 2-year-old
girl in Greenville, South Carolina, called 911 when she
had trouble putting on her pants. . . . Four pupils burned
down their principal's house in Payette, Idaho. . . . New
English  usage  guidelines  for 7-year-olds in the United
Kingdom allow the use of exclamation points only after
sentences beginning with  "What . . . "  and  "How . . . "
("So, . . . "). . . .  A 16-year-old boy shot his grandmoth-
er, sister and nephew  (but missed his mother and anoth-
er sister)  when they told him to get out of bed and go to
school,  in Nashville,  Tennessee. . . . Kentucky's Medal
of Honor winner Dakota Meyer won joint custody of his
baby out of Bristol Palin. . . . The United States came in
dead last – right below Poland – in a survey of citizens'
technology  skills  (e-mail,  shopping on line,  "texting,"
etc.).
                    [courtesy Harper's, Huffington Post, NPR]

McKenzie Vincent, of Edmonson County, Kentucky, rode a 15.555 in the barrel contest at the Lone Star Rodeo, but it was not reported (1) whether she won, (2) what 15.555 means, (3) where the Lone Star Rodeo was, or (4) whether she was cheered or jeered for carrying the Confederate flag (Edmonson News)

I am scared to death of snakes!  My daughter,  who lives in
Canada,   recently informed me that they had  acquired  one
from a teacher at my grandsons’ school. The three boys are
thrilled, but we are going to visit my daughter and her fami-
ly in a few weeks; and I am terrified, breaking down crying
and losing sleep. What should I do?
                                                            Terrified in Cyprus, Texas

Nolan Porterfield wrote Mon 2/29/16 @10:57 CST

Stacy Hooks is not exactly a "hot babe."

She's a lot hotter than Shana Taylor.    – Editor

Shana Taylor, 37, an Indianapolis public schools guidance counselor, was accused of having sex with two 16-year-old boys (Indianapolis Star)

A 23-year-old Warren County man was convicted of threat-
ening a federal judge on his Clutterbook Facebook page de-
spite his defenses of free speech and joking.

                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Valerie Harris, BF, 5'4", 155 lbs, arson; Lisa Gushwa, WF, 5'5", 160 lbs, Theft, probation violation; Deonte Stutzman, BM, 5'8", 175 lbs, burglary (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

CORRECTION:  In the article on the Bee Spring Restaurant,  it
    stated that Tammy Smith managed the restaurant.  This  is  in-
    accurate.  Smith leases the restaurant.  The same was true for
    Helen Vincent Stratton.  Also, Alton Brown should have read
    Alton Wood.   We apologize for any confusion these mistakes
    may have caused.
                                                                        [Edmonson News]

Dumb geographical trivia from Kentucky:

The "city" of Oakland, in Warren County, pop. 230 (well, it has a "City Hall" – and a U.S. post office, too!), has three Baptist churches and one "Christian" church - and they all are built of red brick

Faith United Baptist Church; back yard - the horse in the foreground in not dead; he is merely taking a nap

Young St., Oakland Mount Zion Baptist Church

"Oakland" Baptist Church

        

Oakland Christian Church; New year, same God

The school . . . probably the old school (now someone's mansion)

"Today it’s the KKK.  Tomorrow it's . . . Black Lives Matter."

                – Maya Dillard Smith, Executive Director of the American Civil Liberties Union in Geor-
                   gia, protesting a court ruling denying an Adopt-a-Highway mile to the Ku Klux Klan

"So, . . . .  So, . . . .  Well, . . . .  So, . . . .  Well, . . . .  So, . . . ."
                                                                                                        – human rights activist Annie Bird

"That's right. . . . Right. . . . Exactly. . . . That's exactly right. . . .
 Exactly. . . . Exactly."
                                                                –   Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat: "Shouldn't rubbers be ribbed on the inside, for his pleasure?" – Leonard Simon

"Australian Cardinal George Pell admitted he did not act right away when a child told him of
 abuse allegations."
                                    – Korva Coleman, National Public Radio News; BBC

Ronnie Milsap "was born blind from congenital glaucoma . . . ."
                                                                                                            – YouTube

                                                                    Aileen Wuornos (1956-2002)
                                                                    Al Rosen (1924-2015)
                                                                    Jimmy Dorsey (1904-1957)
                                                                   
                    March 1:  Justin Bieber, 22
                                     Harry Belafonte, 89
                    March 2:   Howard "Hopalong" Cassady, 82
                                      Karen Carpenter (1950-1983)
                    March 3:   Caroline Lee Bouvier Radziwill Ross, 83
                                      Harlean Harlow Carpenter ("Jean Harlow," 1911-1937)
                                     
                    March 4:   Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini, 55
                                     Miriam Makeba (1932-2008)
                    March 5:  

A "self-driving" Google car ran into a city bus  in  Santa
Clara,  California. .  .  . The latest conspiracy theory has
it that Katy Perry is actually JonBenet Ramsey. . . .  OK:
Are Russell Brand and Russell Crowe intellectuals, buf-
foons,  or  jerks? .  .  . UFO hunters found a crucifix in a
photo from Mars. . . .  A judge in Ontario struck down a
provision in a late radiologist’s will  setting  up  scholar-
ships for "Caucasian (white), male, single, heterosexual
students"  and  "hard-working, single  Caucasian  white
girls" who are not "feminist or lesbian." . . . A 23-year-
old Ukrainian whose visa expired in Harrisburg,  Penn-
sylvania,  adopted  a  fake  identify  and  became a high
school honors student.  .  .  .  A 23-year-old Englishwo-
man stabbed her boy friend to death  for  adding  "loads
of girls" on Clutterbook Facebook.  . . .  A German wo-
man choked to death on a cucumber her lover stuffed in-
to her mouth that they had been using as a sex toy. . . . A
16-year-old Russian boy won an internet contest  to  live
a month in a Moscow hotel with a porn star.

                    [courtesy Harper's, National Public Radio]

Anchorage had to import snow from Fairbanks to start Al-
aska's Iditarod this year.

My husband, our two kids and I share a home with my parents,
two sisters and younger brother. Sometimes it seems crowded.

One of my sisters walks around nude or in her underwear  be-
cause, she says, she hates wearing clothes.  I think that's rude.
What do you think?
                                                                        Clothes-Minded

       

Wanted in Wichita: Tynacia J. Brown-Hill, a/k/a Ty Smith, BF, 19, 5'2", 130 lbs, petty theft, disorderly conduct, brawling, fighting; Philomeno J. Marks a/k/a Duke Marks, IM, 26, 5'6", 120 lbs, domestic battery; Joleen K. Albright, a/k/a Joleen Vann, WF, 35, 5'9", 160 lbs, petty theft (City of Wichita)