Stephen Yates wrote Sun 6/19/16 @10:13 CDT:

Did Kimberly Anne Johnson's ophthalmolo-
gist overcorrect her for crossed eyes?

A truck driver rolled his semitrailer into a ditch in Bartholo-
mew County after a  large  owl  crashed through his driver's
side  window  (the  owl  was found dead on the floor of the
cab). . . .

An animal shelter in Anderson went "free roaming" with its
cats.
                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Melissa Glant, WF, 5'0", 145 lbs, nonsupport; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Anthony Lamont Brothers Jr., BM, home invasion (x2); Jerome Jermiah Winbush, BM, tampering with electronic monitoring device; Marcus Danyell Hughes, BM, interfering with electronic communication causing injury or death (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

The state School for the Deaf in Danville went on lockdown af-
ter a black bear was seen on campus.

                                             [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Lexington's most wanted: Jakevo Edwards, BM, 41, 5' 10", 160 lbs, decadent calypson; Eric Canada, BM, 5'7", 152 lbs, unintended involvement; Chaddrick Wright, BM, 22, reality TV identity theft (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

"Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on
 a rainy Sunday afternoon."
                                                 – Susan Ertz

Quotations of the Wheat: "I don't care about the money; I just want the stuff." – Leonard Simon

Google Glug:  Enables fish to call each other and laugh about idiot in wading boots.
                                                                                                                                        – Lenore Sklenazy

:  Nicole Kidman, 49
                                   John Goodman, 64
                                   Lionel Richie, 67
                                   Jean-Marie Le Pen, 88
                    June 21:  Joko Widodo, 55
                                   Benazir Bhutto (1953-2007)
                    June 22:  Cyndi Lauper, 63
                                   Meryl Streep, 67
                                   Elizabeth Warren, 67
                                   Kris Kristofferson, 80
                    June 23:  Frances McDormand, 59
                                   Young Marshall Moody (1822-1866)
                                   Josephine Bonaparte (1763-1814)
                                   Oda Nobunaga (1534-1582)
                    June 24:  Mick Fleetwood, 69
                    June 25:  James Meredith, 81
                                  

Zara Holland was stripped of her Miss Great Britain ti-
tle for engaging in sex on a TV reality show. . . . A man
showed his "sausage"  and a "waffle" lot of skin  as  he
tried to enter a Waffle House naked  in  Sandy  Springs,
Georgia. . . .A French teacher at a high school in Hous-
ton,  Texas,  doesn't  speak  French  (but took a year of
French in high school). . . . They were line twerking at
the Barn in Sanford, Florida. . . .An Australian woman
woke up to find a 16-foot, 70-pound python in her bed-
room. . . . Percentage of fatal car-pedestrian collisions
in which the driver was found to be drunk: 18. Percen-
tage in which the pedestrian was: 34.

              [courtesy the Frisky, HuffPost, NBC.com, AP]

                

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Shannon Fulbright, WM, 28, 5'11", 195 lbs, burglary, unauthorized use of a motor vehicle, too pretty to be locked up in the men's ward (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Well.  It's still more than two weeks to the All Star Game, and already the baseball stan-
dings have a "WCGB" column:  Wild Card Games Back. . . .

A sinkhole swallowed a green at a golf course near Branson, Missouri. . . .

 The Pennsylvania Turnpike is not a hazard to the golfers at the Oakmont Country Club
 at Pittsburgh,  where the U.S. Open was played last weekend;  the golfers are a hazard
 to the motorists.  But the golfers are required to yell  "Fore!"  if they hit a ball likely to
 cross the highway  (and they are required to carry motor vehicle insurance to cover in-
 jury by errant shot).

I live in a senior housing complex.  Most of the residents are
women in their 80's and 90's, some in their 60's and 70's; and
some men live here too.  One of the men sits on his sofa with
only his jockey shorts on, and leaves his door wide open.

Some of my colleagues say  whatever he does in his own
room is his own business, but I think he needs to close his
fucking door.  What do you think?
                                                            Bothered in Boston

J. Ewing wrote Sun 6/12/16 @13:11 EDT re
Bristol Palin's marriage to Dakota Meyer:

You realize this makes her  "Bristol  Meyer."
Guess they can name their next kid "Squibb"?

Honkin de Spain wrote Sat 6/11/16 re the June 5 dumb
news from Kentucky about the  felony  charges against
the  18  Wayne County High School  seniors  who  had
graffitied  their  school  and TP'd the trees around it in
celebration of their impending graduation:

What did they write with – a laser?  What about
reasonable punishment by the school, not by the
courts?  Like,  making them clean up their mess,
and withholding their diplomas  until  they  did?
Oh,  no,  say  the  Tough on Crime folks  –  let's
brand these kids for life  and blow their chances
for  decent  jobs  (not to mention college),  thus
teaching them how to be real criminals.

The level of the charges – criminal mischief in the first
degree  –  was based on a cleaning company's estimate
that repairs would cost more  than  a  thousand  dollars
and that further damage might be done  to a monument
sign  and  a  flagpole  in  attempts  to clean them.  Only
three of those charged had reached the age of  18  and,
thus,  legal adulthood.    – Editor


Anne di Hokspin wrote Sat 6/11/16 re the June 5 dumb
news from Indiana about  the  six  Catholics  who were
taken to a hospital  and  tested  positive  for  marijuana
after eating cookies given to them after mass:

They should have been taken to an amusement
park, or the movies, or a Baskin-Robbins.

Several readers had suggestions for the woman who
wrote  Dear  Eleanor,  in a letter published May 22,
that she was having  strong  feelings  for  her former
lover  and even told her present lover,  even  though
she  had  a  "better  relationship"  with the new man
– when Eleanor threw up her hands  and  asked  her
readers to advise the woman:

"Henrietta Housewife" wrote:

How's the money?  "A bird in the hand . . . ."

"Loretta Lust" wrote, re the line that "things are bor-
ing in the bedroom" with the new guy:

So spice it up!  It's not all his job . . . .

Hope Annis Kind wrote:

I had passionate feelings about an "ex," too.
That and a buck-and-a-half will  get  you  a
cup  of  coffee.    "The best lovers are often
the worst husbands."

And!   One of our readers nominated one of Lexing- ton's  most  wanted  (who appeared  in  our May 15 issue)  for  the annual Pe- nis  with  Ears  Lookalike Contest.      Steven Hawkins, WM,            20,  6' 2",  200 lbs.

Oh!  And we have a correction!   The Casey Lemon we
had in South Bend's most wanted June 5 turns out to be
Kasey Lemmon.  Same pitture; same vitals.  (Michiana
Crime Stoppers' bad, not ours.)    – Editor

Archaeologists uncovered a family graveyard in the middle
of a country road in Johnson County  –  bodies of one man,
two women and four children.

                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Kimberly Anne Johnson, WF, assault with a dangerous weapon; Marcus Divon Whiteside, BM, failure to renew sex offender license; Tiffany Marie Boyd, WF, larceny from a motor vehicle (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Kentucky remains the only state that elects constables – consti-
tutionally established law enforcement officers with  no  certifi-
cation or training required.
                                                  [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Lexington's most wanted: Shannon Kelly, WF, 33, 5'0", 115 lbs, love for sale; Destiny Suter, BF, 21, 5'3", 114 lbs, love for free (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

 (By the way,  we were right last week on our guess as to what offense for which  Reuben
  Moore was wanted.  On the present list he is the "featured fugitive of the week," and the
  offense is stated:  "First degree sexual abuse of a victim younger than 12."  – Editor)

"So, that’s what people are doing in the Starbucks bathroom when you’re waiting
 three fucking hours to pee."
                                                – Karen Fratti, in the Frisky, writing about a Brooklyn professor
                                                   who donates sperm to women by meeting them in Targets and
                                                   Starbucks and jerking off in the restrooms (he has 23 children)

Quotations of the Wheat: "About all that was meant to be, it was predestined,  might I remind   the faithful followers of the Quotations of the Wheat that if not for   the courage of the fearless crew,  the Minnow would be lost.    Yes,   the Minnow would be lost." – Leonard Simon

Philippines president-elect Rodrigo Duterte offered to
pay $119,000 to anyone who killed a drug dealer, and
a drug lord raised a bounty on Duterte’s head to a mil-
lion dollars. . . .  Nearly 10 million bees  swarmed  out
of a four-truck accident in North Carolina (one motor-
ist said he was stung 50 times).  . . . Thirteen  hundred
sheep roamed the streets of Huesca, Spain,  after their
shepherd fell asleep.  .  .  .  An  alligator  dragged  a 2-
year-old boy into a lake in Florida  but did not eat him
(he  was  found  drowned  after five gators were killed
for search of their innards). . . . A 7-year-old Japanese
boy abandoned on a highway by his parents for throw-
ing stones at cars was found six days later  (alive). . . .
Led  Zeppelin  was on trial in Los Angles,  California,
for  plagiarizing  "Stairway  to Heaven"  from  Spirit's
"Taurus." .  .  . "Nonbinary" was recognized as a "gen-
der" in Oregon.

                      [courtesy Harper's, Frisky, HuffPost, AP]

      

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Perla Vargas, HF, 41, 5'4", 150 lbs, assault causing bodily injury (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

An Iranian soccer player was suspended for wearing Sponge
Bob Square Pants.

I have been divorced for eight years.  My  ex-wife  and I are
on civil terms and text each other a few times a week,  regar-
ding our children and mutual friends.  But a few months ago,
during a rough stretch in my relationship with my lady friend
of three years, "Lily,"  I expressed some frustration in one of
those texts.

A week later Lily was spending the night,  and I awoke  at  2
a.m. in an empty bed.  I found her in the living room with my
cell phone, surfing my texts.  She was livid about the texts to
my ex, especially the one I mentioned.  She stormed out.

I apologized for my inappropriate communication with my ex;
but I feel that my privacy was invaded, and Lily has not apol-
ogized.  Am I "blameshifting"?
                                                                   Dazed in Davenport

J.  Ewing  wrote Tues 6/7/16 @03:58 EDT re a 5,000-
year-old tree in a Scottish churchyard that is said to be
changing "gender":

Which Right Wing Nutwad Republican will submit
legislation requiring  all  trees  to use the sexual as-
signments they began life with?

How long will it take the Christian Fundamentals to
organize a trip to Scotland to cut the offending tree
down and burn it?

And, which bathroom will it use?

So many unanswered questions.

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 6/5/16 @09:36 PDT:

Do we really need to be reminded every week
that Antonin Scalia once lived?

He will not be "really" dead until someone takes his
place on our Supreme Court.    – Editor

Police clocked a minivan carrying five Amish teens in north-
ern Indiana at 110 miles an hour (the driver was arrested for
DUI,  and all five – three boys and two girls – were charged
with alcohol consumption by minors).
                                                                          [WCMH-TV]
See also the Sports section.

    

South Bend's most wanted: Tamara Tierney, WF, 5'5", 130 lbs, Fraud, theft; Kamen McCallister, 5'10", 160 lbs, DUI, endangering the life of another; Deandre Luckett, BF, 5'5", 180 lbs, theft; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: James Dwayne Horston, BM, assault by strangulation, domestic violence 3rd off.;Joy Tanesha-Lashay Bell, BF, welfare fraud (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Governor Selfie restored the Kentucky Colonels with a nomi-
nation process on line.
                                            [courtesy the Henderson Gleaner]

A defeated Republican candidate for Congress who was one
of the plaintiffs in the lawsuit obtaining a restraining order a-
gainst the removal of a Confederate monument  from  a  Uni-
versity of Louisville site called a professor "a damn dirty black
bastard" in a Clutterbook Facebook post, and his lawyers ask-
ed the Court for leave to quit representing him (the restraining
order was dissolved, but the suit goes on). . . .

Protesters from the Westboro Baptist Church (Topeka,  Kan-
sas) demonstrated at Muhammad Ali's funeral procession in
Louisville (but apparently did not burn a Koran).

                                                  [courtesy the Courier-Journal]

Read more here: http://www.kentucky.com/news/local/crime/article82783362.html#storylink=cpy

Some of the 15,000 free tickets to Muhammad Ali's memorial
service in Louisville were scalped. . . .

Louisville filmmaker Matthew Fulks sued Beyondsay  Beyon-
cé in federal court in New York, alleging that ideas from a 20-
14 short film he made were used to create the trailer accompa-
nying her visual album "Lemonade." . . .

Edmonson County's dog catcher, who operated an animal res-
cue center for her county  and three others,  was charged with
animal cruelty.
                                         [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Dakota Meyer and Bristol Palin got married, but the venues
of both wedding and honeymoon were not reported.

                                                                [courtesy the Blaze]

    

"This is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action."

                                    – Dan Turner, father of Stanford University swimmer Brock Turner, who got
                                       only six months in jail for the rape of an intoxicated and unconscious co-ed

"If you, our listener out there, likes more . . . ."

                          – Emil Moffatt,  station manager,  WKYU-FM,  Bowling Green,  Ky.
                             (who thinks his first name is pronounced "ay-MEEL," not "AY-mul")

Quotations of the Wheat: "Hillary Clinton is so confident she has won the White House  that   she has picked out drapes, and a dog. The dog is a cross between   a shih-tzu and a bulldog.  It's a bullshit!" – Leonard Simon

Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Sarah A. Cheesman, WF, 28, 5'5", 145 lbs, criminal trespass, battery, rude manner; Brittany E. Cooker, a/k/a Sarah Conner, WF, 22, 5'1", 145 lbs, disobeying stop sign, no driver's license, drug paraphernalia; Desiree N. Sample, a/k/a Nikki Sample, WF, 28, 5'4", 120 lbs, disorderly conduct, brawling, fighting, domestic battery (City of Wichita)

Gavin C. Breckinridge, a/k/a Gavin C. McGow, BM, 25, 6'2", 230 lbs, possession of drug paraphernalia, domestic battery; Julilah S. Rodriguez, WF, 28, 5'3", 135 lbs, criminal deprivation of property, possession of drug paraphernalia, no driver's license, no insurance; Cody R. Bell, WM, 27, 5'10", 180 lbs, no seat belt, no driver's license, no insurance, domestic battery, petty theft

           

The Bible was translated into emoji. . . . A man gave a
group of Amish boys cans of beer at a store in Pennsyl-
vania, and later crashed his car into their horse and bug-
gy,  shouting  "Rumspringa!" . . . A  Scottish  teen-ager
hacked  into  a North Korean social network main web
page using  the  password  "password." . . . Three men
named Vasile Cepoi all were running for mayor in Dra-
guseni,  Romania  (and one of them is  the  incumbent).
.  .  . A statue of two girls taking a "selfie," erected out-
side the city hall of Sugar Land, Texas,  was one of ten
pieces of art donated by a citizen. .  .  .  A 38-year-old
man challenged his daughter to a duel in El Paso, Tex-
as (both fired shots). . . . A statistician found that Brit-
ish couples have less sex than they did  20  years  ago
because they bring their phones to bed with them. . . .
A New Yorker spent five months  imprisoned  on  Ri-
kers Island  not  knowing  he could be released on $2
bail. . . . Kuczynski beat Fujimori for President of Pe-
ru.
                                                 [courtesy Harper's, AP]

Just Dance With Me, a 3-year-old race horse, veered off the
track in Anderson, Indiana, plunged into a pond, and drown-
ed. . . .

Runners' personal GPS units told them that mile 11 of a ma-
rathon in South Bend, Indiana, was actually 1.38 miles.

If a single woman is having relations  with a married man,
she is known as his mistress. But what do you call a single
man who is having relations with a married woman?  Mis-
ter?
                                                 Curious in Macon, Georgia

Publius Leget wrote Sun 5/29/16 @10:29 CDT:

My son or my daughter (I don't remember which, and I
can't tell them apart), asked, "Can't I just have my own
bathroom at school?  All those other kids are creepy."

Amish dog breeders in Southern Indiana were  working  with
the Purdue University Center for Animal Welfare Science to
create standards. . . .

Grade school students in East Chicago chipped in for a bul-
letproof vest for a police dog. . . .

Gerard Arthus of Mishawaka  won the nomination for the state
Senate seat in District 10 at the Libertarian party state conven-
tion in April  and then the Republican nomination for the same
office in a primary election in May, challenging a state law lim-
iting candidates to nomination by only one party. . . .

Members of Protect Potawatomi Park were protesting a plan
to locate a new fire station near the zoo in South Bend. . . .

Governor  Mikey's  campaign  for re-election  was getting a
boost from a fund-raiser being held  in  St. Louis,  Missouri,
by August Busch III,  two Missouri congresspersons and an
investor  (who have already given him $135,000). . . .

One hundred fifteen cases of the mumps have been confirm-
ed at Indiana universities. . . .

Six mass attendants hospitalized after eating cookies given to
them after services all tested positive for marijuana in Elletts-
ville.
                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Casey Lemon, WF, 5'8", 225 lbs, possession of cocaine (and firewater), neglect of a dependent (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Alvin Lee Williams, BM, home invasion, assault by strangulation, domestic violence 3d offense; Demetrius Kwame Tate, BM, tampering with an electronic monitoring device, absconding parole; Jenifer Leigh Collis, WF, domestic violence 3d offense; William Lee Suggs, BM, assault by strangulation, domestic violence 3d offense; Eric Anthony Cleve, BM, home invasion (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Eighteen  seniors  – boys and girls –  were charged with felonies
for writing graffiti on the Wayne County High School monument
and all the windows they could reach  the  night  before  the last
day of school, and TP-ing the trees around the school. . . .

Governor  Selfie  suspended  the  issuance of Kentucky colonel-
ships pending his personal review of  the  criteria   (Department
of  Full  Disclosure:  The Editor of Tabloid Headlines is a "Ken-
tucky Colonel"). . . .

A man drove through a Memorial Day display of crosses at a park in Henderson (he was charged with criminal mischief and leaving the scene of an accident) (Lexington Herald-Leader)

Lexington's most wanted: Seth Dinsmore, WM, 23, 5'6", 125 lbs, 'featured fugitive' of the week, burglary, race and 'gender' identity confusion; Kimberly Dixie, BF, 38, 5'8", 160 lbs, race and 'gender' identity confusion (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

"There are no standards, and all systems have crashed."
                                                                                              – Natty Bumppo

"As awards go, Kentucky Colonel is right up there with being named a Duke of Paducah or
  an Honorary Page of the Kentucky House of Representatives, which I became as a toddler
  when my uncle was a legislator."
                                                                        – Tom Eblen, in the Lexington Herald-Leader

Read more here: http://www.kentucky.com/news/local/news-columns-blogs/tom-eblen/article80964487.html#storylink=cpy

" . . . Armenia . . . were the dark horses to win the tournament."

Quotations of the Wheat: "Here's a pickup line I've used, which you are welcome to use   without attribution or honor of copyright:  'Excuse me, miss,   but you must be the second prettiest girl in town!'   She  will   respond, of course, 'Well, who's the prettiest?',  to which you   reply,  'I have no idea!' " – Leonard Simon

Wanted in Waco: Lamonderia Lamond Williams, BM, 30, 6'0", 230 lbs, cocaine, unauthorized absence from correctional center; Eva Dena Younger, HF, 37, 5'6", 150 lbs, forgery; Christopher J. Allen, BM, 56, 5'11", 260 lbs, theft under $1,500, 3rd offense (City of Waco)

A system of rental of public park space was under attack
in San Francisco, California. . . . A 4-year-old boy fell in-
to the gorilla moat at the Cincinnati, Ohio, zoo; the goril-
la was shot and killed after he grabbed the child;  dozens
of people attended a Memorial Day service for the goril-
la, Harambe, and 138,000 people signed petitions to find
the boy responsible. . . . A decade-long study by an Eng-
lish university concluded that  barefoot children  behave
better and learn better than shod. . . .A python in a toilet
bit a man's penis in Thailand  (there's  video). . . .  A 23-
year-old hiker on Usery Mountain near  Mesa,  Arizona,
was stung to death by a thousand bees. . . . Twenty thou-
sand bees followed a car in which their queen  was  shut
up for two days in England. . . . A man paid for a speed-
ing ticket in Frisco, Texas,  with  23,041 pennies  (over-
paying by $7.81). . . . A blue lobster was caught off the
coast of Nova Scotia (there's video). . . . A  Saudi  shot
an  obstetrician  for delivering his wife's baby.  .  .  .  A
Fort  Hood  soldier  arrested for intoxication  in  Texas
fired a shotgun in the police car, escaped, stole an am-
bulance and,  still in handcuffs,  hit several police cars
with it before crashing into a pole. . . . Henry Heimlich,
96,  performed his maneuver for the first time in a real
emergency,  on an 87-year-old woman  living in the re-
tirement home he lives in in Cincinnati, Ohio. . . . On a
televised broadcast,  Sheikh Saleh Bin Fawzan Al-Faz-
wan, of the Saudi Council of Senior Scholars, told that
a "trend of taking pictures with cats "  was  spreading,
replied,  "What?!   What  do you mean  'pictures  with
cats'?   Taking  pictures  is  prohibited.  The cats don’t
matter here." . . . Glenn Beck was suspended by Sirius
XM Radio for agreeing with a guest who asked, "What
patriot will step up" to remove Donald Trump from of-
fice if he's elected President and oversteps his authori-
ty. . . . Paul  Ryan  opined that it's  "a little weird"  that
Axl Rose is now the lead singer of AC/DC. . . . Merri-
am-Webster decided that a hot dog is a sandwich.  . . .
One school bus rear-ended another  in  Benton, Wash-
ington,   injuring  21  students  and  a  bus  driver.  .  .  .

                                                    [courtesy Harper's, AP]

Alexandria Vera, 24, an English teacher in Houston, Texas, was arrested after being impregnated by a 13-year-old student, encouraged, she said, by his parents

Cuffed in Cleveland: Jessica Gonzelez, UF, 36, 5'2", 135 lbs, burglary; Rayshun Adrian Tyree, BM, 32, 6'1", 190 lbs, murder; Christie Sims, WF, 39, 5'3", 105 lbs, drugs (and firewater) (Cuyahoga County Crime Stoppers)

Rookie driver Alexander Rossi ran out of gasoline as he took
the checkered flag to win the Indianapolis 500 Mile Race (he
had to be towed back to the pits). . . .

Hazard on golf course at Lakeland, Florida - a 9-foot alligator; video . . . and at Marksville, Louisiana

If your office or family has a $20 limit on gift exchanges and you
find a $20 gift on sale  for  $10,  is that considered a $10 gift or a
$20 gift?
                                                             Pinching Pennies in Ohio