April 30, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket   –
the week's headlines
:

Obama & Hillary guilty of war crimes (Globe); Chuck Norris' crusade to save America (Examiner); What Trump doesn't know, 10 spies murdered in 15 months to bury proof of Putin election hacking (Enquirer); Child dies of injuries sustained in U.S. 25 crash (LEX18 - If you succumb to your injuries, folks, you have not "sustained" them - Ed., TH)
Obama & Hillary guilty of war crimes (Globe); Chuck Norris' crusade to save America (Examiner); What Trump doesn't know, 10 spies murdered in 15 months to bury proof of Putin election hacking (Enquirer); Child dies of injuries sustained in U.S. 25 crash (LEX18 - If you succumb to your injuries, folks, you have not "sustained" them - Ed., TH)

         wildwood.jpg Lightning split the steeple of the Wildwood Baptist Church in Temple, Texas (photo for the Temple Daily Telegram by Pastor Jared Morris)
wildwood.jpg Lightning split the steeple of the Wildwood Baptist Church in Temple, Texas (photo for the Temple Daily Telegram by Pastor Jared Morris)
LETTERS to the EDITOR:

J. Ewing wrote Sun 4/23/17 @15:11 EDT re Bill O'Reilly:

" .  .  . proposition them, and stomp on their careers when
they declined his advances."


Uh, I believe that alone would qualify as newsworthy sex-
ual  harassment,  without someone having to be physically
dragged down a flight of stairs.   
Prepare to have all your
female readers, who have probably experienced sexual ha-
rassment all their lives, point that out to you.
More heinous harassment by O'Reilly below. . . .


Henry Velenosi wrote Sun 4/2317 @10:5w PDT:

Didn't you mean "barista," not "baristo"?
Our source,  the Associated Press,  did, indeed, identify
The Unicorn Frappucino ranter as a Starbucks "barista";
but it identified him further as Braden Burson,  19,  and
the video showed a boy ranting,  not  a  girl.  And we're
thinking, "Isn't the masculine of that noun "baristo"?

So we ran to our Spanish dictionary,  and  neither  word
was to be found therein. And now we were wondering, is
"barista"  a  "Latino"/"Latina"  (you  know, "wetback" –
whatever)  word,  not  a  Spanish  word?   Like,  "back-
formed."

So then we went to Merriam-Webster's etymology, which
said the word is Italian (not Spanish or "Latino").

So we went to our Italian dictionary, and there it was: "sm-
/f 
barista: barman/maid"  (the "sm/f" indicated noun, mas-
culine/feminine).


But, w
hy "barista" and not "baristo" (or both)?  It's clearly
a feminine form (bet there's something cultural here).
And
where does that leave "Mafioso" – "Mafiosa"?

We decided to go with "baristo" to save the guy "transgen-
der" distress.
                                                                               – Editor
Dumb news from Indiana:
A  "duck  boat"  carrying 20 passengers will cruise three
rivers – the Saint Joe, the Saint Mary and the Maumee –
and  the  streets  to give tourists multiple  views  of  Fort
Wayne.
                            [courtesy Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette]

The 51,421 residents of Elkhart were warned to stay in-
doors after fire broke out in the landfill,  sending a huge
plume of smoke billowing over the city.   Schools  were
dismissed early.
                                         [courtesy South Bend Tribune]

Brad  Fox,  who disabled the transmission of his wife's car
when changing the oil, was elected village idiot of the town
of Story in
Brown County.

                                 [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Not only was Ann Coulter's address at the University of Cal-
ifornia canceled, but also Rob Lowe's speech at Depauw U-
niversity was postponed.
                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

daviolee.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Marces Riley, BM, 6'0", 140 lbs, battery, trespass; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigandaviolee.jpg Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Daviontae Leandre Gulldge, BM, larceny by conversion; Paige Lee Wohlfert, WF, assault on police officer; Virginia Bobo, UF, home invastion; Carl Alexander Zinn, WM, welfare fraud (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
daviolee.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Marces Riley, BM, 6'0", 140 lbs, battery, trespass; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigandaviolee.jpg Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Daviontae Leandre Gulldge, BM, larceny by conversion; Paige Lee Wohlfert, WF, assault on police officer; Virginia Bobo, UF, home invastion; Carl Alexande Zinn, WM, welfare fraud (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A school bus swerved to avoid a deer in Perry County and hit
a tree, injuring the driver and 12 pupils.
. . .

Organizers of the Rally for Equality and American Values  at
the University of Pikeville, in counterprotest to the Tradition-
alist Worker Party's white supremacy rally,  canceled their e-
vent out of safety concerns. . . .

Linkin Bridge,  a popular black quartet in Louisville, released
a new recording of "My Old Kentucky Home,"  and it is better
than any version of the National Anthem you have heard at any
sporting event in the last 25 years (but they don't sing about the
"darkies"). . . .

A University of Kentucky co-ed  reported  being  sexually  as-
saulted by her Uber driver in a campus parking garage. . . .

A man attacked two co-eds with a machete in a Transylvania U-
niversity coffee shop in Lexington (he spared Republicans). . . .

The circuit court judge for Barren and Metcalfe counties said
he would recuse himself from gay adoption cases. . . .

The mayor of Danville, who already paid a $50 fine in Febru-
ary for his pet white husky's running loose five times in the ci-
ty's business area, was cited again when the dog got loose two
more times.
                                                                        [courtesy LEX18]
thawnita.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Thawn Johnson, BM, 43, phony name; Anita Miller, BF 52, 5'9", 170 lbs, phony hair; Tabatha Spencer, WF, 36, 5'3", 180 lbs, witchcraft; Lisa Gordon, WF, 56, 5'5", 120 lbs, impersonating Iggy Pop (Ozzy Osbourne?) (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

laronsta.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Laron Cobb, BM, 36, 5'10", 230 lbs, a/k/a La-RON a/k/a LAY-ron, robbery; Stacey R. Smith, WF, 35, 5'8", 200 lbs, a/k/a Bruiser, robbery; Edna Drury, WF, 40, 5'2", 120 lbs, a/k/a Loser, probation viol.; Ashley Jones, BF, 21, 5'1", 130 lbs, a/k/a Sweetie a/k/a Honey a/k/a Cutie, robbery; Jesse Williams, BM, 27, 5'6", 140 lbs, a/k/a Bubba, robbery (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
thawnita.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Thawn Johnson, BM, 43, phony name; Anita Miller, BF 52, 5'9", 170 lbs, phony hair; Tabatha Spencer, WF, 36, 5'3", 180 lbs, witchcraft; Lisa Gordon, WF, 56, 5'5", 120 lbs, impersonating Iggy Pop (Ozzy Osbourne?) (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader); laronsta.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Laron Cobb, BM, 36, 5'10", 230 lbs, a/k/a La-RON a/k/a LAY-ron, robbery; Stacey R. Smith, WF, 35, 5'8", 200 lbs, a/k/a Bruiser, robbery; Edna Drury, WF, 40, 5'2", 120 lbs, a/k/a Loser, probation viol.; Ashley Jones, BF, 21, 5'1", 130 lbs, a/k/a Sweetie a/k/a Honey a/k/a Cutie, robbery; Jesse Williams, BM, 27, 5'6", 140 lbs, a/k/a Bubba, robbery (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)

Quotation of the week:
                                            "A dictionary should not be a periodical."
                                                                                                                     – Giovanni Gramernozzi

Quotations repeated every week:
                                                        "That's right. . . .  Exactly."

                                                                                                       –
  
Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"Pickup line for the over 65:  'I'll show you my AARP card if you'll show
  me yours'."
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Old Backus Barleywine Ale.


Stupid business slogans:
"St. Pete and Clearwater offer 35 miles of white sand beach-
  es, only 90 minutes west of Orlando." – VISIT FLORIDA
– or, how 'bout, "only 9 minutes west of Tampa"?

Birthdays:
                    April 24:  Kelly Clarkson, 35
                                     Cedrick the Entertainer, 53
                                     Barbra Streisand, 75
     
               April 25:  Talia Shire, 71
                    April 26:  Bobby Rydell, 75
                                    
Duane Eddy, 79, "country singer"
                    April 27:  Sheena Easton, 58
                                     Anouk Aimée, 85
                    April 28:  Ann-Margret (Olsson), 76
                    April 29:  God Shammgod, 41
                                     Willie Nelson, 84
                                     Hirohito (1901-1989)
                    April 30:  Cloris Leachman, 91

Deaths:
                Robert Pirsig, 88
                Jonathan Demme, 73
                Pauline "Paula" Burgess, 89
                Jahmel "Mikeie" Carter Sr., 36
                Robert "Tom" Drake, 62
                Kiloisha La'Nae Holley, 21
                patriman.jpg Patricia Anne Howard, 66 (published in Louisville Courier-Journal April 23-29) née Patrick?
                Monedria ToShay Malone, 35
                De'Ante' Washington, 29
                Jeceria Lenice Whittle, 24
                Ta'Nea Woods, 22
                                                                    [Louisville Courier-Journal]
patriman.jpg Patricia Anne Howard, 66 (published in Louisville Courier-Journal April 23-29) née Patrick?

Unisex name of the week:  Allison.

pronouncs.jpg Mallard Fillmore: "Campus unrest continues as some students and faculty call for bans on gender-specific pronouns; others support individual pronoun choice, while many had never heard of a pronoun before"; "So they, like, get paid to be nouns, right?"
pronouncs.jpg Mallard Fillmore: "Campus unrest continues as some students and faculty call for bans on gender-specific pronouns; others support individual pronoun choice, while many had never heard of a pronoun before"; "So they, like, get paid to be nouns, right?"

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A new biography of President Richard Nixon reveals an illegal pre-election
subversion of Vietnam peace negotiations. . . . A 12-year-old boy drove 800
miles across Australia (not quite coast to coast). . . . A herd of 150 cattle fol-
lowed a beaver across a farm in Canada (there's video). . . . Former Fox TV
news analyst Kirsten Powers accused Bill O'Reilly of calling her blonde. . . .
An excess of meltwater from the 15,000-square-mile Kaskawulsh Glacier in
Canada's Yukon Territory caused a river to reverse direction. . . . A state sen-
ate committee in Michigan approved a law to prohibit undercover police' hav-
ing  sex  with  prostitutes.  . . .  A 7-year-old Chinese boy survived a 10-story
leap from an apartment building using an umbrella for a parachute. . . . A wo-
man pulled a dent out of her car door with the suction cup  of a floor-mounta-
able dildo (there's video). . . . The Tennessee House of Representatives, inclu-
ding members of its black caucus (who said they were tricked), voted 94-0 to
adopt a resolution honoring the memory of Nathan Bedford Forrest,  founder
of the Ku Klux Klan. . . . Coca-Cola disputed a South Dakotan's claim that he
found a mouse in a can of Coke. . . . Hundreds of men, gay and straight, were
"asking for it" by wearing tutus to bars, school, work and church in Wyoming.

                                                       
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, HuffPost, AP]

patrided.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Patricia Garcia, HF, 23, 5'2", 140 lbs, endanger a child MTR; Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Deandrea Dawn Bruce a/k/a Dededa, 41, 180 lbs, 5'2", wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) for bond revocation, engage in organized criminal activity (Talk 1290)
patrided.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Patricia Garcia, HF, 23, 5'2", 140 lbs, endanger a child MTR; Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Deandrea Dawn Bruce a/k/a Dededa, 41, 180 lbs, 5'2", wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) for bond revocation, engage in organized criminal activity (Talk 1290)
.
The sports:
A professional tennis match in Sarasota, Florida, was
interrupted by the sound of a woman  moaning  from
the pleasure of sex in  a  nearby  apartment.  Michell
Krueger, the receiver, hit a ball toward the apartment;
and the server, Frances Tiafoe, yelled, "It can't be that
good!"

Dear Eleanor:
My husband and I welcomed a beautiful baby girl into
the world three months ago.  She's our first child,  and
the love of our lives.  I got 12 weeks' leave from work
after she was born, and I cherished the time.  I've been
back to work for two weeks now.   The  first  day  was
difficult;  I cried several times.  Eventually  I  got  back
in the groove of working.

But yesterday my husband texted me while I was at work
to let me know our daughter had rolled over for the first
time.  I was so proud!  But then the sadness kicked in.  I
wasn't there to see it.

This morning I overslept by almost an hour.  I had just e-
nough time to pump and get a quick shower  before  hav-
ing to run out the door to go to work.  I missed the preci-
ous time I have in the morning when she nurses.

I've always considered myself a strong woman, who can
take on whatever difficulties life throws my way.  Retur-
ning to work is one thing I'm not sure I'm  strong  enough
to take on.   All I can think of is how many more "firsts"
I'm going to miss.  How do working moms do it?   How
do you balance working and being there for your child?
Not working is not a financial option.
                                                            Heartbroke Mom

Dear Heartichoke:
                                    OK, you dumb bitch,  get a grip!  Either
                                    be a professional woman or a "full time
                                    mom."  Obviously you are not qualified
                                    as a "working mom." Just make up your
                                    alleged mind!   If  "not working  is not a
                                    financial option,"  get you an IUD.


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Maran Korneliussen "
        titled "
Lawanda aipek! How are things?!
"


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Next  Sunday's
meeting, however, will be at the main hotel in Dang Dong, China.
Zeninjor  Enwemeka  will be guest speaker.  The  following  Sun-
day's meeting will be in Dong Dang, Vietnam  (Ho Chi Minh will
speak, by video recording).

lifeearn.jpg Life Saver Dude: Dude! Are you the girl called Earnest?
lifeearn.jpg Life Saver Dude: Dude! Are you the girl called Earnest?

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



April 23, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket   –
the week's headlines
:


Trump: Lock her up! She's a traitor! Hillary the real Russian spy, caught passing classified intelligence, treason indictement (Globe); Wynonna Judds's daughter busted with meth (Enquirer); Celine Dion turns rotten at Bee Gees tribute (Enquirer); Trump orders White House phones covered with tin foil (Borowitz Report); O'Reilly calls black Foxer 'Hot Chocolate' (the Root)
Trump: Lock her up! She's a traitor! Hillary the real Russian spy, caught passing classified intelligence, treason indictement (Globe); Wynonna Judds's daughter busted with meth (Enquirer); Celine Dion turns rotten at Bee Gees tribute (Enquirer); Trump orders White House phones covered with tin foil (Borowitz Report); O'Reilly calls black Foxer 'Hot Chocolate' (the Root)


What did he do?    – a Tabloid Headlines editorial:
Did Bill O'Reilly do anything with these women – like, grab them by
the boobs and in the crotch?  Or did he just slur them (as he does ev-
eryone else), and proposition them, and stomp on their careers when
they declined his advances?

We need some sordid detail if we are to have  a  tabloid  news  item.
Here's some detail, in the Daily Beast;  but it's not much  (except for
an incident in which he drags his wife down a stairway – but,  is that
sexual harassment or mere domestic abuse?).

We mean, was this guy a womanizer, or just a wannabe?

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Chris Vosburg wrote Sun 4/16/17 @12:15 PDT re the greeter fired for
not reporting a wild turkey at a Wal-Mart in Waukesha, Wisconsin:
He should have just greeted the critter like any other customer:
"Welcome to Wal-Mart!  We have some great birdseed!"

Stephen Yates wrote Sun 4/16/7 @13:37 CDT:
When did they move the Boyle County Jail from Danville to
Catlettsburg?
Our bad.  It was the Boyd County Jail.  We misread the paper.    – Ed.


Publius Leget wrote Sun 4/16/17 @10:05 CDT:
So, what's with Jack Leeroy Burks?
We put him in for that middle name,  mainly.  Nearly
everyone pronounces the name LEE-roy,  but usually
only blacks spell it that way; and Jackie is, obvious-
ly,  a white boy.  But Leroy or Leeroy,  it's a redneck
name,whoever wears it – quite in contrast to its der-
ivation, le roi (Fr.):  "Le roi,  c'est moi!" (pron. "luh
RWAH,  seh MWA"):  "The king, that's me."    – Ed.


Unisex name of the week: 
Hugh.


Funny beer brands:  Workman's Compensation.


Dumb news from Indiana:
In order to stop one convenience store chain that found  a  legal
loophole for selling cold beer to go (it sold enough food to qual-
ify as a "restaurant"),  legislative leaders formulated a plan  that
would require 60 per cent of alcohol sales to be for drinking on
site (but exempting fraternal clubs, golf courses, marinas, hotels,
resorts, and – the Catholic Church?).

                                                     [courtesy Columbus Republic]

The Carmel City Council voted down a proposed ordinance that
would have required motorists to make right turn signals  to  exit
roundabouts.
                                                        [courtesy Indianapolis Star]
hursniad.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Erica Hursey, BF, 5'4", 190 lbs, theft, hussy; Cody Woody, WM, 5'8", 140 lbs, residential entry, real; Hope Sniadecki, WF, 5'6", 100 lbs, fraud, fake!
hursniad.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Erica Hursey, BF, 5'4", 190 lbs, theft, hussy; Cody Woody, WM, 5'8", 140 lbs, residential entry, real; Hope Sniadecki, WF, 5'6", 100 lbs, fraud, fake!
    stefmatt.jpg Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Stefan Marcellous McCree, BM, domestic violence; Matthew Corey Briley, WM, assault by strangulation; Jonathan Javar Wade, BM, domestic violence (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
stefmatt.jpg Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Stefan Marcellous McCree, BM, domestic violence; Matthew Corey Briley, WM, assault by strangulation; Jonathan Javar Wade, BM, domestic violence (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
teddyjen.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Teddy Hendren, 24, WM, 6'1", got arrested to be with these girls, then found out jail was segregated; Jennifer Owens, WF, 28, 5'3", 120 lbs, our little girl is growing up; Mary Smith, WF, 29, 5'6", 104 lbs, hot Jumanji monkey sex; [Ciearra Foster] you met her last week (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
teddyjen.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Teddy Hendren, 24, WM, 6'1", got arrested to be with these girls, then found out jail was segregated; Jennifer Owens, WF, 28, 5'3", 120 lbs, our little girl is growing up; Mary Smith, WF, 29, 5'6", 104 lbs, hot Jumanji monkey sex; [Ciearra Foster] you met her last week (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

A tow boat
carrying 17,500 gallons of diesel fuel, 150 gallons of
lubricating oil, and 150 gallons of hydraulic oil sank in  the  Mis-

sissippi River near Columbus, Ky. (no loss of life was reported).


                                                                             
        [courtesy LEX18]
Quotation of the week:
"An ant colony is every bit as complex and organized as human society.  In fact it is more
  organized because there are no teen-agers."
                                                                            – Dave Barry
Quotation of the weak:

            "It is tremendously disheartening that we part ways due to completely unfounded claims.  But that is
              the unfortunate reality that many of us in the public eye must live with today."
                                                                                                        
                                   Bill O'Reilly 

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"Hell, no! I haven't snorted too much coke!  I'm still doing it,
  aren't I?"
– Leonard Simon

Birthdays:
                    April 17:  Victoria Beckham ("Posh Spice"), 43
                                    Norman Julius "Boomer" Esiason, 56
                    April 18: lailsonp.jpg Ailson Sanders, 34

                                    Ailson Sanders, 34
                                    Ali Khamenei, 78
                    April 19:  Genya Ravan, 77
                    April 20:  John Paul Stevens, 97
                    April 21:  Queen Elizabeth II, 91
                    April 22:  Jack Nicholson, 80
                                     Queen Isabella (1451-1504)
                                     Willem I. Kerricx the Young (1642-1745)
                    April 23:  Alexandria Zuck ("Sandra Dee," 1942-2005)
                                     Allison Krause  (1951-1970
, the girl killed by the National Guard at Kent State University
                                        – Alison Krauss,
45,  the singer and fiddle player born July 23, 1971,  has her first name
                                        spelled the usual way for girls – one "l": It's derived from Alis, French for Alice. Allison
                                        – two "l"s – is more common for men and surnames. By the way, we know a lovely lady
                                        here in the County whose parents named her Ailson – same pronunciation. See this, too.
                                        – Editor)
lailsonp.jpg Ailson Sanders, 34

Deaths:
                Emma Morano, 117
                Erin Moran, 56
                Aaron Hernandez, 37
                Thomas "Tom" Chrzczon, 59
               
Dennis "Humpty" Cummins, 82
               
Horatio Delibasic Clevelane Harris, 37
               
Ricky LeeMichael "Rick Ali" Jones, 29
                Duplee "Tootsie" Logue, 74
               
The Rev. Edward Moray Peoples Jr., 78
                The Rev. Edward Moray Peoples Jr., 78
                Charles William "Bill" Young, 85
               
Charles William "Billy" Young, 85
bracketr.jpg
    same person, in same newspaper,
    on same day
                                                                                                             [Louisville Courier-Journal]
billalon.jpg Billy Dake, WM, 42, a/k/a Dilly Brake, 6'1", 170 lbs, upside down ears; Alonzo-Harden, BF, 20, a/k/a Tiara, 5'2", 155 lbs, robbery; Aneka Wood, WF, 38, 5'9", 260 lbs, overstay at the China Buffet; Paul Fisheer Jr., 19, 6'3", 230 lbs, a/k/a Spaceman, unauthorized absence (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
billalon.jpg Billy Dake, WM, 42, a/k/a Dilly Brake, 6'1", 170 lbs, upside down ears; Alonzo-Harden, BF, 20, a/k/a Tiara, 5'2", 155 lbs, robbery; Aneka Wood, WF, 38, 5'9", 260 lbs, overstay at the China Buffet; Paul Fisheer Jr., 19, 6'3", 230 lbs, a/k/a Spaceman, unauthorized absence (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Three corpses were dropped from a low-flying plane in Mexico. . . . A doc-
tor called as a witness at the trial for custody of Alex Jones' children testi-
fied that the alt-right radio broadcaster had narcissistic personality disord-
er
. . . . A city councilman in Overtornea, Sweden, introduced a bill to give
workers weekly sex breaks. . . . The Illinois House of Representatives de-
clared March "Zombie Preparedness Month.". . . A deputy sheriff inWash-
ington County, Georgia, had his ex-wife arrested for  criminal  defamation
over a Clutterbook Facebook post. . . . A transgender wo(man?)  sued  the
state of Idaho for refusing to change the gender (sex?) listed on  her  (his?)
driver's license. . . .  A Starbucks baristo in Colorado posted a video urging
customers not to order the new  Unicorn  Frappuccino,  which contains no
coffee  and leaves the makers  with 
sticky  hands,  clothes  and  hair  from
handling all the ingredients. . . . Jehovah's Witnesses were banned as extre-
mists in Russia.
                                                                    [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
The sports:
The University of Kentucky baseball team  scored  a
7-2-6 triple play against the University of Louisville,
that started with a fly ball to left field  with  runners
on first and third bases (not on second and third,  as
most news sources reported).  Such a triple play is
said to have occurred  only  once  in  Major League
Baseball.


gingerob.jpg Ginger Lorrine Zimmer, 24, black hair, brown [eyes], 110 lbs, 5'4", surety off blond, tamper/fabricarte evidence; Robert Wayne Nettles, 28, brown hair, blu[e eyes] 161 lbs, 6'3", forgery; Victoria Elena Robledo, 24, black hair / brown [eyes], blond revocation, possession of controlled substance; Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas), Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week
gingerob.jpg Ginger Lorrine Zimmer, 24, black hair, brown [eyes], 110 lbs, 5'4", surety off blond, tamper/fabricarte evidence; Robert Wayne Nettles, 28, brown hair, blu[e eyes] 161 lbs, 6'3", forgery; Victoria Elena Robledo, 24, black hair / brown [eyes], blond revocation, possession of controlled substance; Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas), Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week

Dear Abby (guest columnist – Eleanor is on vacation):
For 17 years I've been going to the same hairstylist, "Marietta,"
because  she  does great cuts and color.   She's married  to  my
cousin,  "Gil,"  but not for long;  they're divorcing.

Gil's mother suggested that I should find a different stylist;  and
I tried, but I had horrible results.  I returned to Marietta,  and it
took her several appointments to correct my hair.

Some of the family are furious with me, but I like what Marietta
does for me.  We don't discuss family, or the divorce.  Do I owe
my family, or even Gil's immediate family, an apology?

                                                                    Snipped in California
Dear Snippet:
                            Tell Gil's mother to stay out of your hair – or, "Curl
                            up and dye."



Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Reshieka Robinson-uribe"
        titled "
Badri Mena! What are you up to?!."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include Beth Accomando.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

 
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above,
without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines
or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)

lifenobl.jpg Life Saver Dude: Dude! You look absolutely Noble accepting that prize! (Northwestern University professor Sir J. Fraser Stoddart received Nobel price in chemistry from King Car XVI Gustaf of Sweden Dec. 10, 2016)
lifenobl.jpg Life Saver Dude: Dude! You look absolutely Noble accepting that prize! (Northwestern University professor Sir J. Fraser Stoddart received Nobel price in chemistry from King Car XVI Gustaf of Sweden Dec. 10, 2016)

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



April 16, 2017:   Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket   –
the week's headlines
:

Very Old Barton, Gorsuch takes fifth (Strange Times); Barry Manilow: My untold story (People); Starsky & Hutch deathbed reunion, crippled David Soul fighting for every breath (Globe)
Very Old Barton, Gorsuch takes fifth (Strange Times); Barry Manilow: My untold story (People); Starsky & Hutch deathbed reunion, crippled David Soul fighting for every breath (Globe)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Lily Allen wrote (and sang):
Fuck you.
Unisex name of the week:  Ralph.

Funny beer brands:  Pseudo Sue.

Dumb news from Indiana
:
Hoosier "craft beers"  Leg  Spreader  ESB,  Stacked Double
IPA, Sex and Candy IPA, and Naughty Girl Belgian Blonde
Ale  figured  in All About Beer magazine editor John Holl's
column asking brewers to clean it up.
                                                                 [Indianapolis Star]

Another wild turkey slammed into the windshield of a motor
vehicle, this time in Danville, in central Indiana, winding up
in the rear hatch of the SUV (the driver survived with minor
injuries). . . .

The legislature passed a bill to outlaw the use of drones for
"peeping."
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

jomerand.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana crime stoppers) Joseph Keltz,, 5'10", 150 lbs, aggravated ears; Meranda Sandefur, 5'2", 110 lbs, cocaine, theft (and, is that a pimple or a birth mark?); Brian Ross, 5'9", 165 lbs, intimidation; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Jamar Laquel Harris Sr., BM, domestic violence; Jack Leeroy Burks, WM, sex offender, failure to reg.
jomerand.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana crime stoppers) Joseph Keltz,, 5'10", 150 lbs, aggravated ears; Meranda Sandefur, 5'2", 110 lbs, cocaine, theft (and, is that a pimple or a birth mark?); Brian Ross, 5'9", 165 lbs, intimidation; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Jamar Laquel Harris Sr., BM, domestic violence; Jack Leeroy Burks, WM, sex offender, failure to reg.
Resplendent news from Kentucky:
canola12.jpg

                                            Springtime in Kentucky:  Canola crop, Warren County
   

   canola04.jpg

                                                        (Tabloid Headlines photos and postcards)

   canola03.jpg
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Eight women prisoners were hospitalized from snorting too
much heroin at the Boyle County Jail in Catlettsburg. . . .

A school bus and a pickup truck crashed at a busy intersec-
tion in Stanford,  and police were still trying to  figure  out
who ran the red light. . . .

  earlhail.jpg Isaack Earlywine, Haileigh Buford, vandalism arrests, Fleming County, Flemingsburg (LEX18)
Earlywine,  18,  and Buford,  20,  were charged with spray-
painting vulgar messages and a swastika on 13 cars,  a boat
and a trailer, "tagging" city streets and defacing an intersec-
tion. . . .
earlhail.jpg Isaack Earlywine, Haileigh Buford, vandalism arrests, Fleming County, Flemingsburg (LEX18)

A truck flipped on a highway in Pulaski County spilling 32
cows
(several of whom died). . . .

Daisy the Curious Calf climbed into a barn loft in Rockcas-
tle County and showed no inclination to come back down. . . .

The state agriculture department was bur ning 100 pounds of
hemp that contain  more  THC  than  the law allows  (and the
hippies gathered round). . . .

Volunteers, including high schoolers, held a senior prom for
the residents of a nursing home in Bath County. . . .

A new curfew makes it unlawful for persons under 18 to be
out in Lexington after midnight. . . .

A state worker sued the state Transportation Cabinet for sex
discrimination, alleging that someone shit on the floor of her
office  and  pissed  on her chair  (when she arose from it her
pants were wet).
                                                                    [courtesy LEX18]
kaylarmc.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Kayla Lee, (race unknown) F, 21, 5'6", 5'5", 120 lbs, looking for love in all the wrong places; Armand Napier, BM, 25, 5'9", 135 lbs, you tell us (he looks guilty); Ciearra Foster, BF, 23, 5'5", 128 lbs, "featured fugitive of the week," robbery (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
kaylarmc.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Kayla Lee, (race unknown) F, 21, 5'6", 5'5", 120 lbs, looking for love in all the wrong places; Armand Napier, BM, 25, 5'9", 135 lbs, you tell us (he looks guilty); Ciearra Foster, BF, 23, 5'5", 128 lbs, "featured fugitive of the week," robbery (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Resolutions passed by both houses of the legislature the last day
of the session specified that all resolutions include  "in the Year
of our Lord
" in the adoption date.
                                                           
[courtesy Herald-Leader]
 
Quotations of the week:
                                            "He'll make America hate again."
                                                                                                           – Fred Dean
"My recent flight to Fort Lauderdale was so turbulent, and death seemed so imminent, that women
 and children were screaming, 'It's the end of time!'   So I gave them my watch."
                                                                                                                                      – Gary Logsdon
                            "You'll make America late again."
                                                                                         – Fred Dean
Quotations of the weak:
                                            " . . . between he and Rebecca Mason."
                                                                                        
                        Debbie Elliott
                                  "Mickey Mouse Rat."
                                                                       Sandra Tsing Loh

        "Hitler
brought them [the Jews] into the Holocaust centers, I understand that.  But I’m saying that
         in the way Assad used them,  where he went into towns,   dropped them down to innocent  –  into
         the middle of towns . . . I appreciate the clarification there."
                                                                                                               – Sean Spicer

        "Nobody remembers who John Hancock was, but . . . he wrote his name so bigly . . . ."
                                                                                                                                                        Neil Gorsuch

Quotations repeated every week:
                                                        "It's exactly what I expected."
                                                                                                            Frieda Hall
           "Exactly. . . .  Exactly.  Exactly."

                                                                   –
  
Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"Two things you never hear a man say are, 'I have a low IQ'
 and 'I have a little pecker'
."
– Leonard Simon

Birthdays:
                    April 10:  John Madden, 81
                                     Theodosius the Younger (401-450)
                    April 11:  Ethel Kennedy, 89
                                     Frederick the Warlike (1370-1428)
                    April 12:  Vince Gill, 60
                                     David Letterman, 70
                                     Ferdinand the Good Natured (1793-1875)
                                     Antonio da Sangallo the Younger (1484-1546)
                                     Mahavira the 24th Tirthankara of Jainism (599-527 B.C.)
                    April 13:  Nellie McKay, 35
                    April 14:  Pete Rose, 76
                                     Loretta Lynn, 87 (she says 85)
                    April 15:  Roy Clark, 84
                                     Guru Nanak (1469-1539)
                    April 16:  Cat Osterman, 34
                                     Lara Dutta, 39
                                     Jim Lonborg, 75
                                     Bobby Vinton, 82
                                     Pope Benedict, 90
                
                    Mary Isobel Catherine Bernadette O'Brien ("Dusty Springfield," 1939–1999)
                                     Louis the Pious (778-840)
Deaths:
                Dan Rooney, 82
                J. Geils, 71
                Kristy Casebolt, 34
               
Virginia Alene Skaggs Abell DeSpain, 92
               
Dreatta Louise Hardesty, 82
                John Joe Mattingly, 67
                John Lee Mattingly, 62
                Johnny Leo Mattingly, 70
                Mary Alice Mattingly, 86
                The Rev. Edward Moray Peoples Jr., 78 (obituary ordered published in the Louisville
                Laverne Shirley, 76                                   Courier-Journal March 28 through April 16)
                                                  [Courier-Journal]
jonadyla.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Jonathan M. Reno, WM, 28, 6'0", 160 lbs, petty theft, drug paraphernalia; Wanted in Waco: Dylan Kendziorski, WM, 22, 5'7", 180 lbs, tampering with evidence (City of Wichita, Waco Crime Stoppers)

    kathkrys.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Kathleen Wood, WF, 35, 5'9", 140 lbs, injury to a child; Krystopher Bertholf, WM, 20, 6'0", 150 lbs, indecency with a child (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
jonadyla.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Jonathan M. Reno, WM, 28, 6'0", 160 lbs, petty theft, drug paraphernalia; Wanted in Waco: Dylan Kendziorski, WM, 22, 5'7", 180 lbs, tampering with evidence (City of Wichita, Waco Crime Stoppers); kathkrys.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Kathleen Wood, WF, 35, 5'9", 140 lbs, injury to a child; Krystopher Bertholf, WM, 20, 6'0", 150 lbs, indecency with a child (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A dead bat was found in a packaged tossed salad purchased at a Wal-
Mart in Florida. . . . Teen dwarfs in Kansas and Connecticut attended
each other's prom. .  .  . The Israeli Labor Party postponed leadership
elections in Tel Aviv to avoid a conflict with a Britney Spears concert.
. . .  President Trump proclaimed April  "National  Sexual  Assault  A-
wareness and Prevention Month." . . .The stock price of the Raytheon
Company,  manufacturer of Tomahawk missiles,  surged after U.S. air
strikes on Syria. . . . A 13-year-old boy in Forest Park,  Georgia, acci-
dentally shot himself to death on Instantspam Instagram "Live" as his
friends watched. . . . An 8-year-old boy drove himself and his 4-year-
old sister to McDonald's in the family car in East Palestine, Ohio, and
ordered hamburgers in the drive-through. . . . Mozart's  starling  might
have preferred Bach. . . .The U.S. dropped a "MOAB" ("massive ord-
nance air blast" or "mother of all bombs") on Afghanistan. . . . A wild
turkey walked into a Wal-Mart in Waukesha,Wisconsin; and the greet-
er,  88,  was fired for not walking it out.  . . . The  sculpture  "Fearless
Girl
" challenged the sculpture "Charging Bull" near Wall Street.

                                                            [courtesy Harper's,
LEX18, AP]

damimary.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Damishia Walker, 26, black hair brown eyes, 145 lbs, 5'4", burglary of habitation with intent felony; Mary Isabel Castro, 31, red hair, brown eyes, 185 lbs, 5'3", bond revocation, manufacture/delivery of controlled substance in drug free zone
                                     gerwayne.jpg Gerald Wayne Palmer, 65, grey hair, brown eyes, 188 lbs, 6'0", fail to comply with registration requirements
damimary.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Damishia Walker, 26, black hair brown eyes, 145 lbs, 5'4", burglary of habitation with intent felony; Mary Isabel Castro, 31, red hair, brown eyes, 185 lbs, 5'3", bond revocation, manufacture/delivery of controlled substance in drug free zone; gerwayne.jpg Gerald Wayne Palmer, 65, grey hair, brown eyes, 188 lbs, 6'0", fail to comply with registration requirements
Dear Eleanor:
I have no idea who I am.

What I mean is that my father's parents are a mystery.
My sister and I were told  that our grandmother died
giving birth to him.   We never knew her name.   We
have sent money to the Pennsylvania Division of Vi-
tal Records, and no record of my father's birth exists
there.   We have sent money several times to the Ro-
man Catholic Diocese of Pittsburgh for baptism, first
communion  and confirmation information,  but  have
found none.

My sister thinks the Church may be  hiding  something.
We were told our father's sister was a nun; so perhaps
she is his real mother. Or perhaps he was adopted. We
have tried ancestry websites to no avail.  We  are  now
beginning to wonder whether our last name is even ac-
curate!  There are television shows  that  help  celebri-
ties discover where they came from;  but not being cel-
ebrities, where can we turn?
                                                                    Who Am I?

Dear Hu Yu:
                        Have you asked your mother?   Or  is  she  an-
                        other  suspected  nun?   Or,  maybe,  even  the
                        same one?  I.e., maybe your cloistered aunt is
                        also  your  mother!  Maybe you'd really rather
                        not want to know any more.

                        Anyway, your dad may have changed he name.
                        Lots of people do.    I know a guy named John
                        Dean who changed his name  because his bro-
                        ther,  Fred,  became a star  defensive  end  for
                        the San Diego (oops! now Los Angeles!) Char-
                        gers  –  and John  was a fan  of  the  Cleveland
                        Browns  (who drove the Cleveland Rams  also
                        to Los Angeles).


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Klaus Kloeckner"
        titled "Ich bin
die heißeste Brünette."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include Sir J. Fraser Stod-
dart.
.lifesqur.jpg Life Saver Dude: Damn squirrels messin' with the bird feeder again?

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



April 9, 2017:    Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket   –
the week's headlines
:

Trump plan to take out Kim Jong Un, Seal Team 6 will storm North Korean dictator's secret bunker (Globe); Casey Anthony outrage, baby and a wedding, she's hoping for a girl (In Touch); Casey Anthony's dad's confession, hes she killed Caylee (Enquirer); Liza Minelli's new gay obsession, leaves N.Y., friends to be with gay pianist Michael Feinstein in L.A. (Enquirer); Paris Jackson, single lady after gals, Michael's child boasts of her bisexuality (Eqnuirer)
Trump plan to take out Kim Jong Un, Seal Team 6 will storm North Korean dictator's secret bunker (Globe); Casey Anthony outrage, baby and a wedding, she's hoping for a girl (In Touch); Casey Anthony's dad's confession, hes she killed Caylee (Enquirer); Liza Minelli's new gay obsession, leaves N.Y., friends to be with gay pianist Michael Feinstein in L.A. (Enquirer); Paris Jackson, single lady after gals, Michael's child boasts of her bisexuality (Eqnuirer)


LETTERS to the EDITOR
:
Len wrote Mon 4/3/17 @05:47 EDT:
There is a woman named SeanSean Young,
actress, b. 1959.

Jane Etta Darrig wrote Sun 4/2/17 @12:10 CDT:

OK,  so why is it "northern [small n] and Southern
[capital S] Indiana"?
If you have ever roamed Southern Indiana, you understand
that it is a culture  unto  itself,  perhaps even a separate na-
tion – like the Independent Republic of Sunfish,  Kentucky.
You ever been to Arkansas?    – Editor


FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 4/2/17 @15:17 PDT re Richard
Sher
man's 29th birthday reported last week:
I Googled him and found many sites about the Seattle
Seahawks football player; but the Richard Sherman I
know,  and worked with briefly  at  the  Variety  Arts
Center in Los Angeles in the 1980's,  is  a  legendary
song writer known for the movie Mary Poppins,  the
Disney song  "It's a Small World"  and some Annette
Funicello hits, including "Tall Paul,"  all written with
his late brother, Robert.

chemkat2.jpg
    
chemkat58 wrote Sun 4/2/17 @15:31 CDT:
     Let the monkeys loose.

Unisex name of the week:  Emery.


Buzz words that need a nap:  " . . . going forward."    – FGDean



Dumb news from Indiana:
Both houses of the state legislature passed bills  cutting  re-
bates for solar energy (which accounts for all of 1 per cent
of power generation in the state).

                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Bloomington was advertising its scenic wonders on web
sites.
                                [https://www.visitbloomington.com]

luiscorv.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Luis Escorza, HM, 5'8", 130 lbs, burglary (not buggery); Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Corvell Latral Hardnett, BM, fleeing police in a motor vehicle; Hope Monique Jones, BF, assault by strangularion; Quincy Cortez-Delyaunce Johnson, BM, poss. of stolen credit card (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
luiscorv.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Luis Escorza, HM, 5'8", 130 lbs, burglary (not buggery); Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Corvell Latral Hardnett, BM, fleeing police in a motor vehicle; Hope Monique Jones, BF, assault by strangularion; Quincy Cortez-Delyaunce Johnson, BM, poss. of stolen credit card (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky
:

Freedom of speech did not justify Donald Trump's "Get 'em
out of here!
" remark about protesters who were roughed up
at a recent rally in Louisville,  a federal judge ruled in refu-
sing to dismiss the protesters' suit against the President. . . .

Johnny Boone, known as the Godfather of Grass and
convic-
ted in the 1980's as
don of the Cornbread Mafia, with 29 ma-
rijuana farms in nine states,  was deported from Canada  and
arraigned in Vermont pending return to Kentucky. . . .

Solar panels were being installed on the Kentucky Coal Mu-
seum
in Benham to cut energy costs. . . .

A video of teen-agers dressed as animals engaging  in  sex
(e.g., chicken on a cow) was shown to grade school pupils
in Fleming County (the particular video was not identified
in news reports, but here are some).

                                                                  [courtesy LEX18]

Louisville police were gearing up to battle  the  latest  drug
craze, elephant tranquilizer, which has already killed one u-
ser in the city.
                                                      [courtesy Courier-Journal]

The Bowling Green City Commission moved the public com-
ments
segment
of its meetings from the beginning to the end.

                   [courtesy Park City (Bowling Green) Daily News]

A project for ten barn dances in the Louisville area for arm-
ed forces veterans with post traumatic stress disorder got a
$10,000 grant from the Veterans Trust Fund.

                                                          [courtesy WKYU-FM]

   
saidmarl.jpg Lexington's most wanted: William Said, WM, 27, 6'4", 175 lbs, B gangster movie star wannabe; Katie Ann Griffin, WF, 27, 5'5", 140 lbs, leading candidate for the role of moll in B movie starring William or Marlon (f/k/a "KatieAnn" Griffin); Marlon Faulkner, BM, 29, 5'6", 145 lbs, B gangster movie star wannabe; "Harold" Beard, said to be BM, 28, 5'9", 165 lbs, "gender" confustion? (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
saidmarl.jpg Lexington's most wanted: William Said, WM, 27, 6'4", 175 lbs, B gangster movie star wannabe; Katie Ann Griffin, WF, 27, 5'5", 140 lbs, leading candidate for the role of moll in B movie starring William or Marlon (f/k/a "KatieAnn" Griffin); Marlon Faulkner, BM, 29, 5'6", 145 lbs, B gangster movie star wannabe; "Harold" Beard, said to be BM, 28, 5'9", 165 lbs, "gender" confustion? (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Quotations of the week
:
                                          "Is he doing it just to fuck with people?"

                                                    – "Liberal Redneck" Trae Crowder, commenting on President Trump's donation
                                                        of his $78,000 first quarter salary to the National Park Service,  whose ap-
                                                        propriation would be cut by $1.5 billion in the President's proposed budget

Quotations of the weak:

                "
Realistically you can’t win no championship with three white guys because the
                 foot speed is too slow."
                                                            LaVar Ballfather of UCLA basketball guard Lonzo Ball,  ex-
                                                               plaining his team's loss to Kentucky in the NCAA tournament

                "This isn't like Kentucky basketball, one and done.  This is a series of operations."

                             – Maj. Gen. James "Spider" Marks, on CNN, commenting on U.S. air strikes against Syria


Quotations repeated every week:

         "That's exactly what the new research is about. . . .  That's exactly right."
                                                                                                                                     –
  
Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"Two things I hate to hear are a grown man whine  and a fat
  woman fart.
  And when I said that at a meeting,  a  woman
  came up to me and said,  'You  can't  talk  like  that!  I  will
  pray  for  you.'  And it was a fat woman.
"
– Leonard Simon



Funny beer brands:  Zombie Dust.


Birthdays:
                    April 3:  Jane Goodall, 83
                                   Doris Day, 93 (or 95)
                                   Philip the Stout (1245-1285)
                    April 4:  Jamie Lynn Spears, 26
                                   Hugh Masekela, 78
                    April 5:  Colin Powell, 80
                    April 6:  André Previn, 88
                    April 7:  Bobby Bare, 82
                    April 8:  Julian Lennon, 54

                                   Peggy Lennon, 76
                    April 9:  Paul Krassner, 85
                                   Tom Lehrer, 89
                                   Hugh Hefner, 91

Deaths:                                                                [r.i.p., Justice Scalia]
                Mary Anderson, 107
                Don Rickles, 90
                Raymond "Ray" Allen, 82
                Edward "Ed" Barrick, 82
                Gerald "Jerry" Bundy, 74
                Cathryn "Cathy" Burgess, 64
                William "Bill" Compton, 75
                Marcella "Marcy" Daboul, 84
                Robert "Bob" Deitel, 62
                Gertrude "Trudy" Dentinger, 89
                Gwendolyn "Gwen" Fint, 70
                James "Jim" Hall, 84
                Edward "Ed" Juliot, 85
                William "Bill" Litsey, 72
                Jacqueline "Jackie" McSherry, 51
                William "Bill" Meredith, 79
                William "Bill" Moran, 92
                Douglas "Doug" Pate, 69
                Robert "Bob" Rambo, 77
                Robert "Bob" Robinson, 57
               
Josephine "Jo" Schoppaul, 80
                Martin "Marty" Simpson, 71
                William "Bill" Taylor, 68
               
Wilehmina "Willie" Tilford, 93
                Eugene "Gene" Toler, 83
                Joseph "Joe" Vandrick, 93
                Amanda "Manda" Warren, 36
                Scott "Scotty" Welch, 40
                William "Bill" Wood, 72
                Donald "Don" "Donnie" Vowels, 63
                Joseph Edward "Joe Ed" Ray, 77
                Robert "Hutch" Hutchinson, 73
                Baby Boy Lamont D. Whitaker III, infant
                    
                                                                   [Louisville Courier-Journal]

                 erinpaul.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Erin Densmore, WF, 38, a/k/a Erin Shaw, 5'9", 1140 lbs, failure to report to jail; Paul Motley, WM, 30, a/k/a Paul Montley, 5'7", 170 lbs, upside down ears (City of Wichita)
erinpaul.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Erin Densmore, WF, 38, a/k/a Erin Shaw, 5'9", 1140 lbs, failure to report to jail; Paul Motley, WM, 30, a/k/a Paul Montley, 5'7", 170 lbs, upside down ears (City of Wichita)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A 20-year-old co-ed choked to death in a pancake eating contest at
Sacred Heart University in Fairfield,  Connecticut. . . . A woman in
Sanford,  Florida,  whom police told to stop calling 911 was shot to
death by her boy friend,  who shot her 8-year-old son to death also
and shot and wounded her her 7-year-old son,  her father,  and two
bystanders. . . . Barry Manilow came out. . . .  A California woman
charged with murder posted $35 million bail. . . . A  naked  girl,  a-
bout 10 years old and unable to speak or understand any language,
was found living with monkeys in a remote forest  in  India  (she is
known as  "Girl  Mowgli"  to local news outlets).  .  .  .  A protester
handed the mayor of Portland, Oregon, a Pepsi (here's the Kendall
Jenner commercial
that got everyone so upset). . . . A mattress that
flew off a truck in a tunnel in Brisbane,  Australia,  hit a motorbike
rider but cushioned his stop  (there's video).  .  .  . A man wearing a
"DRUNK LIVES MATTER" T-shirt was arrested for DUI  in  New-
ville,  Pennsylvania.  .  .  .  Britney Spears posted a video of herself
on Instagram wearing a bikini top in a gymnasium workout. .  .  . A
31-year-old engineer
in Hangzhou,  China,  married a female robot
he built
. .  .  .  A  grandmother  was hit in the face by a chimpanzee
who flung poo at a zoo in Grand Rapids,  Michigan  (there's video).
. . . Police in Italy and Sardinia arrested 34 persons for a plot to dig
up Enzo Ferrari's corpse and hold it for ransom. .  .  . Ivanka admit-
ted being complicit.
                                        [courtesy Huffington Post, NBC.com, AP]

devontep.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Kansas): Devonte Deon Ivory, 21, black hair, brown eyes, 158 lbs, 6'0", violation of probation, burglary of habitation; Patricia Uribez Romero, 49, brown hair, brown eyes, 152 lbs, 4'11", criminal mischief; Christie Leigh Villa, 27, brown hair, brown eyes, 169 lbs, 5'0", violation of probation, abandon/endanger a child w/intent to return (Texoma Crime Stoppers)
devontep.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Kansas): Devonte Deon Ivory, 21, black hair, brown eyes, 158 lbs, 6'0", violation of probation, burglary of habitation; Patricia Uribez Romero, 49, brown hair, brown eyes, 152 lbs, 4'11", criminal mischief; Christie Leigh Villa, 27, brown hair, brown eyes, 169 lbs, 5'0", violation of probation, abandon/endanger a child w/intent to return (Texoma Crime Stoppers)
Dear Eleanor:
                            How do you know if a guy likes you?
                                                                                              Ashley, North Carolina
Dear Ashley:
                            Are you ugly?

The sports:

         huskette.jpg Basketball hottie: Kelsey Plum, of the University of Wahington (not U. Conn.) Huskies, leading scorer in women's collegiate history, won the 2017 Naismith trophy
                      [photo by Patrick Semansky, Associated Press, in San Diego Tribune]
huskette.jpg Basketball hottie: Kelsey Plum, of the University of Wahington (not U. Conn.) Huskies, leading scorer in women's collegiate history, won the 2017 Naismith trophy
The sports fan club Big Blue Nation proposed making "Kentucky great again"
by building a wall around Louisville.
. . .

 
whitesox.jpg
The box score said  36,534  people  attended the White Sox' opening day base-
ball game against the Detroit Tigers Tuesday  at Guaranteed Rate Field in Chi-
cago;  but if you tuned in in the 8th inning,  when the Tigers led 6-2,  you  saw
barely a fan in the stands (the high temperature was 48°; the Tigers won the 3-
½-hour game 6-3).   The  scheduled  opener was rained out Monday  (wonder
how many of those 36,534  were season ticket holders  who declined to brave
the weather?). [photo by Jonathan Daniel, Getty Images, in
Detroit News] . . .

It was only 47° at Target Field in Minneapolis the next day, and the box score
for  the Twins' game against the Royals  (won by the Twins,  9-1)  reported  a
more credible attendance,  15,171  (it was the second day of the season there
– the attendance on opening day,  Monday,  was reported to be 39,615, in 50°
weather).


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from
"egongora@srg.com.bs"
        titled "The prepuce, a technically broader."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include Fausta Luchini.

lifehump.jpg Life Saver Dude: Duudes! That's gross! Time to make Easter eggs
lifehump.jpg Life Saver Dude: Duudes! That's gross! Time to make Easter eggs

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"
Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



April 2, 2017:    Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket   –
the week's headlines
:


Proof Obama born in Kenya, brother reveals real birth certificate (Globe); Natalie Wood murder, Robert Wagner indicted, new eyewitness found, new forencis evidence, failed lie detector test (Globe); Ryan Reynolds' unwanted bromance toward Matthew McConaughey (Enquirer); Comics exec worried Batgirl script not good enough for movie, 3 sequels, 2028 reboot and 4 more sequels (Onion)
Proof Obama born in Kenya, brother reveals real birth certificate (Globe); Natalie Wood murder, Robert Wagner indicted, new eyewitness found, new forencis evidence, failed lie detector test (Globe); Ryan Reynolds' unwanted bromance toward Matthew McConaughey (Enquirer); Comics exec worried Batgirl script not good enough for movie, 3 sequels, 2028 reboot and 4 more sequels (Onion)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 3/26/17 @12:11 PDT:
I know no woman named Sean,  but there are many wo-
men named Siân,  including Siân Phillips,  the Welsh ac-
tress who played Livia, the wife of Augustus,  in the 19-
76 BBC production of I, Claudius.

Publius Leget wrote Sun 32/26/17 @12:10 CDT:
What kind of name is Marceish Tramell-Dayah Meridy?
Marceish, Tramell and Dayah are common  made-up  given
names in the boy's culture,  like Keshawn and Javonte.  The
surname,  Meridy,  is Hoosier for Meredith.  In  Indiana  it's
spelled the way Kentuckians pronounce it.    – Editor

Unisex name of the week:  Kelly
.


Dumb news from Indiana
:
Wild turkeys were crashing into moving automobiles' wind-
shields in both northern and Southern Indiana. . . .

The Delaware County Courthouse in Muncie added a 21-
month-old female  black  Labrador  dog,  Frankie,  to  its
Court Appointed Special Advocates staff. . . .

Southern Indiana's black bear appeared to be on the move
again after a long winter's nap.
                                                           [Columbus Republic]

betwhite.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Bethany White, WF, 5'1", 150 lbs, battery; Nayesha White, BF, 5'2", 140 lbs, battery; Rodney Heard, BM, 5'9", 200 lbs, battery; Berrien County, Michigan's: Freddell Johnson, BM, criminal sex (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
betwhite.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Bethany White, WF, 5'1", 150 lbs, battery; Nayesha White, BF, 5'2", 140 lbs, battery; Rodney Heard, BM, 5'9", 200 lbs, battery; Berrien County, Michigan's: Freddell Johnson, BM, criminal sex (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Dead pets' former owners were asked to dig up their pets at a
pet cemetery in Bullitt County because the cemetarian can no
longer maintain the cemetery. . . .

Governor  Selfie  vetoed a bill passed by his own party in the
legislature, the Repudicans, 
to name several sections of road
"Copperhead  Trail," intended to lure motorcyclists, saying it
violated state highway department policy to name roads only
for historically significant  events  or  persons  (like,  the  Hal
Boone Parkway?).
  And he vetoed a bill to prohibit drone fly-
ing in certain areas.   But both houses of the legislature easily
overrode all vetoes.
                                                    [courtesy Lex18]
hayleyha.jpg Here's a typical local TV news anchor hen. This one is Hayley Harmon, of WLEX Channel 18 ("LEX18") in Lexington, Kentucky. Like most of them, she talks through her nose . . . .
hayleyha.jpg Here's a typical local TV news anchor hen. This one is Hayley Harmon, of WLEX Channel 18 ("LEX18") in Lexington, Kentucky. Like most of them, she talks through her nose . . . .

Central Kentucky's "Bonnie and Clyde" – Destiny Moneyhun,
18,  from Smiths Grove,  and Bradley Sheets,  25,  from Glas-
gow – were gunned down by police in a field in Anchorage, a
Louisville suburb,  after stealing two motor vehicles and kill-
ing a man.  Police fire did not kill them,  but Bradley plugged
Destiny to death  with  his  revolver  and  then shot himself to
death.
                                       [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


amandama.jpg Lexington's most wanted (pulled kicking & screaming from the Herald-Leader): Amanda Fazakerly, WF, 33, 5'4", 170 lbs, fake love; Antonio Adams, BM, 41, black Nazi; Jennifer Martin, WF, 25, 5'5", 130 lbs, wastrel; Jess Lilly, WM, 34, 5'10:, 230 lbs, "featured fugitive of the week," stalking, persistent felony offender; Nikki Howard, WF, 29, 5'3", 110 lbs, in need of a meal; Nicholas Griffeth, WM, 24, 5'9", 170 lbs, misspelled surname (perhaps kin to the Merideths (alt Meridys]); Amanda Thomas, WF, 34, 5'9", 250 lbs, general transgenderism
amandama.jpg Lexington's most wanted (pulled kicking & screaming from the Herald-Leader): Amanda Fazakerly, WF, 33, 5'4", 170 lbs, fake love; Antonio Adams, BM, 41, black Nazi; Jennifer Martin, WF, 25, 5'5", 130 lbs, wastrel; Jess Lilly, WM, 34, 5'10:, 230 lbs, "featured fugitive of the week," stalking, persistent felony offender; Nikki Howard, WF, 29, 5'3", 110 lbs, in need of a meal; Nicholas Griffeth, WM, 24, 5'9", 170 lbs, misspelled surname (perhaps kin to the Merideths (alt Meridys]); Amanda Thomas, WF, 34, 5'9", 250 lbs, general transgenderism
destinye.jpg Runaway Destiny Ennis, 15, was found in Metcalfe County, WBKO 13
destinye.jpg Runaway Destiny Ennis, 15, was found in Metcalfe County, WBKO 13
A man was restoring a 1950 camper in Alvaton in memory of his late
daughter.
                                 [courtesy Park City (Bowling Green) Daily News]

Quotation of the week:
                                         "Lepiez na d
³ugo."
                                         
                                 – Jadwiga    [This one requires a little context in the explication:
                                                                                                 Her husband,  the editor of Tabloid Headlines  and
                                                                                                 a  lawyer,  had said to her  (in her native language,
                                                                                                 Polish),  "Id
ê do sàdu, na krótko"  –  "I'm going to
                                                                                                 the Courthouse, for a little while." Her reply, quo-
                                                                                                 ted  above,  was  (translated),  "Better  for  a  long
                                                                                                 time."   Pronunciations:  "EE-dem doe SONE-doo
                                                                                                
nah KROOT-ko"; "LEP-yea nah DWOO-go."]

Quotation of the weak:
                                        "It is a common misconception  that Daylight Savings Time was started in the U.S.
                                         for the farmers. It was actually a wartime measure that had nothing to do with
the
                                         agriculture industry."
                                                                                Know U Didnt, a throwaway weekly distributed
                                                                                   to businesses in south central Kentucky

Quotations repeated every week:
                                                           "So that's right! . . . That's absolutely right!"

                                                                                                                                        –
  
Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"Two things I hate to hear are a grown man whine and
  a fat woman fart.
"
– Leonard Simon

                                                               (There'll be more on this theme next week – Editor.)

Funny beer brands: 
Black Exodus.



Buzz words that need a nap:  "At the end of the day . . . ."    – TedF


Birthdays:
                    March 27:  Quentin Tarantino, 54
                   
March 28:  Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta ("Lady Gag-a"), 31
                                       Zbigniew Brzezinski, 89
                                       Albert the Warlike (1522-1557)
                   
March 29:  Lucy Lawless, 49
                    March 30:  Richard Sherman, 29
                                       Norah Jones, 38
                                       Celine Dion, 49
                                       Sabine Meyer, 58
                    March 31:  Barney Frank, 77
                                       Shirley Jones, 83
                    April 1:  Rachel Maddow, 44
                    April 2:  Emmylou Harris, 70


Deaths:
                Eleanor Roosevelt, 132
                Antonin Scalia, 81
                Ivan "Bootie" Bault, 78
                Orville "Orv" Bruner, 82
                Bonnie Cook Goff, 50 
                Connie Goff, 50

bracketr.jpg
    same person, in same newspaper,
    on same day:  typo
                Shaun Allen "Bubby" "Yo Dogg" Jackson Sr., 38
                                                                                                       [Louisville Courier-Journal]

vakeisah.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week; wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Sarah Franchier, 29, brown hair, green eyes, 125 lbs, 5'5", surety off bond, unlawful possession of firearm; Vakeisah Nicole Johnson, 45, black hair, brown eyes, 130 lbs, 5'6", abandoning/endangering a child; Robert Collins, 46, black hair, brown eyes, 175 lbs, 6'0", trafficking of person; Michelle Alisa Garcia, 33, black hair, brown eyes, 130 lbs, 5'2", bond revocation, possession of controlled substance (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)
        Editor's note:  Yes, Sarah Franchier does appear to be the same person
                                as  the  "Sarah  Fanchier"  listed and pictured last week.
                                The photographs are different  but similar,  and  the  ID
                                stats and the charges are the same. Misspelled last week
                                or this week – or both?
vakeisah.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week; wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Sarah Franchier, 29, brown hair, green eyes, 125 lbs, 5'5", surety off bond, unlawful possession of firearm; Vakeisah Nicole Johnson, 45, black hair, brown eyes, 130 lbs, 5'6", abandoning/endangering a child; Robert Collins, 46, black hair, brown eyes, 175 lbs, 6'0", trafficking of person; Michelle Alisa Garcia, 33, black hair, brown eyes, 130 lbs, 5'2", bond revocation, possession of controlled substance (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Pre-recorded TV commercials thanking Republicans for repealing
"Obamacare" aired  Friday  night  hours after the Republicans had
abandoned  their  bill  in  the House of Representatives  (Dept.  of
"Fake  News").  .  .  .  A dermatologist in Barrie, Ontario,  Canada,
was found to have rubbed his aroused penis against the legs of two
female patients  despite  his  plea that his paunch made him unable
to do that. . . . A sixth-grader in Racine, Wisconsin,  who  said  she
had permission from her teacher to sell Water Snake Wigglies at a
religious fund-raiser,  was  suspended  by the school principal  for
selling dildos. . . . Polk County, Florida, sheriff's deputies arrested
104 persons for prostitution. . . . Human rights were granted to riv-
ers in India and New Zealand. . . .Ten TV reality show contestants
emerged from the wilderness in Scotland  only  to  learn  that their
show was canceled last August. . . .  A Czech zoo began dehorning
all 21 of its rhinos to deter a poacher attack like the one that occur-
red at a zoo in Paris. . . . A 23-foot python swallowed a man whole
in Indonesia (the man did not survive – nor did the python,who was
cut open to find the man).
                                                                      [courtesy Harper's,
AP]

The sports:
The National Football League approved  the  Oakland  Roamers'  plan to move
to Las Vegas. . . .

Ignoring  their  team's  poor  offense,  University of Kentucky  basketball  fans
blamed  a  referee  for  their  loss to North Carolina  in  the  Nigger  Collegiate
Athletic  Association  tournament   and were pelting a business he owns in  O-
maha with harassing telephone calls  and  its Clutterbook Facebook page  with
withering reviews. . . .
Contrary  to what may have been your
perception on TV yesterday,  Gonzaga
University's center,  Przemek Karnow-
ski  (say "PZHEM-eck car-NOOF-ski"
if you want to pronounce it properly in
Polish – that  "ZH"  is the same sound
as the second g in "garage"), 7' 1", 300
lbs.,  is not the biggest boy ever to play
basketball. Yao Ming, from China, was
7' 10" and 310 lbs.   And Shaquille O'-
Neal, although the same height as Kar-
nowski,  weighed 315 lbs.,  even more
than Yao Ming.   But Przemek may be
the biggest white boy ever to play bas-
ketball  (Isaak Humphries, another Po-
lak,  from Australia,  who plays for the
University of Kentucky,  is only  7' 0",
255 lbs.;  and Dennis Awtrey was only
6' 10", 235 lbs.).


karnowsk.jpg


iusoftys.jpg Indiana University softball hotties: Rachel O'Malley, Tara Trainer (Louisville Courier-Journal)


Dear Eleanor:
I am deeply disturbed to have learned after having been mar-
ried to "John" for four years  that  he never divorced his last
wife.  He insists they are legally divorced because she aban-
doned him 10 years ago.

I feel betrayed, used, and abused,  and I don’t know what to
do.  We've built a home and combined our finances.   I can't
pay bills without him.  If I leave, I lose everything I have es-
tablished. What do I do?
                                                               
Betrayed in the South
Dear Betty:
                        So,  a certain piece of paper is missing,  and  your
                        "husband" is stupid. What's the problem?  Do you
                        love him?  Does he love you?  Can the two of you
                        make it together financially?   If you insist that he
                        divorce the previous wife now, it will cost both of
                        you.

                        You can leave if you feel you must,  but get you a
                        lawyer  first  (who will help you make "John" pay
                        his fee).  If you do that, "John" will need a lawyer
                        more than you do.  He's the bigamist. That's a fel-
                        ony.


lifepitts.jpg Life Saver Dude: Well, OK, I'll spend my day off in the pits with you! Day Off is a TV show of GMA Channel 11
Unopened e-mail last week included an "Auto-reply" from "lesliesholl@bigpond.com"
        titled "
[Suspected Spam] I need a man to father a child."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include Kirk Carapezza.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

 
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)


lifepitts.jpg Life Saver Dude: Well, OK, I'll spend my day off in the pits with you! Day Off is a TV show of GMA Channel 11


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"
Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

   270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor