:

A woman in the drive-through line at a McDonald's in Scotts-
burg paid for the order of the car behind her,  which carried a
man  with four children,  and told the attendant to wish him a
happy Father's Day; the man responded  by paying for the car
behind him, and a chain reaction reaching 167 cars resulted. . . .

A Koscsiusko County woman pleaded guilty to reckless  hom-
icide but mentally ill in a three-vehicle crash on U.S. 30 in Al-
len County in which she was going 142 miles per hour. . . .

Daviess County blamed Amish horse shoes for swift early dam-
age to newly paved roads.
                                                      [courtesy Columbus Republic]

austcrys.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Austin Schlemmer, WM, a/k/a Dustin Schlemiel, 6'0", 150 lbs, domestic battery; Crystal Egan, BF, 5'0", 140 lbs, meth; Rachael Bilbao, WF, a/k/a Rachel Bimbo, 5'5", 160 lbs, possession of legend drug; Olando Johnson, BM, 5'10", 200 lbs, escape (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

      

danielle.jpg Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan (Michiana Crime Stoppers): Michelle Danielle-Marrie Davis (Ford), WF, domestic violence; Danielle De-She-Shaneja Reynolds, BF, abuse of vulnerable adult; Andresha Jeaniece Robinson, BF, assault with a dangerous weapon

A man who ran along U.S. 23 in Floyd County naked except for
a vine covering his groin was arrested for indecent exposure.

                                                 [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

mcintosh.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Featured fugitives of the week: Roy McIntosh, WM, 52, 300 lbs, and brother James, WM, 50, 250 lbs, rape; Theresa Arnold, WF, 61, 5'3", 145 lbs, go-getter for the McIntosh brothers; kellyamy.jpg Kelly Walriven, WF, 39, 5'7", 140 lbs; Amy Franklin, WF, 31, 5'4", 126 lbs,; Taneka Travis, BF, 29, 5'4", 145 lbs; Melissa Thomas, WF, 34, 5'3", 142 lbs; Heather West, WF, 41, 5'7", 180 lbs: All hustlers for the McIntosh brothers (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "Excuse me, miss, but, might I ask, have you ever   been stalked?" – Leonard Simon

Carly Simon, 72
                                    James Meredith, 84
                                     

Olivia de Havilland, 100,  was named a dame by Queeen Elizabeth II.
. . . Oregon driver license applicants now have a sex indication choice
of  M,  F  or  X. . . . A man in Austin, Texas, sued his date for $17.31,
the cost of her ticket to the movie Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2,  af-
ter she texted on her cell phone throughout the film  (they  settled  out
of court, for $17.31). . . . An obese wild monkey in Thailand, fattened
on junk food and sodas left behind by tourists,  was  rescued  by wild-
life workers and put on a diet ("Uncle Fat," the locals called him, was
at 60 pounds about three times the weight of his peers).  . . .  A sleep-
ing drunk rode 14 miles on the  trunk  of  a  car leaving a barbecue in
Memphis, Tennessee,  before the car was pulled over  (the driver and
his wife were not aware of their passenger). . . .  Patricia Krenwinkel,
California's longest-serving female prisoner ever,  with  47 years  be-
hind bars,  lost her 14th bid for parole. . . .  Four Republican Senators
threatened to undercut the health care bill because it was too generous.
.  .  . The death of Rebecca Burger, 33,  a fitness model and blogger in
Mulhouse, France, was blamed on an exploding whipped cream canis-
ter.  . . .  The Mormon Church cut the mike on a 13-year-old girl com-
ing out as a lesbian at a service in Eagle Mountain,  Utah. .  .  . Scores
of Oklahoma school districts went to a  4-day  week  to accommodate
budget reductions.
                                                  [courtesy LEX18, Sadie Ninphonk, AP]
   

tiffanys.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Tiffany Ann Slaughter, BF, 30, 5'6", 160 lbs, provation viol., theft (Sedgwick County Sheriff); christin.jpg Texoma's most fanted fugitives of the week, wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Christina Eldridge, 36, brown hair, hazel eyes, 5'9", 180 lbs, violation of probation, possession of controlled substance PG1 o/1g - u/4g (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)

The American Civil Liberties Union rushed  to  the  defense
of three fans charged with disorderly conduct in Washington
County, Wisconsin,  for yelling "Get in the hole!"  on  every
shot  at the U.S. Open golf tournament.   Complaining  wit-
nesses included Bryan Harman,  Hideki  Matsuyama,  Tom-
my Fleetwood,   Rickie  Fowler,  Xander  Schauffele,   Bill
Haas,  Charley Hoffman,  Justin Thomas,  Brandt Snedeker
and  Trey  Mullinax – ten of the top eleven finishers  in  the
tournament  (Brooks Koepka, the winner, did not join them)
– and more than six million viewers on Fox TV.

My wife recently started a new yoga class she really
likes.  But I made  the  mistake  of telling her the in-
structor and I had dated briefly – we had sex – when
we were about 15 years old.  I'm 50 now; my wife is
45.  I was a drunk in high school and college, but I'-
ve been sober the last 28 years,  including our 22 of
marriage;  and  I have not been with another woman
since I met my wife.  But she's treating this situation
as if I cheated on her yesterday!

And the yoga instructor recognized my name and told
my wife I broke her heart back then. Help!
                                                                      Heartbreaker

lifebers.jpg Life Saver Dude: Fuck! Shit! Piss! Cunt! Kike! Nigger! Wop!

issue last week – sorry –  it was a composition accident,  caused by our
ingenious effort to evade the home censors):

A couple in Tipton starved their 5-year-old boy  for  punish-
ment  and kept him locked in his room (he survived). . . .

A new state law authorizes judges to include pets in domestic
violence protective orders.
                                                  [courtesy Columbus Republic]

darrrosh.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Devin Brantley, BM, murder; Darrell Ray, BM, 5'11", 250 lbs, public nudity; Berrien County, Michigan's: Lisa Lynn West, BF, unlawful driving away; Mayquon Shalaw Morrison, BM, heroin; Aundre Jardell Sanders Jr., BM, fleeing arrest; Roshell Rena Beaty, BF, credit card fraud (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

A Louisville city councilman was accused of sexual har-
assment for mooning a city councilwoman.

                                            [courtesy the Courier-Journal]

A 21-year-old man told the Judge "Fuck you!" in Barren
County District Court in Glasgow,  and  he's  in jail  (not
the Judge – the man who spoke those words). . . .

A stroller with a metal detector found a live World War II
vintage  hand  grenade  on the left bank of the Ohio River
in Louisville.
                                                                 [courtesy LEX18]

An infestation of bedbugs closed the courtroom at the Ed-
monson County Courthouse in Brownsville  (sleepy town
down South).
                                                 [courtesy Edmonson Voice]

ranjamja.jgb Lexington's most wanted: Randall Burgess, WM, 23, 5'6", 100 lbs, not paying attention; Jamie Bingaman, WF, 33, illegal smile; Jana Ervin, WF, 48, 5'7", 170 lbs, unlawfully ugly; Laerica Taylor, BF, 24, 5'2", 167 lbs, unlawfully pretty for a fat girl; Michelle Robinson, Wf, 40, 5'4", 160 lbs, wishes she were La Erica Taylor (she would spell it right, too) (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

A classic quotation of the Wheat (Simon said Januaary 3, 2016): "Neither I, nor anyone I know, ever, ever gave a woman anything – beer,  wine, liquor, aspirin in a Coke, cocaine, speed, crack, Quaaludes ("disco  biscuits"), Ecstasy, opium, heroin, sleeping pills, anything – to try to get  into her pants." – Leonard Simon

ambrolyv.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Amber Gregory, WF, 35, 5'3", 275 lbs, meth, injury to child, overstay at China Buffet; Olyvia Jackson, BF, 30, 5'6", 250 lbs, possession of firearms by felon, buffet overstay; Lindsey Black, WF, 31, 5'11", 150 lbs, heroin (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

The Bill Cosby jury hung. . . .A woman staring at her cell phone in Plain-
field,  New Jersey,  tripped over a on open sidewalk cellar door and stum-
bled head first six feet into the cellar. . . .  A  man's  head  was found on a
front porch in Jackson,  Mississippi  –  and a headless body was found by
children playing in the woods less than a mile away (police were trying to
"connect" the two). .  .  . Montana Congressman-elect Greg Gianforte was
sentenced to 40 hours of "community service" and 20 hours of anger man-
agement for body-slamming a reporter  (the questions are, will his service
in Congress qualify for either  –  or, perhaps, even both?). . . . A man who
robbed a bank in Kansas City,  Missouri,  with the intent to be jailed in or-
der to get away from his wife was  sentenced  to  home  incarceration. . . .
Fox  News  dropped its  "Fair  & balanced"  slogan. . . . A  juvenile  court
judge in Bristol County,  Massachusetts,  found a 20-year-old woman,  17
at the time of her crime, guilty of involuntary manslaughter for telling her
boy friend, then 18, "Get back in the truck!" where he was committing su-
icide by carbon monoxide. . . .A 24-year-old yoga instructor sleeping with
a copperhead in Silver Spring,  Maryland,  lost her arm to snakebite. . . .
Deputies showing up at a woman's home in Albuquerque, New Mexico, to
evict her in a mortgage foreclosure found that  they  had  also  to  evict her
husband, whose mummified body had been there in a closet for two years.

                                                                                    [courtesy LEX18, AP]

stactrev.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Staci J. Brown, a/k/a Staci Jenice Hunt, WF, 35, 5'7", 115 lbs, brown hair, blue eyes, possession of controlled substances (including firewater); Trevor Bryce Cox, BM, 25, 5'8", 132 lbs, black hair, brown eyes, tattoos on neck, arms, chest; failure to get haircut while on probation; Kielyn A. Parson, WF, 20, 5'2", 119 lbs, blonde hair, blue eyes, theft, illegal given name for white girl (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

                                

dilonlee.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls, Texas (not Wichita, Kansas): Dillon Lee Henderson, 24, brown hair, blue eyes, 130 lbs, 5'7", assault family violence, choking; cherchel.jpg Cheryl Lynn McKinney, 51, black hair, brown eyes, 136 lbs, 5'5", bond forfeiture u/$2,500 w/2 or more previous convictions; Chelsea Renea Milligan, 22, brown hair, blue eyes, 162 lbs, 5'6", bond revocation, possession of controlled substance PGI UIG (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppeers)

The University of Louisville's 2013 national basketball  cham-
pionship might be at risk under penalties imposed by the NC-
AA for the sex scandal in which  recruits  were  "entertained"
by female "escorts." . . .

The Jacksonville Johnsons joined the St. Petersburg Peckers
in their petition to enter baseball's National League.

Wanted in Waco: Andrew Michael Daniel, WM, 23, 5'11", 175 lbs, marijuana; Rakeshia L. Waits, BF, 29, 5'6", 150 lbs, illegal transfer of food stamps; Monikka R. Taylor, BF, 38, 5'6", 240 lbs, fraud; Jamarr L. Walker, BM, 27 5'9", 190 lbs, violent tendemcies (Waco Crime Stoppers)

My mother-in-law didn't get me a card or even  wish  me
Happy Mother's Day on my very first one. We got togeth-
er to celebrate;  so I don't think she forgot.   I thought we
had a pretty good relationship,  but  now  I'm not so sure.
Is  there a nice way to ask her why she didn't  get  me  a
card or even say,  "Happy Mother's Day"?   I'd like to be
able  to  apologize  if she's harboring a grudge  for  some
reason.
                                                        New Mom in Tennessee

lifeskul.jpg Edmonson County 5th & 6th Grade Center: We are a distinguished s hool, Compliments of Bank of Edmonson County, Life Saver Dude: My old school – they didn't learn me much

:

Salacious headlines in the Columbus Republic  and the Fort
Wayne Journal-Gazette, "High school's 'lunch lady' goes be-
yond just food," turned out not to report another case of sex-
ual predation by faculty or staff,  but  a  food  service  mana-
ger's extra care for the students she tends to. . . .

A 24-year-old man in Fort Wayne shot a 29-year-old woman
who  would not go out with him,  and another woman in the
beauty college where she worked,  and  then  turned his gun
on himself (he died; they didn't). . . .

The 7th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals ordered Tippecanoe
County to allow Higher Society of Indiana Inc.,  an organi-
zation advocating  marijuana  legalization,  to demonstrate
on its courthouse grounds in Lafayette like others. . . .

More than 200 chickens were seized from an Indianapolis
home in a cockfighting investigation. . . .

Three school districts  in  Hamilton  County  have dropped
high school valedictorian recognition "to get high-perform-
ing students focused on bettering themselves, and not com-
peting with peers."
                                               [courtesy Columbus Republic]

krisjada.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Kristina Kendall, a/k/a Kristina Warren, WF,5'2", 140 lbs, meth, firewater; Michelle Banks, WF, 5'5:, 145 lbs, theft; Jada Morales, BF, 5'2", 120 lbs, cocaine, a/k/a Ja-da, Ja-da, Ja-da, Ja-da, Jing Jing Jing!; Berrien County, Michigan's: Jame Sylvia Harris, BF, No account check (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

A boy and a girl, both 17, scaled the roof of Lexington Lafay-
ette High School in an attempt to break in. . . .

An eastern Kentucky disability attorney who pleaded guilty to
bilking taxpayers of $600 million  disappeared  before his sen-
tencing. . . .

A $2,000 reward was offered for the arrest of whoever shot a
kitten multiple times with a BB gun in Louisville. . . .

A 3-year-old Amish boy was found dead in a manure compost
pit in Christian County.
                                                                                  [courtesy LEX18]

 

kriscole.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Kristopher Cole, BM, 32, 6'1", dog biting (pulled kicking & screaming frm the Herald-Leader)

A 5-foot, 3-inch alligator gar caught in the White River in south-
eastern Indiana was believed to have come from Kentucky.

                [courtesy Indianapolis Star, Columbus Republic]

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "You can leave your buddy, but don't take his car.   (You can take his wife.)" – Leonard Simon

A Democrat in Iowa withdrew from a race for Congress after receiving
death threats. . . . A Republican state representative from suburban Dal-
las threatened to shoot a Latino Democratic colleague over an immigra-
tion bill in Texas.  . . . Vice President Mikey's wife,  Karen,  installed  a
15,000-bee hive at their official residence. .  .  . A Sebring, Florida, wo-
man who posted a video on Clutterbook Facebook showing a  rat snake
biting her 1-year-old baby girl said it's important that children  learn  a-
bout wildlife. . . . A man who complained to the building code enforce-
ment office in Augusta, Maine, about bedbugs in his apartment and did
not get the action he expected threw a cup of the critters – about 100 of
them – on the counter at the office,  and they scattered off (the building
later was sprayed). . . . ISIS  terrorized  Iran. . . . A soldier's "emotional
support dog" – a chocolate lab and pointer mix – bit another passenger
severely in the face on an airliner about to take off from Atlanta, Geor-
gia. .  .  .  A New York court of appeals denied a writ of habeas corpus
sought for two chimpanzees. . . . Theologian Reza Aslan lost his CNN
series Believer for calling President Trump a "piece of shit" (on "Twit-
ter"). . . . An abandoned baby girl was found in a backpack in a shop-
ping cart in a parking lot in Tempe, Arizona.

                                                                [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

ambartan.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Ambar Flores, HF, 34, 5'0", 175 lbs, brown hair and eyes, possession of meth (and firewater); Jessica Christensen, WF, 23, 5'7", 120 lbs, red hair, blue eyes, meth; Wanted in Wichita Falls (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Tanya Ann Medina, WF, 43, 5'4", 204 lbs, black hr., brown eyes, possession of opiates (Abilene Crime Stoppers, Sedgwick Kansas County Sheriff)

The St. Petersburg Peckers petitioned for admission
to baseball's National League (more to come . . . ).

My former spouse and I are divorced.    We have a 3-
year-old daughter.  Soon after our daughter was born,
my spouse came out as  "transgender"  and now lives
as a woman.

I have always been supportive of her transition, her a-
doption of a new name, feminine pronouns,  etc.;  but
now she wants something I'm  not  comfortable  with.
She wants our daughter to think of her  as  a  "second
mommy,"  not  her  daddy.   She won't even acknowl-
ledge being the biological father.

May my ex live in this fantasy world?  And  is  it  OK
to tell your kid a flat-out lie about who her dad is?

                                                             Thrown in Ohio

olivmadd.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas); Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Olivia Rachelle Martinez, 23, 163 lbs, 5'1", violation of probation, credit/debit card abuse; Maddison M. Robertson, 19, 230 lbs, 5' 8", violation of probation, burglary of habitation

DISCUSSION GROUP:     Don't forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of  important current events are invited to attend  the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns- ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers lined  up  for meetings in the near future  include  Reality  Leigh Winner  and  Bill "House Nigger" Maher (and, here's a preview: A 2001 discussion of the N- and C-word issues by Maher, Sarah Silverman, Guy Aoki, Anne-Marie Johnson and David Spade).

Reality

lifesqrl.jpg Life Saver Dude: Squirrel Pancakes - it's what's for breakfast

June 4, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket  –
the week's headlines:



LETT

A man shot another man's pet pig at a boat ramp on the Ohio
River near Evansville, thinking he was under attack. . . .

A new law grants criminal immunity to persons breaking in-
to locked hot cars to rescue animals.

                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

A 20-foot-tall sculpture of a tooth arrived at a public art dis-
play in Crown Point.
                                       [courtesy Northwest Indiana Times]

nichnyej.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Nicholas Gay, WM, 5'8", 140 lbs, brown hair and eyes, theft, probation violation, escape; Nyejha Fultz, BF, 5'9", 160 lbs, black hair, brown eyes, criminal confinement; Samantha James, WF, 5'4", 130 lbs, red hair, brown eyes, cocaine, legend drugs, FTA: Berrien County, Michigan's: Kadarian Cortez Ervin, BM, interfering with electronic communication (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

A man was arrested for hanging American flags upside down
on the eve of Memorial Day at several locations around down-
town Russell Springs,  including the post office,  the city hall
and the hospital. . . .

Police and a fireman  rescued  a dachshund  from the partially
hollow trunk of a tree he had got to through a groundhog hole
at a cemetery in Livingston County. . . .

The owners of Muhammad Ali's boyhood home  in Louisville,
who turned it into a museum, say now they may have to close
it because of financial difficulty  (they have asked the city for
help)   –  as a six-week celebration of the late boxing champ's
death began in Louisville yesterday,  the anniversary  of  Ali's
death. . . .

Louisville has experienced  119 murders  in the year since the
death  of  Muhammad  Ali,  more than twice as many as three
years earlier; and Governor Selfie suggested prayer in answer
to the problem. . . .

Someone took shots at the Lexington Herald-Leader building,
shattering three double-paned windows. . . .

A man serving a 5-year prison sentence was taken to court for
charges other than that for which he was imprisoned; the oth-
er charges were dismissed, and the man was freed. . . .

A black bear showed up in a Wal-Mart parking lot in Somer-
set in the middle of the night.
                                                             [courtesy LEX18, CBS]

katheath.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Kathy Billings, WF, 37, 5'6", 147 lbs, apprenticed to Angela Bach; Heather Ward, WF, 41, 5'7", 180 lbs, firewater in an unlicensed bottle; Kwanty Chistian, BM, 24, 5'8", 170 lbs, alone and unwanted; Latifah Smoot, BF, 24, 5'5", "featured fugitive of the week," traffic in controlled substance; Dinika Davis, BF, 36, overstay at the China Buffet; Angela Bach, WF, 34, 5'5", 120 lbs, hot Jumanji monkey sex on the street (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Two women from Louisville and their dog got lost hiking in
the Harrison-Crawford State Forest near Corydon,  Indiana,
and  telephoned  for  help,  but turned conservation officers'
rescue into a 25-mile, 4-hour journey by refusing to stay put
as told.
                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

                                                                                   – Dacey  the Dove Dermacare girl

      "I'm going to hang up and call you all right now."
                                                                                              – Whitney the Ditz in a Synergy commercial

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "I'm terrified beyond capacity for all rational thought." – Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Red Swivelhead India Style Ale.

Buzz words that need a nap:  A "one-off."


Birthdays:
                    May 29:  John Hinckley, 62
                                    John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)
                    May 30:  Christina Claire Ciminella "Wynonna" Judd, 53
                                    P. J. Carlesimo, 68
                                    Selam II Sari the Blond (1524-1574)
                    May 31:  Brooke Shields, 52
                                    Clint Eastwood, 87
                    June 1:  Alanis Morissette, 43
                                  David Berkowitz, 64
                                  Pat Boone, 83
                    June 2:  Abby Wambach, 37
                                  Jim Maloney, 77
                    June 3:  Rafael Nadal, 30
                                  Raul Castro, 86
                                  Jim Gentile, 83
                                  Allen Ginsberg (1926-1997)
                    June 4:  Angelina Jolie, 42
                                  Mama Michelle, 73
                                  Dr. Ruth, 89

Deaths:
                Manuel Noriega, 83
                Frank Deford, 78
                Gayleon "Gayle" Aldridge, 61
                                                                            [Louisville Courier-Journal]

leahkyle.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Leah M. Golden, BF, 25, 5'7", 200 lbs, tattoos right breast, left leg, criminal threat; Kyle Delshawn Young, BM, 30, 5'11", 178 lbs, tattoos right neck "BOS UP SONIA," left shoulder "KYLE," distribution of certain stimulants; Samantha L. Wisenor,WF, 27, 5'3", 150 lbs, unlawful possession of opiates (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

hazelkin.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives, Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Hazel King, 24, brown hair, brown eyes, 120 lbs, 5'0", violation of probation, forgery of financial instrument

lifejard.jpg Life Saver Dude: Dude that is gross, yard art from Jadwiga