:

Publius Leget wrote Sun 9/17/17 @08:33 CDT:

Why did you call the baseball team that just set
a major league record with 22 straight wins the
Cleveland Inepdians, not Cleveland Indians?

Isn't that the team that lost to the Chicago Cubs in the
World Series?    – Editor

FGDean@aol.com wrote Tues 9/19/17 @16:17 PDT:

Who created the "czarownica" that captured your
attention in the photo next to Life Saver Dude?

More forest art by Jadwiga.    – Ed.

An Indiana University caver named  Lukas  Cavar,  19,  was
locked in a cave for 2½ days.
                                                                    [courtesy Reuters]

A college student was run over and killed by a school bus in
Indianapolis.
                                                    [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A school bus carrying 36 persons in Connersville,  including
the high school swimming team, was traveling downhill, ran
a stop sign, slammed into a utility pole and rolled over, send-
ing 16 pupils to a hospital  (no life-threatening injuries  were
reported). . . .

Three more public high schools were closed  in Indianapolis,
where public high school enrollment has dropped from more
than 100,000 to only 30,000 in several decades. . . .

A man who robbed a LaPorte gasoline station of food,  drinks
and cigarettes was arrested after running out of gasoline a few
miles up the road  – guess it was "Pay before you pump,"  but
if he had taken money, too,  he could have paid  (by  the  way,
LaPorte  is  the county seat  of  LaPorte County,  and  it's  one
word for both places;  but Wikipedia  would have you believe
the County is "LaPorte" but the city is "La Porte"). . . .

A Terre Haute woman was convicted of neglect in the death
of a 9-year-old blind boy with cerebral palsy  who  weighed
only 15 pounds. . . .

Articles in the Columbus Republic and the Kokomo Tribune
told of the  appearance and departure   from  Kokomo  High
School of  Banksy's Haight Street Rat,  but neither showed a
picture of it. . . .

A  3-foot  crocodile  was caught in Brandywine Creek near
Greenfield.
                                          [courtesy Columbus Republic]

jermaine.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Jermaine Evans, BM, 6'3", 160 lbs, theft, failure to appear; Megan Morrison, WF, 5'1", 120 lbs (2d rap) (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Louisville attorney  Hans Poppe  represents the family of
Alexus Rashell Gray, 16, and Maury Kommor represents
the family of Isaiah Tai Shaun Basham, 18, in a claim for
wrongful death in a police pursuit on Herr Lane.

                                                [courtesy Courier-Journal]

A horse rider known as  "Cowboy  Cook"  was arrested for
cussing out police who warned him he was a safety hazard
on U.S. 27 in Stanford. . . .

ICE closed three Mexican restaurants in Nicholasville. . . .

A  Mary J. Bilge  concert  scheduled last night in Louisville
was canceled without reason stated. . . .

Muhammad Ali's boyhood home museum in Louisville was
closed. . . .



Most wanted in Edmonson County:  Jiquisa Thomas, no dri-
ver's license, failure to appear;  Etta Louise Coffelt,  posses-
sion, traffic, etc.; Kaitlynn D. Law, etc.; Haley Gertiser, rob-
bery 1°,  Brett Higgs, robbery 2°,   and Zachery Hogan, rob-
bery ?°.
                                                               [courtesy the Gimlet]

    

haleyger.jpg Aaron Nifong, Haley Gertiser

A 31-year-old Glasgow woman, Aaron Nifong, was accused
of grabbing a Bowling policewoman in the genitals and spit-
ting in her face.
                                                                    [courtesy LEX18]

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "A 'K-9' companion gives a cop 'probable paws' for a search of your body or your car."                              – Leonard Simon the diagonal orange overprint says © 2017 Hart County Jail All Rights Reserved –>

                                            

The world ended yesterday  (remember, this was written before
it happened). . . .West Virginia was ranked least diverse state in
a study by the web site Wallet Hub (Kentucky was 45th; Indian-
a, 42nd) . . . .  An interpreter for the deaf missignspoke of mon-
sters and pizza in a Manatee County,  Florida,  press conference
warning residents about TSFKA Irma. . . .  Ohio –  clown mask
– 6-year-old daughter – gunfire – you figure it out! . . . A Geor-
gia Tech engineering student who yelled "Shoot me!"  at the po-
po got her wish. . . . "Maria" was upgraded to a "hurricane" (but
the wind, they call Mariah). . . . Police were looking for a "poop
and run"  jogger  in a neighborhood of Colorado Springs, Color-
ado. . . .A 78-year-old woman was found dead for two days in a
bathroom stall at a health club in Burr Ridge,  Illinois.  . . .  Bill
Gates again expressed his regrets over ctrl-alt-delete. . . .  Some
of the 4,000 immigrants  who gathered in Los Angeles to take a
citizenship oath  groaned  as  they  faced a video welcome from
Donald Trump. . . . President Trump praised efforts of "Nambia"
at a United Nations meeting with African leaders.

                                                                    [courtesy LEX18, AP]

haileyja.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Hailey Annah Windle, 27, blonde hair, blue eyes, 100 lbs, 5'2", credit/debit card abuse; James Sherman Green III, 20, black hair, brown eyes, 220 lbs, 5'8", murder (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)

  

lamaradr.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Lamar Vaughn Miller, BM, 35, 5'8", 150 lbs, tattoos, left chest, "Evelyn" in a heart, right arm "Lamar" in Old English, left arm, panther, two gold teeth, theft; Adrian Kay Martin, BF, 31, 5'2", tattoos, upper right arm, Chinese symbols, upper left arm, clown w/initials 'JMF,' right shoulder, cloud and "Mary," left shoulder, Dequla, back, heart and ribbon, probation violation, possession of opiates and drug paraphernalia, driving while suspended; Zealia Alice-Zhia Sher Collins, BF, 20, a/k/a Zealia Alicezhia Collin, 5'2", 130 lbs, probation violation, theft; Terror Trinett Morris-Howard, BF, 45, a/k/a Terror Morris, Terror T. Howard, Lucinda T. Jones, Tar, 5'8", 250 lbs, tattoo right arm "Shea," probation violation, theft (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

Donald Trump called Colin Kaepernick a son of a bitch. . . .

An entire third-grade football team knelt during the Nation-
al Anthem in Belleville, Illinois. . . .

Wayne Gretzky, who scored his first professional goal with
the Indianapolis Racers of the former World Hockey Asso-
ciation,  will be one of more than a dozen sports stars hon-
ored by new statues at the Children's Museum in Indianap-
olis,  Indiana  (yes,  Larry Bird and Oscar Robertson will be
there, too).

arrogcat.jpg Bourbon Barrel-Aged Arrogant

My mother is extremely self-centered.  Ever since I can re-
member, everything has always been about her. That may
be why she and Dad split.  You can't have a conversation
with her without her making it about her.

I'm 25.  I just want to have a regular conversation with my
mom  without her somehow bringing the mood down say-
ing she has demons to deal with on her own  and she can't
be positive or happy for others.

There's nothing really wrong with her!  She's healthy and
fit, has a wonderful job she claims to love, and friends she
goes out with often and seems to have fun with.  She's out
literally every weekend.  I just don't get why she never has
time or my siblings.

I'm afraid I'll never have that mother/daughter relationship.
Maybe I wouldn't care so much if I had another role model
to confide in; but unfortunately, I have neither a mother nor
a father figure in my life.  My siblings and I have been chea-
ted  in  the  parent  department – a father who left us  and  a
mother who thinks only of herself.
                                                                    Lost Soul in Ohio

lifejwf1.jpg Life Saver Dude: Oho! More 'forest art' from Jadwiga, I see

:

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 9/10/17 @01:02 PDT re "An-

swer your phone!":

The headline was "Pilot in plane crash was trying to land
as copter took off," but the article said "a . . . small plane
. . . was trying to take off  as a  helicopter  was  trying  to
land . . . ." . . .

The former vice principal of a middle school in New Al-
bany was arrested for voyeurism after  his  camera  was
found in a boys' locker room. . . .

A  new  regulation  at the University of Notre Dame re-
quires freshmen, sophomores and juniors  to  reside  on
campus.
                                         [courtesy Columbus Republic]

The queens and princesses of the Edmonson County Fair
and Homecoming and their courts include Abigail, Abby,
Alex-Shae,  Ashleigh, Bryleigh,  Caitlin, Kaitlyn, Kailee,
Kaylee, Keely,  Chanley,  Charly,  Emma-Claire,  Hayley
Mae, Jade, Jennay, Layla-Kate, Leah, Lilli,  Macy, Madi-
son Renae,  McKenna LaDawn, Mikayla,  Peyton,  Rilee
Jo, Shaylee and Sheriden.
                         [courtesy Edmonson News: To see photos
of these lovelies and others, and of their "escorts,"  inclu-
ding Easton, Griffin, Lane,  Lucas and Trace,  check  out
this weekend's XTRA edition of Tabloid Headlines]

   

Classic quotations of the Wheat (Simon said June 15, 2014): "Stop the grinnin' and drop the linen." – Leonard Simon

"Hunker down"
"Be safe"  (Seriously?!?!)
"Wobble"
"Be [f-ing] prepared"
                                        (Give me a break!)

                                             Dina Lohan, 55
                    September 16: 
                                             Rosemary Casals, 69
                                             Elgin Baylor, 83
                    September 17:  David Souter, 78
Deaths:
                Harry Dean Stanton, 91
                Pete Domenici, 85
                Jessi Zazu, 28
                Jacquetta Bush, 80
                Berteana Clan, 64
                Waunola Cole, 93
                Lutha Cooper, 90
                E

The Pasco County, Florida, Sheriff advised citizens not to shoot at Hur-
ricane Irma. . . . The photographer David Slater and the Indonesian ma-
caque Narudo settled out of court (Slater will donate 25 per cent to cha-
rities selected by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals of his
earnings from the "selfie" Narudo took with Slater's camera). . . . A 19-
year-old woman last seen at a party in a suburban Chicago, Illinois, ho-
tel was found dead in the hotel's walk-in freezer. . . . A certain "former"
hurricane was renamed  TSFKAI  (the storm formerly known as Irma).
. . . A statue of Robert E. Lee was removed from Robert E. Lee Park in
Dallas, Texas. and a truck driver was killed in the process. . . .  An  In-
ternational Dark Sky Reserve was being promoted in central Idaho. . . .
President Trump welcomed 11-year-old Frank Giaccio, of Falls Church,
Virginia, to mow the White House lawn (sounds like an immigrant name
to us – anyone know?   In any event,  be sure to check out readers' com-
ments if you visit the link). . . . Trump supporters disaffected by his toy-
ing with DACA posted on line videos of themselves burning "Make A-
merica Great Again" caps. . . .  Here are a few indictments of Kris Ko-
bach, vice chairman of the Presidential Advisory Commission on Elec-
tion Integrity, published in Harper's.
                                                                               [courtesy LEX18, AP]

dawneash.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Dawne Smith, 35, pink hair, hazel eyes, 140 lbs, 5'7", bond revocation, possession of controlled substance o/4g u/200g; Franchez Worsham, 24, black hair, brown eyes, 200 lbs, 6'2", bond revocation, possession of controlled substance o/4g u200g in drug free zone; Shantel Renea Alexander, 22, black hair, brown eyes, 135 lbs, 5'7", violation of probation, unauthorized use of vehicle (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Sara C. Joran, a/k/a Sara Cheree Jordan, a/k/a Sara Cheree Thompson, WF, 34, 5'1", 135 lbs, red hair, green eyes, "bunny symbol" tattoos chest, back, "Cheree" lower back, foot, probation violation burglary, forgery, cont. subst., Kala Ann Lynn, a/k/a Kayla Ann Brown a/k/a Kayla Ann Lynn, YF, 22, 5'6", 139 lbs, black hair, brown eyes, tattoos right shoulder and arm, probation violation,aggravated attempted burglary; Ashley Brittani Caldwell, BF, 28, 5'2", 164 lbs, black hair, brown eyes, probation violation, abuse of a child, firewater (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

Rafael Nadal grunted like a woman tennis player in a straight sets vic-
tory over Kevin Anderson for the U.S. Open title. . . .

The Florida International University football team, stranded in Birm-
ingham, Alabama,  by Hurricane Irma,  since September 8,  canceled
yesterday's game at Indiana,  while I.U. welcomed  the  Florida  Gulf
Coast University volleyball team nearly a week early  for  yesterday's
game. . . .

The Cleveland Inepdians set a new major league baseball record with
22 games won in a row  (but the Welsh Saints won 27 in a row in soc-
cer in 2016, and the University of Oklahoma won 47 in a row in foot-
ball in 1953 through 1957).

As my children have grown older, I have regarded myself
as matriarch of the family, giving advice and help where I
think it’s needed.  Lately,  though,  I'm afraid my relation-
ship with them may have taken a turn,  as  I  can't seem to
stop criticizing.

Recently  they sat down with me and told me  they  dread
coming to visit, are sick of my "mother-in-law" treatment
of their spouses,  and collectively wish I'd clip my tongue.
But I can't stop.   Holding back leaves me anxious and de-
pressed.  I'm having difficulty dialing back my habits and
don't know where to turn.
                                                                Matriarch in Utah

lifehigh.jpg "Sermons like that are worth going back to church for!" Life Saver Dude "The fact that there's a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic"

:

Students wore Confederate flag T-shirts to Lapel High
School, 25 miles northeast of Indianapolis. . . .

U.S. District Judge Gonzalo Curiel of San Diego, Cali-
fornia,  who  presided  over the Trump University case
and  drew fire from the President  for  biased  Mexican
heritage  (he was born to Mexican immigrants  in Indi-
ana and grew up in Hammond),  will  address  the His-
panic Heritage Month festival  in  Indianapolis  on Oc-
tober 6.
                                        [courtesy Columbus Republic]

An Evansville farmer created a corn maze depicting the
face of Princess Leia.
                                              [courtesy Courier & Press]

Clarksville "euthanized" more than 200 geese to control
their population  around Town Hall  (funny way to spell
"executed").
                        [courtesy Jeffersonville News & Tribune]

amymatth.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Amy Gulbranson, WF, 5'5", 155 lbs, fraud, theft; Matthew Church, WM, 5'6", 125 lbs, probation violaation; Monica Vaughn, BF, 5'6", 120 lbs, nonsupport; Elijah Robinson, BM, 32, warrant from Wisconsin; Reka Phillips, BF, 5'10", 170 lbs, leaving the scene of a fatal accident (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

deseraew.jpg Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Nicholas Doug Smith, WM, assault with a dangerous weapon; Deserae Michell Wright, a/k/a Desirée Michelle Wright, BF, assault w/a dangerous weapon; Varien Marcelle Bennett, BM, assault by strangulation; Daniel Thomas Cheatham, WM, home invasion, poss. of meth

Groups led by the NAACP sent a letter to the City of Pa-
ducah  requesting the removal of a statue of Confederate
General Lloyd Tilghman, suggesting "When the statue is
removed, we suggest that a plaque be put in its place . . .
detailing  why  the statue was removed  as well as listing
the names of the enslaved Africans  that Lloyd Tilghman
owned . . . whose identities were erased from history." . . .

A Lincoln County highway was covered with hundreds
of counterfeit $50 and $100 bills. . . .

The  state  was  considering going to  flat  license  plates,
which would accommodate more letters and numbers, re-
duce the number of prisoners required to make them from
55 to 10, and save $320,000 a year. . . .

jessicac.jpg Jessica Caterina, 24, of Evansville, Indiana, was one of four persons arrested for kidnapping a man at the solar eclipse viewing in Henderson, Kentucky, duct-taping him, and leaving him lying naked on a road

An "Extreme Coupon Queen" in Mason County donated
her thousands of items of "stuff"  to hurricane victims in
Texas.
                                                               [courtesy LEX18]

cameronb.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Cameron Abell, WM, 26, 6'1", 200 lbs, aggravated smurfery; Barbara Blakeman, WF, 27, 5'7", playing the victim; Danielle Brake, WF, 29, 5'4", 170 lbs, can't get a brreak; Linda Perkins, BF, 61, 5'6", 180 lbs, pistol-packin' mama; Stephanie Jackson, WF, 47, 5'4", 153 lbs, playing Barbara B'man; Sarah Martino, WF, 30, 5'10", 130 lbs, surname "Martini" misspelled on driver's license, illegally hot; Jason Bethune, BM, 38, 5'5", 190 lbs, illegally cool (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):                                                                  "Inbreeding is endemic to Butler County." – Leonard Simon      reminds us of the riddle, "If you get married in Edmonson County      and divorced in Butler County, are you still brother and sister?"  – Editor

jennjuan.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Jennifer Kennedy, WF, 27, 5'3", 150 lbs, robbery; Juan Pina-Ibarro, HM, 42, 5'3", 130 lbs, continuous sexual abuse of a child; Kiana Crain, BF, 24, 5'2", 135 lbs, endanger a child; Wanted in Tom Green County, Texas: Christina Eureste, WF, 36, 5'5", 135 lbs, forgery financial instrument elderly; Debra Lee Garcia, WF, 59, 5'4", 155 lbs, bail jumping, fail. to appear (Abilene Crime Stoppers, Tom Green County Sheriff)

ashlyall.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texaas): Ashley S. Hayes, BM [sic], 25, 5'4", 180 lbs, burglary (Sedgwick County Sheriff]; Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Joshua Allen Brown, 29, brown hair, blue eyes, 160 lbs, 5'11", intoxication assault (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)

A 41-year-old man ran into the flames at the annual Burning Man festi-
val in Nevada and died. . . .  Los Angeles, California, became the latest
city to change Columbus Day to  Indigenous  Peoples  Day.  . . .  Gwen
Stefani explained to Ellen DeGeneres that Blake Shelton lost 30 pounds
with CAA safflower oil (following a lead from Kloe Kardashian).  .  .  .
"DACA,"  remember  (the newscasters don't),  stands for "Deferred Ac-
tion for Childhood Arrivals"  (the D does not stand for "DREAMers"  –
that  is  from  the Development, Relief and Education for Alien Minors
[DREAM] Act, which never passed). . . .  Leslie Van Houten was paro-
led (again). . . . The world erupted.
                                                                              [courtesy LEX18, AP]

 

My wife and I have been married  17  years. The first 16
she made me lattes.  Last year she announced she would
no longer make me lattes. Would it be OK for me to find
another woman to make lattes for me?

Hint:  I am not really talking about lattes.
                                                                    KO'd in Kokomo

Celebrity lookalikes:

       
           Steven Duncan          Stephen Miller            James Spader

lifestup.jpg Life Saver Dude: You can't tell people they're stupid - they don't get it! 'Sign holding classes $10' [upside down] 'Should we tell him?'

the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket
– the week's headlines:

Inside Kelly and Megyn's explosive showdown (Enquirer); Some shithead out there makes so much more money than you do (Onion); Secret heart attack, Chuck Norris dies twice in 47 minutes (Enquirer); 5 things to know about Taylor Swift, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 (Onion)

            1.
            2.
            3.        Editorial:
            4.
            5.            "Harvey," they say in the "news," "began as a 'hurricane,' be-
                                   came a 'tropical storm,'  and is now a  'tropical depression'."
                                   So, if different entities,  why did they not receive their own
                                   names  through  this  transmogrification?  E.g.,  "Hurricane
                                   Harvey,"  "Tropical Storm Imogene," "Tropical Depression
                                   Jeronimo"?  Oh!  We get it!  "Harvey"  is  "trans"!

     As so many people and storms seem to be these days.  When
    we commented five years ago  on the devastation of the New
    Jersey  Shore  by Hurricane Sandy,  we sure got our comeup-
    pance.  "That was no  'hurricane',"  we were told;  "it  was  a
    'superstorm'."  Oh. OK. There was no Hurricane Sandy.  Tell
    Governor Christie.

LETTERS to the EDITOR:

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 8/27/17 @12:56 EDT:

Boone  County  High School's   Mr. Rebel  better  be  wearing  jeans,  a white T-shirt with rolled-up sleeves holding a pack of fags  and  a  giant greasy duck tail,  and  arrive  at  the field in a cloud of oil smoke behind the wheel of a drag-racin' '55 Chev- y, to protect the principal's integrity.

  Where I first taught,  at Escambia High School,  in  Pensacola,  Florida,
   the mascot was the Confederate Rebel,  the teams were the Rebels,  the
   school flag was the Stars & Bars,  and the school song was "Dixie"!   It
   was also the first year of integration.  As the sports teams improved dra-
   matically,  it took only a year for the race riots to commence.   So, in  a
   nod to Florida's horrendous Spanish history,  the school's entire identity
   became the Conquistadors! That was cool with all local ethnics because
   the indigenous tribes had been wiped out centuries before.

Unisex name of the week: Charlie (Charley, Charly).

Dumb news from Indiana:

A truck driver lost one of two trailers he was pulling on I-
80-94 in Gary and  was  unaware   of it until police pulled
him over seven miles down the road. . . .

A 2-year-old boy stuck his head out the window of a park-
ed car in Lafayette, rolled up the window, and died. . . .

More than 200 persons were arrested at a truck fair in Ter-
re Haute, most on alcohol and drug charges,  and  another
350 or so got traffic citations.

The latest scene of the "sanitation of history" is Indiana U-
niversity's Woodburn Hall, a classroom and office building
in Bloomington including the office of African Studies:  A
petition  seeks the removal of Thomas Hart Benton's paint-
ing  depicting the power of the Ku Klux Klan in the Hoosi-
er State in the 1920's, one of a 22-panel mural scanning the
history of the state.
                                               [courtesy Columbus Republic]

cassiemc.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Cassie McEndarfer, WF, 5'4", 105 lbs, narcotic, failure to appear; Erica Knightes, BF, 5'5", 250 lbs, fraud, theft, probation violation; Alexander Bell, WM, 6'0", 160 lbs, resisting, failure to appear; Berrien County, Michigan's: Don Ray Cronk II, WM, welfare fraud (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:

Police, told that a man had left his dog in a locked truck as
he had breakfast  at a Waffle House in Bowling Green,  in-
vestigated.   The man had left the windows cracked 3 inch-
es and a bowl of water on the floorboard, and told the cops
the dog goes with him everywhere except to work. The po-
lice told him that leaving a dog in a car, even with the win-
dows open,  could be life-threatening (it was only 80° out).
They didn't arrest him  or write him a ticket,  but  they  did
say they would take the matter up with prosecutors.

                [courtesy Park City (Bowling Green) Daily News]

Hurricane Harvey stranded 40 Houston horses in Lexing-
ton, Ky., after a performance at the Kentucky Horse Park. . . .

A Chinese restaurant in Pikeville that posted a sign accus-
ing another Chinese restaurant of infesting it with roaches
had its license suspended for being infested with roaches. . . .

seniorit.jpg This Corbin High School yearbook photo, captioned "Worst Case of Senioritis," with artificially darkened skin on both subjects, raised some eyebrows (we don't know who obscured the facial features)

A man on his way from Bowling Green,  Ky.,  to  Florida,
dumped  by  his companions,  stole a school bus in Blount
County, Alabama,  to complete the trip.
                                                                  [courtesy LEX18]

audreytr.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Audrey Trevino, 22, 5'7", 200 lbs, multiple counts of felony theft and pickpocketing, 859-253-2020 bluegrasscrimestoppers.com

Quotations of the week:
                                          "What a crowd!  What a turnout!"
                                                                                                    – Trump in Texas

                                          "The First Amendment protects the exchange of ideas, not the exchange of bullets."

                                                                     – Anthony Romero, executive director, American Civil Liberties Union
    "No mo' mohem!"
                                    – antiterrorist chant

Quotations of the weak:
                                            "The Judge . . . said it was clear that white farmers . . . intended to kill the
                                              victim and bury him alive."
                                                                                               – Ofeibea Quist-Arcton, National Public Radio

    "Professor Sam Brody specializes in natural hazards mitigation at Texas AMN University in Galveston."

                                                                        – Ailsa Chang, National Public Radio (listen: She says it twice)

    "A man was arrested outside Buckingham Palace armed with a broadsword and shouting 'Allahu akbar'."

                                                                        – Giles Snyder, NPR News (pronouncing the "w" in "broadsword")

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "You can dress it up, put some makeup on it and a short skirt – maybe   even high heels –  but I'm looking for  third  rate  romance  and high   rent rendezvous." – Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Ride On IPA

"There's an app for that!" – the idiot shock collar:  It knocks you down when you do something stupid.


Birthdays:
                    August 28:  Eileen Regina Edwards ("Shania Twain"), 52
                    August 29:  John McCain, 81
                    August 30:  R. Crumb, 74
                                        Warren Buffett, 87
                                        Pedro the Cruel (1334-1369)
                    August 31:  Richard Gere, 68
                                        Van Morrison, 72
                                        Ramon Magsaysay (1907-1957)
                    September 1:  Lily Tomlin, 78
                                           Harold Jenkins ("Conway Twitty," 1933-1993)
                    September 2:  Salma Hayek, 51
                                           Jimmy Connors, 65
                    September 2:  Terry Bradshaw, 71
                                           Tom Glazer (1914-2003)
                    September 3:  Charlie Sheen, 52
                                           Tompall Glaser (1933-2013)
 
Deaths:
                Shelly Berman, 92
                Jud Heathcote, 90
                Rollie Massimino, 82
                William L. Holmes, 58
                William Holmes, 58
                William "Willie" Holmes, 58
                Zada Inez Fairchild Lightbody, 89
                Anna Mae Hatcher Lee Martin, 72
                Boonpun "Pranee" Morton, 73, of Louisville, survived by husband, David Morton,
                        and children, Nongkran Chaiseetong, Bungsong Kongkaew and Tye Morton
                Jimmie Nu'Man, 72
                Jamar M. "Sweeney" Sweeney, 36
                                                      [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:

San Franciscans laid a field of dog shit to squelch a right-wing demon-
stration.  .  .  .  Saumuel Jackson and Magic Johnson were portrayed as
"lazy migrants" on "social media" in Italy as they vacationed and shop-
ped in Tuscany. . . .Yard gators came to Texas neighborhoods with Hur-
ricane Harvey. . . . Katy Perry denied that she is JonBenet Ramsey. . . .
. . . A 12-year-old girl seen in a strapless gown at a dance with a "Jesus
+ Loves"  tattoo  on her shoulder,  which she got at a Super Bowl party,
led to the arrests of her mother and the tattoo lady in Newman, Georgia.
. . . Kim Kardashian appeared in blackface and coifed as Jackie Kenne-
dy on the cover of Interview magazine,  billed as  "America's new First
Lady." . . . The  Editor  of Tabloid Headlines fell out of his chair, drunk,
and cracked two ribs.
                                                                                [courtesy LEX18, AP]

natashal.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Natasha LaGail Latchett, 30, black hair, brown eyes, 140 lbs, 5'7", surety off bond; Alton Mackey, 22, brown hair, black eyes, 160 lbs, 5'11", deadly conduct; Katie Lauren Edgemon, 35, brown hair, blue eyes, 170 lbs, 5'6", burglary of a habitation; Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)

             

songmala.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Robert Merle Krug III, 53, 6'3", 190 lbs, brown hair, hazel eyes, fake crime report; Erin F. Hurley, WF, 58, 5'3", 140 lbs, brown hair, blue eyes, possession of controlled substance; Songkhone Song Douangmala, AF, 31, 5'2", 115 lbs, brown hair and eyes, forgery (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

Dear Eleanor:

When you are on the phone with someone and the call
is dropped, who is supposed to call who back?  I spent
5 minutes trying to call my mom back  as she was try-
ing to call me back. It was very frustrating;  both of us
kept getting voice mail.  Mom says the person who re-
ceived the call should be the person who calls back.   I
say the person who made the call should be the person
who calls back.
                                                        Unsure in San Diego

Dear Uns:
                       Voice mail,  not busy signals?  Report the prob-
                       lem to your telephone companies – and leave a
                       message on the voice mail.

                       By the way,  it's "who is supposed to call whom
                       back," not "who is supposed to call who back."


The sports:
                        Ronda Rousey said she can beat Floyd Mayweather.

                        Golf nottie

      
          Ryan Bender, all-state senior golfer at Sa-
            cred Heart High School, Louisville, Ky.

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "renshan@hepdi.com"
        titled "The members of that guild, and thirty!"

lifecato.jpg Oops, I think I get that one, thanks, Jan, Cat Obedience School graduation