December 31, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket   –   the
week's headlines
:

Hollywood's plastic surgery disasters! Nicole Kidman, Mickey Rourke, Meg Ryan; Wayne Newton, 75, his face is now a 'Danke Shame"; Raquel Welch, 77, 1 Million Years BC siren now has an alarming face; neither has admitted to a 'face job,' but plastic surgeon Otto Placik says "she clearly has undergone facial procedure"; "courtesy" the National Examiner; if you want to see Tom Cruise, Stockard Channing and Barry Manilow, too, you will have to buy the January 1, 2018, issue (it's only $4.99 plus tax); Melania's darkest secrets, betrayal, lies and separate bedrooms (In Touch)
Hollywood's plastic surgery disasters! Nicole Kidman, Mickey Rourke, Meg Ryan; Wayne Newton, 75, his face is now a 'Danke Shame"; Raquel Welch, 77, 1 Million Years BC siren now has an alarming face; neither has admitted to a 'face job,' but plastic surgeon Otto Placik says "she clearly has undergone facial procedure"; "courtesy" the National Examiner; if you want to see Tom Cruise, Stockard Channing and Barry Manilow, too, you will have to buy the January 1, 2018, issue (it's only $4.99 plus tax); Melania's darkest secrets, betrayal, lies and separate bedrooms (In Touch)


Please vote for Kelly Ripa here!  blankbox.jpg  (for whatever she is,
        whatever she has done, or whatever she may yet do).


Unisex name of the week:  Erin (we don't even need to homophone it with Aaron this time).


Dumb news from Indiana:
Liquor stores are closed in Indiana today.  It may be New Year's
Eve, but it's also a Sunday. . . .

South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg and his boy friend were get-
ting married.
                                                       [courtesy Columbus Republic]
South Bend's most wanted: Angel Cauffman, WF, 38,
                  5'5", 185 lbs, distributing heroin; Terre
                  Haute's: Joe Thompson, WM, 42, 6'1", 170 lbs,
                  burglary, invasion of privacy; Wanted in Berrien
                  County, Michigan: Oral Latoya Miles, BF, Robbery; Kyle
                  Jeffery Lewis, WM, assault by strangulation (Michiana,
                  Wabash Valley Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
                          jennison.jpg Jennifer
                                              Ison, 44, drunk and
                                              screaming on an apartment
                                              house balcony in
                                              Paintsville, kicked a
                                              paramedic who came to
                                              rescue her
"Circumcision  harms.   Bring  your whole baby home"
reads a first-in-the-nation billboard erected  in  Owens-
boro by
Your Whole Baby, an anti-circumcision organ-
ization based in Texas. . . .

A Madisonville automobile salesman was  charged  with
theft for taking nearly $4,000 from the dealership where
he worked and throwing it out the window of his car (the
money has not been recovered). . . .

A man found a frozen alligator in his back yard in Harlan
County. . . .

Psychiatrist Robby Strong, a native of Paducah, Kentucky,
delivered boxes of horse manure to the two homes of U.S.
Treasury Secretary Steven
Mnuchin in Los Angeles, Cali-
fornia, 
on  Christmas  Eve  to  "thank" him for the tax re-
form bill.
. . .

A Hickman County deputy sheriff chased a man who fail-
ed to stop at a roadblock into Tennessee  and shot and kil-
led him there.

                                                               
[courtesy LEX18]
briantam.jpg Kentucky's most wanted: Brian Craig, WM, 52, 6'0", 170 lbs, useless as tits on a boar; Tamara Barrett, WF, 45, 5'7", 220 lbs, sorry as a sled load of shit; Lamarius Gates, BM, 23, 5'3", 145 lbs, assault, persistent felony offender, "featured fugitive of the week"; James Gregory, WM, 30, 5'10", 140 lbs, upside down ears (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
briantam.jpg Kentucky's most wanted: Brian Craig, WM, 52, 6'0", 170 lbs, useless as tits on a boar; Tamara Barrett, WF, 45, 5'7", 220 lbs, sorry as a sled load of shit; Lamarius Gates, BM, 23, 5'3", 145 lbs, assault, persistent felony offender, "featured fugitive of the week"; James Gregory, WM, 30, 5'10", 140 lbs, upside down ears (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
Quotations of the week:
                                            "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"
                                                                                                                                –  you know who
                                                        "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
                                                                                    – you know who

        "Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar.  The bartender serves them tainted alcohol,
          because there are no regulations.  They all die."
                                                                                             
– J. Ewing

Quotation of the weak:

        The new tooth scraper at my dentist's office told me her name was "Cindy," and then added,
        "I'm a Hodges," telling me her last name, I thought.  But it turned out that what she was say-
        was, "I'm a hygienist," in a pronounced Southern drawl.
                                                                                                     – Cindy the Hodgenist

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"My agent informed me that a male enhancement company is using my likeness
  in a fake interview to sell its product:  'The Wheat  –  harder  than  Superman's
  kneecap'."
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Broken Rudder.                              niprince.jpg Michael Neu, 67, was arrested in Slidell, Louisiana, as an e-mil "Nigerian prince."

niprince.jpg Michael Neu, 67, was arrested in Slidell, Louisiana, as an e-mil "Nigerian prince."

Buzz words that need a nap:  "Glad to be here."

Birthdays:
                    December 25: 
Justin Trudeau, 46
                                            
Rickey Henderson, 59
                                            
Sissy Spacek, 68
                                            
Merry Clayton, 69
                                            
Jimmy Buffett, 71
                                             Larry Csonka, 71
                                             Humphrey Bogart (1899-1957)

                                             what's-his-name (4 B.C. - 26 A.D.)
                   
December 26:  David Sedaris, 61
                                             Phil Spector, 78
                                             Kitty Dukakis, 81
                                             Mao Tse-tung (1893-1976)
                    December 27:  Karla Bonoff, 66
                                             Tracy Nelson, 73 (this one, not that one)
                    December 28:  Edgar Winter, 71
                    December 29:  Yvonne Elliman, 66
                                             Marianne Faitfhfull, 71
                    December 30: 
LeBron James, 33
                                             A.J. Pierzynski, 41
                                             Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods, 42
                                             Michael Nesmith, 75
                                             Sandy Koufax, 82
                    December 31:  Donald Trump Jr., 40
Deaths:
                Rose Marie, 94
                Sue Grafton, 77
                Marvin Hart Abstain Jr., 80
                Ethaniel Ballard, 89
                Ollie Boffman, 90
                Montell De'Ray Cargill, 22
                Darla Dee'na Frazier, 55
                Mabel Unglaub, 93
                Lauvonne Woodward, 78
                                                                    [Louisville Courier-Journal]


                         Celebrity lookalikes
                            jdurbrob.jpg
                                       Robby Strong                 John A. Durbin II 

amynicol.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Amy L. Reed, WF, 33, a/k/a Amy L. Gerdes, 5'4", 135 lbs, theft, mistreatment of an elderly person; Nicole M. Pulliam, WF, 25, 5'4", 200 lbs, tattoos on neck, left wrist, right ankle and chest, possession of firearm by a felon, overstay at the China Buffet; Stormy R. Stewart, WF, 53, a/k/a Stormy McPeak, Marcella Garner, 5'1", 120 lbs, possession of opiates; Wanted in Waco: Destiny Annette Rosas, BF, 37, 5'1", 125 lbs, theft 5x with 2 priors (Sedgwick County Sheriff, Waco Police Dept.)
amynicol.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Amy L. Reed, WF, 33, a/k/a Amy L. Gerdes, 5'4", 135 lbs, theft, mistreatment of an elderly person; Nicole M. Pulliam, WF, 25, 5'4", 200 lbs, tattoos on neck, left wrist, right ankle and chest, possession of firearm by a felon, overstay at the China Buffet; Stormy R. Stewart, WF, 53, a/k/a Stormy McPeak, Marcella Garner, 5'1", 120 lbs, possession of opiates; Wanted in Waco: Destiny Annette Rosas, BF, 37, 5'1", 125 lbs, theft 5x with 2 priors (Sedgwick County Sheriff, Waco Police Dept.)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A topless Ukrainian woman with "God is Woman" written on her tor-
so grabbed the baby Jesus from the nativity scene at the Vatican  in  a
protest by the feminist group Femen. . . . A Republican adviser called
Sarah Huckabee Sanders  a "serial,  congenital  liar"  on a CNN panel
show. . . . Hawaii Judge Rhonda Loo ordered defendant Daren Young,
who violated a domestic violence order 144 times,  to write  144  nice
things
  about  his girl friend,  without repeating any words,  to avoid a
jail sentence. . . . A  pileated  woodpecker  broke two dozen side auto-
mobile side mirrors in Snellville, Georgia, imagining a rival as he saw
his own reflection. . . .  Melania Trump ordered the Jackson magnolia
tree removed from the White House lawn. .  .  .
More than five feet of
snow fell on Erie, Pennsylvania, over Christmas. . . .  An  All  Nippon
Airways plane, four hours into a flight to Tokyo, Japan, turned around
and flew back to Los Angeles,  California,  to return a passenger  who
had boarded the wrong airliner. . . . The Minnesota Public Radio show
"Live from Here" this weekend and last were rebroadcasts of previous
Prairie Home Companion shows 
(and, by the way,  typing http://prai-
riehome.org/ into your URL line will redirect you to https://www.live-
fromhere.org/). .  .  .  Dire Straits' Walk of Life was nominated by Tab-
loid Headlines for the greatest rock 'n' roll song ever.

                                                           [courtesy LEX18, Raw Story, AP]

Things  you might not know if you did not read Harper's Index or Tab-
loid Headlines:  The ratio of white millennials who favor Republicans
to those who favor Democrats: 1:1.  .  .  .  Percentage by which opioid
prescriptions outnumber residents in Trinity County, California (that's
just north of Mendocino, folks):  44. . . .  Rank of the United States in
2014 among countries sought by refugees to reside in:  4. Rank in 20-
17:  43. . . . Percentage of births paid for by Medicaid in the U.S.:  47.
. . . Increase in the Amish population in the U.S. since 1992:  150 per
cent. . . . Estimated change in traffic to web news sites shifting to vid-
eo:  Minus 60.  .  .  .  North Korea's debt to New York City in parking
tickets: $152,505.  Egypt's:  $1,989,554. . . . The first wild bison seen
in Germany since 1755 was killed by a hunter.

                                                           [courtesy Harper's
Funny Times]
The sports:
One bettor at the Gulfstream Park horse track in Hallandale Beach, Flo-
rida, was about to ride to a $571,744 jackpot on a 20-cent "pick 6" tick-
et, which to win you have to pick six winners in a row; and to win it all,
you have to be the only one to do so.  His sixth horse,  Cryogenic,  with
odds of only 8 to 1,  was leading the pack.   He was pulling away in the
stretch when his jockey, Emisael Jaramillo, fell off (and got stepped on
by one of the trailing horses).  Cryogenic still led by a nose at the finish
line, but a horse can't win without a rider.  Rising Son, with José Batista
aboard, got the honor. Tickets with five winners still returned $1,935.52.
So:  Did the bettor lose $571,744, or only $569,808.28 ($571,744 minus
$1,935.52 minus 20 cents)?

The movies:  JanNEWary!
janewary.jpg

Dear Eleanor:

A while ago, my husband and I co-signed a car loan for my
son.  At the time he was financially stable.  But  about  2½
years into the loan,  we started getting late notices from the
car company.  The car eventually
was totaled, and there is a
balance of about $5,500 on the loan.  Now  the  company  is
looking to us for payment. Our son apparently was never on
the loan; only my husband and I are. He has ruined our cred-
it, to say the least.

About a year ago, our son placed us in charge of his daughter's
financial plan.  There is about $27,000 left in the account. I re-
cently got an e-mail from our son stating  that my granddaugh-
ter is dropping out of college  and  that he wants to transfer the
funds  to  his  younger  daughter.  He wanted me to sign
the ac-
count
over to his ex-wife. I don't want to do this. She is a spen-
der and I am afraid the children would never get the money for
their education.  I want to stay in charge.

I have called the company the plan is with; and because I am the
owner, I could withdraw the $5,500 owed to the car company.  I
would like to get this behind us.     My husband and I are retired
and just barely making ends meet, and there is no way we could
ever pay back this loan on our own and have our credit restored.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
                                                                                    Sad Parents

Dear Sad Sara:
                            OK.  You didn't "co-sign" the note with your son,  you
                            and your hubby co-signed only  with  each  other.   So,
                            where is your son's legal obligation to repay you? And
                            now you want to  collect  from  his  children?   
Where
                            does this leave you vis-a-vis the "spender"?      Maybe
                            your elder granddaughter should be consulted. Sounds
                            to me as if it's legally her money you are coveting.

                            You don't need my advice,  and you don' t need the in-
                            vestment company's;  you need advice from a lawyer

lifesasq.jpg B-Woo meets his new neighbor, Life Saver Dude: Yeah, but which one is B-Woo?
lifesasq.jpg B-Woo meets his new neighbor, Life Saver Dude: Yeah, but which one is B-Woo?


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "
tsuruta@bests.co.jp"
        titled "
Face the reality: you're good for nothing" and 4 more messages
        from "Clutterbook" "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's message
        and other notifications you've missed
."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include
Serena Scelenery.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
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"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


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December 24, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket   –   the
week's headlines
:

LBJ & Nixon killed JFK (Enquirer): Jackie K seduced the Queen's husband (Examiner); Matt husband from Hell, inside the explosive divorce papers (In Touch); Jack Hewitt, Harry's real dad banned from wedding, new scandal explodes over Diana's secret lover (Examiner); American majority supports moving Trump to Jerusalem (Borowitz Report)
LBJ & Nixon killed JFK (Enquirer): Jackie K seduced the Queen's husband (Examiner); Matt husband from Hell, inside the explosive divorce papers (In Touch); Jack Hewitt, Harry's real dad banned from wedding, new scandal explodes over Diana's secret lover (Examiner); American majority supports moving Trump to Jerusalem (Borowitz Report)


Unisex name of the week: 
Blair.


Dumb news from Indiana:
Eighteen locally raised watermelons will be dropped from
an 18-foot watermelon replica hoisted into the air 
at  mid-
night in Vincennes next Sunday to  welcome  in  2018,  at
the  annual  watermelon  drop  festival.  (No,  this  festival
does not date to the 20th century;  so  there  was no 98- or
99-watermelon drop. But, stay tuned: In a few  more years
years it may get interesting.) . . .

A former owner of Abbey Inn & Suites  in Brown County
was sued by that state's attorney general  for a  guest  who
charged $350 after she posted a negative review of the ho-
tel  on line,  complaining about dirt and hair on the sheets,
inter al. . . .

A funeral home in Muncie  was  sued  for dropping a wo-
man's body and placing the body of another woman in her
casket. . . .

Two persons who held a rally at the Courthouse,  with am-
plified sound, sued the city of Fort Wayne to nullify an or-
dinance prohibiting noise "
plainly audible to a person with
normal hearing" more than 50 feet away, saying it violated
their freedom of speech. . . .

Three people and a dog were killed  in a single-engine air-
plane crash near Oldenburg, in Franklin County.  One dog
survived.
                [courtesy Columbus Republic (see also the sports)]

wilcoxgr.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Lindsey Wilcox, WF, 5'6", 160 lbs, forgery, fail. to appear; Don Scott, WM, 5'9", 190 lbs, residential entry, motor vehicle theft, resisting arrest, possession of legend drug injection (i.e., the book); Demetrius Thomas, BM, 5'8", 195 lbs, robbery; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: John Calvin Gentry, BM, domestic violence; Leontis Moncell Roseburgh, BM, aggravated domestic violence; Michquel Ianmarie Hines, a/k/a Taylor, BF, uttering & publishing (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
wilcoxgr.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Lindsey Wilcox, WF, 5'6", 160 lbs, forgery, fail. to appear; Don Scott, WM, 5'9", 190 lbs, residential entry, motor vehicle theft, resisting arrest, possession of legend drug injection (i.e., the book); Demetrius Thomas, BM, 5'8", 195 lbs, robbery; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: John Calvin Gentry, BM, domestic violence; Leontis Moncell Roseburgh, BM, aggravated domestic violence; Michquel Ianmarie Hines, a/k/a Taylor, BF, uttering & publishing (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:
In two incidents in five days, an armed man in Louis-
ville forced a man, then a woman, to drive to an ATM
and  withdraw  money  for him.  He fled on foot after
the  man  complied  but drove off in the woman's car,
leaving her behind. . . .
cassandr.jpg Cassandra Kitchens, 29, was arrestedbraddock.jpg Brazil Braddock, 18, and two juveniles were arrested for robbery on the streets of Lexington
cassandra.jpg Cassandra Kitchens, 29, was arrested for sending nude photos of herself to a child she had supervised at the boys and girls club in Franklin;braddock.jpg Brazil Braddock, 18, and two juveniles were arrested for robbery on the streets of Lexington. . . .
A  truck  driver  pulled over for going the wrong way
on I-471 south of Cincinnati fell 40 feet from an over-
pass – and continued to run from police – and,  there's
video!

                                                          
[courtesy LEX18]
bentasli.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Bennett Rayburn, WM, 36, 6'3", 156 lbs, "featured fugitive of the week": Wanton endangerment; Taslima Abdullah, BF, 60, 5'5", 180 lbs, overstay at China Buffet; Mark Brewer, WM, 47, 6'0", 220 lbs, unrepentant; Tamara Barrett, WF, 45, 5'7", 220 lbs, overst.; Nicholas Midkiff, WM, 46, 5'11", 190 lbs, tude (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leadeer)

bentasli.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Bennett Rayburn, WM, 36, 6'3", 156 lbs, "featured fugitive of the week": Wanton endangerment; Taslima Abdullah, BF, 60, 5'5", 180 lbs, overstay at China Buffet; Mark Brewer, WM, 47, 6'0", 220 lbs, unrepentant; Tamara Barrett, WF, 45, 5'7", 220 lbs, overst.; Nicholas Midkiff, WM, 46, 5'11", 190 lbs, tude (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leadeer)
Dumb news from Indiana, Kentucky, and Washington, D.C.:
The federal "tax reform" bill will cost the University of  No-
tre Dame
,  in  Indiana,  about $9 million  a  year  and  Berea
College, in Kentucky, about a million dollars a year in taxes
on previously untaxed endowments.

Quotation of the week
:

                                          "Put me in fucking jail so I can bond out."
                                                                                                                  Malik McDowell, Seattle Seahawks
Quotation of the weak:

       
"Well, one of the things about craft beer, it's not just about beer; it's about what we provide within our
         communities, the job creation, all of those things . . . ."
                                                                                                    Lynne Weaver, of Three Weavers Brewery

Quotations repeated every week:
                                                          "Exactly."

                                                                               
   Shankar Vedantam
Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"My offer of a million dollars in cash and a real nice suitcase, for one night to
  wallow in the mire, has gone unrewarded.  There seems to be a pattern – the
  women seem to want the money up front.  Where's the love?"
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Boat Beer.


Buzz words that need a nap:  "Glad to do it."


Birthdays:
                    December 18:  Christina Aguilera, 37
                                             Katie Holmes, 39
                                            
Barkha Dutt, 46
                                            
Brad Pitt, 54
                                             Steven Spielberg, 71
                                             Keith Richards, 74
                    December 19:  Jennifer Beals, 54
                                             Janie Fricke, 70
                                            Dr. William DeVries, 74
                                             Cicely Tyson, 93
                    December 20: 
Alan Parsons, 69
                                             Fred "Bonehead" Merkle (1888-1958)
                    December 21:  Chris Evert, 63
                                             Jane Fonda, 80
                    December 22:  Diane Sawyer, 72
                                             Maurice and Robin Gibb (1949-2003, -2012)
                    December 23: 
Jorma Kaukonen, 77
                                            
Paul Hornung, 82
                    December 24: 
Mary Barra, 56
                                            
Hamid Karzai, 60
                                             Jeff Sessions, 71
                                            
Mary Higgins Clark, 90
Deaths:
                Keely Smith, 89
                Dick Enberg, 82
                Richard Lee Bennett Bennett, 84
               
Dr. Michel Francois Joseph Yung-Cheong Chang-Wai-Ling, 73
               
Mary Lois Hilton Humphrey Loyall, 93
                  edpreher.jpg
                Edward Preher, 74
               
Louis C. "Louie" Spivey, 77
                Charlie Wimp, 83
               
Ra'Tonya Machelle Willis-Friedman, 42
                                                                                      [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A little girl playing a sheep and a girl playing Mary fought over the baby Je-
sus
in a manger play in White Pine,  Tennessee  (there's video!). . . . An Ala-
bama couple had sextuplets
Tag, Layke and Blu,  boys,  and Rivers,  Rawl-
ings and Rayne,  girls. . . . A woman was arrested for child abuse in Pierson,
Florida,  by deputy sheriffs who found three dead dogs in her freezer. . . .  A
couple were arrested in Claremore, Oklahoma, for posting a picture on Slap-
crap Snapchat of their daughter hanging from a door handle in a laundry bag.
. . .  "Me, too" street artists have been putting  #SheKnew  posters  of  Meryl
Streep around Los Angeles, California. .  .  . Sewage exploded from a  drink-
ing  fountain  at the Environmental Protection agency office  in  Washington,
D.C. . . . Bexar County, Texas,  Sheriff's  deputies  chasing a woman wanted
for felonies shot and killed her  as she was breaking into a mobile home in a
trailer park in Schertz, Texas, killing also a 6-year-old boy living in the trail-
er. . . . Apple Inc. was sued in Los Angeles and Chicago for issuing software
"updates" slowing down I-Phones to get customers to  buy  new  ones. . . . A
man was arrested in Okmulgee,  Oklahoma,  for  beating  his girl friend's  5-
year-old son for opening a Christmas present early.
                                                                                       [courtesy LEX18, AP]

tabpearl.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas: Tabitha Marie South, WF, 33, 5'5", 135 lbs, possession of controlled substances and stoeln propery; Dmitry Yevgenevich, WM, 23, 5'8", 150 lbs, possession of stolen property; Pearl M. Steart-Erxleben, WF, 50, 5'4", 150 lbs, stalking (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
tabpearl.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas: Tabitha Marie South, WF, 33, 5'5", 135 lbs, possession of controlled substances and stoeln propery; Dmitry Yevgenevich, WM, 23, 5'8", 150 lbs, possession of stolen property; Pearl M. Steart-Erxleben, WF, 50, 5'4", 150 lbs, stalking (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
The sports:
Griffith High School fans, including juveniles, sitting behind
visiting Hammond High School coaches  at a freshman game
in northern Indiana,  got into a brawl with the coaches on the
basketball floor with 6.3 seconds left in the game.    Referees
called the game and sent all players and coaches to the locker
rooms.  It was not reported  who  won  the game  (or what the
score was when the game was called).  The same two schools
were involved in another on-court brawl at a game in 2015.

The movies:  Joy to the World
joyworld.jpg
Dear Eleanor:
At a friend's wedding I introduced myself to the groom's fa-
ther.  Because I was carrying something in my right hand,  I
extended my left hand.  I'm no dead fish type,  but  his  "lob-
ster  grip"  was so tight  it crushed my ring  into  my  finger,
leaving  a  bruise.  I made no comment at the time,  but now
I'm seething. What might I have said, or should say in a sim-
ilar encounter?
                                                               Sore in Silicon Valley
Dear Sorefinger:
                                How 'bout, "Ow!  Loosen up!"?

lifecoon.jpg Life Saver Dude: It's Dasher the Prancing Reincoon, I prresume?
lifecoon.jpg Life Saver Dude: It's Dasher the Prancing Reincoon, I prresume?

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Mohammad Ali via Twoo"
        <noreply@twoomail.com> titled "Mohammad Ali left a message for you"
       
and another message from "Clutterbook" "Facebook" titled "See Stephen
        Yates's message and other notifications you've missed
."

People who invited us to be their "friends" on Clutterbook Facebook in the last week included
        Abhie Rain, KurniawanAdi, Rachma Evan, Jesus Arturo Baarajas Lopez, Jose Queervo,
        Bhishma Heri Widyantoro, Daniel Martinez, Lucas Goularte and Erza Bagas.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Selena Scelenery. 


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above,  without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant  "Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

   270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



December 17, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket   –   the
week's headlines
:

Patrick Swayze widow sells his Dirty Dancing Shoes (Globe); The 50 most annoying people of 2017, Whiners, losers and lamebrains, Bill O'Reilly, Hillary Clinton, George Clooney, Kim Kardashian, the Wheat (Globe); Trump dismisses accusers as women (Onion)
Patrick Swayze widow sells his Dirty Dancing Shoes (Globe); The 50 most annoying people of 2017, Whiners, losers and lamebrains, Bill O'Reilly, Hillary Clinton, George Clooney, Kim Kardashian, the Wheat (Globe); Trump dismisses accusers as women (Onion)

Unisex name of the week:  Timothy.


Dumb news from Indiana:
The town marshal of Bunker Hill,  hired  to replace the mar-
shal  who resigned a year ago  saying  the  town council had
asked him to do "illegal, unethical and immoral" things, was
fired for "conduct unbecoming a police officer." . . .

   The  town  clerk  of  Bunker
    Hill, Lisa Wilson, was arres-
    ted for embezzling over $32,-
    000.

      [courtesy Kokomo Tribune]

    bunclerk.jpg

codybent.jpg Terre Haute's most wanted: Cody Archer, WM, 25, 5'10", 195 lbs, brown hair. green eyes, burglary; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Brent Alan Fergison, WM, uttering & publishing and larceny in a building (Wabash and Michiana Crime Stoppers)
codybent.jpg Terre Haute's most wanted: Cody Archer, WM, 25, 5'10", 195 lbs, brown hair. green eyes, burglary; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Brent Alan Fergison, WM, uttering & publishing and larceny in a building (Wabash and Michiana Crime Stoppers)

The results are in!  Readers voted 37 to 20 that Bob is dumber  than  Sheri.  (Interestingly,
    all 37 votes for Bob as the dumber of the two came from  men;  all  20  votes  for  Sheri
    came from women.)


Dumb news from Kentucky:
                haylegar.jpg
                                              Hayley Gardner and a
                                              younger girl were charged
                                              with kidnapping for
                                              hijacking a taxicab in
                                              Lexington
haylegar.jpg Hayley Gardner and a younger girl were charged with kidnapping for hijacking a taxicab in Lexington
Mason County High School was placed on lockdown on
account of a student's threat on "social media." . . .

A middle school pupil in Marion County  posted a photo
of himself with a gun on Instantspam Instagram with the
message "Gonna shoot up the school."
                                                               [courtesy LEX18]
saravero.jpg Covington's most wanted: Sara L. Snyder, WF, 23, 5'3", 160 lbs, felony forgery, felony drugs; Veronica Howard, WF, 41, 5'8", 140 lbs, felony escape; Tamara Left, BF, 37, 5'6", 163 lbs, felony theft, felony forgery; Kimberly Khamisi, BF, 55, 5'4", 145 lbs, tampering with records (Covington Police Dept.); Joanne Lynn Hogan, WF, 45, tats on back, neck & right hip, escape fr. work release (Newton County Sheriff)
saravero.jpg Covington's most wanted: Sara L. Snyder, WF, 23, 5'3", 160 lbs, felony forgery, felony drugs; Veronica Howard, WF, 41, 5'8", 140 lbs, felony escape; Tamara Left, BF, 37, 5'6", 163 lbs, felony theft, felony forgery; Kimberly Khamisi, BF, 55, 5'4", 145 lbs, tampering with records (Covington Police Dept.); Joanne Lynn Hogan, WF, 45, tats on back, neck & right hip, escape fr. work release (Newton County Sheriff)
dyvontae.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Dyvontae Davis, BM, 21, 5'11", 142 lbs, mobery; Manslaughter: Christy Torres, WF, 22, "featured fugitive of week"; Roxie Cedeno, BF, 58, 5'2", 173 lbs, mobery; Oddessey Howard, BF, 25, 5'6', morbid curiosity (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
  dianater.jpg Diana Bishop, BF, 34, 5'9", 213 lbs, overstay at the China Buffet; Terry Minnifield, BM, 30, 5'8", 165 lbs, asleep at the wheel
dyvontae.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Dyvontae Davis, BM, 21, 5'11", 142 lbs, mobery; Manslaughter: Christy Torres, WF, 22, "featured fugitive of week"; Roxie Cedeno, BF, 58, 5'2", 173 lbs, mobery; Oddessey Howard, BF, 25, 5'6', morbid curiosity; dianater.jpg Diana Bishop, BF, 34, 5'9", 213 lbs, overstay at the China Buffet; Terry Minnifield, BM, 30, 5'8", 165 lbs, asleep at the wheel (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Quotation of the week
:

                                         "Well, one of our attorneys is a Jew."
                                                                                                          Kayla (Mrs. Roy) Moore

Quotation of the weak
:

                                        "Every adjective you can use, from hopelessness to
                                         despair . . .."
                                                                 – Joe Atkinson, professor of communica-
                                                                    tions, University of Evansville, Indiana
                                        
Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"Seven shoplifting days left until Christmas, and 15 left to get
  laid until the New Year – my biological clock is ticking."
– Leonard Simon

Buzz words that need a nap:  "Always a pleasure."


Horse shit of the year:  A study found that pigeons "multitask" more
                        efficiently than humans. The Loh Down on Science


Funny beer brands:  HOP STOOPID Ale.


Geographical trivia from Kentucky:
lifenoch.jpg Life Saver Dude: Amen, Brother! Be there Sunday morning! Northside Church of Christ Sunday bible classes 11:00 am, morning worship 10:30 am, Evening worship ----, Wednesday bible classes 7:00 pm, 270-282-3706, Welcome all! Larry Woods, minister

norchrch.jpg  The Northside Church of Christ is
 one  of two "colored country chur-
 ches" within less than half  a  mile
 of each other in Boiling Spring, on
 Kentucky Highway 743,  in  north-
 ern Warren County,  a  mile  south
  of the Edmonson County line (but
 the  congregants,  though  predom-
 inantly  African  - American,   will
 tell  you  that  their  mission  is  to
 minister  to  all  nationalities,   not
 just blacks).

 Until  about four years ago  it  was
 a convenience store, developed by
 M. O. "Johnny" Wingfield,  name-
 sake of the namesake of the Wing-
field community, in Edmonson County,  just up the road from Boiling Spring, for whom the  Editor of
Tabloid Headlines,  wearing his lawyer hat,  got the property rezoned for commercial use  about  1983
(Johnny lived in Boiling Spring, not in Wingfield). Worshipers come from as far as Smiths Grove, sev-
en miles to the east, and Bowling Green, ten miles to the south – neither by a straight road.

[Tabloid Headlines photos]
lifenoch.jpg Life Saver Dude: Amen, Brother! Be there Sunday morning! Northside Church of Christ Sunday bible classes 11:00 am, morning worship 10:30 am, Evening worship ----, Wednesday bible classes 7:00 pm, 270-282-3706, Welcome all! Larry Woods, minister
Birthdays:
                   December 11:  Brenda Lee, 73
                                           David Gates, 77
                                           Rosa Dolores Alverio ("Rita Moreno"), 86
 
                  December 12:  Tracy Austin, 55
                                          
Dionne "Warwick" Warrick, 77
                                           Concetta Franconera ("Connie Francis"), 79
                                           Bob Barker, 94
                                           Basil of Ostrog (1610-1671)
                                           Albert VI of Austria (1418-1463)
                                           Albert II of Austria (1298-1358)
                   December 13:  Taylor Swift, 28
                                           Carl Erskine, 91
                                           Dick Van Dyke, 92
                   December 14: 
Abigail Lassman ("Abbe Lane"), 85
                                           
Patty Duke (1946-2016)
                  
December 15:  Dave Clark, 75
                                           Nick Buoniconti, 77
                                           Cindy Birdsong, 78
                                           Tim Conway, 84
                                           A. P. Carter (1891-1960)
                   December 16:  Leslie Stahl, 76
                                           Liv Ullmann, 79
                                          
Melvin "Turk" Murphy (1911-1987)
                   December 17:  Pope Jorge, 81
                                           Paul Butterfield (1942-1987)

Deaths:
                Eleanor Roosevelt, 133
                Kally Marie Peters Mitchell Day, 43
                Mabel Louise Collins Snider Harned, 79
                James Janes, 91
                Diane Ishmael Fields Morrison, 76
                Mary Lamar Strench Smith, 92
                Raynold Vincent, 76
                Millie Mae Miller Withers, 90
                                                                     [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Tavis SmileyDustin Hoffman, and a Democrat woman running for senator
in Kansas  joined the "Me, too" game (on the "You, too?" side). . . . And, in
the  demise of Garrison Keillor as a member of the  "You,  too?"  team,  the
radio show Prairie Home Companion was renamed "Live from Here."  .  .  .
It's "streamed" on line (so why don't the dumb, mother, fucking, sons, of, bit-
ches, just put it on TV?). . . . A White Plains, New York, woman sued a sur-
geon she said took a language test on  his  cell  phone  while he operated on
her. . . .The federal Center for Disease Control was prohibited by the Trump
administration from using  seven  words  and phrases in its budget proposal:
transgender, 
diversity,  entitlement,  vulnerable,  fetus,  evidence-based and
science-based.  In  lieu  of  "evidence-based" and "science-based," it was of-
fered  the alternative phrase  "
CDC bases its recommendations on science in
consideration with community standards and wishes." Kevin Drum suggest-
ed these alternate words and phrases in a column in Mother Jones magazine:
"Welfare"  for "entitlement,"  "unborn  child"  for  "fetus,"  "elitist" for "evi-
dencebased,"   "atheist"  for  "science-based,"   "anti-white"  for  "diversity,"
"snowflake" for "vulnerable,"   and "deviant" for "transgender."

                                                                                         [courtesy LEX18, AP]

johnross.jpg Wanted in Tom Green County, Texas: John Ross McKee, WM, 32, 5'7", 150 lbs, blue eyes, blonde or strawberry hair, theft, evading arrest (courtesy the Sheriff); Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Elizabeth Santana, HF, 47, 5'1", 145 lbs, black hair, brown eyes, possession of meth in a drug free zone; Caleb Nolan Tuck, WM, 25, 6'3", 220 lbs, brown hair & eyes, possession of heroin (in a dfz) (Abilene Crime Stoppers); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Gretchen Diane Macy, WF, 61, 5'4", 91 lbs, b [sic] hair, hazel eyes, theft, probation violation; Jimmy M. Ponds, BM, 6', 165 lbs, black hair, brown eyes, aggravated burglary and possession of certain stiumulants (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
johnross.jpg Wanted in Tom Green County, Texas: John Ross McKee, WM, 32, 5'7", 150 lbs, blue eyes, blonde or strawberry hair, theft, evading arrest (courtesy the Sheriff); Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Elizabeth Santana, HF, 47, 5'1", 145 lbs, black hair, brown eyes, possession of meth in a drug free zone; Caleb Nolan Tuck, WM, 25, 6'3", 220 lbs, brown hair & eyes, possession of heroin (in a dfz) (Abilene Crime Stoppers); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Gretchen Diane Macy, WF, 61, 5'4", 91 lbs, b [sic] hair, hazel eyes, theft, probation violation; Jimmy M. Ponds, BM, 6', 165 lbs, black hair, brown eyes, aggravated burglary and possession of certain stiumulants (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
Dear Eleanor:
My 13-year-old daughter has been invited to a classmate's
birthday party.   The birthday girl's mom plans to drop the
girls off at the mall – six of them – for four hours,  during
which they'll wander around with money, cell phones and
credit cards and a plan to get food at some point.

I am not comfortable with this plan. I called the mom and
asked why she isn't going with them.  She  explained  that
her daughter doesn’t want her there.  I  suggested  that the
two of us go with the girls and then,  perhaps,  let them go
off on their own for short periods,  and meet up with them
from time to time.   But,  no.   She wanted her daughter to
feel "independent," and to give her her "space."

Aside from safety, I dont like the idea of going to the mall
just to hang out.   No good comes from that.   My daughter
always comes home wanting a bunch of  stuff  she  doesn't
need.   When she buys clothes or other junk impulsively,  it
always ends up in the trash or on the charity pile later.  We-
're on a tight budget, and this isn't in it.  I  don't  mind  get-
ting her friend a birthday gift, but this is more complicated.

If it were  someone  else,  we'd just skip it.  But this is her
closest  friend.  It would be devastating for both of them if
my  daughter  didn't  go.  But I don't want her to go under
these circumstances.

                          Between a Rock and a Hard Place in Ohio
OK, Rocky, here's what you do:
You rent a suite in the local hotel.  You invite all the boys
in the local "Halfway House" there  for the birthday party.
You remind them that if they  misbehave,  they  could   go
back to jail.

Then send the girls to the hotel.  It's much cleaner and sa-
fer, don't you think?

Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "hongy@zjzs.net"
        titled "The brand new in-thing," from "central_labs@epri.sci.eg"
        titled "The new craze,"
and two more messages from "Clutterbook"
        "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's message and other notifi-
        cations you've missed."



laurasan.jpg
People who invited us to be their "friends" on Clutterbook Facebook
in the last week  included  Renee O'Daniel Butler,  Alyssa Schwartz,
Lularoe  Liz  Fuhrman  Bragg,  Misty  Brown,  Abdul  Rahmansyah,
Sebastian Martinez Cardoso,  Nur  Hayati,  Fatimah  Ima  Mamanya
Yumna,  Laura Sánchez Navarro,  and Mubashir Rajput.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Serena
Scenenery.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above,  without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant  "Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

   270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



December 10, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket   –   the
week's headlines
:

Steve Harvey beat his wife (Globe); Drastic weight loss killing Aretha (Globe); Trump's lawyer says he is the voice on 'Access Hollywood' tape (Borowitz); Scribbles by McConnell's grandchild accidentally incorporated in tax bill (Borowitz); Kim Jong Un fears tax bill makes him redundant (Borowitz)
Steve Harvey beat his wife (Globe); Drastic weight loss killing Aretha (Globe); Trump's lawyer says he is the voice on 'Access Hollywood' tape (Borowitz); Scribbles by McConnell's grandchild accidentally incorporated in tax bill (Borowitz); Kim Jong Un fears tax bill makes him redundant (Borowitz)

Dumb news from Indiana:
                   tractorb.jpg A John Deere tractor pulling a disc ripper wider than the bridge it was crossing destroyed the bridge in Boone County (Indianapolis Star)
tractorb.jpg A John Deere tractor pulling a disc ripper wider than the bridge it was crossing destroyed the bridge in Boone County (Indianapolis Star)
A letter from 340 students, employees and alumni of the U-
niversity of Notre Dame called for removal of 12 murals of
Christopher  Columbus  that  have  hung in a building since
1884.
                                               [courtesy South Bend Tribune]

The  state  Board of Education  imposed  new  high  school
graduation requirements including showing "
employability"
through service or work projects  or  showing  readiness for
college by getting high scores  on  pre-college  exams  such
as the Scholastic Assessment Test (SAT). . . .

A 37-acre tract of land St. Joseph County offered a farmer
$340,000 for was valued at $1,400,000 by court-appointed
appraisers.
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]
devandre.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Danielle Cornell, WF, 26, FBI warrant from Birmingham, Ala., for heroin possession; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Devin Quinton Perry, BM, assault by strangulation, malicious destruction of property; Tiffany Leila Johnston, WF, uttering and publishing, larceny in a building; Avondre Deotis-James Young, BM, assault with intent to rob while armed (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
devandre.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Danielle Cornell, WF, 26, FBI warrant from Birmingham, Ala., for heroin possession; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Devin Quinton Perry, BM, assault by strangulation, malicious destruction of property; Tiffany Leila Johnston, WF, uttering and publishing, larceny in a building; Avondre Deotis-James Young, BM, assault with intent to rob while armed (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
A Tabloid Headlines poll (please vote early, and often):
Of the morning dumb DJ duo, which do you think is
dumber – Bob, or Sheri?

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Three school buses headed for three different schools  crash-
ed in Louisville, sending 41 students to hospitals, as one bus
rear-ended the second of two stopped at a light  and  the sec-
ond then rear-ended the first.
                                                [courtesy the Courier-Journal]

A 3-year-old Louisville boy accidentally shot himself and
then was involved in a multiple-vehicle crash as his father
was rushing him to a hospital (he was expected to live). . . .

A former employee of Big Ass Fans in Lexington sued the
company for wrongful termination. . . .

A family found a pile of seven  dead  deer  on their farm in
Scott County, from which only the backstraps (a choice cut
of meat) were harvested.
                                                                  [courtesy LEX18]
dennbobo.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Dennis Boden, WM, 43, 5'9", 190 lbs, combative; Chelsea Bobo, 23, 4'10", 130 lbs, featured fugitive of the week, second degree burglary; Zachary Jones, WM, 25, 6'1", 115 lbs, skinny; Whitney Oakley, WF, 22, 5'2", 140 lbs, lied about her age, lied about her weight; Jameson Walls, WM, 28, 5'7", 130 lbs, closet wimp (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
dennbobo.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Dennis Boden, WM, 43, 5'9", 190 lbs, combative; Chelsea Bobo, 23, 4'10", 130 lbs, featured fugitive of the week, second degree burglary; Zachary Jones, WM, 25, 6'1", 115 lbs, skinny; Whitney Oakley, WF, 22, 5'2", 140 lbs, lied about her age, lied about her weight; Jameson Walls, WM, 28, 5'7", 130 lbs, closet wimp (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
Quotations of the week:
                                            "Nebraska is proof that Hell is full and the dead walk the earth."
                                                                                                                                                        – Liz Winston
        "Sometimes it feels like you're the only ones who understand me."
                                                                                                                    – Donald Trump to White House cock-
                                                                                                                       roaches  (according to the Onion)
Quotation of the weak:
                                          
"Look, I'm a heterosexual.  I have a wife, I love my wife. . . ."

                                                                                                        
Pennsylvania State Rep. Daryl Metcalfe
Quotations repeated every week:

        "That's exactly right. . . .  That's exactly what these researchers are finding."

                                                                                                                                      –   Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"You've just got to grab that crack pipe by the horns and throw it away.
 Every once in a while."
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Mayflower Porter.


Buzz words that need a nap:  "Pleasure to be here."


Unisex name of the week:  Sydney.


Birthdays (sorry, Ms. Jared, no "the"s this week) :

                    December 4:  Marisa Tomei, 53
                                           Chris Hillman, 73
                                           Gary Gilmore (1940-1977)
                    December 5:  Jim Plunkett, 70
                                           "Little" Richard Wayne Penniman
, 85
                    December 6:  Elian Gonzalez, 24
                                           Richard Speck (1941-1991)
                    December 7:  Vàclav Chalupa, 50
                                           Susan Collins, 65
                                           Johnny Bench, 70
                                           Noam Chomsky, 89
                                           Harry Chapin (1942-1981)
                    December 8:  Nicki Minaj, 35
                                           Sinead O'Connor, 51
                                           Ann Coulter, 56
                                           Gregg Allman (1947-2017)
                                           Jim Morrison (1943-1971)
                                           Mario Savio (1942-1996)
                    December 9:  World B. Free, 64
                                           Dick Butkus, 75
                                           Kirk Douglas, 101

                    December 10:  Diane Schuur, 64
                                            
Ralph Tavares, 75
                                             Mary Kaumeyer ("Dorothy Lamour," 1914-1996)

Deaths:
                John Anderson, 95
                Clessie Mae Coyle, 91
               
Robvieon D'Sean "Robbie" Evans, 17
                Sharee Terry Philpott, 30
                Estelle E. Burton Yarberry Stewart, 97
                                                                                        [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Since the Harvey Weinstein scandal broke, a daybed was removed from
Erika Rothenberg's marble mosaic  "The Road to Hollywood" in a mall
next door to the Academy Awards theater, apparently viewed as a "cas-
ting couch" by someone. . . .  Time magazine's "Man of the Year" is all
the women who have brought heat on the likes of Roy Moore  Al Fran-
ken,  Garrison  Keillor  and  John  Hockenberry.   Called  "The  Silence
Breakers," five of them will appear on the cover of the December 18 is-
sue.  Donald Trump came in second. . . . Ashley  Judd,  one of the "Me,
too" Man of the Year for her report on Harvey Weinstein, said she was
felt   up  by  Charlie Rose,  too. . . . The editor of the National Enquirer
was accused of sexual misconduct  by  employees.  .  .  .  Pennsylvania
State Rep. Daryl Metcalfe virtually accused Rep. Matthew Bradford of
being gay when Bradford touched his arm in a committee meeting (see
video!).
.
. . Snow fell in Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana.

                                                                              [courtesy LEX18, AP]

stacyjos.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Stacy Ann Brackeen, 27, blonde hair, blue eyes, 125 lbs, 5'3", bond revocaion, possession of controlled substance; Joseph Bernstein, 35, brown hair, blue eyes, 120 lbs, 5'11", bond revocation, manufacture/delivery of controlled substance
melilora.jpg Melissa Gonzalez, 39, black hair, brown eyes, 160 lbs, 4'11", surety off bond, possession of controlled substance in drug free zone, Texoma's Most wanted fugitives of the week; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Lora Leeann Eaton, WF, 23, 5'0", 110 lbs, brown hair, blue eyes, hindering apprehension of a felon

                                                   [courtesy Wichita Falls and Abilene Crime Stoppers]
stacyjos.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Stacy Ann Brackeen, 27, blonde hair, blue eyes, 125 lbs, 5'3", bond revocaion, possession of controlled substance; Joseph Bernstein, 35, brown hair, blue eyes, 120 lbs, 5'11", bond revocation, manufacture/delivery of controlled substance; melilora.jpg Melissa Gonzalez, 39, black hair, brown eyes, 160 lbs, 4'11", surety off bond, possession of controlled substance in drug free zone, Texoma's Most wanted fugitives of the week; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Lora Leeann Eaton, WF, 23, 5'0", 110 lbs, brown hair, blue eyes, hindering apprehension of a felon

tilapril.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Tesas): Atilla Hughes, WM, 150 lbs, black hair, green eyes, mushroom tattoo on right arm, unknown tattoo on left finger, aggravated battery; April Paulina Reed a/k/a April Paulina Cubbage, WM[sic], 33, 5'1", 180 lbs, brown hair, hazel eyes, tattoos "Daddy Girl" on left wrist, flowers on left arm, cards on right breast, possession of certain stimulant; De'Andre Marquce Dilworth, BM, 27, 5'8", 230 lbs, black hair, brown eyes, tattoos "KC913" on left neck, "Tycoon" and "1990" on left hand, "Kansas" and "Est" on right hand, "Loyalty" on left arm, "Respect" on right forearm, caution: gang member, Hallucinogenic distribution (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
tilapril.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Tesas): Atilla Hughes, WM, 150 lbs, black hair, green eyes, mushroom tattoo on right arm, unknown tattoo on left finger, aggravated battery; April Paulina Reed a/k/a April Paulina Cubbage, WM[sic], 33, 5'1", 180 lbs, brown hair, hazel eyes, tattoos "Daddy Girl" on left wrist, flowers on left arm, cards on right breast, possession of certain stimulant; De'Andre Marquce Dilworth, BM, 27, 5'8", 230 lbs, black hair, brown eyes, tattoos "KC913" on left neck, "Tycoon" and "1990" on left hand, "Kansas" and "Est" on right hand, "Loyalty" on left arm, "Respect" on right forearm, caution: gang member, Hallucinogenic distribution (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
The sports:
Beyondsay,  a surprise presenter  brought out by master of ceremonies
Trevor Noah, presented Sports Illustrated's Muhammad Ali Legacy A-
ward to Colin Kaepernick. . . .

colinder.jpg It's easy for Derek Jeter to blame his mom for being ugly, buy whom can Colin Kaepernick blame? (Or is it just his haircut, or lack thereof? Derek, Sanderson Charles Jeter, Dorothy Connors Jeter, James Lofton, Heidi Russo, adopted by Teresa & Rick Kaepernick
colinder.jpg It's easy for Derek Jeter to blame his mom for being ugly, buy whom can Colin Kaepernick blame? (Or is it just his haircut, or lack thereof? Derek, Sanderson Charles Jeter, Dorothy Connors Jeter, James Lofton, Heidi Russo, adopted by Teresa & Rick Kaepernick

Dear Eleanor:
I'm a teen-age girl who has always heard and seen on TV and
in movies that there's pressure from guys  to  have  sex.  That
may be true,  but I feel there is also pressure  from  society.  I
don't want to have sex yet, but I still feel like I have to. If you
know how I can stop feeling like this, please let me know                                                                     

                                                                  Feeling the Pressure

Dear Pressilla:
                             If you're feeling as much pressure from society as
                             you are from the boys,  you're watching too much
                             TV,  and too many movies.   Or  the wrong shows.
                             Try  sports  and Antiques Road Show on TV,  and
                             horror flicks at the movies.   And  try  out  for  the
                             girls' soccer team.


Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "sara@grandeescolha.com"
        titled "New email here, sorry, it's me"
and nine more messages from "Clutterbook"
        "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's message and other notifications you've
        missed."


People who invited us to be their "friends" on Clutterbook Facebook in the last week
        included
Radiva Mahardika.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
JoJo Siwa.

lifegopp.jpg Life Saver Dude: It's God's Own Party! "Before we discuss raising taxes on the poor & middle class adding $1 trillion to the deficit, taking health insurance away from 13 million, raising premiums by 10%, defending treason and swearing in a pedophile, let's begin with a prayer"
lifegopp.jpg Life Saver Dude: It's God's Own Party! "Before we discuss raising taxes on the poor & middle class adding $1 trillion to the deficit, taking health insurance away from 13 million, raising premiums by 10%, defending treason and swearing in a pedophile, let's begin with a prayer"

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above,  without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant  "Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


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Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

   270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



December 3, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the tab-
loids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket  –  the week's
headlines
:

Exposed! Capitol Hill of Horrors, gropers, cheaters, losers, Trump's secret probe nails perv pols, brass and bureaucrats (Enquirer); Charles hires voodoo priestess, curse of Diana destroying royals, Queen's heart failure, Charles' dementia, Camilla's liver cancer (Globe); It's why they got engaged, Meghan PREGNANT! (In Touch); Jack Ruby shot Oswald to hide JFK murder plot! (Enquirer)
Exposed! Capitol Hill of Horrors, gropers, cheaters, losers, Trump's secret probe nails perv pols, brass and bureaucrats (Enquirer); Charles hires voodoo priestess, curse of Diana destroying royals, Queen's heart failure, Charles' dementia, Camilla's liver cancer (Globe); It's why they got engaged, Meghan PREGNANT! (In Touch); Jack Ruby shot Oswald to hide JFK murder plot! (Enquirer)

MAN of the YEAR (a Tabloid Headlines editorial):
As you may know by the news, Donald Trump has nominated
himself for Time magazine's Man of the Year for  an  unprece-
dented two years in a row,  and  Time  has denied  that anyone
has  been  chosen.  But the Editors of  Tabloid  Headlines  are
concerned  that Mr. Trump just may be the nominee,  the  way
he gets his  way;  and we are encouraging alternative nomina-
tions now just to give Time some things to think about.   Gary
Logsdon,  an attorney in Brownsville, Ky.,  has already nomi-
nated Steve Bannon;  and our columnist Wheatley  has  nomi-
nated Roy Moore.   We,  the  editors,  hereby nominate Sarah
Huckabee Sanders for man of the year.  Send in your choices,
please – not to us, but directly to Time! Time is of the essence;
Wednesday is publication day.

Unisex name of the week:  Claude.


Dumb news from Indiana:
Indiana University's student Intrafraternity Council prohibi-
ted social events at fraternities until spring. . . .

Police in Anderson chased a car a woman had reported sto-
len  –  and nabbed the woman's 8-year-old daughter behind
the wheel.
                                               [courtesy Columbus Republic]
gregtomi.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Gregory Davis Jr., BM, 5'7", 140 lbs, robbery; Tomika McLeod, BF, 5'9", 170 lbs, cocaine; Tracy Glassburn, WM, 6'0", 160 lbs, legend drug inject.; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Nathaniel Lee Carter Sr., BM, domestic violence x3 (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
gregtomi.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Gregory Davis Jr., BM, 5'7", 140 lbs, robbery; Tomika McLeod, BF, 5'9", 170 lbs, cocaine; Tracy Glassburn, WM, 6'0", 160 lbs, legend drug inject.; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Nathaniel Lee Carter Sr., BM, domestic violence x3 (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Senator Rand Paul said the neighbor who attacked him in
his yard told him why he was upset – but Paul refused to
say what it was.
                                 [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A 29-year-old man arrested for an assault in Berea said be-
ing in
jail is "the closest I've ever been to a vacation." . . .
lifecrys.jpg Crystal Neeley, one of seven bused in meth ring in Laurel County; Life Saver Dude: Aptly named, my dear . . .
lifecrys.jpg Crystal Neeley, one of seven bused in meth ring in Laurel County; Life Saver Dude: Aptly named, my dear
A "social media" threat to "MCHS" resulted in the closing
of Maranahock Community High School  (and the Middle
School)  in  Readfield,  Maine,  but it was directed against
Madison Central High School in Richmond, Kentucky. . . .

A mother in Powell County complained that her children
were being bullied for not attending a  "voluntary  nonde-
nominational"  prayer group  at their school. . . .

Removal from the state capitol of a plaque honoring Jeffer-
son Davis  has  been  delayed  while a lawyer for Governor
Selfie decides whether the board  that  ordered  it  removed
had the authority to do so.
                                                                 
[courtesy LEX18]
alexuste.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Alexus White, BF, 23, 5', 118 lbs, burlgar wannabe; Teddie Prater, WM, 31, 5'10", 150 lbs, wannabe in Alexus; Taylor Lucuas, BF, 23, 5'6", 150 lbs, wannabe a boy; brian Crute, BM, 37, 6'0", 205 lbs, wannaa replace Mugabe; Angela Riley, WF, 37, 5'6", 170 lbs, wanna go back to China Buffet (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)  alcornja.jpg Pamela Clark, last week's "featured fugitive of the week," turns out to be BF, 50, 5'3" and 144 lbs (she was in again this week), . . . and this guy, unidentified last week, turns out to be James Alcorn, WM, 42, 6'2", 160 lbs, charge still unreported: Let's just say he's wanted for being Amish in an un-Amish world (the other unidentified perps pictured last week remain totally unidentified)
alexuste.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Alexus White, BF, 23, 5', 118 lbs, burlgar wannabe; Teddie Prater, WM, 31, 5'10", 150 lbs, wannabe in Alexus; Taylor Lucuas, BF, 23, 5'6", 150 lbs, wannabe a boy; brian Crute, BM, 37, 6'0", 205 lbs, wannaa replace Mugabe; Angela Riley, WF, 37, 5'6", 170 lbs, wanna go back to China Buffet (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
alcornja.jpg Pamela Clark, last week's "featured fugitive of the week," turns out to be BF, 50, 5'3" and 144 lbs (she was in again this week), . . . and this guy, unidentified last week, turns out to be James Alcorn, WM, 42, 6'2", 160 lbs, charge still unreported: Let's just say he's wanted for being Amish in an un-Amish world (the other unidentified perps pictured last week remain totally unidentified)

Quotations of the week:
                                            "There are two sides to this coin.   We have to own up to the fact  that  women,
        from time immemorial, have gone out of their way to make themselves attractive.  And unfortunately
        it has backfired on us – and this is where we are today.   We must sometimes take  blame,  women.  I
        really do think that.  Although it's awful to say we can't make ourselves look as attractive as possible
        without being knocked down  and  raped.   Should women be prepared for this?   No,  they  shouldn't
        have to be.  There's no excuse for that.  And I think it will top now – it  will  have  to.  I think a lot of
        men must be very worried at this point."
                                                                              Angela Lansbury

        "The English can
pray in the privacy of their hearts (or in public if they dare) for the Lord to bless Prince
          George with a love, when he grows up, of a fine young gentleman."
                                                                                                                       
The Very Rev. Kelvin Holdsworth            
Quotation of the weak:

       
"If you think about food as one of the chief life-sustaining force in the world, we have to ask ourselves,
         'What is it worth to have quality food?' "
                                                                           Sherilyn Ortman, of Berrybrook Organics in South Dakota

Quotations repeated every week
:
                                                         "Precisely. . . .  That's exactly right."

                                                                                                                        –
  
Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"I read  'Dear Eleanor's' column last week,  and I'd just like to say,  I don't
  'want to do right.'  I  don't  'wholeheartedly support'  the 'awakening con-
  sciousness' of women.  I just want to get into their pants."
– Leonard Simon


Funny beer brands:  Smuttynose Baltic Porter.


Buzz words that need a nap:  "My pleasure."


Media slogans that need a nap:  "independent, fact-based journalism"

                                                              – WKYU-FM public radio, Bowling Green, Ky.

Birthdays:
                    November 27:  Caroline Kennedy-Schlossberg, 60
                                             Bill Nye, 62
                                             Jimi Hendrix (1942-1970)
                    November 28:  John Stewart, 55
                                             Berry Gordy, 88
                    November 29:  Chuck Mangione, 77
                                             Vin Scully, 90
                                             Louis the Stern (1229-1294)
                    November 30:  Bo Jackson, 55
                                             Paul Stookey, 80
                                             Ferdinand the Righteous ("the Just," "the Honest," 1380-1416)
                    December 1:  Bette Midler, 72
                                           Dianne Lennon, 78
                                           Allan Konigsberg ("Woody Allen"), 82
                    December 2:  Britney Spears, 36
                                           Monica Seles, 44
                                           Lucy Liu, 49
                                           Cathy Lee Crosby, 73
                                           Yael Dayan, 78
 
                  December 3:  Jean-Luc Godard, 87
                                           conrlyle.jpg Joseph Conrad (1857-1924), Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
                                           Charles the Beloved (1368-1422)
conrlyle.jpg Joseph Conrad (1857-1924), Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
Deaths:
                Jim Nabors, 87
                Wayne Cochran, 78
                Jesus "Jesse" Benavides, 86
                Freeda Bobo Ehringer, 86
                DeKari Finger, 25
                JD Lewis, 70
                Edith Frances Warf Thompson Wiley, 97
                                                                                        [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
The Archbishop of Canterbury said he didn't understand why
Christians support Donald Trump. . . . The web site GoFund-
Me
shut down a drive set up to raise money for Charles Man-
son's funeral. . . . Jordan  and  Justin  Garton,  of  Fort Smith,
Arkansas, were planning to name their baby girl Olivia, after
their favorite restaurant. . . . A gay rector of the Scottish Epis-
copal Church said he hopes 4-year-old Prince George, third in
line to the throne,  grows up gay,  to make the Church of Eng-
land accept gay marriage. . . . A 70-year-old resident of a Bur-
lington, Vermont, retirement community, with a "lengthy men-
tal health history" and wanting to "injure herself," made a ricin
cocktail
she tested on her neighbors. . . .  Scientists  concluded
that dogs are smarter than cats.
                                                                  [courtesy LEX18, AP]

glodowsk.jpg Wanted in Warsaw Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Tamara L. Glodowski, WF, 34, 5'2" 155 lbs, possession of narcotics; Robert J. Kubiec, WM, 27, 5'9", 230 lbs, ankle tattoo, controlled substance (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
glodowsk.jpg Wanted in Warsaw Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Tamara L. Glodowski, WF, 34, 5'2" 155 lbs, possession of narcotics; Robert J. Kubiec, WM, 27, 5'9", 230 lbs, ankle tattoo, controlled substance (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
elizport.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Elizabeth Payne, 19, red hair, blue eyes, 140 lbs, 5'6", bond revocation, possession of controlled substance PG1 U/1g; Keith Porter, 58, brown hair & eyes, 185 lbs, 5'10", burglary of a building (News Talk 1290, Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)
manzstev.jpg Manzel William, 37, brown hair & eyes, 150 lbs, 5'10", violation of probation, aggravated assault with deadly weapon; Stevie Rawald, 33, black hair, brown eyes, 110 lbs, 5'0", fraudulent intent to obtain controlled substance
elizport.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Elizabeth Payne, 19, red hair, blue eyes, 140 lbs, 5'6", bond revocation, possession of controlled substance PG1 U/1g; Keith Porter, 58, brown hair & eyes, 185 lbs, 5'10", burglary of a building (News Talk 1290, Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)
manzstev.jpg Manzel William, 37, brown hair & eyes, 150 lbs, 5'10", violation of probation, aggravated assault with deadly weapon; Stevie Rawald, 33, black hair, brown eyes, 110 lbs, 5'0", fraudulent intent to obtain controlled substance

Dear Eleanor:
I have been with my boy friend for two years. When I’m with
him I often find him  annoying  and  think we have nothing in
common.  But when we are apart, I miss him a lot.  When we
talk on the phone we have amazing conversations and discuss
a future,  but when we're together we don't talk so much;  and
he never mentions a future.

I'm confused.  Is this normal?
                                                                Perplexed in Virginia

Dear Perp:
                      Well, yes, honey this is quite common, I'm sorry to tell
                      you.  It's called "asgether syndrome."  Sometimes it's a
                      simple issue of incompatible body odor; sometimes it's
                      an issue of ugly.  But stay with him!   You  have  some-
                      thing!  You  two  may  have one of those great relation-
                      ships where one of you lives in L.A.,  and  the  other in
                      New York.   Just close your eyes and ears  (and  maybe
                      your  nose)  when you lie together.   And write and call
                      each other often.


The sports:
vollybal.jpg Western Kentucky University volleyball players Sydney Engle (21) and Taylor Dellinger (16) celebrate their victory over Notre Dame in the NCAA tournament in Lexington, Ky.; Coach Travis Hudson and Hallie Shelton (photos by Michael Reaves for the Park City (Bowling Green, Ky.) Daily News)
vollybal.jpg Western Kentucky University volleyball players Sydney Engle (21) and Taylor Dellinger (16) celebrate their victory over Notre Dame in the NCAA tournament in Lexington, Ky.; Coach Travis Hudson and Hallie Shelton (photos by Michael Reaves for the Park City (Bowling Green, Ky.) Daily News)

Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "hongy@zjzs.net"
        titled "The brand new in-thing" and "central_labs@epri.sci.eg"
        titled "The new craze" and seven more messages from "Clutterbook"
        "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's message and other notifi-
        cations you've missed."



DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!   Readers  interested  in  intellectual  dissection  of
important current events are invited to  attend  the  Weekly   World
News Round Table  at  the offices of Borf Books  outside  Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.    Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include  
Mallory  Noe-Payne
(say it out loud).


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

 
But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above,  without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


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