June 24, 2018:     Things you would never know if you did not browse the tabloids
while waiting for your wife at the counter in  the  supermarket  –  the week's head-
lines
(this issue went to press two days earlier, as the Editor was engaged in week-
end travel – if we missed anything, we'll make it up next week):


Prophets
        agree, last days begin July 4, Edgar Cay6ce, Jeane Dixon,
        Nostradamus (Examiner); Cosby wife walks out (Globe); Brad/Angie
        custody battle explodes (Enquirer); Kim and Kanye divorce
        (Star); Beyondsay Beyoncé pregnant (Star); Rachel Ray fired,
        277-lb chef too fat for TV (Globe); Racist Roseanne Nazi shame
        (Enquirer)

hedwilam William giving up throne, protecting Kate and children after kidnap attempt (Globe); Thief steals money (LEX18); Swim classes teaches babies how to self-rescue in water (Columbus Republic)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Fred Dean wrote Sun 6/17/18 @10:43 PDT re Miss America:
Right on,  Steve.  Celebrating feminine beauty was the main
point of the Miss America pageant.  If society is offended by
that, there is no reason to preserve it.
J. Ewing wrote Sun 6/17/18 @14:49 EDT:
Let's hope the next scripture spewed forth by Jeff Sessions to
justify child immigrant separation is not Psalms 137:9
:
King James ver.:  "Happy shall he be that taketh and
                   dasheth thy little ones against the stones."

New International ed.:  "Happy is the one who seizes
          your infants and dashes them against the rocks."

Dumb news from Indiana:

         Huge hickies on their necks exposed
         a makeout session  between a former
         cheerleading  coach   at   Bloomfield
         High School,  Morgan Judy, 23,  and
         a 16-year-old male student  (she was
         charged with seduction).
                                                 [court. WBIW]

morgjudy.jpg
Stormy Daniels appeared at the Westland Pony Club on Indianap-
olis' West Side in her "Make America Horny Again" tour.

                                                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

jalanwit.jpg South Bend's most wanted: James Hudson, WM, 5'6", 155 lbs, probation violaton; Willie Alsanders, BM, 5'7", 150 lbs, parole violation, upside down ears; Jalan Dean Whitney, WM, larceny in a building (it's OK outdoors in Michigan); Jowel Demetrius Bradley, BM, criminal sexual conduct; Lotoya Denyall Henderson, BF, assault with a dangerous weapon (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
jalanwit.jpg South Bend's most wanted: James Hudson, WM, 5'6", 155 lbs, probation violaton; Willie Alsanders, BM, 5'7", 150 lbs, parole violation, upside down ears; Jalan Dean Whitney, WM, larceny in a building (it's OK outdoors in Michigan); Jowel Demetrius Bradley, BM, criminal sexual conduct; Lotoya Denyall Henderson, BF, assault with a dangerous weapon (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Unisex name of the week:  Willie.


Dumb news from Kentucky
:

The grandmother of Zackary Farmer, a 2018 graduate of
Edmonson County High School,  confirmed to the Editor
of Tabloid Headlines  that  the Edmonson News had mis-
spelled the boy's name Zacjary (we did not inquire of her
son's misspelling of "Zachary.").

renatosh.jpg Lexington's most wanted: RenatoBenites, WM (sic), 20, 5'9", 200 lbs, featured fugitive of the week, wanton endangerment; Samantha Wilmore, WF, 26, 5'7", 151 lbs, wanton everything; Shakira Townsend, BF, 30, 4'11", 150 lbs, public liability; Ronnell Sutter, BM, 27, 5'9", 158 lbs, lacivious drudge; Kristen Perkins, WF, 24, 5'1", entered Yorkshire hog contest but refused to be weighed (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
renatosh.jpg Lexington's most wanted: RenatoBenites, WM (sic), 20, 5'9", 200 lbs, featured fugitive of the week, wanton endangerment; Samantha Wilmore, WF, 26, 5'7", 151 lbs, wanton everything; Shakira Townsend, BF, 30, 4'11", 150 lbs, public liability; Ronnell Sutter, BM, 27, 5'9", 158 lbs, lacivious drudge; Kristen Perkins, WF, 24, 5'1", entered Yorkshire hog contest but refused to be weighed (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Quotation of the week
:
                                           "A blind man walks into a bar.  And a table.  And a chair."
                                                                                                                                                   – Phil Proctor
Quotation of the weak:
                                           "I really
don't care, do u?"
                                                                                         – insignia on a jacket worn by Melania
                                                                                            in a visit to a migrant chldren facility

Classic Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said March 22, 2015):
"When gifting a woman, always include a dildo, so that if she
  is unappreciative she can go fuck herself."
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Devil's Backbone Vienna Lager.


Birthdays:
                    June 18:  Blake Shelton, 42
                                    Sandy Posey, 73

                                    Lou Gehrig (1903-1941)
                    June 19:  Aung San Suu Kyi, 73
                    June 20
:  Nicole Kidman, 51
                                    Lionel Richie, 69
                                    Brian Wilson, 76
                                    Jean-Marie Le Pen, 90
                    June 21:  Prince William, 36
                                    Joko Widodo, 57
                    June 22:  Cyndi Lauper, 65
                                    Meryl Streep, 69
                                    Lindsay Wagner, 69
                                    Elizabeth Warren, 69
                                    Kris Kristofferson, 82
                                    Dianne Feinstein, 85
                    June 23:  Frances McDormand, 62
                                    James Levine, 75
                    June 24:  Mick Fleetwood, 72
                                    Hendrik the Child (1256-1308)
Deaths:
                Kate Spade's father, 89
                Charles Krautammer, 68
               
Nancy Gail Thompson Snow Solomon, 71
                                                                                             [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A grandmother,  46,  fought off a rabid bobcat in her front yard in Hart
County, Georgia,
strangling it to death. . . . A 23-foot python swallow-
ed a woman whole in Indonesia, the second in little over a year; and an
18-footer  wrapped itself  around  a forest ranger showing off with it in
West Bengal, India. . . . Poop fell on a woman and her sun throuigh the
sunroof of their automobile in
Kelowna, British Columbia, as they saw
a passenger plane fly overhead. . . . A  29-pound  cat  showed up at the
Pasadena, California, Humane Society shelter (there's video).

                                                [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, HuffPost, AP]

sarahser.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Sarah Kathleen Patterson, WF, 23, 5'1", 120 lbs, tattoos on left leg and right hand, opiates; Sergey Vladimirovich Arkov, WM, 27, 5'11", 210 lbs, flee and elude, prob. viol.; Jillian e. Bortz, WF, 29, a/k/a 'Jailhouse Honey,' 5'7", 147 lbs, opiates, probation violation (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
sarahser.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Sarah Kathleen Patterson, WF, 23, 5'1", 120 lbs, tattoos on left leg and right hand, opiates; Sergey Vladimirovich Arkov, WM, 27, 5'11", 210 lbs, flee and elude, prob. viol.; Jillian e. Bortz, WF, 29, a/k/a 'Jailhouse Honey,' 5'7", 147 lbs, opiates, probation violation (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
amandaro.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Amanda Milsap, WF, 34, 5'6", 180 lbs, meth; Rosalia Sirena Marentes, HF, 22, 5'1", 135 lbs, injury to elderly person; Erika Lynn Chaney, WF, 28, 5'5", 120 lbs, morphine, injury to a child; Rena Lynn Arrazola, HF, 31, 5'6", 180 lbs, meth; Wanted in Waco: Tomeka Latrisse Davidson, 43, 5'7", 130 lbs, probation violation, assault w/a deadly weapon (Abilene Crime Stoppers, City of Waco)
amandaro.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Amanda Milsap, WF, 34, 5'6", 180 lbs, meth; Rosalia Sirena Marentes, HF, 22, 5'1", 135 lbs, injury to elderly person; Erika Lynn Chaney, WF, 28, 5'5", 120 lbs, morphine, injury to a child; Rena Lynn Arrazola, HF, 31, 5'6", 180 lbs, meth; Wanted in Waco: Tomeka Latrisse Davidson, 43, 5'7", 130 lbs, probation violation, assault w/a deadly weapon (Abilene Crime Stoppers, City of Waco)
Dear Eleanor:
                            I have been doing a lot of family-tree research and re-
                            cently learned that my ancestors  owned  slaves  from
                            early in the 18th century until  the   end  of  the  Civil
                            War,  when  my last slave-owning ancestor  was  shot
                            in the head by Union troops.

                            My problem is, one of my brothers married an Afri-
                            can-American woman;  and  they  have  two  young
                            daughters.  I  am  close   to my brother and his wife,
                            and I adore my mixed-race nieces,  who  identify as
                            black.

                            My family considers me the repository of ancestral
                            information.  What on earth do I tell them?  I worry
                            that  it would be terribly difficult for them  to  learn
                            that  their ancestors were slave owners  and  fought
                            on the side of the Confederacy.  Family lore and of-
                            ficial records both indicate  that my ancestors didn't
                            own many slaves and were not cruel people, but still.

                            I can easily talk to my nieces about the European an-
                            cestors who never came to America,  many of whom
                            were members of the aristocracy.   But I feel an obli-
                            gation to tell the truth  about  all  of their relatives if
                            they should ask. 
How do I talk to them about this in
                            a sensitive way?
                                                                                                        K.C.
Dear Casey:
                        Just  tell  'em.  They'll  be  proud.  Ever hear of Sally
                        Hemings and her descendants?

                        They'll particularly like the story of the last one, who
                        got shot in the head at the end of the Civil War.


The movies:  "Guiding Hands."
guidesme.jpg

The sports:
                        "Why does everybody stand up and sing 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game' when
                          they're already there?"
                                                                       – Louie Anderson


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Christine Higbee"
        titled "Only a week left."  one from Clutterbook "Facebook"  titled
        "You have 31 new notifications and 1 message,"  and another from
        "Clutterbook" "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's message and
        other notifications you've missed
."


People who invited us to be their "friends" on Clutterbook Facebook
        in the last week included Putry Kepastian.



DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intel-
lectual dissection of important current events
are invited to attend the Weekly World News
Round Table at the offices of Borf Books out-
side Brownsville, Kentucky, just after church
every Sunday.  Guest  speakers  lined  up  for
meetings  in  the  near 
future  include  Rebel
Wilson
.
wilsnreb.jpg

lifepets.jpg Petting area, Life Saver Dude: Aww . . . cute grass, Dude

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:


  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett



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Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



June 17, 2018:     Things you would never know if you did not browse the tabloids
while waiting for your wife at the counter in  the  supermarket  –  the week's head-
lines:

New cold case evidence, Caylee was buried alive, shovel nails mom Casey Anthony in tot's death (Globe); Melania: What she's really hiding, secret trips to New York, hospital won't acknowledge 'kidney surgery,' at brreaking point (In Touch); $400 million divorce, Ellen storms out, rips off wedding ring (Enquirer)New cold case evidence, Caylee was buried alive, shovel nails mom Casey Anthony in tot's death (Globe); Melania: What she's really hiding, secret trips to New York, hospital won't acknowledge 'kidney surgery,' at brreaking point (In Touch); $400 million divorce, Ellen storms out, rips off wedding ring (Enquirer)
dorblhed.jpg Adorable baby girl falls asleep while sitting (Windstream.net - this is news? It mighta been a little more interesting if she had been shitting, but not much)
dorblhed.jpg Adorable baby girl falls asleep while sitting (Windstream.net - this is news? It mighta been a little more interesting if she had been shitting, but not much)
LETTERS to the EDITOR:

Stephen Yates wrote Sun 6/10/18 @10:00 CDT:

It's not just the swimsuit competition Miss America
is dropping, it's also the evening gown competition
and everything that makes a pretty girl stand out as
a pretty girl.   Contestants  will  be asked  in  future
to "demonstrate their passion, intelligence and un-
derstanding of  the job of Miss America" (whatev-
er that is; emphasis added).  They will be asked to
wear attire that "makes them feel confident and ex-
presses their personal style" – and to "discuss how
they will advance their chosen causes," called "so-
cial impact initiatives."

Some have attributed this change  to an outreach of
the #MeToo movement, and a revolt  of  the  uglies;
but I think it is more likely a capitulation of the stu-
pid – girls who may have been pretty enough to win
in the past but not smart  enough  now.  I  guess  we
fleshmongers will have to go back  to  Playboy  and
Penthouse.

Dumb news from Indiana:

A 14-year-old boy shot five other children at a birthday party in
Indianapolis, one of them fatally. . . .

A 4-year-old boy in Lake County found a handgun under his ba-
by-sitters' bed and shot himself to death. . . .

A Brownsburg high school orchestra teacher submitted his resig-
nation over a policy requiring teachers to address pupils by their
chosen "transgender" names instead of their birth names; and he
tried to rescind it, but the school board accepted it anyway. . . .

Descendants and relatives of the two black men lynched  in Ma-
ion in 1930 are opposing plans for a public memorial to the two,
saying they were not consulted by the Alabama-based  sponsors
who hope to place a memorial stone at every lynching site in A-
merica  (the lynching was depicted in  an  infamous  newspaper
photograph,  and the spectators were depicted in a more recent-
ly infamous mural).
                                                      [courtesy Columbus Republic]
shortawil.jpg South Bend's most wanted: John Thomas, BM, 6'2", 185 lbs intimidation, residential entry; Shonta Henderson, BF, 5'8", 170 lbs, intimitation, auto theft, battery; Danielle Ruff, WF, 5'7", 140 lbs, theft; Adam Miller, WM, 5'9", 160 lbs, burglary; Willis Martell, parole violation; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Lloyd Delorance, unarmed robbery (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
shortawil.jpg South Bend's most wanted: John Thomas, BM, 6'2", 185 lbs intimidation, residential entry; Shonta Henderson, BF, 5'8", 170 lbs, intimitation, auto theft, battery; Danielle Ruff, WF, 5'7", 140 lbs, theft; Adam Miller, WM, 5'9", 160 lbs, burglary; Willis Martell, parole violation; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Lloyd Delorance, unarmed robbery (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb geographical trivia in Kentucky:

modrncot.jpg The 'Horse Shoe Camp Modern Cottages' motel on U.S. 31-W, main road to Florida before I-65, about five miles east of Bowling Green

modrncot.jpg The 'Horse Shoe Camp Modern Cottages' motel on U.S. 31-W, main road to Florida before I-65, about five miles east of Bowling Green

Dumb news from Kentucky:

It turns out, according to papers filed in court, that there
was no long-running feud between  U.S.  Senator  Rand
Paul,  of  Bowling Green,  and  his  neighbor,  Dr. René
Boucher,  but that Boucher was reacting to some  brush
Paul had dumped near their line.  Boucher burnt it, then
tackled Paul behind his lawn mower after Paul dumped
another load.  Boucher was sentenced Friday to 30 days
in federal prison, a $10,000 fine, and a year of supervis-
ed release (Paul suffered six broken ribs in the assault). . . .

In a lawsuit a woman claims she got a cup  of  degreaser
to go instead of green tea at a restaurant in Florence. . . .

Firemen were called in Henderson to rescue a kitten trap-
ped in the front end of a car  (there's a photo  in  the  link,
Jan). . . .

A 6-year-old boy in Radcliff found a gun  on  the  dining
room table and took it to his bedroom where he shot him-
self to death, apparently accidentally. . . .

A 15-year-old boy was shot to death at a party in Living-
ston County.
                                                              [courtesy LEX18]

A candidate who  lost  the  nomination  for Barren County
executive in the Republican primary election by 599 votes
demanded a recount (it did him no good).

                                                           [courtesy WBKO-TV]
martrish.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Marcus Easley, BM, 32, 5'8", 120 lbs, featured fugitive of the week, burglary 1°, terroristic threatening 3° assault 4°; Paul Van Winkle, 33,, WM, 5'9", 165 lbs, oversleeping; Trisha Campanella, WF, 27, 5'5", 100 lbs, undernourished; Jon Wilburn, WM, 48, 6'4", 223 lbs, ate Trisha's lumch & dinner; Devante Warfield, BM, 24, 5'11", 235 lbs, ate Jon's breakfast (dragged kicking & screaming from the Herald-Leader)
martrish.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Marcus Easley, BM, 32, 5'8", 120 lbs, featured fugitive of the week, burglary 1°, terroristic threatening 3° assault 4°; Paul Van Winkle, 33,, WM, 5'9", 165 lbs, oversleeping; Trisha Campanella, WF, 27, 5'5", 100 lbs, undernourished; Jon Wilburn, WM, 48, 6'4", 223 lbs, ate Trisha's lumch & dinner; Devante Warfield, BM, 24, 5'11", 235 lbs, ate Jon's breakfast (dragged kicking & screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Quotations of the week
:

                                            "Fuck Trump."
                                                                         Robert De Niro at the TONY awards ceremony

        "If I'd wanted to see a horse’s ass, I'd have finished second."
                                                                                                            – Triple Crown winner Justify, declinng
                                                                                                                
an invitation to the White House

        "Bill Clinton, who can write, and James Patterson, who can't," have teamed up on "The President
         Is Missing
."
                                 – Anthony Lane, in the New Yorker

Quotations of the weak:

                                            "#byebyebikini."
                                                                                – Miss America 2018 Cara Mund

        "I would cite you to the Apostle Paul and his clear and wise command in Romans 13 to obey the laws

          of the government because God has ordained them for the purpose of order."

                                                                                     Jeff Sessions, in response to criticism that separating
                                                                                        children from their parents at the border is immoral
A #MeToo moment on NPR?
                                                  "Love you – er, lovely of you to join us, thanks."

                                                                                                                                    – David Folkenflik, host of On
                                                                                                                                       Point, to guest Nabila Ahmed
Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"I was asked why is it 'Quotations of the Wheat,' not 'Tweets of
  the Wheat';  and  the  answer  is,  the Wheat does not 'Tweet'."
  #NoTweetoftheWheat
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Christmas Morning.


Unisex name of the week:  Hoyt.


Birthdays:

                    June 11:  Diana Taurasi, 36
                                   Mehmet ("Dr.") Oz, 58
                    June 12:  George H. W. Bush, 94 (the oldest ex: Reagan and Ford made it to 93,
                                    Anne Frank (1929-1945)                      and Carter is 93)
                    June 13:  Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen, 32
                    June 14:  Donald Trump, 72
                                   Joe Arpaio, 86
                                   Burl Ives Matter (1909-1995)
                    June 15:  Terri Gibbs, 64
                                   Xi Jinping, 65
                                   Janet Lennon, 72
                    June 16:  Phil Mickelson, 48
                                   Geronimo (1829-1909)
                    June 17:  Newt Gingrich,75
                                   Barry Manilow, 75
Deaths:
                Eleanor Roosevelt, 133
                Freddy "Fred" Creasey, 83
                Sara E. Cohn Kohn Davidson, 83
                                                                             [Louisville Courier-Journal]

jeffstev.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Jeffrey Sessions, Steve Haynesjeffstev.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Jeffrey Sessions, Steve Haynes

Borf 's weekly BONUS:

The former IHOP is now IHOb (not IHOB),  and the "b" stands for "burg-
ers
." . . . Peacocks were attacking cars with windows projecting their own

reflections in British Columbia. . . . Bavaria made it mandatory that every
public building display a Christian cross at its entrance. . . . A Massachu-
setts kindergarten teacher rewrote “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” with ly-
rics "Lockdown, lockdown, lock the door; shut the lights off, say no more"
as part of a drill for school shootings. . . . A 2-year-old boy died after be-
ing shot by his 13-year-old brother in Ohio; a 4-year-old boy was shot in
South Carolina after playing with a gun he found under a mattress;  a  10-
year-old boy was shot while playing in his yard in Mississippi;  a  2-year-
old boy was shot in the head and a 9-year-old boy was shot in the stomach
while shooting targets in Tennessee; a 4-year-old boy was shot at a gas sta-
tion in Missouri; a 5-year-old boy was shot while sitting on a porch in Lou-
isiana;  a 5-year-old boy was shot in Pennsylvania;  a 12-year-old girl died
after being shot by two teen-agers in Georgia; a 5-year-old boy was shot by
his 8-year-old brother; seven adults were shot by several gunmen at a birth-
day party in Illinois;  and a 10-year-old boy was shot in the head at a birth-
day party in Virginia. . . . The body of a missing woman in Davie,  Florida,
was found in a lake bitten by an alligator,  and a necropsy performed on an
alligator captured nearby confirmed that it was the assailant. . . .  A  Home
Depot cashier on lunch break in Okeechobee,  Florida,  was attacked from
the parking lot by a spider monkey named Spanky. . . . A raccoon scaled a
20-story skyscraper in St. Paul,  Minnesota. . . .  A distillery in Hamworth,
New Hampshire, introduced "Eau de Musc," a bourbon flavored with a se-
cretion from beavers' castor sacs. . . . The National Sheriff Association un-
veiled a plan to teach police how to reduce the use of  lethal  force  against
 pets. .  .  .  Jamie Foxx denied slapping a woman in the face with his penis
16 years ago in Las Vegas.
                                                                     [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

bobbiejo.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Christopher Juan Bernal, HM, 44, 5'8", 135 lbs, forgery; Bobbie Joe Lottor, WF, 26, 5'7", 160 lbs, meth; April Yvonne Cortez, HF, 30, 4'11", 160 lbs, coke (this doesn't appear to be the same April Yvonne Cortez we had earlier, but she has the same stats and still qualifies as a Yorkshire hog) (Abilene Crime Stoppers); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Tereasa Lynn Davis, WF, 5'2", 120 lbs, controlled substan. (Sedwick County Sheriff)

bobbiejo.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Christopher Juan Bernal, HM, 44, 5'8", 135 lbs, forgery; Bobbie Joe Lottor, WF, 26, 5'7", 160 lbs, meth; April Yvonne Cortez, HF, 30, 4'11", 160 lbs, coke (this doesn't appear to be the same April Yvonne Cortez we had earlier, but she has the same stats and still qualifies as a Yorkshire hog) (Abilene Crime Stoppers); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Tereasa Lynn Davis, WF, 5'2", 120 lbs, controlled substan. (Sedwick County Sheriff)

Dear Eleanor:
                           
My male roommate recently demanded that I stop

                            taking showers with my boy friend – because,  he
                            said, he didn't like imagining what we do in there.
                            This  isn't  the  first  time this dude has demanded
                            something I've considered unreasonable.   He  has
                            a habit of asking us, his two female roommates, to
                            meet  his  needs;  but he never does  what  we  ask
                            like clean up his mess, or remember to turn off the
                            stove.   Now I'm uncomfortable knowing he imag-
                            ines me having sex.     I also wonder when he will
                            stop policing my activity based on his imagination.
                            What do I do?
                                                         Bathroom Time with Boy Friend
Dear Bathbitch:

                               OK, which of you is your roommate jealous of –
                               your boy friend,  or  you?  Wow!  You're  living
                               with another girl and a man  (maybe!),  and  an-
                               other
  man   is  screwing up the deal?   Do  you

                               know what "gender" you are? (sorry, that's 20th
                               century p.c. for "sex.")

                               Here's the answer:  Fuck the shit out of your "room-
                               mate" (or roommates, plural). Tell your "boy friend"
                               to get an apartment  with a bathroom,  and fuck him
                               there!


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Pramila Jayapal"
        titled "Unfortunately, I was right" and another message from "Clut-
        terbook" "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's message and other
        notifications you've missed."



DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dis-
section of
important current events  are   invited to at-
tend  the Weekly World
News Round Table at the of-
fices of Borf Books  outside  Browns
ville,  Kentucky
 just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined
up for meetings in the near future include Lee Lee.



HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above,  without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant  "Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


lifetsar.jpg Last night on Dancing with the Tsars: Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible; Life Saver Dude: I'll take your word for it . . . I don't watch TV . . .

lifetsar.jpg Last night on Dancing with the Tsars: Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible; Life Saver Dude: I'll take your word for it . . . I don't watch TV . . .


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett

Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer


   270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



June 10, 2018:     Things you would never know if you did not browse the tabloids
while waiting for your wife at the counter in  the  supermarket  –  the week's head-
lines
:

hed18062.jpg Hawaii volcanoes signal end of world (Examiner); Meghan, Harry having twins, secret visit to fertility clinice (Enquirer); Queen bans Meghan's 'American trash' family (Globe); Jen: 'Yes, I'm pregnant with Brad's baby' (OK); JFK autopsy discloses brain stolen (Globe); Kelly Clarkson loses 37 lbs (Globe)
Hawaii volcanoes signal end of world (Examiner); Meghan, Harry having twins, secret visit to fertility clinice (Enquirer); Queen bans Meghan's 'American trash' family (Globe); Jen: 'Yes, I'm pregnant with Brad's baby' (OK); JFK autopsy discloses brain stolen (Globe); Kelly Clarkson loses 37 lbs (Globe)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:

Fred Dean wrote Weds 6/6/18 @09:26 PDT:
I like the upside down "p"! (as well as the article itself):

A scrap metal theft suspect jumped into a pond at a dumb
in Indianapolis to avoid calpture, and a police drone deliv-
ered a life vest to keep him afloat. . . .
C'est la typo!    – Editor

Unisex name of the week:  Claire.


Dumb news from Indiana:

        Camella Rodgers, a fifth grade
        teacher at Farmersville,  in Po-
        sey County,  pleaded guilty  to
        having sex  with a high school
        boy.
                        [courtesy Evansville
                            Courier and Press]
camellar.jpg
A 19-year-old motorcyclist was arrested in Lake County for
driving 135 miles an hour on the interstate, passing other ve-
hicles on the shoulders and splitting lanes. . . .

A worker pouring concrete on a street in Franklin yelled  at a
car that sped past him,  and the car returned  10 minutes later
with three teen-age boys who got out and pummeled the man. . . .

A Floyd County Judge denied a paroled murderer's petition to
change his name.
    
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

batrouge.jpg
                Bat 'n' Rouge softball in Indianapolis' Garfield Park

The Beech Grove high school senior class president was barred from
graduation ceremonies over  his  "social  media"  posts,  which  were
found "threatening and profane,"  including the F-word  in  reference
to the school.
                                                               [courtesy WRTV]
jenascia.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Nicholas Jackmovich, WM, 5'7", 140 lbs, burglary; Aqua Rivera, HF, 5'3" theft, meth; Courtney Vann Jr., BM, 5'4", 150 lbs, domestic battery; Wated in Berrien County, Michigan: Taniqua Lashey Hill, BF, home invasion; Jenascia Lynsha Smith, BF, assault with a dangerous weapon, happy to be here (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
jenascia.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Nicholas Jackmovich, WM, 5'7", 140 lbs, burglary; Aqua Rivera, HF, 5'3" theft, meth; Courtney Vann Jr., BM, 5'4", 150 lbs, domestic battery; Wated in Berrien County, Michigan: Taniqua Lashey Hill, BF, home invasion; Jenascia Lynsha Smith, BF, assault with a dangerous weapon, happy to be here (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:

        Haley Reed, 35, a high school
        teacher  and  choir director  in
        LaGrange,  was  charged  with
        rape and sodomy  for an affair
        with a pupil on school proper-
        ty after hours.
haleyred.jpg
Two roller coaster trains collided at Kentucky Kingdom amuse-
ment park in Lexington; five persons were slightly injured. . . .

The state board of education,  over protests  by the American
Civil Liberties Union, approved standards for the "Bible liter-
acy
" class recently established by the state legislature (meant
as an elective course to study the Bible  as  literature,  not  as
devotional material).
                                                                      [courtesy LEX18]

Backpacks  were  banned  at  the high school and middle schools
of  Marshall   County,  where  a  shooting  killed two students  in
January.
                                               [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]


heroingl.jpg Jessice Breece, 29, Stephanie Proctor, 31, Christy Queen, 28
heroingl.jpg Jessice Breece, 29, Stephanie Proctor, 31, Christy Queen, 28
Three women were caught smuggling heroin into the Boyd County Jail, in Ashland, after
two inmates overdosed.
                                                                                                                                [LEX18]

ernbanks.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Ernie Ebanks Jr., WM, 41, 5'9", 195 lbs, phony name; Amy Franklin, WF, 32, 5'4", 140 lbs, impersonation, apprehended; Dakeyione Jackson, BM, 18, 6'0", 190 lbs, made-up name (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
ernbanks.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Ernie Ebanks Jr., WM, 41, 5'9", 195 lbs, phony name; Amy Franklin, WF, 32, 5'4", 140 lbs, impersonation, apprehended; Dakeyione Jackson, BM, 18, 6'0", 190 lbs, made-up name (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

We can't tell from the
caption  which girl is
which  –  but  one of
them  is  clearly  our
Yorkshire hog of the
week. . . .

The Bell County High
School   valedictorian
brought the crowed to
a roar with a quotation
told   them   was  from
Donald Trump, but . . .
diamyork.jpg Edmonson News: Overall Miss Preteen Queen of the Diamond - Kennedy Webb, Local winnter - Alvia Higgins
diamyork.jpg Edmonson News: Overall Miss Preteen Queen of the Diamond - Kennedy Webb, Local winnter - Alvia Higgins

Quotations of the week:
                                            "Just kidding:  That was Barack Obama."
                                                                                                                   Ben Bowling, Bell County valedictorian

                                        "
I love little cultural differences, like how Americans are super offended by the word
                                          'cunt' but here in Australia we're super offended by schoolchildren being slaughtered
                                          with automatic weapons."

                                                                                        Thomas Violence

                                          " . . . a solution in search of a problem . . . ."
                                                                                                                   Uber, deriding Honolulu, Hawaii's,
                                                                                                                      ordinance capping ride-hailing fees
Quotations of the weak:
                                         "The ball is kind of in her corner."
                                                                                                   Brandi, foster mother in Ohio

     "If they don't want to be separated from their children, they shouldn't bring them with them."
                                                                                                                                                             – Jeff Sessions
Quotations repeated every week
:
                                                          "Exactly."

                                                                                  –   Shankar Vedantam
Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"I blame myself for the death of Kate Spade.  I never
  heard of her."
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Sip of Sunshine.


Birthdays:
                    June 4:  Angelina Jolie, 43
                                  Dr. Ruth, 90
                    June 5:  Kenneth Bruce Gorelick ("Kenny G"), 62
                                  Gail Davies, 70
                    June 6:  Holly Near, 69
                                  Gary "U.S." Bonds, 79
                    June 7:  Vice President Mikey, 59
                                  Tom Jones, 78
                    June 8: 
Kim Clijsters, 35
                                 Lt. William Calley, 75
                    June 9:  Johnny Depp, 55
                                  Peter the Great (1672-1725)
                    June 10:  F. Lee Bailey, 85
                                   João Gilberto, 87
                                   Judy Garland (1922-1969)
Deaths:
                Red Schoendienst, 95
                Eunice Gayson, 90 (survived by Sean Connery, 87)
                Kate Spade, 55
                Willie Jane Campbell, 92
                Michael Brent Hambleton , 32, of Louisville, died at home on June 1, 2018.
                       In the words of Kurt Vonnegut, one of his favorite authors, "So it goes."
                Hoyt Handy, 87
                Viviane Lake, 84
                                                    [Louisville Courier-Journal]


Borf 's weekly BONUS:
McDonald's was sued for cheese unrequested but provided and cheese not
requested but charged for nonetheless (it's about time). . . . A San Antonio,
Texas, woman fatally stabbed a nephew  with whom she was having an af-
fair. . . . A junior high school science teacher was charged with animal cru-
elty for feeding a sick puppy to a snapping turtle. . . . A deputy sheriff hurl-
ed a can of Bush beans at
an unruly man in a grocery store in Panama City,
Florida
(and, so, our foreign correspondent, J. Ewing, wants to know, was
the guy Bush-whacked or beaned?   There's  video). . . . An FBI agent lost
his handgun doing a black flip on a dance floor in Denver, Colorado,  and
then, as he retrieved it,  accidentally shot another bar patron. . . . A baptiz-
ing ceremony on the shore of Lake
Abaya in southern Ethiopia ended as a
crocodile ate the pastor. . . .  IHOP was changing its name to IHOB  – and,
what will the B stand for?  Bacon?   Biscuits?   Buttermilk pancakes?  The
announcement will be made tomorrow;  and,  meanwhile,  you can vote in
a poll here  (but our roving reporter already has the scoop:   It's  Breakfast,
he says). . . . KFC (formerly Kentucky Fried Chicken) announced plans to
sell "meatless chicken" next year. . . . A bison gored a 59-year-old woman
in Yellowstone National Park (earlier in the week an elk injured two wom-
en near a park hotel). . . . Miss America canceled its swimsuit competition.

                                                                                    [courtesy LEX18, AP]
lakeshal.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Juan Carols Gonzalez, HM, 55, 5'7", 180 lbs, contnuous sexual abuse of a child; Lakesha Lashawn Barnes, BF, 26, 5'2", 130 lbs, aggravated assault (Abilene Crime Stoppers); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Usanga Lateef Richard, a/k/a Richard Usanga, BM, 6'1", 160 lbs, tattoo on forehead "MRTG": Aggr. rob., domestic abuse, criminal threat; Shamika Marie Gasper, BF, 35, 5'2', 140 lbs, unlawful poss. contr. substs.; Amber Lynn Kynast, WF, 31, 5'5", 30 lbs, tattoo on neck, flee & elude, criminal poss. of firearm; Marquais Deon Byrd, BM, 24, 5'9",, 150 lbs, chest tattoos "MA'KR, KYRA", rude choke (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
lakeshal.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Juan Carols Gonzalez, HM, 55, 5'7", 180 lbs, contnuous sexual abuse of a child; Lakesha Lashawn Barnes, BF, 26, 5'2", 130 lbs, aggravated assault (Abilene Crime Stoppers); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Usanga Lateef Richard, a/k/a Richard Usanga, BM, 6'1", 160 lbs, tattoo on forehead "MRTG": Aggr. rob., domestic abuse, criminal threat; Shamika Marie Gasper, BF, 35, 5'2', 140 lbs, unlawful poss. contr. substs.; Amber Lynn Kynast, WF, 31, 5'5", 30 lbs, tattoo on neck, flee & elude, criminal poss. of firearm; Marquais Deon Byrd, BM, 24, 5'9",, 150 lbs, chest tattoos "MA'KR, KYRA", rude choke (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

The sports:
Football's Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles' invitation
to the White House was canceled because only a few players de-
cided to attend.

crysthaz.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Crystal Lea Killian, 33, blonde hair green eyes, 122 lbs, 5'3", violation of probation, theft o/$200,000; Hazel King, 25, black hair brown eyes, 125 lbs, 5'0", violation of probation, forgery of financial instrument (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)
         esquivel.jpg Martin Esquivel, 49, black hair, brown eyes, 170 lbs, 5'8", buggy hair! surety off bond, burglary of a habitation, Texomas' most wanted fugitives of the week, wanted as of June 1, 2018, call Crime Stoppers 940-322-9888, cash reward for tips leading to arrest, these fugitives should be considered armed and dangerous
crysthaz.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Crystal Lea Killian, 33, blonde hair green eyes, 122 lbs, 5'3", violation of probation, theft o/$200,000; Hazel King, 25, black hair brown eyes, 125 lbs, 5'0", violation of probation, forgery of financial instrument (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers); esquivel.jpg Martin Esquivel, 49, black hair, brown eyes, 170 lbs, 5'8", buggy hair! surety off bond, burglary of a habitation, Texomas' most wanted fugitives of the week, wanted as of June 1, 2018, call Crime Stoppers 940-322-9888, cash reward for tips leading to arrest, these fugitives should be considered armed and dangerous

Dear Eleanor:
                            During my first year at college I killed our neigh-
                            bors' daughter backing out of our driveway.   She
                            was running after a toy and I never saw her.   Her
                            death was declared accidental,  and a lawsuit  the
                            neighbors brought against us was dismissed.

                            I understand on an intellectual level I am not guil-
                            ty,  but I haven’t been able to go home since.   It's
                            12 years ago now; the neighbors have moved, and
                            I've been in therapy.  My parents are old now; but
                            every time I think of visiting them, I flash back to
                            that day. I miss my parents, but I can't ask them to
                            sell their house.   I don’t know what to do.  Please
                            help.

                                                                         Can't Go Home Again
Dear Cantygo:
                            Go home and comfort the old folks.   Kids will get
                            killed.


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from Amanda Brown
        Lierman <democraticparty@democrats.org> titled "This is a long
        email, but you should read it" and three more
messages from "Clut-
        terbook" "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's message and other
        notifications you've missed
."


People who invited us to be their "friends" on  Clutterbook   Facebook
        in the last week included
Grimaldy Gunawan, Alyssa Schwartz
        and Alexis Brusch-Swartz.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend  the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include Phil Mickelson's
daughter.
mickdotr
lifelaun.jpg Yorkshire hogs on laundry day in Brownsville
lifelaun.jpg Yorkshire hogs on laundry day in Brownsville

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



June 3, 2018:     Things you would never know if you did not browse the tabloids
while waiting for your wife at the counter in  the  supermarket  –  the week's head-
lines (last week's issue was blocked to 11 hotmail.com subscribers, and we did not
get the mail delivery failure messages until three days later; and – this may be a lit-
tle rough – we are transmitting this week from our alternate "ISP," not our usual in-
ternet "service" "provider," windstream.net):


Prince's own aunt says, Harry's marriage won't last 5 years, royals will rip Meghan apart (Globe); 'Today' in turmoil again, Hoda fired, revealed: radical plan to rehire Matt Lauer (Enquirer): 30 most hated TV hosts: Kelly Ripa, phony backstabber, Wendy Williams, ruthless & moody, Megyn Kelly, at war with Hoda, Savannah, Bill Maher, bigot & sex fiend (Star); Tom Selleck secret affair with Goldie (Examiner)

Melissa McCarthy: I lost 75 lbs on miracle diet (Examiner); Cosby jury terrorized by thugs (Enquirer)
Prince's own aunt says, Harry's marriage won't last 5 years, royals will rip Meghan apart (Globe); 'Today' in turmoil again, Hoda fired, revealed: radical plan to rehire Matt Lauer (Enquirer): 30 most hated TV hosts: Kelly Ripa, phony backstabber, Wendy Williams, ruthless & moody, Megyn Kelly, at war with Hoda, Savannah, Bill Maher, bigot & sex fiend (Star); Tom Selleck secret affair with Goldie (Examiner); Melissa McCarthy: I lost 75 lbs on miracle diet (Examiner); Cosby jury terrorized by thugs (Enquirer)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Patty Clark-Basham wrote Fri 6/1/18 @22:19 CDT
from patty-1260@hotmail.com:
Post-dated news!!!!

Hotmail will be shocked!  My Tabloid Headlines
arrived early this week.  Happy Day!

Thank you.
You're welcome,  and thank you!  The early delivery was an ac-
cident  as  we  were  experimenting  with a new mailing system
(as noted in the introduction above), and one of the experiments
– with the full subscribership addressed – got away.

The only thing new in this Sunday delivery is your letter, and our
reply.    – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana:
Sears closed another 72 stores, including its last in Indianap-
olis, and stores in Muncie and Lafayette. . . . .

angemich.jpg Indianapolis' most wanted; Angel Martinez-Ramirez, HM, 5'6", 135 lbs, domestic battery; Michael Clay, WM, 6'1", 185 lbs, failure to register; Wanted in Berrien County Michigan: Christie Anne Doan, WF, tampering with electronic monitoring device; Gregroy Douglas Nikodeerm Jr., tampering etc.; Kyle Lamont-Alan Perkins-Corzine absconding parole (Central Indiana, Michiana Crime Stoppers)
angemich.jpg Indianapolis' most wanted; Angel Martinez-Ramirez, HM, 5'6", 135 lbs, domestic battery; Michael Clay, WM, 6'1", 185 lbs, failure to register; Wanted in Berrien County Michigan: Christie Anne Doan, WF, tampering with electronic monitoring device; Gregroy Douglas Nikodeerm Jr., tampering etc.; Kyle Lamont-Alan Perkins-Corzine absconding parole (Central Indiana, Michiana Crime Stoppers)

A scrap metal theft suspect jumped into a pond at a dumb in
Indianapolis to avoid capture,  and a police drone  delivered
a life vest to keep him afloat  as police swimmers and divers
surrounded him for capture.
   
                                                [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A "tropical depression" attributed to "subtropical storm" Al-
berto hung over central and Southern Indiana, producing
storms that left 56,000 people without power.

                  [courtesy Washington Post, Columbus Republic]

Dumb news from Kentucky
:

The valedictorian whose speech was suppressed at Crest-
view Hills grabbed a bullhorn outside the auditorium  af-
ter graduation and gave his speech,  advocating gun con-
trol and denouncing abortion.  The student council presi-
dent,  also  gagged  at commencement,  also gave her ad-
dress on the bullhorn. . . .

A Lexington woman lost not only her car to a thief in a
supermarket parking lot but also her therapy dog, the 8-
month-old pit bull Reina. . . .

A cow had triplets in Garrard County.

                                                               [courtesy LEX18]
cinnamon.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Dustin Cinnamon, WM, 31, 160 lbs, hot goods; Crystal Adkins, WF, 38, 5'8", 180 lbs, receiving stolen firearm, bail jumping; Meiondre Edmonds, BM, 28, 5'8", 150 lbs, robbery; Charity Sands, WF, 27, 5'7", 118 lbs, mobery; Kristian Noakes, WM, 25, gobery (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
cinnamon.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Dustin Cinnamon, WM, 31, 160 lbs, hot goods; Crystal Adkins, WF, 38, 5'8", 180 lbs, receiving stolen firearm, bail jumping; Meiondre Edmonds, BM, 28, 5'8", 150 lbs, robbery; Charity Sands, WF, 27, 5'7", 118 lbs, mobery; Kristian Noakes, WM, 25, gobery (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
Quotations of the week:
                                            "Muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby = vj."
                                                                                                                                                    Roseanne
                "Do something about your dad's immigration practices, you feckless cunt. . . .
                  Put on something tight and low-cut and tell your father to fucking stop it."
                                                                                                                                                Samantha Bee
      "You're living in 2018 if you have a list of 15 phone numbers for a family of three."
                                                                                                                                                – Phil Proctor
Quotation of the weak:
                                          "Jefferson did bad things."
                                                                                          – Virginia Congressman Tom Jarrett

Quotations repeated every week
:
                                                          "Exactly. . . .  That's exactly right. . . . That's exactly
                                                            the case the researchers are making."

                                                                                                                                              –   Shankar Vedantam
Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"Proof that the human race will always find a way:  They
 are now making gluten-free edible rubbers.
"
– Leonard Simon
Funny beer brands:  Labyrinth Black Ale.


Unisex name of the week:  Brook, Brooke.

Birthdays:
                    May 28:  Carroll Baker, 87
                                    John the Fearless (1371-1419)

                    May 29:  Annette Bening, 60
                                    John Hinckley, 63
                    May 30:  Christina Claire Ciminella "Wynonna" Judd, 54
                                    P. J. Carlesimo, 69
                                    Gale Sayers, 75
                    May 31:  Brooke Shields, 53
                                    Joe Namath, 75
                                    Peter Yarrow, 80
                                    Clint Eastwood, 88
                    June 1:  Alanis Morissette, 44
                                  David Berkowitz, 65
                                  Morgan Freeman, 81
                                  Pat Boone, 84
                    June 2:  Abby Wambach, 38
                                  Jim Maloney, 78
                    June 3: 
Rafael Nadal, 32
                                  Jim Gentile, 84
                                  Raul Castro, 87
Deaths:
                Eleanor Roosevelt, 133
               
Linda Smigiel Shireman Frans, 67
                Laraya Hill, 12
               
Portcia L'Tanya "PP Baby Baby" Palmer, 62 [sorry; we misspelled "Portchia" as "Portia" last week]
                Betty Jean Darst Peerenboom, 84
                                                                             [Louisville Courier-Journal]
sonyaren.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, May 18, 2018, call Crime Stoppers, 940-322-9888, cash reward for tips leading to arrest, these fugitives should be considered armed & dangerous, Sonya Renée McClelland, 42, brown hair hazel eyes, 185 lbs, 5'11", wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) for theft o/$2,500 with 2 or more convictions
sonyaren.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, May 18, 2018, call Crime Stoppers, 940-322-9888, cash reward for tips leading to arrest, these fugitives should be considered armed & dangerous, Sonya Renée McClelland, 42, brown hair hazel eyes, 185 lbs, 5'11", wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wjeffstev.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Jeffrey Sessions, Steve Haynesichita, Kansas) for theft o/$2,500 with 2 or more convictions

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A dog was dumped at a park in Ross County, Ohio, with the words "free"
and "good home only" marked on its body. . . . A tree fell on a car carry-
ing two television newsmen covering a storm in Polk County, North Ca-
rolina, killing them.  . . .  A semitrailer spilled 40,000 pounds of chicken
feathers
on a highway in Washington. .  .  .  A
study found that black de-
fendants received longer sentences from Republican-chosen judges than
from judges chosen by Democrats.  .  .  .  Republican Congressman
Tom
Garrett of Virginia had aides  pick  up  the  poop  of his dog, Sophie. . . .
Japan said it killed 333 whales, including 122 pregnant females, in its re-
search expedition last summer.
                                                                 [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
jeffstev.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Jeffrey Sessions, Steve Haynes
charlray.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Charles Ray Smith, WM, 40, 6'2", 250 lbs, possession of stolen property; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): April Diane Crane, WF, 40, 5'7", 120 lbs, forgery; Anastasia Christina Acosta, HF, 21, 5'4", 215 lbs, Yorkshire hog of the week, aggravated robbery, meth; Jennifer Leeann Kennedy, HF, 29, 5'3", 175 lbs, Yorks. hog runner-up, robbery; Wanted in Tom Green County, Texas: Robert David McClain Jr., 27, 5'5", 200 lbs, aggr robbery (Sedgwick & Tom Green county sheriffs, Abilene Crime Stoppers)jeffstev.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Jeffrey Sessions, Steve Haynes
charlray.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Charles Ray Smith, WM, 40, 6'2", 250 lbs, possession of stolen property; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): April Diane Crane, WF, 40, 5'7", 120 lbs, forgery; Anastasia Christina Acosta, HF, 21, 5'4", 215 lbs, Yorkshire hog of the week, aggravated robbery, meth; Jennifer Leeann Kennedy, HF, 29, 5'3", 175 lbs, Yorks. hog runner-up, robbery; Wanted in Tom Green County, Texas: Robert David McClain Jr., 27, 5'5", 200 lbs, aggr robbery (Sedgwick & Tom Green county sheriffs, Abilene Crime Stoppers)

The sports:
Will Power won the Indianapolis 500 Mile Race (Danica Pat-
rick crashed in the 68th lap). . . .

"The baseball season starts too early and ends too late,  and
  there are too many games in between."
                                                                        – Bill Veeck
Dear Eleanor:
                            I lost my husband of 45 years three years ago. My
                            longtime friend, "Grace," was very supportive and
                            included me in family dinners and outings to keep
                            me from being alone.

                            A year ago, I moved away to start a new life. Grace
                            still lives in the same town,  and is still married to a
                            verbally abusive, depressed husband.   She  told  me
                            once that she envied my freedom,  but not how I got
                            it.

                            I have met a wonderful man. We are in love and will
                            see where it goes.   When I talk to Grace,  she  never
                            asks about my life or what I am doing.   She vents at
                            length about her husband,  her  marriage,  and  other
                            things in her life. I think she liked it when I was mis-
                            erable.  Now that I'm happy I don't really want to see
                            Grace any more.  She's using me as someone she can
                            unload on  and,  in  my  opinion,  that's  not  friendly.
                            What should I do?  Keep avoiding her?   I don't want
                            to confront her;  but if I need to,  I would like to do it
                            in the best way.

                                                                                                Moving On
Dear Movie:
                            Friends, shmiends.  Who needs 'em?


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Twitter"
        titled "Follow Norberto Ortigoza, =^.^=  gato and El Eme on Twitter!"
        and two more
messages from "Clutterbook" "Facebook" titled "See Ste-
        phen Yates's message and other notifications you've missed
."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include
Morgan Freeman.

lifederb.jpg Life Saver Dude: Is that an allergy hat, or a Kentucky Derby hat?
lifederb.jpg Life Saver Dude: Is that an allergy hat, or a Kentucky Derby hat?

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


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