Anthony Dean wrote Tues 7/24/18 @12:35 CDT:

I was amused by "Dear Eleanor." Our church choir
director  is  a Lithuanian-American woman named
"Vilma"  (that's  right,  spelled with a "V" and pro-
nounced like the "v" in "village,"  with the "i" pro-
nounced as a "long e").   One  of  the  guys  in  the
choir  insists  on  calling  her  "Wilma,"   as in The
Flintstones.  He's not a smart ass, just a dumb ass.

Stephen Yates wrote Sun 7/22/18 @10:22 CDT:

LOL,  Dear  Eleanor!   If his name is Peter,  you can
call him Pyotr;  Alex can  call  him  Peedro, Yvonne
can call  him Petrol,  and  Jane  can  call him  Petesy
(or Pesty).  If his name is Stephen,  you can call him
Steffon; Alex can call him Stepson, Yvonne can call
him Stempy,  and Jane can call him late for dinner.

 The bleeding animal hearts organization care2 hopes that the first pig wrest-
 ling contest at the Kosciuszko County Fair  in Warsaw,  Indiana,  will be the
 last  one;  but it appears to us that this guy is in Hog Heaven.  There's  video
 at the care2.com site.
                                                [photo above courtesy Goshen (Indiana) News]

tocdiane.jpg South Bend's Most Wanted: Toccara Anderson, BF, 5'11", 245 lbs, domestic battery (and a Yorkshire hog); Diane Peterson, WF, 5'7", 140 lbs, cocaine; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Destiny Samone Martin, BF, poss. of stolen credit card (not our photo); Lori Lynn Woods, BF, possession of stolen credit card; Shirley Jean Washington, BF, assault with a dangerous weapon; Rickey Arister Williams, BM, interference with electronic communication causing injury (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Right to Life sued the Lafayette city bus company for violation of free speech
for not allowing it to post ads picturing speaking fetuses. . . .

"Keep Dayton Small" signs dotted the streets of a little town (pop. 1,600) east
of Lafayette  threatened with a planned subdivision of 109 new homes.

                                                                             [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Dumb news from Kentucky:           Caitlion O'Neill, of New Or-           leans,   Louisiana,   a  recent           contestant on Jeopardy,  was           reported  to have  been  born           in  Edmonson  County,  Ken-           tucky. . . .

          

Someone was kidnapping garden gnomes and stealing dec-
orative plants all over Louisville.
                                                                  [courtesy WDRB]

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "He lives in Silent Grove, Kentucky, right next door to the   Mammoth Cave National Drive-Through." – Leonard Simon

A scantily clad waitress in Savannah, Georgia, was pawed  on  the  butt  by a passing male patron,  and she grabbed the man by his shirt  and threw him  a- gainst a wall.  There's video! . . . Rural Lee County, pop. 25,000, will be the first in Virginia (bordering Kentucky,  Tennessee and North Carolina)  to  arm its teachers. . . . "Bird  Scooters"  were grounded in Missouri  and about be be  banned  in  Boston.  . . .

Stormy Daniels' husband filed for divorce. .  .  . A 19-year-old Mormon
missionary taking whale-watch selfies in Australia  fell  off  a cliff  and
died. . . . Air India business-class seats advertised at $4,000 were found
infested with bedbugs. . . . Demi Lovato OD'd   (Britney Spears did not
– Lindsey Lohan did not – Jessica Simpson did not –  Ashlee  Simpson
did not – Ashley Olsen did not – Mary-Kate Olsen did not). . . . A zoo-
keeper in Cairo, Egypt, painted stripes on donkeys to make zebras.

                                                              [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

                 

ambchris.jpg Sought in SanAngelo: Christina Nicole McGuirre, WF (sic), 32, 5'4", 150 lbs, burglary; Amber Dawn Barrerra, WF, 35, 5'8", 180 lbs, theft of firearm (Tom Green County Sheriff); Wanted in Waco: Lori Lynn Caress, WF, 43, 5'6", 230 lbs and a shoo-in for Yorkshire hog of the week, prob. viol. (theft of firearm) (City of Waco)

cruzgail.jpg Locked up in San Angelo: Cruz Montez, 61, mischievous communication; Gail Word, 28; Monica Juarez, 25; Brina Acevedo, ; Ashley Nelson, 35; Priscilla Saldana, 23; Littlesnow Garcia, 31; These alleged perps are among some 80 persons booked into the Tom Green County (Texas) Jail in a two-week period earlier this month. If there are no charges listed, that means the Sheriff didn't say or we couldn't understand his shorthand

agalindo.jpg Ashley Galindo, 31, parole viol. (drug paraphernalia); Sherry Posey, 43, exp. reg. no ins., drug paraph., FTAx4; Brittany Lavere, 26; Kendra Teschendorf, 38, parole viol.; Janie Saldana, 30, theft, bail jumping, Cheryl Briske, 25, forgery; Candice Smith, 24, assault; Christopher Brooks, 22, sexual assault on a child

heatmeli.jpg Heather Brown, 29, theft; Melissa Bartlett, 35, inhalant paraphernalia; Terri Hackney, 36, DWI; Jedidiah Watson, 29, assault with a deadly weapon; Amanda Olgun, 30, assault on a public servant; Whitney Clark, 31, theft; Sarah Adams, 29, sale of alcohol to minors

Pussy Riot took over the World Cup, and Russia
took over Pussy Riot. . . . Triple  Crown  winner
Justify,  who never competed in a horse race be-
fore this year, and never lost a race (he won six),
retired.

  

abwawich.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Michael John Luna, HM, 27, 5'11", 180 lbs, solicitation of a minor on line; Krystin Michele Herron, WF, 33, 5'8", 200 lbs (and a Yorkshire hog), meth; (Abilene Crime Stoppers); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Hannah Louise Southworth, a/k/a Nicole Love, WF, 28, 5'1", 170 lbs, prob. viol. (burglary); Josh Shane Norton, WM, 43, 5' 9", 140 lbs, controlled substance possession (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

 

jeffjesu.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls, Tesas (not Wichita, Kansas): Jeffrey Robert Mclver, 24, 127 lbs, 5'6", violation of probation, possession of controlled substance pg2 o/4g - u/400; Jesus Saavedra, 47, 170 lbs, 5'6", PR bond canceled posesssion of controlled substance pg1 o/1g - u/4; elshamac.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Elsha Lenser, 51, 135 lbs, 5'4", surety off bond, theft of property u/$1500 with two or more previous; Mackezia Zhane Sillemon, 24, 176 lbs, 5'4", violation of probation, theft of property u/$2,500 with two or more previous

Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns- ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers lined up for meetings in the near future include  Emelia  Holden, the new Vamp of Savannah  (bye,  bye,  Hard-Hearted Hannah).

lifexist.jpg Existential threat: Hand over the money, or I'll explain the absurdity of all human activity Life Saver Dude: Scare me, dude!

Publius Leget wrote Sun 7/15/18 @09:07 CDT:

Your Wimbledon math looks spot-on.

Thanks,  but it may contain a false premise:   The number of
serves by Djokovic,  251,  was  an  estimate.  We looked and
looked for the actual number and did not find it.  Tennis stat-
isticians are not as persnickety,  it seems,  as baseball statisti-
cians.    – Editor

Fred Dean wrote Sun 715/18 @16:39 PDT, re Stormy Daniels:

You go, girl!

Amanda Logsdon wrote Tues 7/17/18 @ 14:36 CDT:

If Vladimir Putin was quoted in Helsinki saying the Rus-
sians  had  no role  in hacking the 2016 U.S. election and
was not promoting any particular candidate, why do tran-
scripts of the press conferences show him saying "Yes,  I
did"  to  the  question "Did you want Trump to win the e-
lection,  and  did you direct any of your officials  to  help
him do that?"  Here are two transcripts and a replay:

• Irish Times
• National Public Radio
• RealClearPolitics.com (go to 32.35)
  

The Pierogi Fest of Whiting reached a trademark settlement with
the Pierogi Festival of Edwardsville, Pennsylvania. . . .

The family whose nine members were killed in the Missouri boat
accident were from Indiana.
                                                        [courtesy Columbus Republic]

kintzkis.jpg South Bend's most wanted: David Kintz, WM, 5'8", 190 lbs, arson; Kristin Hurley, WF, 5'7", 130 lbs, receiving stolen prop.; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Zachary Alan Lee, WM, larceny in a building; Wanda Francis-Blue Caldwell, BF, larceny from a person; Alexander James Horton, WM, home invasion (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Papa  John  had second thoughts about his resignation
(and hired Harvey Weinstein's Hollywood lawyer). . . .

A video of workers hitting,  kicking and throwing pigs
at a Simpson County farm prompted authorities to sus-
pend its international shipments. . . .

Nearly  200  geese  were eliminated from a Lexington
cemetery (funny way to spell "killed": "euthanized"). . . .

A man who worked for a Styrofoam cup manufacturer
in Horse Cave pleaded guilty to  placing  glass  shards
in the cups, found in restaurants in Ohio, Kentucky and
Indiana.
                                                            [courtesy LEX18]

clarnita.jpg Lexington's most wanted are back: Clarnita Williams, BF, 55, 5'8", 160 lbs, hair care scam; Bailey Wilson, BM, 22, 6'1", 150 lbs, Dago impersonation; Monique Cherry, WF, 34, 5'4", 100 lbs, up to her ears in no good; Whitney Gravitt, WF, 29, 5'4", 130 lbs, tried to pass as Britni; John Peel, WM, 49, 6'0", 250 lbs, featured fugitive of the week, incest, sodomy (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

 
  Editor's  note:   We discovered the Perps of Paducah in a search for Kentucky perpetrators of crime
  only after the Herald-Leader's Lexington's Most Wanted site failed us a couple of weeks ago.   The
  McCracken County Sheriff has great perp photos, but very little information – no heights, weights,
  aliases, tattoos, or even charges brought against those sought and arrested in all but the latest cases.
  The McCracken County Sheriff's earlier perps site is a  Clutterbook  Facebook  page,  showing pix
  of perps from a year ago.  Some may even have been found not guilty by now. So we're giving you
  only names and ages, not crimes (and suggesting Yorkshire hogs only by appearances).   

padperp1.jpg Jonita Webb, 27; Diane R. Rudd, 62; Christine M. Riley, 34; Steven Lee Harris, 49 (McCracken County Sheriff)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "Excuse me miss, but might I ask, would you like to spend the night   tied up in the back seat of my car?" – Leonard Simon

Borf 's weekly BONUS:          Zsa Zsa, a 9-year-          old  English  bull-          dog,  won the Ug-          liest Dog  Contest          in Petaluma,  Cal-          ifornia.       Check          out the losers. . . .

A jaguar escaped its cage and killed eight other animals  at a zoo in New
Orleans, Louisiana. . . . Eight black rhinos died after being relocated to a
new national park in Kenya. .  .  . A Houston, Texas, woman who offered
her  2-year-old daughter for sex for  $1,200  was sentenced to 40 years in
prison  (that's one year for each $30 – please check the math, Bruce). . . .
Missouri upped its minimum age for marriage to 16. . . . A man who had
not cut the fingernails on his left hand  since  1952  donated them to Rip-
ley's Believe It Or Not Odditorium. .  .  . A day care owner in Minneapo-
lis,  Minnesota,  got only 10 years for trying to hang a 16-month-old boy
and hitting a pedestrian, a bicyclist and another driver as  she  fled  from
her home in a minivan  after her crime was discovered by another child's
father.  . . . White House chief of staff John Kelly was reported upset be-
cause he expected a full breakfast in Brussels July 11 but  got  only  pas-
tries and cheese.  . . . Police were called on a black boy delivering news-
papers in Columbus, Ohio, in his sock feet. . . . A woman wearing a Pu-
erto Rican flag shirt in a park in Chicago, Illinois, was accused of being
un-American. . . . A woman and her mechanic (not her husband) died of
carbon monoxide poisoning while fucking in her running car  in her gar-
age in Newark, New Jersey.

                              [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, HuffPost, Raw Story, AP]

christon.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Christopher Scott, Nicol, WM, 45, 6'1", 145 lbs, scars on face and left foot, theft, burglary; Erin Nicole Goldsmith, WF, 29, a/k/a Haigler, 5'3", 132 lbs, tattoos on chest, right angkle, shoulder & wrist, left shoulder, aiding escape; Tammie Christine Wiebe, WF, a/k/a Tammi C. Faughn, Tammi C. Taylor, 5' 7', 155 lbs, tattoo on stomach, theft; Dontrele Dwane Black Sr., 27, 5'8", 175 lbs, tattoos on left wrist, right arm & chest, opiates & paraphernalia; (Sedgwick County Shierff)

            A bit of an explanation may be due here,  as it was above re the Perps of Paducah:  For years,
            the Tom Green County Sheriff's web site has carried the same most wanted perps  for several
            years.  But last week it introduced a new feature on the main page,  "Inmate  –  last booking,"
            that changes more often than once a day.  So these are the latest inmates.  They were a bit dif-
            ficult to track until we found an "Inmate Roster" subpage, which is updated at least hourly.

ogalindo.jpg Nabbed in Tom Green County, Texas: Morning Ogden (not Utah), WF, 27, failure to spay; Nancy Galindo, WF, 31, drug paraphernalia; Beatrice Cortez, WF, 74, theft, trespass; Keesha Magallen, 33, mobery; Britney Castillo, WF, 37, mobery in the 17th degree (county sheriff)

lifether.jpg There: They told me not to go, but I went anyway Life Saver Dude: And you keep going there

The recently fired chief executive of South Bend's bus system
was found to have had $61,374 in public-paid travel expenses
in 2017 and to have spent nearly half his time out of the city. . . .

A $5,000 reward was offered for information leading to the kil-
ler of two horses shot to death in Putnam County.

                                                       [courtesy Columbus Republic]

keturahm.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Keturah Morrison,WF, 5'3", 145 lbs, possession of narcotics, legend drug injection device; Ryan McDonald, WM, 6'1", 189 lbs, possession of legend drug injection device; Berrien County, Michigan's: Rudy Ranier White, BM, fleeing police in a vehicle (Michiana Crime Stoppers); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Marie Ann McDonald-Moses, WF, 40, 5'9", 180 lbs, leg tattoo, probation violation (aggravated battery); Quevin Quashawn Price, BM, 19, a/k/a Quevin Quesean Price, 5'5", 130 lbs, probation viol. (theft, burglary) (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

Twenty-five dogs, 16 cats and 11 opossums  were  re-
moved from the mobile home of a Carter County man
arrested on 560 counts of animal cruelty;  a llama and
a goat were euthanized. . . .

A Lexington woman who has had a license plate saying
"PRAY4" for eight years was asked to turn it in. . . .

Senator Yertel McTurtle was chased by immigration pro-
testers from two restaurants in Louisville over the week-
end. . . .

John  Schnatter,  founder  of Papa John's pizza  who  re-
signed as its CEO a few months ago in a flap over black
athletes who took to their knees in the playing of the Na-
tional Anthem, now has resigned as board chairman and
from the University of Louisville board of trustees  in  a
new flap over his saying, "Colonel Sanders called blacks
'niggers' " (and the name of the university football's  Pa-
pa John's Cardinal Stadium was being changed). . . .

                                                             [courtesy LEX18]

But a writer for the Louisville Courier-Journal  question-
ed whether the Colonel used the "N word."  His business
successor, former Kentucky Governor John Y. Brown Jr.,
said he never heard it from Sanders;  and Sanders biogra-
pher  Josh  Ozersky,  who found Sanders totally unpreju-
diced,  wrote that Sanders  said  "Negro"  until  informed
that that was offensive.
                                                [courtesy Courier-Journal]

carolynd.jpg Louisville's most wanted: Carolyn Denise Marshall, BF, 36, 5'1", 200 lbs, Yorkshire hog of the week, tampering with monitor; Charles Joseph Ledet, BM, 62, 6'4", 190 lbs, coveting Carolyn (Louisville Metro Police Department); Paducah's: Olivia D. Covert, WF, 32, failure to pay child support; Dustin J. Greer, WM, 36, crystal meth (McCracken County Sheriff)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "For the love of Pete and all things holy,  if you can't say  'nigger,'  'sand nigger,' 'white trash,' 'queer' or 'cunt,' how will we teach our  children?" – Leonard Simon

A 92-year-old woman in Maricopa County, Arizona, shot and killed her
72-year-old son who was trying to put her in a  nursing  home  (she was
arrested for murder). . . . A woman in Dallas, Texas,  shot a carjacker in
the head as he tried to drive off in her SUV with her  two children in the
back seat (the man lived, and was arrested). . . . Starbucks was transitio-
ning from plastic straws to "sippy cups." .  .  . IHOP  (Infernal House of
Puttycakes?)  announced that its recent name change to IHOb was just a
lie to promote its hamburgers. . . . Stormy Daniels was arrested at a strip
club in Columbus, Ohio, for letting patrons touch her.  .  .  .  Scarlett Jo-
hansson backed out of her movie role as a "trans man."

                                                                 [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

Germany's Angelique Kerber  grunted  her  way  past  Serena
Williams to her first Wimbledon tennis title.  Novak Djokovic
and Kevin Anderson  grunted  like women on their way to the
men's final, which you can see and hear today on TV (too bad
Djokovic's opponent, Rafael Nadal, did not make it; he grunts
even more often and louder than Serena).

The men's semifinals were worser than baseball.  Both  matches
involved  extended  fifth  sets  (the final set cannot end in a "tie-
breaker" playoff at Wimbledon).  Anderson and John Isner grun-
ted their way through a 99-game match,  with  three tie-breakers
in the first three sets and 50 games in the final set,  won  by  An-
derson 26-24.  It took 6½ hours, longer than the longest baseball
game in the Major Leagues this year (5:18, two days, Marlins 2,
Cubs 1,  in  17  innings,  at Miami).   Djokovic's win over Nadal
took 5 hours and only 17 minutes  (final set was 10-8),  but Djo-
kovic  bounced  the ball  for 10 to 15 seconds before each of his
251 serves (that's nearly an hour in  itself –  did we get the math
right, Bruce?  251x12 = 3,012 seconds ÷ 60 = 50.2 minutes).

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 7/1/18 @05:51 PDT re 8,000 ÷ 800
= 100:

    Flunked math, did ya?  Looks closer to 10 to me.

Actually we got a D-.  The actual barrel loss was closer to
9,000; so 9,000 ÷ 800 = 11.25 barrels per fish.  Update.    – Editor

And Bruce wrote:

Where be the copy editor?  It’s women, not woman.

We got a D+ in English.    – Ed.

Cousin Connie wrote Sun 7/1/18 @09:01 EDT: Sorry, your measly 800 liquor soaked little bluegills  are  no  comparison  to the Boca Grande fish kill in the Gulf of Mexico. Stephen Yates wrote Sun 7/1/18 @09:01 CDT:

You need not mourn the belly-bloated bluegills  nor
the bourbon,  either  one,  in the Barton 1792  whis-
key spill!  Just enjoy the premarinated fish fry at all
the stands on Bardstown Road!

And, chiming in with Bruce' grammatical criticism,
is this a sentence?  "The Mayor of Fishers was wor-
king from a table and chair in the City Hall hallway
as he gave his office to five interns recently gradua-
ted from high school and their cell phones,  laptops,
backpacks and energy drinks for the summer."

Would this be more intelligible?  "The Mayor of Fishers was
working from a table and chair  in the City Hall hallway  for
the summer as he gave his office to five interns recently gra-
duated from high school and their cell phones, laptops, back-
packs and energy drinks for the summer."   Most of it,  inclu-
ding "and their cell phones" etc., was a direct quotation from
the Columbus Republic.  We did get a D+.   – Ed.

Etta Jean Darrig wrote Mon 7/2/18 @9:06 CDT:

In last week's quotation of the week, shouldn't "son-of-
a-bitch"  have  been  capitalized?  It was a reference to
God, after all.

OK, OK, Ms. Darrig, you are hired, as our copy editor / proof-
reader / grammarian-in-chief!  You  will  have  Mr.  Mitchell's
and Mr. Yates' e-mail addresses, for consultation;  and we will
give you their telephone numbers as well.    – Ed.

Dumb news from Indiana:          Trump-shaped orange ecstasy pills were seized          by state police in northern Indiana,  along with          LSD and cocaine. . . .          A Hoosier caught the flu from a pig at a county          fair  (the county,  the Hoosier  and the pig were          not identified). . . .

A 10,560-piglet farm was declared "industrial" and denied farm
zoning  in Delaware County.
                                                      [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Christ Church Cathedral,  Indianapolis' Catholic church on Mon-
ument Circle, put Joseph, Mary and Jesus in a chain link cage in
protest of the detention of child immigrants.

                                                           [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

branjosh.jpg Indianapolis' most wanted: Brandon Montgomery, WM, 5'11", 180 lbs, battery on a person less than 14; Joshua Zollman, WM, 6'1", 175 lbs, domestic battery; Miguel Deloya-Juarez, race unknown (sic), 5' 9", 220 lbs, robbery; Tyrone Toles, BM, 5'8", 200 lbs, attempted murder (Crime Stoppers Central Indiana); South Bend's: Isaias Ibarra, HM, 5'5", 120 lbs, probation violation (domestic battery); Berrien County, Michiggan's: Martzee Danyel Roberts, BM, assault w/intent to do great bodily harm less than murder, larceny in a building (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:         Tess Talley,  of Johnson County,         Kentucky, was scorched on "so-         cial media" for this photo of her         and a rare black giraffe  she kil-         led  on a hunt  in  South  Africa.         Actress  Debra  Messing  called          her a "disgusting,  vile,  amoral,          heartless, selfish murderer." She          even received death threats. . . .

Senator Rand Paul said he and his family were threat-
ened by a man with an ax in Leitchfield (which is not
in western Kentucky,  as  reported  by the Associated
Press, but 26 miles north of Borf Books and Browns-
ville in south central Kentucky – "Western Kentucky
University" also is not in western Kentucky,  but  26
miles southwest of Brownsville  in  Bowling  Green,
where Senator Paul resides). . . .

A Tennessee man who illegally entered a  bison  pre-
serve at the Land Between the Lakes recreation area
was rammed by – a bison. . . .

The rest of  the  Barton  1792  warehouse  collapsed in
Bardstown,  spilling  120,000  gallons of whiskey  into
retention ponds (which would be only about 2,200 bar-
rels at an average of 53 gallons a barrels – please check
the  math,  Bruce – hardly the 18,000 barrels previously
reported;  who  knows?).  No  further  stream  pollution
nor fish kill was reported  (see  also  the more extensive
Louisville Courier-Journal report, with many great pix). . . .

The Lexington - Fayette County  Health  Commission
was receiving complaints about the Red Hen restaur-
ant in Lexington, Virginia.
                                                              [courtesy LEX18]

kitcouch.jpg Wanted in Lexington (Kentucky, not Massachusetts): Christopher Brown, WM, 39, 6'0", 185 lbs, mobery, fraud, theft, parole violation; Leslie Couch, WF,35, 5'4", 130 lbs, meth & heroin (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Rachel Marie Guoladdle, WF, 44, 5'1", 160 lbs, prob. viol. (theft); Robert Welsh, WM, 58, 6'0", 165 lbs, narcotics (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

Bumper sticker seen on Strawberry Lane in Louisville:  "One bathroom!"

Classic Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said June 7, 2015): "I've met the perfect woman;   I couldn't ask for more:   She's deaf, dumb and blind,   And she owns a liquor store." – Leonard Simon

President Strump proposed the FART act. . . . Fans were going  "Ape  Shit"
over Jay-Z and Beyondsay's Beyoncé's candidate for "song of the summer."
. . . A woman "health care professional" was arrested in the deaths of eight
babies at a hospital in Chester, England. . . . Ordered to appear in court for
a deportation hearing, a 3-year-old climbed up on counsel table.  .  .  . Mis-
souri State University professor Alicia Walker stopped soliciting photos of
penises  for her study on self-esteem,  stating that public reaction had com-
promised the reliability of the responses she was getting.  . . .  A CVS drug
store security guard in Brooklyn, New York, was sentenced to four years in
prison for taking nude photos of teen-age female shoplifters in exchange for
not calling the police. .  .  . Three rhinoceros poachers were killed and eaten
by lions at a nature preserve in South Africa. . . . A Texas newspaper trying
to post fragments of the Declaration of Independence on Clutterbook Face-
book for July 4 was thwarted by certain phrases (including "merciless Indi-
an savages") being flagged as hate speech.  .  .  .  Philippines President Ro-
drigo Duterte promised he would resign  if anyone could prove to him that
God exists. . . . "Miss" Spain,  Angela Ponce,  will be the first "transgender
woman" to compete for Miss Universe.
                                                                      [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
   

wideeyes.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Juan "Wide Eyes" Vasquez Jr., HM, 47, 5'10", 220 lbs, indecency w/a child; Betty Carol "Left Eye" Burleson, BF, 50, 5'0", 150 lbs, forgery, indecency w/ Juan; Clarissa Devon "Left Eye" Fobbs, BF, 34, 5'5", 205 lbs, injury to elderly, Yorkshire hog of the week (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

      Brazilian fighter Gabi Garcia weighed in at 237 pounds,         And her opponent, Shindobu Kan-
      28 pounds over the limit.                                                           dori, 53,  of Japan,  at 162 pounds,
                                                   You might enjoy the video.           got a little upset.

lifecraw.jpg Life Saver Dude: Caw & Order "Murder of crows?"

A plaque commemorating Elvis Presley's final concert,  seven
weeks before his death in 1977 at Indianapolis' Market Square
Arena – removed when the fieldhouse became an office-apart-
ment-retail tower in 2002  – was  being  restored  by fans who
raised $10,000 for the purpose. . . .

A 14-year-old boy was killed by a falling basketball goal and
backboard at a gymnasium in Granger. . . .

A city councilman was promoting an ordinance  to  ban  dogs
from downtown festivals in Crown Point. . . .

A 157-year-old historic mansion was being purchased by the city
of Fishers, near Indianapolis, to be moved to the center of a new
traffic "roundabout." . . .

A child fired a gun he found in a couch at an IKEA store in Fish-
ers  (an earlier customer had sat on the couch,  and  the  gun  had
fallen out of his clothing).  No one was hit. . . .

The Mayor of Fishers was working from a table and chair in the
City Hall hallway as he gave his office to  five  interns  recently
graduated from high school and their cell phones, laptops, back-
packs and energy drinks for the summer.

                                                      [courtesy Columbus Republic]

farabeek.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Amanda Farabee, WF, 5'2", 100 lbs, forgery; Kevin Tarraf, WM, 6'0", 175 lbs, domestic battery; Jessica Marie Bowker, WF, possession of stolen credit card (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:         Cherish  Rednour, 41,  a         Menifee County  middle         school  teacher,  was  ar-         rested for snorting drugs         in class. . . .

An Indiana man  lying  naked  was arrested in in a yard in
Magoffin County proclaiming that he might be Jesus. . . .

A Sazerac  distillery  warehouse  collapsed  in  Bardstown,
dumping whiskey into a creek that killed  800  fish  (it was
not reported what creek or what kind of whiskey  – Sazerac
produces a number of brands of bourbon,  including  1792,
Eagle Rare, Old Taylor and Very Old Barton),  and the liq-
ueur Southern Comfort (some bleeding hearts, like the Edi-
tor's  cousin  Connie,  will be mourning the loss of the fish;
but we at Tabloid Headlines  are  mourning  the  loss of the
bourbon).
                                                                   [courtesy LEX18]

Oops!  The Louisville Courier-Journal  reported  that  it  was
Sazerac's "Barton 1792" warehouse, and that more than 8,000
barrels were spilled  (do the math –that's 100 barrels per dead
fish).  But we still don't know what got away, folks – Sazerac
does not list a "Barton 1792" brand.

There will be a surprise 75th birthday party for Carol Sue Dur-
bin on Saturday, June 30, at the Park City Senior Center.

                                     [discourtesy Edmonson News, June 27]

Spotted on Strawberry Lane in Louisville:  A "Yield" sign at a
railroad crossing.

nicalbin.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Nicholas Albino, WM, 42, 5'9", 155 lbs, raccoon rape; Jacqueline Meade, WF, 42, 5'8", 140 lbs, "featured fugitive of the week," robbery 2°; Jerry Arnett, WM, 34, 6'0", 180 lbs, unlawful tattoo; Caleb Blakeman, WM, 22, 5'10", 175 lbs, Pug; Crystal Fain, WF, 37, 5'2", 100 lbs, sap; Ronnie McDowell, WM, 52, 5'9", 159 lbs, fuzzy (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Classic Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said March 8, 2015): "I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll be glad to look at it."  – Leonard Simon

                                

The Laura Ingalls Wilder Award for children's literature was renamed the
Children's Literature Legacy Award because of Wilder's portrayal  of  In-
dians – oops!  Native  Americans,  we  mean! – as  inhuman  in her Little
House on the Prairie series. . . . A French priest who slapped a crying ba-
by in a baptism was suspended. . . . Burger King employers in St. Francis-
ville, Louisiana, told two cops ordering at the drive-through window  that
they were out of burgers  (and chicken). . . . Burger  King  Russia  offered
woman impregnated by World Cup players 3 million rubles and a lifetime
of Whoppers. . . . A 62-year-old man was arrested in Cobb County, Geor-
gia, for dialing 911 more than 100 times in three years - in one of the calls
he asked police to bring him his milk, his remote and his cell phone.  .  .  .
Beach bathers at Pensacola, Florida, were warned of stinging sea lice. . . .
Lindsay Lohan was returning to reality TV with a program based on a club
club she owns in Greece. . . . Toys R Us closed its last store.

                                                                    [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

keganjam.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Kegan L. Parks, BM, 30, a/k/a Timothy Mac Adams, Kegan Lemondez, 6'0", 165 lbs, tattoos "EST '88," left hand, "Ariel" & "Parks Family," chest, "God's gift," right shoulder, burglary; Jamielea Jo Shaffer, WF, 28, 5'4", 120 lbs, probation violation on multiple felony charges; Emerson Isaiah Noble, BM, 19, 6', 140 lbs, tattoo on right shoulder, probation violation (robbery) (Sedgwick County Sheriff)