December 30, 2018:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids  while  waiting  for your wife at the counter  in  the  supermarket –
    the week's headlines:

Jesus (Life magazine); Jesse James (National Geographic History magazine); JonBenet murder finally solved (In Touch); Frankie Valli's secret Mafia ties (Examiner); Ellen, 61, gets $1 million new face (Globe); Found! the man who fathered the traagic Caylee Anthony (Enquirer); Julie Andrews' bitter feud with new Mary Poppins (Globe); Brad & Angie secret divorce files leaked, 3 kids "never want to see Dad again" (Enquirer)
Jesus (Life magazine); Jesse James (National Geographic History magazine); JonBenet murder finally solved (In Touch); Frankie Valli's secret Mafia ties (Examiner); Ellen, 61, gets $1 million new face (Globe); Found! the man who fathered the traagic Caylee Anthony (Enquirer); Julie Andrews' bitter feud with new Mary Poppins (Globe); Brad & Angie secret divorce files leaked, 3 kids "never want to see Dad again" (Enquirer)
LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Fred Dean wrote Sun 12/23/18 @10:07 PST re "Jizzing Christmas":
What the fuck?  That's a public display?
We're not sure.  What can you tell us, Jan, about the penis palms
at Mar-a-Lago?

Dumb news from Indiana:
Ten thousand turkeys were killed in a barn fire in Daviess County.

                                                                                [courtesy LEX18]

A Portage veterinarian  refused a "convenience euthanasia" request
for two dogs, pointer Sam and Lab mix Cosmo, by an owner recent-
ly divorced and moving in with a girl friend allergic  to  dogs  (they
found new homes in Illinois).
                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

drewbank.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Andrew Blankenship, W (sic) M, 5'7", 160 lbs, auto theft; Joshua Wardlow, BM, 5'10", handgun w/o license;; Alfonso Zuniga, HM, 5'0", 195 lbs, meth,marijuana, DUI, no license; Daniel Ciula, WM, 5'6", 170 lbs, meth; David Weaveer, BM, 5'10", 180 lbs, meth, gun w/o lic.,coke
drewbank.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Andrew Blankenship, W (sic) M, 5'7", 160 lbs, auto theft; Joshua Wardlow, BM, 5'10", handgun w/o license;; Alfonso Zuniga, HM, 5'0", 195 lbs, meth,marijuana, DUI, no license; Daniel Ciula, WM, 5'6", 170 lbs, meth; David Weaveer, BM, 5'10", 180 lbs, meth, gun w/o lic.,coke
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Kentucky's longest-serving sheriff to retire
    Jerry "Peanuts" Gaines, Warren County, after 40 years . . . .
                                                                                                       [courtesy LEX18 –
funny way to spell "retire" – he was defeated
in his bid for re-election in November]

A man was arrested in London, Ky., for throwing a ham at his girl
friend in an argument over which day to have Christmas dinner. . .
.

Babies born Christmas Eve at Baptist Hospital in Louisville were
wrapped in Christmas stockings and Santa caps. . . .

A cow took a dip in a neighbor's backyard swimming pool Christ-
mas Day in Sharpsburg.
                                              [courtesy LEX18]


angelato.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Angela Hendrix, WF, 39, 5'5", 125 lbs, cocaine desire; Samantha bush, WF, 24, connecton failed; Teresa Pike, WF, 49, gave up; Sarah ball, WF, 36, 5'6", 100 lbs, Yorkshire hog wannabe; Tobeisha Denton, BF, 39, bond revocation (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
angelato.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Angela Hendrix, WF, 39, 5'5", 125 lbs, cocaine desire; Samantha bush, WF, 24, connecton failed; Teresa Pike, WF, 49, gave up; Sarah ball, WF, 36, 5'6", 100 lbs, Yorkshire hog wannabe; Tobeisha Denton, BF, 39, bond revocation (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
Quotation of the week:
                                          "I believe life is too serious to be taken seriously."
                                                                                                                                – Ray Bradbury
Quotations of the weak
:
                                            "Here's to whomever said ' .. . . ' . . . ."
                                                                                                               – Zaxby's comme
rcial
                                      " . . . an-ON-ym-i-ty . . . .."
                                                                                     Ron Elving, National Public Radio
            "The Centers for Disease Control says . . . ."
                                                                                        – Jim Hawk, NPR
Quotations of the Wheat:
"I have not yet seen or heard my name and 'intelligent' in the same
 sentence, and I am getting a little impatient
."
– Leonard Simon
deplorbs.jpg Deplorables lookalikes: Bad Idea jeans family, Trump & Melanis
deplorbs.jpg Deplorables lookalikes: Bad Idea jeans family, Trump & Melanis

Birthdays:
                    December 24:  Mary Barra, 57
                                             Jeff Sessions, 72
                                            
Mary Higgins Clark, 91
                                             Hamid Karzai, 61
                    December 25: 
Justin Trudeau, 47
                                            
Rickey Henderson, 60
                                            
Sissy Spacek, 69
                                            
Merry Clayton, 70
                                            
Jimmy Buffett, 72
                                             Larry Csonka, 72
                                             Humphrey Bogart (1899-1957)

                                             what's-his-name (4 B.C. - 26 A.D.)
                   
December 26:  David Sedaris, 62
                                             Phil Spector, 79
                                             Kitty Dukakis, 82
                                             Steve Allen (1921-2000)
                                             Mao Tse-tung (1893-1976)
                    December 27:  Karla Bonoff, 67
                                             Tracy Nelson, 74 (this one, not that one)
                                             Elizabeth Smart (1913-1986 – this one, not that one)
                    December 28:  Edgar Winter, 72
                    December 29:  Yvonne Elliman, 67
                                             Marianne Faitfhfull, 72
                    December 30: 
LeBron James, 34
                                             A.J. Pierzynski, 42
                                             Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods, 43
                                             Patti Smith, 72
                                             Michael Nesmith, 76
                                             Sandy Koufax, 83
Deaths:
                Amos Oz, 79
                Shirley Curley, 81
               
Mildred Hardesty Williams Harrington. 84
                                                                                        [Louisville Courier-Journal]

nguyenvi.jpg Locked up in San Angeloe (by the Tom Green (Texas) County Sheriff): Ashley Perez, 30, burglary; Brandy Mendoza, 34, theft; Christy Reyna, 36, possession; Courtney O'Callaghan, 37, theft; Marjorie Day, 37, bad check; Vivien Nguyen, 19, marijuana; Hannah Powers, 31, family viol.
nguyenvi.jpg Locked up in San Angeloe (by the Tom Green (Texas) County Sheriff): Ashley Perez, 30, burglary; Brandy Mendoza, 34, theft; Christy Reyna, 36, possession; Courtney O'Callaghan, 37, theft; Marjorie Day, 37, bad check; Vivien Nguyen, 19, marijuana; Hannah Powers, 31, family viol.

Borf's weekly bonus:
A 23-year-old man tried to pay for a drive-thru McDonald's
order with a bag of marijuana in Port St. Lucie, Florida  (he
was arrested.  .  .  .  A
61-year-old  naked man  tore down a
neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations in Green Bay,Wis-
consin (he was arrested for public drunkenness). . . . A man
in  prison  in Colorado for killing his pregnant wife and two
children  was being flooded with love letters from other wo-
men, as were the Parkland, Florida, school shooter, the Bos-
ton Marathon bomber, and Scott Peterson. . . .China prepar-
ed for the Year of the Peppa Pig. . . .  A  Middletown,  New
York,
priest who has settled several sexual abuse cases said
in a sermon that Jesus  "understands that we’re not perfect."
.  .  . Infant kidnappings from nativity scenes around the na-
tion prompted
West Bend, Wisconsin, businessmen  to  nail
Jesus to the manger. . . . Sears was closing  80  more  stores,
including its anchor store at the Mall of America in Bloom-
ington, Minnesota.
                                            [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Harper's index:
Factor by which more Americans are murdered by by knives
than by guns:  4.  . .  . Number of states that have repealed or
weakened knife laws since 2010:  21.  . . .  Portion of Ameri-
cans  who believe all members of the armed services  should
be considered heroes: 1 in 2. . . . Germans: 1 in 7. . . . FEMA
funds transferred to ICE in 2018:  $9,800,000.  . . .  Per  cent
of American teens who  call "texting"  their  favorite  way  to
communicate:  35 .  .  .  Who call conversation in person:  32.

autumkat.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Autumn Fay fees, WF, 40, 5'4", 125 lbs.,meth and drug paraphernalia; Kathleen Marie Allen, WF, 30, 5'8", 165 lbs, burglary, theft (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
autumkat.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Autumn Fay fees, WF, 40, 5'4", 125 lbs.,meth and drug paraphernalia; Kathleen Marie Allen, WF, 30, 5'8", 165 lbs, burglary, theft (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

A Tabloid Headlines editorial:
How many 7- and 8-year-old children from Guatemala must die
before we call immigrant detention a scandal?

Dear Eleanor:
                           
Several years ago my daughter got pregnant.  She and
                            her husband were overjoyed, as was I.  Being a quilter,
                            I immediately made a baby play quilt; but before I sent
                            it, she had a miscarriage.  Later she had another miscar-
                            riage; so I have never given her the quilt, nor have I giv-
                            en it to anyone else.

                            My daughter divorced and remarried.  She and her new
                            husband don't have children  and  don't  want  any.  But
                            they  often  entertain,  and sometimes small children are
                            there with their parents.  I'll visit them in  a  few  months,
                            and I'm wondering if I should give her  the  quilt  for the
                            young ones to play with.
                                                                        Not a Grandma in Tennessee

Dear Gramnot:
                                It appears to me that you are  more  concerned  with
                                your own feelings  than  you are with for your daugh-
                                er's.  Try the Starvation Army.

The sports:
                        dreadlok.jpg
                        This is the high school wrestler in New Jer-
                        sey whose  dreadlocks  were ordered cut by
                        a referee. . . .

                    The National Football League's Oakland Raiders were re-
                    ported to be on the road again,  perhaps  to  Las Vegas  by
                    way of San Francisco.


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from
"postmaster@wincus.co.kr"
        titled "impotence medicines with no well-being risks" and two more
        messages from Clutterbook Facebook titled "See Stephen Yates's message
        and
other notifications you've missed."

lifepeta.jpg Life Saver Dude: OK, how 'bout, "This li'l piggie went to market; this li'l piggie was the market"?
lifelion.jpg Life Saver Dude: Aw, c'm'on! Not you guys, too?!

DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include Life Saver Dude.



People who invited us to be their friends on Clutterbook Facebook
last week included  karlitap.jpg 
Karlita Paiz.
                                Liceo Cristiano Zacapanec



HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" €“ Karen Crockett


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Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



December 23, 2018:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids  while  waiting  for your wife at the counter  in  the  supermarket –
    the week's headlines:

Tightwad, first degree, Scrooge busted, Grinch sought for
Tightwad, first degree, Scrooge busted, Grinch sought for questioning, Charlie Brown on monitor (Nathaniel Enquirer); J-Lo never better at 49 (People)

LETTERS to SANTA CLAUS  from  kindergartners  in Edmonson
         County, Kentucky (courtesy the Gimlet):

    Dear Santa:
I like you and you're the best guy ever!   I would like to have
a remote control car and monster truck .  I  like  you.    Merry
Christmas!
                                                                     Love, Jensen Cook

I would like to have a swimming pool and some toy cars  I have
been good.
                                                                      Love, Watt Houchin

Will you give me a present or not?   I want to know who you are
and do you have any elves?  Could you bring me a unicorn wand
and a Belle tricycle?
                                                                   Love, Caroline Keown

How is Rudolph doing?  What are you up to?  How are the elves
doing?   I need a new flash costume.  It's  two  years  ago  and  it
does not fit me.
                                                      Thanks, Santa, Jeremy Minton

I like you, Santa.  I've been good, but my brother ain't.  His name
is GAVIN.  Don't bring my mother any presents cause him's been
mean to me.   I want  REAL  HANDCUFFS  so me can arrest my
brother.   Me want another cop hat.   I have 2,  but me need anoth-
er.
                                                                   Good Bye, Ava Scholar

I  love  you.  For Christmas I want 14 Hatchimals.  Have  a  good
trip to our houses.
                                                                     Love, Hadley Garmon

I want one of them tigers like Hadley's got.
                                                                           Love, Liam White

I want one of them tigers like Hadley has.     It's called a Fur Real
Live Pet.    I love you with all my heart.
                                                                    Love, Delilah Billhartz

I  wish I had a few Nerf guns and a tiger like Hadley.  I hope your
reindeer are feeling well..
                                                                          Love, Caiden Davis

I want one of those tigers like Hadley has.
                                                                          Love, Jack Logsdon

I want one of those tigers that Hadley has.
                                                                        Love, Beralis Chacon

I want a Barbie jeep.
                                                                            Love, Alayna Roof

LETTERS to the EDITOR
Fred Dean wrote Mon 12/17/18 @08:19 PST:
Were the Lexington cops singing "Deck the Halls" during
their Fa La La shoplifting sweep?

Dumb news from Indiana:
The city of Portage agreed to pay $10,000 to the owners of a
Yorkshire terrier, Bandit,  killed by a Belgian Malinois police
dog
, Nyx, that escaped from his handler. . . .

Police in Muncie found a 7-year-old boy and his 4-year-old
brother watching Home Alone on TV while they were home
alone. . . .

A fourth hunt in five years will be allowed  at  Indianapolis'
Eagle Creek Park early next year to control the deer popula-
tion (previous hunts have harvested about 500.deer each). . . .

Neighbors who adopted a tame doe as a pet in South Milford
complained  that  a policeman tied it to a car and shot it dead
in front of children.

                                                  [courtesy Columbus Republic]
florshay.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Flora Foster, BF, 5'7", 145 lbs, criminal recklessness; Shayla Sink, WF, 5'4", 110 lbs, welfare fraud; Terrance Ford, BM, 5'8", 180 lbs, probation violation (fraud) (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
florshay.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Flora Foster, BF, 5'7", 145 lbs, criminal recklessness; Shayla Sink, WF, 5'4", 110 lbs, welfare fraud; Terrance Ford, BM, 5'8", 180 lbs, probation violation (fraud) (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Elizabethtown's WAKY radio played a two-hour marathon of five
versions of "Baby It's Cold Outside."
                                                                              [courtesy LEX18]
  horndash.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Brian Horndasch, WM, 49, 6'2", 195 lbs., impersonating B Woods; Samuel Levy, WM, 20, 6'0", 198 lbs, amish impersonation; Nicole Willis, WF, 48, 5'3", 140 lbs, stiffing her lawyer (she hadda get Gary); Zacheery Cockerham, WM, 28, 5'10", 150 lbs, hurling feces at zoo monkeys; Andrew Bennett, BM, 39, 5'11", 160 lbs, Star Trek fatality wannabe (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
horndash.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Brian Horndasch, WM, 49, 6'2", 195 lbs., impersonating B Woods; Samuel Levy, WM, 20, 6'0", 198 lbs, amish impersonation; Nicole Willis, WF, 48, 5'3", 140 lbs, stiffing her lawyer (she hadda get Gary); Zacheery Cockerham, WM, 28, 5'10", 150 lbs, hurling feces at zoo monkeys; Andrew Bennett, BM, 39, 5'11", 160 lbs, Star Trek fatality wannabe (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
dandreja.jpg Perps in Paducah: Dandre T. Porter, 36; Christian M. Sherill, 30; Ashley J. Miller, 31, FTA for restitution hearing; Sierra Scott, 19, evading arrest; Jason P. Garcia, 30 (McCracken County Sheriff)
dandreja.jpg Perps in Paducah: Dandre T. Porter, 36; Christian M. Sherill, 30; Ashley J. Miller, 31, FTA for restitution hearing; Sierra Scott, 19, evading arrest; Jason P. Garcia, 30 (McCracken County Sheriff)

Quotation of the week:
                                            "
You get into a tinkle contest with a skunk, you get tinkled
                                              all over."
                                                                  Nancy Pelosi
Quotations of the Wheat:
"I'm too pissed off to say anything."
                                                                                               – Leonard Simon

Quotation of the weak:
                                        "u need a bash brother for Chief if Staff"
                                                                                                              José Canseco, volunteering to
                                                                                                                 President Strump for the job
saraleeg.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green Cou8nty (Texas) Sheriff): Kaleem Mariano, 20, assault, family violence; Briona Paz, BF, 25, pub. drunk; Danza Valdez, WF, 21, drugs; Kimberly Peercy, WF, 25, possession, trespass; Aubrey Tatum,21, theft; Amber Labedelle, BF, 33, harassment; Keno Watkins, BM, 21, family violence; Wanted there: Sara Lee Gary, WF, 30, 5'9", 145 lbs, unauthorized absence from a correction facility (does that mean escape?)
saraleeg.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green Cou8nty (Texas) Sheriff): Kaleem Mariano, 20, assault, family violence; Briona Paz, BF, 25, pub. drunk; Danza Valdez, WF, 21, drugs; Kimberly Peercy, WF, 25, possession, trespass; Aubrey Tatum,21, theft; Amber Labedelle, BF, 33, harassment; Keno Watkins, BM, 21, family violence; Wanted there: Sara Lee Gary, WF, 30, 5'9", 145 lbs, unauthorized absence from a correction facility (does that mean escape?)
Birthdays:
                    December 17:  Pope Jorge, 82
                                             Paul Butterfield (1942-1987)

                    December 18:  Christina Aguilera, 38
                                             Katie Holmes, 40
                                            
Barkha Dutt, 47
                                            
Brad Pitt, 55
                                             Steven Spielberg, 72
                                             Keith Richards, 75
                    December 19:  Jennifer Beals, 55
                                             Janie Fricke, 71
                                             Dr. William DeVries, 75
                                             Cicely Tyson, 94
                    December 20: 
Alan Parsons, 70
                    December 21:  Emmanuel Macron, 41
                                             Chris Evert, 64
                                             Jane Fonda, 81
                    December 22:  Diane Sawyer, 73
                                             Paul Wolfowitz, 75
                                             Maurice and Robin Gibb (1949-2003, -2012)
                    December 23: 
Jorma Kaukonen, 78
                                            
Paul Hornung, 83

Deaths:

                Penny Marshall, 75
                Benjamin "Ben" Franklin, 87 (his heirs or executors paid to have his obituary run in the Lou-
                                                                 isville Courier-Journal every day from Dec.16 to Jan. 20)

Borf 's weekly bonus:
A parrot who was kicked out of an animal sanctuary for swear-
ing  was ordering  strawberries,  watermelon,  light  bulbs,  ice
cream and a kite
on his new owner's Amazon Alexa. . . . Santa
Claus ripped off his beard and ordered children to "get the fuck
out
" of a building that got a fire alarm  in  St. Ives,  Cambridge-
shire,  England. . . .  A poacher convicted  in  Springfield,  Mis-
souri,  of  killing hundreds of deer  was  ordered  to  watch  the
movie  Bambi   at least once a month  during his year-long sen-
tence.
                                                  [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]


dalontam.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Miguel J. Retiz, WM, 23, 5'11", 220 lbs, tattoos neck, left arm, right arm, right hand, aggravated battery; Brandon M. Lundry, WM, a/k/a Derrick Lundry, 19, 5'10", 195 lbs, tattoo right shoulder, aggravated battery; (Sedgwick County Sheriff); Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not . . . ): Latoria C. Wyatt, BF, 23, 5'4", 270 lbs, probation violation (deb. card abuse), and a Yorkshire hog, fer shure; Dalonta Perry, BM, 24, 6'3", 350 lbs, probation violation (evading arrest) (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)
dalontam.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Miguel J. Retiz, WM, 23, 5'11", 220 lbs, tattoos neck, left arm, right arm, right hand, aggravated battery; Brandon M. Lundry, WM, a/k/a Derrick Lundry, 19, 5'10", 195 lbs, tattoo right shoulder, aggravated battery; (Sedgwick County Sheriff); Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not . . . ): Latoria C. Wyatt, BF, 23, 5'4", 270 lbs, probation violation (deb. card abuse), and a Yorkshire hog, fer shure; Dalonta Perry, BM, 24, 6'3", 350 lbs, probation violation (evading arrest) (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)
Poetry section:
                            Beans, beans, the musical fruit,
                            The more you eat, the more you toot;
                            The more you toot, the better you feel;
                            So let's have beans at every meal!
                                                                                        Trad.

The sports:
Former National Basketball Association and National Collegiate Athletic As-
sociation  coach  Rick  Pitino,  who had to leave the University of Louisville
last year in a  shoe  scandal,  has made a deal to coach a professional team in
Greece. . . .
                                  The University of Louisville Ladybirds entertain the crowd before a game:
 ladyberd.jpg
        ladybird.jpg
                         ladybord.jpg



Dear Eleanor:
                           
My husband had three grown children before  I  mar-
                            ried him.  His two sons are successful, but his daugh-
                            ter would rather do anything but work. She has three
                            children and isn’t in touch with any  of  their  fathers.
                            We've paid for technical training,  child care  and car.
                            My stepdaughter dropped out of the training because
                            it was "too hard."  We arranged for jobs, and she did-
                            n’t bother to show up.  We stopped giving her money
                            after  it became apparent  that  all  the  "emergencies"
                            were  made  up  (we gave her rent money  and it was
                            not spent on rent).

                            She and the kids live with her maternal grandmother.
                            We visited last week with an early Christmas.   We'd
                            made sure all the grandchildren had  new  shoes  and
                            winter coats,  and we bought bikes  for the two
older
                           
boys.   But our oldest grandson let it slip that as soon
                            as we left,  his mother stripped her children of all the
                            gifts  and  tried  to return them to the store  for  cash.
                            She sold the bikes for a pittance on line. My husband
                            is furious, and I feel sick.  We don’t know what to do,
                            and every option is awful.  If we confronted, my step-
                            daughter would throw a fit.  Or take it out on the kids.
                            Or  cut us off entirely  (she has done that to her broth-
                            er and mother already).
                                                                               Mrs. Santa
Wannabee
Dear Santabe:

                              Call the fucking police. That's theft.

lifelago.jpg Life Saver Dude: Jizzing Christmas at Mar-a-Lago?
lifelago.jpg Life Saver Dude: Jizzing Christmas at Mar-a-Lago?

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from 
"<notification@facebookmail.com>"
        titled "Hank, you have more friends on
Clutterbook Facebook than  you think,"  and
       
and two more messages from Clutterbook Facebook titled "See Stephen Yates's mes-
        sage and
other notifications you've missed."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include the Grinch.



HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" €“ Karen Crockett


Previous issue

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Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



December 16, 2018:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids  while  waiting  for your wife at the counter  in  the  supermarket –
    the week's headlines:

William
      seizes throne (Globe); Casey Kasem exhumbed in new murder probe
      (Globe); Man-eater Ava Gardner's love secrets: 'Mickey Rooney
      taught me to enjoy sex!' Romance with Frank Sinatra never ended!
      (Examiner); Money-hungry Megan turns back on America, gives up
      U.S. citizenship to avoid taxes (Globe)

LETTERS to the EDITOR
Wayne Jent, a new subscriber, wrote Mon 12/10/18 @09:48 CST:
Excellent paper; I now feel up to date on matters that matter.
Can't wait till the next edition.  By the way,  I could not find
the poetry section.  I am sure it was my oversight.  See ya la-
ter, Borf – if I may call you Borf.

Dumb news from Indiana:
A 14-year-old boy shot his way  into  a  middle  school  in  Rich-
mond, where he was not enrolled, and took his own life as police
entered and exchanged fire with him. . . .

An 85-year-old Bloomington contractor died in a fall from a lad-
der  while  hanging  Christmas  lights  at the Pi Beta Phi sorority
house at Indiana University.
                                                        [courtesy Columbus Republic]

frankiet.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Frankie Thompson, WM, 5'11", 175 lbs, parole violation; Michelle Grove, WF, 5'5", 150 lbs, auto theft, DWOL; Woodrow Childers, WM, 5'4", 135 lbs, parole violation; Wendy King, BF, 5'5", 220 lbs, cocaine, Yorks. hog; Todd Betty, WM, 6'5", 220 lbs, fraud, prob. viol. (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
frankiet.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Frankie Thompson, WM, 5'11", 175 lbs, parole violation; Michelle Grove, WF, 5'5", 150 lbs, auto theft, DWOL; Woodrow Childers, WM, 5'4", 135 lbs, parole violation; Wendy King, BF, 5'5", 220 lbs, cocaine, Yorks. hog; Todd Betty, WM, 6'5", 220 lbs, fraud, prob. viol. (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
The city of Hartford removed signs identifying it as the home town
of a former Miss Kentucky, Ramsey Carpenter Bearse, after her ar-
arrest in West Virginia as a teacher who sent nude photos of herself
to a 15-year-old student. . . .

Lexington police charged 53 persons in what they called a "Fa La
La
" shoplifting sweep.
                                                                              [courtesy LEX18]

Among the women pictured in the December-January issue of VIP
Bowling Green magazine were  Jull  Nixon,  Julee  Burt,  Sherelen
Hodges,  Suha Hammad, Alida Griffin, Lynsey Brewer, Coltar Par-
due,  Deiona Melville, Rhondell Miller, Lexi Cook, Lexi Matthew,
Hilly Backer,   Claci Walls,  Cayla Rios,  Melayna Brown-Tinsley,
Noha West,  Meah Jessup,  Sereniti Coulter,  and Courtlann Atkin-
son. Among the boys and men were Frand McCall, Sojo Ngoy, Ra-
sean Carothers, Eric Leach and Robert Peach.

pamandla.jpg Perps in Paducah: Amanda N. Powell, 28; Mary L. Thornton, 37; Paula Sayre, 57, drugs; Pamela L. Bettencourt, 34; Krystyn R. Overby, 36, credit card fraud; Karen M. Lewis, 38 (McCracken County Sheriff)
pamandla.jpg Perps in Paducah: Amanda N. Powell, 28; Mary L. Thornton, 37; Paula Sayre, 57, drugs; Pamela L. Bettencourt, 34; Krystyn R. Overby, 36, credit card fraud; Karen M. Lewis, 38 (McCracken County Sheriff)
devontag.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Devonta Webb, BM, 6'1", 180 lbs, sniffing crack; Rebecca Chappell, WF, 40, 5'2", 135 lbs, loose woman; Keshanta Fuller, BF, 20, 5', 145 lbs, showing her bush; Stephanie Johnson, BF, 48, 5'4", 157 lbs, no good reason; Alan Gay, BM, 44, 5'8", 240 lbs, sniffing Stephanie (dragged kicking and screamiing from the Herald-Leader)
devontag.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Devonta Webb, BM, 6'1", 180 lbs, sniffing crack; Rebecca Chappell, WF, 40, 5'2", 135 lbs, loose woman; Keshanta Fuller, BF, 20, 5', 145 lbs, showing her bush; Stephanie Johnson, BF, 48, 5'4", 157 lbs, no good reason; Alan Gay, BM, 44, 5'8", 240 lbs, sniffing Stephanie (dragged kicking and screamiing from the Herald-Leader)

Quotation of the weak:
                                        "u need a bash brother for Chief if Staff"
                                                                                                               José Canseco, volunteering to
                                                                                                                  President Strump for the job

Classic Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said May 29, 2016):
"Live fast, die young, and don't grow old, or you'll live to regret it."
– Leonard Simon
Birthdays:
                   December 10:  Diane Schuur, 65
                                            Ralph Tavares, 77
                   December 11:  Brenda Lee, 74
                                            Booker T. Jones, 74
                                            John Kerry, 75
                                            David Gates, 78

                                            Rosa Dolores Alverio ("Rita Moreno"), 87
 
                  December 12:  Tracy Austin, 56
                                            Dickey Betts, 75
                                           
Dionne "Warwick" Warrick, 78
                                            Concetta Franconera ("Connie Francis"), 81
                                            Bob Barker, 95
                   December 13:  Taylor Swift, 29
                                            Ferguson Jenkins, 76
                                            Christopher Plummer, 89
                                            Carl Erskine, 92
                                            Dick Van Dyke, 93
                   December 14: 
Abigail Lassman ("Abbe Lane"), 86
                                           
Patty Duke (1946-2016)
                  
December 15:  Dave Clark, 76
                                            Nick Buoniconti, 78
                                            Cindy Birdsong, 79
                                            Tim Conway, 85
                                            Nero (37-68 A.D.)
                   December 16:  Leslie Stahl, 77
                                            Liv Ullmann, 80
Deaths:
                Nancy Wilson, 81
                Tuijuiana B. Buchanan, 55
                Jyronna T. Bullitt, 48             
                Josephine Mia Bulubenchi, 3
                Maxelean Daugherty, 84
                Gilouis Cowles Jr., 82
                                                                    [Louisville Courier-Journal]
ketchers.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County Sheriff): John Davis, 26, DUI; Terese Grothe, 51, DUI water craft, evading arrest; April Tomes, 35, weapon knuckles; Quincin Eagle, 19, burglary; Geezis French, 39,, parole violation (drugs); Jessica Medel, 43, theft; Victoria Marr, 38, bail jumping; Sharmeika Byers, 26, trespass; Tesa Keith, 37, injury to child; Dalton Ketcherside, 20, debit card abuse
ketchers.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County Sheriff): John Davis, 26, DUI; Terese Grothe, 51, DUI water craft, evading arrest; April Tomes, 35, weapon knuckles; Quincin Eagle, 19, burglary; Geezis French, 39,, parole violation (drugs); Jessica Medel, 43, theft; Victoria Marr, 38, bail jumping; Sharmeika Byers, 26, trespass; Tesa Keith, 37, injury to child; Dalton Ketcherside, 20, debit card abuse
Borf 's weekly bonus:
A couple admitted driving 900 miles  from  Arizona  to  Wyo-
ming  with  two  children,   6 and 10,  in the trunk of their car
(two German Shepherd dogs occupied the back seat). . . . The
Michigan-based HopCat bar and restaurant chain said  it  was
changing the name of its "Crack Fries" dish. . . .
A robot at an
Amazon factory i
n Robbinsville, New Jersey, punctured a can
of bear repellent,  which sent two dozen workers to the hospit-
al. . . . Columbine  High  School,  in Littleton, Colorado,  was
put on lockdown because of a threat. . . . Maria  Butina  plead-
ed guilty. . . .
                                           
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Dear Eleanor:
                            I’m at a loss and need some outside advice.   I’m  a
                            man, married for two years. My husband and I have
                            a great marriage,  but last week my father was diag-
                            nosed with stage 4 cancer,  and  I’m having trouble
                            processing it.   My husband is super supportive and
                            has had my back 100 per cent. But yesterday an old
                            friend wanted to meet with me,  and  we  wound up
                            having sex.

                            What’s wrong with me? I have never cheated before.
                            I have been cheated on in the past,  and I know how
                            much it hurts;  so I vowed never to do it.  But it just
                            happened.

                            I regret what I did, and I feel gross. Why would I do
                            this?    Is it my way of coping with Dad’s illness?   I
                            need to understand what the hell happened. Please.

                                                                                            Off the Rails

Dear Railbird:

                            Just be glad you don't have a wife.  She might bitch-
                            slap you.

longoria.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Michael Anthony Longoria, HM, 32, 5'5", 130 lbs, failure to register; Chrissenda Rose Bennett, BF, 38, 5'4", 140 lbs, violation of probation (assault with deadly weapon); Billy Lee Pierce, WM, 48, 5'8", 170 lbs, bond forf. (possessn. of firearm by a felon); Wanted in Waco: Rachele Denise Marriott, WF, 33, 5'2", 170 lbs, probation violation (dangerous drugs); Aarrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Kelsey Elaine Isham, WF, 25, 5'7", 155 lbs, injury to a child; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Kathryn L. Sharp, WF, 31, 5'7", 140 lbs, tattoos neck, left shoulder, chest, left ear, prob. viol. (aggravated battery) (Wichit Falls Crime Stoppers, City of Waco, Abilene Crime Stoppers, Sedgwick County (Kansas) Sheriff)
longoria.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Michael Anthony Longoria, HM, 32, 5'5", 130 lbs, failure to register; Chrissenda Rose Bennett, BF, 38, 5'4", 140 lbs, violation of probation (assault with deadly weapon); Billy Lee Pierce, WM, 48, 5'8", 170 lbs, bond forf. (possessn. of firearm by a felon); Wanted in Waco: Rachele Denise Marriott, WF, 33, 5'2", 170 lbs, probation violation (dangerous drugs); Aarrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Kelsey Elaine Isham, WF, 25, 5'7", 155 lbs, injury to a child; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Kathryn L. Sharp, WF, 31, 5'7", 140 lbs, tattoos neck, left shoulder, chest, left ear, prob. viol. (aggravated battery) (Wichit Falls Crime Stoppers, City of Waco, Abilene Crime Stoppers, Sedgwick County (Kansas) Sheriff)

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "admin1t1@jlinet.com.br"
        titled "Ensure that you achieve the greatest imaginable results." and two more
        messages from Clutterbook Facebook titled "See Stephen Yates's message and
        other notifications you've missed."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include Maria Butina,
a-
gain.

lifewal2.jpg Life Saver Dude: There's Waldo, again!
lifelion.jpg Life Saver Dude: Aw, c'm'on! Not you guys, too?!

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" €“ Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



December 9, 2018:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids  while  waiting  for your wife at the counter  in  the  supermarket –
    the week's headlines (this edition has been truncated and reconstructed on
    account of numerous hardware difficulties, including a "hard drive" crash):



Unisex name of the week:  Dallas.


Dumb news from Indiana:
Muncie Sanitary District administrator Nikki Grigsby  said  she'd
"rather not" say how much money the district will make on a deal
to place advertisements on garbage can lids.

                                                           [courtesy Muncie Star Press]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A former Miss Kentucky, now a teacher in West Virginia,  was ac-
cused of sending  nude  photos  of herself to a 15-year-old student
on Slapcrap Snapchat.
                                                                              [courtesy LEX18]

The former Robert James Reynolds,  who legally changed his name
to The Reverend, 38, was sentenced in Allen County to 33 years in
prison  for  the murder of his 71-year-old roommate,  which he told
police Charles Manson (then still living) told him to do.

                      [courtesy Park City (Bowlng Green, Ky.) Daily News]

Birthdays:
                   December 3:  Mary Margaret "Jaye P." Morgan, 87
                                          Jean-Luc Godard, 88
                   December 4:  Marisa Tomei, 54
                                          Dennis Wilson, 74
                                          Gary Gilmore (1940-1977)
                    December 5:  Jim Plunkett, 71
                                           "Little" Richard Wayne Penniman, 86
                    December 6:  Elian Gonzalez, 25
                                           Richard Speck (1941-1991)
                    December 7:  Vàclav Chalupa Jr., 51
                                           Noam Chomsky, 90
                                           Harry Chapin (1942-1981)
                    December 8:  Nicki Minaj, 35
                                           Shuhadá Davitt, 52
                                           Jim Morrison (1943-1971)
                    December 9:  World B. Free, 65
                                           Dick Butkus, 76
                                           Kirk Douglas, 102
Deaths: 
bushcart.jpg kinder, gentler George H. W. Bush,
                  1924-2018
                Nancy C. "Nancy B" Bice Bouldin (age not reported),
                    widow of Roy W. "Bill W" Bouldin
                                                                                  [Park City (Bowlng Green, Ky.) Daily News]
Borf 's weekly bonus:
Saudi Arabia's Crown Prince was high-fived by Vladimir Putin
at the G-20 conference. . . . Mariah Parker, 26, was sworn in as
a county commissioner  in  Georgia  on  The Autobiography of
Malcolm  X
,  not the Bible. . . .
Germany’s interior ministry ser-
ved pork sausage at a conference on Islam. . . . Frank Loesser's
daughter denied that  "Baby, It's Cold Outside"  is a "date rape"
song. . . .  A man was arrested in Cleburne,  Texas,  for  telling
children at a church that Santa Claus was not real and refusing
to leave. . . .
                                                  [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Dear Eleanor and Life Saver Dude are both off today, due to the com-
    puter malfunction (but they're both always a little "off" anyway,  are-
    n't they?).

The sports:
Junior guard  Keozdon Jones  was leading
the Bowling Green, Ky., High School Pur-
ples' girls basketball team in scoring.

             [courtesy Leachman Buick ad in Park
               City (Bowling Green, Ky.) Daily News]

keyozdon.jpg

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" €“ Karen Crockett



Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



Dec
ember 2, 2018:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
     tabloids  while  waiting  for your wife at the counter  in  the  supermarket –
    the week's headlines
:

The kids choose Brrad (In Touch Weekly); Amal takes the
          kids (Enquirer); Alec Baldwin's wife forces him into rehab
          (Enq); Vanna White getting married again - at 61 (Enq); G20
          leaders attend Saudi crown prince's seminar on handling
          dissident journalissts (Onion)
The kids choose Brrad (In Touch Weekly); Amal takes the kids (Enquirer); Alec Baldwin's wife forces him into rehab (Enq); Vanna White getting married again - at 61 (Enq); G20 leaders attend Saudi crown prince's seminar on handling dissident journalissts (Onion)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Hopdinne Akins wrote 11/18/18 with a late submission
in the "What are these people thinking?" contest:

The contest submissions you printed were not
very creative;  and the one that said, "Too bad
no one died"  was  just  wrong – a later report
said one boy did die, later, in hospital.  Here's
my entry:  "If they can't get it out, it'll make a
great wildlife shelter for the winter.   It  could
be called 'Possum Apartments' or 'Squirrel Se-
questers'."

Unisex name of the week:  Jay.


Dumb news from Indiana:
Thirty vehicles piled up in a chain reaction crash in Car-
mel.
                                     [courtesy Columbus Republic]
Dumb news from Kentucky:          stinswlm.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Willaim Stinson,
          BM, 18, 5'8", 170 lbs, receiving stolen property
          (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
stinswlm.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Willaim Stinson, BM, 18, 5'8", 170 lbs, receiving stolen property (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
micbecca.jpg Leakers in Lexington: Michael Beaty, WM, 51,
          6'1", 160 lbs, rat; Rebecca Pollard, WF, 32, 5'3",
          143 lbs, incontinent; Patricia Smith, WF, 30, 5'4",
          incontinent; Eugenia White, WF, 42, 5'9", 170 lbs,
          incontinent (dragged kicking and screaming from the
          Herald-Leader)
micbecca.jpg Leakers in Lexington: Michael Beaty, WM, 51, 6'1", 160 lbs, rat; Rebecca Pollard, WF, 32, 5'3", 143 lbs, incontinent; Patricia Smith, WF, 30, 5'4", incontinent; Eugenia White, WF, 42, 5'9", 170 lbs, incontinent (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

A Lexington couple were accused of making  a  neigh-
bor's  children,  aged 8 and 9,  smoke  marijuana  (you
saw one of the perps, Janet Cates, in last Sunday's Tab-
loid Headlines). . . .

A semitrailer overturned in Rockcastle County, spilling
3,500 live chickens.
                                                            [courtesy LEX18]
waltessa.jpg Perps in Paducah: Walter C. Henderson, 57;
            Tessa N. Fields, 21; Christina Byrn, 34; David I. Rogers,
            28, sodomy of 12-year-old (McCracken County Sheriff)
waltessa.jpg Perps in Paducah: Walter C. Henderson, 57; Tessa N. Fields, 21; Christina Byrn, 34; David I. Rogers, 28, sodomy of 12-year-old (McCracken County Sheriff)
Quotation of the week:
                                            "OK, so, what's the speed of dark?"
                                                                                                           
Boswell Rabbitsmith
Quotation of the weak:
                                            "Is this Satan’s last stronghold?"
                                                                                                     – journal entry by John Allen Chau, an
                                                                                                        American missionary, just before he was
                                                                                                        killed by a tribe in the Bay of Bengal

Classic Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said May 8, 2016):
"You should never trust a woman who doesn't fart:  Who knows what
  else she might be holding back?"
– Leonard Simon

Redundancies that need a nap:  "Close proximity" 
Sacha Pfeiffer, National Public Radio
eduardol.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not
              Wichita, Kansas): Eduardo Lara, HM, 21, 5'8", 220
              lbs, injury to a child; Leticia Policastro, HF, 41,
              5'1", 180 lbs, burglary, Yorkshr hog; Jandreani Bell,
              BF, 26, 5'4", 135 lbs, indecency w/child, expos.;
              Robert B. Parker, WM, 30, 5'9", 165 lbs, bond forf
              (ag. ass. w/deadly wea.) (Texoma's most wanted fugitives
              of the week)
eduardol.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Eduardo Lara, HM, 21, 5'8", 220 lbs, injury to a child; Leticia Policastro, HF, 41, 5'1", 180 lbs, burglary, Yorkshr hog; Jandreani Bell, BF, 26, 5'4", 135 lbs, indecency w/child, expos.; Robert B. Parker, WM, 30, 5'9", 165 lbs, bond forf (ag. ass. w/deadly wea.) (Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week)
claytdow.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom
                Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Clayton Dunn, 48,
                accident involving death; Kayla Watson, 30; Rosalinda
                Hernandez, 46, theft; Halli Helms, 22; Patty Tonn, 59,
                theft, trespass, drug parapher.; Elizabeth Usery, 24,
                parole violation; Dow Parker, 60, family violence
claytdow.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Clayton Dunn, 48, accident involving death; Kayla Watson, 30; Rosalinda Hernandez, 46, theft; Halli Helms, 22; Patty Tonn, 59, theft, trespass, drug parapher.; Elizabeth Usery, 24, parole violation; Dow Parker, 60, family violence
Birthdays:
                    November 26: 
Tina Turner, 79
                                            
Edwin Kagin (1940-2014)
                    November 27:  Caroline Kennedy-Schlossberg, 61
                                             Bill Nye, 63
                                             Jimi Hendrix (1942-1970)
                                             Bruce Lee (1940-1973)
                    November 28:  Randy Newman, 75
                                             Gary Hart, 82
                                             Berry Gordy, 89
                    November 29:  Chuck Mangione, 78
                                             Vin Scully, 91
                                             Louis the Stern (1229-1294)
                    November 30:  Bo Jackson, 56
                                             Terrence Malick, 75
                                             Paul Stookey, 81
                                             G. Gordon Liddy, 88
                                             Ferdinand the Righteous ("the Just," "the Honest," 1380-1416)
                    December 1:  Bette Midler, 73
                                           Dianne Lennon, 79
                                           Allan Konigsberg ("Woody Allen"), 83
                    December 2:  Britney Spears, 37
                                           Monica Seles, 45
                                           Lucy Liu, 50
                                           George Saunders, 60
                                           Cathy Lee Crosby, 74 (not Kathryn Grant Crosby, 85 last Sunday)
                                           Yael Dayan, 79 (but Wikipedia says February 12, 1939)

                                                            Here's to George Saunders on his 60th birthday;

                                                            May this beat all that's been said:
                                                           
Having birthdays is perhaps the best way
                                                           
To celebrate not being dead.
                                                                                                                  – Edwin Kagin
Deaths:
                George H. W. Bush, 94
                Bernardo Bertolucci, 87
                Mauldia Thurman, 72
                                                                                             [Louisville Courier-Journal]
   banglook.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Simon Helberg,
                Big Bang Theory; Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers; Simon
                as Howard Wolowitz
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A woman arrested for driving on a railroad track in Duquesne, Pennsyl-
vania, told police her GPS told her to. . . . Scientists suggested that heat
waves are damaging beetle sperm. . . . Elon Musk said he might be mo-
ving to Mars. . . . A  Cambodian  monk  was arrested and defrocked for
stabbing a girl friend he had met on Clutterbook Facebook. . . . A Mor-
occan woman living in the United Arab Emirates  was accused of mur-
dering her boy friend and cooking his remains into a rice and meat dish
(his tooth was found in her blender). . . . A man in Amsterdam, the Ne-
therlands, who hid 350,000 Euros in his washing machine was accused
of money laundering. . . . An 18-year-old German lost his driver license
only 49 minutes after getting it, for speeding (60 in a 30). . . . A woman
in 
Yagangcun,  China,  was hit in the head and paralyzed by a dog  that
fell from a second-story apartment (there's video!). . . .
Customers lined
up for two hours at an ATM that spit out $100 bills for $20  in Houston,
Texas,  after the first customer posted his good luck on line,  and before
the police arrived. . . . A man said he was ticketed for distracted driving
in Westport, Connecticut, for eating hash browns behind the wheel.  . . .
A 6' 4", 1.4-ton steer was deemed too large to slaughter in Lake Preston,
Australia. . . . Oakland University, in suburban Detroit,  Michigan,  was
arming students with  hockey  pucks  to defend themselves in shootings.
. . . Southwest Airlines apologized for a boarding agent in Orange Coun-
ty, California, who laughed at a 5-ear-old girl's name,   Abcde  (pronoun-
ced "ab-CIT-y"), and posted a photo of her boarding pass on Clutterbook
Facebook.
                                                                [courtesy Harper's,
LEX18, AP]

jonthans.jpg Wanted in Waco: Jonthan Young, HM, 23,
          6'1", 165 lbs, probation viol. (indecency w/child);
          Shavon Shantel Bessie, BF, 32, 5'1", 180 lbs, probation
          viol. (endangering child), Yorkshire hog; Wanted in Wichita
          (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Heidi Laine Wilbur, WF,
          24, 5'5", 130 lbs, probation violation (theft); Hailey
          Camille Fortier, WF, 27, 5'5", 120 lbs, controlled
          substances; James M. Grim a/k/a James Mikel or Michael, BM,
          32, 6' 0", 145 lbs, aggravated indedent liberties w/a
          child, upside down ears (City of Waco, Sedgwick County
          (Kansas) Sheriff)
jonthans.jpg Wanted in Waco: Jonthan Young, HM, 23, 6'1", 165 lbs, probation viol. (indecency w/child); Shavon Shantel Bessie, BF, 32, 5'1", 180 lbs, probation viol. (endangering child), Yorkshire hog; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Heidi Laine Wilbur, WF, 24, 5'5", 130 lbs, probation violation (theft); Hailey Camille Fortier, WF, 27, 5'5", 120 lbs, controlled substances; James M. Grim a/k/a James Mikel or Michael, BM, 32, 6' 0", 145 lbs, aggravated indedent liberties w/a child, upside down ears (City of Waco, Sedgwick County (Kansas) Sheriff)
Dear Eleanor:
                            My problem is not unique, but I'm at my wits' end
                            on how to handle it.

                            I love all animals dearly,  but my favorite is a cat.
                            I've had cats my entire life.  Almost all have been
                            rescues.  I take great care to feed them  and  give
                            them necessary veterinary card.  I  presently have
                            six cats, and all are house cats.


                            My problem is a neighbor who  lets  her  cats  run
                            loose.  One in particular sprays my front door and
                            my  basement  windows.  It's a bigger problem as
                            my male cats, who are all neutered, see and smell
                            him and spray back.  Her cat also
is neutered,  by
                            the way.


                            I have bought expensive urine-cleaning solution and
                            using it on whatever my cats spray,  which is always
                            near a window or a door.  I wash drapes, rugs, furni-
                            ture, floors and whatever else I must.  However, the
                            damage the outside cat has done  is  costly.  He  has
                            ruined my front door,  the  window  frames  and  the
                            porch.  They are deteriorating in spots where the ur-
                            ine  has  saturated  them.  My  new Pergo floors  are
                            warped from where my cats have sprayed back.

                            What can I do?

                                                          Put-Out Neighbor

Dear Putty-Put:
                                  Get a dog.

lifelion.jpg Life Saver Dude: Aw, c'm'on! Not you guys,
        too?!
lifelion.jpg Life Saver Dude: Aw, c'm'on! Not you guys, too?!

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "admin1t1@jlinet.com.br"
        titled "Ensure that you achieve the greatest imaginable results.
"


People who invited us to be their "friends" on Clutterbook Facebook
        in the last week included
diawanpa.jpg Diawan Paramitha.

DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include
Izabela Grabska,
Monika
Kaźmierczak, Gracjan Chorazak i Matteusz Grabski.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


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