:

Stephen Yates wrote Sun 4/19/20 @12:26 EDT:

I was pleased to see Elizabeth Montgomery (1933-1995) and Roy
Clark (1933-2018) in the birthdays section,  but  how  could  you
leave Brian Dennehy out of the obituaries?

Who the fuck was Brian Dennehy?    – Editor

Tested positive, 14,395; dead, 785.

The opening of a drive-in theater in Plymouth was halted by the
Coronavirus Police.
                                                      [courtesy Columbus Republic]

souterre.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Robert Buehlman, 6'5", 175 lbs, failure to register as sex offender (Michiana Crimes Stoppers); Terre Haute's: Mark Shaffer, 6' 0", 215 lbs, burglary (Wabash Valley Crime Stoppers)

Tested positive, 3,905; deaths, 205. . . .

A Confederate flag was removed from the Marshall County Court-
house in Benton.
                                                                              [courtesy LEX18]

Our apology:  The Pokey in last week's edition was not in Pike-
ville, Kentucky;  it was in Troy,  Alabama.  There are a number
of Pike counties around the nation.     Tabloid Headlines regrets
the error.

deanfros.jpg Reading the new perp site Kentuckiana Crime Stoppers you may need to make up not only the offense of the person pictured but maybe also his or herfirst name, Louisville's most wanted, Frost, WF, 34, 5'4", 140 lbs; Price, WM, 36, 5'11", 170 lbs, nonsupport; Dean, BF, 38, 5'8", 190 lbs; unless they are presented bidirectionally, then you'll geet an offense, and occasionally even a given name, McCormick Kyle (Kyle McCormick?, WM, 25, 5'11", 150 lbs, parole & prob. viol.; Henry, BM, 71, 6'1", 185 lbs, P&p viol (rape, incest)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):     "Excuse me, miss – is there a mirror  in your pocket?  'Cause      I can see myself in your pants!"                                                                           – Leonard Simon

aieshaly.jpg Wanted in Waco: Gary Don Casey, WM, 48, 6', 194 .bs, parole viol.; Aiesha Lyne Fister, BF, 25, 5'2", 147 lbs, parole violation; Shavonne Perot, BF, 29, 5'3", 160 lbs, disclosure of intimate material; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Michael Hoeffner, WM, 49, 5'10", 200 lbs, probationn violation (aggravated battery) (courtesy City of Waco . . . Sedgwick County (Kansas) Sheriff)

Corona virus victim of the week

Coronavirus police busted a barn party in northern Ohio. . . . Two
upstate cats in New York  became the first pets to test positive for
coronabirus. . . . A new virus was killing rabbits in Arizona. . . . A
36-year-old woman was arrested in northern Ohio for calling 911
twice to report that her parents had cut off her cell phone. . . . Leak-
age from a nearby winery spewed red wine through the kitchen and
bathroom taps of homes in Settecani,  Italy. . . . The  world's  insect
population  was reported to have shrunk by 27 per cent  in  the  last
30 years. . . .  Land o' Lakes was removing the Indian "butter maid-
en" from its packaging.
                                                                  [courtesy LEX18, AP]

ashleyho.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County (Texas) Sheriff): Ashley Holcomb, 28, assault w/deadly weapon; Jhonny Laroche, 33, DUI; Dallion Holt, 23, family assault; Rebecca Simmons, 43, par. vi.; Ralph Blake, 55, poss. of ctl. subs.; Laetitia Kemp, 41, paraphernalia; Aaron Hearon, 33, possession

The "safe distance" rule was relaxed on golf (but "playing
through" still was disallowed).

DISCUSSION GROUP:    Don't forget!  Readers interested in intellectu- al dissection of important current events  are in- vited  to attend the Weekly World News Round Table  at  the  offices  of   Borf   Books  outside Brownsville,  Kentucky, just  after church every Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near future will include one of Bertie's Girls.

bertgrl2.jpg

lifenitp.jpg "How could you walk out on me like this? And, by the way, 'nit-picking' has a hyphen" Life Saver Dude: Perhaps you hit the pick on the head

April 19, 2020:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
 in the supermarket –“ this week's headlines:

Fred Dean wrote Sun 4/12/20 @08:58 PDT:fs

So the Wichita Falls' Criminal Cathedral Choir has a 22-year-old
male soprano and a 49-year-old female bass! Were they each con-
victed of impersonating the opposite sex in public?

Wanted, not convicted.    – Editor

Jay Cory wrote Sun 4/12/20 @14:49 EDT:

Coronavirus vaccine delayed because it doesn't cause autism yet?

Tested positive:  10,641;  dead, 545,  including 24 at one nursing
home in Anderson and 34 in one day. . . .

Air pollution dropped 38 per cent in Indianapolis in the coronavi-
rus shutdown. . . .

A "virtual meeting" of the Indiana Election Commission was in-
terrupted about a minute by a video of a man masturbating. . . .

Deaconess Women's Hospital in Evansville was fitting face shields
on newborns. . . .

A doctor in Munster decided he was essential to a patient in Geor-
gia who needed a new artificial leg after he broke the first one. . . .

                                                         [courtesy Columbus Republic]

carlytob.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Carly Tobar, 5'4", 90 lbs, meth; Haley Greco, WF, 5'8", 130 lbs, paraphernalia; Kelley Lane, WF, 5'7", 190 lbs, probation violation (auto theft); Jame Besemman, WM, 5'8", 200 lbs, meth (Michiana Crime Stopers)

Tested positive, 2,707; dead, 144. . . .

State police ticketed cars at a Baptist church Easter ceremony in
Bullitt County with attendance exceeding orders to quarantine. . . .

Three churchgoers in Boone County sued the Governor and two
other officials for the right to attend. . . .

Kentucky's were the only chiropractors  shut down as "nonessen-
tial" in the coronavirus crisis. . . .

Hank the 10-year-old Tennessee walking horse,  wearing bunny
ears,  visited a 3-year-old Lexington boy for Easter.

                                                                          [courtesy LEX18]

About a hundred protesters picketed the "Afternoons with Andy"
coronavirus television show, shouting, "We want jobs, not fear."

                                                           [Louisville Courier-Journal]

newmande.jpg In the Pokey in Pikeville: Newman, Derron Lee; Nguyen, Loc  Thanh;  Compton, Brittany Anna; Streeter, Travon Geore-Nathan; Gibson, Christopher (Pike County Sheriff)

Indiana and Kentucky joined Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan and Ohio
in one of the new "federal" coronavirus jurisdictions.

jonathan.jpg Wichita Falls' Criminal Cathedral Choir (Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week): Jonathan Riley, WM, 23, 6'6", 170 lbs, tenor, choir leader, probation viol. (theft); Wyketa Muarray, BF, 35, 5'4", 155 lbs, soprano, prob. viol. (burg); Andreas Diaz, HM, 19, 5'5", 165 lbs, baritone, probation violation (aggrav. assault); Summer Siwstak, WF, 41, 5'2", 180 lbs, alto, bond forfeiture (DUI); Chance Perry, BM, 33, 6'0", 155 lbs, bass, surety off bond (controlled substances); (Wichita Falls (Tex. not Wichita, Kaa.) Crime Stoppers)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):     "Excuse me, miss, but – do you believe in love at first       sight, or should I walk by again?"                                                                 – Leonard Simon

Corona virus victims of the week

A saliva test was approved for coronavirus. . . . George Stephanopoolos
tested  positive. .  .  .  A woman who had not left her house in Charlotte,
North Carolina, for three weeks tested positive.. . . A Wal-Mart custom-
er in Leicester,  Massachusetts,  sprayed Lysol disinfectant into the eyes
of a cashier who told her there was a limit on purchases of  the  product.
. . .  A Broward County, Florida, judge asked attorneys to get out of bed
and put on some clothes when they show up for court hearings on Zoom
(he complained that one male lawyer appeared shirtless  and a female at-
torney remained in bed, under the covers). . . . Ten nurses were suspend-
 
ed at a hospital in Santa Monica, California,  for refusing to see patients
without getting face masks. . . . San Diego's ComicCon canceled its 20-
20 convention. . . . TV Doctors Oz, Phil and Drew all backed up on co-
ronavirus remarks. . . .  Taylor Swift canceled all appearances for 2020.
. . .  The Better Business Bureau warned old grads not to post their sen-
ior photos on "social media" lest they invite hackers. . . . A zebra and a
donkey had a zonkey in Kenya. .  .  .  Julian  Assange  was said to have
conceived two children with his South African lady lawyer while holed
up in the Ecuadorian embassy in London, England. .  .  . Some  fifty ve-
hicles piled up in a snowstorm on Chicago's Kennedy Expressway.  . . .
#He Too: Joe Biden.
                                                                [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

Don't even  think  about it

andrewcb.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County Sheriff): Anthony Caleb Rymel, WM, 47, 5'11", 180 lbs, probation violation (opiates); Kendrick Carnell Tellis, BM, 42, 5'6", 210 lbs, domestic battery; Vatasha Lee Ann Regular, BF, 32, 5'7", 210 lbs (Yorkshire hog), aggravated battery; Matthew Brandon Russell, WM, 21, 6', 135 lbs, prob. viol. (dom. battery); Kylian Ozaine Parks, BM, 28, 5'7:, 150 lbs, dom. battery

The American Civil Liberties Union  and Legal Voice  sued
to overturn Idaho's prohibition of  "transgender" women  on
women's sports teams. . . . Professional Rugby was planning
a league network in the U.S.

DISCUSSION GROUP:    Don't forget!  Readers interested in intellectu- al dissection of important current events  are in- vited  to attend the Weekly World News Round Table  at  the  offices  of   Borf   Books  outside Brownsville,  Kentucky, just  after church every Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near future will include Mia Farrow.

Note Marcy's hair styles in her two prior appearances: Same girl?

marcygar.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County (Texas) Sheriff): Marcy Garcia, 27, marijuana; Brianna Hillario, 24, marijuana; Gaylor Lee, 31, DUI; Cassidy Rathmell, 21, DUI; Lluvia Valenzuela, 30, mj; Krystal Skelton, 36, paraphernalia; April Torres, 37, cred. card ab.; Emily Rowland, 38, contrld. substs.; Note Marcy's hair styles in her two prior appearances: same girl?; Mary Barbee, 37, assault w/a deadly weapon

People who invited us to be their "friends" on Clutterbook Facebook in the last week inclu-                                                                                                             ded Isabella Bella, Uni-                                                                                                             versitas Negeri Malang:

:

Corona virus victim of the week

J. Ewing wrote Weds 4/8/20 @19:45 EDT:

Where should I direct my anxiety first?

• I haven't completed the newest version of my last will.
• Lowe's, near the mall a mile from me, confirms that one of their employees has tested positive for Covid-19.
• The National Weather Service has issued a tornado watch for the County until 2 a.m.; I have only three rolls of paper towels left, and there are none in stock for pickup or delivery at either Kroger's or Wally World.
• Can tornadoes carry the Corona Virus?
  
• Should I leave my snow/ice storm backup supply of 48 rolls of toilet paper and the 3 rolls of paper towels to a particular person in my will?
• Should I polish off the remainder of the bottles of bourbon and vodka I keep for cooking?
  

Tested positive:  7,435;  dead, 330,  including 24 at one nursing
home in Anderson and 34 in one day. . . .

Decatur, Franklin and Ripley counties, with a combined pop-
ulation of 78,000.  have had 235 coronavirus cases, placing
them among the top 100 counties for high infection rates a-
cross the nation. . . .

Judy's Pierogi Fest was canceled in Whiting. . . .

The American Civil Liberties Union of Indiana filed a federal
lawsuit challenging a new law tightening restrictions on pan-
handling as violating the First Amendment. . . .

The National Transportation Safety Board  found  the Tippeca-
noe Valley School Corporation partially at fault  in  the  deaths
of three children two years ago near Rochester,  for inadequate
safety assessment of bus routes (the 25-year-old woman whose
pickup truck  struck  the  children  was sentenced to 4 years for
manslaughter).
                                                         [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Dumb news from Kentucky:       Is that six feet?  Guv Andy with       his new signer ––––––––––––>      Tested positive, 1,840; dead, 94. . . .

[courtesy LEX18]

jacobbid.jpg Lexington's most wanted (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader): Jacob Biddle, WM, 37 ,5'7", 150 lbs, Geek of the day; Lance Baker, WM, 33, 6'3", 160 lbs,Geek of the Week; Mark Rouse, WM, 26, 64", 225 lbs, Geek wannabe; Fabian Hernandez, HM, 25, 5'7", 180 lbs, Geek de hora; Morgan Mayo, WF, 27, 5' 3", 180 lbs, strangling pencil-necked geeks

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):     "Excuse me, miss , but are you a parking ticket?  Because      you've got FINE written all over you."                                                                          – Leonard Simon

"Corona Virus Vaccine Delayed because it doesn't Cause Autism Yet"

ochampau.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): David Ochampaux, 41, threatening; Kristianna Ratcliffe, 18, poss.; Gregory Gautreaux, 28, fam.assault; Tresa Vestal, 57, no license; Desiree Juarez, 25, fam. assault; Leslie Pacheco, 24, Veh. burg.; Malachi Rock, 18, ctrl. subs.

A tiger tested positive at the Bronx Zoo in New York, NewYork. . . .
Dr. Fauci became a bobblehead doll. . . . Andrea Bocelli will hold an
Easter concert at an empty Duomo Cathedral of Milan, Italy. .  .  .  A
man wearing a  surgical mask  held up a jogger on a trail near Bonita,
California. . . . Newborn twins in Raipur,  India,  were  named  Covid
and  Corona  (boy  and  girl,  respectively). . . . A 53-year-old woman
was arrested for  putting  store  jewelry  on her hands at a Safeway in
South Lake Tahoe, California, licking it and then loading her cart with
groceries. . . . Swine  flu  broke out in western Poland. . . . A shopkee-
per in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, fought off a robber wielding a sword
with a scimitar.
                                            [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, Raw Story, AP]

amandado.jpg Wichita Falls' Criminal Cathedral Choir, Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Amanda Douglas, WF, 26, 5'2", 117 lbs, alto, leader of the choir, robbery; Robert Seitz, WM, 22, 5'8", 125 lbs, soprano, theft; Robert Sanchez, HM, 28, 5'8", 165 lbs, tenor, drugs; Crystal McGill, BF, 49, 5'8", 200 lbs, bass, theft (Wichita Falls, Texas, not Wichita, Kas., crime stoppers)

stepanda.jpg Wanted in Wikchita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Brandon Stepan Davis, a/k/a John Davis, Brrandon Newton, WM, 49, 6'0", 225 lbs, tattoos both arms, probation violation (burglary, opiates); Trent Everett Andrews, WM, 43, 6'0", 150 lbs, tattoos both shldrs, forearm, opiates; Rakayla Daishawn Jordan, BF, 22, 5'10", 170 lbs, probation viol. (theft); Michael Clayton Wilking, WM, 31, 5'10", 215 lbs, tattoo on head, scar on left hand, aggr. assault; Steven Charles Higgins, WM, 63, 6'0", 140 lbs, marijuana (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

The Masters golf tournament was rescheduled to two  weeks
before Thanksgiving (the British Open was canceled,and the
U.S. Open and PGA were rescheduled). .  .  .  Major League
Baseball was eyeing opening a season in empty ballparks in
Arizona.

DISCUSSION GROUP:    Don't forget!  Readers interested in intellectu- al dissection of important current events  are in- vited  to attend the Weekly World News Round Table  at  the  offices  of   Borf   Books  outside Brownsville,  Kentucky, just  after church every Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near future will include Boris Johnson.

lifeyouv.jpg "You just call out my name & you know wherever I am I'll just ignore you yes I will winter spring summer or fall I won't respond to your call I'll ignore you yes I will you've got a cat" Life Saver Dude: Yeah, thank you, now I understand James Taylor's song!

         

Tested positive, 3,953; died, 116, including three residents of a
nursing home in Mitchell..
                                                    [courtesy Columbus Republic]

jordanmi.jpg Wanted in Noblesville (by the Hamilton County Sheriff): Jordan Michael Ranell Brown, meth; Betty J. Turley, domestic battery; Eli Glenn Freeman, dom. strangulation; Andrea Lee Frew, failure to return; James Justin Spencer, coke

[courtesy Lex18]

Beer with Beshear drinking game; welcome to Kentucky, now git!

                                        

joshthom.jpg Lexington's most wanted (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers) Joshua Thomas, BM, 20, 5'7", 200 lbs, burglary; Chrstine Garcia, WF, 30, 5'6", 150 lbs, coke, meth and heroin; Jason Spencer, WM, 35, 5'9", 170 lbs, parole violation

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):     "Excuse me, miss – is your telephone not work-       ing, or are you pissed at me?"                                                       – Leonard Simon

       

weldonwh.jpg Wichita Falls' Criminal Cathedral Choir (Wichita Falls, Tex., not Wichita, Kas.): Weldon Whitfield, WM, 39, 5'9", 140 lbs, baritone, leader of the choir, criminal mischief; Shanequa Pankey, BF, 37, 5'5", 140 lbs, soprano, fabrication of evidence; Johnny M. Ordinario, HM, 26, 5'6", 185 lbs, alto, Bnd forf. (contr. subst.); Brandy Bosnall-Howard, WF, 37, 5'7", 240 lbs (Yorkshire hog), bass, organized crime; James Ivory, BM, 22, 6'1", 179 lbs, tenor, probation viol. (c.s.)

lonnieha.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Lonnie Haley, 56, trespassing; David Gandar, 20, DUI; Brendda Mantia, 31, credit card abuse; Lashanda Saddler, she does; Molly Hutchinson, 43, cont.subs.; Johnie Luera, 30, DUI; Damian Caballero, 19, porn

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary added an  entry  for  "COVID-19,"
setting a record for the fastest word given an entry after its  coinage,
previously "AIDS." . . . President Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus
recommended 40 to 50 grams of vodka a day to ward off coronavirus.
. . . A six-week-old baby died of Covid-19 in Connecticut. . . . A sem-
itrailer crashed on I-20 near Dallas,  Texas,  burning  up thousands of
rolls of toilet paper. . . . Pink  tested  positive. . . . Production of Coro-
na beer was halted.
                                                            [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

bethanns.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, no Wichita Falls,Texas): Beth Ann Smith, WF, 38, 5'5",160 lbs, prob. viol. (opiates); Dusty James Shelden, WM, 38, 5'8",130 lbs, att. esc.; Jessica Nicole Espinosa, WF, 35, 5'7", 180 lbs, p.v. (op.); Kenneth James Derringer, WM, 45, 5'9", 165 lbs, prob.viol.; Melissa Ann Pauler, WF, 43, 5'1", 145 lbs, probation viol. (ID theft, forgery) (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

The annual Wimbledon tennis tournament was canceled. . . .
The 2020 Olympics were postponed to July 23, 2021. . . . In-
dyCar's "virtual racing" has pushed its way onto NBC televi-
sion's sports network. . . . A baseball series between the Chi-
cago Cubs  and the St. Louis Cardinals  scheduled  for  June
in London, England,  was  canceled. . . . A New York millin-
er  who made Derby hats for Kentucky was  making  masks
instead.

DISCUSSION GROUP:    Don't forget!  Readers interested in intellectu- al dissection of important current events  are in- vited  to attend the Weekly World News Round Table  at  the  offices  of   Borf   Books  outside Brownsville,  Kentucky, just  after church every Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near future will include Seena Sleem,

lifeprik porcupine in bathtub with bubble bath "Well, that was a waste of money" ife Saver Dude "Ya shoulda thought about that, prick"