Don't get me wrong...I really do enjoy the opposite sex...I find they are a constant source of amusement!
Men are from EarthWomen are from EarthDeal with it!
If men can run the world,why can't they stop wearing neckties?How intelligent is it to start the dayby tying a noose around your neck?You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,but you hardly ever see a smart womanwith a dumb guy.Behind every successful manis a surprised woman.A woman without a manIs like a neck without a pain.The trouble with some womenis that they get all excited about nothing...(and then they marry him.)Real women don't have hot flashes,They have power surges. I've been on so many blind dates,I could qualify for a free dog.If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.I'm not going to vacuumuntil Sears makes one you can ride on.I think -- therefore I'm single. Female/Male Computers
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,but you hardly ever see a smart womanwith a dumb guy.
Behind every successful manis a surprised woman.
A woman without a manIs like a neck without a pain.
The trouble with some womenis that they get all excited about nothing...(and then they marry him.)
Real women don't have hot flashes,They have power surges.
I've been on so many blind dates,I could qualify for a free dog.
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
I'm not going to vacuumuntil Sears makes one you can ride on.
I think -- therefore I'm single.
Female/Male Computers
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g. "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
No one but the Creatorunderstands their internal logic.
The native language they useto communicate with other computersis incomprehensible to everyone else.
The message "Bad command or file name"is about as informative as,"If you don't know why I'm mad at you,then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
Even your smallest mistakes are storedin long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one,you find yourself spending half your paycheckon accessories for it.
They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems,but half the time they are the problem.
As soon as you commit to one you realize that,if you had waited a little longer,you could have obtained a better model.
In order to get their attention,you have to turn them on.
Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
~~~~~~~~~~
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists Had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all The men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they're used."
FAQ
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?A. They don't have time.Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?A. They won't stop to ask directions.Q. What do men and sperm have in common?A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?A. He buys two cases of beer.Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? A. The bonds mature.Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?A. So men can remember them.Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?A. We don't know -- it has never happened.Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?A. They all already have boyfriends.Q. When do you care for a man's company?A. When he owns it.Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?A. His hand caught fire.Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?A. Put the remote control between his toesQ. What did God say after creating man?A. I must be able to do better than that!Q. What did God say after creating Eve?A. "Practice makes perfect."Q. How are men and parking spots alike?A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?A. They're married. ~~~~~~~~~~Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"God says: "So you would love her.""But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"God says: "So she would love you."~~~~~~~~~~ Why Men Stand and Pee Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to unrinate while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. "Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms....."
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?A. They don't have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?A. They won't stop to ask directions.
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?A. We don't know -- it has never happened.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?A. They all already have boyfriends.
Q. When do you care for a man's company?A. When he owns it.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?A. His hand caught fire.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?A. Put the remote control between his toes
Q. What did God say after creating man?A. I must be able to do better than that!
Q. What did God say after creating Eve?A. "Practice makes perfect."
Q. How are men and parking spots alike?A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?A. They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"God says: "So you would love her.""But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"God says: "So she would love you."
Why Men Stand and Pee
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to unrinate while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. "Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms....."
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: · Show up naked · Bring beer.
TWO NEW ELEMENTS
Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.