He does not have his head up his ass, He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
"WHAT GENDER ARE THEY?"
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished,with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, butit's useful to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You'd think it'd be male. But consider, it gives men pleasure,he'd be lost without it, and he doesn't always know the right buttons to push.
The Perfect Man
The Perfect Man is gentle. Never cruel or mean. He has a beautiful smile, And keeps his face so clean.
The Perfect Man likes children, And will raise them by your side. He will be a good father, As well as good husband to his bride.
The Perfect Man loves cooking. Cleaning and Vaccuuming, too. He'll do anything in his power To convey his feelings of love on to you.
The Perfect Man is sweet...He's a best friend to your mother, And kisses away your pain.
He has never made you cry, Or battered you in any way... To Hell with this endless poem. The Perfect Man is Gay.
"A woman wants one man to meet her every need. A man wants every woman to meet his one need."
~~~~~~
If Men Ran the World
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Because I'm A Guy
Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, underany circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either women or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilariousto have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
My page has been visited times.
Why it's GREAT To Be A Guy
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because "This one's just too icky."
Same work...more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, all the time.
What They Say What They Mean
"I'm going fishing." "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing." "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain." "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late." "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me." "You want me to stay awake?"
"That's women's work." "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is." "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of
every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal. "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it." "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you." "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at me."
"You look terrific." "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you." "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." "I make the messes, you clean them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious." "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions." I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
To: The Males of the species Fm: The Women Sbj: Take note!
Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.
We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
Don't say you understand when you don't.
Girls are petty, get over it.
You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.
Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.
Size does matter.
We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big; we like it when you are Mr. Big.
It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.
If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.
We are self-conscious by nature.
We are drama queens.
Fashion police do exist.
Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.
We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball or anything else you and your friends talk about.
We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.
Don't make bets about us, we always find out.
Shave- no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.
Even is you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it is not.
Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson's, hers are fake.
It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
We are beautiful, but make-up helps.
You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick so why the hell can't you piss in the toilet and not on it?
Most importantly- we are always right. Don't forget it.
Because
