1. "Totally Gone With The Wind"
2. "Lift and Seperate"
3. "Boys on the Side -- Of My Barn"
4. "Summer Film So Full of Special Effects We Couldn't Fit in the Plot"
5. "The Weather Channel: The Movie"
6. "Schindler's Twist"
7. "Field of Debris"
8. "Dead Man Flying"
9. "I, Cumulus"
10. "One House Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
11. "The Splintered Bridges of Madison County"
12. "Wizard of Oz II: The Search for Toto"
13. "Killer Genuine Draft"
14. "Four Weddings & A Funnel"
15. "Idiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom"
17. "A Funnel Thing Happened On The Way To The Farm"
18. "Roofless in Seattle"
TOP 15 PROBLEMS ENCOUNTERED ALONG THE OLYMPIC TOURCH ROUTE
1. Forward progress hampered by slow moving White Bronce.
2. Tourch commandeered in Waco by over-zealous ATF agents.
3. One REALY pissed Smokey the Bear.
4. Budget cuts cause torch to be replaced by less-than-dependable Bic lighter.
5. Diffculty getting melted marshmellows off torch after "s'nores" party got out of hand.
6. Running 7 miles befor realizing the torch is still on top of the urinal at the last rest stop.
7. First-degree burns to runners unfamiliar with how to "reveive the baton".
8. Jim Bob, lying in wait on the outskirts of Memphis with a case of Bud and a supersoaker.
9. Rosie Ruiz takes flame in NYC -- appears 30 minets later in Atlanta.
10. Drive-by goosing.
11. torchbearers driven insane by repeated playing of the "Chariots of Fire" theme.
12. Torch-Jacking in urban areas.
13. Crazed hippi terrorists replace Olympic Torch with the new Olympic Bong.
14. Male runners repeatedly get lost and refuse to stop and ask for directions.
15. Obnozious drunks who run up yell, "No, I ment a BUD light!"
REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
Happy Vasectomy!Hope you feel zippy!'Cause when I got one... I get real snippy.
My tire was thumping... I thought it was a flat... when I looked a tthe tire... I found your cat... Sory!
You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouqet of flowers and a box of Depends.
You're announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're on... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... Don't fret about your wife thogugh... She's moving in with me.
Your Computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't of installed... Win'95.
You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maby it was... that case of Bud Dry.
So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.
YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY WHEN:
You wake up face down on the pavement
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
You see a 60 Minets News Team wiaiting in your office
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
Your son tell you he wished Anita Bryant would mind her own business
You want to put on the cloths you wore home from last night's party-and there arn't any
You turn on the news and they're showing emergancy routs out of the city
Your twin forgets you birthday
You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize you don't have a waterbed
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you fallow a groups of Hell's Angels on the freeway
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache!
RING...
RINK...
CLICK
"Welsome tot he Psychiatric Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask soemone else to press 2
If you have maltiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it dosn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
2 female Bosto Terrier Puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special - Turky $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and outher athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancey dress, but so serviceable that losts of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Usedcars: Why goe elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Madular Sofas. only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-shcool. Experience preferred.
Our bikinis oare exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, You'll never fo anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for help.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cool with round bottom for efficient beating.