More killer Jokes from The Tas! in Weston Missouri..... The top six reasons computers are female: 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you". AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE: 1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it. *********************************************************************** Top Ways to Tell if a Redneck is Working at a Computer in your Office: 1. The mouse is referred to as a, "critter." 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 4. The password is, "bubba." 5. The numeric key pad only goes up to five. 6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it. 7. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them. 8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast. 9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them. 10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options. 11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs. 12. The monitor is up on blocks. 13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk. 14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer. 15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background. 16. The six front keys have rotted out. 17. John Deer Pocket Protectors. *********************************************************************
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "asscons"?
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
(_mm_) Candy Ass
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female
(e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!").
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that
computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons
for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative
as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going
to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that
computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons
follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
From The WV Gal Friday, April 24 THANKS GAL1
We are installing a RealPlayer link so you can hear, live, a few jokes and stuff while Imus is in commercial messasges..and uninterrupted good music while he's live.
So set your dial and check in often ..we hope to have this up and running as soon as possible!
Let the Live Comedy Radio on The Radio on the Computer on the TV begin!
The Catskill Kid>
