Simply put... women speak in estrogen and men listen in  
testosterone... by Matt Groening 
     
Sure, you thought you already knew  that. But now we have proof! After 
countless surveys and studies on  the following topics, these facts 
have emerged!!
     
RELATIONSHIPS:  First of all, a man does not call it a relationship -- 
he refers to  it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a 
semi-regular  basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and 
pour her heart  out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem 
titled "All Men Are  Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man 
has a little more  trouble letting go. Six months after the break- up, 
at 3:00 a.m. on a  Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted 
to let you know  you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I 
hate you, and  you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that 
there's always a  chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I 
Love You"  drunken phone call that 99% of all men have made at least 
once. There  are community colleges that offer courses to help men get 
over this  need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective. 
     
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old  females 
can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still  trading 
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is 
why high school romances rarely work out. 
     
MAGAZINES: Men's  magazines often feature pictures of naked women. 
Women's magazines  also feature pictures of naked women. This is 
because the female body  is a beautiful work of art, while the male 
body is lumpy and hairy  and should not be seen by the light of day. 
Men are turned on at the  sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked 
men elicit laughter from  women. 
     
HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their  penmanship. 
They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored  stationary and 
they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women  use ridiculously 
large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal  pain to read a 
note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll  put a smiley 
face at the end of the note. 
     
COMEDY: Let's say a small  group of men and women are in a room, 
watching television, and an  episode of the Three Stooges comes on. 
Immediately, the men will get  very excited; they will laugh 
uproariously, and even try to imitate  the actions of Curly, man's 
favorite Stooge. The women will roll  their eyes and groan and wait it 
out. 
     
BATHROOMS: A man has six  items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, 
toothpaste, shaving cream,  razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel 
from the Holiday Inn. The  average number of items in the typical 
woman's bathroom is 437. A man  would not be able to identify most of 
these items. 
     
GROCERIES: A  woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out 
to the store  and buys these things. A man waits till the only items 
left in his  fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery 
shopping. He  buys everything that looks good. By the time a man 
reaches the  checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the 
Clampett's car  on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop 
him from going  to the 10-items-or-less lane. 
     
SHOES: When preparing for work, a  woman will put on a Mondi wool 
suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes in 
a plastic bag from Saks. When a  woman gets to work, she will put on 
her dress shoes. Five minutes  later, she will kick them off because 
her feet are under the desk. A  man will wear the same pair of shoes 
all day. 
     
GOING OUT: When a man  says he is ready to go out, it means he is 
ready to go out. When a  woman says she is ready to go out, it means 
she WILL be ready to go  out, as soon as she finds her earrings, 
finishes putting on her  makeup... 
     
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when  women aren't 
looking, men kick cats. 
     
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A  woman knows all about her children. She 
knows about dentist  appointments and soccer games and romances and 
best friends and  favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and 
dreams. A man is  vaguely aware of some short people living in the 
house. 
     
LOW BLOWS:  Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on 
TV. One of  the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, 
gee. That  must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and 
actually FEELS  the pain. 
     
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water  the plants, 
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the  mail. A man 
will dress up for: weddings, funerals. 
     
DAVID LETTERMAN:  Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the 
face of the  Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who 
always has a bad  haircut. 
     
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will  wear every 
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants  that were 
hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is 
finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt  inside out, 
rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the  laundromat. Men 
always expect to meet beautiful women at the  laundromat. This is a 
myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of  "Love, American 
Style." 
     
WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings,  women talk about "the 
ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".  
     
SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat  socks. 
Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the  ankles, 
that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on  the back. 
     
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out  for lunch, 
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and  Michelle. But 
if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they  will 
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,  Peanut- 
Head and Useless. 
     
EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes,  Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack 
will each throw in $20 bills, even though  it's only for $22.50. None 
of them will have anything smaller, and  none will actually admit they 
want change back. When the girls get  their check, out come the pocket 
calculators. 
     
MIRRORS:  Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. 
Women are  ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any 
shiny  surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.  
     
MENOPAUSE: When a woman reached menopause, she goes through a  variety 
of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological  changes. The 
nature and degree of these changes varies with the  individual. 
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys  aviator 
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and  goes 
shopping for a Porsche. 
     
THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone  as a communication tool. They 
use the telephone to send short  messages to other people. A woman can 
visit her girlfriend for two  weeks, and upon returning home, she will 
call the same friend and  they will talk for three hours. 
     
DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out  driving, and she finds herself in 
unfamiliar surroundings, she will  stop at a gas station and ask for 
directions. Men consider this to be  a sign of weakness. Men will never 
stop and ask for directions. Men  will drive in a circle for hours, all 
the while saying things like,  "Looks like I've found a new way to get 
there." and, "I know I'm in  the general neighborhood. I recognize that 
7-11 store." 
     
ADMITTING  MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The 
last man  who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer. 
     
RICHARD GERE:  Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a 
dangerous way. Men  hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that 
slick guy who works  at the health club and dates only married women. 
     
MADONNA: Same as  above, but reversed. Same reason. 
     
TOYS: Little girls love to play  with toys. Then when they reach the 
age of 11 or 12, they lose  interest. Men never grow out of their 
obsession with toys. As they  get older, their toys simply become more 
expensive and silly and  impractical. Examples of men's toys: little 
miniature TV's. Car  phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic 
equalizers. Small  robots that serve cocktails on command. Video 
games. Anything that  blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" 
batteries to operate.  
     
PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on  
vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six  
days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this  
happens. 
     
CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll  shell out $4000 
for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms  and take 
photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of  course, 
women always end up taking better pictures. 
     
GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and  store their 
lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang  license plates 
in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build  useless lopsided 
benches in garages. 
     
MOVIES: Every actress in the  history of movies has had to do a nude 
scene. This is because every  movie in the history of movies has been 
produced by a man. The only  actor who has ever appeared nude in the 
movies is Richard Gere. This  is another reason why men hate him. 
     
JEWELRY: Women look nice when  they wear jewelry. A man can get away 
with wearing one ring and  that's it. Any more than that and he will 
look like a lounge singer  named Vic. 
     
SPORT ARENAS: Simply put, men can always find their way  around 
stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.  
     
TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more  
minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the  
football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is  
counting time outs, commercials, or replays. 
     
CONVERSATION: Men need  a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, 
great movie.", "What  are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that 
size.", "Well,  maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia
guys", etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations
with men by  saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks  
lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night,  
wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on. 
     
FRIENDS: Women on a girls'  night out talk the whole time. Men on a 
boys' night out say about  twenty words all night, most of which are 
"Pass the Doritos" or "Got  any more beer?" 
     
RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological  reasons. Women use 
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom  will never speak a 
word to each other. Women who've never met will  leave a restroom 
giggling together like old friends. And never in the  history of the 
world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,  
"Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

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