After we had healed from the first two miscarriages, we hesitantly considered trying again. However, we unexpectely became pregnant in November, 1995 and were excited. Once again, I did not feel pregnant and was very worried, but did not have that terrible gut feeling as I had with the second miscarriage pregnancy. My doctor was testing my hcg levels, and put me on progesterone injections to help me hold on to this pregnancy. Hubby was doing a great job of giving me the injections and we were very hopeful.
We had a vacation planned to Orlando, and we decided not to cancel. I took a doctors note and rode in wheelchair around most of the parks. I really took it easy. I was not spotting or cramping, but did not really feel pregnant. One day I felt really tired, so I told Dh and the boys to go sightsee without me and I stayed at the hotel. When they returned late in the afternoon, I got up to go to the bathroom and doubled over in pain. The pain was so bad I could not breathe. I was digging my fingers into my abdomen. Fortunately, Dh had noticed where a hospital was and we rushed there. I could not talk or breathe, so I squatted on the floor in the admissions area and whispered answers to the questions. I was upsetting other patients, so they quickly found me a room. Again, I do not have words to describe this pain.
A doctor came in to see me and I told him my problems and I did mention that my back hurt to the left side. He apparently ignored that complaint and quickly decided I must have an ectopic pregnancy rupturing. I was sent for a tummy ultrasound and then a vaginal ultrasound and nothing was found on either one. No baby anywhere. This further confirmed to them that I had an ectopic pregnancy. We waited for all appropriate medical personnel to arrive (it was Thanksgiving) and I was taken for emergency exploratory surgery at 1 AM. Dh was alone with the boys in the waiting room. Finally, he went back to the hotel and waited for word on what was happening. That was the hardest part - not having him in the room with me.
When I woke up from surgery, the pain was gone and I was told I did not have an ectopic pregnancy, and that my uterus and fallopian tubes looked beautiful. Also, since the baby couldn't be found, I would have 'something" like a miscarriage. My blood tests still showed me to be very pregnant. I demanded to know what the pain had been from, and was told I now had a horrible fever and a uterine infection was suspected. I was put on major intravenous antibiotics, but my temperature would not go down. Meanwhile, Dh and the boys continued their vacation, and would come visit me in the hospital twice a day. Finally, my urine culture came back and it was decided I had a killer kidney infection. Antibiotics were changed and my fever started to come down. I was released after 5 days, but not before we missed our flight home.
Through the course of several other events, it has been decided that I was in fact passing a kidney stone that night at the hospital, while also having a miscarriage. Once the iv was started, the stone was flushed out and the pain stopped. Once we were home, I did pass the fetal tissue one day, which was very surprising, since no baby could be found on ultrasound. I was very sad after this miscarriage, but I sort of expected it to happen and was not as shocked. The more you have, the easier it can get, I guess.
I still get sad every now and then, especially when someone announces they are pregnant. I hold my breath until they are 3 months along, and I hate that I do that. It's just that now I cannot have any joy in early pregnancies. I do not wish a miscarriage on my worst enemy.
I went for Christian counseling a few years ago because I felt bad that I was still bothered and grieving. The woman I saw had also had 2 miscarriages 30 years ago and she told me something that healed my heart and helped me so much. She said "My dear, you will never get over your losses, you will only get through them." These words echo through my mind whenever I am sad. No one knows the pain of a miscarriage or other pregnancy loss unless they have been through it. A good retort to someone who is trying to get you to cheer up is to say "Please do not take my grief away from me". Thank you for reading my stories and I wish you the best.