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Well, here it is. The first ever episode of Teen Angel. I typed it all out by hand because I have nothing better to do, except revise for my GCSEs, and I'm putting that off for as long as possible. Anyway, if anyone DOESN'T want to waste their lives typing out the darn things then you're quite welcome to use them as you will. Could you just mail me and ask me first though? I promise I'll say yes. It's just nice to ask first. I would think twice before nicking off with them though. My spelling is the worst in the known universe. You have been warned.......


Marty Buys the Farm



[Scene: Steve and Marty are in Steveís room.  Martyís wearing a red
 tracksuit jacket, blue jeans and a black T-shirt.  Steveís clothes 
arenít important.  Steveís waving a baseball bat around and Martyís
 got one of those Koosh ball thingys that heís bonging up and down
 on one of itís little
 strings.]

Marty: Ok, Cindy Crawford, or Claudia Schiffer?
Steve: Claudia Chiffer.
[Marty throws the Koosh ball at Steve.  He swings the bat and
 misses.]
Marty: Claudia Schiffer, or Pamela Anderson?
[Marty picks up a football and throws that to.]
Steve: Pamela Anderson. [He swings and misses.  Marty runs up to
 Steve who drops the bat]
Marty: Ok, Pamela Anderson, or Pamela Lee?
Steve: Theyíre the same person.
Marty: Oh......[understanding] With a different name.  Like Ketchup
 and Catsup!
Steve: Yeah! [Marty flops on the bed]
Marty: You got anything to eat, man?
Steve: Thereís some cold spaghetti in the refrigerator. [Makes a 
weak attempt to get up.  Thinks for a second]
Marty: Too far. [Flops back down]
Steve: I think thereís some corn chips underneath the bed.
Marty: [Rolls over] Iím there!
[He hangs upside-down over the bed and starts rooting around
 underneath.]
Marty: Ugg, this is disgusting.  You really should clean under here
 once in a whi.....Oooo, a burger! [He grabs the burger wrapper and
 jumps back onto the bed.  He takes it out of the wrapper and bangs
 it against the bedside cabinet.  It makes a look knocking sound.  He
 gives it a disgusted look.]
Marty: How old do you think it is?
Steve: Well, itís June, and thatís a Halloween wrapper.
Marty:[looks even more disgusted] Thatís so rank. [ Turns to Steve] I
 dare you to take a bite.
Steve: No, no, no way.  The last time you dared me we both got
 kicked out of Santaís village.
Marty: I thought that elf was plastic!  Poor little guy......But I
 still dare ya.
 [Holds out the burger.  Steve takes it from him.  He goes to take 
a bite, but stops.]
Steve: No, no.  Wait a second.  You always dare me.  And I always
 do it.  So this time I dare you....to eat......The Burger. [Holds out the
 burger for Marty who takes it.]
Marty: [decisively] All right!  I will! [Looks at it, then back at Steve] Itís 
not like itís gonna kill me. 
[He giveís it a final look then takes a bite.  He chews for a little while
 and then a strange look comes over his face.  As he continues to
 chew, clouds appear outside the window and the room starts
 to fall apart around him.  Heís left standing among the clouds and
 some lightning strikes.  Everything stops moving and he looks down
 to see that heís now wearing white clothes and a silvery jacket.  He
 looks around and sees that thereís nothing but clouds around him.]
Marty: Oh, oh.
[An elevator door opens from nowhere with an angel inside.]
Marty: Uh, going up?
Angel: Good choice.
[The angel stands aside and lets Marty on.  The doors close.]

[Opening titles.]

[Scene: Marty and the angel are in the elevator.  Martyís looking around]
Angel: First floor Seraphine.  Second floor Cherubim.  Third floor Starbucks.
Marty: Starbucks?
Angel: Theyíre everywhere, Honey.
Marty: I donít get it.  Whatís going on here?
Angel: Iím afraid youíre dead.
Marty: [horrified] Iím dead!  No fair!  All I did was eat a scanky burger!
Angel: Oh, Marty, Marty. [Puts a comforting arm around him] Iíve been
 doing this a long time, Hon.  I know what you must be feeling, but donít you
 worry.  The good have nothing to fear.
Marty: Oh oh!
Angel: Oh, here we are.  Top floor.  The Court of Eternal Judgment.
Marty: [ peers out of the door] Oh, I donít like the sound of that.
Angel: [Pushes him out of the elevator] Out you go! [He lands on what looks
 like a rock in space]
Marty: Cosmic! [The elevator doors close.  He tries to get back in.]
 No wait! [The doors vanish and he nearly falls off the rock.] Woah!
 [Gets his balance enough to stop himself falling off.]
Voice: Marty DePolo. [Marty turns to see a giant head who will be known as
 Heady from now on].  Come forward.
Marty: Donít eat me!
Heady:[surprised] Iím not gonna eat you!  Marty, you have a good soul, but
 you could never stay out of trouble.
Marty: I know. [Hangs his head]
Heady: I is only because of your extreme youth that we are considering
 your admission into Heaven.
Marty: All right!  Tried as a minor!
Heady: If you donít settle down....I just might eat you.
Marty: Sorry.[drops his head again]
Heady: However, you still must prove yourself worthy.  We have a mission
 that only you can accomplish.
Marty: Me?
Heady: Your friend, Steve Beauchamp, is going through the worst time of
 his life.
Marty: [sadly] My death.
Heady: No, his puberty.  Just see for yourself. [A bubble type viewing
 device floats across the sky.  Inside we can see Steve is lying on his bed
 being covered with orange silly string by his little sister.  Scene cuts to
 Steveís room]
Judy: Katie? [Katie stops spraying Steve and gives a look as though to say
 ĎOh oh, Iím in for it now].  What are you doing?
Katie: Playing with my brother? [Judy holds out her hand for the silly string
 can.  Katie squirts Steve one last time before handing it over and leaving.]
Judy: Steve, I thought we could all go out for some ice-cream.
Steve: No, I think Iíll stay here.
Judy: Oh, Steve, Sweety. [She sits next to him].  Summer is almost over
 and youíve barely left this room.  Is there anything I can do?
Steve: No, Iíve had a lot of fun right here.  I sleep.  Of course, I have my
 soaps, and Iíve been playing battle ship by myself.
Judy: Can you do that?
Steve: No, no, you really canít.
[Cut back to Marty]
Marty: Oh, my poor bud!
Heady: This is a very vulnerable time in Steveís life.  His parents are
 divorced.  His familyís struggling to make ends meet, and now heís lost
 his best friend.  Marty, we want you to be his guardian angel.
Marty: Me?  Iím sorry, youíre making a big mistake. [Starts to walk off]
Heady: Hey!  We donít make mistakes! [Marty stops and turns back] Well,
 there was the Bubonic plague......oh, and that awful Chevy Chase show,
 eww.  But this is not a mistake.  Right now Steve needs someone to talk to,
 and that someone is you.
Marty: Alright.  Iíll give it a shot.
Heady: Youíll give it a shot.  Boy, if you screw this up you will go directly
 to ĎThe Other Placeí.
Marty: The Mitchell corn place in Mitchell south Decocta?
Heady: No, why would I send you to.........Iím talking about ĎThe Other
 Placeí.
Marty: Oh no.  Not that!  
Heady: You might like it. [A red door with Ďfireí written on it appears and
 opens to reveal flames inside.] There are lots of rock stars there. [Cue
 electric guitar music].  Hahahahahaha
Marty: No!  I wanna help Steve!  Heís my friend!  Please Mr...........Head.
Heady: Hmm.......As Steveís guardian angel you will have many powers. 
 You will be invisible to all but Steve.  You will have the ability to walk
 through any wall.
Marty: Any wall?
Heady: Well, not thick walls.  But certainly through any apartment built after
 1957.  Now go forth and help your friend.
Marty: Iíll do my best God. [turns to leave but stops and turns back] You
 are God, arenít you?
Heady: Well, um, no.  Iím Godís cousin, Rod.  But I got this job on my own
 merits.

[Scene: Steveís room.  Heís sprawled out over his bed looking a mess with
 his alarm clock ringing.  He switches it off, rolls out of bed and sleepily
 makes his way across the room to his wardrobe with the giant mirror
 on it.  He opens it up and Martyís inside with a bright white light
 behind him]
Steve: Agghhhh! [Quickly shuts the door.  He very slowly and carefully
opens it again and Martyís still inside minus the bright light.]
Steve: Marty?
Marty: [sings] Just call me angel of the morning, Baby! [steps out of
 the closet]
Steve: Youíre an angel?
Marty: Not just any angel.  Iím your guardian angel.  Iím ford
 certified in all 50 states.  And Porto Rico!
Steve: No, no, wait a minute.  This isnít happening to me. [Steve
 slaps himself across the face a few times.]
Marty: No, no, itís true, check it out!  Iíve got retractable wings! 
[He turns to show Steve his wings and retracts them a couple of
times.] Come on.  Feel it.
Steve: Nah, a guy doesnít feel another guyís wings, man.
Marty: Come on.  Get with the times.
Steve: Yeah, alright. [He touches one of Martyís wings.] Oh my Gosh!
 [Marty retracts them again] Now, wait a second.  If you really are
 Marty, then what did you nominate for class motto? [Marty raises both
 his hands to his face and blows a raspberry into them] It is you!
 [They hug] I missed
 you, man.  Youíve been gone all summer.
Marty: I have?  How are my Mom and Dad?
Steve: Theyíre great.  They sued Burger World for poisoning you and
 collected 11 million dollars.
Marty: I am a great son.
Steve: [He runs and get a paper bag off the floor] And thanks to you
 every Burger World bag now carries this warning.
Marty: [reading] Burgers may not be safe to eat after 6 months.
 [proudly] Wow.  My life was not in vain.
Steve: Yeah!  So, why are you here?
Marty: The forces of Heaven sent me here to set you on the path to
 a good and noble life. 
Steve: How are you gonna do that?
Marty: I donít know!

[Scene: Steveís kitchen.  Judyís wearing a blue silky nighty and Katieís
 eating breakfast.  Aunt Pam comes in wearing a black dressing gown.]
Judy: Good morning, Pam.
Pam: Sis, you look better first thing in the morning than I did at my prom.
Judy: Well, I try.
Pam: Well, I donít. [Steve comes bouncing in]
Steve: Morning one and all!
Judy: Hey, youíre in a good mood today.
Pam: Check his pupils.
Steve: Look, I know Iíve been bummed out all summer about Marty, but I
 realise heís gone to a better place. [Judy opens the fridge and we see a
 half visible Marty sitting in there eating a tomato]
Marty: Wow!  Your momís hot! [Steve waves his hands around and mouths
 the words Ďshut upí.  Judy shuts the door and Marty waves good-bye.  He
 then walks through the fridge door]  Relax!
Steve: Relax?
Marty: Yeah!  Except for you, no human can see me, [walks in front of Pam]
 or hear me [sits in between Pam and Katie].  But I can be reached on the
 Internet.  w w w -dot-angel-dot-Marty-dot-cooldude-dot-com.
Judy: Oh, this poor plant. [She picks up a dead plant and puts it on the
 table.] I guess your father was the gardener around here.  Steve, could you
 throw this in the trash on your way out? [Marty gets up and walks over to
 the plant]
Marty: This looks like a job for ĎTeen Angelí.[He snaps his fingers and the
 plant suddenly grows] Behold!  I just saved your mom a dollar 95.

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: The school hall.  Steve and Marty walk around the corner together. 
 Martyís greeting everyone he passes.]
Marty: Hi!  Hey!  Good Morning!  Itís great to be here.  Oh, hey, nice hair
 cut.  NOT! 
[The twins turn around from facing the wall.]
Twins: [With a synchronised wave] Hi Steve!
Marty: Looks like the Allson twins let themselves go. [We can see the
 School Bully Kyle knocking books out of peoples hands]
Steve: Oh, no.  Kyle Burgstrum, man.
Marty: [fake sympathy] Poor Kyle.  Too dumb to graduate, too old to join the
 Marines.
Steve: You know, somebody should teach that guy a lesson. [Marty looks
 at him] Well, not me of course. [Kyle walks along and right through Marty]
Marty: Eww, that felt greasy. [He dusts himself off and sort of ripples (sorry,
 thatís the only way I know how to describe it)]
Kyle: Hello, Beauchump.  You know, I hear youíre dropping algebra. [He
 brings his hand down on Steveís book and it falls to the floor.  He then
 starts to walk off laughing.]
Steve: You know, the jokeís on him......ícause thatís my biology book.
Marty: Youíve gotta stand up for yourself, man.  Donít worry.  Iím here to
 help you.  [He skips down the hall to where Kyle is just closing his locker. 
 Marty opens the locker in front of him and Kyle walks right into it.]
Kyle: Ow!
Marty: [Puts his hands together, looking very angelic] Kyle, youíve been
 touched by and angel.
Steve: Thanks, man!
Marty: Oh, thatís just the beginning.  As soon as I start working my angel
 magic on you, youíre gonna be hanging out with that crowd. [He points
 down the hall and we can see some janitors walking towards them]
Steve: What, the Janitors? [The janitors move out of the way and we can
 see some cool kids behind them.]
Marty: No!  Look, them.  Over there.  Jordan Labelle and his buds.  The cool
 kids.
Steve: Sure, theyíre cool now.  But where will they be in 20 years?
Marty: Well lets see. [Marty snaps his fingers and everything freezes. 
 Jordan, the cheerleader and the other guy come out of the freeze.]
Cheerleader: Iím going to be a supermodel and marry an 80 year old
 billionaire.
Jordan: Iím going to be vice-president of the United States.
Guy: Iím going to sell shoes to the vice-president of the United States.
Steve: Wow, they are cool!  Except for Shoe Boy.

[Scene: Class room.  Steveís sitting at his desk and Martyís sitting on the
 top of the desk beside him.  The teacher, Mr Nitzke, walks in.]
Nitzke: Good morning boys and girls.  My name is Mr Nitzke, [he writes it
 on the black board] and this is American History 101. [He uses a smiley
 face to dot the i in ĎNitzkeí] Now, since we canít afford flashy new text
 books every time to see the word ĎIndianí think ĎNative Americaí.  And donít
 be alarmed when they refer to 1972 as the future. [He spots Steve and
 makes his way towards him.] Well, well, well.  Steve Beauchamp.  I guess
 the old adage is correct.  Those who fail history are doomed to repeat it.
 [He walks back toward the front and Marty jumps up from where he was
 sitting]
Marty: You donít have to take that man.  Stand up for yourself!
Steve: I didnít fail.
Nitzke: [sounds surprised] Excuse me?
Steve: I said, I didnít fail the course, Mr Nitzke.  I missed the final, Ďcause I,
 [looks at Marty] I had some personal problems.
Nitzke: Well, [comes right up close to Steve] Iím your personal problem
 now.
Marty: Alright.  Thatís it! [goes up to the front] Letís get ready to rumble!
Nitzke: [pulls down a map from above the board.] Our journey begins here,
 [Marty mimics him] in James town, Virginia. [Marty points up and the map
 rolls back up to where it was.  The class laughs.  Nitzke pulls the map
 back down and Marty holds up two fingers to Steve as if to say ĎTake 2'] As
 I was saying, [Marty points up and the map goes up again.  The class
 laughs again.] I fail to see the humour in this.[He pulls it down again and
 thereís a blue piece of paper stuck to the map which reads ĎNitzke is a
 weinerí]
Twins: Weiner!
Nitzke: Settle!  Which of you genuses is responsible for this?
Marty: [Walks right up in front of him] Me.  I did it.  Me.
Nitzke: Alright. [He walks around and sits on his desk, closely followed by
 Marty.] Iím just going to sit here and wait until the guilty party comes
 forward.  I can wait as long as you can. [Marty mimics him.  Steve laughs. 
 Nitzke jumps up] Oh!  You think this is funny?
Steve: No.  No, I donít.
Marty: [trying to do a Mr Nitzke voice] Oh, do you think THIS is funny. [He
 grabs Nitzkeís head and kisses him on the cheek.  Steve laughs again.]
Nitzke: Thatís it! [Marty continues blowing kisses] Youíre all getting a test
 tomorrow. [Marty stops and looks worried] Chapter 6, the Monroe doctrine.
  Itíll count as half your grade and you have Mr Beauchamp here to thank
 for it. [The class turn to him and give him evil looks.]

[Scene: Just after the lesson, Steveís coming out of the classroom and
 Martyís sitting on the trash can.]
Steve: Thanks a lot, man.
Marty: Hey, Nitzkeís a dork.  Donít worry about it.
Jordan: Man, I had three dates lined up for tonight.......and now I have to
 cancel two.
Twin 1: Nice play Shakespeare.
Twin 2: Smooth move ex-lax. [They turn around and walk off.  Kyle
 approaches]
Kyle: Just thought you should know, youíre a dead man.
Marty: Duh!  Oh, you mean him!
Steve: Youíre supposed to be my guardian angel.  Youíre ruining my life.
Marty: Iím just having fun, man.
Steve: Somehow, every time you have fun I get in trouble.
Marty: But I can fix it!
Steve: No, donít fix anything.  Just leave me alone. [He walks off leaving
 Marty alone on the trash can.]
Headyís voice: Marty DePolo! [Heady appears as the mask in the drama
 club poster next to the bin] Iíll see you in my office, now!
Marty: You look great.  Did you lost weight?
Heady: Office!  You!  Now!

[Scene: Martyís sitting on the rock in Space dropping stones off the edge
 and watching them fall.  When he realises how far down it is he jumps
 away from the edge.]
Heady: Making fun of the history teacher.  Do you think thatís your mission
 from God?
Marty: Look, Iím really sorry.  I know I screwed up, but I think I can be a
 pretty fine guardian angel.
Heady: Well, you could help Kelsey Grammer.  Do you know heís gone
 through 4 guardian angels in the past week, and I hear one of themís in
 rehab.
Marty: No! I wanna help Steve!  Heís my bud, and isnít this the place where
 everybody gets a second chance?
Heady: No! Youíre thinking of the Arkensaw Bar exam you fool.
Marty: [sadly] So I canít help Steve?
Heady: Look, Marty.  I think you have potential, but itís not me you have to
 convince, itís Steve.
Marty: Gotcha!  I will not let you down. [Walks off, but then comes back] Or
 if I do let you down Iíll have a very good excuse.
Heady: Just get out!
Marty: Ok. [Goes off again]

[Scene: Steveís house.  The living room.  Pamís sitting on the couch
 reading a newspaper.  Judyís messing around with her now blooming
 plant.  Steve comes in looking depressed.]
Judy: Steve, can you believe it?  Look at how this thing has grown! [The
 plant lifts up its leaves while Judy isnít looking (Itís alive!!!!!!)]
Steve: Itís great, Mom. [He sits down next to Pam and picks up a
 magazine.]
Pam: Rough day, kiddo?
Steve: Oh, worse than you can possibly imagine.
Pam: I work at the post office.  I can imagine pretty bad.
Judy: But you were in such a good mood this morning.  What happened?
Steve: I really canít tell you. [He gets up and starts to go to his room.]
Judy: I wish I knew what to do.  You know, Marty always used to cheer you
 up at times like this.
Steve: Yeah, he used to.
Judy: Well, wherever he is now, Iím sure heís looking out for you.
Pam: If you ask me wherever Marty is now itís very hot and heís being
 poked by a pitch-fork.
Katie: Help!  Help! [Katie is all tangled up in the plant (Itís alive I tell you! 
 Alive!!!)]
Judy: Oh, Katie. [She runs to help her] Oh my gosh!
Steve: Mom, look out, I got it. [He picks up a foot ball (rugby ball to the
 British readers) and throws it at the plant, but misses and hits Judy on the
 nose.]
Judy: [clutching her nose] Ow, my nose!

[Scene: Steveís room.  Heís lying on his bed with some books and a pencil.
  A teddy bear sitting on his cabinet floats over to him.]
Bear: Hey, Yogi!  Sorry I made a Boo boo!
Steve: Just leave me alone.  Iím trying to study. [ The bear turns into Marty]
Marty: Look, Iím really, really sorry for everything thatís happened, but I
 know I can help.
Steve: No, I donít want your help.
Marty: Oh, come on.  Weíve been in some jams before, but everythingís
 always come out OK. [Steve gives him an Ďarenít you forgetting somethingí
 look] Except for the time I ate the hamburger and croaked.  But Iíve been
 giving this a lot of thought a I think Iíve got the answer.  Please give me
 one more shot.
Steve: OK.
Marty: Thanks buddy. [He spreads out his wings] Up, up, and away! [He
 goes upwards, we hear a crash and some feather fall to the ground.] Stupid
 ceiling fan!

[Scene: Nitzkeís bedroom.  Nitzke is asleep in his bed.  Marty appears and
 speaks in a ghostly voice.]
Marty: Mr Nitzke........Mr Nitzke......wake up....dude! [He gives up and hits
 him over the head with a newspaper.  He wakes up with a start.  A
 transparent James Monroe is standing at the foot of the bed.]
James: It is I, James Monroe.  5th president of the United States.
Nitzke: I canít believe this.
James: I understand youíre giving a test on my Monroe doctrine tomorrow.
Nitzke: Well yes!  The students were acting up so I....
James: Silence!  My doctrine was meant to help America.  Not terrorise
 innocent school children!
Nitzke: Iím sorry, Iím sorry.
James: Call of the test, or answer to me.
Nitzke: But Iíve already written it up. [Monroeís head turns into a giant
 insect/alien type thing and Nitzke screams and dives for cover under his
 pillow.]

[Scene: Classroom.  Everyoneís sitting in silence, reading.  Nitzke comes
 in looking shaken and scared.  The door slams behind him and he nearly
 jumps out of his skin.  Everyone quickly slams their books shut.]
Nitzke: [sounds really shaken] To...todayís test on the Monroe......Monroe
 doctrine is can.....cancelled. [The whole class cheers apart from Steve. 
 Marty appears from behind Nitzkeís desk and throws his hands up in
 victory, but Steve runs to the front of the class.]
Steve: No, no, no, no, wait a second, Mr Nitzke.  I donít think thatís fair.
Marty: What are you doing, man?
Steve: Iím standing up for myself.  We all studied really hard for that test,
 and I think we deserve the credit for the work we did.
Nitzke: Fine.  Everybody gets an A. [Everyone cheers!] Now, if anyone
 needs me Iíll be in the teacherís lounge watching the fish tank. [He leaves]
Kyle: Alright!  Thanks Beauchimp.
Steve: Will you stop calling me names, like Beauchimp, or Beauchump, or
 Blowchunks.
Kyle: Hee hee, Blow Chunks.  Thatís a good one.  Mind if I use it?
Steve: No, itís yours.
Twin 1: Nice play, Shakespeare.
Twin 2: Smooth move ex-lax. [They both give him a thumbs up and walk off.
  Jordan comes up.]
Jordan: Nicely done.
Steve: Thank you Mr Vice-president.
Jordan: Huh?
Steve: Youíll find out later. [Everyone leaves the classroom leaving Steve
 and Marty alone.] I donít know how you did it, but you did it.
Marty: So am I back on the team?
Steve: Absolutely! [They go to hug, but think Ďmaybe notí, then think, Ďoh, go
 oní and hug anyway.  Steve goes to leave but turns around with a puzzled
 look on his face.]
Steve: Hey, are you stuck in those same clothes forever?
Marty: Yeah! Iím just like Gilligan! [Steve smiles then leaves.]

[Tag scene: Mary and James Monroe are in the classroom.]
Marty: Hey!  Thanks for everything Mr President.
James: Glad to be of service, son.
Marty: Say hi to your wife Dolly for me.
James: Iím not James Madison.
Marty: Oh, right, sure.  But are you on a coin or something?
James: No.  I was briefly on the 30 cents stamp.
Marty: Well hey, thatís great. [turns away] Loser!

The End!!!!!

Y) '		 '

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