[Scene: Steve’s class room. Mr Nitzke is there and Marty is sitting on the desk of the person next to Steve. Mr Jabloncski (Jab) enters.] Jab: Excuse me. Nitzke: Ah, class, this is Mr Jabloncski, the new choir director. Class: Aw [and other oh no type noises] Jab: Now I know nobody wants to be in the choir. Hey, I wanted to be the wrestling coach, but do you see me complaining? Well I am complaining. But the point is, we need singers. Twins: We can sing! [Jab gestures to them to go ahead] Twin#1: Row, row..... Twin#2: Row, row.... Twin#1: You came in too early. You’re supposed to come in on ‘boat’! Twin#2: I’ve been coming in on ‘row’ for years. Twin#1: You’ve been coming in wrong for years! [They both turn back to the front] Twins: Life is but a dream. Jab: That was pathetic. [The twins hang their heads.] Ok, you’re in. [They perk up and give each other a high 5] Nitzke: Beauchamp! How about you? Steve: Oh, no, no, I can’t sing. I’m terrible. Jab: And that’s a problem because..........? Steve: No, I’m not kidding. Listen. [Marty creeps up behind him and does something weird with his hands that can best be described as sweeping them up along his throat, under his chin and point them at Steve, if that makes any sense. Steve sings in a beautiful voice as Marty conducts.] I’ve got you under my skin, Ooo! [He looks at Marty] What the heck? Jab: That’s great! You’re in. Steve: No, no, wait! I don’t really sing like that. I’ve got [Marty does the hand thing again and starts conducing] you so deep in the heart of me, yeah! Marty: Any now, for our Swiss audience, a little yodelling. [Points at Steve] Steve: Yodel aie yodel aie yodel aieooo. [Opening titles] [Scene: The school auditorium. A group of people including Steve, Marty and the twins have showed up for choir. The twins are square dancing and singing a stupid song.] Steve: Marty, you’ve gotta get me outta this place. It’s geek central. [Jab out onto the stage where there is a black board with musical staves on it (for the none musically Minded of you those are the lines that they put the dots on) with some notes, and the symbols for B-sharp, B-flat, and B-natural underneath.] Jab: Good afternoon. I wanna welcome you all to choir. Just remember [he points to the symbols on the board] don’t B-sharp, don’t B-flat, B-natural. Twin#1: Mr Jabloncski, I can’t wait to B-gin. Jab: OK! Steve: [Turns to Marty, pleading] Get me out of here! Marty: Don’t worry. I’m not gonna zap you so you’ll sing lousy. Steve: And then they’ll kick me out. Marty: No. But at least you’ll fit in! [A really pretty girl, Edie, comes in and comes up to Steve.] Edie: Are you Steve Beauchamp? Steve: [He stands up] Uh, yeah. Edie: I’m Edie. I heard you have a beautiful voice Steve: Well I used to, [looks sideways at Marty and emphasises his words] but I’d better not any more. Edie: That’s too bad. I was looking for someone to sing with. [She smiles at him sweetly and goes to sit at the front. Jab comes up with a blue folder.] Jab: Beauchamp, lets start with that beautiful voice of yours. [He hands him the folder. Edie is watching him and smiling. Steve holds it up to his face and whispers to Marty] Steve: Zap me. Marty: But I thought you didn’t want me to...... Steve: Zap me! [Marty zaps him and starts conducting. Steve starts to sing and throws the folder to one side. He walks up towards the stage as he sings and the rest of the choir starts to sway, apart from Edie who just watches him and smiles.] Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me e e eeee [jazzed up! Everyone claps] [Scene: Steve’s front room. Judy and Katie are in the kitchen sorting out dinner. Steve walks in.] Steve: Hi, Mom. Hi, Katie. [He throws his bag on the couch.] Judy: Hi, Steve. [Marty walks through the closed door after Steve.] Steve: What a great day it was today, huh? Judy: Wow, you look like you’re on Cloud 9. Marty: Cloud 9? I’ve been there. It’s no biggy. I get my kicks on Cloud 66 [spot where I got the name for my page. Judy takes something out of the oven.] Steve: Aw, maccaroni and cheese. Crumbled potato chip crust, [he goes to pinch some but Judy stops him] Mom, you are the best! Katie: Mom, Steve’s scaring me. [Judy puts the food on the table and Steve and Katie go to sit down.] Steve: I’m just happy because I joined the choir today. Judy: YOU joined the choir? I mean, of course you joined the choir. Is it a singing choir, honey? [Pam comes in the front door.] Pam: Hey, guys. Judy: Hi, Pam. Pam: Sis, did you get younger since last night? Judy: You’re sweet. Pam: No, I mean it. It’s creeping me out. Katie: Guess what Aunt Pam? Steve just joined the choir. Pam: You? Heh heh heh heh heh heh, come on, fess up. You did it to meet girls. Steve: Aunt Pam, I don’t do everything to meet girls. Pam: Yeah , right. By the way, here’s your application for nursing school. [She throws a leaflet onto the table in front of him.] [Scene: School hall. Steve and Marty are walking down the stairs. Marty’s reading the nursing school leaflet. Edie comes running after them.] Edie: Hey, Steve. Are you excited about the concert tonight? Steve: Oh, yeah! Edie: I can’t wait to harmonise with you. [She smiles and walks off.] Steve: Marty, did you hear that? Marty: This nursing school looks great! D’ya think they need cadavers? Steve: Forget that! D’ya think I should make my move on Edie? Marty: Sure! [Steve starts to go] But before you do, are you sure she like you, or your voice, cause if it’s your voice then she really likes me. And I’m not seeing women right now, mostly cause they can’t see me. Steve: That’s ridiculous. Edie likes me for me. [Steve goes off to class. Edie’s still a little way down the corridor getting books out of her locker.] Marty: Let me do some research here. [He walks down to were Edie and her friend are sorting out their lockers. He snaps his fingers and Edie’s friend goes over to her.] Friend: Edie, would you ever go out with a guy who couldn’t sing? Edie: Gross! [They both go back to what they were doing.] Marty: I was afraid of that. Hey, I could find out a lot of things. [He snaps his fingers again and Edie’s friend walks back over to her.] Friend: Edie, what did you think of Marty DePolo when he was alive? Edie: Gross! Marty: I’m not licked yet! [Snaps his fingers again.] Friend: Edie, what would you think of Marty DePolo if he were alive and he could sing? Edie: Gross! Marty: [goes to snap his fingers again but thinks better of it.] I give up. [Scene: This is one of those scenes when you have the shot of the map and the route the bus is travelling on. It starts with a shot of the bus and the choir waving out of the windows with Steve and the choir singing ‘oh when the saints’over everything. There’s a map shot with the bus going down route 99. The first stop is Sammy Davis Jr. Junior High school. The choir are on stage and continue to sing ‘oh when the saints’ with Marty down in front conducting Steve and having a little dance around. The map shot then shows them going back up route 99 and then turn onto route 66. The song they’re singing changes to ‘Amazing grace’. The next stop in the ‘Society of Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves’. Marty gets too carried away with the conducting and everyone stares at Steve. Marty gives an ‘oops’ look. They stop singing and the map shot shows them going back down route 66 to ‘the nudists of America’ concert, where every one just stares in shock out into the audience, apart from Marty who has a huge grin on his face. The map shot shows a page a day calender counting down some days, then there’s a shot of a poster which reads ‘Courtney Love Women’s Prison. Coming soon, Steve and Edie with the Thurgood Marshall High School Choir’. Then there’s a news paper with the headline reading ‘Steve and Edie play the palace.’ We then get a shot of a banner reading ‘The Palace retirement home welcomes Steve & Edie’, and now the scene finally gets started. The choir are just about to go on.] Edie: Good luck, Steve. [She goes up toward the stage. Steve turns to Marty] Steve: Alright, I’ve made up my mind. I’m gonna ask her out. Marty: Dude, I’m telling you. She only liked you ‘cos of your voice. Steve: I don’t care. Marty: So this means I have to zap you as long as this relationship lasts. Dates, marriage, anniversaries? Steve: [Pleading] Look, I just wanna make out! [He walks up to join Edie.] Jab: Welcome to the Steve and Edie concert featuring the Marshall High choir. We’ve had a great season and this is our last stop. Laurie[an old lady]: Good, cause this is our last stop too. Jab: Yes, well, enjoy the show. [Marty Zaps Steve and the choir starts to sing ‘Green Sleaves’ and he conducts for a little while before leaving him and going over to the buffet table.] Marty: [Spies a bowl of punch.] Mmm, choo, choo, cherry! [He picks up the ladle and drinks some.] Laurie: Hey, use a cup. Nobody wants your back wash. [Marty looks at her the spits out his mouthful of punch.] Marty: You talking to me? Laurie: No. I’m talking to the other kid in the silver pyjamas. [He goes right up in front of her and puts his hands on the arms of her wheel chair. He moves his head from side to side and she follows it.] Marty: You can see me? Laurie: Yeah! But I’m trying to see the choir. [She leans right to one side to see the choir then thinks again.] Nah, I’ll look at you. [Marty jumps back and looks worried but thoughtful.] [Same scene but after the concert.] Steve: Hey, Edie. Edie: Hey, Steve. Are you free this weekend? Steve: Uh, sure! Actually, I was just gonna ask you that. Well, I was gonna ask you at the women’s prison, but then that riot broke out and all those people were dying. Edie: Well, you know there’s a talent show this Saturday and I thought maybe we could sing. Steve: Do we really have to sing? I was kinda hoping that this performance at the old folks home was gonna be my triumphant finale. [He looks at the old folks in the front row who are asleep] Edie: Steve, you never wanna sing and I don’t know why. You have a very sexy voice. Steve: [his voice goes squeaky] Well I [he clears his throat.] Edie: Steve, do it for me. Please? [She kisses him on the cheek.] Steve: OK. [She grins widely and walks off. Marty runs up and taps him on the shoulder.] She just entered me in a talent show. Marty: You think you’ve got problems! [He points to the Laurie.] I have to give her a luffa bath. [Commercial break.] [Scene: Steve’s front room. Marty’s standing in the kitchen area with a giant comb combing his feathers.] Marty: 97, 98, 99....[Steve comes in through the kitchen.] Steve: What are you doing? Marty: Now that somebody can see me I have to look my best. [He pulls out the comb and sees it has a feather stuck in it.] Steve: Man, you’re really losing your feathers over this. [Marty retacts his wings.] Marty: Yeah! I still don’t understand how this happened. Steve: Well, maybe you’re starting to become visable. [Katie comes in] Katie: Steve, can I borrow a pen? [Marty knees down right in front of her so he’s level with her.] Marty: Wha! Wha! Oogley boogley! Blaaa aaa aaa aaah! Bla? [Steve hands Katie a pen] Katie: Thanks. [She walks off.] Marty: Scratch that therory. [There’s a knock at the door.] Steve: Oh great, that’s Edie. [He stands up to get it.] Marty: Man, how long can you keep fooling this girl? Steve: How many times did you tell girls you were the boy from E.T.? Marty: That never worked. That’s my point! [She knocks again and Steve heads towards the door.] Dude, she’s a nice girl. It’s not right to keep lying to her. Steve: When did you get so holier than thou? Marty: Since I became an angel. [He puts his hands together, spreads his wings and a halo appears over his head.] Steve: Oh, right. Listen, just help me out, OK? [Steve answers the door.] Hi, Edie. Edie: Hi. Steve: Ready to rehearse? Edie: [She comes in and shuts the door.] Oh, um, we can rehearse a little later. [Steve leads her into the front room and motions to Marty to leave.] This may sound a little bit weird, but, could you sing to me? [Steve motions to Marty to stop. He turns back] It just does something to me. [Steve waves Marty closer. Marty zaps him and Steve starts to sing.] Edie: That is so beautiful. You sing like an angel. Steve and Marty: Thank you. [Marty and Steve look at eachother, then Marty zaps him again and he continues to sing.] Edie: Oh, Steve. [She grabs him and they kiss. Steve waves Marty away again. He starts to leave.] Don’t stop, keep singing. [Marty comes back and zaps him. Steve sings. She kisses him again. Marty starts to leave again.] Sing! [Marty comes back. Steve finishes the song on an espesically long note. Steve looks in pain and Marty looks strained. He runs out of breath and finishes the song with a coughing fit. Edie hugs him] Encore! Steve: [Breathless] No! [Marty’s leaning on the side board looking just as worn out.] [Scene: The rock in space. Marty walks on.] Marty: Mr Head. Mr Head? Yo! Headster! [Heady apears but doesn’t look at him] Heady: Mr Stalone? You’re not due here till ninteen nintey.......[sees who it is] Oh, it’s you, Marty. So, what can I do for you? Marty: Steve’s been driving me crazy with this singing. See, I played this prank on him where I gave him a beautiful voice. Heady: You don’t have to tell me. I’m omnipotent. Marty: Oooo! Well don’t feel bad. It happens to a lot of men your age. Heady: What are you talking about? Marty: What are YOU talking about? Heady: I’m not talking ab.......Look. Don’t worry about Steve. When someone pretends to be something they’re not sooner or later he’ll get caught. Marty: Listen. The other reason I’m here is ‘cos I met this Laurie who can see me. Heady: Ah, yes. Marty, I’m afraid she’s about to make the transistion. Marty: Transistion? [realising] Oh, no. Heady: There’s no reason to be sad. What lies ahead is a glorious experience. Marty: Yeah, it’s OK. Maybe that’s why she’s so cranky, ‘cos she’s afraid of what’s coming. [Heading is now shaving with a giant electric shaver.] Hey, do you think I should go talk to her? Heady: That would be very nice, Marty. [The shaver floats off.] You know what else would be very nice? If you tossed me that towel. [A towel apears in the air beside Marty.] Marty: No problem. [He picks it up and throws it to Heady. It lands on his face and gets stuck. He tries to shake it off. When that doesn’t work he tries to blow it off, but it stays put] [Scene: School auditorium. It’s the night of the talent contest and the room is full. Judy, Katie and Pam are in the audience. Nitzke is on the stage.] Nitzke: Good evening. Welcome to the Thurgood Marshall High folies. Now remember, this is a talent show, but we should also applaude for those who are less talented. [The audience claps.] Not me!Alright, our first act. Let’s have a big round of applause for Jordan and Dude. [The audience claps again as Jordan comes out with a dummy on his arm and carrying a glass of water. He sits down on the stool in the centre of the stage.] Jordan: Dude, check out the crowd! You nervous Dude? [He holds up the dummy and shows him the audience.] Dude! Katie: Dude kicks Lambchop’s butt. Judy: Katie! Katie: Well he does. [Cut to back stage where Steve is all dressed up and looking worried. Edie comes running up to him all dressed up to but looking much happier than he does.] Edie: Steve, did you see first prize? A jet ski! Steve: Yeah, well eighth prize is really nice too. A free tacco with purchase of same. Edie: Don’t be silly, we’re going to win. [She walks off. Steve looks up.] Steve: Marty, I need ya, man! [Scene: The old fokes home. The Laurie is just sitting in her wheelchair in the corridor. Marty walks out of the wall but she doesn’t see him yet.] Marty: Hi! Remember me? Laurie: Oh yeah! You’re the kid that stood infront of me so I couldn’t see the choir. Thank you! Marty: Actually, I’m an angel. Laurie: An angel? Marty: From Heaven. Laurie: Uh huh. I’m a gymnast from Romania. Marty: Look, I really am an Angel. Laurie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Marty: You want proof. You were married to a man named Mich. Even though your name is Laurie he called you Laura Lee, because that’s the name of his favourite song. He sang that song to you on your wedding night, and before he died he promised he’d sing it to you one day again. Laurie: You couldn’t have known that. You are an angel. But why are you coming here to see me? [Marty stands up and holds out his hands. Understanding]Oh oh! Marty: There’s nothing to be afraid of. I just came down because I thought you might want to talk to someone before you meet the Head. Laurie: The who? Marty: No, the Who’s going to that other place. [He holds out a hand for her] Laurie: Well, where exactly are we going? Marty: Heaven! Laurie: Oh! [She takes his hand and stands up.] Moving on up! [They link arms.] Oh, you’re such a nice young man. Here’s a dollar. [She produces a dollar bill.] Marty: I can’t take tips. Laurie: Well, have a pepper mint. [She pulls out a sweet.] Marty: OK! [He takes it. They walk back through the wall together.] [Scene: The auditorium. The twins are on stage wearing sunglasses and rapping.] Twin#1: We used to wear hats, just like the Mad Hatter. Twin#2: We used to be fat, but now we’re fatter. Twin#1: Fat....fffffffff....Fatter! Katie: Bring back Dude! Judy: Katie, that’s not very polite. Pam: Bring back Dude! Nitzke: That was the Pastey Boys. Twin#2: Excuse me Mr Nitzke, that’s the Pastery Boys. Nitzke: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insult you Pop and Fresh. [He pokes him in the tummy and he giggles. They both wave and go off. Cut to back stage. Steve and Edie are there] Edie: We’re on next. [She kisses Steve and walks off.] Steve: Marty, where are you, man? [Scene: The rock in space. Marty and the Laurie are standing on the rock.] Marty: I’d like you to meet a new member of Heaven. I told her all about you. Laurie: You didn’t tell me he was so handsome. Heady: Well, thank you. Marty: She’s right. You are a honey. Heady: Silence! [Marty hangs his head] I hope your trip here was enjoyable. Laurie: Oh it was very nice thank you. And Marty was such a great comfort to me. Heady: [lacking enthusiasm] Yes, yes, he’s a constant joy. Anyway, we’re going to do our best to make your stay here as wonderful as possible. We’ll start things off with a nice gift basket. [A gift basket apears in the air next to the Laurie. She looks pleased but Marty looks surprised.] Marty: Gift basket? Heady: It’s full of goodies to help with your adjustment. Laurie: [Looking through the basket]Ooo, turtle wax! Marty: I didn’t get a gift basket. Heady: Marty. Marty: Where’s my turtle wax? Heady: Marty, don’t you have someplace else to be? Marty: Not really. [Looks in the basket. To the lady]Are you gonna eat that salami? Heady: Go help Steve with the talent show! Marty: Aw, man! [he waves good-bye to the Laurie and pops out.] Laurie: Marty tells me you work for him. Heady: He what? [Scene: auditorium. Steve and Edie are on stage at the beginning of their number. They’re stepping from side to side and clicking their fingers.] Edie: [singing]That old black magic has me in a spell. Old black magic that you weave so well. Steve: [Singing unbearably badly.] Those iced fingers up and down my spine.[Edie’s face drops and she looks shocked.] The same old witch craft when your eyes meet mine. [Jab on the piano stares at him in shock.] Edie: The same old jingle that I feel inside. Steve: And then the elevator starts its ride. [Edie stops dancing at him and gives him a confused look.] Edie: Down and down I go. Steve: Round and round I go. Edie: In a spin. Loving the spin I’m in. [She runs off. Jab has stopped playing. Steve carries on.] Steve: Under the old black magic called LLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVV£”*)%£!£%)*!*”_%£%)”VVVVVVVVEEE! [The audience are holding back sniggers. Judy half thinks about clapping, but doesn’t. Steve runs back stage after Edie.] Edie: I’ve never been so embassassed in my life! Steve: Edie, listen, I can explain. [thinks] actually, no I can’t. Edie: I never want to talk to you again.[She runs off and Marty pops in.] Steve: Marty, where have you been? I just humiliated myself, and I killed any chance I had with Edie. Marty: Sorry, I was busy. Steve: Busy! What could have been more important than this? Marty: Helping an elderly lady make the transistion to a better place. Steve: Alright, that’s one. Marty: I’m sorry about Edie. Steve: She never really liked me. But someday I’m gonna find a girl who can appreciate my talent. Rock collecting. Marty: No one can touch your feldz spar, man. Steve: I have to admit, you were right all along. From now on nothing but the truth. [the twins come up to him] Twin#1: Hey Steve! Twin#2: How were we? Steve: You guys were great! [Tag Scene: Steve’s room. Steve’s sitting at his desk when Judy comes running in.] Judy: Steve, Steve, come quick. I have to see this! [They both run out and the scene cuts to the front room where Katie is standing on the table singing in the same voice Steve was singing in before with Marty conducting.] Katie: Swing low, sweet chariot. I said ah coming forth to carry me home! Swing low, sweet chariot, coming forth to carry me home. [She jumps off the table and starts to dance around the room. Judy claps along and then Steve joins in.] Katie: Well I looked over Jordan and what did I see, coming forth to carry me home? [All four of them start dancing around in a line.] A band of angels, coming after me, coming forth to carry me home. Swing low, yeah, sweet chariot, coming forth to carry me home, I said, swing low, swing low, sweet chariot, Lord, coming forth to carry me home. [Steve opens the door and Katie and Judy leave still singing. He follows on the Marty sits himself down on the couch and pulls out a magazine to relax.] The End!!!!!