 | [Movie Reviews] [New Spaper] [Staff Condo] [The Rectum]
[Golf Shack] -- [Crazy Bob Shoppe] -- [Kysmet Page] -- [Intelligence Test] |
|
[Back to the New Spaper]
[Part 1 (Mar. 97)] [Part 2 (Apr. 97)] [Part 3 (May 97)] [Part 4 (Jun.-Jul. 97)]
[Part 5 (Aug. 97)] [Part 6 (Sep.-Dec. 97)] [Part 7 (Jan. 98)] [Part 8 (Feb. 98)]
[Part 9 (Mar. 98)] [Part 10 (Apr. 98)] [Part 11 (May-Jun. 98)] [Part 12 (Jul. 98)]
[Part 13 (Aug. 98)] [Part 14 (Sep.-Nov. 98)] [Part 15 (Dec. 98)]
Once there was a man named Crazy Bob and his minions Chris, Craig, and Jon-Boy. They ran the most awesome webpage in the entire universe. One day they were making the webpage as normal when Crazy Bob suddenly broke out in a fit of Ebola. The three amigos didn't even notice that Crazy's skin lesions began to erupt and spew pus all over the place. (One hour later) Chris turns around for a Coke and notices Mr. Bob lying lifelessly on the floor. They wanted to call for an ambulance, but because they owned no phone they were forced to use their moped to get Crazy Bob to the nearest hospital. All three jumped on the single-seated moped and held Crazy up as they began the trek to the hospital (since Crazy Bob had set up his store in Deadwater, Wyoming the nearest hospital was over five hundred miles away).
Traveling at just under thirty miles an hour, they set out at breakfast and had made it down the block by lunchtime. Jon-Boy jumped off and said, "Oh, my God! I spotted the Energizer Bunny! Look guys...(he pointed to a field off the highway)." He suggested that they chase after it, but just then a gang of bikers turned the corner with beer in their beards and blood on thier knives and said, "Hey, look, it's the Energizer Bunny!" Thinking quickly, Chris and Craig pushed Jon-Boy off the moped and pulled out the secret fuel-injected jet engine. They shot off at near the speed of light (after turning on the headlight, just to see what would happen). By the time they slowed down they were pulling into San Francisco with Crazy Bob.
Chris and Craig pulled their jet-engine-propelled moped to a stop in downtown San Francisco and looked around. They were sure they had left Jon-Boy and the Energizer Bunny back in Wyoming. Suddenly, one of the San Franciscanites ran up to Chris and Craig and shouted, "Oh my God, the Japs are coming!" Chris and Craig thought nothing of it until the citizen's body disintegrated under the heavy firepower from a ship in the bay. Chris squinted as he read the side of the ship, "S.S. Honogocila". It turned out it was a Japanese ship manned by Hispanics, and they were flinging Gila Monster dung (which they had bought from Crazy Bob) at San Francisco. After dropping Crazy Bob off in the care of the good citizen's mistress's mailman, they pulled out the helicopter extension on their moped and flew out to the warship to do battle with el Capitan El Mucho Phoocho. El Mucho Phoocho happened to be in the jon at the moment, so Chris and Craig went to the el primo de mayto (the first mate) instead. Once we had ripped his spleen through his buttucks, we started searching for el Capitan as the boat set sail for Japan.
Meanwhile, back in Deadwater, Wyoming...
Jon-Boy and the Energizer Bunny had joined the gang of bikers. However, they quickly found out that Jon-Boy did not drink beer or have a knife and the Energizer Bunny was simply Satanic. They kicked them both out of the gang of bikers left them near Urbana-Champagne, Illinois, just as the Frontier Days festival was beginning. Jon-Boy walked up to the nearest phone booth and dialed up Craig's cellular phone. Craig answered and explained what they were doing (above paragraph), as Chris "tortured" el Capitan's 21-year-old supermodel daughter. Jon-Boy asked for a ride since his mom was still mad at him. Craig replied that no one on the ship except the supermodel daughter knew how to drive the ship, so they were heading straight for the Japanese coastline. Jon-Boy said okay and asked if he should bring some cotton candy back. Craig said okay and hung up. Then Jon-Boy and the Energizer Bunny went off to see if they could find and exorcist at Frontier Days in Urbana-Champagne, Illinois.
Our story picks up in Urbana-Champagne, Illinois ...
Jon-Boy and the Energizer Bunny had been wandering the streets of Urbana-Champagne for some time before they realized there weren't many people celebrating Frontier Days. When they inquired to the nearest passerby as to why nobody was out having fun, the passerby remarked "They cancelled everyone's favorite sporting event. The 50 mile Fat Man Butter Slide is the only thing everyone looks forward to." Jon-boy and the imfamous bunny look strangly at the man and think nothing of it at the time. Then they heard a low rumbling, and Jon-Boy looked over and saw a glass of water vibrate. He and the energizer bunny looked at each other, and then glanced behind themselves to see four hundred bearded, thousand-pound toothless women named Margaret coming at them at seventy miles per hour down the 50-mile Fat Man Butter Slide. They then looked down and saw they were standing on the finish line, where the women's speed would be the greatest. They knew it was hopeless to outrun the women, so they quickly covered eachother with polydihydrochloridic acid. It reacted with Mr. Bunny's battery acid (the one kind of acid not found in Rayovac) and started to burn the lard off the large bearded women as they passed through the wall 'o' fire. Then the women became thin and changed their names to Beth. They all got up, looked at their incredibly huge panties, and shrieked before running away. Meanwhile, the Energizer Bunny had exploded and singed Jon-Boy's nose hairs off (they later found a mallet over twenty yards from the site of the explosion ... the other remains were not located and are presumed to have gone up to the big battery recharger in the sky). As Jon-Boy picks up the pieces, our story shifts to Craig and Chris ...
Chris had just finished off with El Capitan El Mucho Phoocho's 21-year-old supermodel daughter. Craig was about to take his turn when the boat crashed into the coastline of Japan and threw all of the Mexican terrorists overboard. Suddenly the ship blew up and sent Craig and Chris flying towards the mainland, right onto the slopes of Mount Hirosaki. They looked up to see a very large and very angry samurai looking down at them. He said, "gidakuki fuckame sentimus quiweckio." Craig quickly translated this into, "I need some help with my john, are you guys plumbers?" We decided to play around with him a little and said we were. He turned around, motioned that we should follow, and started off towards his home. Suddenly, as we were talking, a big hairy man driving a Mitsubishi golf cart began to bear down on us, swinging a badminton racket over his head like a rabid bitch queen. Chris jumped on top of the golf cart and strangled the man while Craig kicked him off and took control of the cart. Soon both Chris and Craig were riding the golf cart as they realized it was a plot by the large, angry samurai to kill us. Chris and Craig ran him over and left his corpse in the snow. Then we drove off for the large samurai's house.
Our story picks up on the slopes of Mount Hirosaki...
Chris and Craig had just entered the very large samurai's house when they were immediately confronted with the sight of the large samurai's naked 21-year-old daughter. Chris and Craig flipped a coin over who would get to go first, and Chris won. He immediately began taking his "turn," but Craig got bored and wandered off through the house. Just then his cell phone rang again, with Jon-Boy on the other end. Jon-Boy said, "Hey, man. The bunny is dead...DEAD! I don't know what to do. I have to get revenge." "Slow Down." Craig interjected, just as loud yell eminated from the other room. Craig burst in to find the large samurai's daughter dead on the floor. Craig was very angry that he wouldn't get his "turn", so he took it out on Jon-Boy. Craig cussed and swore and told Jon-Boy to do whatever he wanted, just to get the f--k off the phone! Then he hung up. As Craig turned back to Chris, twenty ninjas in spandex jumped through the paper walls, holding 15-pound salamis. Chris did a double-over-the-shoulder-backwards-suplex-roundhouse-kick and knocked two of the ninjas out a window. Craig quickly got into his "attack mode" and randomly killed the ninjas with his ear lobe. But just then, the main ninja jumped through the wall. He was carrying a 34-foot samurai sword. Chris and Craig ran out of the room, into the Mitsubishi golf cart that they had left running, just as the ninjas came after them...
Meanwhile, Jon-Boy had set about preparing his revenge on the four hundred toothless now-skinny women named Beth. He had ordered several thermonuclear missiles from Acme, along with some fishing wire, plumber's putty, and a bag of Skittles to hold him over. Then he attached all of the missiles by the fishing wire with plumber's putty and fashioned it into a necklace which he gave to the nearest now-skinny toothless woman named Beth. Then he ran away. Soon, all of the women named Beth had been destroyed under a gazillion megatons of nuclear doom, but their remains were shot into space where they impacted with an alien spacecraft. Soon the alien spacecraft crash landed on Earth and three green, one-eyed, triple-breasted, bald, toothless, long-necked aliens stepped out and said, "We are from Zambalblack. Give us your Skittle-bearer or we will destroy your planet." Jon-Boy refused.
Remember Crazy Bob? We last left off with him with a 19-year-old Swedish nurse, and Crazy B. was dying from Ebola. His lawyer had a copy of his will and found out that Mr. Bob had left his Crazy Bob franchise to Chris, Craig, and Jon-Boy. He sent out his lawyer's assistant, named Insane Robert, who wanted the Crazy Bob franchise to himself. He was ordered by law to take the information from the will to the three amigos. Instead he went to the Crazy Bob shop and changed the name to the Insane Robert Shop. Just then, back in Japan, Chris and Craig suddenly felt nausious...
Our story picks up somewhere in Illinois...
Jon-Boy, now alone in Urbana-Champagne, cautiously wandered over to the ruins of the crashed spacecraft. The three green, one-eyed, triple-breasted, bald, toothless, long-necked aliens became very mad at Jon-Boy for not giving them his Skittles. Then they pulled the deformed Energizer Bunny out of the spacecraft and held him up, threatening to cut off his ears if Jon-Boy didn't give them his Skittles. Jon-Boy refused again, quickly ingested the Skittles (bag and all), and started chewing on a quarter. The aliens got very mad and decided to get back at Jon-Boy. They entered the spacecraft, and they all blew a big fart. Mind you though, that Zambalblackians gas smells like granola bars and cherry Tootsie Rolls. Jon is overcomed by the smell and enters the spacecraft without a second thought. As the door shuts behind him, something seems to be flying at him in the darkness. Just then, a tentacle from the Fourth Alien wrapped around his neck and caused him to black out. When he woke up, he started to float and realized he was now high above Earth in the strangely now-function Zimbalblack spacecraft. Quickly, he began to push every button he could see until the craft started to move, speeding towards a nearby Space Shuttle. Just before impact, Jon-Boy slipped into an escape pod and ejected to watch the explosion...
Chris and Craig turn to the side and blow chunks. They knew something strange was happening back in Deadwater, WY. Suddenly, a loud humming noise comes out of the sky, and lo and behold Jon-Boy's escape pod comes crashing down behind them, smashing all the ninjas. Chris turns the wheel and skids the golf cart to a stop. Jon-Boy blows the door off the pod and climbs out, dazed and confused. "Guys," he said, "guys, I've started an inter-galactic war!" Chris and Craig laughed at him, not believing. He started to run at them to get on the golf cart, but Chris hit the gas pedal and the Mitsubishi drove off in a flurry of snow and exhaust. Realizing they had to get to Deadwater soon, Chris and Craig sealed themselves inside FedEx boxes and got there by 10:30 the next morning. As Insane Robert opened the boxes, Chris and Craig jumped out, armed to the teeth with Crazy Bob's Weapons-"O"-Death and threatened to blow Insane Robert to Kingdom Come, Hell, Alaska, Canada, and all other places that no one wants to go to. Just then, Insane Robert pulled out his own Weapon-"O"-Death and pointed it at the duo...
As Jon-Boy looked up and realized he was all alone in Japan with a bunch of dead ninjas, he saw a line of monks walking down the hillside carrying a 34-foot-salami. Jon-Boy, overpowered with hunger, soon ran right at the monks and chopped off a section of the salami with a sword he had picked up. The monks turned to Jon-Boy and asked him why he had touched their sacred weenie. Jon-Boy was about to respond when he blew one that smelled like cherry tootsie rolls and granola bars. What Jon-Boy did not know was that this noxious gas was the Zambalblackians' way of reproduction. Soon anyone who smelled the fumes would be displaying Zambalblackian characteristics within hours. As the monks stumbled around and dropped the weenie, it began to slide down the mountain. Jon-Boy, not wanting to lose his precious weenie, jumped on the back of it and rode the meat down the mountain. As the slope began to level off and Jon-Boy reached the bottom, he noticed a temple growing closer and closer. Soon he careened through a paper wall and impaled the head priest of the Chinese Orthodox Hindu Catholics with his weenie. He now found that he had come to a rest inside their sacred room. Just then some monks came running in and began shouting at Jon-Boy. They captured him and threw him in a dungeon to await execution by rat droppings by the Chinese rat dropping torturer...
At that very time, in Deadwater, Wyoming...
Chris and Craig and Insane Robert all turn as they hear the door open. There stood Insane Robert's 21-year-old swimsuit model daughter. She asked if they could quiet down because she was trying to get to sleep. Chris volunteered to "put her to bed." While they were waiting, Craig and Insane Robert put their Weapons-"O"-Death aside and had tea and crumpets while discussing the stock market. After Chris had "put her to bed," the 21-year-old swimsuit model's boyfriend named Butch came running in a fury. Without thinking, Chris stepped slightly out of the room and used his Weapon-"O"-Death to blow them both away. Craig sighed again as he realized he had missed his chance, but found consolation in the fact that he had sabatoged Insane Robert's Weapon-"O"-Death while he wasn't looking. As Insane Robert tried to fire his Weapon-"O"-Death, it just clicked and would not work. Chris and Craig smiled as they realized they had Insane Robert where they wanted him...
Craig and Chris laughed maniacally at Insane Robert and shouted, "You thought you could beat us! Ha! The MINIONS will RISE above the scum-BUTTOCKS of your likes!" Insane Robert looked around and realized that he had seven toothpicks, three Sorry! pieces, and a Styrofoam cup of chicken broth from Adolf the Soup Nazi. He quickly constructed a wireframe with the toothpicks, created a combustion chamber out of the Sorry! pieces, poured the chicken broth in, and then farted with a match to his BUTTOCKS. Instantly his rocket erupted in flame, shot up his open anus, ripped a hole through his colon, glanced off his right kidney, and lodged itself below his eighth left rib. Soon the pressure built up and the makeshift rocket launched him through the skylight in Crazy Bob's Shoppe. He sailed away, only a speck in the sky; but Chris and Craig knew they had not seen the last of him. However, they were honor- and duty-bound to the late CB to run the Shoppe in his absence. Everything seemed to be back to normal until the next Tuesday, when a little Siamese guy and his 19-year-old European Victoria's Secret model friend strutted in. The little Siamese guy had a weird bulge in his pants, and we knew something was up. Literally. Then the little Siamese guy reached down in his pants, rummaged around for awhile, and pulled out an RCP-90 heavy machine gun. He pointed it at the two minions and said, "I know you have connections with the Zambalblackians. Take me to them!"
Two seconds later, in the Chinese dungeon of rat-droppings,
Jon-Boy was strapped to the machine, dressed in tight black leather. Then he looked over and saw his old friend, the Energizer Bunny, laying on a torturing rack. Mr. Bunny, of course, was missing one mallet, and had an oversized fishhook tool lodged in his penal colony. Jon-Boy said, "Man, you just keep coming and coming!" Then, as the rat-dropping torturer approached, Jon-Boy remembered that he had eaten a hunting knife some time ago. If only he could barf it up! He quickly started to convulse, and soon had hawked up an M-16. Jon-Boy cursed as this was not what he wanted. He threw it away. Then he ralphed again and pulled out a grenade launcher. He swore loudly and threw it near the Energizer Bunny. Finally, he worfed up his hunting knife and slit the leather restraints just as the rat droppings began to drop. Then he cut Mr. Bunny loose, and EB picked up the grenade launcher. Then Jon-Boy strapped EB to his back and ran out of the dungeon as the bunny laid hell and damnation behind them in a massive wall of fire. But just as they were about to escape, the bunny yelled, "I will dance with you in the six-sided ring of FIRE!" Then a stray shot struck the bunny in the drum and the last thing Jon-Boy felt was the bunny falling off his back and getting sucked down an air shaft. Jon-Boy finally reached the surface and found he was all alone in China. Until he saw the Chinese Orthodox Hindu Catholic god, Tsirc Trapczar IV, coming down to him from the heavens.
Jon-Boy looked up to the skies and saw the translucent figure of Tsirc Trapczar IV, the Chinese Orthodox Hindu Catholic god, descending from the clouds. The T-man was about to castrate Jon-Boy for diminishing his empire when Jon-Boy suddenly arched his back and imploded. When he came to, Jon-Boy looked down and realized he was now a Zambalblackian. The transformation was complete! (If you do not remember why, this is because JB had ingested the noxious fumes from the Zambalblackians' farts - see the archives for previous stories.) The T-man was taken aback at this sudden turn of events, but knew it must still be Jon-Boy, and went after him anyway. Before the T-man could "grind Mr. Boy's meat," Jon-Boy vanished into a cloud of blue sparklie-things. The T-man knew that JB had only done this to spite him, and so returned to the heavens to gather his army in the war against hell!
Twelve time zones away, in Deadwater, Wyoming ...
Chris and Craig stared down the barrel of an RCP-90 that the Siamese guy had pulled from his loins. They had unfortunately placed their Weapons-"O"-Death twenty meters away - next to the microwave and were powerless. The little guy from Siam laughed, and in that split-second, Chris and Craig jumped to the side as he shot off several hundred rounds. Recovering themselves, the two minions saw that the Siamese man had cut a two-foot hole in the wall. Looking through, they saw that it went clear back to the bathroom, where Loco Joe had been taking a long-awaited crap on the throne. Note the words "had been taking," as Loco Joe was now nothing more than a mangled bunch of flesh and intestines and shit. Then the Siamese guy shot at Chris and Craig again, but missed because of heavy recoil. This time he had blown up Loco Joe's Nook with his heavy firepower. Chris and Craig were in no mood to stop him, because he had singlehandedly destroyed the most useless parts of the site. The Siamese guy stopped firing and laughed again. Then he said, "You are more cunning than I could ever imagine! You will now take me to the Zambalblackians, yes?" Chris and Craig had a feeling that this guy was just a really bad shot, but it was Tuesday and they needed something to do. So they said, "Okay!!" Then everyone piled into the Mitsubishi golf cart and Chris pushed down on the accelerator.
Craig and Chris and the little Siamese guy - wait a second. Craig looked over and asked him, "What IS your name??" The Siamese guy responded, "Al-sefu." Chris said, "How about we call you Al?" And the little Siamese guy - Al - nodded. So anyway - Chris and Craig and Al and his 19-year-old European Victoria's Secret model friend all pulled up to the Deadwater, Wyoming, McDonald's in the golf cart. They had come here because they figured Jon-Boy, in his never-ending quest to consume all fast food on the planet, would visit here before making his way back to CB's shoppe. Once inside, they found that JB was not here, so Craig took orders for everyone. Chris said he was going to take Al's 19-year-old Victoria's Secret model friend outside to the back seat of the golf cart. Winking he said, "Get me some fries - I'm going to teach her to drive my cart. It's a stickshift, a bit harder to control." Craig nodded and began to order when three Zambalblackian stormtroopers beamed down and pointed their weapons at Craig and Al. The nearest one shouted, "There you are, Al-sefu Qwekbar!" Al began to reach into his loins for his RCP-90 when the leader pressed a button on his armband and Al disappeared in a shimmer of sparklie-things. Then the leader looked at Craig, and Craig noticed that he was chewing on something - QUARTERS! Could it be Jon-Boy? It can't be! Before he could think any further, Craig saw the world fade out in some sparklie-things. When he came to, he found himself in a jail cell with Chris lying next to him. Craig sighed as he realized - AGAIN - that he would not get his chance at the Grade A meat, but realized that he and Chris had more important things to worry about.
When Craig and Chris had both recovered from the transporting effects, they looked around and reasoned that they were aboard the Zambalblackians' spaceship. They saw that the Zambalblackians had left one stormtrooper to guard them - the same trooper that had been chewing on the QUARTERS! Then Craig got an idea. He pulled a shiny new great big 1998 Kennedy half-dollar from his pocket and tossed it to Chris, who quickly caught on. Chris waved the huge monetary piece in the guard's face. "You want this, don't you? Good for chewing on! Better than that quarter," he taunted. Soon the guard had dropped his moldy old quarter for the huge half-dollar. Just as he was about to grab it, though, Chris dropped it inside their cell. The guard realized he'd have to come into the cell, but that was no problem since he wanted the half-dollar so bad. As soon as he opened the cell door, though, Chris and Craig pulled him in and then escaped, locking him in with his half-dollar. Soon they were roaming about the ship when they chanced upon a room full of Zambalblackian weapons. A certain gun immediately caught the two amigos' eyes. It was shaped like a pistol but it had a keypad on it. Next to the gun was a listing of three codes, which gave the numbers for ZAMBALBLACKIAN, GOAT, and THREE-TOED SLOTH. They guessed it was a shape-changing gun, and immediately grabbed it to take back to JB. Not having a better option, they punched in the code for goat and shot the Zambalblackian they thought was JB. He transformed into a goat, but alarms started going off everywhere. Soon stormtroopers were breaking into the room, and Chris was turning them all into goats. Craig grabbed the JB goat and followed Chris as he ran off down the hall. Luckliy, they discovered a transporter room. Throwing the JB goat onto the pad and setting in the coordinates, Craig joined Chris and JB on the pad and waited as the blue sparklie-things surrounded them once again.
As the little blue sparklie-things cleared away, Chris and Craig realized they were standing in Cuba. They knew this because - well, they didn't know, but that's where they were. Anyway, as they all came to and made sure they had the JB goat with them, they realized that in the process of beaming down from the Zambalblackian mothership, they had lost the shape-changing gun. "Oh fuck." Chris and Craig looked over and realized that the goat had just said a swear-word. "Jon-Boy?" Chris exclaimed, incredulous that the goat could talk. "Can you hear us?" The goat looked up at them. "Of course I can, you imbeciles! So you can stop making fun of me because I can't see R-rated movies!" Craig looked down at the goat. "Jon, goats can't watch movies." The Jon-goat swore again and again, and then ran over to a nearby townsperson and peed on his foot. Chris and Craig apologized and quickly subdued the goat, tying its mouth shut with its own ears (Jon-goats have long ears). Then they realized they had to find the shape-changing gun, and more importantly, get back to the Shoppe before Insane Robert.
Unfortunately, they needed to get off the island, so they quickly considered their options. They needed a boat, they needed a way to pay for it, and their only worldly possession was a goat that could swear. So they quickly traded the JB goat for a 50-foot yacht to a local used yacht salesman/vulgar goat collector. However, before they saled off in their shiny new vessel, which they had christened S.S.S.S. Buoyant Mass of Steel and Rotting Wood (otherwise known as the S.S.S.S. B.M.S.R.W.), they tied a 200-foot-chain to the Jon-goat's left shin. Then, as they were cruising out into the Gulf of Mexico at 50 knots, the chain caught and yanked the vulgar goat into the water. He soon learned to waterski bare-hooved. Just hours later the trio was pulling into a port in Memphis, Tennessee. Craig secured the goat, and then Chris and Craig went into the city to hail a taxi for the ride back home to Deadwater. Soon they were crusing cross-country with the JB goat in a taxi driven by a man named Ezekiel. Ezekiel was kind enough to take them all the way back to the middle of nowhere, and they tipped him kindly after the trip. Then they turned and went into CB's Shoppe. Then Craig's and Chris's jaws dropped open. Jon's would've too, but it was still tied shut. They saw al-Sefu Qwekbar and Insane Rob behind the counter, about to sell off the shape-changing gun to a little old lady. The Jon-goat screamed!
Our story resumes at the Shoppe in Deadwater, Wyoming ...
Chris, Craig, and the JB goat all looked on in amazement as the little old lady accepted the shape-changing gun from al-Sefu Qwekbar and Insane Robert. In a quick motion, Craig kicked JB in the rump and the goat charged madly at the trio. The Jon-goat jumped wildly into the air, muttering a bunch of muffled curse-words, and crashed into the candy rack. Covered with Skittles and Sour Patch Kids, but undaunted, he careened forward, clawing his way up onto the counter and knocking the shape-changing gun out of the little old lady's hand with a mighty shove from his head. It skittered into a corner, just out of everyone's reach, but it was plainly obvious that Insane Robert and Al were quite mad. They quickly pulled out CB's infamous Weapon-"O"-Death and set it to Rocks Covered With Flaming Tar. Soon the front wall of the Shoppe was ablaze as they tried wildly to kill Chris and Craig. The duo jumped behind a rack of nudie magazines as cover and caught their breath. "Hey, you stupid krauts! We have your goat!" the two bad guys shouted. They heard the unmistakable muffled swear-words coming from JB's mouth. Craig and Chris were still searching for a way to rescue JB when they heard a shrill cry pierce the air. Peeking over the top of the magazine rack, they saw the little old lady break into a massive fit of ebon-fu, shouting, "Yo mamma!" and "Muthafuckas gonna pay!" and "You steppin', foo?" The watched in amazement as she quickly disarmed the two men and grabbed the JB goat, running out the door with the shape-changing gun. Al and Insane Robert ran out after her.
Only moments later, Chris and Craig had put out the fire on the front wall of the store and cleaned up most of the mess. Soon they were plotting their revenge on both Insane Robert and Al and the little old lady whom they now called Grandmama. Unfortunately, they had no idea where to start. They sat down for tea and crumpets when they saw a trail of Skittles leading out the front door. Following the little colored candies, and hoping to taste the rainbow more than anything else, they soon saw that the trail led west, toward China and Japan. Busting out their giant Ezekiel-Signal, they shone the floodlight up at the sky. The brilliant E was unmissible, and soon Ezekiel the Goodly Cab Driver was at their doorstep. "To China!" they shouted, and off the cab went, cruising towards California. Without slowing, Ezekiel hit the Airplane Button and the cab sprouted wings, roaring over the Pacific Ocean at near the speed of light. Soon he had dropped them off in China, and the two minions tipped him kindly. There they picked up the trail of Skittles as it led inland, towards the Rebuilt Temple of Tsirc Trapczar IV. They peeked in the window just in time to see the little old lady performing a sacrifice with the Jon-goat on the altar! As Tsirc Trapczar, the sacred god of the Chinese Orthodox Hindu Catholics, came down from the heavens, the two minions burst in through the front door, pulled the JB goat off the altar, and watched in amazement as Tsirc entered Grandmama's body!
Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives ...
Tsirc Trapczar IV fully entered Grandmama's body as Chris, Craig, and the JB goat looked on in amazement. Then, after a brief moment, Tsirc Trapczar exploded from inside of Grandmama! Her flesh splattered against the walls of the temple and the trio's faces, and her intestines were all over the altar. Tsirc looked up in astoundment, too. "That was not the sacrificial goat that I entered! Where is the sacrificial goat!?" Chris and Craig immediately looked at the goat they were holding. Craig said, "Hey, uh, JB, maybe we should get outta here." The goat just licked its ass. "JB?" Chris asked, shaking the goat. Then the goat started to pee on their feet. "This isn't JB!" they both shouted, and then they looked out the window to see an entire pasture of goats. They threw the false JB goat out the window and ran out of the room just as Tsirc began to breathe radioactive fire. They now found themselves in the temple stables, where there were many goats lined up for the slaughter. "Where are all these goats coming from?" asked Craig. They both began to call his name, walking amongst the goats. Then they heard Tsirc outside the door, and they saw his fire-breath come in and toast some nearby goats. Suddenly a hand shot up from beneath a large pile of goats. It was JB's hand! With Chris and Craig's help, they pulled him from the pile, but he was naked and covered in slime. "JB, we can't help you until you put some clothes on!" they both shouted. So JB sheared some goats and made a loincloth out of the goat ... stuff. Then they ran out of the room just as Tsirc came in behind them, and he was very mad.
Outside the temple, Craig pulled out the pocket E-signal and shone it up into the sky. Soon Ezekiel the Goodly Cab Driver was at their side, and they began to get in when Tsirc burst out of the temple and grabbed JB's foot. Ezekiel hit it in reverse, knocking Tsirc in the head with his bumper. Tsirc lost his grip on JB's foot, but we had to leave JB behind because we were in a rush (that nauseous feeling again). As we shot into the sky, JB called up, "Don't worry, guys! I'll get a boat-ride home! Meet you at the Shoppe!" He said something else but we couldn't hear him any more. Then Ezekiel careened through the skies and set us safely down outside of Crazy Bob's Shoppe before taking off again to go back to the E-cave. Unfortunately, Insane Robert and al-Sefu had constructed a large hedge maze to keep us out of the Shoppe this time. With no other way in, we began to trek through the maze.
Chris and Craig had been trekking through the hedge maze for several hours, with little or no progress. Twice they had ended up back where they started, and they had no hedge clippers with which to cut their way through the walls. Looking up at the sky, they could see that it was getting dark, and with no moon to light their way, they would be utterly and hopelessly lost in the maze that Insane Robert and al-Sefu had constructed outside of the Shoppe. They sat down to rest for awhile when the duo heard a strange growling, farting sound coming from above. Looking up, they saw two winged, fire-breathing swamp rats bearing down on them. Narrowly missed by the incinerous breath, Craig shouted, "What are those?" Chris didn't know, but he suspected they were sent by al-Sefu and Insane Robert. "They must've been sent by al-Sefu and Insane Robert!" he shouted back. Now the two amigos were running through the maze trying not to get roasted or flame-broiled by the winged, fire-breathing swamp rats. Soon they became seperated, but they could still hear each other's shouts. "Maybe we can hitch a ride on them!" Craig shouted. "How are we going to do that?" Chris wanted to know. Craig said that he was going to try and blind them with the pocket E-signal that he still had, but when he shone the light at the nearest one, it turned instantly to stone and fell to the ground. "Hey! It just turned to stone!" Craig didn't understand, but Chris knew that they had to be gargoyles. Following the sound of Craig's voice, Chris made it to the stoned beast, which was just now coming back to life. They hopped on its back, and rode it high into the sky. The other one was hot on their tail, but they took care of him with the E-signal. Finally, they managed to land at the Shoppe before stoning the first beast to death. The Shoppe was covered in small animal skeletons, but that was the least of their worries. They saw the E-cab parked out back, incredulous that Ezekiel had made it before them. When they asked why, Ezekiel responded that he had seen the E-signal, but the two amigos hadn't asked to be dropped off here. "No tip for you!" shouted Chris, and then the two burst in through the front door of the Shoppe.
Meanwhile, back in China ...
When Tsirc Trapczar IV came to (he had been knocked unconscious by the bumper of the E-cab), he saw JB standing, half-naked, covered in slime and goatskin. Instantly he recognized the smell of cherry tootsie rolls and granola bars surrounding him. "You!" Tsirc shouted. "You are the Satan-spawn against which I must wage war!" At this, Tsirc whistled loudly, and his Army of Heaven came down from the clouds riding large horses with wings and fire coming out of their nostrils. JB realized that he would stand no chance against the several thousand Chinese Orthdox Hindu Catholic Soldiers, and just as he was prepared to die, another army came down from the sky. It was the Zambalblackian Commando Elite! The head commando came to JB and said, "We never forget one of our own." Apparently the smell had more than one effect. Now, in China, the two armies stood only a few feet apart, with JB on one side and Tsirc Trapczar IV on the other. Just as they were about to begin the war, they heard another army approaching. Looking to the east, they saw Mel Gibson and the cast of "Braveheart" approaching. Now there were THREE armies ready to wage war. It might've ended in bloodshed there, but ANOTHER army was approaching from the west! Significantly smaller, but no less powerful, it was the cast of "Cheers," led by Ted Danson! JB turned to Tsirc and said, "Listen, we're going to have to lay out some ground rules here." So JB, Tsirc, Mel, and Ted went off to one side and had some Mug Root Beer while discussing how the order of battle would proceed. Eventually, though, the foam went straight to their brains, and they were in no mood to fight. So they decided to settle the dispute by playing Pinochle, best two out of three. But nobody had a Pinochle deck. The search was on!
Jon-Boy, Tsirc Trapczar IV, Mel Gibson, and Ted Danson were all gathered around a makeshift table on the plains of China when they realized that in order to play Pinochle they'd need a Pinochle deck. Ted and Mel couldn't agree on which cards were exactly in a Pinochle deck, so Ted made Norm (who had snuck up behind Mel) sit on Mel and keep him quiet. This done, Tsirc said that if JB didn't come up with a deck soon, he would allow his Army of Heaven to deep-fry everyone by the short hairs. Thinking quickly (an astonishing feat for JB) he told the three guys that they sold Pinochle decks at the Shoppe and they could have one right away. So Tsirc took some fishes and loaves and fed the multitudes before whisking the four leaders (and Norm) up into the air and off to the Shoppe. Setting them down outside the hedge maze, they realized that they, too, would have to master the secret of the maze. Several days later, they finally made it to the Shoppe's front door, and just as they were about to go in, JB paused. "Wait a minute," he said to Tsirc. "Why didn't you just fly us over the maze?" Tsirc said that no one had asked. Ted slapped Tsirc and said that if he didn't watch his mouth, he'd have Norm sit on him, too. Mel liked this idea. JB told everyone to wait here while he went inside and got a Pinochle deck. So he opened the door and walked in ...
... Chris and Craig turned to see JB coming in through the door. For the past few days, the two amigos had been in heated discussions with al-Sefu and Insane Robert about the Clinton scandal. Insane Robert heavily favored impeachment, while al-Sefu said repeated that he wanted to "get it on" with Monica Lewinsky. Chris and Craig had yet to express their viewpoints when JB whispered something about a Pinochle deck. Craig wasn't sure they had any, and Chris wondered if maybe you just need a special Pinochle board. Insane Robert then announced that he had thrown out all the Pinochle accessories when he had taken over the Shoppe. "Say," Chris asked, "what exactly did you do with the Shoppe after you took it over?" Insane Robert explained that he had converted it into a temple of Gorfok and -- Just then, Tsirc burst in, shouting "Gorfok!?? My sworn enemy and master of all things bad and evil! I must kill all of his followers in a battle to decide the Fate of the World!" Fire came out of his nostrils. Since Chris and Craig had unknowingly been in the Temple of Gorfok, they too were considered followers of Gorfok. And since JB knew the two amigos, he was one, too; as was Ted because he slapped Tsirc, and Norm because he was Ted's friend, and Mel because Norm's ass had touched him. Suddenly, in a bright flash of smoke and light, Gorfok appeared above the altar with his demon-servant Kofrog at his side!
Back in Deadwater, Wyoming...
The Lord of the Nether Regions and Ambassador to Canada Gorfok, and his demon-servant Kofrog, stood in the doorway of the Shoppe (which was pretty much toast right now, considering all of the battles that had been waged inside of it). Gorfok breathed fire out of his nostrils, and Kofrog's tongue snaked in and out of his mouth. Gorfok and Tsirc Trapczar, Commander-in-Chief of the Army of Heaven, stood inches apart, ready to do battle to decide the fate of the world. However, before any limbs could be torn off, Jon-Boy suggested that they allow Gorfok to join the pinochle game to represent the Nether Regions. Chris and Craig thought this would be a good idea, as it gave them time to devise a plan to get everyone out of the Shoppe so they could clean it up some. But the group still needed a pinochle deck, even though nobody knew exactly which cards were in a pinochle deck. Thinking quickly, Chris produced a Skip-bo deck and told everyone it was a pinochle deck. Everyone thanked Chris immensely, and Mel Gibson offered to "introduce" Chris to his 19-year-old exotic dancer daughter. Chris agreed to this.
So JB, Tsirc, Mel, Ted Danson, and Gorfok all sat down at the Solid Oak 1976 Summer Olympic Games Signature Edition Pinochle Table, but the fivesome quickly realized that they didn't know how to play pinochle either. Chris quickly read them the rules to Skip-bo, and soon the group was deeply immersed in a 27-round Skip-bo tournament, with JB representing the three amigos and the late Crazy Bob. Deep into action in the 15th round, Chris and Craig slipped from the room into Crazy Bob's Dungeon-"O"-War-Planning. Here they took stock of the situation. Their liabilities were the shop and its one exit: the front door; their assets were Craig's brains, Chris's cunning, and JB's enormous appetite; and their opposition was the cast of Braveheart, the Army of Heaven, the cast of Cheers, and the leaders of these factions, plus Kofrog and Gorfok. Suddenly, Chris thought of the Zambalblackians; and Craig realized that they had a surplus of cherry tootsie rolls which they had ordered to battle JB's Zambalblackian tendancies. Quickly, the two amigos grabbed fifty-pound bags of cherry tootsie rolls and ran back upstairs and began passing them out. They had to hurry, because the 26th round had just finished, and JB was down one hand to both Gorfok and Tsirc Trapczar. But, like a charm, the tootsie rolls worked, and soon EVERYONE was farting to the smell of cherries. Not long after, Craig and Chris looked out the window to see the Zambalblackian Fleet landing outside, right on top of the hedge maze.
|
