I wrote this for those of you going through a Mid-Life Crisis... If you are are here at all, you have my best wishes & heart-felt hope that better days are coming.
I lived what you are going through & it ain't easy McGee!! I got tired of people telling me the sun will come up tomorrow & all will be fine. Guess what? When you are hurting you don't care if the sun is even there! Not morbid, just the plain truth.
I did learn what really bothered me about it all. I wanted answers... Why? How Could You? Didn't I mean anything to you? What happened to "you'll be my best friend forever"?? What the hell am I ? Yesterday's News, something you can toss out without a thought?? What is wrong with you?! The killer question "What did I do Wrong"?
You go through the "why me" routine until you discover a simple answer. You NEVER will know "why me" or the 1,000 other questions that tear you apart. You probably did nothing wrong. The other person feels like life has passed them by & they want one last shot at happiness, or their idea of what happiness is. Don't get the idea you didn't make them happy. What they feel is P-A-N-I-C. Do or die. It is inside of them, NOT you!
You won't be able to help the other person "get past it"... sad, but true! They have to decide to stay or go & nothing you do will change that fact.
There are things you can do to help yourself. One is to face facts instead of feelings (hurt feelings I might add). They may decide to leave & "start over". They may decide to stay in the end, either way, your life will be affected by Mid-Life Crisis...
I'm a researcher, not a doctor or someone that thinks they have all the answers. Some answers I have thanks to the "School of Hard Knocks", some answers I'll Never have. I just know I lived through it & would have made it 100% easier if someone that lived it had been there for me.
I went through (his) mid-life crisis & it had to be the hardest time of my life. We had a relationship built on trust & were best friends for 22 years. Christmas Eve 1990, I went from being in a stable, loving, secure homelife to being one step away from being a bag lady! The reason: Mid-Life Crisis... His!
It may the other persons` problem, but your life is in turmoil because of it. Being of sound mind, most of the time, I decided that I`d try to hang on to my sanity first, & not let the situation destroy me in the process. Easier said than done I know!
We always talked everything over & could count on each other for moral support & for help, no matter what came up. Complete trust & unconditional love, was the basis of our relationship. This worked well for years, UNTIL he was going through mid-life crisis!
You act & re-act in the same ways, but the person going through it is not the same person anymore. My one thought was if he left, we`d respect what was & go on. 1st mistake: the person will treat the next "love" with the same devotion they gave you. This means you can`t trust them to consider your feelings, well being, with the same consideration they used to.
Sounds simple, but it is the one main problem that hurts your getting past a relationship & going on: You then doubt your own abilities since YOU trusted when you shouldn`t have. Has nothing to do with what he did or what you yourself did. You trusted & it turned out hurting you. At a time when you need all the self- respect you can muster, your self-respect just hit an all time low. You feel because you trusted at the wrong time, part of the hurt is your fault. (Not True!)
Women usually spend more time nurturing a relationship & out of habit seem to do this even when breaking up. This is one time in life OUR well-being needs to come first. The other person doesn`t want your help: they are doing fine. YOU are the one suffering & hurting. You can understand the problem is one one of high pressure for the person going through it. They feel they have "Just one last chance to be happy". That is the focus & no one or nothing else is considered.
I`m happy with myself now, but more due to facing everything that happened & letting it go, than anything else. I made a mistake in judgement, but have now learned...I`m human & made a mistake I don`t have to let that mistake destroy me! Look how many things in life I`ve handled beautifully.
I made a mistake by trusting the person going through his crisis. I almost lost my Moms` family home, due to bills. It had been in her family 135 years. The bills were made by the ex & by me to keep the house up, but in a 50-50 state ALL property is considered joint. The house was in my name only, & handed down to me from my Mom.
I went from a life based on homelife & trust, to $15.00 & $1,000`s of debts. My name was forged by his new wife on a new car loan, & the walls came tumbling down! The bill collectors felt if I could have a new car that I could get a loan to combine past due bills. You can`t prove forgery easily & that would just compile more legal fees. SO, you do the best you can. It adds to your guilt, & takes a tad more self-respect away!
If You Are Facing A Partners' Mid-Life Crisis
You have to protect yourself!! Both legally & from the person you love. I`m not writing this to run my ex or anyone else down. I just want others to avoid making the mistake I did. You have to take care of yourself when someone you love is having a mid-life crisis.The other person wants both a new life & the old one, at the same time. You will be caught in the middle.
If nothing else please believe me when I tell you there is nothing you can do for the person you love. They have to solve the problem; you have to be supportive, & try to ride it out.
There is something you can do for you! Protect yourself, in case you are left. This word of wisdom from a lady that put the other one first & forgot the Boy Scout motto "Be Prepared!!"
I am not saying to plan out a divorce, just in case: I am saying you need to consider what you would do IF left! How to make a living, raise kids, pay bills. Do you have credit in your name NOT joint names; if not, you need to be thinking about getting yourself established with credit... your name only! Men, can you raise children and work if you wife leaves? I`m not being petty here. It`s a matter of life or death... YOURS!
If the person decides to leave I found one attitude that helped me alot, this saying pretty well covers it:
Pollyanna I'm not! Respecting what was & letting go seems to help you adjust & put things in perspective.
©1997 Crystal Jensen, Mid-Life Crisis Forum