I feel like such a loser today because well I am. It's the first day of the semester and
I didn't even go because I'm too fucken lazy to leave my house and catch the bus.
in the last 3 days I've only left my house to go to work. I have no friends...
well I do but I'm too scared to call them up and say "Hey let's do something
so I don't feel like I have no life" because I'm too afraid they'll say
"sorry I'm already busy doing stuff with people who are more important
than you and who don't really like you anyway". This is my life
I sit at home waiting for something to come up so I can leave the house
but nothing ever does come up so I am constantly home. So bored to tears
after having a fun filled day watching talk shows (it's only 1:24 p.m.)
I'm now on the internet because maybe if I'm doing something I won't slit my
wrists. I don't do anything. My life consists of staying at home doing nothing,
going to work, and following my boyfriend around like some retarded puppy.
I'm not even brave enough to go out and make new friends, or talk to the ones
I presently have because well...I don't know I just can't. I don't know why
I can't...actually I do...I haven't actually been a very good friend to anyone
in such a long time...I've been close to no one except my boyfriend for such
a long time and I miss my friends...I miss them, but they don't know that
so if one of my friends is now reading this don't mention that you read this
because it's my fault that I feel this way so...what can you do? I'll feel
better when I'm not in school constantly being reminded of how much of a loser
I am. I love school because I love learning but I hate the social aspect of shcool.
I hate the lack of social abilities I have. I just want this next five months to finish
quickly so I can stop being in high shcool and I can have fun during summer. I don't
know though-if I'll have that much fun because I feel like i'm growing apart
from everyone, even my boyfriend who I've been so attached to for the past year. I don't know.
It sucks because I wish everything could just be the way it used to be
when I wasn't afriad to call people and people would automatically include
me or invite me. I'm not automatically included in anything anymore, with anyone.
As hard as it is for me to admit that I know it's true. There's been
so many spans of four or five days when I just don't go out with anyone that
I feel like I have no one...I feel so alone because I'm too afraid to say anything
so it's my fault. I can't say anything to anyone because they'll be like "so what do you want me to
do?" And I don't want then to do anything...like I do I want everyone to be like
I'm sorry we've been ignoring you we love you don't be afraid to call us...
but no one's going to say that. That's life though right? Everything sucks
because I'm making it suck.